Tuesday, December 02, 2014

Cold fridge attitude adjustment

I greeted Syr today...

Kneeling.

Topless.

Holding one of the collars I can wear in the privacy of our home.

Syr seemed to like that.

Later, as I helped Her put away groceries and prep for dinner, She decided She wanted to press my back against the stainless steel of the fridge.

Being that I've been practicing Yoga for almost 15+ years, I'm pretty flexible so my butt was against the fridge but I was backbending like crazy to keep the majority of my back against the fridge...

Then I started to feel a little smug about said flexibility.

So She looked me in the eye and made it clear that bratty time was over. So I let my back get pressed against the fridge, squealing from the cold while Syr pinned my wrists over my head.

Then She chuckled....

And turned me around and pressed my WHOLE FRONT against the fridge. Which, She explained, was because I'd tried to avoid getting my back pressed against it. After a few very contrite apologies, She let me back away from the cold metal.

Lesson learned.


Monday, December 01, 2014

Submissive Advent - Day 1

I signed up to receive the daily advent emails from Luna at Submissive Guide this year. I thought it would be fun to see what kind of prompts/activities come up since I am focusing on my submission as it is.

Today's activity is to extract two lines from Shakespeare's Sonnet 57 that speak to me and reflect upon them throughout the month as mantra.

Being your slave what should I do but tend
Upon the hours, and times of your desire?
I have no precious time at all to spend;
Nor services to do, till you require.
Nor dare I chide the world without end hour,
Whilst I, my sovereign, watch the clock for you,
Nor think the bitterness of absence sour,
When you have bid your servant once adieu;
Nor dare I question with my jealous thought
Where you may be, or your affairs suppose,
But, like a sad slave, stay and think of nought
Save, where you are, how happy you make those.
So true a fool is love, that in your will,
Though you do anything, he thinks no ill.

I will be honest and say that while the sonnet as a whole spoke to me sweetly, However, when trying to decide which lines to extract that felt personally meaningful to me, I had a hard time. So I'm going to extract two parts and write about what they make me think/feel. I'll reflect upon them a bit throughout the month but they're not quite right for me to use as mantra.

I decided on this part:
Being your slave what should I do but tend
Upon the hours, and times of your desire? 

This speaks to the idea that I was discussing with Syr not that long ago that I'd stumbled upon through someone else's writing - that one shouldn't spend more than $20 or 20 minutes on an activity intended to be of service without first finding out if that activity is truly making one's Owner's life better (IE is something that Owner wants). Good point. Sometimes I have wasted hours agonizing over things that I want to do to make Syr's life better that Syr could care less about - which ultimately means that time is wasted (from a service perspective). So I'm trying to pay attention - to what She actually wants/needs or check in if I'm not sure.

And this one:
I have no precious time at all to spend;
Nor services to do, till you require.

I think this speaks to priorities. If I am engrossed in something that I'm doing and Syr asks something of me - to make Her a tea or take the dogs out or whatever. She is not interrupting me. Rather, any other activity I'm doing is simply intended to fill space between when I am needed. That's what this line makes me think of. But not in a bad totally focused on Her to unhealthy (for me) levels - in a, "hey, remember your place when your Owner requires your services or attentions" kind of way. Sometimes I'll feel momentarily disgruntled if I'm interrupted or if something doesn't go according to the "plan" in my mind. If I remember that 1st priority is service (in the day to day activities category) and 2nd category is random internet or video games or tv or reading or whatever - then I get better as a slave.

Sunday, November 30, 2014

Thinking....

Thinking of service these last few days - hard. Loving the hell out of making Syr's life easier. Loving the HELL out of making sure Her home is being run smoothly so She can enjoy the time She's at home more, and we can both feel more relaxed - me more grounded in my slavery and Her more able to spend what energy She does have on pleasurable things. Feeling very satisfied mentally/emotionally with our D/s these days because of how smoothly and naturally things seem to be going. Loving it.

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Today...

Today...

I woke up
Took the dogs for their morning walk.
Made the bed
Straightened up the house.
Baked a loaf of bread
Set the crockpot and rice cooker to ensure dinner would be ready when work was finished this evening
Took the dogs for a long afternoon walk
Researched servicey things for my Owner
Gave my Owner a kiss when she unexpectedly popped in to pick something up for work
Got showered, dressed and ready

Now, I'm about to head to work for a couple of hours.

When I get home, I'm looking forward to some quality time, just my Owner and me.

Who knew service could feel this damn good?

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Bruised and satiated

Syr and I had a check-in conversation the other day. Mostly what I wanted to do was touch base. I've been doing a lot of pro-active service, mostly domestic, lately and wanted to check in and make sure I was focusing my energies in a good direction and not overlooking things Syr would like me to be doing. I also wanted to review any current rules and expectations.

It ended up being a really good conversation and I walked away feeling clear on Syr's wishes/desires. Partly what was "different" about this talk for me was that my interest in approaching it was in meeting Syr's needs, in being an effective and useful slave, in knowing I was serving Her in a way She wanted to be served..... rather than worrying about my needs, my desires, etc.

When we got home that evening, I asked Syr for a beating. *grin*

Syr said maybe. ;)  And then mentioned She did have a nerf bat to try out (that I'd picked up many weeks ago at a discount store).

Needless to say... several hours and several bruises and a really good, hard, rough fucking later, I fell asleep in my Owner's arms, feeling content and contained.

This is what real life, 24/7 looks like for us. And it's amazing....

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

A little about Our story...

I was updating my Fetlife profile and ended up writing this. So I thought I would share it here...

My Owner collared me in January of 2006. She proposed that same week. But, the truth is, I belonged to Her even before then. The collar and the ring made it official.

I feel like I've known my Owner forever.

It never ceases to amaze me how She can understand why I'm doing something even before I do.

I am so grateful for Her gentle and loving leadership, patience, tenacity, understanding and care, especially in the ways She has worked hard to support me and help me heal from many years of family dysfunction and trauma. It's a journey and takes a lot of work and effort - but it is never a journey I walk alone, thanks to Her.

Our power-exchange dynamic has evolved many times since it first began. The reality of raising children together and our more recent reality of being empty nesters along with a slurry of family drama, work and financial drama, and many other factors cause necessary ebbs and flows in the realities of what our day to day looks like.

I have temporarily lost the right to wear Her collar during more than one of these hard times. Each time, I earned it back. However, more recently, I came close to losing it (but thankfully not Her) permanently. Syr will give up our dynamic before She gives up on our marriage. And if one has to go to save the other, go it will.

That was a difficult time and an incredible opportunity for growth and learning for me. I had lost sight of what mattered. I had become so focused on myself and my needs that I forgot, almost entirely, about Hers.

Thankfully, we had an opportunity for a real heart to heart talk right at that turning point - and thankfully in that moment, I truly listened and heard what She had to say. Had I not seen it for the wake up call it was, a lot would be different now. And so I am grateful, very grateful, to be sharing this life with Her because it is never simple, it is never easy, and being Hers demands that I hold myself to a very high standard. And so I continue to be incredibly committed to putting in the work - the work to be better, more mindful, more aware.

Syr often says that my abusive/dysfunctional/childhood past is not my fault - but it is my problem.

That sums it up. No matter the reason for the issues I struggle with, it is my "problem" - or, in other words, my responsibility to face what I need to face and to put in the work where it's needed to overcome what I can.

No matter what else happens, Syr has one primary requirement of me - and this requirement forms the foundation of not only our power exchange dynamic, but also of our marriage. And in this one singular requirement, I must never - ever fail:

**Never stop trying. Never stop making an effort.**

I'm going to screw up. Sometimes, I'm going to screw up badly. But the moment I turn to Her and say "Sorry, that's just how it is/i am. Too bad." is the moment that everything would unravel for us. Does this mean I have carte blanche to treat Her badly? No. But it does mean that She has an innate understanding of the nuances of a relationship like ours - not just the BDSM aspects of it, but the all-in commitment we have to one another.

She inspires me to be the best person I can be. Part of my motivation for that is that there is no better feeling in this world than Her pride in me. Part of my motivation is that I hope to be the wife, babygirl, partner, and slave that She deserves.

We talk about submission as a gift. And yes, it is. To give ones self over to someone else so completely is an act of trust. But loving Dominance and Mastery and Ownership and Daddyship(?) are also gifts. To own another, to take on that level of responsibility also requires a lot of work, a lot of commitment, a hell of a lot of patience and a lot of self-awareness.

I trust my Owner explicitly. I trust Her to ALWAYS act in my best interest - to always give me what I need, even if it's not what I want, and to keep me safe physically and emotionally.

But sometimes I fail in trusting. Sometimes trust is crazy hard. When we had our BIG TALK, the one where we had to decide the direction our relationship was going... I had to admit that sometimes I don't trust Her. Sometimes, that trust is a struggle for me. Sometimes my behavior belies a lack of trust. Sometimes fear and my past get in the way of trust.

And then we come full circle - because Syr has earned my trust - without question. And She is the first person to ever earn the level of trust I have in Her - but I still have further to go in the trust department. Trust issues arise for me for very valid reasons (again, abusive/dysfunctional childhood and past relationships play a very big role here).

So these trust issues may not be my fault. But they are my problem. And so I do my best to stay mindful. To be humble. To learn. To never fool myself into believing I have it all figured out. Because I don't. No one does.

We are all beautiful, human, works in progress. I am committed to the big work of being better. And grateful to have an Owner who not only supports this work - but demands it.

I couldn't imagine it being any other way.

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Reflecting...

I've been reflecting the last couple of days about the D/s, Owner/slave dynamic between my Owner and I...

I don't know exactly what brought it to the forefront, but I have found myself going to some deeper places inside myself that I've not really gone in a long time.

I'm not sure if that makes sense.... but I think that our recent new status as empty nesters has stirred up some old feelings that, for many practical reasons, got shoved to the back.

I don't know what to call it. Back in the days of more formal communities online, I probably would have called it my slave heart. But that feels almost silly to say now. Maybe because I've grown up. Maybe because I see my Owner and my dynamic as a more organic, always-evolving thing now rather than something confined to specific labels or categories, though we are undeniably Owner/slave, that term doesn't resonate with me the way it used to, perhaps because I don't see things in the compartmentalized way that I used to.

That being said, I find myself looking closely at myself and my behavior through this deeper-service-slavey filter and realizing that in a lot of ways I've been falling down on the job for a long long time.

On the flip side, though, I see so many ways I have grown and evolved and matured and become self-maintaining (for lack of a better way to express that). So it's not like I'm sitting here berating myself or feeling guilty, necessarily.

I just see room for improvement... room for more gratitude and awareness and mindfulness. More room for making life easier for my Owner. But especially, more room for remembering my place all the time and not when things are easier.

I had really noticed when one of the man-kids was staying with us a couple days that my energy and attitude shifted noticeably when he was home, it really gave me pause to notice how not having privacy affected how I viewed myself within the context of our relationship and dynamic and I didn't like that.