Growth in Service: Allowing for normal human emotions

The outline is not forgotten. Syr asked me to write on two topics tonight. I chose to go in order, because I feel I have something to say on the next topic on the list:

Growth in Service

Conflict

Checklist

Allowing for normal human emotions (angry vs. grumpy, etc)

I have a really hard time with "negative" emotions. Positive ones are simple, easy to process.

Joy, pride, love, desire are all emotions that make me feel good about myself and whatever interaction or experience I am having. Anger, frustration, sadness, hurt feelings, grumpiness, annoyance are all emotions that make me feel badly about myself and whatever I'm experiencing.

I think that, just in writing that short paragraph that I've learned something. I take everything personally. Someone may be angry or grumpy or sad and I almost immediately think that it is about me or because of me. Newsflash - not everything is about me. It seems like a simple idea/concept and yet it isn't. I'm prone to sensitivities. I take it onto myself to ensure the happiness and contentedness of the people I love when I am around them. And yet, it really isn't my responsibility to ensure that the people I love are happy at all times.

Within reason, it is reasonable for me to expect myself to see to my Owner's comforts and to make Her life easier where possible. That is service. But to take personal responsibility for every emotion that She feels is not service, nor is it something that She expects of me.

I think that this is likely the root of much of my panic when someone near to me is exhibiting an unpleasant emotion. The reality of life is that yes - sometimes I've irritated someone or done something to hurt someone's feelings. But I don't seem to know how to process it if that happens. It's a work in progress and... I feel as if I have been making progress, a lot of it.

This has been something I've been working on for a while now, under my Owner's instructions. Now, more than ever before I am better able to step back from a situation and recognize that not every unpleasant emotion is a big deal. I'm better able, now, to decipher between grumpy and angry. Before, those two seemed and felt the same. Sometimes, my Owner is grumpy because of something that has nothing to do with me and sometimes She is grumpy because of something I contributed to. But I don't automatically jump to the conclusion that She's angry at me. I still sometimes think along those lines but it isn't my first thought every time like it used to be.

An interesting byproduct of this is that I'm better able to put my own emotions in their proper place. I'm better able to tell when I'm just being grouchy or if I'm feeling an emotion that actually NEEDS to be dealt with by confronting someone or something.

Emotions aren't black and white but a thousand shades of grey. I'm learning more and more about this all the time. It makes me a better slave, a better wife, a better friend... but most of all, a better me.