Listening vs. Talking (aiming for a 60/40 split)
How "mentally preparing" for next point interferes with listening
Conversations, particularly ones with high emotions or anger involved used to be a battleground for me where my only ammunition was to get as much out as I possibly could in the very short time I was allowed to speak. This is past 'stuff' and, in its own way: ancient history.
And yet, it's - like so many things - programming.
Put me in a tense situation and my 'instinct' is to talk and not stop until I absolutely have to because, historically, I wouldn't get a chance again once I did. Once I was made to stop talking, it was over and I had 'lost' the battle.
This information is important to keep in mind when processing "listening". Because of the way I approached difficult conversations because of this programming, I would often spend the entire time (or at least a majority) someone else was speaking or telling me how they feel , preparing my 'case'. What was I going to say and how was I going to say it to have the greatest impact.
Maybe I should have been a lawyer.... *grin*
Seriously, though, it takes a very conscious effort for me to stop and really listen. That is why I want to try to keep in mind a goal to allow for at least a 60/40 split of listening/talking. I want to AIM to listen more than I talk. I don't succeed so often, but I'm working on it.
Like so many other things, this is becoming easier as my Owner tirelessly works with me on just this. She has a knack of showing just enough vulnerability to make it clear She is saying something important while not allowing me to try to control the situation. This has given me safe space for practicing my listening skills in these tense situations.
More and more I find that when I simultaneously stop talking AND stop planning what I need to say next, that I actually hear Her and something productive happens. It's the listening that is the magic 'cure' when there is a disagreement with someone I love. When I am caught up in doing the talking, I am convinced that if I say ... just the right thing... it will be over and there will be no more cause for a disagreement. But, that never works. The talking always seems to just make things more confusing or more complicated. It is the listening that gives me time and space to really think and to find a way through the confusion and it is almost always a clear path, well-lit with understanding and truth.
Amazing, that.
2 comments:
I can totally agree with your Owner's way of thinking. i too talk far more than listening. When i stop listening because i am trying to form a snappy comeback, i usually loose out on a lesson learned, or something poignant. However, when i am working hard to just stop and listen, nothing else, Wifey's and my bond grows; from my utter respect to just hear Her, and her wisdom,and my allowing my true need to not to take over to fall to the wayside. It is hard work indeed when you always want to be heard. i have found one of the ways to find my submission, is to shut down my voice. then, i hear many things! you're blog has taught me a lot, and i really enjoy your insight. if you have time, please feel free to stop by mine, "stubbornpet." i can always use help and advice from women who have been listening to themselves longer than i have. have a great new year's! lilly
hi lilly! :) Nice to 'meet' you here. It sounds like your Wifey and you have a very nurturing and healing sort of dynamic which I really relate to as much of my submission and slavery relates directly to becoming a better/stronger me. :)
I'll stop by your blog....
Have a great new year, too!
~alena
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