Saturday, March 28, 2015

Trying to find my groove

I function best on a schedule....

And I think I might FINALLY be starting to figure out my current one. It's taking a lot of flexibility - something I'm notoriously bad at, but I am learning - more out of necessity then anything.

I'm starting to learn which tasks should be prioritized and which ones can be put off. And then there's some tasks that I can't seem to find my groove on. So it's definitely a work in progress.

The biggest thing I'm still figuring out is balancing work and chores. It's not that there's too much, it's that I tend to get very tunnel visioned and do entirely one or the other - and I understand from Syr that if I'm going to do that, I should focus on work first - which definitely makes sense.

Now, I'm starting to interrupt some of that tunnel vision to get some chores done again, but it's not back up to the standard it was when we first moved here so I know I have some more work to do.

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

A change in perspective...

The day before yesterday, my Owner was having one of those days where her body was just sore. She was having a bad knee day, and her shoulder's been bothering her.

We'd had a short argument, or rather more accurately - a few minutes of tension which dissolved rather quickly, all things considered.

Shortly after, as Syr was still in her work clothes, I offered to remove her belt for her. She put her hands in her pockets and just looked at me with that "go ahead..." look. And so I locked eyes with her as I slowly unbuckled and then removed her belt, looping it and handing it to her as I turned to place both hands on the counter, sticking my bottom out rather enticingly.

Syr obliged with first a couple and then many more expertly delivered strikes to my backside with her belt, something that's always made me weak-kneed. Afterward, I asked her if she wanted to see her handiwork.... and she tugged my pants and panties down, revealing my reddened bottom. Running her nails along my sensitive skin, pinching, grabbing, and delivering a few stinging bare-handed slaps.

And then she took my hand and led me to the bedroom.... and I knew she was going to fuck me.

She strapped her cock on and then pulled those sexy blue jeans back on.....  she stood in front of me and pulled me close, pulled my mouth onto her cock. Something I've always loved to do, but something that used to make me feel... powerful... yet somehow I felt.... taken and submissive more than I felt powerful. She knows how much I love to suck her cock, and knows it's her with all the power.... and so I gave into that.

She pulled away and beckoned me to the bed, but I hesitated.  As sexy as all of this was, I was legitimately concerned for her body and checked in - wondering if it was really going to be okay with her knee and shoulder and so on. She got this evil twinkle in her eye and I knew she had a plan.

And.... yes... she did.

She sat on the bed, me standing in front of her.... and calmly told me that I was going to ride her.

.....

Oh.

See, in the past that was only something I did occasionally and when I did I often felt rather... um... power trippy?  But, suddenly, I got very little and nervous and worried and shy. I didn't know how I felt about being on top! I was in a subbie head space and not exactly sure how it'd feel to be on top...... but it was clear I didn't have a choice.

Syr laid back and I wanted to bury my face in her chest and hide.... but she pulled me on top of her. And soon her cock was inside me and there I was... naked and moving on top of her, feeling the rough denim of her blue jeans against my sensitive bottom, feeling her hands on me..... and I got quickly lost.

I'd never imagined I could feel so little and so NOT in control while on top! She touched and held me, pulled me close, kissed me, took my breath, told me when I must stop and when I could move. And it ended up being not only incredibly hot but unlike anything I'd ever experienced.

Sometimes it stuns me how the things that used to make me feel like I had all the power, now seem to be the things that make me feel the most deliciously powerless.

Something tells me that we'll be playing that game again before too long...

Saturday, March 14, 2015

Growth In Service: Allowing for normal human emotion

This is a subject near and dear. It's been something that has been in the forefront of my personal work for a very long time. Years. Many years.

Allowing myself to express normal emotion - and having that be a safe and healthy thing - is still something I"m learning how to do.

It is through my submission to my Owner - that absolute safety that She offers me... something I'd never experienced to this degree before - that I am finally learning to get actually in touch with normal human emotion.

Learning that it's okay to FEEL anger.... frustration... annoyance... and other feelings I label as "negative" is part of learning to be mindful about how (or if) I choose to express those feelings to others - especially how I choose to express those feelings to my Owner.

Before learning it was okay to feel those feelings, I was often so overwhelmed by them, that I would explode. It wasn't productive from any perspective - and especially not within the perspective of an Owner/property dynamic.

But I am grateful.... because Syr knew. She knew that it wasn't just about getting me to shut up when I yelled. Or getting me "in hand". It was about addressing the underlying issue... teaching me that I was allowed to feel what I felt....

It has been one of the greatest gifts She ever gave me.

And sometimes I still struggle with remembering. But the point is, the groundwork has certainly been laid.

But I just realized something really important. Really important.

I can't remember the last time I completely lost my temper. I can't remember the last time I felt shaky with rage and indignation (something I used to feel whenever I got the slightest bit angry). In fact, I think it's been easily a year. Maybe two. Maybe I'm remembering wrong. Maybe there's been times. But they dwindled in frequency over such a long time...

This is an area I can look at and say, honestly..

Yes. Yes I have made progress. Lots of it.

Feeling humbled and grateful....


GROWTH IN SERVICE:
Conflict Checklist
Identifying when an 'issue' must be addressed right then.
 Allowing for normal human emotion
 Grumpy vs. angry, indirect vs. passive aggressive
 Aim for at least a 60/40 split with Listening vs. Talking
 How “mentally preparing” for next point interferes with listening
 Explaining reasoning does not negate/erase feelings
 Ask, don’t tell Owner what Her feelings are
 Waiting for the answer after asking a question
 Not defending/countering
 Accepting the answer given as the only sane choice
 How not doing these things invalidates Owner’s feelings/emotions
 The Reminder: “Who Owns Who?”
 The purpose of the reminder, why was it necessary?
 Understanding the risk Owner is taking in doing the reminding
 Taking a moment to be grateful
 Pause and reflect on behaviour – in line with protocol?
 “Stop” – Respecting Owner’s boundaries/need for space
 Hearing & respecting the first time (always an order)
 Ego Removal
 Thinking / Understanding
 Trust
 Seeking reassurance – appropriate time and place
 Resolving conflict productively
 Assigning blame - why?
 “I’m sorry” versus processing / expressing remorse
 Trusting Owner to apply correction when required
 Post-conflict self-abuse (mental/verbal/physical) = lack of trust
 Wallowing/Dwelling

Service and Mindfulness
 Can one exist without the other?
 Ways to cultivate mindfulness
 Identify your intentions
 Continual removal of conflicting thoughts
 Service to Owner as service to self

Orders
 What qualifies as an order
 Who judges whether a request is important?
 Bargaining
 Recognition/Reward – want vs. need
 The positive effects of obedience

Being aware of Owner’s needs & desires
 Offering vs. Being asked
 Identifying, Understanding, & Banishing fear with trust
 Practice, Practice, Practice
 Avoidance & Anxiety
 Identify the block / inner objection
 Processing anxiety 
 What’s driving it
 Trusting
 Working within self-expectations
 Desired level of service vs Minimum level (keeping it realistic)
 Trusting Owner to decide what is/is not an acceptable level of service
 Identify the pleasure - Service to Owner as service to self

Eye contact
 Keeping focus when receiving direction
 Maintaining focus when responding
 Looking at vs. looking through

Corrections
 Hearing the correction
 Understanding the correction
 Ego removal
 Responding and offering gratitude for the Correction

Expressing Gratitude
 What the hell for?
 Understanding the service your Top provides
 You probably need it – even if you disagree.

Spiritual self-work
 Neuro-Elasticity vs. Samskaras
 The joy of sticking with it
 
Processing “negative” emotions
 Identifying uncomfortable emotions
 Examining the root – why is it so uncomfortable?
 What is the fear - what’s the worst that could happen?
 What to do with these emotions
 Is it necessary to express verbally?
 Productive ways to do so
 Identifying coping mechanisms / Ways to process productively

The discipline of focus
 Visualize goal
 Removing distraction
 Motivating self through reflecting on success

Learning to follow
 Being patient
 Micro-management
 Identifying what the fear is
 Remembering to trust
 Being flexible and open minded as service
 Being comfortable without a plan / Spontaneity
 Creating false objections to stay in ‘safe zone’
 Letting go and letting Owner be in charge
 Indecision
 Identifying when struggle for control is the root
 Asking for help when needed
 Respect

Identifying Milestones
 Identifying smaller achievements
 Remembering smaller achievements
 Rewarding smaller achievements (bidirectionally)

Protocol
 All Settings
 Mindfulness of Tone / Voice
 LISTENING: Learning to unfilter verbal information
 Identifying the filter
 Acknowledging the obstacle
 Listening to precise language
 SPEAKING: Learning to unfilter verbal information
 Identifying the filter / desire to spin
 Acknowledging the obstacle
 Speaking precisely
 Remaining open to response
 Integrating mindfulness
 Answering Questions
 Giving a straightforward answer
 Avoidance and defensiveness
 Answering a question with a question
 Interactions with others
 Vanilla settings
 Addressing Owner
 Tone used with terms of endearment, use of first name
 Walking / Travelling
 Food & Beverage
 Dining out
 Family Leisure time
 Public – kinky/private settings
 Addressing Owner – Syr, Daddy, my Owner
 Expectation removal
 Verbalizing desires
 Desire vs Need
 Accepting answers/responses – with trust
 Food & Beverage Service
 Playtime
 Providing sensual service
 Verbalizing headspace/mood
 Removal of intensity / impulse to drive a scenario
 Providing feedback
 How expectation removal allows for full immersion in scene
 Aftercare

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Growth In Service: Identifying when an 'issue' must be addressed right then.

I thought I'd start at the beginning. Maybe in the future, I'll pick from different sections. But this seems as good as any other...

Conflict: Identifying when an 'issue' must be addressed right then.

Whoo boy!! This is a biggie, eh?

Bringing an "issue" to Syr's attention. Right away. Versus ... well.. anything BUT right away. This is something i'm not sure I've made any progress on - or even an issue that's been on my radar for a long time, but it IS relevant to some recent not-so-hot moments I've had recently.

Something happens that ... annoys me or feels somehow unfair... and I have the very bad habit of wanting to mention it RIGHT THAT SECOND, sometimes (often?) bringing an entire conversation to a screeching halt to do it.

Which - hardly screams "respect".

Ages ago, years maybe, Syr pointed out that not every issue or perceived slight needs to be addressed right that moment - but that doesn't mean it need NEVER be addressed. It just means sometimes it's about timing, and also about taking that step back to figure out what is important and what isn't - what things are urgent enough to be addressed on the spot and which things could be reserved for another time.... or which things maybe don't need to be addressed at all.

I tend to react in the moment without taking time to think. This is definitely something that I find to RARELY be helpful or productive.

I really want to get better at this... at taking that step back. This is an area where I feel like I have a TON of room to grow.



GROWTH IN SERVICE:
Conflict Checklist
Identifying when an 'issue' must be addressed right then.
 Allowing for normal human emotion
 Grumpy vs. angry, indirect vs. passive aggressive
 Aim for at least a 60/40 split with Listening vs. Talking
 How “mentally preparing” for next point interferes with listening
 Explaining reasoning does not negate/erase feelings
 Ask, don’t tell Owner what Her feelings are
 Waiting for the answer after asking a question
 Not defending/countering
 Accepting the answer given as the only sane choice
 How not doing these things invalidates Owner’s feelings/emotions
 The Reminder: “Who Owns Who?”
 The purpose of the reminder, why was it necessary?
 Understanding the risk Owner is taking in doing the reminding
 Taking a moment to be grateful
 Pause and reflect on behaviour – in line with protocol?
 “Stop” – Respecting Owner’s boundaries/need for space
 Hearing & respecting the first time (always an order)
 Ego Removal
 Thinking / Understanding
 Trust
 Seeking reassurance – appropriate time and place
 Resolving conflict productively
 Assigning blame - why?
 “I’m sorry” versus processing / expressing remorse
 Trusting Owner to apply correction when required
 Post-conflict self-abuse (mental/verbal/physical) = lack of trust
 Wallowing/Dwelling

Service and Mindfulness
 Can one exist without the other?
 Ways to cultivate mindfulness
 Identify your intentions
 Continual removal of conflicting thoughts
 Service to Owner as service to self

Orders
 What qualifies as an order
 Who judges whether a request is important?
 Bargaining
 Recognition/Reward – want vs. need
 The positive effects of obedience

Being aware of Owner’s needs & desires
 Offering vs. Being asked
 Identifying, Understanding, & Banishing fear with trust
 Practice, Practice, Practice
 Avoidance & Anxiety
 Identify the block / inner objection
 Processing anxiety 
 What’s driving it
 Trusting
 Working within self-expectations
 Desired level of service vs Minimum level (keeping it realistic)
 Trusting Owner to decide what is/is not an acceptable level of service
 Identify the pleasure - Service to Owner as service to self

Eye contact
 Keeping focus when receiving direction
 Maintaining focus when responding
 Looking at vs. looking through

Corrections
 Hearing the correction
 Understanding the correction
 Ego removal
 Responding and offering gratitude for the Correction

Expressing Gratitude
 What the hell for?
 Understanding the service your Top provides
 You probably need it – even if you disagree.

Spiritual self-work
 Neuro-Elasticity vs. Samskaras
 The joy of sticking with it
 
Processing “negative” emotions
 Identifying uncomfortable emotions
 Examining the root – why is it so uncomfortable?
 What is the fear - what’s the worst that could happen?
 What to do with these emotions
 Is it necessary to express verbally?
 Productive ways to do so
 Identifying coping mechanisms / Ways to process productively

The discipline of focus
 Visualize goal
 Removing distraction
 Motivating self through reflecting on success

Learning to follow
 Being patient
 Micro-management
 Identifying what the fear is
 Remembering to trust
 Being flexible and open minded as service
 Being comfortable without a plan / Spontaneity
 Creating false objections to stay in ‘safe zone’
 Letting go and letting Owner be in charge
 Indecision
 Identifying when struggle for control is the root
 Asking for help when needed
 Respect

Identifying Milestones
 Identifying smaller achievements
 Remembering smaller achievements
 Rewarding smaller achievements (bidirectionally)

Protocol
 All Settings
 Mindfulness of Tone / Voice
 LISTENING: Learning to unfilter verbal information
 Identifying the filter
 Acknowledging the obstacle
 Listening to precise language
 SPEAKING: Learning to unfilter verbal information
 Identifying the filter / desire to spin
 Acknowledging the obstacle
 Speaking precisely
 Remaining open to response
 Integrating mindfulness
 Answering Questions
 Giving a straightforward answer
 Avoidance and defensiveness
 Answering a question with a question
 Interactions with others
 Vanilla settings
 Addressing Owner
 Tone used with terms of endearment, use of first name
 Walking / Travelling
 Food & Beverage
 Dining out
 Family Leisure time
 Public – kinky/private settings
 Addressing Owner – Syr, Daddy, my Owner
 Expectation removal
 Verbalizing desires
 Desire vs Need
 Accepting answers/responses – with trust
 Food & Beverage Service
 Playtime
 Providing sensual service
 Verbalizing headspace/mood
 Removal of intensity / impulse to drive a scenario
 Providing feedback
 How expectation removal allows for full immersion in scene
 Aftercare