Being little in a vanilla setting...

I was assigned to write about being little in a vanilla setting.

As I mentioned in my previous post, i've been little pretty consistently for the last several days. That's sort of new for me. Before it seemed I would find this blissful little space and then would need to 'put it aside' (or thought I did?) to function in the regular mundane world, dealing with teenagers and work and other humdrum day to day activities.

But over the last couple of days (two full work days with evenings alone with the teenagers as Syr has been working until 9pm), I have been pretty consistently little. And instead of the roller coaster of being little, then vanilla, then little, then vanilla, it's more like i've just been little all the time, and finding myself functioning from that space and having that be... good... and not at all disabling.

I think that some of the biggest triggers to this have been recognizing, admitting, and starting to work on some previously unnoticed control issues of mine. It started a process of consciously trusting and accepting what my Owner says to me. Seems like a no brainer, and I really do trust Her more than anyone else who has ever been a part of my life. But honestly, i have more trust issues than I realized. I would always surrender, unquestioningly to Her on more formal things, on matters related to our dynamic - but the day to day things I would find myself quietly questioning and wondering if I could 'do it better'. Recognizing this and then working on it has found me realizing how much of our dynamic is my responsibility.

That's something I've sure thought about and talked about it before - but apparently in a more indirect way. I logically know that it's not my Owner's job to fully maintain our dynamic... I have to offer up myself as well. But knowing it logically and implementing it consistently when you have a crap-load of baggage is a little harder.

But this neat thing happened... when I started trusting, listening, accepting what was said to me - and answering questions when asked simply and without defensiveness... I found myself reconnecting with my slave-self, that part of me that knows how to surrender, and finding it - even or even especially in vanilla settings.

I've found myself moving through my evening while my Owner is at work, and everything I do is with a mind to service. I'm amused at myself as it's usually clear how little I am by what and how I'm cooking...

Yesterday I made a pie, from scratch, with blackberries we'd picked over the weekend.

Today for dinner, I'm making a red wine braised beef to serve over herbed polenta, slow cooking, the kind that requires love and attention... the kind that has my whole heart in it.

I can put my whole heart into simpler meals, sure, and I often do. But when I am feeling confident in my slavery, I find myself wanting to do more elaborate things, and doing them with more confidence.

And within this, I find that it's not hard for me to maintain this space despite interruptions, chatting with people, working, etc. Instead it's like... integrating... finding out what it feels like to be able to be in a surrendered state of mind more consistently.

My own work and my Owner's reminders, assignments, tasks, and touches are helping keep me firmly planted here - and I like it.