Service

"What is service? What would be ideal?"

It looks like a simple assignment, doesn't it? Just 7 little words. But every time I thought about starting to write about it, I'd feel overwhelmed.

I've tried looking things up online, reading topics at Fetlife, and even google image searching - just for somewhere to start.

I once flew out of state to visit a Domme whom I respected a great deal. She ran a more formal D/s home. As a guest there, I was given an incredible opportunity to experience full time service-oriented submission. I was young, and while part of me thrilled at the possibility of pleasing someone whom I respected and longed to impress, I found it a lot more challenging than I thought it would be.

Much of my BDSM experience, at that time, was online or with less experienced Dominants who were more about the 'scene' than a full time service submissive. And so, experiencing what it was like to be so immersed in service was a bit of a rude awakening. It was the first 'vacation' I'd taken as an adult, alone, and I was spending it scrubbing and dusting and cleaning, and answering to an Alpha sub in the household.

I remember precisely the moment that I 'broke'. I had been told to focus on one room for the day. And I focused. I rubbed and dusted and washed every surface I could find with uncanny detail. I found the work itself meditative and pleasurable in the way that it allowed me to fully surrender to my feelings of submissiveness and with the goal of pleasing the Lady I was there to serve. The Alpha submissive in the household was working in other rooms. At the end of each day, we were to stop working at a specific time. And when that time came, I went to go take a shower to get ready for the evening. When I came out of the shower, I found the Alpha sub walking through the room I'd cleaned, literally wearing a white glove, inspecting my work.

I remember the way that felt, as the Lady whom I was there to serve sat on the couch, perusing a magazine. I remember feeling utterly panicked. I was terrified that I hadn't done well enough. And when I saw the Alpha approach a table that I suddenly realized I hadn't dusted at all - I knew I hadn't done well enough. I was almost instantly angry. Furious, even.

I fell apart then. I had a full blown tantrum of sorts. I felt like I was serving the Alpha and not the Lady. I felt like whatever I did, it wouldn't be good enough. I felt picked on. I felt resentful.

I think I lost my temper, perhaps got in a fight with the Alpha. It was a long time ago, and I don't remember all the details, but I am sure of one thing: I was wholly unprepared for the reality of service - and was still young and selfish and was just terribly disappointed that there was no glamorous reward at the end of a long hard day of work. I received attention, of a sort, and was treated with respect. But at that point in my life, all my BDSM included play. I was really a selfish brat, really. I was given free lodging, taken care of - thoroughly treated well. But I was so upset/triggered by the service aspect of my time there, that I am certain I ended up really disrespecting my Hostess and Her household.

One conversation I had with the Lady near the end of the week, and following my third emotional breakdown of sorts, was that maybe I wasn't cut out to be a slave, or even a submissive. She explained to me, that it was ok. That maybe I was more geared to being a 'bottom'. I remember how that stung, because that wasn't what my heart really yearned for. But I also didn't know how to reconcile my selfish and panicky reactions with wanting to be a full time submissive or slave. How could I be one without the desire to provide service?

Since then, I have grown up a great deal. Though one thing has remained constant - my insecurity about my ability to offer 'service'.

My experience with my first Master reinforced this. As His collared slave, I wanted so very much to please Him. I had a slave-sister (His wife), and I only saw Him on weekends as we lived an hour and a half away from each other. But whenever He would give me a domestic chore, I would get frustrated and resentful because His house was very dirty, way beyond unsanitary due to the way He and His wife did not do any (or very little) housekeeping throughout the week, nor did they care for their pets properly so the messes were overwhelming when I would show up. I was honest with Him and admitted that I could not do the domestic service aspect. He understood and agreed. Yet this certainly didn't give me an opportunity to explore 'service' in a positive way.

All of that may be water under the bridge. Or maybe it isn't. One thing has stuck with me throughout the years, and into every relationship though - a certain amount of fear of domestic service.

So when my Owner, whom I love, adore and want nothing more than to please - asked me what Service is... I found myself freezing up a little, unsure what to write.

Service is...

Service is anticipating my Owner's needs and desires and offering those things, selflessly.

Service is when asked to do a task, no matter how little or big, doing it with a pleasant demeanor and without delay.

Service is not becoming complacent during times when our interactions have to be primarily vanilla due to lack of privacy, and still finding ways to provide for the needs and desires of my Owner.


What is ideal?

Ideally, service would come easily to me or - if not - I would actively work on it.

Ideally, my Owner would deliberately give me tasks, perhaps even one I find mildly distasteful as a training exercise, to help me overcome fears and also to condition me to be pleasing for Her. My Owner would inspect, even if casually, the work that I do to ensure it meets Her expectations.

Ideally, my Owner would ask little things of me when we are in more vanilla settings - whether to get Her a cup of coffee or tea, or make Her a snack - and would correct or discipline me (later) for any inappropriate responses that I give in the moment. IE if She asked for a coffee and I stalled or avoided doing it or pouted or sulked, I'd receive a correction or punishment later.


In the past, Syr has given me small realistic daily chores. Making the bed each day, getting the coffee ready and on weekends, serving it to Her. I know that I do crave the ritual connection to my submission that I feel when I have ritual tasks to complete on a daily or weekly basis.