Monday, October 05, 2015

A check in and a bit of a self evaluation

It’s been way, way too long since I last did a devotional. So I’m going to do that next.

First I wanted to just write about how things have been going, or how – at least – I think they’ve been going and how I’m doing from a service perspective.

When it comes to day to day interactions, I’m feeling stronger and healthier in many ways than ever before.  I feel like in a more general way, I LISTEN way better than I ever used to. And I’m TRUSTING better… especially when it comes to taking things at face value.  And when I screw up and get called on it, I’m WAY slower to automatically defend myself and I tend to take corrections better and not freak out. It’s not to say I’m a perfect angel or anything, but I definitely feel like I’m better at hearing that I’ve screwed up without having to turn it into a huge drama.

There have also been some examples even in the last few days of moments when we disagree and I can see that annoys Her, but She also communicates either by saying “okay” or some other verbal that she’s letting it go. In the past, I couldn’t stop when that happened. As if I needed to convince Her to see it my way before I could move on. I have been trying really hard to knock that non-productive crap off and have been mostly succeeding. Sometimes I START and she reminds me that it needs to stop… and I do… and the day moves on without lingering weirdness.

In fact, this came up yesterday with a discussion about possibly moving the couch… It was the second time it had come up as an option and both times She’d brought it up as an idea and asked my feedback I’d offered resistance to the idea. The first time, She was clearly annoyed but she said okay there’s no point in discussing it then… or something. Instead of defending myself or trying to convince her of my reasoning, I just accepted that she was allowed to be annoyed but also noticed she let it go and so I did, too. Yay. Day moved on. Then yesterday it came up again…. And same thing (basically) happened. I STARTED to do the “but here’s all the reasons I’m right” thing and she reminded me that was non-productive… so I stopped. I just was triggered because I could see she was annoyed or whatever. Later on that afternoon, I brought it up and we were able to clarify with each other and it was very healthy stuff.. which I know wouldn’t have happened if I had turned it into an unnecessary battle earlier.

So I feel like there has been some noticeable progress, particularly in the realm of listening and moving on and not turning things into a drama. There were also a few setbacks in recent weeks but I feel like each time it was over quicker and quicker as I’m seeing her point of view earlier and earlier these days.

I still need to pay attention and work on … well, paying attention. In particular, I’m really trying to work harder at enjoying quality interactions with Syr and not letting myself get distracted all the time. It’s a bad habit and I know I miss out on quality when I do that.

For example, I noticed that when I am driving, Syr never plays on her phone. Now, partly that’s because She isn’t comfy doing that and driving. But on the other hand, I noticed that I really enjoy having Her undivided attention when I’m driving. BUT when She drives, I relax and can get distracted or sorta check out… more often than not. And I want to work on not doing that as much. Sometimes, when tired or burnt out, sure….. that makes a bit of sense and if Syr doesn’t seem to mind. But I also want Syr to get MY undivided attention while She’s driving too…. So that is something I’m trying to be more aware of.

I think that ever since she gave me the massage, I’ve been WAY more aware, in general, of when I get her undivided attention vs when she gets mine and realizing this is a weak point and trying to be more aware of it at all times, and not just at particular times and I think that’s really good for both of us.

I think that, possibly, another reason for my mentality shift, is that I am not home day to day to get so lost in the domestic service side of things. Quite the opposite, lately…. Syr is home all the time now (and that will likely be the case for a little while). So I generally have very few household chores/duties. And I suppose in a way that’s made me focus more on the non-tangible service things more than I was before.

This has led me to wonder if I have sometimes used the things I do domestically for service to give me ‘permission’ if you will to slack in other areas. Or maybe, I was just too busy patting myself on the back for the tangible things that I got lazy about the less tangible things. I’m not sure. But I do feel like I’m being way more mindful these days.

And you know… maybe it all just relates back to moving out of a very stressful time with the business and with finally having other things done and decisions made that were dangling. Either way, I’m trying to STAY mindful.

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Daddy says...

...that if I have time to play with my makeup, then I have time to write an entry. #Touche.

So anyway...  things have felt much more grounded lately and I feel like we're transitioning pretty smoothly into our new normal.

The new normal I'm referring to has to do with lifestyle changes day to day as a result of some financial changes. So far, so good.

Things feel comfortably low-key, and I feel like we've really found our groove of late.

Last week, She gave me the most wonderful massage. She focused on my upper back and shoulders, then chest but probably spent most of the time on my face and it was wonderful... truly.

One important thing I learned from that experience was how much more intimate something like that feels when the attention is totally on you. I realized what a huge difference it makes to receive that kind of attention without any outside distractions. I often will have the tv on while I give Syr a manicure or what have you. So.... a couple days later, I gave Syr a quick mani, a hand massage, a foot massage, and did a similar massage that she'd done for me after that... with candles and music. It was SO much more intimate and connected than when I'm distracted. Not only did She clearly enjoy it more - but I did too. It's not that Syr hadn't commented on it in the past, it's just that I had never really understood the enormity of the differences. Till then. Lesson learned!!

I will be way more aware of this in the future. Will there be times I still offer services while distracted? Real life. Probably. Will I be FAR more aware, now, that it's not nearly the same quality of service I offer when I'm NOT being distracted and make sure that I offer those services as well? Hell yeah.

Always learning. Always growing.

Thursday, September 10, 2015

The heart of my slavery

As my mind wandered today at lunch, I found myself thinking about how I personally define slavery. It was one of those wandering thoughts sort of moments, so it was sort of like being in a 'thought bubble' where words popped into mind..... and the words that came to mind first were...



and surrender.

I started thinking about what those things mean to me. Devotion is simple, at least for me. It's either there, or it isn't. And with my Owner, it's there - and plenty of it. 

This morning, while I was listening to the radio, a song came on about doing anything for the one you love. And it occurred to me, in that moment, that for my Owner, I really would. Like really and truly. 

Maybe that seems like a no brainer, but until that moment, the reality of that had never really hit me. But it did this morning. I really would do anything for Her. Anything. Sometimes I have to really WORK at doing things that I need to do to improve for Her. But that devotion I feel right down to my tippy toes? That is the driving force.

Yes, I love my Owner with all my heart. But it's devotion that gives me the drive to never give up, to try harder.... to do more. To put in the effort. Every day.

Loyalty.... I got thinking about this one too.

I may not like confrontation - but I stand by my Owner. And no one better try to mess with Her. Period.

Surrender, ah that's the one that sounds the sweetest, but - in reality - is the absolute hardest.

When I succeed, it's magic. Actual magic. Powerful. Sizzling. Soft. Overwhelming. Complete.

But it isn't easy. It is about more than just softening when Syr presses me against the wall. It's about more than jumping up right away to fetch Her tea when She asks for it.

It's about softening when my instincts (and my difficult past) want me to fight. It's about letting go of control when I want to hold onto it the most. It's about trusting that even when I feel insecure, I can know that I'm safe and held and that She's in the driver's seat and everything will be okay. It's about shutting up when I want to yell and listening when I want to talk. 

So yes... surrender.

Surrender...devotion... loyalty... and of course love - all of these are at the heart of my slavery.

Saturday, August 15, 2015

Devotional update

So, I was in the process of writing an entry and discovered a new distraction-free writing utility for my laptop when I accidentally lost the whole entry. Oops.

Anyway - see, I REALLY love distraction-free writing. Full screen. Dark screen. White text. Nothing but me and the words. It helps me feel more focused. It feels more meditative.

Speaking of which, about that entry.

Here's what it boils down to:

I had told myself that I could ONLY do my devotional daily writing by hand - because typing would be cheating.

And then I realized that it was old programming that was telling me that.

Back in the day I was a mega brat. I mean, I still have my moments but my submission is much deeper and pro-active and, well, active in general - than it used to be. And back in my uber-brat days, if a Dominant assigned me a bunch of lines and told me I could type them .. well...

5 minutes of cntrl+v later, my lines would be done. Voila. ;)

Now, back then, the were line-writing apps like FOW (Fond Of Writing - which I think is still around if you look hard enough), and there were sneaky Dom tricks like when Syr first rose to the challenge and had me type out a ton of lines but do stupid things like make every other letter of every word a capital, or different colours or whatever. And even WITH every shortcut I know, it still took FOREVER.

Anyway, the point is - that typing felt like "cheating".

But I started really thinking about the fact that I totally came up with this whole devotional idea in the first place. So why would I cheat? It's not a punishment. It's a meditative/mindfulness tool to help me deepen my submission and work on the issues I know I need to work on. So it serves no benefit to me or anyone else for me to "cheat" or copy/paste.

So, today, I decided to give it a try. Since I type so fast, I decided it was fair to type the Respect mantra 6 times and each action statement 10 times.

And WOW am I glad I tried it.

For starters, it felt WAY more meditative. The rhythm of the typing. The way my fingers could move over the words while I THOUGHT about them (since I don't hand-write much, I was focusing more on the actual act of writing before) and the sound of the keys clicking and the sight of the words neatly lining up on the screen - all of it enhanced the experience and I felt it down deep.

Now that's what I'm talking about!!! :)

It felt good. But, more importantly, it felt effective. And it still amounted to almost 1200 words and took me around 30 minutes - and that time was focused.

So I think I'm pretty happy with that.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Note to self

Sometimes bratting results in your Owner snickering and going about Her day.

But SOMETIMES bratting can result in a lesson delivered....

Such as the one you received today.

While kneeling in the presenting position....

Forehead to the floor.

Her foot on the back of your head.

While She gleefully sprays your entire back down with water from the spray attachment in the kitchen sink.

And leaves you there, forehead down, kneeling in a presentation bow in the middle of a puddle of very cold water asking...

"Who owns you?"

and then... most irritatingly...

"Who loves you?"

And when asked these questions, while you shiver from cold, you will answer (eventually)...

"You do, Syr."

And after all that, once you've gotten up and dried off and changed your clothes, you'll mop the floor with your lesson-water.

And you'll still like it on some level.

Cuz you are a twisted little slavegirl.

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Celebrating a moment of doing well

On the way home from the dog park, Syr stops at McDonalds to get us some Iced Coffees (cuz dollar drink days, yo!). Yummy.

When we get the bag, I noticed she's purchased not one but two greasy, salty beef patties for our little doggies.

"You got them one patty each? That's a lot of grease!" I said disapprovingly. (passive-aggressive much?)

Exasperated sigh from Syr, "Then don't give them to them."

Me: Shutting up. Thinking. Considering what just happened and figuring a few things out...

1. I was being critical (read: nagging!) and passive aggressive with my comment. A more productive and direct comment might be - "I'm not sure I want to give this to them all at once. Is it okay if I split one between them now and give the other one to them later - or tomorrow?"

2. I could take Syr's exasperated comment at face value. In other words, if I objected to giving the patties to the dogs, I could just ... not.

So I took the time to think through all of this. Recognized that Syr had a right to feel exasperated in that moment based on the way I went about expressing my disapproval, and realized that since the dogs had just been running around - and since one of our spoiled pups runs normal to thin and the other heavy - that I felt okay giving it to them, but I just divided the patties much more unfairly. So that's what I did.

But I knew I COULD have given them less, or saved one for later, etc so I realized I felt fine about that.

Know what I didn't do? I didn't keep running my mouth, try to explain to Syr why I felt the grease was a problem, didn't go on and on.... didn't get annoyed with or question Syr for being exasperated.... I just ... took things at face value and then everything proceeded quite healthily from there.

I recognize that, to some, this is super uneventful and simple stuff. But for me, I'm still learning and working at basics like this so it felt like a big win. :) 

And I do have to say that I think the devotional writing exercise is helping. I did reduce the number of repetitions from 10 to 5 on the action statements. It still feels like it takes a good amount of time (if the cramp in my writing hand is any indication) and I feel the words sinking in. I do think the repetition is important for me to have the time to reflect but 5 seems sufficient whereas 10 felt excessive.

I do think it helps to remind myself not only of what the things are that I'm working on but WHY I'm working on them... and so writing down WHY I respect my Owner is as important as (or even more than) the fact that I DO respect my Owner.

Tuesday, August 04, 2015





Whatever I want to call it, that's what I'm about to create for myself.

See I fucked up yesterday. And since fucking up isn't allowed, it's like I broke a big ass rule.

And there were consequences. Ouchy ones - and not the physical kind.

Then, today, I stumbled across this quote:
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." -C.G. Jung


See, our dynamic is all about responsibility. I come from a traumatic, dysfunctional and abusive past. And the remnants of that past that show up in my behaviors, we call "fleas". Dysfunctional little clingy buggers that rear their ugly heads usually during times of stress and/or conflict. And they cause some big ol' drama... PARTICULARLY because said fleas are embedded and unconscious behaviors. But as Syr always says - they may not be my fault, but they are my problem. 

And yesterday they were her problem - er as in they affected her.

I did some Her Eyes Only writing on this yesterday, but I'm still reflecting today and realize that if I truly want to make the unconscious conscious... then part of what I need to do is make sure these behaviors are front of mind and that I'm making deliberate choices in the moments that matter most - so that I can have more perceived control over my own actions.

All of which is to say that since writing is one of my most effective methods of dealing with my shit, and since writing is a requirement anyway, and since I thrive on ritual and routine, why couldn't I create my own devotional process around the behaviors I want to change - bringing them to the forefront of my mind every day.

And I realized it needed to start with me - and continue with me. I don't need (though I may sometimes want...) Syr to assign me things like this. I know what needs to be done to make our life better, our relationship stronger - so why don't I just fucking do it already? ;) 

So it started with something Syr said yesterday and has said before.... sometimes She doesn't feel like I respect Her. Now this comes about because my fleas sometimes 'win over' (translation: i let them take over) and I end up treating Her in ways not in line with how I actually FEEL about Her. In other words, I DO respect Her... so much. But I sometimes suck at showing it. 

So I began with this.. the definition of respect: 

Re-spect / re'spekt (verb) - to admire someone deeply as a result of their abilities, qualities or achievements.

And so I wrote down the things about Syr that make Her so worthy of my respect. And then I developed a mantra based on the list of qualities I had made.

"I respect my Owner because She is patient, strong, kind, understanding, supportive, intuitive, loving, affectionate, intelligent, honest, trustworthy and knows me better than I know myself."

And then I came up with a list of commitments based on previous reminders to self and issues I know I need to work on:

Each commitment begins with these words
"I will treat my Owner with the respect she has earned by actively doing the following:"

  • I will respond to difficult moments by listening instead of controlling or 'fixing'.
  • I will communicate calmly, clearly, and directly.
  • I will answer questions honestly and without hesitation or redirection.
  • I will not argue. If I feel "right", I will think about it and then write my thoughts down.
  • I will NEVER deny my behavior when Syr points out that I am either arguing or not listening.
  • I will proactively offer personal services that Syr finds enjoyable.
  • I will abstain from picking and chewing
  • I will trust her motives and intentions are always in my best interest. Always.
So a great deal of thought went into each of these statements. I wanted them to be clear and speak to some of my most tenacious fleas.

The BIGGEST issues I have revolve around my inability to listen when a situation is tense or intense in some way.

Essentially, I have recognized that there is a HUGE difference between actively listening and thoughtfully responding and jumping into "fix it mode" (the latter being a huge flea from my childhood). Fix it mode is all about "say anything ANYTHING so that this unpleasantness goes away", which also means it's also not always honest (with myself or others) and is more about 'damage control' (key word - control). What I realize is when I'm in fix it mode, I am more likely to 'say what i think she wants to hear' instead of being really aware and mindful and saying what I really think/feel/mean... and this always - ALWAYS leads to problems. For obvious reasons.

I have also recognized that when I'm listening and thoughtfully responding, I am being (overall) more honest, more mindful, and am way less likely to let a flea take over/take control in that moment.

I've also discovered that, to date, Syr has NEVER EVER turned out to be wrong when She's accused me of either a: arguing/fighting, b: not listening or c: trying to control a situation. Not once has she been wrong. I always see it after the fact.

So, it behooves me to learn how to shut the fuck up when she points out any of these things and remember that she's right. Even if I don't see it in that moment, I'm going to very soon and then I'm going to feel like an idiot and be ashamed of myself for days for my misbehavior and Syr's going to get hurt and it's just gonna be all around really really bad so. yeah.

I've discovered that there are three major "cues" for me to shut up (STFU/Shut The Fuck Up) when a moment gets tense.

Cue #1: Syr says, "You're not listening."
My Pattern: "Yes I am! And here's why/how/etc". Note that this response negates/defends and invalidates Syr's feelings. Yuck.
Appropriate Response: "Sorry, Syr. Please continue." and then STFU.

Cue #2: Syr says, "I'm not going to argue/fight about this."
My Pattern: "But I'm not fighting/arguing.... and here's how/why/etc." Note again that this response negates/defends and disrespects Syr's wishes/boundaries.
Appropriate Response: "Okay. I'm sorry, Syr." and then STFU (note: if I'm still feeling like 'arguing' at this point or still feel there's a misunderstanding, miscommunication or anything else I need to "clear up" then my job is to sit the fuck down and write about it - not continue with the verbal battering ram. 

Cue #3: Syr says, "I'm not doing this."
This is pretty much EXACTLY the same thing as Cue #2 so basically... see above.

ALL of this went into coming up with the respect mantra and commitments. 

I also know enough about how my brain seems to respond to words on paper and repetition and focus without distraction. So, I've decided to try writing these things out daily in a notebook for a while as a daily devotional/ritual to set my mind/focus on the right track each day.

I don't know if this will help/resonate but it feels like a useful thing to do and so I will try it and see if it helps. Here's what I intend to write.

Respect Mantra - 3 times.
Followed by each Commitment - 10 times.

And yes, that means 83 lines, every day. And maybe that's too much. I'm not sure. It's not a self-assigned punishment. It's about mindfulness. If 10 turns out to be too much, I'll pare it back to 5. But I think it's important to write them out by hand. And I think it's important to do it regularly. And I think that if I can, in this way, start to bring these commitments to the front of my mind every day that I can really start to make the unconscious, conscious. 

That's the purpose.