Outline for Growth in Service

Following my discovery of the outline I mentioned in my previous post, my Owner assigned me the task of using it as a jumping off point to create one more personalized to my challenges/goals and our dynamic.

When I sat down to work on it, I found the work easier than I thought it would be. The existing outline gave me lots of good ideas on how to apply it to me and my work - or my relationship and dynamic with my Owner.

I sent it to my Owner for review this afternoon. She'll be starting to work with me on it and will tweak it as necessary as She assigns each 'piece' rather than leaving me to work through it in order on my own. This makes sense to me as that way She can pull out writing topic points that are applicable in a given moment/situation or for reading when She wants to read about them - which I do think will maximize the benefit of the work.

I also think that it's good for me in the sense that I won't have the luxury of being able to 'plan ahead' to what comes next... a positive trust exercise.

So without further ado, here it is:

Conflict

Checklist

Identifying when an 'issue' must be addressed right then.

Allowing for normal human emotion

Grumpy vs. angry, indirect vs. passive aggressive

Aim for at least a 60/40 split with Listening vs. Talking

How “mentally preparing” for next point interferes with listening

Explaining reasoning does not negate/erase feelings

Ask, don’t tell Owner what Her feelings are

Waiting for the answer after asking a question

Not defending/countering

Accepting the answer given as the only sane choice

How not doing these things invalidates Owner’s feelings/emotions

The Reminder: “Who Owns Who?”

The purpose of the reminder, why was it necessary?

Understanding the risk Owner is taking in doing the reminding

Taking a moment to be grateful

Pause and reflect on behaviour – in line with protocol?

“Stop” – Respecting Owner’s boundaries/need for space

Hearing & respecting the first time (always an order)

Ego Removal

Thinking / Understanding

Trust

Seeking reassurance – appropriate time and place

Resolving conflict productively

Assigning blame - why?

“I’m sorry” versus processing / expressing remorse

Trusting Owner to apply correction when required

Post-conflict self-abuse (mental/verbal/physical) = lack of trust

Wallowing/Dwelling

Service and Mindfulness

Can one exist without the other?

Ways to cultivate mindfulness

Identify your intentions

Continual removal of conflicting thoughts

Service to Owner as service to self

Orders

What qualifies as an order

Who judges whether a request is important?

Bargaining

Recognition/Reward – want vs. need

The positive effects of obedience

Being aware of Owner’s needs & desires

Offering vs. Being asked

Identifying, Understanding, & Banishing fear with trust

Practice, Practice, Practice

Avoidance & Anxiety

Identify the block / inner objection

Processing anxiety

What’s driving it

Trusting

Working within self-expectations

Desired level of service vs Minimum level (keeping it realistic)

Trusting Owner to decide what is/is not an acceptable level of service

Identify the pleasure - Service to Owner as service to self

Eye contact

Keeping focus when receiving direction

Maintaining focus when responding

Looking at vs. looking through

Corrections

Hearing the correction

Understanding the correction

Ego removal

Responding and offering gratitude for the Correction

Expressing Gratitude

What the hell for?

Understanding the service your Top provides

You probably need it – even if you disagree.

Spiritual self-work

Neuro-Elasticity vs. Samskaras

The joy of sticking with it

Processing “negative” emotions

Identifying uncomfortable emotions

Examining the root – why is it so uncomfortable?

What is the fear - what’s the worst that could happen?

What to do with these emotions

Is it necessary to express verbally?

Productive ways to do so

Identifying coping mechanisms / Ways to process productively

The discipline of focus

Visualize goal

Removing distraction

Motivating self through reflecting on success

Learning to follow

Being patient

Micro-management

Identifying what the fear is

Remembering to trust

Being flexible and open minded as service

Being comfortable without a plan / Spontaneity

Creating false objections to stay in ‘safe zone’

Letting go and letting Owner be in charge

Indecision

Identifying when struggle for control is the root

Asking for help when needed

Respect

Identifying Milestones

Identifying smaller achievements

Remembering smaller achievements

Rewarding smaller achievements (bidirectionally)

Protocol

All Settings

Mindfulness of Tone / Voice

LISTENING: Learning to unfilter verbal information

Identifying the filter

Acknowledging the obstacle

Listening to precise language

SPEAKING: Learning to unfilter verbal information

Identifying the filter / desire to spin

Acknowledging the obstacle

Speaking precisely

Remaining open to response

Integrating mindfulness

Answering Questions

Giving a straightforward answer

Avoidance and defensiveness

Answering a question with a question

Interactions with others

Vanilla settings

Addressing Owner

Tone used with terms of endearment, use of first name

Walking / Travelling

Food & Beverage

Dining out

Family Leisure time

Public – kinky/private settings

Addressing Owner – Syr, Daddy, my Owner

Expectation removal

Verbalizing desires

Desire vs Need

Accepting answers/responses – with trust

Food & Beverage Service

Playtime

Providing sensual service

Verbalizing headspace/mood

Removal of intensity / impulse to drive a scenario

Providing feedback

How expectation removal allows for full immersion in scene

Aftercare

Topic Outline

Recently, a Daddy/girl couple whom I 'know' online (and whose dynamic I appreciate, respect, and personally identify with as it reminds me of my dynamic with my Owner) posted about a recent new bit of work they were doing together. I'll call them O and f. :)

I really identify a lot with f because I feel we share a similar tendency to be very emotionally and spiritually connected to our power exchange dynamics. It's not just a set of actions, but it is something that empowers us to personal growth - and more intensely connected relationships with our partners.

So, recently, O came up with an outline of writing topics for f to do. What blew me away was how well thought out the list was. It was not just random writing - but clearly topics designed to give f food for thought, and growth. It exuded loving Daddy energy - as he is clearly trying to help guide her.

It is precisely this sort of energy that I hold so dear in my own Daddy. :) So I really was drawn to it. I loved the topics and got myself all shy and worked up but got the nerve to email O and ask if it was ok with both of them if I showed the list of topics to my Owner.

They said yes - yay! ;) Upon showing it to Syr, She asked me to write about how I thought an outline like that one would help me --

The topics list several things I really identify with - such as mindfulness, eye contact, accepting discipline/correction, learning, growing, and trusting.

For me, exploring these topics in depth often is a tremendous tool for growth. Not only do I find them helpful to my dynamic - my service to my Owner, but I find that I often learn things about myself along the way. Writing about topics like those help open me up to new awarenesses about myself whether it be awarenesses about things I want/need to improve upon or awarenesses of where my strengths really are - a confidence booster.

I also know how my Owner responds to my writing when it is on topics that are useful for my personal growth or for improving my ability to trust and serve Her. I know that in a way, even the writing is an act of service that I feel She would enjoy.

My Owner has been employing writing assignments as a tool for our dynamic and my personal growth since we first began talking to one another. It is one of the most natural and profound ways we connect with each other at this level. I don't think anything negative has EVER come about as a result of writing - and so I think it could only be beneficial.

Lost

I awoke this morning, tossing and turning and near tears from a dream where I was seperated from my Owner & Daddy. She was still right next to me for snuggles but only for a moment as the alarm was going off and we had to get ready to head out to our jobs for the day...

I was feeling unsettled, and sleepy. I had a pretty rough night and was feeling particularly vulnerable and sensitive. After I dropped Her off at the transit station, I just focused on driving until I arrived at work.

When I pulled into my usual parking spot, parked the car, and looked down at where my hand rested on the gear shift so I could put the car in park and grab my commuter coffee mug - I got a serious jolt. My bracelet was missing... rather.. the COLLAR my Owner put on my wrist.

I was almost instantly in tears as I shook my naked wrist, as if I could make the familiar silver weight, and symbol of my slavery and service to my Owner magically reappear! And then I began to panic as I tried to remember when I last saw it, last ran my fingers along it. What if it had been missing for more than a few minutes, a few hours.... what if it had been gone for DAYS and I hadn't noticed. Outside of just wanting to find it, I also was so concerned at having taken the feel of it for granted that I might have not NOTICED. I was devestated as I frantically tried to call Daddy to... tell Her... to ask for the reassurances She is so wonderful at giving. But Her phone wasn't near enough to Her to hear and so it went to voicemail.

I spent the day wistfully touching my wrist and wishing I could rush home and scour the house, so convinced I was by now that I must have lost it sometime in the last week. I was not wholly rational about the subject by this point and had guilt to boot.

She met me at work so we could ride home together and by then She had received at least one of my text messages letting Her know what was going on. I was fretting and She reminded me that the bracelet... collar... is just a symbol of Her Ownership of me and doesn't change the fact that I am owned. I know that... and yet the physical reminder is like an anchor, a touchstone for me to reach for when I need it. And I was having a hard time not being in a panic.

Syr insisted, then, that we go somewhere just the two of us for a quick dinner, rather than go straight home. She wanted to give me time to calm myself a bit.

We pulled into the sushi place we'd decided on and I parked the car. She wrapped Her hand tightly in my hair, pulled my head back and then pulled me against Her shoulder. She growled softly in my ear, "Who owns You, little girl?"

"You do, Syr", I whimpered my reply.

"Do you NEED the bracelet to feel owned?" She demands.

"YES" came my pouty little girl reply.

She let go of my hair, reached over my lap to a spot on the floor near my feet and picked up something sparkly...

My Collar!!!!!!

She hadn't noticed it until just at the moment I'd said yes to Her question and She chuckled and shook Her head as She figured out how it had come loose, fixed it, and put it back on my wrist.

She muttered that She had been trying to make a point, but that even She couldn't deny the irony of finding the bracelet jus that very moment. "I guess You DO need it" She laughed.

I cried with relief. I was so happy it was found.

And... I feel a lot better knowing that I had likely noticed it within minutes of it falling off. *big deep breath*.

But the truth.... no... I don't need to wear a physical collar to know that I am owned - body, mind, heart, and soul by my Wife, my Owner.. my Daddy. But, I find having a physical anchor of my submission to be a little blessing that I am grateful for.

Thank You, Daddy for finding it and understanding why it means so much!

Taken...

I often find myself replaying recent moments of intensity shared between my Owner and me.

For the past several days it has just been this recent memory:

My Owner hovers over me, Her left arm braced next to my right ear like a pillar of strength and fire, fingers curling into the mattress gathering more and more power as She drives Her cock into me so hard.... so fast. As She pushes me farther near the edge.... I'm begging, pleading for Her permission to cum, begging with all that I have and, not for the first time, I am afraid that my body will betray me, that I will cum unintentionally, unable to hold back before She says the word. I never do. Something in me is always able to hold on just that little bit longer, and She tells me to breathe.... tells me "not yet".

She knows I need, crave, hunger for Her permission. She owns that moment and we both know it. She growls, flames burning behind the darkness of Her eyes and She bares Her teeth, locking eyes with me as She simultaneously growls "Cum" and Her right arm is suddenly beneath my head as the pillar that is Her left arm draws even more energy, fucks me even harder - drives ever deeper and yet even as She unleashes so much force inside of me, Her right arm scoops me up, holds me closer to Her body - tenderly, almost gently.

And that is when I am lost, completely. I am submitting and surrendering to Her all over again with all the intensity that She has shared with me filling me up and overflowing via my tears as I sob.... and sob... against Her shoulder and She wraps me up in Her body and also.... keeps going. Again and again She does this, pulling and pushing and demanding more until, empty of tears, I am exhausted... and near delirious. Taken.

Grounded

It doesn't take much to find myself securely grounded in my service to my Owner. It isn't always flashy and it isn't always easily spotted from outside - but it is where my intentions lie and it is in the way I look at Her and the way I spend my free time and in the way that I touch Her.

It seems as if we have entered a new paradigm in our life together. There is a sweet simplicity to our dynamic now and yet for all that it seems to lack in 'formality', it is ripe with depth and connection.

Since my last update I still find myself being little more often than not. It isn't always the same depth of littleness. It ebbs and flows and sometimes feels really intense and sometimes is just a soft whisper in the back of my thoughts, but it seems to stick around.

I find that I am more pro-active in doing things around the house, or in making more involved meals, or in taking care of things I know need taking care of because even the little mundane activities of day to day living have started feeling at least a little bit like service.

I don't know entirely what has shifted, what caused it, or even if this is a permanent change. But, I do know that I like it, my Owner likes it..... and ultimately I am revelling in being a very very good girl.

Being little in a vanilla setting...

I was assigned to write about being little in a vanilla setting.

As I mentioned in my previous post, i've been little pretty consistently for the last several days. That's sort of new for me. Before it seemed I would find this blissful little space and then would need to 'put it aside' (or thought I did?) to function in the regular mundane world, dealing with teenagers and work and other humdrum day to day activities.

But over the last couple of days (two full work days with evenings alone with the teenagers as Syr has been working until 9pm), I have been pretty consistently little. And instead of the roller coaster of being little, then vanilla, then little, then vanilla, it's more like i've just been little all the time, and finding myself functioning from that space and having that be... good... and not at all disabling.

I think that some of the biggest triggers to this have been recognizing, admitting, and starting to work on some previously unnoticed control issues of mine. It started a process of consciously trusting and accepting what my Owner says to me. Seems like a no brainer, and I really do trust Her more than anyone else who has ever been a part of my life. But honestly, i have more trust issues than I realized. I would always surrender, unquestioningly to Her on more formal things, on matters related to our dynamic - but the day to day things I would find myself quietly questioning and wondering if I could 'do it better'. Recognizing this and then working on it has found me realizing how much of our dynamic is my responsibility.

That's something I've sure thought about and talked about it before - but apparently in a more indirect way. I logically know that it's not my Owner's job to fully maintain our dynamic... I have to offer up myself as well. But knowing it logically and implementing it consistently when you have a crap-load of baggage is a little harder.

But this neat thing happened... when I started trusting, listening, accepting what was said to me - and answering questions when asked simply and without defensiveness... I found myself reconnecting with my slave-self, that part of me that knows how to surrender, and finding it - even or even especially in vanilla settings.

I've found myself moving through my evening while my Owner is at work, and everything I do is with a mind to service. I'm amused at myself as it's usually clear how little I am by what and how I'm cooking...

Yesterday I made a pie, from scratch, with blackberries we'd picked over the weekend.

Today for dinner, I'm making a red wine braised beef to serve over herbed polenta, slow cooking, the kind that requires love and attention... the kind that has my whole heart in it.

I can put my whole heart into simpler meals, sure, and I often do. But when I am feeling confident in my slavery, I find myself wanting to do more elaborate things, and doing them with more confidence.

And within this, I find that it's not hard for me to maintain this space despite interruptions, chatting with people, working, etc. Instead it's like... integrating... finding out what it feels like to be able to be in a surrendered state of mind more consistently.

My own work and my Owner's reminders, assignments, tasks, and touches are helping keep me firmly planted here - and I like it.

Free Writing - 5 Minutes

My Owner assigned me two bits of writing tonight, the first of which is 5 minutes of free writing.... and GO

I have been little for like four or five days straight. Little is sort of the way I describe being in a soft, submissive, compliant, grounded, head space. I don't remember how exactly it started but there are some moments that really stand out.

I was feeling not *quite* little but I wanted that little 'push' over the edge. Sometimes, if I'm not paying attention that's when I'm most likely to succumb to a bit bratty behaviour. I was doing that a bit... and Syr stopped me in my tracks and asked me, point blank - "Does it make you feel good to behave that way?". And I just froze for a moment as my chin dropped. "No..."

My Owner replied, "Then why are you acting that way? What are you trying to get?"

I barely whispered... "a drop..."

"Apologize."

"i'm sorry, Syr."

"Go make my dinner, slave."

~*~*~*~

Yesterday, my task was to come home and write 25 times "I am owned. I am loved."

~*~*~*~

Last night, falling asleep snuggled up with my Owner feeling blissfully and contentedly little.

~*~*~*~

A quote from the Submissive Journal Prompts that went something like - 'A submissive has to be told what to do. A slave has to do what she's told' and knowing that I have been and am sometimes in both categories, but I am at my most fulfilled and happiest with myself when I am my highest self - as slave. That is what we've committed to be to each other: Owner and slave, and it is this that empowers me to work on being my highest self. When I am confident and unafraid enough to surrender completely to trust and love and to obey my Owner consistently, I find that it is a little like an ascension and I am a truer form of me. And being fully in my slave-highest-self also empowers me to be stronger and more confident in the world...

~*~*~*~

And today, still feeling little and owned, all I keep thinking of is how this feels... so sustainable.

I've been working on myself a lot over the last year and I am about to step deeper into that work, and a lot of it revolves around acceptance, peace, learning to trust, and just listening. I can't describe how many ways that translates into my relationship with my Owner and Daddy.

A project...

I am working on a little writing project. ;)

You see, a few years ago (2006, to be exact), I participated in NaNoWriMo, and not for the first time. But the product of this (third) attempt at NaNoWriMo is a story that I hope to [eventually] edit, fill out a bit, and submit for publication.

The world I have created is a fully immersive world in which D/s & M/s style relationships are the 'norm'. My primary characters are butch/femme queer, but the world itself is pansexual. This is not an "all men are dominant and all women are submissive" world - but rather a world where each person chooses their path and then begins a path of training with the ultimate goal being to be actualized at the epitomy of the dominant role or the submissive one. Of course, this world has its own vocabulary for such things and its own protocols.

My goal was to write an erotic story about a girl in a world that I could personally fantasize about. A world filled with intense BDSM themes, but also one that allowed for matters of the heart, matters of choice, and of the empowerment of choice - and the humanity in everyone, whether dominant or submissive. I wanted the high protocol rituals of an immersive world, with a unique sense of equality despite the power exchange dynamics within the adult societal construct. And within this world I tell one girl's story, sharing her mistakes - her highs and her lows and the lessons learned along the way.

Gushing aside, I am working on a project that will give people a glimpse into the world I created with my story... and an opportunity to get to know the main character/heroine... via her personal diary and blog (completely fictitious of course).

The idea is simple - you can read her blog and if something about her world catches your attention, you can comment as if you were a part of that world too and were commenting on her personal blog. Comments are moderated so that only 'in character' comments will display keeping the experience there fully immersive.

This will help me to give her even more life as I work on editing my story (again, and again... and again...).

So if you're interested in reading and/or participating in the interactive blog, you can do so here:

the30thvow.blogspot.com

I have also started a twitter account where I can post occasional quotes from the blog as well.

twitter.com/the30thvow

Please feel free to spread the word.

Photography Prize

There was recently a contest going on at FetLife, in one of the groups that I belong to. And in a fortuitous twist of events, my name was pulled randomly for a prize that one of the members had donated!

What was this prize, you ask? A photo shoot with a local photographer!

At first, I wasn't really all that sure what I wanted to do with it. I can be pretty shy, and I don't exactly have a typical model's body. I check out the photographer's work and it looked lovely, and also seemed skinny - at least a majority of it. So I wrote him a thank you note and asked some questions, namely - do you take pictures of fat girls?

He put me at ease right away and we discussed some things that we might both be comfortable with shooting - and then made a coffee date so that my Owner and I could meet him in person and discuss the paperwork and each of our goals for the shoot and our comfort levels.

I was surprised to discover that my Owner was VERY comfortable with the idea of the photos - and actually didn't even really mind the idea of participating. This photographer does primarily nudes and so we knew that going in. We ended up having some fascinating conversation about possible pose ideas that highlighted our dynamic.

When the day for the shoot rolled around, I was nervous but excited and Syr was too. And we ended up having an amazing time. I'm looking forward to seeing the contacts from the shoot but I know there are several pictures that I'm really excited to see.

I may even post some... *wink*

Thank you, Mr. Hardwood Pinups!

Real fear, real surrender, and bliss

It's interesting.  Prior to the fear play workshop at Mayhem, I really thought I had done a good bit of fear play.  But really, I hadn't.

A couple of days ago, my Owner took a plastic grocery bag and held it over my mouth and nose, tightly - preventing me from being able to breathe.   It began like our other breathplay - which historically only lasted 2-5 seconds, I would say.  But it lasted longer... and unlike other forms of breathplay, a simple twist of my head wouldn't move the plastic away and suddenly give me my breath back.  I was fully at my Owner's mercy with regard to when and how I would take my next breath.  It didn't go on as long as it could have (45 seconds is a commonly acceptable safe limit for breathplay and several sources say that most people won't faint from loss of oxygen for at least a minute and a half).  It went on for maybe 10-15 seconds.  It was long enough to feel like eternities longer than any other time She's ever kept me from breathihng, but not long enough to feel as if I was in true danger.

And yet, despite the logic and the knowledge that I was perfectly safe, there was suddenly an element of actual fear.  It wasn't like "oooh you're so big and tough", but my brain sending the signals to the rest of me that it was maybe going to have to fight for it's life.  And the whole time my Owner's eyes were locked on mine and when She moved the bag away and I took that first big breath and leaned forward against Her chest, I felt the truest surrender I have ever felt.

I am Hers, completely, and the trust between us allowed for me to struggle - only slightly - while I fought for air.  And when I had breath again, my feelings were a swirl of emotion and soft submission.  That sensation of fear, actual physiological fear was the most amazing thing ever.  The entire world dropped away and there was only Her.  I floated along through the remainder of my evening in a place of soft surrender and I just stayed there.  It was, of all the things we have ever done together, the deepest into my submission I have ever gone...the 'drop', the intensity of how little and owned and held I felt far surpassed any other form of play or pain that I have ever experienced.

Just before bed last night, She did it again, sans props, She pressed Her hand tightly over my mouth and pinched my nose shut - with enough pressure that I couldn't wriggle away and we locked eyes again.  This time, I struggled as She began to count up the seconds.   at 11 or 12 seconds, she reached to tickle me which made me try to gasp - and when I couldn't get breath I struggled harder, and whimpered against the palm of Her hand pressed so tightly against my mouth and still She held.  I think She let go at 15-20seconds or so, and yet it felt like forever.

She let go and as I took two or three big gulps of air, I kept my eyes on Her and just stared into Her eyes, hyperfocused on Her and positively in awe of Her, Her power, Her control, Her ownership of me.  She allowed me to play then, and when I neared my first orgasm, She took my breath again, and then ordered me to cum.  As my body convulsed in small shudders of pleasure, my mind grasped for a chance for air and as my orgasm just began to subside, my Owner gave air back to me, and I thanked Her.

I remember very little after that besides being drifting off to sleep floating in the pure, sweet, bliss of surrender.

Mayhem ~ Simply Incredible

It's been a couple of weeks now, since Mayhem, and I kept meaning to come in here and write out all the juicy details but my mundane life and natural propensity for procrastination kept getting in the way.  Oopsy!

But not to worry, I haven't forgotten a thing.  It was a very memorable weekend.

Friday night was registration, the meet and greet, and the first play party - to kick the weekend off.  I was actually feeling pretty shy but it was a lot of fun walking around and checking out the vendors goodies!  There was a reception area with the most delectable treats including an erotic cake of a woman's torso, complete with full bare breasts - all bound up with lots of lovely rope.

The play party was simply wonderful.  We managed to get a nice spot near a wall where we coul watch other scenes and still have a table and chairs to get comfy.  Most of the time when we go to public play space together, the thing that I look forward to most is being able to lay out my fur an kneel at my Owner's feet and that's the first thing we did.

We enjoyed the energy of the space, all female, all kinky, and delightfully debaucherous.  I just remember feeling as though we we were soaking it all up like sponges, letting it fill us and sate our hunger.

But of course, it wasn't going to stop there.  We were conveniently seated literally right next to a St. Andrew's Cross and my Owner wasn't going to let an opportunity like that slip away..  so She put me against it and gave me the most delightful and heavy spanking, and caning, and flogging.  *purrr*  It was just what we both needed - an opportunity to be loud and really indulge in the energy exchange without having to hold back to preserve privacy or silence.  She loved making me cry out with each stroke of Her hand, or cane, or flogger..... and I just loved being able to *let* it out.

Saturday, we slept in nice and late before heading over to the hotel for a workshop on fear and terror play.  It was an incredible workshop and we both enjoyed it so much.  

My schoolgirl-dressed friend got to volunteer for a gorgeous breathplay demonstration where the presenter used a black latex ski mask over her face.  It was breath-taking (I know... that was a groaner of a bad pun right?).  In all seriousness it was hot and erotic and beautiful all at once.  The mask covered her face but showed all the contours of her eyes, nose, and mouth.  And the pigtail-breads she was wearing high  on her head really just completed the look.  She was dressed as a girl-guide and at least one person suggested she get a badge for that!  And - my Owner and I both learned a lot about breath play safety in that workshop which ended up being put to VERY good use pretty recently actually (I'm such a tease - more on that in a bit).

Other highlights from the workshop were watching a woman get fucked with a knife, while blindfolded (complete with safety and how-to talk) and watched a mindfuck involving a chainsaw.  It was hot.  It was REALLY hot.  But what was the most amazing thing to me was watching how raptly Syr paid attention, and how Her eyes lit up.  She'd never been to a workshop like that before, and I could see all these little evil, sadistic switches flicking to the on position behind Her eyes.  I could seriously watch that look all day long.

After the workshop, Syr purchased a pack of 20 high gauge needles (25) & alcohol pads as She was hoping to get an opportunity to learn to do play piercings on something.  It's something we've both been wanting to explore together for a long time as quiet, intense play is our favourite thing - in part because of our lack of privacy and in part because we both thrive on more psychologically impactive play.  But, as I've only been pierced once before, She really wanted to learn from someone who was really comfortable with it before putting sharp things in me.  Pretty smart, huh? 

After the workshop and changing into more appropriate attire, we made an appearance at the formal reception where we admired some AMAZING attire including our earlier fear workshop presenter (an incredibly sexy butch) in leather pants, tophat, and tails. *swoon*  There were others there too but. well... yeah.  *blush*

Saturday night, it was time to head over to the dungeon for the rest of the evening's festivities.  

The first part: Tastings!!  I was probably more excited about Tastings than the rest of the conference combined.  The concept was simple - volunteers who felt they had a particularly specialized skill that they felt confident/experienced in would offer small 'demos' of a variety of activities, not scenes, but 'tastes'.  There was an amazing variety of things to try there and we didn't even get a chance to watch all the stations, the time went by so quickly.  But here's a non-inclusive list: flogging, play-piercing (needles), punching/boxing, single-tail, clothespins, tit torture, spanking, caning, branding, and cell popping.

I started out watching the punching station with fascination.  There was a lot more talking than actual punching but I learned a lot and it was fun watching someone hear about how and where and how hard you can really just punch someone with boxing gloves and the types of gloves, etc.

my Owner took me to the singletail station almost immediately.  The single tail station was being led by someone who had been doing some amazing singletail work that was full of amazing energy on Friday night that we'd both been admiring.  I was terrified.  I love the sound of the singletail but there had only ever been one time I'd enjoyed being on the receiving end - and that was with someone whom I knew was very skilled and whose touch with the singletail was so light that it was not much more than a tickle.  But up I went after much whimpering, and after my Owner described the type of sensations She wanted me to experience, the demo began.  

There are really not many words to express how incredible it was.  It was thrilling and scary and amazing.  Most of the touches with the single-tail were incredibly light, brushing my clothes or just whispering across my skin.  Two very accurate strikes really hurt and they were very deliberate, one to each shoulder blade area on my back.  Each left me with lovely welts for most of the evening and had me floating high to the next station...

Syr surprised Herself by being so comfortable with the tastings.  We are monogomous and the idea of having me 'play' with others isn't really something either of us are into.  And yet because these weren't scenes, She had great fun deciding what She wanted me to experience next.  We thankfully passed by the cell popping and instead went to watch play piercing for a bit.  Syr very respecfully asked both the piercer and the piercee if it was okay for us to observe/learn and both parties were accomodating.  Syr had intended to ask someone we know personally who is experienced with needles for a more one on one 'lesson' but that was not likely to be until later and She was very excited (I was too - shhh). 

Syr took me to the caning station next, and a really sweet boi talked to us about the different kinds of canes, and the materials used to make them and I got to feel a really cool bunch of canes that were bound together and one really nice thick heavy cane.  The thick, heavy cane was fascinating.  It was stingy and thuddy at the same time.  The sting part was ouchy but then it would be followed by this deep thuddy sensation that would give me goosebumps.

By the time we were done at that station, tastings were over and (after Syr took an evil-break to insert a benwaball-style toy inside me) we spent a long and lovely time together just sitting and discussing it all, chatting with our friends - all the while with me at Her feet *happy sigh*

After a long visit and relaxing time, Syr found a spot for us to play, put me on my tummy with my back exposed and worked my back over with Her knife. With all the energy and sounds around us, I really just floated while the cold, sharp blade worked along my sensitive skin.  She remarked a small starburst pattern She'd first marked a week or so before that, and added a lot of other things in thin stinky scratchy-welts all over my skin.  I remember feeling so small and begging for Her to take my breath and She would oblige with a few moments of breath play and then would go back to my back with Her knife.

She snuggled me and we socialized more after that for most of the remainder of the evening.  But then we were able to match schedules with the person she was hoping to learn needles from, someone we're both comfy with and so with me sitting, still floaty from all the play and energy of the evening, on my fur - our friend and my Owner pierced each of my breasts with five needles, and then played with them - a lot.  The energy of the piercing was fun, playful and for me - floaty and bliss-like.  Our friend told us the necessary safety information and also some tips for how to play with the needles... and we both enjoyed it very much, and had 10 left over for playing with at home (until we get more).  The fine gauge was perfect for me... the endorphin rush for me is still really wonderful whether the needles are thin or thick - and the psychological impact is the same.  Syr even picked up some tips on ways to lace them together and pull on them and such that She's looking forward to playing with.  

We both fell into bed exhausted Saturday night and slept in on Sunday morning, once again. 

Sunday afternoon we accompanied another friend to the energy-pull (hook-pull), our last planned activity of the day.  That was absolutely incredible.  The gauge of the hooks is quite small (they are thick hooks), so I am not sure I'd ever be able to participate in something like that myself, but the energy in the room was amazing.  It was highly spiritual and floaty and lovely.   Syr would come up behind me and I would lean back against Her and just feel like I was flying. 

Oh.. and I made friends with a leatherdog, which makes me really happy.  Haven't connected with him since then, but I hope to!   I hope to one day play with the leatherdogs whilst in little girl mode.  That just sounds like so so much fun!

After we got home from the energy-pull, we both crashed big time.  I experienced sub-drop for the first time, ever.  For a couple of days I was weepy and emotional and temperamental, kind of like PMS, but not.  It was really fascinating.  

All in all - an incredibly rewarding experience.  It really makes me want to find a way to make it to Wicked Womyn, but alas - that is probably not very likely.  And that's ok.  I'm grateful for the experiences that I have had.

7 Things Meme

I was tagged by Dracona (who delurked to tag me which has me all super excited... it's fun to know there are people out there who are reading what I write, and thrilling in a really unique way)

Rules:

1. Link to your original tagger and list these rules in your post

2. Share 7 facts about yourself in the post

3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post, leave their names & links to their blogs

4. Let them know they've been tagged

Okay, so for some facts!  Let me see if I can do some naughty/exciting ones.

1.  I spent many years being polyamorous both in and out of the kink lifestyle.  Some parts of this poly history were really amazing, powerful, uplifting, and full of opportunities for growth and so - so much love.  And some were full of pain and heartache, frustration and jealousy.  Over time, I discovered that when I was poly, I was poly to please my partner or Dominant, or to fulfill an unmet need - but that it ultimately was an unhealthy choice for myself.  That was an important lesson to learn.  I was bitter about it for a while, but I think that now I can look back on the positives with a smile and not dwell too much on the negatives.  Overall - it was definitely a learning experience.

2.  My Owner and I had spent approximately 7-8 days of actual time in person together before She proposed to me, and collared me (same day).   We had spent over a year being very close and spending 5-6 hours a day together online, web-conferencing with voice & cams, and talking on the phone before we met, and after the first visit, finally realized we had fallen in love long before that, and decided to do something about it.  The formal proposal took place my second visit.  The story of our marriage and relationship is far more complicated than that - but it will only make us sound crazier..so there you have it.

3. I love porn.  I love video porn.  I love dirty, raunchy, realistic and most of all MESSY porn.   And ironically, all the things that I am not the least bit interested in, in real life I LOVE watching on porn.  You won't catch me watching dyke porn (unless it's REALLY good or butch/femme porn which I just haven't found).  No, no, I watch straight porn with lots of good ol' vanilla raunchy sex.  Good stuff.

4. I'm a size queen.  I may be queer, but I love the feeling of cock.  My Owner's cock is enormous, seriously, I can wrap my hand around it but my fingers don't touch.  And we both love the way it makes me feel when She first claims me... the ever present wide-eyed mix of surprise and a touch of pain as I am filled with something so huge.  

5. I wear three things my Owner gifted to me as symbols of Her Ownership: Her collar (a silver bracelet on my right wrist), our wedding band and engagement ring (engagement ring is engraved with "Her little girl" and wedding band with "you belong to Me"), and an elaborate tattoo on my upper back and neck of a very special lock (she has the key designed to fit it tattooed on her chest).

(This is hard!!)

6. I have a major school-girl and cheerleader uniform fetish.  It's clearly all about the pleated skirt.  I mean I would love to wear them if it pleased my Owner, but my major fetish is watching other school-girls or cheerleaders!  I wouldn't really know what to do with one if I got my hands on one.  At Mayhem a particular school-girl let me reach under her skirt and grab her bum a few times, which was great fun - and really I was quite contented with that.

7. I have written a full length novel (thanks to NaNoWriMo) outlining a sex-positive kinky culture with its own set of rules and politics that is fully immersive and hope to one day polish it and submit it to a kinky pansexually friendly publisher who is interested in an immersive story that has too much depth to be the kind of porn one would lie in bed and masturbate to and contains far too much kink and sex to be considered a garden variety romance novel.

I don't want to be a funsucker but I'm not going to tag 7 people, though I dearly hope that anyone who wants to participate will! It's a fun meme!

Syr and I will be at Mayhem!

March is Question Month

So, this question month thing is going around... and I thought it would be fun to open the doors to questions:

Do you have a question you'd like to ask of me? Then post it here and I'll respond. The question can be of any nature.

I'll answer the questions right here on my blog.

Thank You, my Owner

"Thank You, my Owner" is what I whispered against Her cheek as She pulled me close, my head laying on the front of Her left shoulder, the spot I prefer to sleep, the spot that has the mark of Her ownership of me - the key matching the heart/lock that marks my own skin on the back of my neck.

"You're welcome, little girl" comes Her reply as we began to drift off to sleep, floating in bliss.

Just an hour earlier, we'd been both doing our own thing on our laptops, writing, reading and generally just zoning out. Really, our moods were just not quite lined up. Syr is still shaking off the end of a nasty cold, and I am in this refreshed/recalibrated uber-submissive place, aching for service and submission - and surrender.

She wasn't exactly 'in the mood' and I was sort of... well... desperate. And so I quietly got up and put my computer away and got out the accoutrement that would normally accompany a quick, but hot, romp and just generally was sorta assertive about sending the message that I was REALLY craving Her cock (and a long list of other stuff but I was SO ready to take whatever I could get). ;)

It was actually really ballsy of me. I was setting myself up for some disappointment that can often make me feel a little rejected when I'm in a submissive head space. It was also awfully presumptuous and... really... not that submissive.

But Syr's eyes got this evil lil' twinkle, the kind they get when it's clear She's feeling all kinds of desired, and that it's making Her feel good - so I ran with it. ;)

Lucky me, She decided She wanted to grant me my wish. I'm sure that all the begging didn't hurt. *impish grin*

But I was still craving an intense sensation of surrender... and so I begged Her to allow me to have some floor - time. A request She granted with apparent pleasure as She guided me down until my forehead rested on the floor and placed Her foot heavily on the back of my neck. *purrr*

I was so softened by floor-time that I found myself floating into compliance with every other order She gave until I laid, spread open wide and naked beneath Her as She drove Her huge cock into me, filling me completely in one stroke - claiming me.

She was fully engaged and swept up in the energy exchange clearly flowing between us. She made me wait the longest time before finally granting me permission for an orgasm, and even then - only long after my begging turned to crying. Once permission was granted it was - all encompassing.

I fell asleep, grateful and content.

Recalibrated

Have you ever dislocated a joint? Or maybe - on the less extreme side of things - have you ever felt like a body part just wasn't quite lined up properly? Perhaps you're out of alignment and need a chiropractic adjustment?

And then, you know that sensation when whatever was out of whack, gets back into whack? Do you know it feels when whatever was out just pops back *in* to place and it's so overwhelmingly pleasurable to have it all back where it should be that it practically tingles?

That's how I feel today.

Yesterday, I felt like a little girl, beloved by her Daddy. And that feels good - awesome even. Comfortable. Then, last night, as I drifted off to sleep, something was starting to shift, slipping back closer into place.

And when I awoke, whatever was out of alignment 'popped' back into place.... and I spent the day feeling that overwhelming sensation of being fully in touch with my submissive, slave-self again.

It's not that the little girl goes away, it's that - I think - for quite a few months, that little girl mentality has been the dominant one in my Self. When all is right in my world, from a D/s perspective, the submissive part of me, the little girl/babygirl part of me, and the slave part of me all interweave together, braiding themselves into the rope-weave of me at my most whole and balanced.

I am learning that when something is affecting me, on any level, one part of me - or another - seems to become heavier, more obvious and the others fade slightly. In that imbalance, I often find that there is something I need from it over the short-term. I think, that in this case, the imbalance had much to do with the Winter and the introspection and facing of my shadow-self related to my personal spiritual work. It's difficult, emotionally-taxing self-work, and I suppose it makes sense that the little girl side of me would take over.

And, incidentally, I am drawing some connections between this recent imbalance and the way that certain negative behaviors started becoming easier and easier to slip into (namely in the emotional immaturity and tantrum categories).

Last night, though the shift began. Perhaps it really happened when we decided to attend a local leatherdyke kink conference coming up. Perhaps it was triggered by my recent revelations on the work i am doing to be healthier in my communications, more self-aware, and more dedicated to my work on myself - to replace old bad patterns with new positive healthier ones.

But whatever triggered it, suddenly this morning I was once again fully aware of these other sides of me that have been so neglected.

And now I am tingling with it - awake and alive and on fire with the cravings....

I am craving serving Her and feeling Her hand on my neck, or closing over my mouth and nose - controlling my breath.

I'm craving the cold steel of Her knife on the long unmarred skin of my back.

I'm craving the total surrender and submission that washes over me when She fucks me - the slave me - the submissive me with Her giant cock.

I'm craving taking worshiping at Her feet, kissing the tip of Her boot, and laying kisses on Her cock.

I'm craving new experiences: rope and needles

I'm craving the wide smooth leather of Her collar wrapped around my neck and the clink of the chain from the leash binding my throat to Her wrist.

I'm craving a hard, sudden slap across the face - not because I've misbehaved but simply because, as my Owner, She can.

I'm craving wax falling onto my naked, trembling, body only to be scraped off bit by bit by Her sharp knife.

I'm craving time on my fur, forehead down, Her foot on the back of my neck.

I'm craving all this and more... from a place of complete peace and contentedness from my secure place as Her slave, Her litle girl.

My Daddy

Wow - I haven't written in months.  It's hard to imagine that it has been so long, but I guess in the grand scheme of things, it isn't so hard to realize.

This has been a hard winter for me.  I found myself delving deep into myself and dealing with issues that took much of my emotional energy.  I also slipped into an avoidant habit of not writing - which my Owner pointed out is the one thing that usually keeps me grounded both in my healthiest emotional state - and in my submission.

The newest discovery (and by new I would say in the last six months) has been the full embrace of the Daddy/girl dynamic.  The energy of it was ALWAYS there, but now I call Her Daddy. lol.  I guess that's really the only difference.  I don't always.  There are times it is "my Owner" and times it is "Syr" and times it is "Daddy" even though SHE is all three, all the time.

But this has been a good fit and a way to stay grounded in the power dynamics while our energy has been more on the basics - respect, staying calm through a time of transition, maintaining intimacy when life-stress abounds, etc. 

And so I have found that we've both been enjoying the ability to snuggle in and be sweet and soft together in that way that reminds us both that She's in charge - and I'm not.  Keeping it simple.

But this is just one thread in the weave of who we are and what we're doing.. and between it all there have been some much needed reminders that I am totally owned.  These reminders may come in the form of untying and removing Her boots, while kneeling at Her feet - or in the form of a much needed beating with the crop that left my ass and thighs covered in delightful bruises.  Either way, there are reminders. :)

There is more to come, more to share, and more to explore.  Stay tuned...

Good slave or Bad slave?

Syr was reading some posts on fetlife the other day and one thread in particular caught Her attention.  A question had been asked by a frustrated poster about whether or not readers hold their partners to impossibly high standards and how that helps or hinders them.  I was asked to review the thread and responses and write about it.

Honestly, this subject is so perasive in the kink community as to be well beyond redundant.  It seems one of two things is almost always going on: Either we're busy building up hype around the stereotypical standard of what makes a good Master or a good slave (or bottom, submissive, etc) or we're busy complaining about the impossible standard.

And ... honestly I've been a member of both camps.  In the first camp of building up the hype/stereotype it's often in relations to myself.  I find that I often measure myself against other submissives or slaves and questioning whether I'm good enough.  Really it's no different than the way I fall into the nasty habit of comparing myself to other women, other femmes, other coworkers, etc.  I seem to have a lot of old programming and old bad habits surrounding my perceptions of my self, skewing them.  The slightest mistake can leave me feeling worthless and unlovable.  It's hard to overcome this instinctual self-depreciation, especially after a period of bad behaviour or after losing my temper. :(

But, one thing is glaringly obvious - no sane person expects their partner to be perfect.  That impossible standard I sometimes hold myself to is my own - not my Owner's.  She is perfectly content to own me - even with all my imperfections.  She's knows I'm a work-in-progress and it is largely through Her endless patience and loving instruction that I have done so much growing during the time She's owned me.  Why then do I become so paralyzed with fear whenever I mis-step?

A huge part of my personality is to be a people-pleaser.  And who do I most desperately want to please more than my Owner, my Daddy?  It makes sense that I struggle with impossible standards that I set for myself.  But it makes more sense that I work on learning to trust.  She thinks I'm special, and so I am.  

Holidays with Daddy

This was an amazing holiday with my Daddy!

For presents, i got my Daddy a new dremel-style tool, a Happy Bunny calendar, an LED flashlight multi-tool thingie, and a Bread Machine which was Her big gift.... oh yes and a Costco-sized package of yeast for bread-making so She could start right away. *grins*  

Daddy got me the Onyx booster deck for my Killer Bunnies and the Quest for the Magic Carrot game,  Animal Crossing City Folk for the Wii, an Idog Amp'd, and most special of all: a new bracelet-collar to wear.  My last one broke several months ago and I had been missing this physical reminder of Her ownership.

It feels good to finger it, touch it, look at it, feel the weight of it on my wrist, like a security blanket.  Maybe that's silly, it is - after all - just an object and does not make or break my status as Her owned little girl and slave.   But that's ok.  I love to love it. :)

Obedience

My Owner and I have had lots of intense conversation lately.

I'm calling it conversation because saying we've had several *arguments* doesn't sound as pretty. ;)

Okay so it wasn't pretty. I have issues and lots of them, and I know it. I've made tremendous leaps and bounds of improvement, but sometimes those issues still get the better of me.

It looks a little something like this:
Syr says something Her slave doesn't like.
slave behaves badly/acts out
Syr gets angry/frustrated
slave rewinds events in her head and realizes she was behaving REALLY badly.
slave learns valuable lesson(s)

The three steps to pleasing my Owner have become a sort of running guideline for my goals and work on my slavery and obedience. They come to mind often, and are often used as a benchmark when discussing things that 'go wrong'. Usually if something unpleasant occurs between us it's because I either didn't shut up, didn't listen, and/or didn't do what I was told.

It's interesting how something so basic can be applied to virtually every unpleasant moment!

After the last one, though, one thing became crystal clear. I've not been doing much of any of those three things lately.

Yesterday, I began making a very conscious effort to be almost hyper aware whenever my Owner asks anything of me. Whether or not She is polite or words her request as - a request - I've consciously just gotten up and done it without question, simply trusting. She asked me last night to write about how I feel about that.

It's interesting because two emotions are obvious right away when I just simply and quietly obey: pride in my service and surprise at how easy it is.

It's amazing how much easier things feel and how much smoother the machine of our family operates when I obey. And it feels good.

One of the things I need to continue to work on is trust. I trust my Owner more than I've trusted anyone I've ever known or met. And yet sometimes I still struggle. Most of the time when I've failed to shut up, listen, or obey - it can be traced back to a trust issue. And so that is at the root of my work.

Each time I simply do what I'm told - and experience something positive as a result, even if it's just a smile on my Owner's face or the feeling of having accomplished something, it reinforces the trust that obedience truly is what's best for both of us.... that the world isn't going to come to a screeching halt.

That's a really good thing for both of us.

Subspace, Gratitude, Vagaries, Personality, & Accuracy

From Syr:
"Can you experience sub space without physical pain?

I think that the term "sub space" is often used to describe the intense physical/emotional sensations brought on by intense BDSM play. Often this is brought on by endorphins, etc. The degree of this experience varies person to person and experience to experience. Though as I've noticed in recent discussions, it seems clear that it's sort of mystified to be something it isn't necessarily, or perhaps demystified into the ordinary.

For myself, my BDSM/kink is inherently psychological/emotional, much more so than physical. And so I find that when I think of subspace, it 'looks' like something else to me than how it's commonly perceived. And so I find myself using other terms to identify my feelings.

Usually, I use the term "little" or "little-space" which is to refer to that soft, floaty, submissive 'feeling', that is sort of like a little bit of goofy-happy mixed with romantic-adoration and absolute lovey-doveyness with my Owner. ;) And that feeling can be brought on a number of ways. It can most definitely be triggered by pain administered at the hands of my Owner - whether a good hard spanking, face-slapping, flogging, clothespins, etc. And, as we discovered not so long ago, also by gentle soft touches - done with a sense of ownership.

Little space is how I describe the feeling of floating in my submission, of surrendering.

There's another term I use for a harsher sensation - and that is "drop". Not drop as in the 'drop' that some submissives describe as a depression after playing (that never seems to happen to me - or not that I'm aware of). But drop as in - the way it feels to plummet quickly/suddenly or intensely into little-space. *purr* "Dropping" is something I associate with the harsher or heavier play. And even that can happen without pain. Often, all it takes is Syr grabbing me suddenly by the hair and growling in my ear.

In all cases that I personally associate with the 'concept' of subspace, I say most DEFINITELY, it can be reached without pain. Of course - pain IS a really neato way to get there. ;)

From Submissive Journal Prompts:

How do you find that gratitude changes your outlook? Does this affect your slavery at all?

I have read of submissives or slaves whose Dominants require that they post a daily gratitude or devotional with regards to their submission or slavery. I think that all around the world, sitting in gratitude is proven to make you feel better about yourself and/or your life, no matter what else is happening.

When I have taken the time to look on my submission or on all my Owner does with a sense of gratitude, I find that it softens me and brings me a sense of peace and contentedness.

“The most fortunate of persons is he who has the most means to satisfy his vagaries.” -Marquis de Sade

First, I had to look up "vagaries" in the dictionary.

(from Dictionary.com: 2. a whimsical, wild, or unusual idea, desire, or action)

Ok. And actually, I think not. I mean sure, if we had the means to satisfy some of our fantasies and desires, that would be an amazing experience. I mean I have visions of long days of bondage and mummification and heavy flogging scenes dancing through my mind. But really, if we had the means to do everything we wanted to do and try everything we wanted to try - all right now - then what is there to grow into, to aspire to? What use is fantasy if you know you can have any fantasy you want? I'd say it'd lose it's luster.

While sometimes I wish we had certain things (a weekend away, more privacy, soundproof bedroom walls, etc) so that we could let go of our inhibitions a little bit more often - I generally find that I am quite grateful for what we do have - and equally grateful for those things that we have to wait to have. Because those will be ever the sweeter for the anticipation.

What personality traits have you found to be the most useful to you in your service?

*blinks* useful personality traits? hahahahahaha

This is a bad night for that question. I've struggled with attitude this evening. ;)

But okay, in all honesty - I'd have to say my sense of self-awareness. Without that, I'd be toast. No - I'd be charcoal. No - I'd be ashes on the wind. Seriously. I have a lot of crap and baggage and just *stuff*. And while that stuff certainly presents a set of VERY unique challenges to my Owner, the saving grace is - that I'm aware of the stuff. I don't deny it or try to pretend it's not there. And therefore - I'm able to work on it, grow, learn, be malleable and be open to true growth and therefore enhance my submission and service.

How important is it to you that you accurately describe yourself or your dynamic? How do you feel about the following quote: “How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn’t make it a leg.” -Abraham Lincoln

It's very important to me that I portray myself and my relationship honestly. But accurately such as the quote?

If we were describing physical stats -sure - that's easy. We're a relationship of two females, one older than the other, legally married, both who work full time jobs outsidet he home. That's easy.

But the rest of it? Dominant/submissive, Owner/slave, all the ways I think our interactions are powerful and amazing? That's accurate - to us. But who is to say that someone else wouldn't look at our relationship and dynamic and think "Huh... looks like they're just saying it's five legs when it's really four legs and a tail". So is there any way to verify the accuracy of our dynamic? Not really. I mean dominance and submission is really quite subjective. I can look at someone who says they're in an M/s relationship and think - "sooo vanilla" and I can look at someone else who says they're in a vanilla/kink-free relationship and think - "omg, so D/s!" but the only people who can really define it is the people who are in it.

1950's Household

From my Owner:
Recently we discussed the idea of a 50's household. Do we have a degree of that in our home? To what extent has the functional day to day realities of our home helped or hindered that energy (if it really exists in our home at all)?

To a certain degree, I believe that a lot of that 1950's style stereotypical relationship dynamic defines a great deal of our less 'obvious' D/s. My Owner is also my spouse and in our family, in spite of who does or doesn't know about our more formal dynamic - it is definitely clear that She has a measure of authority and that I defer to Her.

When we first began sharing a home together, there was a measured period of time in which I couldn't work. I can't describe how much I truly loved that period of time. I got to truly be a stay at home wife and slave and it was marvelous. I adored having daily chores, writing assignments and responsibilities in keeping the house organized, neat, and being responsible for the errands and the shopping. I loved greeting my Owner at the door when She came home each evening and serving her dinner.

While I do work outside the home now, as does She, I still find myself really getting a special thrill out of planning a meal, cooking it and setting Her plate in front of Her, having given special care to plate it prettily.

I don't really think that our day to day realities help or hinder this energy in any significant way. In a perfect world, I'd be able to fully embrace the role by being a stay at home wife/slave while my Owner worked during the day. But that isn't our reality and so the energy is there regardless of whether we are both working or not.

Recently, I stumbled upon The Good Wife's Guide and while I suppose to many it's pretty offensive - to me it's actually quite stimulating!

Similarly, some time ago, a friend pointed me in the general direction of Taken In Hand. And for a quick summary of what that site is about, simply click here to read the 'in a nutshell' summary.

Now, mind you, there are a lot of things on that site I don't agree with, such as the gender binary, and the "marriage is between one man and one woman" because - um hello - I'm queer and my Owner is not a Man! ;)

But a lot of the energy and dynamics within it remind me of the stimulating side of a 1950's style relationship from the perspective of the Male is the Dominant/Authority and the woman is to be submissive/respectful/nurturing, etc and defer to her Husband.

The reality between Syr and I is that She has masculine energy and I - feminine. It is that very balance, that yin yang, that is so important to us in every way. It is that give and take, active and passive polarity that defines our marriage, our friendship, our D/s, and every other aspect of our relationship.

Oh.. and on a closing note - I just read Dr. Spencer's Spanking Plan (circa 1928) - and it made me almost instantly drenched (the only damper being the rule about no whipping or flogging.. puh-lease). Does this mean I am not gonna be accepted into the feminist club?

Oh darn.

Courtesy

Syr assigned me this topic from Submissive Journal Prompts:
Does your Owner stand on courtesy? Do they use please and thank you with requests from you? How does it make you feel? Do you not take it as an order if it has please after it?

My Owner most definitely stands on courtesy. She often says please and thank you, is often polite and almost always kind. I hadn't really spent a lot of time thinking about how Her courtesy makes me feel, or how it affects my submission, but upon reflection I think this plays into a lot of stereotype-based patterns of mine.

In my former experiences as a submissive, there were always really clearly defined 'times' when my submission was expected - and others when it wasn't. I blame that primarily on never having had an Owner as a primary or monogomous partner in the past. Because my kink relationships were always outside of my primary, more vanilla one, it kept things fairly compartmentalized.

I think the result was that I tended to associate my submission with certain circumstances/locations, etc and the rest of the time just go about day to day life. Now that I am in a more immersive 24/7 dynamic, living with and married to my Owner - I find that I still can have a tendency to compartmentalize. When my Owner is polite in asking me to do something or in expressing Herself, I can forget myself - and my place - and respond casually at or flippantly or even crankily (at worst).

Her courtesy sometimes translates as complacency and I forget my place and lose sight of the need to be respectful.

It isn't any fallacy of Hers that She is courteous - after all - She owns me - and shouldn't have to be aggressive just to get what She wants or needs from me. But it is certainly helpful for me to remember that even with a "please", it is still up to me to serve Her consistently.

Erotic Photography and Exhibitionism

"Explain more about your interest in erotic photography and exhibitionism"

I can thank Fetlife for this topic. Syr was reading my profile and making note of my fetish-list. LOL I hadn't really thought about that, though I suppose there are still things She doesn't know about me.

Erotic Photography

Besides simply looking at erotic photography, there is definitely a part of me that likes being a PART of erotic photography. Most of my favourite pictures of myself are at least a little bit naughty.

It makes sense, really. I really discovered self-confidence through my association with the kink community and lifestyle. It was at kink events where I first saw plus sized girls sexualized and eroticised. It was at kink events when I saw male subs worshipping at the feet of gorgeous plus-sized Dominas. It was at kink events where I felt wanted, desired, appreciated. It was at kink events when I first felt that my size was not a barrier to my ability to provoke arousal in others.

And so, it makes sense that I feel most attractive in erotic or sexually charged photographs. I've never really felt too shy about having naughty pictures of me taken. I've always trusted those I've allowed to take them, but for someone who can be so shy in public, you'd think I'd be darn near phobic of having nude or sexual photos taken of me. But I'm not.

At one time, I actually was being courted a little bit by a plus sized adult website - to be a model. That was a huge ego boost! I still remember reviewing the proof sheet of the photos that my then-Master had submitted to her. It made me feel very proud.

I'm a lot more private and practical about such things today. I don't want identifiable naughty photos of me floating around the web. I'm a lot more cautious. But I still like photos that portray me as a sexual, desirable, girl. And I love feeling like I am the object of someone's desire, enough so that they want pictures of me. Especially dirty pictures. ;)

Exhibitionism

I should really clarify this fetish. I am not at all comfortable being an exhibitionist of my own accord. I don't want to stand up on stage or be noticed because I've chosen to be noticed. I don't like being in the spotlight.

But...

'Forced Exhibitionism' is something else entirely. Within a D/s construct, being put on display at my Owner's will is something completely erotic and thrilling. It objectifies me in a way that is beyond stimulating. It makes me feel as if my Owner is proud of Her property, wants to show Her property off - almost like bragging rights.

When I was new to kink, I only wanted to play in private - i was so shy. But the first time a previous Owner put me up on a St. Andrew's Cross and beat me in public, my opinion changed. There was something so amazing about scening where everyone could see. I was shy and part of me wanted to hide, but another part of me recognized the opportunity to shine, to be a good mirror of my then-Owner's training, and to make Him proud. And so, in spite of my personal shy-ness and in spite of my personal self-consciousness, it gave me a new way to focus on my then-Owner.

While Syr and I do not get many opportunities to play publicly, the few times we have, I have felt that same rush of mixed emotions. Feeling self-conscious and unsure, even scared - and yet thrilled that Syr wanted me to be seen, wanted to put me up where others could see my obedience, and ultimately - was proud of me.

There is definitely, also, an exhibitionist element to wanting to show my submission to my Owner. I always adore an opportunity to kneel at Her feet in public, to wear Her collar and leash, and to truly revel in our dynamic in public. I think that since opportunities for that type of exhibitionism are few and far between - they seem even more intoxicating when they happen.

What don't I miss?

"Life circumstances managed to strip away many of the formalities and obvious routines and rituals of our dynamic. We've talked about what we both miss and want back. I want to know up to five things you don't miss."

What I don't miss?? There's nothing I don't miss, is there? I miss it all.

I miss being put on my fur before bed, on all fours with my forehead to the fur and arms stretched out in front of me (a la 'child's pose') with Her foot resting on the back of my head or neck. I miss the feeling of containment I would feel when my attitude would slip and She would 'adjust' it for me. I miss discipline and desire and the way the two mix in a juxtaposition of wanting so badly for the sensation of being held and safe in my boundaries and the way I would hate the actual sting of the paddle or the way my face would get hot and I would feel submissive shame for needing to be disciplined in the first place.

I really miss every last bit of it... don't I?

After thinking, somewhat carefully, about this - I did manage to come up with 5 though:

1. I don't miss the constant disruption from outside our bedroom window, whenever we would have the chance for quality private D/s time - that we were experiencing at our old home.
2. I don't miss the way I would get snippy so easy because of all the stress we were experiencing.
3. I don't miss the way my Owner would be cranky or stressed and therefore in the wrong kind of headspace to be comfortable exerting Her ownership of me.
4. I don't miss the way the stress we were dealing with would impact our ability to simply relax at home and enjoy each Other's company.
5. I don't miss the little ways we were getting on each other's nerves during the transition period.

*grins*

Okay, I know I cheated - a little... but the reality is, that when we are in the right frame of mind to explore our D/s fully together - there is nothing I truly dislike and would wish to go away forever.

There are certain punishments that Syr uses that I detest - and yet I am always grateful for Her attention and correction and the way Her punishments always teach me about myself or allow me to grow a little bit more.

There are certain especially stingy implements that give Syr great joy to use on me, and yet while I don't like the sensation they produce - physically - I am grateful for the feelings they evoke - emotionally.

So in all honesty, I miss it all. But I know that with the stresses of our old home behind us, we will be finding all of it again, or recreating new rituals, routines, rules, protocols, etc together. Either way, I am grateful for our new home, and for the fresh, clean, energy of renewal that came along with it.

Service

"What is service? What would be ideal?"

It looks like a simple assignment, doesn't it? Just 7 little words. But every time I thought about starting to write about it, I'd feel overwhelmed.

I've tried looking things up online, reading topics at Fetlife, and even google image searching - just for somewhere to start.

I once flew out of state to visit a Domme whom I respected a great deal. She ran a more formal D/s home. As a guest there, I was given an incredible opportunity to experience full time service-oriented submission. I was young, and while part of me thrilled at the possibility of pleasing someone whom I respected and longed to impress, I found it a lot more challenging than I thought it would be.

Much of my BDSM experience, at that time, was online or with less experienced Dominants who were more about the 'scene' than a full time service submissive. And so, experiencing what it was like to be so immersed in service was a bit of a rude awakening. It was the first 'vacation' I'd taken as an adult, alone, and I was spending it scrubbing and dusting and cleaning, and answering to an Alpha sub in the household.

I remember precisely the moment that I 'broke'. I had been told to focus on one room for the day. And I focused. I rubbed and dusted and washed every surface I could find with uncanny detail. I found the work itself meditative and pleasurable in the way that it allowed me to fully surrender to my feelings of submissiveness and with the goal of pleasing the Lady I was there to serve. The Alpha submissive in the household was working in other rooms. At the end of each day, we were to stop working at a specific time. And when that time came, I went to go take a shower to get ready for the evening. When I came out of the shower, I found the Alpha sub walking through the room I'd cleaned, literally wearing a white glove, inspecting my work.

I remember the way that felt, as the Lady whom I was there to serve sat on the couch, perusing a magazine. I remember feeling utterly panicked. I was terrified that I hadn't done well enough. And when I saw the Alpha approach a table that I suddenly realized I hadn't dusted at all - I knew I hadn't done well enough. I was almost instantly angry. Furious, even.

I fell apart then. I had a full blown tantrum of sorts. I felt like I was serving the Alpha and not the Lady. I felt like whatever I did, it wouldn't be good enough. I felt picked on. I felt resentful.

I think I lost my temper, perhaps got in a fight with the Alpha. It was a long time ago, and I don't remember all the details, but I am sure of one thing: I was wholly unprepared for the reality of service - and was still young and selfish and was just terribly disappointed that there was no glamorous reward at the end of a long hard day of work. I received attention, of a sort, and was treated with respect. But at that point in my life, all my BDSM included play. I was really a selfish brat, really. I was given free lodging, taken care of - thoroughly treated well. But I was so upset/triggered by the service aspect of my time there, that I am certain I ended up really disrespecting my Hostess and Her household.

One conversation I had with the Lady near the end of the week, and following my third emotional breakdown of sorts, was that maybe I wasn't cut out to be a slave, or even a submissive. She explained to me, that it was ok. That maybe I was more geared to being a 'bottom'. I remember how that stung, because that wasn't what my heart really yearned for. But I also didn't know how to reconcile my selfish and panicky reactions with wanting to be a full time submissive or slave. How could I be one without the desire to provide service?

Since then, I have grown up a great deal. Though one thing has remained constant - my insecurity about my ability to offer 'service'.

My experience with my first Master reinforced this. As His collared slave, I wanted so very much to please Him. I had a slave-sister (His wife), and I only saw Him on weekends as we lived an hour and a half away from each other. But whenever He would give me a domestic chore, I would get frustrated and resentful because His house was very dirty, way beyond unsanitary due to the way He and His wife did not do any (or very little) housekeeping throughout the week, nor did they care for their pets properly so the messes were overwhelming when I would show up. I was honest with Him and admitted that I could not do the domestic service aspect. He understood and agreed. Yet this certainly didn't give me an opportunity to explore 'service' in a positive way.

All of that may be water under the bridge. Or maybe it isn't. One thing has stuck with me throughout the years, and into every relationship though - a certain amount of fear of domestic service.

So when my Owner, whom I love, adore and want nothing more than to please - asked me what Service is... I found myself freezing up a little, unsure what to write.

Service is...

Service is anticipating my Owner's needs and desires and offering those things, selflessly.

Service is when asked to do a task, no matter how little or big, doing it with a pleasant demeanor and without delay.

Service is not becoming complacent during times when our interactions have to be primarily vanilla due to lack of privacy, and still finding ways to provide for the needs and desires of my Owner.


What is ideal?

Ideally, service would come easily to me or - if not - I would actively work on it.

Ideally, my Owner would deliberately give me tasks, perhaps even one I find mildly distasteful as a training exercise, to help me overcome fears and also to condition me to be pleasing for Her. My Owner would inspect, even if casually, the work that I do to ensure it meets Her expectations.

Ideally, my Owner would ask little things of me when we are in more vanilla settings - whether to get Her a cup of coffee or tea, or make Her a snack - and would correct or discipline me (later) for any inappropriate responses that I give in the moment. IE if She asked for a coffee and I stalled or avoided doing it or pouted or sulked, I'd receive a correction or punishment later.


In the past, Syr has given me small realistic daily chores. Making the bed each day, getting the coffee ready and on weekends, serving it to Her. I know that I do crave the ritual connection to my submission that I feel when I have ritual tasks to complete on a daily or weekly basis.

Homework for a little girl

Imagine: I have just commented on a negative behaviour.

you will spend the next ten minutes thinking about recent incidents between us.

you will then take as long as you need to think of 5 possible responses that are NOT:

• defensive
• explaining away the behaviour
• confrontational (reverse blaming)
• self-attacking
• apologetic in any non-productive way

I expect to see this completed with time to discuss before 9pm tonight.

This represents the first assignment that I have received from my Owner in a long time. So much has gotten in the way and this was one thing that really went on the back burner for a very long time.

As much as I got a thrill out of seeing the paper with the instructions on my pillow, I still wrinkled my nose and stuck out my lip in all of its pouty glory as soon as I read it. I couldn't help but sulk that my first assignment after so much time is one of those.

In all my petulance, when I went back to read it again, more thoroughly, I read the first line and got hung up - "Imagine I have just commented on a negative behaviour". I rejected that line. I said in my head "Well what if it was just YOU perceiving my behaviour as negative? What if I wasn't doing anything wrong and it was just YOU misperceiving me?"

I caught myself thinking that, and then on the heels of that thought came one simple idea slamming home. If my Owner thinks that something I am doing is negative behaviour, then it IS negative behaviour. After all, a good girl wants to please her Owner.

There was something travelling about the blogosphere lately that has really stuck with both me and Syr. I read it over at kaya's blog, and she had actually quoted it from kitten's blog and I now quote it here:

"Step One to pleasing your Master

SHUT UP.

Yes. Stop talking. Hush your mouth. Stop speaking. That

is the very first step in pleasing your Master.

Step Two.

LISTEN TO WHAT HE SAYS.

Listening is different from hearing. Listen to what he says. Get in there. Hear the words and retain them. Really listen. And if you want to say something while he’s talking? Refer back to STEP ONE.

Step Three

The Last and I think most important step in pleasing your Master is this simple phrase. This action should come directly after LISTENING.

DO WHAT HE SAID."

It's perfect in its simplicity, and it comes to my mind often when I catch myself being resistant, as it did this evening. And then I got over my shit - and did step three:

Thinking of being corrected on negative behaviour was easy.

Spending 10 minutes thiking about recent incidents between us was a little more difficult. After musing on the three simple steps, suddenly most of our recent 'incidents' made me feel a little ridiculous. If even half of those times I had even just done step 1, things would have gone much differently.

Surprisingly, thinking of five positive responses, was a LOT easier in this context than I thought it was going to be.

1. Say something like:"Thanks for telling me how that made You feel, I'll try to be more careful about my tone/how I express myself/my choice of words next time." Then stop talking and Listen.
   
2. Give the benefit of the doubt. Rather than assuming that my Owner is angry, assume FIRST that it was a simple correction and if I still feel like my Owner is angry - ask. Then stop talking and Listen.
   
3. I'm sorry, Syr/Daddy/my Owner. Then stop talking and Listen.
   
4. Remind myself that any correction is done to benefit me, my Owner, or for the greater good of our relationship, THEN acknowledge my Owner's correction calmly. Then stop talking and Listen.
   
5. Instead of a flat denial which devalues and undermines my Owner, be less literal and recognize that even if that wasn't what i "meant" or how I "intended" to come across, that if my behaviour was perceived by my Owner negatively, then there is something to be fixed. Respond with trust by acknowledging my Owner's perception, then stop talking and Listen.

Gee, did I learn anything? I can't really say it's something NEW, exactly. My biggest fallacy is talking too much. No, seriously. I talk, talk, talk. I fill the silence, especially uncomfortable, tense, disappointing, or angry silences - those are my specialty. And when disapproval of any kind enters the picture, the silence doesn't even have to last more than, oh, a millisecond and I am rushing to fill it.

Where is the trust in my Owner? I need to give in, relax, breathe and remember to trust, to breathe, and to listen... just listen.

"Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much" ~ Robert Greenleaf

"The best time to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must say something or bust." ~ Josh Billings

"The first duty of love is to listen" ~ Paul Tillich

Ahh... surrender.

Perhaps all that is ever needed is for the other areas of our life to fall into place in such a way that we have the freedom of energy to express ourselves to one another the way we wish we could all the time.

I don't know all the answers, or maybe even any of them, but one thing I do know is that when our home really is our sanctuary, it becomes my Owner's castle, and truly Her domain. We've had a lot of stress in the last year in our home, stress that had nothing to do with our family or ourselves but rather an outside stressful influence. That and Syr's job were both huge sources of stress. That stress bled its way into every area of our lives.

It is only now that the Universe has cleared away a lot of those outside stressors, that we are even realizing how very much it affected us, bled into every area of our life.

The biggest impact was the energy between us, that which is raw and real, not the muted energy that tends to float around us when we are just... getting by.

Well, the reconnect time we had planned, was almost more about hitting the 'reset' button, then necessarily reconnecting in all the ways we had planned. Since that week of blissful privacy, a lot of life changes have been set into motion that have found us rediscovering energy that was lurking in the corners of our world, the energy is now creeping more and more back into the light.

Since my last post, Syr has been opening me up all over again, peeling back - so slowly - the petals that had closed tightly around me. She has been my Daddy, holding me while I cried tears of stress and anxiety. She has been my Syr, growling in my ear and placing my forehead to the floor, hands tangled in my hair. She has been my Owner, pressing into me with brutal force, claiming me absolutely and demanding my tears of release.

The other night, She laid me out bare and open to Her. Thighs spread, my deepest secrets revealed for Her inspection. She refused to let me shy away from Her gaze, to close my thighs or cover myself. It was not the first time, but it was somehow different. This time, more intense, less.... forgiving of my shyness. Her expectation was clear. Each transgression resulted in sharp reminder-slaps to my inner thighs. And when my Owner decided to deliver a few sharp smacks my exposed, tenderest flesh, I felt myself shudder and yelp with the pain and utter delight of being claimed.

Something was different as she delivered each slap with full intent. It wasn't about the sensations I was experiencing in receiving them - as much as it was about the sensations She was experiencing in delivering them. It was as if, She was feeling ... validated in Her ownership, perhaps in a way She hadn't before, or perhaps more intensely than She had before.

And when She took me, driving into me with all Her raw power and possession, I felt Her keenly, all of Her. The energy flowed freely between us, unblocked by other things, other thoughts, other stresses. There was only us, as She blinded me to everything in the world but Her. She pressed all of Her into me, with driving relentlessness, demanding one thing -

My total and complete surrender.

And with an explosion of myself and a release of all that has been, and the faith in what is and the belief in what will be, I gave it to Her.

Reconnecting

It's hard to find a groove, sometimes, when day to day life just gets in the way. Syr and I had a series of circumstances that just really put us in, well, a bit of a dry spell I guess you could say.

Most of these circumstances were physical stuff. Not feeling well for one reason or another, busy life stresses preventing privacy, other things having to come first, etc.

But there are have been lessons learned along the way. It's been a long summer, and one lesson I have learned is to work on integrating my respect for Syr as my Owner into these more mundane life realities. To find peace in Her ownership when the world is swirling around us and private moments are hard to come by. I often flounder during those times, and my treatment of Her changes - as if I forget that Her ownership extends into all areas of my life.

It is during these mundane, busy-life times that I often find myself jealous of those who do not live with their Owner, or at least live alone with their Owner. The immersive quality of being able to fully embrace my little girl self without worrying about how it might affect the others around me...

Although, I must say that Syr's discovery of another side of Herself during this time was a lovely addition to our dynamic. Syr found Herself fully embracing the Daddy side much more. While the Daddy/little girl energy was always there, feeling Her full embrace of it was a lovely treat. And I will say that we really enjoyed thriving within that dynamic during our other down-time as it seemed to work naturally.

This week, we have our first opportunity for alone time in a long-time and both of us are looking forward to reconnecting with each other, and re solidifying some things.

Okay, to put it bluntly, I need a really good beating!!! Seriously.

But meanwhile, even just the anticipation of this upcoming alone time has us both feeling a little... on edge... in that absolutely delicious way.