Real fear, real surrender, and bliss

It's interesting.  Prior to the fear play workshop at Mayhem, I really thought I had done a good bit of fear play.  But really, I hadn't.

A couple of days ago, my Owner took a plastic grocery bag and held it over my mouth and nose, tightly - preventing me from being able to breathe.   It began like our other breathplay - which historically only lasted 2-5 seconds, I would say.  But it lasted longer... and unlike other forms of breathplay, a simple twist of my head wouldn't move the plastic away and suddenly give me my breath back.  I was fully at my Owner's mercy with regard to when and how I would take my next breath.  It didn't go on as long as it could have (45 seconds is a commonly acceptable safe limit for breathplay and several sources say that most people won't faint from loss of oxygen for at least a minute and a half).  It went on for maybe 10-15 seconds.  It was long enough to feel like eternities longer than any other time She's ever kept me from breathihng, but not long enough to feel as if I was in true danger.

And yet, despite the logic and the knowledge that I was perfectly safe, there was suddenly an element of actual fear.  It wasn't like "oooh you're so big and tough", but my brain sending the signals to the rest of me that it was maybe going to have to fight for it's life.  And the whole time my Owner's eyes were locked on mine and when She moved the bag away and I took that first big breath and leaned forward against Her chest, I felt the truest surrender I have ever felt.

I am Hers, completely, and the trust between us allowed for me to struggle - only slightly - while I fought for air.  And when I had breath again, my feelings were a swirl of emotion and soft submission.  That sensation of fear, actual physiological fear was the most amazing thing ever.  The entire world dropped away and there was only Her.  I floated along through the remainder of my evening in a place of soft surrender and I just stayed there.  It was, of all the things we have ever done together, the deepest into my submission I have ever gone...the 'drop', the intensity of how little and owned and held I felt far surpassed any other form of play or pain that I have ever experienced.

Just before bed last night, She did it again, sans props, She pressed Her hand tightly over my mouth and pinched my nose shut - with enough pressure that I couldn't wriggle away and we locked eyes again.  This time, I struggled as She began to count up the seconds.   at 11 or 12 seconds, she reached to tickle me which made me try to gasp - and when I couldn't get breath I struggled harder, and whimpered against the palm of Her hand pressed so tightly against my mouth and still She held.  I think She let go at 15-20seconds or so, and yet it felt like forever.

She let go and as I took two or three big gulps of air, I kept my eyes on Her and just stared into Her eyes, hyperfocused on Her and positively in awe of Her, Her power, Her control, Her ownership of me.  She allowed me to play then, and when I neared my first orgasm, She took my breath again, and then ordered me to cum.  As my body convulsed in small shudders of pleasure, my mind grasped for a chance for air and as my orgasm just began to subside, my Owner gave air back to me, and I thanked Her.

I remember very little after that besides being drifting off to sleep floating in the pure, sweet, bliss of surrender.