New Years Eve

In these last hours of 2009, I find myself reflecting upon my recent journeying. It isn't just this last year that is swirling around in my head but the last several.

It feels really amazing to look back and remember where I was and to feel so rooted in where I am now at the same time. The two seem so far apart. I spent so long being so lost. I looked for love in one place, romance in another (or not at all), family in another, passion in another, and submission/kink in yet another. No wonder I was so confused!

I just didn't realize that it was possible (and how greedy can one person be, anyway?) to find family, love, passion, romance, and the sweetest of surrenders in one place. But my Owner changed all of that.

With Her I have found the deepest trust I have ever experienced, the most complete and all-encompassing love, the most exciting passion that keeps me guessing all the time, the sweetest and most sincere romance, and the fullest and most complete surrender and submission.

She opens me up and peers into the darkest corners of my spirit and handles what She finds there with expert ease and tenderness. I am never unsafe with Her. I am often frightened - of losing Her or us, or of making too many mistakes or of driving Her away or of not being good enough and She reminds me that those sort of fears are normal - though unwarranted. And the thing is, with Her - I can believe that. I never could with anyone else I ever trusted with my heart because 'they' always failed to keep that promise.

My vow to my Wife and Hers to me were "forever" - and we bound ourselves to one another in this life and all lives to come, both being believers of reincarnation and our connection with each other. And the thing is, I believe this. I don't think I could if it wasn't the real deal.

The most amazing thing to me is all that I have learned so far, on this journey with Her. It has been 3 years (and then some) of marriage and I am so much more evolved and healthy as a person now then I was on our wedding day.

It's so funny - how giving up control and power and surrendering yourself to Another in trust and submission can make you stronger. But it does.

Well - it has for me, anyway.

Goodbye, 2009.

Hello, 2010. We have work to do.

Expectations

An interesting interaction between my Owner and I prompted this assignment...

I had been thinking about something naughty and hinting at this fact to Syr. Usually if She realizes that I am thinking about something 'interesting', She would prompt me to tell Her all about it, often times exerting at least a bit of Her authority to do so. What I wasn't actively thinking about was that I had actually painted a mental picture of how She would respond to my naughty reminiscing.

And while She responded with interest to the fact that I was thinking about something naughty, She did not respond in the precise way I had imagined (read: expected) that She would and I foolishly let my disappointment show.

Syr called me on it in a flash. I'd laid the ground work to 'get' a particular reaction. That could be called manipulation, micro-management, or setting Her up. There was no malicious intent, but I do adore the feeling of being 'made' to admit what is on my mind. I was just in the mood for that sort of interaction and so in a way I was trying to make it happen.

In doing this, I managed to trap my Owner in a rock/hard place situation. She could either cave and do what I was setting Her up to do - or She could not and then She deals with my disappointment or hurt feelings. Unfair.

She handled it well. She called me on it and I employed that whole listening thing to hear Her point of view and all points were valid. I wanted something and, whether intentional or not, tried to "make" Syr give it to me. Hm. Counter-productive, much? I think so!

Lesson learned. Syr reminded me that I need to work harder at not being so invested in a particular (and very specific) outcome when I act. This is such a healthy reminder in all areas of my life. I like, to some degree, knowing what to expect - there is an element of control to that - and so I try to do things to make sure I know what to expect.

The interesting thing is, that I often have the most wonderful time, the most REAL experiences when I let go of that, trust and just open up to whatever is going to happen. That is where the magic happens - not in the planning but in the humanity of the experience.

Ahh, the unknown. It can be sexy too.

Growth in service: Listening vs. Talking

Growth in Service

Listening vs. Talking (aiming for a 60/40 split)

How "mentally preparing" for next point interferes with listening

Conversations, particularly ones with high emotions or anger involved used to be a battleground for me where my only ammunition was to get as much out as I possibly could in the very short time I was allowed to speak. This is past 'stuff' and, in its own way: ancient history.

And yet, it's - like so many things - programming.

Put me in a tense situation and my 'instinct' is to talk and not stop until I absolutely have to because, historically, I wouldn't get a chance again once I did. Once I was made to stop talking, it was over and I had 'lost' the battle.

This information is important to keep in mind when processing "listening". Because of the way I approached difficult conversations because of this programming, I would often spend the entire time (or at least a majority) someone else was speaking or telling me how they feel , preparing my 'case'. What was I going to say and how was I going to say it to have the greatest impact.

Maybe I should have been a lawyer.... *grin*

Seriously, though, it takes a very conscious effort for me to stop and really listen. That is why I want to try to keep in mind a goal to allow for at least a 60/40 split of listening/talking. I want to AIM to listen more than I talk. I don't succeed so often, but I'm working on it.

Like so many other things, this is becoming easier as my Owner tirelessly works with me on just this. She has a knack of showing just enough vulnerability to make it clear She is saying something important while not allowing me to try to control the situation. This has given me safe space for practicing my listening skills in these tense situations.

More and more I find that when I simultaneously stop talking AND stop planning what I need to say next, that I actually hear Her and something productive happens. It's the listening that is the magic 'cure' when there is a disagreement with someone I love. When I am caught up in doing the talking, I am convinced that if I say ... just the right thing... it will be over and there will be no more cause for a disagreement. But, that never works. The talking always seems to just make things more confusing or more complicated. It is the listening that gives me time and space to really think and to find a way through the confusion and it is almost always a clear path, well-lit with understanding and truth.

Amazing, that.

Growth in Service: Allowing for normal human emotions

The outline is not forgotten. Syr asked me to write on two topics tonight. I chose to go in order, because I feel I have something to say on the next topic on the list:

Growth in Service

Conflict

Checklist

Allowing for normal human emotions (angry vs. grumpy, etc)

I have a really hard time with "negative" emotions. Positive ones are simple, easy to process.

Joy, pride, love, desire are all emotions that make me feel good about myself and whatever interaction or experience I am having. Anger, frustration, sadness, hurt feelings, grumpiness, annoyance are all emotions that make me feel badly about myself and whatever I'm experiencing.

I think that, just in writing that short paragraph that I've learned something. I take everything personally. Someone may be angry or grumpy or sad and I almost immediately think that it is about me or because of me. Newsflash - not everything is about me. It seems like a simple idea/concept and yet it isn't. I'm prone to sensitivities. I take it onto myself to ensure the happiness and contentedness of the people I love when I am around them. And yet, it really isn't my responsibility to ensure that the people I love are happy at all times.

Within reason, it is reasonable for me to expect myself to see to my Owner's comforts and to make Her life easier where possible. That is service. But to take personal responsibility for every emotion that She feels is not service, nor is it something that She expects of me.

I think that this is likely the root of much of my panic when someone near to me is exhibiting an unpleasant emotion. The reality of life is that yes - sometimes I've irritated someone or done something to hurt someone's feelings. But I don't seem to know how to process it if that happens. It's a work in progress and... I feel as if I have been making progress, a lot of it.

This has been something I've been working on for a while now, under my Owner's instructions. Now, more than ever before I am better able to step back from a situation and recognize that not every unpleasant emotion is a big deal. I'm better able, now, to decipher between grumpy and angry. Before, those two seemed and felt the same. Sometimes, my Owner is grumpy because of something that has nothing to do with me and sometimes She is grumpy because of something I contributed to. But I don't automatically jump to the conclusion that She's angry at me. I still sometimes think along those lines but it isn't my first thought every time like it used to be.

An interesting byproduct of this is that I'm better able to put my own emotions in their proper place. I'm better able to tell when I'm just being grouchy or if I'm feeling an emotion that actually NEEDS to be dealt with by confronting someone or something.

Emotions aren't black and white but a thousand shades of grey. I'm learning more and more about this all the time. It makes me a better slave, a better wife, a better friend... but most of all, a better me.

Sad day

Today just feels like a sad day.

When I got up this morning I tried to ground myself in service by cleaning the kitchen, unloading and reloading the dishwasher and hand-scrubbing some pots. When Daddy got up, I made Her coffee and then curled up and didn't do much else for the rest of the day.

Daddy knows today is hard and when I took Her to work, I asked if there was anything I should do. She told me to take a long bubble bath so I'm going to do that after posting this.

Hoping tomorrow is better!

Massage and Tears

I gave my Owner a massage tonight, working my hands deep into the knots on Her back and shoulders where She holds all of Her tension.

We were watching a movie at the time, which had some sad bits. The sad bits combined with the meditativeness of working on Her muscles loosed something and I had what feels like my first 'productive' cry over the loss of my dear friend.

Not just a sad, helpless crying - but a deep wrenching sobbing. Sounds depressing - but that was a different kind of cry that I really needed, and was followed by some talking and processing and more tears - but there is movement. I feel a bit less locked up, though still really hurting.

My Owner held me and let me cry and be sad and also helped talk to me and one thing stood out to me, for some reason - the way that She kept Her eyes locked on mine. She sat in front of me and I could feel Her eyes staying solidly on me, and I felt safe and held by Her gaze.

I am loved.

Simple Service

Sometimes, service is simple.

It's a holiday and things don't go quite the same when there are so many different things swirling all around us. But, still, there is something to said for quietly assisting my Owner with the turkey or making Her coffee in the morinng - even today. There is something to be said for taking a moment away from what is going on my own head to offer something up and to be mindful of Her needs.

Today has been difficult since the excitement and distraction of presents and stockings as I deal with the pain of loss, but even here, within this - there is service. I think today I have been acutely aware of how much those little things can matter, particularly when I'd really rather just be curled up in a corner paying attention to no one but myself while I process.

It really is about staying grounded, staying sane, and not losing sight of the important things because my heart hurts.

My Owner has been gentle and supportive and understanding of me being wherever I need to be - and I love Her so much.

Wrecked...

I got some really bad news yesterday - the loss of someone very dear to me. I am not myself, but in some way I find enormous comfort in my submission. I fear that I am at risk of becoming so overwhelmed by emotions that I just don't do anything. Doing some chores and keeping up the expectations my Owner has of me during my time off of work will be a healthy outlet I think.

One of these expectations is to update this blog daily. I missed yesterday but had begun a post which I will finish - see below...

----

My Owner has been a ravenous beast the last few days, and I am certainly not complaining! Sunday night... well... you've already read about Sunday night!

As it just so happens, my beloved Owner really... REALLY liked reading about the events of Sunday night! She was in a Mood when I got home and ordered me upstairs where She proceeded to ravish me again!

She proceeded to use me quite thoroughly again on Tuesday night....

And Wednesday afternoon, it all culminated in an afternoon romp whereupon She stripped me bare, filled me with the Nexus plug in my ass, the Smartballs in my cunt and the Layaspot vibe against my clit and layed me, face down, on the bed where She gave me the most mindblowing spanking and caning of my life. Filled like that, I was simply immobilized. I couldn't squirm (well, I could but it was pretty overwhelming when I tried, so I didn't). And when She ordered it, as She spanked me ever harder, I came - my whole body exploding as She paddled my ass so hard with Her bare hands.

Four solid days of hot, hot sex and I am a very contented slave, in that way, with the marks to prove it.

And, my Owner? She is a 'tudmuffin!

Good Girl/Bad Girl

Daddy started a system of discipline for me not very long ago and the system came with a couple of basic rules.

I'm not allowed to chew or pick at my fingernails/cuticles/lip (bad nervous habit) nor am I allowed to swear or use bad gestures.

The system is two jars. I start the week with one filled with 600 pennies or $6.00, symbolically. Throughout the week, every time I break one of the rules or other arbitrary ones (poor attitude, pouting inappropriately, etc), Daddy tells me to take out however many pennies that She decides that particular transgression should cost me out of the Good Girl Jar and move them over to the Bad Girl Jar.

My good girl jar is covered in little fairy stickers and my bad girl jar has silly monster stickers on it. Then, at the end of the week, I have however much money as I do pennies in the good girl jar that I can spend on silly things just for me. I like that I always start out the week with my Good Girl Jar full!

I use my good girl money for things like apps for my ipod touch or treats or other things. It works really well and has started to work even when i'm not around Daddy. I swear a lot less now, even my friends have noticed!

Most especially, it is nice to have a way to have consistent discipline even when we're not alone. The teenagers think it's funny and having 'swear jars' is something they know other adults have done so it doesn't strike them oddly and this way Daddy can 'punish' me for bad behaviour anytime without needing to wait for when we are alone. The jars are clear so I can see how well I'm doing that week by how full the good girl (or conversely, bad girl) jar is.

I'm really grateful for this system because it makes me feel very loved and cared for to have a consistent discipline system in my life. I'm very goal-oriented and also really find beauty in punishment.

Thank You, Daddy!

Body, Mind, Heart, and Soul

My Owner was going out to do some Christmas shopping but before She left, She gave me my orders. "Every hour, on the hour, you are to play for five minutes - but you may not cum. You may not cheat, you must play like you MEAN it." I looked up at Her, pouting just a little. I was already desperate for Her cock, it had been too long, and this assignment meant certain torture. But Syr followed this up by adding, "And if you are a very good girl, and don't cheat, I might let you suck my cock later." A warm heat rushed through me. My Owner knows how much I love worshiping Her cock with my mouth.

Thankfully, Syr's errands didn't take as long as expected. I'd had to play at 4pm, 5pm, and 6pm, and She was home by 6:30. She is more efficient than I when She shops. When She got home, it was clear She was exhausted by the experience of braving the Christmas crowds. Her feet hurt, Her legs were sore and She was tired. She took a hot bath and I finished up the wrapping I was doing. We chatted for a bit and then She decided it was time for bed and maybe a movie. I made it clear that while the assigned torture had been... well.. torture, I knew She wasn't feeling Her best and suggested a movie. "Maybe..." She noncommittally replied and headed upstairs to leave me to do the tidying up and shutting down of the house for bed.

When I got to the bedroom, Fully clothed, my Owner stood before me, arms crossed over Her chest and eyes flashing with Her particular brand of mischief. I was caught off guard and my eyes fell to the thick hardness I could see under Her pants, along Her thigh. I grinned wickedly and impishly back at Her, feeling rather bold myself.

In a flash, my Owner had my nipples between Her fingers, through my thin tee-shirt. (She has such a knack for finding them instantly!) and She pulled them up forcing me up onto my tiptoes as I whimpered in protest. "What is that defiant look all about?" She growled.

"What defiant look?" I replied, the bratty side of me not quite ready to settle down yet...

"That one." Syr replied looking directly into my eyes as She suddenly pulled my nipples harder.. and higher until I whimpered in pain.

"Now," She began, "who owns you?"

"You do, Syr" I meekly replied, squinting my eyes against the sharp pain in my nipples.

Satisfied for the time being, She released my nipples. "Why are you still dressed?".

I quickly tugged my tee shirt up over my head and unclasped my bra, tossing both to the side.

"Keep going." Syr demanded as I removed my pants and panties, standing naked in front of Her. She pressed against me, the cotton of Her black, sleeveless shirt brushing across my sensitive nipples as She took my wrists and pinned me up against the cold wall behind me eliciting a gasp of shock.

With Her knee, She pressed my thighs apart and leaned into me with Her body - making me acutely aware of Her, fully clothed, and me fully nude. She knows how the contrast of clothed versus non-clothed affects me and, as intended, I felt my place acutely. She kissed my neck, Her teeth nipping at me, growling against me before letting go and stepping back to the center of the room. With one finger pointed down, She snapped and I moved to stand in front of Her. Her hand tangled in my hair and pulled me to my knees in front of Her.

"Open my pants, slave." She murmured, Her voice husky with desire.

My fingers moved, trembling, to unbutton and unzip Her pants, pausing a moment as She continued. "Take out My cock."

I needed a little help dislodging Her large cock from Her pants. Once it was free, I leaned in eagerly but my Owner stopped me, Her hand closing around Her cock just behind the head as She held my head back with the hand She still had buried in my hair.

"What do you want, little girl?" She asked, keeping Her cock mere centimeters from my lips. I whimpered.."Your cock" as I strained against the pull on my hair, desperately wanting to feel Her cock filling my mouth.

"Then ask." She said, a laugh playing at the corners of Her lips. "Ask Me for what you want, slave."

"Please, Syr... Please may I suck Your cock?" I whimpered, desperate to feel it.

She pulled my head closer then, but Her hand blocked all but the very tip of the head. This didn't stop me from doing the best I could, anyway, though as I let my tongue swirl around the head, my lips pressed against the fingers that kept me from taking Her cock even deeper.

After teasing me this way for some time, She moved Her hand back, letting Her cock glide smoothly along my tongue until it nudged at the back of my throat. I moaned my pleasure and gratitude as She began moving Her hips, fucking my mouth slowly. My hands moved to the front of Her thighs, gripping them through the bunched fabric of Her pants and then they were at Her cock and then back at Her thighs. She grabbed both of my hands and pressed them back into place on the front of Her thighs and ordered gruffly, "Keep them there."

In response, I dug my nails back in and held on tight as She began driving Her cock deep into my mouth, moving Her hips faster as Her hands curled into the back of my head so tightly. "Cum." She ordered and I felt my body shudder as I complied. She took my mouth, fucking me and I moaned as I felt the smooth, silky friction of Her cock. "Don't bite My cock, slave" She warned and increased Her tempo. I kept my teeth back, opening wide for the onslaught of Her cock. I felt so taken, so claimed and I could feel the wetness accumulating as I grew swollen and needy to feel Her cock deep inside my pussy.

The sounds I made around my Owner's cock varied between moans of absolute pleasure and whimpers that betrayed my growing desperation. Suddenly, She stopped moving Her hips, holding very still... "Work My cock, slave, show me how badly you need it." She ordered, loosening Her grip on my hair as I began working my mouth up and down Her cock, taking it as deep as I possibly could, swirling my lips around it as I triggered, momentarily, my own gag reflex with my enthusiasm. "Cum!" She ordered again, and again I trembled and shook as I came around Her cock.

"Good girl" crooned my Owner in reply as She took over once again, driving Her cock between my eager lips faster and faster as She ordered "beg Me to fuck you" and then pulled Her cock roughly away. "Please Syr," I begged with all sincerity, "Please fuck me..."

"Get in position." She demanded and I complied without hesitation, laying the waiting towel out beneath me and opening my thighs to receive Her. She looked down at me, fire in Her eyes as She applied lube to Her already moistened cock and, bracing one hand on either side of my head, drove Her cock inside of me to the hilt on the first thrust.

She moved inside of me with ease and wasted no time in quickening Her pace. "Cum!" She ordered, early on as She prefers so that She can feel the way my insides swell and grip Her, becoming tighter around Her making me ever more sensitive for the onslaught that was to come - and come it did. She fucked me with a furious pace, slamming Her cock into me so deeply again and again. I begged for release often and sincerely and came wildly each time She ordered it.

And then something in the movements She was making shifted. She ground deeper and harder against me and I could feel and see the muscles in Her shoulders, arms, and even thighs tensing in that deliciously telling way. My Owner was close to cumming inside me! I reached my hands into the sleeves of Her tee shirt and scratched my nails along Her skin, silently urging Her to cum. She ground harder, and faster, and ordered me to cum and I did, clamping my cunt down so hard onto Her cock as she drove it deep and hard inside me, pressing against me with incredible force as Her own release began to rush through Her. Her groan of release coupled with yet another command to cum and we came to a shuddering climax together and She kept moving Her cock inside me as She continued to cum, far longer than I am used to eliciting even more orgasmic clenching from my own body.

Her cock remained deep inside me, my body pulsing around it, but She wasn't done with me, not yet. After a moment to recover from Her own intense orgasm, She slowly began to move inside of me again, ignoring the pressure against Her own sensitive clit behind Her cock as She worked up the pace, Her hands back in my hair, tangling, pulling me even harder against Her. Before long, She was fucking me wildly again, demanding my compliance, my surrender. I bucked against Her with every climax.

Her cock was feeling hot now, as if it was burning me up from the inside. She paused to add more lube but we both knew the friction from earlier was what was causing the sensation which was both wicked and wonderful.

But She wasn't done, not yet.... and honestly, neither was I. She fucked me still, and then She let me beg.... for so long. She fucked me harder, and harder as I pleaded for another release - yet she held me off. She fucked me hard and fast, but then long... and slow, drawing the moans and whimpers out of me as She artfully worked me over.

Finally, She decided it was time. "Who owns You little girl?" and drove Her cock into me HARD as I replied "You do, Syr!!". "Forever." She stated and again drove in as I replied obediently, "Forever, Syr!".

"Body... repeat, Slave." She growled and again timed Her thrust with my reply... "Body..."

"Mind.." again Her cock slammed into my body as I replied... "Mind!!"

"Heart!" She announced and pressed so deep.... "Heart!!!" I whimpered

"SOUL!" She growled and drove even deeper.... "SOUL!" I cried out.

"CUM, slave!" She ordered.... and I came, hard, clenching down on Her cock, thrashing wildly as She pressed Her lips against my neck, holding Her cock so deep into my body, holding me so tight.

We layed there, tangled in each other, heaving with the energies spent from passion.

"Thank you, Syr" I whispered in adoring gratitude.

"You're welcome, little girl." She whispered in reply, pressing Her lips so softly against my temples.

Place of Vulnerability

A couple of months ago, Syr, a friend of ours, and myself were at our local toy store, perusing the goodies for sale. Syr needed a new cock, having just discovered that She had to retire the previous one.

It took us a long time to pick out a new cock, the last was so beloved by us both. Sadly, however, the previous one had been discontinued as had its similarly sized competitor. Are there no size queens left in queer-ville?!? Why do the biggest, juciest cocks keep getting discontinued?

In any case, we did find a deliciously smooth cock while, of slightly less girth, was still nice and long. Syr was dubious about the lack of texture along the cock - but all I could think of was how lovely it would be to suck such a smooth, silky cock. When I mentioned this perk to the texture, Syr felt a lot better about Her choice. But, I digress...

I was still browsing the store, just for fun, when my eyes fell on a small display of little, silicone butt plugs. Syr saw where my eyes were and breezily ordered, "Pick one." and then wandered away.

I stood there, silently stammering surprise and weak objections in my head while Syr was likely slyly watching (and enjoying) my stunned silence. I spun and gave Her a questioning look. She'd never shown any interest in exploring anal play before. She just nodded and reiterated - "Pick one."

I could feel myself blushing as I thought of the possibilities. I'd only explored anal play twice before. Once was pleasant, once was not with the 'not' being more recent but there was something so thrilling about the way my Owner so casually decided that She wanted to give it a try.

I settled on a small, smooth, gently curved plug that didn't seem too intimidating and noticed that even the thought of Syr pressing it into my ass filled me with a deep sensation of what it feels like to be truly owned - of knowing that every part of my body is available for Her use.

It was several days later when Syr first played with me, there. I remember, still, how intensely and quickly I dropped into the sweetest subspace the moment I heard the snap of the latex glove she put on. The feeling of Her finger, pressing into me there was scary but not really. I was awash with trust and submissive adoration, even then. I knew I was safe, but it was such a deeply vulnerable feeling. The plug, being not much larger than Her finger felt wonderful once it was inside me. The result was that we both very much enjoyed the experience and were eager to repeat it.

One night, Syr pressed the plug inside of me, and had me get dressed again and proceed with my usual activities while filled. This was amazing as the plug was comfortable but it was not possible for me to ignore it and so even the simplest activity made me hyper-aware of my submission and vulnerability. The base of the plug being round though created some irritation after I'd worn it in this way for a while. My Owner mentally filed this information away.

Syr experimented with fucking me while the plug was in but it was so smoothly curved and small that it doesn't like to stay in whilst I am being filled with my Owner's cock. Several positions later, Syr found a way to make it work for the time being and it was amazing the sensations it provoked.

Then, a month or so ago, Syr and I were at a local exhibition of adult sex-related products and services, when She found a really lovely little anal toy called the Nexus Duo, which I just discovered is now discontinued! I'm glad we got one when we did! This little guy has a very narrow neck before the flared base which happily is not big and round but longer, more anchor shaped which means it can comfortably stay in my bum for longer periods without irritating me. It also... vibrates. It's not terribly quiet, that way, but for non-vibrating could discretely be worn under clothes for longer periods of time.

We've only had the opportunity to play with the Nexus once, so far - thanks in large part to the craziness of this time of year - but the once was... VERY exciting.

Syr pressed it into me, while it was vibrating, and I went wild. So wild, in fact, that She decided to turn the vibration off so that She could fuck me properly while it was inside me. It stayed put, much to Her satisfaction, and She added a small cozy and smooth vibrator to my clit while she fucked me and I am fairly positive that I turned myself inside out when She finally gave me permission to cum. It was one of the most explosive orgasms I have ever experienced.

While we have only just begun to explore anal play, I must say that what stands out for me is the utter and total vulnerability and submission I feel when my Owner accesses this part of my body.

Sit on Santa's Lap!

Also ...

Go ahead and sit on Santa's lap, over at Fetlife!! :-)

Tell him if you've been naughty or nice... though if you're reading my blog - I vote NAUGHTY! ;)

In any case, there are goodies to be won!

Sometimes, I yell at my Owner.

Sometimes, I yell at my Owner and sometimes I behave in really disrespectful ways.

It's difficult when we have an argument, especially one I start... maintain... and finish mostly on my own steam simply because I am being obstinate, selfish, or frustrated over something (and most especially when it's something really insignificant).

I have a long and glorious history with partners and biological family members of *not* defending myself. Of... 'taking it' in unhealthy ways. This is the reality of my past and of my childhood. And for years I 'took it' and 'took it' and then....

And then I started to grow up, to heal, to find myself - to learn strength and conviction and how to value myself.

And boy I tell you if the pendulum didn't just swing the other way! I spent so long 'taking it' that once I got used to the idea that it was okay to stand up for myself, I got a wee bit carried away. I didn't know how to defend myself "a little bit". If I felt hurt or slighted, I would feel almost instant adrenaline-filled rage and a desire to FIGHT (not physically). This sensation in my body would be consuming and I would find myself getting really really angry over the littlest things... things that in the end just didn't matter.

Learning to identify this reaction and put it in it's place, categorize the types of things I need to 'fight back' on and the types of things that could easily be chalked up to a bad day, a little bit of grumpyness, or otherwise unintentional hurts is easier said than done. Sometimes I succeed... and sometimes I don't.

It's a process. The episodes where I get that worked up over insignificant stuff are fewer and further between but they do still happen.

I am a slave, much loved by my Owner.

I am a little girl, much loved by her Daddy.

I am submissive, filled with a desire to please - to be a good girl.

It's really tough when I don't behave in a way that honors my Owner, that shows my love of my Daddy, that proves my desire to be a good girl.

It's tough because I don't like making bad choices. I don't like when my emotions take over and I let them get the better of me. I especially don't like when I can look back on my behaviour and identify disrespectful tone, behaviour, or meanness.

Respect is a goal I strive for and, sometimes - perhaps even regularly, I fail miserably at it. It's such a beautiful and good goal. And perhaps by even having the goal - it is making it easier to recognize, back down, and be sincerely contrite when I do make mistakes.

Logically, I know that it is normal to struggle. If I didn't struggle with this - would my submission and surrender to my Owner be real, or would it be an act? It was easier, in a way, when my submission was compartmentalized. My ex-Master saw me on the occasional weekend and - for that weekend - I maintained my role as slave, but when we were apart - was I always so consciously aware of being pleasing, of making Him proud, of being respectful? I thought I was, but it isn't the same.

I am with my Owner every single day. This is a blessing and a gift, but it presents different challenges as well. In the realities of marriage, parenting, jobs and the day to day activities involved in running a household, it isn't as easy to be mindful, all of the time.

And yet - it is my responsibility as my Owner's slave to strive to be mindful all of the time, not just on weekends or during phone calls. I don't get to turn it on or off. Treating Her with respect is the expectation and it is up to me to fulfill it. And this is a good and healthy goal.

We had an argument tonight, and it didn't last long. After maybe 15-30 minutes or so of me totally losing my temper (and losing sight of my place and what She means to me), I was right in the middle of insisting that I hadn't said something She'd said I said (I get very literal when I'm upset), when she just stopped me in my tracks with a very direct question - "Was what you said respectful or not?"

I shut up right away and whispered, meekly, "Not." All of the steam and fight in me gone, instantly, just like that as the reality of Her question hit home.

No, I hadn't been respectful... not at all. I'd been selfishly wrapped up in my own feelings, completely disregarding Hers, and holding on to my "point" out of pure stubbornness. The moment it hit home that I had been disrespectful, I was done. I knew at that point that there was no defense for my behaviour, nor any explanation.

Later, She made a comment, and I am not sure if She was joking or serious - perhaps a bit of both:

"Maybe, next time you have a question to ask Me, you should ask me while you are on your knees."

If I could keep that mental image of kneeling (whether or not my circumstances allowed me to phsyically do it) in my consciousness whenever I spoke to Her, a respectful tone and word choice would be much easier! It's certainly something to file away for later. I am a highly visual person, after all.

It is my opinion that - regardless of our dynamic, as my Wife, and my chosen partner, She always deserves my respect.

However, in light of our dynamic and my position in this relationship, I feel it is even more critical that I constantly work on improving my consistency in giving Her the respect She deserves.

And when I do, we both are better off for it.

Being Her slave is more than enough fuel to empower me for personal growth and this underlies everything I do. If I can learn from this experience, like the others, and become a better slave, little girl, and wife for it - isn't that the truest form of service?

Project Orgasm

I have to leave in five minutes, and I haven't posted to this blog in two months. That math doesn't quite work, but I did want to address Project Orgasm before I go with a contribution, even if brief.

The orgasm I want to contribute to is the non-physical, non-touching, purely verbal orgasm.

This gem is one discovered only through my connection with my Owner. I remember when I first began to wonder if it would be possible. We were long-distance, talking on webcam and MSN Live chat and I was staring into Her eyes, looking up at Her from where I sat, curled up, in my overstuffed armchair that I'd pulled in front of the computer. I was comfortable, clothed, having our usual evening, and absolutely enraptured by the sound of Her voice.

We hadn't met yet, we were lovers, playmates and friends and She was my Dominant, even then. But it was Her voice as She talked to me in low tones, that had me aroused beyond belief. Every nerve in my body was thrumming with desire and heat and anticipation for... I don't know what....

And I remember saying, so softly, "Sometimes, I wonder if You could make me cum with only the sound of Your voice." I'll never forget the way Her eyes twinkled and the slow smile that meant She took it as a challenge, and was accepting it.

A few days later, late in the evening, in our usual spots, She began talking - a live erotic story for my benefit as She described actions. We were past this point, usually, in our play as the cam and voice and chat allowed us to interact in more dynamic ways. She often had me using toys on myself and cumming by the touches I administered at Her command. But not this night.

On this night She ordered my stillness as I just listened to Her. The cadence of Her voice as it rose and fell describing as scenario between us, describing touches in excruciatingly delicious detail, and Her voice - always rising and falling in perfect harmony with the story She was weaving.

She spoke for a long time, and I was transfixed and my body responded in such intense ways it was nearly painful as She worked me over with Her words. She was watching me, watching my face, the intensity of my eyes and She played me like the finest instrument. When I felt as though my body could not possibly pulsate any more intensely than it was already, She stopped, the quiet itself stroking my body from a thousand directions and ordered, "Cum!"

And I did.

Ever since that night, My Owner can make me cum, on command, without even touching me. It takes determination, connection, and the right mindset between us - and it is complicated to explain, but when She sets out to do it, it always works. Sometimes, it works without touch or build-up but merely a countdown as She whispers in my ear 10.... 9..... 8..... until She reaches 1 and presses Her lips against my ear to growl "Cum!" or sometimes, it is as it was that first night, minutes upon minutes of agonizingly detailed storytelling and often it is somewhere in between the two.

But, it is the only orgasm I know that simultaneously satisfies and teases. I think it is one of my Owner's favourite activities both because it can be done so subtly and because it is an exquisite kind of torment. I must concur that it is a sweet paradox, indeed.

Body Hair and Self-Image

Syr tasked me with writing about body hair and self-image.

The truth is that I have a lot of self-image concerns and issues. One area where I am particularly self-conscious is with relation to my body hair.

Sure, there's that part of me that thinks - it's just hair, what's the big deal? And really, I suppose it probably wouldn't be AS big of a deal if I felt like I had a choice in the matter. But, here's where it gets complicated: I don't feel like I have a choice.

I'd LOVE to just be baby butt smooth all over. Luckily, I'm blonde - dark blonde - but still blonde, so it could be worse, I suppose. But while I can successfully (thank goodness!) shave my armpits and my legs to just above the knee without a problem, everything above about an inch above the knee is subject to rashes, breakouts, irritated skin, and a number of other not fun side-effects when I shave.

I suppose I could live with having a trimmed, but hairy pussy, but I'm not a fan of having hairy (almost masculine hairy) upper thighs! It really bothers me. I shave that area and I break out.

I have tried a lot of products to help with this. I've researched what causes breakouts and have had a decent amount of success with products like nair, or for a long time, magic shaving powder. I bought special single-blade bump-free razors and special sensitive skin aftershave balms. Everything works - for a short time. The magic powder worked until I developed a sensitivity to it (was even able to have a very smooth pussy!) The bump-free products also worked for a while until I started breaking out, even with them.

I still have one or two tricks up my sleeve, but these involve getting a close "trim" and not a smooth shave. So it LOOKS ok but can feel somewhat scratchy as to get the 'smooth' feel, I get breakout side effects.

Oops, I've digressed into rant mode about what I "want" and this isn't necessarily the point of the assignment.

my Owner points out regularly that having body hair is normal and that I am not the only one with more hair than preferred in the upper thigh (or elsewhere) areas and has even looked up photos online to show me some examples. I think it concerns Her that I sometimes "feel" abnormal because of this, but I think that, logically, I know better.

As long as my Owner is happy with my appearance and grooming, that is all that matters - but I think a huge part of me really struggles with wishing I could get that smooth, naked, vulnerable feeling of being as hairless as possible....

One point that Syr made recently is that She finds the hair more attractive then all the little bumpies and rashes that I get when I give in to the "to hell with it" impulse and go at that area of my body with a razor. This is good to know.

I feel like I'm writing about this but not really resolving anything. I think I just need to work on trusting that it's ok, not allowing myself to wallow in something that is superficial and doesn't matter at all to my Owner, and not letting it get to me so much.

Manners

Exactly one week ago, my Owner brought to my attention a topic that She wanted me to think about - "proper manners" - when, where, & why.

In working on the Outline for Growth in Service, one thing that presented itself (thanks to my inspiration, O and f) was protocol.

We're not a high protocol couple. Protocols can be tough, unrealistic at times with all of the privacy issues that we have to deal with. But She raised an interesting point - when is it time to assume a more polite set of mannerisms with Her?

This came up because we were bantering back and forth and Syr took that 'tone', the one that means it's time to listen up and when I answered Her question, I said "Yes". She prompted me for a more proper reply but I was sleepy or not paying attention or both. She was fishing for the "Yes Syr" or "Yes Daddy" that would be expected during a slightly higher protocol 'moment' between us and I hadn't caught on.

For us, these moments are not the sort of thing we can plan or schedule ahead of time. They happen when they happen. And Syr counts on me to be attentive enough to not miss them when they do happen.

One thing that I need to work on is being more aware, and attentive to those moments when they occur. Missed opportunities are simply that, and there is a level of service provided when I can sense these mood-shifts and follow Her lead.

Growth in Service: Moment vs. Problem

"Identifying when a moment is just a moment - vs. a 'problem' that needs to be addressed right that moment"

This topic falls under the conflict category - because my Owner and I both agree that this is often the source of a lot of our arguments in the first place.

I spent a great many years learning how to not speak my mind. If someone did or said something that hurt my feelings or made me mad, I learned that saying so was a bad... very bad idea. So bad, in fact, that I would often wonder if i'd even had the right to feel that way in the first place, no matter what the initial 'thing' was that sparked that feeling.

So - fast forward about 5-10 years from that point, and suddenly I don't need to be so concerned about the conseequences of speaking my mind, of sharing my feelings and of standing up for myself. Except, as is so often the case with extremes, the pendulum swung the other direction. Now, instead of staying silent, my impulse was to "stand up for myself" about *everything*.

And that is where I am now. I'm slowly coming back from the most extreme end of the pendulum swing, but I'm nowhere near the center yet. When my feelings or hurt or I'm offended, particularly with someone very very close to me - my impulse is to defend myself so intensely that I am often practically attacking the other person in my fervor to make sure I am allowed to speak up for myself.

This means that even the most momentary (and even potentially fleeting) hurt feeling or annoyance seems like a big deal that must be addressed. This really doesn't leave any room for benefit of the doubt. A grunt or some annoyed body language by my Owner can leave me feeling a little sensitive or wounded and feeling 'wronged' even though the grunt or annoyed body language may have just been a very fleeting bit of normal human grumpiness on the part of my Owner.

So we've quite a few discussions about trying to determine when something really NEEDS to be addressed. I have lots of little grumpy moments that She overlooks, or ignores, not because She didn't notice or because She found those things pleasant - but because She knew I'd had a bad day, or was likely just crabby, or tired, or hungry, or maybe I was just feeling a little off. There is a thought process there, that moment of "okay, that was unpleasant but is it really a big deal and is it really about me?". That moment of thinking about it seems to me to be the more healthy response to a little hurt feeling or annoyance over something seemingly small and out of the blue.

But my pendulum remembers what it was like to stay silent... because I had to. And now my instinct is to NOT do that no matter what. And so, stopping to pause, to think through "how important is this to bring up RIGHT NOW?" is really hard.

My Owner gave me the idea for a simple way to sort of mentally rate what I'm feeling at that moment and I think it simplifies it in a way that is easier to grab hold of, mentally:

Does it need to be brought up at all, or is it something I can let pass (giving benefit of the doubt - maybe just a grumpy moment, etc)

If I really feel like it needs to be brought up/talked about, can I bring it up a little bit later once I've had some time to think about it?

Is it so urgent that I really need to bring it up right now?

The point is that by the time I've thought about it long enough to rate the urgency, I've actually THOUGHT about it, which is the most important part. It sort of quells the knee-jerk defensive/protect myself response that is often overkill.

I have actually tried to begin practicing this and when I have remembered to go through this mental categorizing in the moment, it has worked beautifully. Ironically, each time I have categorized it, the feeling has been in the "not really necessary to bring it up at all" category. I can't describe how GOOD it feels five minutes later when the feeling is gone, nothing needed to be addressed, whatever unpleasant moment I had has passed, and I haven't picked a fight over something that ultimately wasn't that big of a deal.

The benefit isn't just mine. I love my Owner and I trust my Owner, and when I take the time to not jump immediately to "defend" myself, I am showing that trust - and am rewarded by discovering that in the end - there is often not anything that needs to be defended. Just regular human stuff.... and no matter how tough and strong She is, my Owner ... my Daddy... She is also still human. :)

Growth in Service: Uncomfortable Emotions

Processing “negative” emotions
Identifying uncomfortable emotions
Examining the root – why is it so uncomfortable?
What is the fear - what’s the worst that could happen?
What to do with these emotions
Is it necessary to express verbally?
Productive ways to do so
Identifying coping mechanisms / Ways to process productively

"Using the basic idea presented here, identify how negative emotion interferes with communication and causes escalation. Outline three ideas to help prevent or mitigate this - keep the concept of small victories in mind when doing so."

My Owner tasked me to keep this first assignment as simple as possible, but I'm struggling with that a little bit as the ideas presented in the outline seem like big concepts - a lot to chew and swallow in one bite. I had to ask Her for help understanding the assignment and trying to figure out how to approach it. Seeking clarity helped - She wants me to look at this topic as an overview. That helped give me some direction.

This has come up a lot for me in the last few years. I really struggle with the experience of actually feeling a "negative" emotion. If I feel anger, frustration, annoyance, etc toward another person, I am immediately uncomfortable.

I really think that the very fact that I'm experiencing one of these unpleasant emotions causes me to feel anxious, and perhaps even guilty. This often causes the emotion itself to spiral out of control - which is a big contributor to the escalation of a situation where one of these emotions presents itself. I am angry - but then I am also anxious about being angry and now I am angry-anxious and the two play off of each other.

Three ideas to help mitigate this -

1. If I can learn to, in the moment, seperate the anger (or other emotion) from the anxiety I'm having about experiencing that emotion then I can address the anger/frustration/etc which will then mitigate the anxiety. Being able to distinguish which parts of what I'm feeling are actual emotion and which parts of what I'm feeling are fear-based can help me manage it better.

2. Learning to give myself permission to feel - "It's ok to be angry", "It's ok to be frustrated", then hopefully I can mitigate the anxiety altogether and then figure out next steps for how to process the emotion.

3. If I can find a way to not react/respond immediately to what I'm feeling when one of these uncomfortable emotions is involved so that I have TIME to do the things I've mentioned in #'s 1 and 2, then I am setting myself up for success. Whether it's taking a personal time-out before reacting, counting to ten, meditating, breathing, or doing some other action thing that will distract me enough to think through what I'm feeling - this could really help me deal in the moment.

Outline for Growth in Service

Following my discovery of the outline I mentioned in my previous post, my Owner assigned me the task of using it as a jumping off point to create one more personalized to my challenges/goals and our dynamic.

When I sat down to work on it, I found the work easier than I thought it would be. The existing outline gave me lots of good ideas on how to apply it to me and my work - or my relationship and dynamic with my Owner.

I sent it to my Owner for review this afternoon. She'll be starting to work with me on it and will tweak it as necessary as She assigns each 'piece' rather than leaving me to work through it in order on my own. This makes sense to me as that way She can pull out writing topic points that are applicable in a given moment/situation or for reading when She wants to read about them - which I do think will maximize the benefit of the work.

I also think that it's good for me in the sense that I won't have the luxury of being able to 'plan ahead' to what comes next... a positive trust exercise.

So without further ado, here it is:

Conflict

Checklist

Identifying when an 'issue' must be addressed right then.

Allowing for normal human emotion

Grumpy vs. angry, indirect vs. passive aggressive

Aim for at least a 60/40 split with Listening vs. Talking

How “mentally preparing” for next point interferes with listening

Explaining reasoning does not negate/erase feelings

Ask, don’t tell Owner what Her feelings are

Waiting for the answer after asking a question

Not defending/countering

Accepting the answer given as the only sane choice

How not doing these things invalidates Owner’s feelings/emotions

The Reminder: “Who Owns Who?”

The purpose of the reminder, why was it necessary?

Understanding the risk Owner is taking in doing the reminding

Taking a moment to be grateful

Pause and reflect on behaviour – in line with protocol?

“Stop” – Respecting Owner’s boundaries/need for space

Hearing & respecting the first time (always an order)

Ego Removal

Thinking / Understanding

Trust

Seeking reassurance – appropriate time and place

Resolving conflict productively

Assigning blame - why?

“I’m sorry” versus processing / expressing remorse

Trusting Owner to apply correction when required

Post-conflict self-abuse (mental/verbal/physical) = lack of trust

Wallowing/Dwelling

Service and Mindfulness

Can one exist without the other?

Ways to cultivate mindfulness

Identify your intentions

Continual removal of conflicting thoughts

Service to Owner as service to self

Orders

What qualifies as an order

Who judges whether a request is important?

Bargaining

Recognition/Reward – want vs. need

The positive effects of obedience

Being aware of Owner’s needs & desires

Offering vs. Being asked

Identifying, Understanding, & Banishing fear with trust

Practice, Practice, Practice

Avoidance & Anxiety

Identify the block / inner objection

Processing anxiety

What’s driving it

Trusting

Working within self-expectations

Desired level of service vs Minimum level (keeping it realistic)

Trusting Owner to decide what is/is not an acceptable level of service

Identify the pleasure - Service to Owner as service to self

Eye contact

Keeping focus when receiving direction

Maintaining focus when responding

Looking at vs. looking through

Corrections

Hearing the correction

Understanding the correction

Ego removal

Responding and offering gratitude for the Correction

Expressing Gratitude

What the hell for?

Understanding the service your Top provides

You probably need it – even if you disagree.

Spiritual self-work

Neuro-Elasticity vs. Samskaras

The joy of sticking with it

Processing “negative” emotions

Identifying uncomfortable emotions

Examining the root – why is it so uncomfortable?

What is the fear - what’s the worst that could happen?

What to do with these emotions

Is it necessary to express verbally?

Productive ways to do so

Identifying coping mechanisms / Ways to process productively

The discipline of focus

Visualize goal

Removing distraction

Motivating self through reflecting on success

Learning to follow

Being patient

Micro-management

Identifying what the fear is

Remembering to trust

Being flexible and open minded as service

Being comfortable without a plan / Spontaneity

Creating false objections to stay in ‘safe zone’

Letting go and letting Owner be in charge

Indecision

Identifying when struggle for control is the root

Asking for help when needed

Respect

Identifying Milestones

Identifying smaller achievements

Remembering smaller achievements

Rewarding smaller achievements (bidirectionally)

Protocol

All Settings

Mindfulness of Tone / Voice

LISTENING: Learning to unfilter verbal information

Identifying the filter

Acknowledging the obstacle

Listening to precise language

SPEAKING: Learning to unfilter verbal information

Identifying the filter / desire to spin

Acknowledging the obstacle

Speaking precisely

Remaining open to response

Integrating mindfulness

Answering Questions

Giving a straightforward answer

Avoidance and defensiveness

Answering a question with a question

Interactions with others

Vanilla settings

Addressing Owner

Tone used with terms of endearment, use of first name

Walking / Travelling

Food & Beverage

Dining out

Family Leisure time

Public – kinky/private settings

Addressing Owner – Syr, Daddy, my Owner

Expectation removal

Verbalizing desires

Desire vs Need

Accepting answers/responses – with trust

Food & Beverage Service

Playtime

Providing sensual service

Verbalizing headspace/mood

Removal of intensity / impulse to drive a scenario

Providing feedback

How expectation removal allows for full immersion in scene

Aftercare

Topic Outline

Recently, a Daddy/girl couple whom I 'know' online (and whose dynamic I appreciate, respect, and personally identify with as it reminds me of my dynamic with my Owner) posted about a recent new bit of work they were doing together. I'll call them O and f. :)

I really identify a lot with f because I feel we share a similar tendency to be very emotionally and spiritually connected to our power exchange dynamics. It's not just a set of actions, but it is something that empowers us to personal growth - and more intensely connected relationships with our partners.

So, recently, O came up with an outline of writing topics for f to do. What blew me away was how well thought out the list was. It was not just random writing - but clearly topics designed to give f food for thought, and growth. It exuded loving Daddy energy - as he is clearly trying to help guide her.

It is precisely this sort of energy that I hold so dear in my own Daddy. :) So I really was drawn to it. I loved the topics and got myself all shy and worked up but got the nerve to email O and ask if it was ok with both of them if I showed the list of topics to my Owner.

They said yes - yay! ;) Upon showing it to Syr, She asked me to write about how I thought an outline like that one would help me --

The topics list several things I really identify with - such as mindfulness, eye contact, accepting discipline/correction, learning, growing, and trusting.

For me, exploring these topics in depth often is a tremendous tool for growth. Not only do I find them helpful to my dynamic - my service to my Owner, but I find that I often learn things about myself along the way. Writing about topics like those help open me up to new awarenesses about myself whether it be awarenesses about things I want/need to improve upon or awarenesses of where my strengths really are - a confidence booster.

I also know how my Owner responds to my writing when it is on topics that are useful for my personal growth or for improving my ability to trust and serve Her. I know that in a way, even the writing is an act of service that I feel She would enjoy.

My Owner has been employing writing assignments as a tool for our dynamic and my personal growth since we first began talking to one another. It is one of the most natural and profound ways we connect with each other at this level. I don't think anything negative has EVER come about as a result of writing - and so I think it could only be beneficial.

Lost

I awoke this morning, tossing and turning and near tears from a dream where I was seperated from my Owner & Daddy. She was still right next to me for snuggles but only for a moment as the alarm was going off and we had to get ready to head out to our jobs for the day...

I was feeling unsettled, and sleepy. I had a pretty rough night and was feeling particularly vulnerable and sensitive. After I dropped Her off at the transit station, I just focused on driving until I arrived at work.

When I pulled into my usual parking spot, parked the car, and looked down at where my hand rested on the gear shift so I could put the car in park and grab my commuter coffee mug - I got a serious jolt. My bracelet was missing... rather.. the COLLAR my Owner put on my wrist.

I was almost instantly in tears as I shook my naked wrist, as if I could make the familiar silver weight, and symbol of my slavery and service to my Owner magically reappear! And then I began to panic as I tried to remember when I last saw it, last ran my fingers along it. What if it had been missing for more than a few minutes, a few hours.... what if it had been gone for DAYS and I hadn't noticed. Outside of just wanting to find it, I also was so concerned at having taken the feel of it for granted that I might have not NOTICED. I was devestated as I frantically tried to call Daddy to... tell Her... to ask for the reassurances She is so wonderful at giving. But Her phone wasn't near enough to Her to hear and so it went to voicemail.

I spent the day wistfully touching my wrist and wishing I could rush home and scour the house, so convinced I was by now that I must have lost it sometime in the last week. I was not wholly rational about the subject by this point and had guilt to boot.

She met me at work so we could ride home together and by then She had received at least one of my text messages letting Her know what was going on. I was fretting and She reminded me that the bracelet... collar... is just a symbol of Her Ownership of me and doesn't change the fact that I am owned. I know that... and yet the physical reminder is like an anchor, a touchstone for me to reach for when I need it. And I was having a hard time not being in a panic.

Syr insisted, then, that we go somewhere just the two of us for a quick dinner, rather than go straight home. She wanted to give me time to calm myself a bit.

We pulled into the sushi place we'd decided on and I parked the car. She wrapped Her hand tightly in my hair, pulled my head back and then pulled me against Her shoulder. She growled softly in my ear, "Who owns You, little girl?"

"You do, Syr", I whimpered my reply.

"Do you NEED the bracelet to feel owned?" She demands.

"YES" came my pouty little girl reply.

She let go of my hair, reached over my lap to a spot on the floor near my feet and picked up something sparkly...

My Collar!!!!!!

She hadn't noticed it until just at the moment I'd said yes to Her question and She chuckled and shook Her head as She figured out how it had come loose, fixed it, and put it back on my wrist.

She muttered that She had been trying to make a point, but that even She couldn't deny the irony of finding the bracelet jus that very moment. "I guess You DO need it" She laughed.

I cried with relief. I was so happy it was found.

And... I feel a lot better knowing that I had likely noticed it within minutes of it falling off. *big deep breath*.

But the truth.... no... I don't need to wear a physical collar to know that I am owned - body, mind, heart, and soul by my Wife, my Owner.. my Daddy. But, I find having a physical anchor of my submission to be a little blessing that I am grateful for.

Thank You, Daddy for finding it and understanding why it means so much!

Taken...

I often find myself replaying recent moments of intensity shared between my Owner and me.

For the past several days it has just been this recent memory:

My Owner hovers over me, Her left arm braced next to my right ear like a pillar of strength and fire, fingers curling into the mattress gathering more and more power as She drives Her cock into me so hard.... so fast. As She pushes me farther near the edge.... I'm begging, pleading for Her permission to cum, begging with all that I have and, not for the first time, I am afraid that my body will betray me, that I will cum unintentionally, unable to hold back before She says the word. I never do. Something in me is always able to hold on just that little bit longer, and She tells me to breathe.... tells me "not yet".

She knows I need, crave, hunger for Her permission. She owns that moment and we both know it. She growls, flames burning behind the darkness of Her eyes and She bares Her teeth, locking eyes with me as She simultaneously growls "Cum" and Her right arm is suddenly beneath my head as the pillar that is Her left arm draws even more energy, fucks me even harder - drives ever deeper and yet even as She unleashes so much force inside of me, Her right arm scoops me up, holds me closer to Her body - tenderly, almost gently.

And that is when I am lost, completely. I am submitting and surrendering to Her all over again with all the intensity that She has shared with me filling me up and overflowing via my tears as I sob.... and sob... against Her shoulder and She wraps me up in Her body and also.... keeps going. Again and again She does this, pulling and pushing and demanding more until, empty of tears, I am exhausted... and near delirious. Taken.

Grounded

It doesn't take much to find myself securely grounded in my service to my Owner. It isn't always flashy and it isn't always easily spotted from outside - but it is where my intentions lie and it is in the way I look at Her and the way I spend my free time and in the way that I touch Her.

It seems as if we have entered a new paradigm in our life together. There is a sweet simplicity to our dynamic now and yet for all that it seems to lack in 'formality', it is ripe with depth and connection.

Since my last update I still find myself being little more often than not. It isn't always the same depth of littleness. It ebbs and flows and sometimes feels really intense and sometimes is just a soft whisper in the back of my thoughts, but it seems to stick around.

I find that I am more pro-active in doing things around the house, or in making more involved meals, or in taking care of things I know need taking care of because even the little mundane activities of day to day living have started feeling at least a little bit like service.

I don't know entirely what has shifted, what caused it, or even if this is a permanent change. But, I do know that I like it, my Owner likes it..... and ultimately I am revelling in being a very very good girl.

Being little in a vanilla setting...

I was assigned to write about being little in a vanilla setting.

As I mentioned in my previous post, i've been little pretty consistently for the last several days. That's sort of new for me. Before it seemed I would find this blissful little space and then would need to 'put it aside' (or thought I did?) to function in the regular mundane world, dealing with teenagers and work and other humdrum day to day activities.

But over the last couple of days (two full work days with evenings alone with the teenagers as Syr has been working until 9pm), I have been pretty consistently little. And instead of the roller coaster of being little, then vanilla, then little, then vanilla, it's more like i've just been little all the time, and finding myself functioning from that space and having that be... good... and not at all disabling.

I think that some of the biggest triggers to this have been recognizing, admitting, and starting to work on some previously unnoticed control issues of mine. It started a process of consciously trusting and accepting what my Owner says to me. Seems like a no brainer, and I really do trust Her more than anyone else who has ever been a part of my life. But honestly, i have more trust issues than I realized. I would always surrender, unquestioningly to Her on more formal things, on matters related to our dynamic - but the day to day things I would find myself quietly questioning and wondering if I could 'do it better'. Recognizing this and then working on it has found me realizing how much of our dynamic is my responsibility.

That's something I've sure thought about and talked about it before - but apparently in a more indirect way. I logically know that it's not my Owner's job to fully maintain our dynamic... I have to offer up myself as well. But knowing it logically and implementing it consistently when you have a crap-load of baggage is a little harder.

But this neat thing happened... when I started trusting, listening, accepting what was said to me - and answering questions when asked simply and without defensiveness... I found myself reconnecting with my slave-self, that part of me that knows how to surrender, and finding it - even or even especially in vanilla settings.

I've found myself moving through my evening while my Owner is at work, and everything I do is with a mind to service. I'm amused at myself as it's usually clear how little I am by what and how I'm cooking...

Yesterday I made a pie, from scratch, with blackberries we'd picked over the weekend.

Today for dinner, I'm making a red wine braised beef to serve over herbed polenta, slow cooking, the kind that requires love and attention... the kind that has my whole heart in it.

I can put my whole heart into simpler meals, sure, and I often do. But when I am feeling confident in my slavery, I find myself wanting to do more elaborate things, and doing them with more confidence.

And within this, I find that it's not hard for me to maintain this space despite interruptions, chatting with people, working, etc. Instead it's like... integrating... finding out what it feels like to be able to be in a surrendered state of mind more consistently.

My own work and my Owner's reminders, assignments, tasks, and touches are helping keep me firmly planted here - and I like it.

Free Writing - 5 Minutes

My Owner assigned me two bits of writing tonight, the first of which is 5 minutes of free writing.... and GO

I have been little for like four or five days straight. Little is sort of the way I describe being in a soft, submissive, compliant, grounded, head space. I don't remember how exactly it started but there are some moments that really stand out.

I was feeling not *quite* little but I wanted that little 'push' over the edge. Sometimes, if I'm not paying attention that's when I'm most likely to succumb to a bit bratty behaviour. I was doing that a bit... and Syr stopped me in my tracks and asked me, point blank - "Does it make you feel good to behave that way?". And I just froze for a moment as my chin dropped. "No..."

My Owner replied, "Then why are you acting that way? What are you trying to get?"

I barely whispered... "a drop..."

"Apologize."

"i'm sorry, Syr."

"Go make my dinner, slave."

~*~*~*~

Yesterday, my task was to come home and write 25 times "I am owned. I am loved."

~*~*~*~

Last night, falling asleep snuggled up with my Owner feeling blissfully and contentedly little.

~*~*~*~

A quote from the Submissive Journal Prompts that went something like - 'A submissive has to be told what to do. A slave has to do what she's told' and knowing that I have been and am sometimes in both categories, but I am at my most fulfilled and happiest with myself when I am my highest self - as slave. That is what we've committed to be to each other: Owner and slave, and it is this that empowers me to work on being my highest self. When I am confident and unafraid enough to surrender completely to trust and love and to obey my Owner consistently, I find that it is a little like an ascension and I am a truer form of me. And being fully in my slave-highest-self also empowers me to be stronger and more confident in the world...

~*~*~*~

And today, still feeling little and owned, all I keep thinking of is how this feels... so sustainable.

I've been working on myself a lot over the last year and I am about to step deeper into that work, and a lot of it revolves around acceptance, peace, learning to trust, and just listening. I can't describe how many ways that translates into my relationship with my Owner and Daddy.

A project...

I am working on a little writing project. ;)

You see, a few years ago (2006, to be exact), I participated in NaNoWriMo, and not for the first time. But the product of this (third) attempt at NaNoWriMo is a story that I hope to [eventually] edit, fill out a bit, and submit for publication.

The world I have created is a fully immersive world in which D/s & M/s style relationships are the 'norm'. My primary characters are butch/femme queer, but the world itself is pansexual. This is not an "all men are dominant and all women are submissive" world - but rather a world where each person chooses their path and then begins a path of training with the ultimate goal being to be actualized at the epitomy of the dominant role or the submissive one. Of course, this world has its own vocabulary for such things and its own protocols.

My goal was to write an erotic story about a girl in a world that I could personally fantasize about. A world filled with intense BDSM themes, but also one that allowed for matters of the heart, matters of choice, and of the empowerment of choice - and the humanity in everyone, whether dominant or submissive. I wanted the high protocol rituals of an immersive world, with a unique sense of equality despite the power exchange dynamics within the adult societal construct. And within this world I tell one girl's story, sharing her mistakes - her highs and her lows and the lessons learned along the way.

Gushing aside, I am working on a project that will give people a glimpse into the world I created with my story... and an opportunity to get to know the main character/heroine... via her personal diary and blog (completely fictitious of course).

The idea is simple - you can read her blog and if something about her world catches your attention, you can comment as if you were a part of that world too and were commenting on her personal blog. Comments are moderated so that only 'in character' comments will display keeping the experience there fully immersive.

This will help me to give her even more life as I work on editing my story (again, and again... and again...).

So if you're interested in reading and/or participating in the interactive blog, you can do so here:

the30thvow.blogspot.com

I have also started a twitter account where I can post occasional quotes from the blog as well.

twitter.com/the30thvow

Please feel free to spread the word.

Photography Prize

There was recently a contest going on at FetLife, in one of the groups that I belong to. And in a fortuitous twist of events, my name was pulled randomly for a prize that one of the members had donated!

What was this prize, you ask? A photo shoot with a local photographer!

At first, I wasn't really all that sure what I wanted to do with it. I can be pretty shy, and I don't exactly have a typical model's body. I check out the photographer's work and it looked lovely, and also seemed skinny - at least a majority of it. So I wrote him a thank you note and asked some questions, namely - do you take pictures of fat girls?

He put me at ease right away and we discussed some things that we might both be comfortable with shooting - and then made a coffee date so that my Owner and I could meet him in person and discuss the paperwork and each of our goals for the shoot and our comfort levels.

I was surprised to discover that my Owner was VERY comfortable with the idea of the photos - and actually didn't even really mind the idea of participating. This photographer does primarily nudes and so we knew that going in. We ended up having some fascinating conversation about possible pose ideas that highlighted our dynamic.

When the day for the shoot rolled around, I was nervous but excited and Syr was too. And we ended up having an amazing time. I'm looking forward to seeing the contacts from the shoot but I know there are several pictures that I'm really excited to see.

I may even post some... *wink*

Thank you, Mr. Hardwood Pinups!

Real fear, real surrender, and bliss

It's interesting.  Prior to the fear play workshop at Mayhem, I really thought I had done a good bit of fear play.  But really, I hadn't.

A couple of days ago, my Owner took a plastic grocery bag and held it over my mouth and nose, tightly - preventing me from being able to breathe.   It began like our other breathplay - which historically only lasted 2-5 seconds, I would say.  But it lasted longer... and unlike other forms of breathplay, a simple twist of my head wouldn't move the plastic away and suddenly give me my breath back.  I was fully at my Owner's mercy with regard to when and how I would take my next breath.  It didn't go on as long as it could have (45 seconds is a commonly acceptable safe limit for breathplay and several sources say that most people won't faint from loss of oxygen for at least a minute and a half).  It went on for maybe 10-15 seconds.  It was long enough to feel like eternities longer than any other time She's ever kept me from breathihng, but not long enough to feel as if I was in true danger.

And yet, despite the logic and the knowledge that I was perfectly safe, there was suddenly an element of actual fear.  It wasn't like "oooh you're so big and tough", but my brain sending the signals to the rest of me that it was maybe going to have to fight for it's life.  And the whole time my Owner's eyes were locked on mine and when She moved the bag away and I took that first big breath and leaned forward against Her chest, I felt the truest surrender I have ever felt.

I am Hers, completely, and the trust between us allowed for me to struggle - only slightly - while I fought for air.  And when I had breath again, my feelings were a swirl of emotion and soft submission.  That sensation of fear, actual physiological fear was the most amazing thing ever.  The entire world dropped away and there was only Her.  I floated along through the remainder of my evening in a place of soft surrender and I just stayed there.  It was, of all the things we have ever done together, the deepest into my submission I have ever gone...the 'drop', the intensity of how little and owned and held I felt far surpassed any other form of play or pain that I have ever experienced.

Just before bed last night, She did it again, sans props, She pressed Her hand tightly over my mouth and pinched my nose shut - with enough pressure that I couldn't wriggle away and we locked eyes again.  This time, I struggled as She began to count up the seconds.   at 11 or 12 seconds, she reached to tickle me which made me try to gasp - and when I couldn't get breath I struggled harder, and whimpered against the palm of Her hand pressed so tightly against my mouth and still She held.  I think She let go at 15-20seconds or so, and yet it felt like forever.

She let go and as I took two or three big gulps of air, I kept my eyes on Her and just stared into Her eyes, hyperfocused on Her and positively in awe of Her, Her power, Her control, Her ownership of me.  She allowed me to play then, and when I neared my first orgasm, She took my breath again, and then ordered me to cum.  As my body convulsed in small shudders of pleasure, my mind grasped for a chance for air and as my orgasm just began to subside, my Owner gave air back to me, and I thanked Her.

I remember very little after that besides being drifting off to sleep floating in the pure, sweet, bliss of surrender.

Mayhem ~ Simply Incredible

It's been a couple of weeks now, since Mayhem, and I kept meaning to come in here and write out all the juicy details but my mundane life and natural propensity for procrastination kept getting in the way.  Oopsy!

But not to worry, I haven't forgotten a thing.  It was a very memorable weekend.

Friday night was registration, the meet and greet, and the first play party - to kick the weekend off.  I was actually feeling pretty shy but it was a lot of fun walking around and checking out the vendors goodies!  There was a reception area with the most delectable treats including an erotic cake of a woman's torso, complete with full bare breasts - all bound up with lots of lovely rope.

The play party was simply wonderful.  We managed to get a nice spot near a wall where we coul watch other scenes and still have a table and chairs to get comfy.  Most of the time when we go to public play space together, the thing that I look forward to most is being able to lay out my fur an kneel at my Owner's feet and that's the first thing we did.

We enjoyed the energy of the space, all female, all kinky, and delightfully debaucherous.  I just remember feeling as though we we were soaking it all up like sponges, letting it fill us and sate our hunger.

But of course, it wasn't going to stop there.  We were conveniently seated literally right next to a St. Andrew's Cross and my Owner wasn't going to let an opportunity like that slip away..  so She put me against it and gave me the most delightful and heavy spanking, and caning, and flogging.  *purrr*  It was just what we both needed - an opportunity to be loud and really indulge in the energy exchange without having to hold back to preserve privacy or silence.  She loved making me cry out with each stroke of Her hand, or cane, or flogger..... and I just loved being able to *let* it out.

Saturday, we slept in nice and late before heading over to the hotel for a workshop on fear and terror play.  It was an incredible workshop and we both enjoyed it so much.  

My schoolgirl-dressed friend got to volunteer for a gorgeous breathplay demonstration where the presenter used a black latex ski mask over her face.  It was breath-taking (I know... that was a groaner of a bad pun right?).  In all seriousness it was hot and erotic and beautiful all at once.  The mask covered her face but showed all the contours of her eyes, nose, and mouth.  And the pigtail-breads she was wearing high  on her head really just completed the look.  She was dressed as a girl-guide and at least one person suggested she get a badge for that!  And - my Owner and I both learned a lot about breath play safety in that workshop which ended up being put to VERY good use pretty recently actually (I'm such a tease - more on that in a bit).

Other highlights from the workshop were watching a woman get fucked with a knife, while blindfolded (complete with safety and how-to talk) and watched a mindfuck involving a chainsaw.  It was hot.  It was REALLY hot.  But what was the most amazing thing to me was watching how raptly Syr paid attention, and how Her eyes lit up.  She'd never been to a workshop like that before, and I could see all these little evil, sadistic switches flicking to the on position behind Her eyes.  I could seriously watch that look all day long.

After the workshop, Syr purchased a pack of 20 high gauge needles (25) & alcohol pads as She was hoping to get an opportunity to learn to do play piercings on something.  It's something we've both been wanting to explore together for a long time as quiet, intense play is our favourite thing - in part because of our lack of privacy and in part because we both thrive on more psychologically impactive play.  But, as I've only been pierced once before, She really wanted to learn from someone who was really comfortable with it before putting sharp things in me.  Pretty smart, huh? 

After the workshop and changing into more appropriate attire, we made an appearance at the formal reception where we admired some AMAZING attire including our earlier fear workshop presenter (an incredibly sexy butch) in leather pants, tophat, and tails. *swoon*  There were others there too but. well... yeah.  *blush*

Saturday night, it was time to head over to the dungeon for the rest of the evening's festivities.  

The first part: Tastings!!  I was probably more excited about Tastings than the rest of the conference combined.  The concept was simple - volunteers who felt they had a particularly specialized skill that they felt confident/experienced in would offer small 'demos' of a variety of activities, not scenes, but 'tastes'.  There was an amazing variety of things to try there and we didn't even get a chance to watch all the stations, the time went by so quickly.  But here's a non-inclusive list: flogging, play-piercing (needles), punching/boxing, single-tail, clothespins, tit torture, spanking, caning, branding, and cell popping.

I started out watching the punching station with fascination.  There was a lot more talking than actual punching but I learned a lot and it was fun watching someone hear about how and where and how hard you can really just punch someone with boxing gloves and the types of gloves, etc.

my Owner took me to the singletail station almost immediately.  The single tail station was being led by someone who had been doing some amazing singletail work that was full of amazing energy on Friday night that we'd both been admiring.  I was terrified.  I love the sound of the singletail but there had only ever been one time I'd enjoyed being on the receiving end - and that was with someone whom I knew was very skilled and whose touch with the singletail was so light that it was not much more than a tickle.  But up I went after much whimpering, and after my Owner described the type of sensations She wanted me to experience, the demo began.  

There are really not many words to express how incredible it was.  It was thrilling and scary and amazing.  Most of the touches with the single-tail were incredibly light, brushing my clothes or just whispering across my skin.  Two very accurate strikes really hurt and they were very deliberate, one to each shoulder blade area on my back.  Each left me with lovely welts for most of the evening and had me floating high to the next station...

Syr surprised Herself by being so comfortable with the tastings.  We are monogomous and the idea of having me 'play' with others isn't really something either of us are into.  And yet because these weren't scenes, She had great fun deciding what She wanted me to experience next.  We thankfully passed by the cell popping and instead went to watch play piercing for a bit.  Syr very respecfully asked both the piercer and the piercee if it was okay for us to observe/learn and both parties were accomodating.  Syr had intended to ask someone we know personally who is experienced with needles for a more one on one 'lesson' but that was not likely to be until later and She was very excited (I was too - shhh). 

Syr took me to the caning station next, and a really sweet boi talked to us about the different kinds of canes, and the materials used to make them and I got to feel a really cool bunch of canes that were bound together and one really nice thick heavy cane.  The thick, heavy cane was fascinating.  It was stingy and thuddy at the same time.  The sting part was ouchy but then it would be followed by this deep thuddy sensation that would give me goosebumps.

By the time we were done at that station, tastings were over and (after Syr took an evil-break to insert a benwaball-style toy inside me) we spent a long and lovely time together just sitting and discussing it all, chatting with our friends - all the while with me at Her feet *happy sigh*

After a long visit and relaxing time, Syr found a spot for us to play, put me on my tummy with my back exposed and worked my back over with Her knife. With all the energy and sounds around us, I really just floated while the cold, sharp blade worked along my sensitive skin.  She remarked a small starburst pattern She'd first marked a week or so before that, and added a lot of other things in thin stinky scratchy-welts all over my skin.  I remember feeling so small and begging for Her to take my breath and She would oblige with a few moments of breath play and then would go back to my back with Her knife.

She snuggled me and we socialized more after that for most of the remainder of the evening.  But then we were able to match schedules with the person she was hoping to learn needles from, someone we're both comfy with and so with me sitting, still floaty from all the play and energy of the evening, on my fur - our friend and my Owner pierced each of my breasts with five needles, and then played with them - a lot.  The energy of the piercing was fun, playful and for me - floaty and bliss-like.  Our friend told us the necessary safety information and also some tips for how to play with the needles... and we both enjoyed it very much, and had 10 left over for playing with at home (until we get more).  The fine gauge was perfect for me... the endorphin rush for me is still really wonderful whether the needles are thin or thick - and the psychological impact is the same.  Syr even picked up some tips on ways to lace them together and pull on them and such that She's looking forward to playing with.  

We both fell into bed exhausted Saturday night and slept in on Sunday morning, once again. 

Sunday afternoon we accompanied another friend to the energy-pull (hook-pull), our last planned activity of the day.  That was absolutely incredible.  The gauge of the hooks is quite small (they are thick hooks), so I am not sure I'd ever be able to participate in something like that myself, but the energy in the room was amazing.  It was highly spiritual and floaty and lovely.   Syr would come up behind me and I would lean back against Her and just feel like I was flying. 

Oh.. and I made friends with a leatherdog, which makes me really happy.  Haven't connected with him since then, but I hope to!   I hope to one day play with the leatherdogs whilst in little girl mode.  That just sounds like so so much fun!

After we got home from the energy-pull, we both crashed big time.  I experienced sub-drop for the first time, ever.  For a couple of days I was weepy and emotional and temperamental, kind of like PMS, but not.  It was really fascinating.  

All in all - an incredibly rewarding experience.  It really makes me want to find a way to make it to Wicked Womyn, but alas - that is probably not very likely.  And that's ok.  I'm grateful for the experiences that I have had.