Tuesday, November 25, 2014

A little about Our story...

I was updating my Fetlife profile and ended up writing this. So I thought I would share it here...

My Owner collared me in January of 2006. She proposed that same week. But, the truth is, I belonged to Her even before then. The collar and the ring made it official.

I feel like I've known my Owner forever.

It never ceases to amaze me how She can understand why I'm doing something even before I do.

I am so grateful for Her gentle and loving leadership, patience, tenacity, understanding and care, especially in the ways She has worked hard to support me and help me heal from many years of family dysfunction and trauma. It's a journey and takes a lot of work and effort - but it is never a journey I walk alone, thanks to Her.

Our power-exchange dynamic has evolved many times since it first began. The reality of raising children together and our more recent reality of being empty nesters along with a slurry of family drama, work and financial drama, and many other factors cause necessary ebbs and flows in the realities of what our day to day looks like.

I have temporarily lost the right to wear Her collar during more than one of these hard times. Each time, I earned it back. However, more recently, I came close to losing it (but thankfully not Her) permanently. Syr will give up our dynamic before She gives up on our marriage. And if one has to go to save the other, go it will.

That was a difficult time and an incredible opportunity for growth and learning for me. I had lost sight of what mattered. I had become so focused on myself and my needs that I forgot, almost entirely, about Hers.

Thankfully, we had an opportunity for a real heart to heart talk right at that turning point - and thankfully in that moment, I truly listened and heard what She had to say. Had I not seen it for the wake up call it was, a lot would be different now. And so I am grateful, very grateful, to be sharing this life with Her because it is never simple, it is never easy, and being Hers demands that I hold myself to a very high standard. And so I continue to be incredibly committed to putting in the work - the work to be better, more mindful, more aware.

Syr often says that my abusive/dysfunctional/childhood past is not my fault - but it is my problem.

That sums it up. No matter the reason for the issues I struggle with, it is my "problem" - or, in other words, my responsibility to face what I need to face and to put in the work where it's needed to overcome what I can.

No matter what else happens, Syr has one primary requirement of me - and this requirement forms the foundation of not only our power exchange dynamic, but also of our marriage. And in this one singular requirement, I must never - ever fail:

**Never stop trying. Never stop making an effort.**

I'm going to screw up. Sometimes, I'm going to screw up badly. But the moment I turn to Her and say "Sorry, that's just how it is/i am. Too bad." is the moment that everything would unravel for us. Does this mean I have carte blanche to treat Her badly? No. But it does mean that She has an innate understanding of the nuances of a relationship like ours - not just the BDSM aspects of it, but the all-in commitment we have to one another.

She inspires me to be the best person I can be. Part of my motivation for that is that there is no better feeling in this world than Her pride in me. Part of my motivation is that I hope to be the wife, babygirl, partner, and slave that She deserves.

We talk about submission as a gift. And yes, it is. To give ones self over to someone else so completely is an act of trust. But loving Dominance and Mastery and Ownership and Daddyship(?) are also gifts. To own another, to take on that level of responsibility also requires a lot of work, a lot of commitment, a hell of a lot of patience and a lot of self-awareness.

I trust my Owner explicitly. I trust Her to ALWAYS act in my best interest - to always give me what I need, even if it's not what I want, and to keep me safe physically and emotionally.

But sometimes I fail in trusting. Sometimes trust is crazy hard. When we had our BIG TALK, the one where we had to decide the direction our relationship was going... I had to admit that sometimes I don't trust Her. Sometimes, that trust is a struggle for me. Sometimes my behavior belies a lack of trust. Sometimes fear and my past get in the way of trust.

And then we come full circle - because Syr has earned my trust - without question. And She is the first person to ever earn the level of trust I have in Her - but I still have further to go in the trust department. Trust issues arise for me for very valid reasons (again, abusive/dysfunctional childhood and past relationships play a very big role here).

So these trust issues may not be my fault. But they are my problem. And so I do my best to stay mindful. To be humble. To learn. To never fool myself into believing I have it all figured out. Because I don't. No one does.

We are all beautiful, human, works in progress. I am committed to the big work of being better. And grateful to have an Owner who not only supports this work - but demands it.

I couldn't imagine it being any other way.

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Reflecting...

I've been reflecting the last couple of days about the D/s, Owner/slave dynamic between my Owner and I...

I don't know exactly what brought it to the forefront, but I have found myself going to some deeper places inside myself that I've not really gone in a long time.

I'm not sure if that makes sense.... but I think that our recent new status as empty nesters has stirred up some old feelings that, for many practical reasons, got shoved to the back.

I don't know what to call it. Back in the days of more formal communities online, I probably would have called it my slave heart. But that feels almost silly to say now. Maybe because I've grown up. Maybe because I see my Owner and my dynamic as a more organic, always-evolving thing now rather than something confined to specific labels or categories, though we are undeniably Owner/slave, that term doesn't resonate with me the way it used to, perhaps because I don't see things in the compartmentalized way that I used to.

That being said, I find myself looking closely at myself and my behavior through this deeper-service-slavey filter and realizing that in a lot of ways I've been falling down on the job for a long long time.

On the flip side, though, I see so many ways I have grown and evolved and matured and become self-maintaining (for lack of a better way to express that). So it's not like I'm sitting here berating myself or feeling guilty, necessarily.

I just see room for improvement... room for more gratitude and awareness and mindfulness. More room for making life easier for my Owner. But especially, more room for remembering my place all the time and not when things are easier.

I had really noticed when one of the man-kids was staying with us a couple days that my energy and attitude shifted noticeably when he was home, it really gave me pause to notice how not having privacy affected how I viewed myself within the context of our relationship and dynamic and I didn't like that.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

New rituals

Syr implemented a new rule/ritual.

Within 10 minutes of either Her coming returning home or me returning home or (I should assume) upon waking if neither of us are going anywhere that day - I am to present myself, kneeling, bowing with my forehead on the floor.

"Who owns you?" She asks me.

"You do, Syr." I respond.

"Forever." She confirms.

"Yes, Syr." I reply.

It's a new rule. A new ritual. It's still something we're getting used to implementing. But I like it.... I like the way it feels.

Today, She put Her foot on the back of my neck.

And I could feel myself melting.

Friday, November 14, 2014

Packing. And I don't mean for a trip...

So, Syr has new(ish) jeans. And She wears them to work pretty regularly. I couldn't be happier that She's wearing jeans. And Her belt. Regularly. Because I think that's hot.

Sidenote: This morning while Syr was putting on Her belt, we were talking when suddenly She said She better stop and wait to finish because I won't hear anything until Her belt is on. I didn't hear Her when She said that. But when I tried to start talking, I drooled a little. True story.

Anyway, these new jeans are not quite so skin-tight as Her previous pair. Which leaves room for, well....

Her cock.

So, the other night, we were having a quiet night in, playing video games together, enjoying some couch time. And I went out to walk the dogs. When I came back in, we played games for another hour or so before She finally made a comment that brought my attention to the fact that A: She'd changed into jeans at some point from her usual comfy at-home pants and B: She was packing Ripper, our favourite of Her cocks. *blinkblink*

It was pretty hot, I'm not gonna lie. It wasn't very long after that, that Syr had me naked, Her jeans still on, and was fucking me six ways from Sunday.

That night ended in screaming orgasms, a lot of tears (of the releasey-awesome variety) and a very, very satiated slave-girl.

It was a good night. ;)

Friday, November 07, 2014

Syr's Belt

It's a simple moment.

Syr comes home from work. She wore the pants that She pairs with a belt.

I stare. At the buckle. At the belt. She follows my gaze, knowingly.

Syr unbuckles Her belt and slides it off.

That sound..... *shiver*

I turn around, brace my hands on the kitchen counter, sassily sticking my ass out behind me.

Syr obliges me.... looping Her belt in Her hand... placing a hand at the base of my neck to hold me in place... and delivers several hard smacks to the curve where my ass meets the top of my thighs... and then to my shoulders.

My knees tremble, threatening to buckle.

She stops with a chuckle.

I turn around, plant a kiss on Her neck.

"Thank You, Syr."

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Service Mode

It feels "easy" to be in service mode (so far) in the new place. I don't know if it's the change of scenery, the fact that our new place is so nice, the fact that we have less stuff, the fact that everything's so organized and neat, or just our new start in a place all our own with all the privacy in the world. Whatever it is that's making this feel effortless and natural - I like it! I'm thinking Syr likes it too.

Saturday, October 04, 2014

Awww.

Not feeling well...

So Daddy is giving me orange juice and making me homemade chicken noodle soup.

And She danced with me. In the living room. With no music.

So thankful for my life.

Feeling treasured and special and nurtured and warm and fuzzy and stuff.