Craving drops. Big ones.

The last few days, I've realized I've been craving, like hard-core craving.... big drops. Huge. The kind that leave me shaking and crying and not knowing which way is up. Scary drops.

Plummets.

I didn't realize how hard until, last night before bed, Syr threatened me with a wooden spoon and I admitted I wanted it.

I turned and held onto the counter and, even though spoons are stingy and stingy is not my favourite, I found myself feeling almost frustrated that it wasn't harder... hurting more. Then Syr broke the spoon on my ass. And I was still wanting.... craving.

She got a new spoon and continued. I had some lovely sting and it helped settle my energy some. But still... wanting.

I woke up this morning and found myself feeling little but still craving, Shortly after getting out of bed, I was playing with the puppies on the floor (so I was already on hands and knees) and - as if reading my mind, Syr came over, placed her foot on my back and pressed me down... then Her foot on my  head, really mashing my forehead into the ceramic tile and in that moment what I thought was...

"Ow." and "Yum".

Since when did the painful pressure of forehead against ceramic tile feel so good? When she stopped and put Her foot in front of me and asked me to kiss it, I got literal shivers. This isn't Her style usually. But this sampling of harshness was.... delicious.

After this little interaction, Syr used the crop and the nerf bat on me. And though many of the strikes felt really hard and really stingy, and one made me semi-spontaneously roll over to (oh-so-briefly) hide my stinging bottom, I still knew that if She'd asked if I wanted more I'd have screamed yes in my head (though out loud would probably say "i dunno...." because I have such a hard time admitting in the moment what I REALLY want).

I know what it is about, really.

Syr's going through some medical stuff right now. Nothing "serious", but stuff that requires that She be looked after and that I be, well, the grown up making sure the things that need to get done, get done. And while all of that can be very slave-like and service-like and that part is all good, there is a feeling of me needing to be in control due to the circumstances. Not that I'm craving control, quite the opposite.

I have many triggers from past childhood stuff around medical stuff/illness. It's complicated. But I have been worried about my Owner lately, even though I know it's nothing serious. Even though I know that it will probably all be over in a few weeks at most. It is still clear that I must be grown-up and responsible and make sure She is taken care of.....

And I'm more than capable of doing that.

However, I do tend to get some anxiety around it. I'm pretty sure it's fear-based, insecurities, worries manifesting themselves. In part, I look to Her to be the Daddy and the Big Cheese and the One In Charge - and She still is, even though She's not feeling well. Logically I know that.

But emotionally, or more viscerally, I just am craving the reminders. And right now that craving is coming to the surface in the form of craving intense/harsh physical sensation and intense/harsh psychological/verbal interactions. Because these things make me feel safe. And there are a lot of life things in addition to Syr's medical concerns that have been making me feel unsettled/ungrounded lately.

All of that aside, though, truly..... what matters the most is what Syr needs to get through this medical stuff.

She needs to be able to rely on me - both to be there in a physical way but also to keep my shit together emotionally because this really isn't the time for Her to have to take on my shit.

I want to be reliable and steadfast and not let my worries and fears get in the way of being the kind of slave, wife and little girl that She  needs.

It seems that the sweet spot in accomplishing these goals is

A: being honest with myself and with Her about where I'm at (trigger-wise/emotionally) so that there are no nasty surprises for either of us.
B: not being afraid to ask for a little ass-reddening
C: staying mindful (as always)
D: being honest about my fears and not pretending they aren't there.

Truthbomb: Her being in the ER/Hospital three different times in 7 days really shook me up. Suddenly I was asking myself that question that I ask every once in a while....  what would I do if I lost Her?

The answer is scary. I don't know that I could survive it. She is my whole world. My Universe. She's my Daddy and my Owner and the greatest love of my life - a love I never knew I could even have. Even the briefest imagining of what my life would look like without Her - shakes me. Big time.

So I can put two and two together and realize that the harshness and drops I'm craving have so much to do with wanting to feel and connect with her strength and power and vitality on a visceral physical level. To FEEL Her "okayness".

yes.

I crave Her hands on me and Her cock in me and my nails dragging down Her back.
I crave being thrown to the ground and fucked ruthlessly so I will feel raw and achey for days.
I crave Her teeth against my skin.
I crave Her hand over my mouth and nose stealing my breath for longer than I think I can handle.
I crave hair pulling, not the nice kind, the kind that hurts and brings stinging tears to my eyes.
I crave the harshest, stingiest face slaps.
I crave Her fists pounding into my the sweet spots on my ass and Her flogger on my back so hard that they leave bruises I can poke at.
I crave sting and thud and controlled, deliberate fear.
I crave blood and welts
and tears
and surrender.

Trying to find my groove

I function best on a schedule....

And I think I might FINALLY be starting to figure out my current one. It's taking a lot of flexibility - something I'm notoriously bad at, but I am learning - more out of necessity then anything.

I'm starting to learn which tasks should be prioritized and which ones can be put off. And then there's some tasks that I can't seem to find my groove on. So it's definitely a work in progress.

The biggest thing I'm still figuring out is balancing work and chores. It's not that there's too much, it's that I tend to get very tunnel visioned and do entirely one or the other - and I understand from Syr that if I'm going to do that, I should focus on work first - which definitely makes sense.

Now, I'm starting to interrupt some of that tunnel vision to get some chores done again, but it's not back up to the standard it was when we first moved here so I know I have some more work to do.

Oops.

So just 24 hours after being reminded the first time, I had to be reminded again. Oops.

In "owning my stuff" category, I have to say that being reminded feels good. I wouldn't deliberately skip days in order to be reminded, but it is nice to see the input from Syr in writing......

I have this visceral reaction to Her words on paper (on screen). Perhaps it is because in the early days of our D/s, so much of it was words on pages or on screens. Assignments. Tasks. Punishments. Discipline. Scenes...

I've always responded from a very primal place to seeing Her words.... and it hasn't changed or lessened over the years. So that's sort of what's on my mind at this precise moment...

Wanting

Today I'm full of wanting. I feel warm. Squirmy. Needy. Bordering on desperate.

I'm not sure why I'm so very responsive, other than that I feel contained and when I feel contained I feel freer to express all the desires in me.... maybe.

Or there's no reason at all and I'm just horny.

I have to spend most of my late afternoon and evening away from home but my mind is definitely on all the naughty things. This should be interesting....

Combative Energy

My Owner gave me an assignment for today. I was to meditate, yoga, and meditate some more - and then write about a topic of Her choosing: Combative Energy.

Well it certainly makes sense that She would want me to mediate first.... to get into a more contemplative head-space before tackling a more intense topic.

Usually, when She assigns a topic like this, it's because She wants to see "stream of consciousness" style writing - without a lot of editing or second guessing. Making sure that I'm first in a receptive frame of mind probably opens the door to better or clearer thinking, which may allow for greater insights. Guess we'll see.

I think that, by combative energy, Syr is referring to a particular mindset I get at times - fairly regularly - whenever something is going on that has me feeling at least a little bit intense.

This mindset usually involves a way of communicating I take on that is really negative. It's not mean or necessarily rude, it's more that I tend to communicate entirely in "no's" if that makes sense. I don't actually say "no". I imply a negative frame of mind or a non-supportive or argumentative stance by throwing up objections, asking questions intended to put Her on the defensive.

When I say "intended", that is how the questions are worded. It isn't my conscious intention to put Her on the defensive, but that's exactly what happens.

Example:

Syr: "Do you want to go to the store?"
me: "What for? Why do we need to go to the store?"

A non-combative energy response might look like this instead:

Syr: "Do you want to go to the store?"
me: "I'm not really feeling up to going out. If we need something, though, I'm up for making a quick trip." (or something like that).

I don't know. To me that second one still sounds a little combative. I think that's because anytime the answer to a question is truthfully "no", I don't really know how to handle that. As in, I don't know how to say no without feeling intense about it. I think that's a big part of where the intensity comes in. Because I'm uncomfortable providing a no-type answer, I feel uncomfortable about anything I'm saying, so I try to avoid saying no by challenging the question, rather than just being honest. This seems to stem from an issue I have (in general) with being blunt with my opinion if I think the other person wants to hear something different.

Syr is incredibly reasonable. She rarely gets annoyed or frustrated if I don't want to do something She wants to do. She likes the things we do to be mutually agreed upon when it comes to day to day type things. Obviously, as my Owner, there are things She will ask me to do that I don't really get a say in, but even then if there is a legitimate reason why I need to delay or can't do what I'm asked, She will always listen and make the decision best for me in the long run.

So, why am I so uncomfortable just saying words like "no" - unless I am being over-the-top playful/obviously bratty etc? That's an interesting question.

It obviously stems from not ever feeling like I was allowed to as a young person (long family history stuff there). That's the logical conclusion.

So, what do I do about it? This comes down to a situation where I am once again throwing eggshells at my own feet. The reality is, if Syr were to say "Do you want to go to the store?" and I were to say (politely) "No." and not say another word, She'd probably inquire as to why. I don't think She'd be annoyed with me. Where annoyance (and combative energy) seems to come into play is when I say "No, I mean I've had a long day and you know work was tough, and I'm still sick and I'd really rather stay home and and and and..."

Because, then it puts Her on the defensive. If I simply say no, She would surely follow up to ask why or if I'm feeling okay or whatever afterward - right?  Funny, even writing this down I don't feel confident. LOL No is just hard for me. So I seem to say everything else BUT, and that comes across so much worse. Because as SOON as I do that, Syr will get frustrated and then I'll panic that I've done something wrong and get defensive and it all goes downhill from there.

She does blunt all the time with me and it works just fine. Sometimes I get a little huffy about it, but it is usually just a tiny little blip and we move on and either discuss it further or we drop it and do something else.

Combative energy doesn't only rear its ugly head when I want to say effectively "no" to something, though. That's just one example.

Other times/ways it comes out is if I am feeling angsty in general. Sometimes this is because I have a particular expectation about something - like I got myself fixated on a particular activity, or goal for the day/evening and something Syr has said has indicated that She's taking us in a different direction, so I'll get generally combative and (not entirely consciously) throw up objections or ask the objection-ish questions like in my examples above.....

I've written about this in the past because it's that whole letting go of control thing. If I've gotten an expectation about something, or become fixated on how my day is going to play out - I'll get combative when She takes over (hello! that's Her job!) and steers us in a different direction. It's rarely, if ever, because I don't like the direction She's taking us in - it's usually because it's Her steering now instead of me, and I don't shift gears very well.

Last night is a good example. I didn't realize it at the time, but I'd gotten fixated on how the evening was going to play out. I didn't realize HOW fixated until way later when I got some distance from my bout of combative behaviour. Syr was feeling very sleepy and was steering the evening in a different direction - which is Her right and privilege as my Owner.....  and I was struggling with shifting. I unintentionally made some remarks that showed that deep down I was trying to "get us back on track". She called me on it and I denied it. I really didn't think that's what I'd been doing! But after the subject was dropped and everything was going well, I realized I was grumpy in general because my evening wasn't going how I'd planned and that's when I realized She'd been right all along.

In the end, though, we ended up snuggling together in bed and watching a show that was interesting and funny. I really enjoyed the quiet time with Her. Letting Her steer the remainder of the evening didn't hurt. It was pretty pleasurable. I just had to let go of that need to control.

It's so difficult to explain how all the things that Syr does to try to boost my confidence and make me a stronger person are so effective BECAUSE I am able to give up control. When I am grappling for control - that part of me that wants me to grapple that is - I am at my unhealthiest. When I release and let go, surrender and submit, I transform into the me I want to be. I become confident in healthy ways in the areas of my life where I want to be confident and self-possessed.  I am more self-aware and feel healthy and handle my emotions much better. When I grasp for control (whether I get it or not), I am not in a good place. Combative energy - that type of behaviour is a warning sign that I'm behaving in an unhealthy way.... because all the combative energy comes from a sudden 'urge' to be in control. And those urges don't spring from a healthy place in me. They come from a long history of abuse that I am working very hard to overcome.

And so, I've learned some things - as is usually the case when Syr gives me something to write (and think) about. :)

Thank You, Syr!

Learning to give up control

First off, I've really been getting a LOT out of the 3 sentences task that Syr has me doing. I'm finding that it's serving as a really good record of my state of mind from a submissive and/or little girl space for the day and it's really useful. It gives Syr a glimpse into where my head is at and keeps me feeling connected and self-aware, as writing always does.

One thing that's been coming up a lot for me lately is a new kind of self-awareness. I'm starting to learn to take more and more responsibility for my headspace, for how I'm feeling and how that feeling may or may not impact my behaviour and the people around me, most particularly my Owner.

I've had some pretty intense lessons around all of this the last few days. Last week, I really messed up and let my bad day bleed into my tone and treatment of my Owner and picked a stupid fight with Her. She got angry with me and then I got panicked and didn't handle it well at all. One thing I had to do was give Her some space - something I struggle with... and I did it, but it was really hard!

I managed, though, to learn a few things about how I react when I'm freaked out about having made Her angry. I learned that my mind will grasp at desperate measures to turn the situation around and make it so that it's all about me. I learned, by thinking it through, that I didn't want to respond this way - that if I've behaved badly I want to keep the focus on the person I've hurt by my behaviour (my Owner) and not try to make it all about how terrible I feel and how I need Her reassurance that everything is okay. It's tough work, but I am working to break decades of really bad, unhealthy patterns and this is a part of that process for me. So, there were some valuable lessons learned and some good epiphanies had as a result of the stupid argument - so that's been a positive takeaway.

Yesterday and today both presented opportunities to take responsibility for my mood. At different times both yesterday and today I was being a little moody and touchy - intense as my Owner likes to call it. I was able to recognize it, admit it, and because I was consciously aware of it - NOT let it turn into something. Instead, by admitting it and being aware of it, I was able to relax and the feeling went away - I was able to enjoy the rest of my day. Previously, if I was having an intense sort of day, emotionally, I would almost always pick a fight (not intentionally, of course, more of a subconscious pattern). But I didn't do that, so those were big successes.

Then, today, there was another moment where I was presented an opportunity to learn something. Syr called me on a, relatively minor, bit of defiance. But I was feeling defensive over it and caught myself falling into that habit of trying to make it all about how bad I felt about the behaviour which then created a whole different layer of stress. I had to listen to my Syr and drop the subject because it was about to turn into another little fight, and I did. Then I realized what I'd been doing and realized I should admit my new epiphany to my Owner. In doing so, I realized how scary all of this is. Admitting that I have realized I was doing something manipulative or unhealthy is a very vulnerable thing and really makes me feel like I am giving up even more control - which of course I am and which, of course, our whole relationship is about. But it's just that it keeps getting deeper.

I love that it's getting deeper, but it hit me somewhat hard today just how scary that is sometimes. I am so vulnerable with Her, so raw, so open and there is no side of me that I can keep hidden. Nothing is left in shadow - everything is brought into the light and some days I feel very exposed.

There is good and bad in this feeling. Bad is the fear and the nervousness that being so exposed creates - but good is the knowledge that I am safe, loved, and treasured, and being so vulnerable allows me to surrender even deeper to Her, and that feels amazing.

Daddy's Tools

These are a few of Daddy's tools.

More specifically, these are reserved primarily for punishment.

There is the duct-tape handled implement made out of the coat hanger which I not so lovingly call "the ouchie thing", the giant flat wooden spoon/paddle, and the almost pretty-looking but ridiculously evil "red thing" which was manufactured to be a rug-beater. It is, now, a little-girl-beater.

I've written a lot about discipline and punishment lately, but the reality is that these are a big part of my own growth in my D/s journey lately. Daddy's ability and willingness to punish me have deepened my connection and submission to Her and have also allowed me to feel even more safe and cared for and contained.

Recently, She had me bent over Her knee and, while spanking me, asked me questions about my state of mind. Answers like "I don't know" or "maybe" or "I'm not sure" got me more and harder slaps with the back of the scrub brush she was paddling me with, so I was not able to answer without dropping any hesitation or beating around the bush. She asked me if I thought She had been too soft lately, too lenient, and I admitted, yes, after a series of hard smacks. She asked if I needed Her to be harsher with me, and again I admitted yes.

I notice that when She gets too 'easy' on me, it is harder for me to find that foundation, that ground that I stand on, that everything else blossoms from. It's up to me to continue to press myself to trust and surrender and let go and move forward. I just truly appreciate the way that my Daddy can empower me by being willing to deliver those corrections when they are needed.

Thank You Daddy, for correcting me.

Possession and Surrender (My Six Word Memoir)

Possession and Surrender ~ This was a concept I sort of discovered when I was burned out by the BDSM "community" and all the pretense and bullshit. I was done being jerked around and realized that I just couldn't do D/s if that's what it was about. And yet, some part of me still yearned to give up, give in, submit.... surrender. I found that even in my vanilla interactions with romantic or sexual partners that there was still an element of submission to the very energy that I brought to the experience.

And so, I started a discussion on a community list about this topic. Here are some excerpts from that discussion (my words/thoughts only):

"To me, to possess, to yearn to be possessed.. is more than just being Dominated... it is giving up ones self completely to the Other in that moment, moments, lifetime. It is a full and complete feeling and one that requires no props (though they are lots of fun!) And often, I find this phenomenon happens naturally."

"Surrender.. to surrender... to be surrendered to... implies again a more full and complete giving of ones self. To me, surrender means to let go completely. Away, go my inhibitions and self-consciousness and self-doubt. Away, go my nervousness and fear. Instead there is only the sweet softness of surrender. "

“Before, I submitted out of need. Now, I surrender out of choice.”

“To surrender is to allow.. It is to allow the lesson to be learned, to be received. It is to allow for perfect completeness of sensation and of trust. It is to allow one to permeate your being for those few moments, or for a lifetime.”

“There is fear when one attempts to surrender without being fully prepared. It is an unmasking. It is a clear and stark reality. It is trusting the other to see you as you truly are, not the you that you portray through all the many masks and veils that we wear in our day to day lives. It is purity.”

I have always yearned to feel posessed, owned. And I have always yearned to surrender, to let go, to give in, and to submit.

These are themes present throughout my entire life. While subconsciously, it seems, my 'programming' has me trying to control and manipulate, what I yearn for - what I desire - is the sweet serenity of surrender.

And so my six word memoir is simple:
I am learning how to surrender

I was tagged by Lenora who was tagged by Saratoga

The rules are as follows:
-Write your own six word memoir

-Post it on your blog and include a visual illustration if you’d like

-Link to the person that tagged you in your post

-Tag five more blogs with links

-And don’t forget to leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play

**Sorry everyone! I don't really know who to tag!! But please feel free to participate if you're interested!**

A little girl's random thoughts...

I'm sitting on the bed, next to my Syr. She is playing a video game and I am enjoying a simple happy sensation of contentedness.

This is especially notable given that we had a difficult early evening thanks to more of my issues - this time a trigger of mine around food. It wasn't the most fun experience, ever, but as always we communicated and learned more about each other in the process.

I'm craving Her, like craving water after walking in the hot, dry, desert all day. I'm craving that indescribeable feeling of Her cock driving into me, filling me, claiming me.

She kisses me and I shiver inside, in my very spirit-center from down deep and low to that high point inside of me that makes me near giddy with want and need.

I'm craving the feeling of Her teeth against my soft skin, and of the span of Her hand pressing me down, holding my body into the mattress as Her cock plays me like a musical instrument.

I want to feel Her hands tangle in my hair and pull, hard, as She presses - so deep - and Her body shudders as She comes inside me.

I want to surrender, and melt, and obey and be.