This topic falls under the conflict category - because my Owner and I both agree that this is often the source of a lot of our arguments in the first place.
I spent a great many years learning how to not speak my mind. If someone did or said something that hurt my feelings or made me mad, I learned that saying so was a bad... very bad idea. So bad, in fact, that I would often wonder if i'd even had the right to feel that way in the first place, no matter what the initial 'thing' was that sparked that feeling.
So - fast forward about 5-10 years from that point, and suddenly I don't need to be so concerned about the conseequences of speaking my mind, of sharing my feelings and of standing up for myself. Except, as is so often the case with extremes, the pendulum swung the other direction. Now, instead of staying silent, my impulse was to "stand up for myself" about *everything*.
And that is where I am now. I'm slowly coming back from the most extreme end of the pendulum swing, but I'm nowhere near the center yet. When my feelings or hurt or I'm offended, particularly with someone very very close to me - my impulse is to defend myself so intensely that I am often practically attacking the other person in my fervor to make sure I am allowed to speak up for myself.
This means that even the most momentary (and even potentially fleeting) hurt feeling or annoyance seems like a big deal that must be addressed. This really doesn't leave any room for benefit of the doubt. A grunt or some annoyed body language by my Owner can leave me feeling a little sensitive or wounded and feeling 'wronged' even though the grunt or annoyed body language may have just been a very fleeting bit of normal human grumpiness on the part of my Owner.
So we've quite a few discussions about trying to determine when something really NEEDS to be addressed. I have lots of little grumpy moments that She overlooks, or ignores, not because She didn't notice or because She found those things pleasant - but because She knew I'd had a bad day, or was likely just crabby, or tired, or hungry, or maybe I was just feeling a little off. There is a thought process there, that moment of "okay, that was unpleasant but is it really a big deal and is it really about me?". That moment of thinking about it seems to me to be the more healthy response to a little hurt feeling or annoyance over something seemingly small and out of the blue.
But my pendulum remembers what it was like to stay silent... because I had to. And now my instinct is to NOT do that no matter what. And so, stopping to pause, to think through "how important is this to bring up RIGHT NOW?" is really hard.
My Owner gave me the idea for a simple way to sort of mentally rate what I'm feeling at that moment and I think it simplifies it in a way that is easier to grab hold of, mentally:
Does it need to be brought up at all, or is it something I can let pass (giving benefit of the doubt - maybe just a grumpy moment, etc)
If I really feel like it needs to be brought up/talked about, can I bring it up a little bit later once I've had some time to think about it?
Is it so urgent that I really need to bring it up right now?
The point is that by the time I've thought about it long enough to rate the urgency, I've actually THOUGHT about it, which is the most important part. It sort of quells the knee-jerk defensive/protect myself response that is often overkill.
I have actually tried to begin practicing this and when I have remembered to go through this mental categorizing in the moment, it has worked beautifully. Ironically, each time I have categorized it, the feeling has been in the "not really necessary to bring it up at all" category. I can't describe how GOOD it feels five minutes later when the feeling is gone, nothing needed to be addressed, whatever unpleasant moment I had has passed, and I haven't picked a fight over something that ultimately wasn't that big of a deal.
The benefit isn't just mine. I love my Owner and I trust my Owner, and when I take the time to not jump immediately to "defend" myself, I am showing that trust - and am rewarded by discovering that in the end - there is often not anything that needs to be defended. Just regular human stuff.... and no matter how tough and strong She is, my Owner ... my Daddy... She is also still human. :)
3 comments:
Can I just say that the picture in this post is just absolutely stunning! I love it.
i can relate to that feeling you're talking about-- that urgency to have any little hurt explained, or to explain yourself why you've been hurt. one idea that helped me relax and feel that need a little less was thinking about how much i love the person in question and how it would be nice of me to give them a break once in a while. it's scary to do, much scarier than i ever imagined it would be, but it does make me feel like a good, understanding partner/friend/relative when i can manage it. over time, i have learned that allowing that space helps luke in particular to then come back and give me the affection or understanding that i would have been demanding if i *had* spoken up. when i ease off, he actually gives it without me even asking.
oh, but it is hard to do. i can totally relate.
Aww, thank you luna for the compliment on the photo!! :)
persephone - It's nice to know I'm not alone in experiencing that. :) I completely agree that when I am successful at 'giving Her a break', She often (as Luke) comes back and provides me with whatever I would have needed, anyway, and with a lot less stress on both our parts!
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