Imagine: I have just commented on a negative behaviour.
you will spend the next ten minutes thinking about recent incidents between us.
you will then take as long as you need to think of 5 possible responses that are NOT:
you will spend the next ten minutes thinking about recent incidents between us.
you will then take as long as you need to think of 5 possible responses that are NOT:
- defensive
- explaining away the behaviour
- confrontational (reverse blaming)
- self-attacking
- apologetic in any non-productive way
I expect to see this completed with time to discuss before 9pm tonight.
This represents the first assignment that I have received from my Owner in a long time. So much has gotten in the way and this was one thing that really went on the back burner for a very long time.
As much as I got a thrill out of seeing the paper with the instructions on my pillow, I still wrinkled my nose and stuck out my lip in all of its pouty glory as soon as I read it. I couldn't help but sulk that my first assignment after so much time is one of those.
In all my petulance, when I went back to read it again, more thoroughly, I read the first line and got hung up - "Imagine I have just commented on a negative behaviour". I rejected that line. I said in my head "Well what if it was just YOU perceiving my behaviour as negative? What if I wasn't doing anything wrong and it was just YOU misperceiving me?"
I caught myself thinking that, and then on the heels of that thought came one simple idea slamming home. If my Owner thinks that something I am doing is negative behaviour, then it IS negative behaviour. After all, a good girl wants to please her Owner.
There was something travelling about the blogosphere lately that has really stuck with both me and Syr. I read it over at kaya's blog, and she had actually quoted it from kitten's blog and I now quote it here:
It's perfect in its simplicity, and it comes to my mind often when I catch myself being resistant, as it did this evening. And then I got over my shit - and did step three:
Thinking of being corrected on negative behaviour was easy.
Spending 10 minutes thiking about recent incidents between us was a little more difficult. After musing on the three simple steps, suddenly most of our recent 'incidents' made me feel a little ridiculous. If even half of those times I had even just done step 1, things would have gone much differently.
Surprisingly, thinking of five positive responses, was a LOT easier in this context than I thought it was going to be.
Gee, did I learn anything? I can't really say it's something NEW, exactly. My biggest fallacy is talking too much. No, seriously. I talk, talk, talk. I fill the silence, especially uncomfortable, tense, disappointing, or angry silences - those are my specialty. And when disapproval of any kind enters the picture, the silence doesn't even have to last more than, oh, a millisecond and I am rushing to fill it.
Where is the trust in my Owner? I need to give in, relax, breathe and remember to trust, to breathe, and to listen... just listen.
"Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much" ~ Robert Greenleaf
"The best time to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must say something or bust." ~ Josh Billings
As much as I got a thrill out of seeing the paper with the instructions on my pillow, I still wrinkled my nose and stuck out my lip in all of its pouty glory as soon as I read it. I couldn't help but sulk that my first assignment after so much time is one of those.
In all my petulance, when I went back to read it again, more thoroughly, I read the first line and got hung up - "Imagine I have just commented on a negative behaviour". I rejected that line. I said in my head "Well what if it was just YOU perceiving my behaviour as negative? What if I wasn't doing anything wrong and it was just YOU misperceiving me?"
I caught myself thinking that, and then on the heels of that thought came one simple idea slamming home. If my Owner thinks that something I am doing is negative behaviour, then it IS negative behaviour. After all, a good girl wants to please her Owner.
There was something travelling about the blogosphere lately that has really stuck with both me and Syr. I read it over at kaya's blog, and she had actually quoted it from kitten's blog and I now quote it here:
"Step One to pleasing your Master
SHUT UP.
Yes. Stop talking. Hush your mouth. Stop speaking. That
is the very first step in pleasing your Master.
Step Two.
LISTEN TO WHAT HE SAYS.
Listening is different from hearing. Listen to what he says. Get in there. Hear the words and retain them. Really listen. And if you want to say something while he’s talking? Refer back to STEP ONE.
Step Three
The Last and I think most important step in pleasing your Master is this simple phrase. This action should come directly after LISTENING.
DO WHAT HE SAID."
SHUT UP.
Yes. Stop talking. Hush your mouth. Stop speaking. That
is the very first step in pleasing your Master.
Step Two.
LISTEN TO WHAT HE SAYS.
Listening is different from hearing. Listen to what he says. Get in there. Hear the words and retain them. Really listen. And if you want to say something while he’s talking? Refer back to STEP ONE.
Step Three
The Last and I think most important step in pleasing your Master is this simple phrase. This action should come directly after LISTENING.
DO WHAT HE SAID."
It's perfect in its simplicity, and it comes to my mind often when I catch myself being resistant, as it did this evening. And then I got over my shit - and did step three:
Thinking of being corrected on negative behaviour was easy.
Spending 10 minutes thiking about recent incidents between us was a little more difficult. After musing on the three simple steps, suddenly most of our recent 'incidents' made me feel a little ridiculous. If even half of those times I had even just done step 1, things would have gone much differently.
Surprisingly, thinking of five positive responses, was a LOT easier in this context than I thought it was going to be.
- Say something like:"Thanks for telling me how that made You feel, I'll try to be more careful about my tone/how I express myself/my choice of words next time." Then stop talking and Listen.
- Give the benefit of the doubt. Rather than assuming that my Owner is angry, assume FIRST that it was a simple correction and if I still feel like my Owner is angry - ask. Then stop talking and Listen.
- I'm sorry, Syr/Daddy/my Owner. Then stop talking and Listen.
- Remind myself that any correction is done to benefit me, my Owner, or for the greater good of our relationship, THEN acknowledge my Owner's correction calmly. Then stop talking and Listen.
- Instead of a flat denial which devalues and undermines my Owner, be less literal and recognize that even if that wasn't what i "meant" or how I "intended" to come across, that if my behaviour was perceived by my Owner negatively, then there is something to be fixed. Respond with trust by acknowledging my Owner's perception, then stop talking and Listen.
Gee, did I learn anything? I can't really say it's something NEW, exactly. My biggest fallacy is talking too much. No, seriously. I talk, talk, talk. I fill the silence, especially uncomfortable, tense, disappointing, or angry silences - those are my specialty. And when disapproval of any kind enters the picture, the silence doesn't even have to last more than, oh, a millisecond and I am rushing to fill it.
Where is the trust in my Owner? I need to give in, relax, breathe and remember to trust, to breathe, and to listen... just listen.
"Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much" ~ Robert Greenleaf
"The best time to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must say something or bust." ~ Josh Billings
"The first duty of love is to listen" ~ Paul Tillich
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