"Let Me in."

"Come here." my Owner commanded as I stood in front of Her, the two of us alone for the first time in.... a long time. She snapped Her fingers and pointed at the place in front of Her feet and I hesitated, almost nervous, or perhaps it was something else. But I did kneel.

There was something about the look in Her eyes that I could feel - an intensity and a time for seriousness. I responded to that energy, almost subconsciously, as I felt myself begin to settle into the flow between us - Her assertion of power and my surrendering of it.

My Owner asked for each ankle and wrist in turn, attaching the neoprene cuffs that, while less exciting to look at than many other similar devices, serve their purpose nicely. She pulled out the lavender collar and asked me, "Who owns You, little girl?" as I tipped my head forward resting my throat against the supple leather.

"You do, Syr." I whispered in reply as She buckled it snugly behind me. Moments later, She clipped one end of the chain leash to my collar and I gasped as she hung the cold chain down my back.

I was silent, contemplative and sinking steadily into slave-space as She retrieved the nipple clamps, also connected to one another by a cool chain and again I gasped in wordless complaint as I felt the chain against my chest but I held my breath when She attached the clamps to each nipple. I felt, fully adorned. It isn't often that I am granted the opportunity to be decorated in this way for my Owner and I felt it intensely, the surrender of self becoming closer to the forefront of my mind.

With a hand against my back, Syr pressed me forward until I was in my 'down' position, forehead and knees on the floor, ass high. I feel so exposed in this position but this feeling was magnified a hundred times by the accessories I wore and especially the chain dangling between my nipples, the weight of the clamps pulling on them by the position I was in.

I heard my Owner put on a latex glove and I trembled, lightly as I listened to the sound of the lube being squeezed onto Her finger. I had little time to think before Her finger was pressing against my anus, the position I was in allowing me little option for resistance though I unconsciously tightened.

She began slowly, pressing Her slippery, gloved finger against this most private opening, in small pulses. She slid Her finger in and the smoothness of the latex and the slipperiness of the lube made it easy and I felt suddenly very invaded and very owned. Her finger moved inside me more insistently and I whimpered against the feeling of being claimed in this way. She crooned to me to relax as She continued to move inside me.

"Let me in, little girl" She growled and I automatically relaxed further, letting Her finger slide easily. "Good girl", She crooned and I whimpered - simultaneously wishing it to never stop and wondering when it would. I love this sensation but can't admit it in the moment because if an inherent sensation of guilt or shame - yet I trust my Owner and the feeling of surrender I experience when we play in this way is all encompassing and ultimately it wins out.

"What are you thinking about?" She asked me and I whimpered, words lost on me.... I couldn't form coherent sentences let alone let Her know what I was thinking. "Are You thinking about how it might feel if this was My cock instead of My finger, little girl?" Syr asked provocatively but I couldn't answer Her. Yes, I was thinking of Her cock in my ass.... and I felt so dirty for thinking it - but I was. I felt so overwhelmed by something so small as Her finger, how would Her cock feel? But most of all it was the steady insistence of Her finger as it slid in and out of me so smoothly that kept distracting me. I felt owned. "Good girl...." She whispered again as She moved Her finger away and pressed the small butt plug into my ass in its place. Once situated, I felt filled and utterly submissive.

She had me sit up then and I looked up at Her, feeling so floaty and owned and fully surrendered, and, after removing the nipple clamps, Syr replaced Her gloves, and had me open an individually sealed alcohol swab. I glanced next to Her and saw the needles.... and shakily opened the package for Her.

She swabbed the front of my left breast and waisted little time opening the first needle and positioning it against the small bit of skin She held pinched with Her other hand. In one swift motion, She pierced my skin and I gasped, feeling the first surge of endorphins course through me. Too much skin sat between the base and tip of the needle and She had to pull back and re pierce and that stung even more, making me hiss through my teeth. The second one went in and again needed a slight adjustment, but thankfully, Syr seemed satisfied with the third.

She handed me another swab to open and swabbed my right breast, this side didn't require any re piercings and by the time the third needle on the right was in, I was very floaty, almost meditative.

Syr offered me my choice of colour from some embroidery floss laid out next to Her. I don't remember picking a colour but I wasn't very focused and She pulled out some black floss and began winding it carefully between the needles. She created a criss-cross corset-like pattern connecting my two breasts. I had to pay attention to my posture as any slouching would cause the floss to slacken. Satisfied with the lacing, She added a second colour - pink - for highlights on Her work before tying it off. The effect was very pretty, and the ornamental decoration of the floss made me feel very objectified in the most delicious kind of way.

Finished with the needles, Syr clipped my wrist cuffs together behind my back. This was helpful for my posture as it pulled my breasts slightly apart. Unloosing my leash from my collar, Syr had me stand and led me by my leash to another room where She gestured me down to my knees. She settled me there, re-clipped the handle of the leash to my collar and made sure I would be okay before letting me know She would be right back - and that I was not to move.

I remember sitting there, swaying... floating, and being so still as I listened to Her move to another room. I had little awareness of time passing, though later on I realized She had been gone longer than the short time it felt like (though probably only five minutes, if that).

When She came back, She stood very close behind me and I felt Her denim clad legs against my back. Her hands stroked lightly across my shoulders and then Her right hand curled around to the front of my throat, the barest touch arching me back against Her. She unclasped my wrist cuffs, freeing my arms for movement and within seconds Her right hand had moved up from my throat to clamp tightly over my nose and mouth.

I was so surrendered to Her at this moment, so fully encompassed in trust that I didn't move, nor try to breathe, I just sank into the sensation. Syr tried to startle me, to cause me to instinctively gasp for breath but I was much too softened for that and then She whispered in my ear, "let me feel you struggle, little girl..." and I brought my awareness forward again, and tried to take a single breath. The lack of air flowing into my lungs allowed me to relax into the struggle and my hands reached behind me, grabbing at Her legs and higher.... finding the thick hardness of Her cock and holding on tight as She held firm, keeping me from any chance at a breath for several moments before pulling me back against Her and letting go.

She moved in front of me and, my leash held firm in Her hands and I leaned back, partly intentionally and partly because I was just so lost in a sea of sensation. She was worried that the leash wasn't secure and grabbed my collar, Her fist curled against the front of my throat and I really leaned back this time, letting my body go slack. I felt, for a moment, as if I were flying - so completely surrendered to trust, knowing I was safe in my Owner's grasp.

I blinked, and realized that my Owner's cock seemed so close, no longer hidden beneath blue denim but exposed, and Syr's hands curled in my hair, pulling me closer as my mouth opened to take Her in. I moaned loudly around Her cock, loving the way it slid along my tongue, nudging at the back of my throat and Syr's hands tightened even more in my hair, pressing Her cock deep and then moving Her hips slowly - fucking my mouth. My hands reached up to grab onto Her jeans, holding onto Her pockets as if they were handles, as She encouraged me - "Show Me how much you want My cock, slave", She ordered and I obeyed as I hungrily sucked Her cock. I took it deep and swirled my tongue lavishly around the head, whimpering as She drove hard into my mouth until, suddenly, she pulled Her cock away and I mewed softly at the sudden emptiness between my lips.

"Ask Me to fuck you." She ordered, and I obeyed, the words coming easily - so lost in desire was I, and She pushed my back, forcing me down and forward onto my knees, and I noticed the slack of the embroidery threads between the piercings in my breasts. Everywhere I could move my awareness within my body was lit up with sensation. Syr reached behind me and pressed the button on the plug still snug in my ass to turn it on and the vibrations lit up the sensitivity inside me as I heard Her apply lube to Her cock, already slightly moistened from the tongue bath it had just received.

In seconds, Her cock was buried deep inside of me and I was lost. There was nothing outside of this time with my Owner, this surrender. I was claimed and lost and hungry and filled. In mere moments, I was begging to cum. She granted my wish and I came hard, filled and overwhelmed and shuddering I came again... and again... until She finally granted me reprieve and I, shuddering, sobbing, unable to move, collapsed at Her feet.

Syr touched me gingerly, removed the plug from my ass, the needles from my breasts, and the cuffs from my ankles and wrists. After helping me to clean up, She snuggled me close to Her. It was some time before I could open my eyes, and it was some time after that before I could even attempt to walk. I crawled a fair bit in the hour or two following.

I slept in my Owner's collar all night and She did not remove it until nearly noon the following day. What a glorious night.

One of those days...

Have you ever had one of those days? You know the kind, I'm sure, where you're just sort of going through the motions, floating through your day, all as it just whizzes by you...

And then, suddenly, a thought or a word or a ... something... catches you off guard and brings you back to the moment.

That was me, today, at work. I was just working my way through the day, somewhat roboticly, and then it was lunchtime. I like to take some me-time during my lunch hour which I usually spend doing yoga with my coworker in one of our meeting rooms. Well, today I was on my own for lunch and so I decided I would do some gentle yoga and some meditating. I put my "yoga in progress" sign on the door which always ensures uninterrupted quiet time in the meeting room, laid out my mat, changed into my yoga clothes, and got myself into a nice seated posture. After 15 minutes or so, I still felt like I was going through the motions. My heart and mind just weren't into it. I laid down into a final resting pose and tried some guided meditation. This seemed to be going well until I realized I was chilly, so I pulled my towel over my chest and shoulders.

Even after warming up under the towel, though, I realized that my nipples were as hard as rocks! They were just straining against the material of my bra and against the snug-fitting yoga top I was wearing. I was annoyed by this at first, but they were so hard they were tingling, so I 'accidentally' brushed them with my palms. That felt pretty good.... too good. I enjoy attention on my nipples but it is VERY mood-based. It either feels really good or it feels a little off and it's very rarely anything in between. This was a feel-good day for nipple play so I started pinching them, rolling them between my fingers, squeezing them as hard as I could. And I could feel these little sharp sensations coursing through my body as if my nipples had a direct connection to my clit.

The more I teased, pinched, pulled, and rolled my nipples, the braver I got. I was all alone in there, after all, and the yoga sign was up. If my hand snuck a little lower, discretely... I shook myself, I was at work after all. But, the ache just wasn't going away. I was on my yoga mat somewhat behind a desk so even if the door suddenly opened.... I wouldn't be seen right away. I pulled my towel down from my chest to drape over my hips and thighs and my hand snuck down my pants, fingers slipping into my panties where I found my clit - desperate for attention.

I would play, I told myself, but I won't cum. Daddy wouldn't like it if I came without permission... but some part of me thought Daddy MIGHT actually enjoying hearing about what Her brave and naughty little girl had done at work today..... and thinking about that fueled the fire and before I knew it my fingers were tracing lazy but firm circles around my clit. And soon after that, lost in fantasy, my fingers were moving faster. My orgasm snuck up on me, caught me off guard, and I pulled my hand away in surprise. It's not usually so easy for me to get myself off without assistance! I knew I needed to stop and I focused hard on putting my thoughts on something more harmless. I'm a multiple-orgasm girl. I'm like a VERY multiple-orgasm girl. Stopping after one is sort of like driving a Lamborghini at 60mph on the Autobahn. I'm left with lingering need.... and lots of it.

But that didn't change the fact that I had to confess...

Punished

Thursday, I had a very bad day at work.

It seemed like everything was going wrong all around me and I was just scrambling to keep up, totally powerless to actually fix anything that was broken. I was frustrated, and REALLY grumpy.

I knew I was in a bad mood, so I was trying to shake it off during the drive home, coaching myself on how NOT to take it out on Syr in light of my bad habit of subconsciously picking fights with my Owner when I'm feeling bad about something else. If I'm being consciously aware and trying not to do that, I often succeed.

I tried to be quiet when I came in, and just putz about doing my usual wind-down routine. And then some little tiny thing annoyed me and I didn't keep my mouth shut about it. Ten minutes later and I know I've stepped out of line. Thirty seconds after that, I'm upstairs on the bed, crying. That moment, right when I realize I've messed up, must be the WORST moment ever. I knew I needed to pick myself up and move on, and was in the process of reaching for the bedroom door to go downstairs, when Syr came in, shutting the door behind Her.

"Are you done wallowing?" She asked and I nodded silently in reply.

"On your knees." She ordered and I looked at Her for just the briefest of moments, puzzled. "Now", She followed up and I did.

"Down." She said as She touched the back of my head, making it clear that I was to go into quiet time position: kneeling, curled over with forehead to the floor and arms stretched out in front of me. I was still close to tears haven just stopped crying moments before and could feel close all over again as I listened to the sound of Her moving to the foot of the bed. Suddenly alarmed I started to sit up to see what She was doing but Syr ordered me back down again.

She pulled my pants and panties down over my hips, exposing my bottom and I whimpered. Having my pants and panties pulled down (but still *on*) in this manner always has a potent effect on me. It makes me feel very humble and contrite as it's something I associate with punishment and this time - even more so.

"It doesn't matter how bad of a day you've had, you are NOT allowed to come home and take it out on me. Am I understood, slave?" my Owner says to me as She delivers four sharp slaps to my bottom.

"Yes, Syr." I replied sofly, tears starting to fall again.

She sat on the bed nearby and said "Come here."

I crawled over, kneeling at Her feet and burying my tear-stained cheeks against Her chest as She held me.

"Now, apologize for your behaviour." She whispered.

"I'm sorry, Syr," I whispered

"Will you be more aware of your behaviour for the remainder of the evening?"

"Yes, Syr." I answered, feeling wholly contained and also - forgiven.

Mere moments later we were chatting away doing our usual after-work thing, and no lingering emotional 'hangover' type effects remained from earlier. As my friend last weekend had described, punishment after a conflict actually provided a great deal of comfort and closure without hours of processing and/or lingering guilt. Instead, I felt firmly in my place - and very aware of my behaviour and able to let my bad mood of the day go.

My Owner and I had a very pleasant evening, afterward.

Asserting Her Ownership

Hmm, this whole asserting Her ownership more often thing is interesting. It's good and it's tough but it's mostly good.... and tough.

She's pulling rank on a lot of little things that She never used to. It's giving me pause, reminding me to check myself and.... to some degree bringing in a bit of testing. It sounds twisted, and I am fairly confident there's few who would agree with me, but the testing (to me) is a good sign. I'm feeling these new boundaries out - getting to know where they are, how close they're squeezing in on me and She's holding strong. The fact that I'm finding myself subconsciously testing means that I'm taking these changes seriously - not just seeing them as a phase.

A couple of times already this week, I have been in a ornery mood. I've been grumpy (read: hormonal) and touchy and a couple of times could have easily really gotten going on picking a fight. But She didn't hesitate to remind me that She owns me and I'm not allowed to do that and it nipped it in the bud.

This evening, after work, I had another such moment, and in hindsight it was clear that Syr was at least a little pissed off or grumpy about it and She didn't immediately or obviously assert Her Ownership but I still paused and checked myself - and I credit that pause to the more frequent reminders in general that are keeping my submission closer to the forefront of my mind.

I'm still in observation mode, to a degree, and still figuring out what this will mean for us long-term, but I'm liking the freedom that these new boundaries are providing me.

Punishment

Saturday evening, Syr and I were at a friend's house, just relaxing and getting caught up with one another.

My friend had recently had a nice visit with her Daddy and I was eager to hear all about it. In relaying some of her experiences to me, she shared a story that involved a punishment she'd received as a result of bad behaviour and the way it made her feel so loved and safe - and I started to cry of all things. Now, mind you, I was a bit hormonal at the time so the tears were probably unnecessary, but I was actually moved.

As I'm sure those of you who read my blog know, I do a lot of self-work. I do a lot of hard self-analyzing and processing to better myself, primarily for myself - through my submission to my Owner. The work is the necessary road for me regardless of what kind of a relationship I find myself in, but the relationship I share with my Owner, Daddy... Wife.... is the vehicle I choose to travel in and it is the one that affords me the safety, security, and tools that make the trip a bit easier to manage.

But, in the end, I am often hardest on myself. When I do something that I feel is wrong on a fundamental level, not just when considering the power-exchange dynamic of my relationship, I am often plagued by guilt and self-doubt for (often) days after the 'thing' that happened. And what my friend was relaying was how her Daddy had employed a two part method for dealing with a similar situation. She was out of line, and he did something to catch her attention in a major way DURING the episode, and let her know that they would be dealing with it later. And later, after tempers had cooled, and clear-headedness prevailed a punishment was delivered - with an accompanying caveat: after the punishment was done, so was whatever had happened. It had been dealt with and it was time to move on. At that point, there is a clean slate.

I know that what moved me was the way that I know that this adds a completion to whatever happens. And I felt a desperate longing for something similar. I know that comparing isn't always the best thing - and ultimately I also know that by sharing my thoughts and emotions about this with my Owner that She is not obligated to do anything about it, nor will She feel that i am topping from the bottom - even if I outright ask for it. So I feel safe in processing and talking about the way it affected me. So - back to the desperate longing.... that was where the tears came from.

My Owner and I are learning how to live our dynamic day by day, moment by moment. I had the 'lifestyle' experience of the two of us, but when it comes to full time, 24/7, and fitting it in with parenting and work and the mundane realities of a life together that is about more than sex and a good flogging once a week - we both came into it as newbies.

We've both gotten really good at dealing with conflicts and finding ways to work on some of my negative communication and conflict patterns... and have made genuine progress. But one thing sort of seemed to be an ah ha moment for both of us and that is that we have built a lot of tools into the actual 'conflict' itself to make that easier and we do a good job of processing it after the fact, determining the root causes of that particular conflict, and making sure there is a lesson learned and something to think about for next time. But then I seem to be left with lingering feelings of... well.. badness... afterward. The idea of having a punishment delivered, with the intention of sort of putting the 'bow' on the wrapped package, seems to feel like something that would afford closure to each event and be both simultaneously cathartic and reassuring. I wouldn't want something like that if it was from a negative "i'm a bad person and deserve a punishment" place, but what I realized is that a punishment is sort of my opportunity to have a symbolic method of truly letting it go, knowing it hasn't caused damage to our marriage and relationship and forgiving myself as well as really accepting that I've been forgiven. There's a lot of appeal in that.

I also know that my Owner takes punishment seriously. She doesn't punish me with something I enjoy. If I receive spanking or any other form of corporal punishment, it is done in a way that the emotional impact is clearly punitive and not something I find pleasurable. When She mentioned Saturday night the idea of having some sort of easy to unroll mat or thin camping mattress that She could pull out to have me sleep on the floor, I know that it was a candidate for just such a punishment. I can think of a few other things She would tend to gravitate towards as well, none of them pleasant. So that part is a little bit scary but I also think would be really good for me.

Syr mentioned that She thinks She should do more little things to assert Her ownership throughout, otherwise mundane or busy day to day type activities - nothing overt, but little reminders. She's done a bit more of that even for the last four or five days and the result seems to be that I am more relaxed, behaving in a more trusting way, and pretty much just staying really ... really.... little.

I like it.

Weekend Snippets

Thursday night, She ravished me and I can still feel the way that my Owner slowly, deliberately and agonizingly pressed Her cock deep inside of me until it pressed against my cervix for long moments of combined pain and pleasure. She usually takes me with a driving intensity and force, ravaging me until I beg for the mercy of an orgasm. This was different. She moved slowly, but intensely. I remember the way She made me stay still, reminding me - "Take what you are given, slave" - when I would arch up for more or whimper for Her to move more quickly. But then, something shifted and I was surrendering and floating and content to let her torment me in this way as long as She desired while I gave in to the luxurious intensity of the slowness. She moved this way inside of me until She shuddered with orgasm and then, only then, ordered my release.

Last night, we spent the afternoon and evening with a kink/lifestyle-friendly friend and I got some much needed time to really just be in my role. I got rather hyper enjoying this rare opportunity to just let go and had a few bratty moments. But I also got some lovely reminders and some conversations opened the doors to new revelations and understandings. Most of all, I had some quality time at Syr's feet, my cheek resting on Her knee. Those moments are pure bliss. Then, at bedtime, She teased about me sleeping on the floor, but I was feeling so little, I took Her literally and was prepared to sleep on the floor. I wasn't sure how I felt about it; it was late and I was a bit sleepy, but the resulting conversation left me feeling very Owned and cared for. A lot of the conversation revolved around punishment for arguments that get out of hand (on my part, attitude-wise) and the benefit that has even when I have already learned my lesson. There is a cleansing feeling that goes along with it and we had a really enlightening conversation about that. I fell asleep feeling very secure and safe, and grateful that I was falling asleep in my Owner's arms.

Today, I spent the whole day feeling my place acutely.

Missing Daddy...

I was away recently, on a necessary trip - alone - to attend the memorial service of the afore mentioned beloved friend I recently lost.

In many ways, the trip was about healing for me. It was a time for remembering and processing, for crying and singing. Many of the feelings that I spent the weekend sorting through were highly personal.

The friend that passed away was not someone Daddy ever had the chance to get to know, and so naturally there were some roadblocks in really sharing my grief with Her or turning to Her for comfort - though of course She was wonderfully understanding and supportive of my grieving process.

Going alone was originally a choice made out of necessity. And while there were many moments within the three days I was gone when I wished for nothing more than Daddy's strong arms around me, holding me or Her shoulder to lean my head on, I found that ultimately it was necessary for my own personal healing to go it alone.

This left me with an interesting feeling. I didn't really miss Daddy the way I thought I would (or should?) and while I know this was a good and healthy thing, I felt a pressing need to tell Her this. She totally understood, even laughed, and said sometimes we just need a break, and that it's totally ok. I get what She meant. Sometimes, it's nice to have some alone time or some time where your responsibilities to your partner aren't at the forefront.

But - for me, this time, it was about something more than that. It was about letting myself really FEEL the grief and the pain on my own. It was about holding those emotions, releasing them, working my way through them (not suppressing them) and reminding myself that I am capable of doing this with or without a Daddy right next to me to lean on. In this way, it was really empowering.

I am grateful to have a Daddy, an Owner, a Syr, and a best friend in my Wife. She is my partner in so many things and I feel we have a very close, fully open, and overwhelmingly trusting relationship. In all ways, I feel that my relationship with Her empowers me and helps me to grow into my potential. But, it's nice to have some reminders that I really have grown, really have gotten to a healthier place than I was even as recently as five years ago.

I felt proud of myself and when I got home and hugged and kissed Her, I had this all encompassing feeling of personal pride. It was if I had taken "being a good girl" to a whole new level.

So maybe I didn't miss Daddy, in the ways I thought I would, while I was away. But - I sure did make Daddy proud!

Gratitude

Had a moment today where I was being ungrateful.

Daddy had me in Her thoughts and had done something kind but I was nitpicking. I was frustrated with myself but I am glad I was able to see my behaviour clearly (and speedily) and rectify the situation.

I love it when She does nurturing things and I need to remember to show Her my appreciation when She does.

I love You, Daddy, and thank You - I really do appreciate You!

Daddy's Clothes

Her jeans fit perfectly, sitting just below Her waistline, and my eyes roam over the snug black tee shirt that She wears, tucked in, with a button down shirt hanging open on top of it.

My eyes trace Her body, falling to the untied laces of Her heavy brown leather boots. Falling to my knees in front of Her, I tie each boot in turn, unable to resist a shy glance up at Her but quickly blush and look away again when my eyes meet Hers.

Standing once more, I reach forward and carefully button Her shirt, avoiding the intensity of Her gaze. I step back to review my work and ensure that everything is in order. Wistfully, I eye Her waistline. The only thing that would add to the experience is a belt.

After my assessment, She closes the gap between us and kisses me, claiming me, as I surrender to Her embrace. Neither of us have spoken a word.

Moments later, we're in the car headed out to run some errands, my right and Her left hand comfortably clasped between us.

It's just another day, but the moment shared just seconds before is no less powerful for it's transience.

Growth in Service: "What's Done is Done"

Explaining reasoning does not negate/erase feelings (or "what's done is done")

Ask, don't tell Owner what Her feelings are

Waiting for the answer after asking a question

Not defending/countering

Accepting the answer given as the only sane choice

How NOT doing these things invalidates Owner's feelings/emotions

I'm doing this as one entry because all these things relate to each other pretty intimately, i believe, and because this came up in a calm but frustrating conflict between my Owner and I just this evening. But I'll break it up bit by bit.

Explaining reasoning does not negate/erase feelings (or "what's done is done")

This is one of my BIGGEST battles. Okay, maybe I say that a lot but I think this is really true and is the root (and thus the heading) of many conflicts. Once there is an unpleasant emotion (read previous entry on that issue), I try to 'correct' things. My attempt to correct is fear-driven. I don't like feeling that someone is having a negative emotion towards or about me (who does?) and so I try to make it go away. When I write it out like that, it sounds really ridiculous and futile - and wholly illogical. But in my mind - in the moment - it is a very logical and analytical sort of step to take.

If (for example) my Owner seems frustrated with me about the way I expressed myself about something - then it would serve my logical purposes at the moment to explain that whatever is causing Her frustration was a misunderstanding because I certainly didn't mean to come across in a frustrating way. Except, the thing is that I get very, very determined to PROVE that I did nothing (at least intentionally) to cause the negative emotion - therefore the negative emotion need not be there.

Um, do you see the problem here? Once a negative emotion is experienced, I can't erase it by explaining away whatever led to it (whether by excuse or apology) but I don't think it's possible to explain just how desperately I want to do JUST that. *sigh*

This is a driving thing and something that needs to be worked on a lot more on my part. Once the negative emotion is there - whether I agree with it or not, whether I think it should exist or not, whether I think I am to BLAME for it or not - it's still there. I can not (and dear Goddess I should not be trying to) explain it away!!

Ask, don't tell Owner what Her feelings are

I've made a lot of progress on this but I have to constantly check myself. I used to, quite regularly, assume that my Owner was angry or frustrated or annoyed at me and would state this presumptively within a conflict or conversation and this would upset my Owner. Interestingly, having someone assume what I am thinking or feeling really irks me in a big way, so I really understand how annoying this behaviour is and have been trying to curb it. I still catch myself doing it sometimes or trying to find different (softer) words but still stating my Owner's feelings rather than asking.

This is in the outline because I really think this is a personal 'rule' I need to work on with myself. I need to remember to ASK (and never just state/tell) my Owner what She is thinking or feeling.

Not defending/countering

Remember the post about listening and, specifically, not interrupting? This is probably the worst habit I have in conflict and it is definitely rooted in the issue of believing on some level that I can make a negative thought go away by 'explaining' it away.

In a conflict, if I am interrupting - nine times out of ten it is with something like "I didn't say it like THAT" or "I didnt' mean it to come out that way..." or "I said ___ not ___" or.... (the list goes on... and on).

Almost every time I interrupt, it is an effort to defend or argue a point. Now, maybe that's true for everyone in conflicts, and it's probably pretty normal in the bigger picture of human interaction/arguments/conflicts. But, what bothers me about this behaviour is how HARD it is to stop myself. It takes a ridiculous amount of concentration and, dare I say, willpower just to keep myself silent without countering - and I mean that it takes that much work just to stop myself from arguing the most ridiculous of minute details just to avoid starting a side-argument over something dumb - oh yeah, and I often DON'T catch myself in time.

When it comes to 'countering', it seems that everything is up for grabs - even the tiniest of details, which in turn adds frustration to the entire interaction as my Owner struggles to just stick to the original point.

As with many of the other things within our arguments if I can remember to listen respectfully throughout the entire conversation, I will make more progress.

Accepting the answer given as the only sane choice

I've worded this one fairly strongly on purpose. When I ask a question, particularly one about opinion, what my Owner "means", what She 'feels', what Her opinion is, etc - the only SANE response is to accept the answer I am given.

It is not fair or appropriate (with anyone, let alone my Owner) to argue over Her opinions, feelings, or perceptions. If I ask "what do You want for dinner" and She says "spaghetti", it is not appropriate or polite to say "what about meatloaf?". We obviously never have that particular exchange but I think you get my drift. It's a very simple, foundational basic to remember to just accept the answers I am given without question. It doesn't mean I need to agree with every single thing - but it means that respecting my Owner's feelings, emotions, and opinions means not making Her have to justify them all the time.

I trust Her - and as I frequently remind myself - trust is the root of all of these things. When I remember to trust, I relax and the rest becomes a lot less like work and a lot more like natural communication.

How NOT doing these things invalidates Owner's feelings/emotions

And the point of all of this is that when I don't do the above things - I make my Owner feel badly. Not respecting Her feelings/emotions without question invalidates them and whether I agree with them or not or even whether I understand what caused them or not does not make them disappear. This obviously circles back to the first point - what's done is done.

If my Owner feels frustrated, that's Her right. And to remind myself from an earlier post, just because She feels frustrated does not mean it is up to me to "fix it", it is just up to me to respect it and be aware and respectful of Her needs, whether it be to discuss it or to back off from it (another thing I struggle with)

---

One interesting side-point that came up this evening was my Owner's warning about dropping something so that it NOT turn into an argument.

I have often interpreted this to mean "If we keep talking to each other, we will fight because you will do something to piss me off."

but ...

what i learned tonight is that what She means by this is "I'm getting upset/frustrated/angry (insert emotion) and need a break from this because I'm not feeling particularly objective and if we push the issue right now it WILL become an argument"

I actually NEVER took it that way. I have always taken that warning to mean that She somehow thinks I'm going to lose my cool or not be capable of talking about it rationally (cuz it's all about me right? geesh) and I have never stopped to consider that what She might mean is that SHE is not in the right headspace to continue rationally (or even mean that WE are not in the right headspace), but I don't think - in hindsight - that She has ever meant it as an accusation about my inability to be reasonable. Oops. Another thing I took personally and often 'defended' to the point of - well.. missing the point.

It just goes to show how big language things are. And, more importantly, it's a reminder to me to check myself and to work harder at not interpreting everything through the "how have I messed up or how am i being accused of messing up" filter. This filter is what gets me in trouble. Many times a comment or request or question is nothing to do with me and everything to do with where my Owner's head or emotions are at. Once again, not everything is about me. :)

~*~*~*~*~

Kitten recently posted about her Master's style of Zen Mastery which prompted A Subtle Slavegirl to post about it and in both the phrase that stood out - that seems to be the most potently 'felt' is this one -

"Surrender is a reaction. Submission is a decision."

Yeah, that! For me, this tied into all this work I feel like I am constantly doing to overcome my 'stuff', to be better at communicating, to overcome my dysfunctional patterns and past programming. Sometimes, I get so frustrated with all of the work that needs doing that I feel really broken - but it is not up to my Owner to accept me as is all the time without question - that is what leads to dysfunction (at least for me). It is not up to Her to 'fix' me either. It is not up to Her to constantly push me for this sort of growth. It is up to me to bring this to the table - to be willing to do the work to be a better person, wife, little girl, and slave. It is my decision to work on these things, on basics and on things that aren't so basic that makes it an act of submission and one that is beneficial to us both.

It's far easier to simply do what one is told than it is to bring something, with effort, to the relationship and put the work and energy behind it to make it work. It is the work and the active engagement on my part that makes, even this, an act of submission.

New Years Eve

In these last hours of 2009, I find myself reflecting upon my recent journeying. It isn't just this last year that is swirling around in my head but the last several.

It feels really amazing to look back and remember where I was and to feel so rooted in where I am now at the same time. The two seem so far apart. I spent so long being so lost. I looked for love in one place, romance in another (or not at all), family in another, passion in another, and submission/kink in yet another. No wonder I was so confused!

I just didn't realize that it was possible (and how greedy can one person be, anyway?) to find family, love, passion, romance, and the sweetest of surrenders in one place. But my Owner changed all of that.

With Her I have found the deepest trust I have ever experienced, the most complete and all-encompassing love, the most exciting passion that keeps me guessing all the time, the sweetest and most sincere romance, and the fullest and most complete surrender and submission.

She opens me up and peers into the darkest corners of my spirit and handles what She finds there with expert ease and tenderness. I am never unsafe with Her. I am often frightened - of losing Her or us, or of making too many mistakes or of driving Her away or of not being good enough and She reminds me that those sort of fears are normal - though unwarranted. And the thing is, with Her - I can believe that. I never could with anyone else I ever trusted with my heart because 'they' always failed to keep that promise.

My vow to my Wife and Hers to me were "forever" - and we bound ourselves to one another in this life and all lives to come, both being believers of reincarnation and our connection with each other. And the thing is, I believe this. I don't think I could if it wasn't the real deal.

The most amazing thing to me is all that I have learned so far, on this journey with Her. It has been 3 years (and then some) of marriage and I am so much more evolved and healthy as a person now then I was on our wedding day.

It's so funny - how giving up control and power and surrendering yourself to Another in trust and submission can make you stronger. But it does.

Well - it has for me, anyway.

Goodbye, 2009.

Hello, 2010. We have work to do.

Expectations

An interesting interaction between my Owner and I prompted this assignment...

I had been thinking about something naughty and hinting at this fact to Syr. Usually if She realizes that I am thinking about something 'interesting', She would prompt me to tell Her all about it, often times exerting at least a bit of Her authority to do so. What I wasn't actively thinking about was that I had actually painted a mental picture of how She would respond to my naughty reminiscing.

And while She responded with interest to the fact that I was thinking about something naughty, She did not respond in the precise way I had imagined (read: expected) that She would and I foolishly let my disappointment show.

Syr called me on it in a flash. I'd laid the ground work to 'get' a particular reaction. That could be called manipulation, micro-management, or setting Her up. There was no malicious intent, but I do adore the feeling of being 'made' to admit what is on my mind. I was just in the mood for that sort of interaction and so in a way I was trying to make it happen.

In doing this, I managed to trap my Owner in a rock/hard place situation. She could either cave and do what I was setting Her up to do - or She could not and then She deals with my disappointment or hurt feelings. Unfair.

She handled it well. She called me on it and I employed that whole listening thing to hear Her point of view and all points were valid. I wanted something and, whether intentional or not, tried to "make" Syr give it to me. Hm. Counter-productive, much? I think so!

Lesson learned. Syr reminded me that I need to work harder at not being so invested in a particular (and very specific) outcome when I act. This is such a healthy reminder in all areas of my life. I like, to some degree, knowing what to expect - there is an element of control to that - and so I try to do things to make sure I know what to expect.

The interesting thing is, that I often have the most wonderful time, the most REAL experiences when I let go of that, trust and just open up to whatever is going to happen. That is where the magic happens - not in the planning but in the humanity of the experience.

Ahh, the unknown. It can be sexy too.

Growth in service: Listening vs. Talking

Growth in Service

Listening vs. Talking (aiming for a 60/40 split)

How "mentally preparing" for next point interferes with listening

Conversations, particularly ones with high emotions or anger involved used to be a battleground for me where my only ammunition was to get as much out as I possibly could in the very short time I was allowed to speak. This is past 'stuff' and, in its own way: ancient history.

And yet, it's - like so many things - programming.

Put me in a tense situation and my 'instinct' is to talk and not stop until I absolutely have to because, historically, I wouldn't get a chance again once I did. Once I was made to stop talking, it was over and I had 'lost' the battle.

This information is important to keep in mind when processing "listening". Because of the way I approached difficult conversations because of this programming, I would often spend the entire time (or at least a majority) someone else was speaking or telling me how they feel , preparing my 'case'. What was I going to say and how was I going to say it to have the greatest impact.

Maybe I should have been a lawyer.... *grin*

Seriously, though, it takes a very conscious effort for me to stop and really listen. That is why I want to try to keep in mind a goal to allow for at least a 60/40 split of listening/talking. I want to AIM to listen more than I talk. I don't succeed so often, but I'm working on it.

Like so many other things, this is becoming easier as my Owner tirelessly works with me on just this. She has a knack of showing just enough vulnerability to make it clear She is saying something important while not allowing me to try to control the situation. This has given me safe space for practicing my listening skills in these tense situations.

More and more I find that when I simultaneously stop talking AND stop planning what I need to say next, that I actually hear Her and something productive happens. It's the listening that is the magic 'cure' when there is a disagreement with someone I love. When I am caught up in doing the talking, I am convinced that if I say ... just the right thing... it will be over and there will be no more cause for a disagreement. But, that never works. The talking always seems to just make things more confusing or more complicated. It is the listening that gives me time and space to really think and to find a way through the confusion and it is almost always a clear path, well-lit with understanding and truth.

Amazing, that.

Growth in Service: Allowing for normal human emotions

The outline is not forgotten. Syr asked me to write on two topics tonight. I chose to go in order, because I feel I have something to say on the next topic on the list:

Growth in Service

Conflict

Checklist

Allowing for normal human emotions (angry vs. grumpy, etc)

I have a really hard time with "negative" emotions. Positive ones are simple, easy to process.

Joy, pride, love, desire are all emotions that make me feel good about myself and whatever interaction or experience I am having. Anger, frustration, sadness, hurt feelings, grumpiness, annoyance are all emotions that make me feel badly about myself and whatever I'm experiencing.

I think that, just in writing that short paragraph that I've learned something. I take everything personally. Someone may be angry or grumpy or sad and I almost immediately think that it is about me or because of me. Newsflash - not everything is about me. It seems like a simple idea/concept and yet it isn't. I'm prone to sensitivities. I take it onto myself to ensure the happiness and contentedness of the people I love when I am around them. And yet, it really isn't my responsibility to ensure that the people I love are happy at all times.

Within reason, it is reasonable for me to expect myself to see to my Owner's comforts and to make Her life easier where possible. That is service. But to take personal responsibility for every emotion that She feels is not service, nor is it something that She expects of me.

I think that this is likely the root of much of my panic when someone near to me is exhibiting an unpleasant emotion. The reality of life is that yes - sometimes I've irritated someone or done something to hurt someone's feelings. But I don't seem to know how to process it if that happens. It's a work in progress and... I feel as if I have been making progress, a lot of it.

This has been something I've been working on for a while now, under my Owner's instructions. Now, more than ever before I am better able to step back from a situation and recognize that not every unpleasant emotion is a big deal. I'm better able, now, to decipher between grumpy and angry. Before, those two seemed and felt the same. Sometimes, my Owner is grumpy because of something that has nothing to do with me and sometimes She is grumpy because of something I contributed to. But I don't automatically jump to the conclusion that She's angry at me. I still sometimes think along those lines but it isn't my first thought every time like it used to be.

An interesting byproduct of this is that I'm better able to put my own emotions in their proper place. I'm better able to tell when I'm just being grouchy or if I'm feeling an emotion that actually NEEDS to be dealt with by confronting someone or something.

Emotions aren't black and white but a thousand shades of grey. I'm learning more and more about this all the time. It makes me a better slave, a better wife, a better friend... but most of all, a better me.

Sad day

Today just feels like a sad day.

When I got up this morning I tried to ground myself in service by cleaning the kitchen, unloading and reloading the dishwasher and hand-scrubbing some pots. When Daddy got up, I made Her coffee and then curled up and didn't do much else for the rest of the day.

Daddy knows today is hard and when I took Her to work, I asked if there was anything I should do. She told me to take a long bubble bath so I'm going to do that after posting this.

Hoping tomorrow is better!

Massage and Tears

I gave my Owner a massage tonight, working my hands deep into the knots on Her back and shoulders where She holds all of Her tension.

We were watching a movie at the time, which had some sad bits. The sad bits combined with the meditativeness of working on Her muscles loosed something and I had what feels like my first 'productive' cry over the loss of my dear friend.

Not just a sad, helpless crying - but a deep wrenching sobbing. Sounds depressing - but that was a different kind of cry that I really needed, and was followed by some talking and processing and more tears - but there is movement. I feel a bit less locked up, though still really hurting.

My Owner held me and let me cry and be sad and also helped talk to me and one thing stood out to me, for some reason - the way that She kept Her eyes locked on mine. She sat in front of me and I could feel Her eyes staying solidly on me, and I felt safe and held by Her gaze.

I am loved.

Simple Service

Sometimes, service is simple.

It's a holiday and things don't go quite the same when there are so many different things swirling all around us. But, still, there is something to said for quietly assisting my Owner with the turkey or making Her coffee in the morinng - even today. There is something to be said for taking a moment away from what is going on my own head to offer something up and to be mindful of Her needs.

Today has been difficult since the excitement and distraction of presents and stockings as I deal with the pain of loss, but even here, within this - there is service. I think today I have been acutely aware of how much those little things can matter, particularly when I'd really rather just be curled up in a corner paying attention to no one but myself while I process.

It really is about staying grounded, staying sane, and not losing sight of the important things because my heart hurts.

My Owner has been gentle and supportive and understanding of me being wherever I need to be - and I love Her so much.

Wrecked...

I got some really bad news yesterday - the loss of someone very dear to me. I am not myself, but in some way I find enormous comfort in my submission. I fear that I am at risk of becoming so overwhelmed by emotions that I just don't do anything. Doing some chores and keeping up the expectations my Owner has of me during my time off of work will be a healthy outlet I think.

One of these expectations is to update this blog daily. I missed yesterday but had begun a post which I will finish - see below...

----

My Owner has been a ravenous beast the last few days, and I am certainly not complaining! Sunday night... well... you've already read about Sunday night!

As it just so happens, my beloved Owner really... REALLY liked reading about the events of Sunday night! She was in a Mood when I got home and ordered me upstairs where She proceeded to ravish me again!

She proceeded to use me quite thoroughly again on Tuesday night....

And Wednesday afternoon, it all culminated in an afternoon romp whereupon She stripped me bare, filled me with the Nexus plug in my ass, the Smartballs in my cunt and the Layaspot vibe against my clit and layed me, face down, on the bed where She gave me the most mindblowing spanking and caning of my life. Filled like that, I was simply immobilized. I couldn't squirm (well, I could but it was pretty overwhelming when I tried, so I didn't). And when She ordered it, as She spanked me ever harder, I came - my whole body exploding as She paddled my ass so hard with Her bare hands.

Four solid days of hot, hot sex and I am a very contented slave, in that way, with the marks to prove it.

And, my Owner? She is a 'tudmuffin!

Good Girl/Bad Girl

Daddy started a system of discipline for me not very long ago and the system came with a couple of basic rules.

I'm not allowed to chew or pick at my fingernails/cuticles/lip (bad nervous habit) nor am I allowed to swear or use bad gestures.

The system is two jars. I start the week with one filled with 600 pennies or $6.00, symbolically. Throughout the week, every time I break one of the rules or other arbitrary ones (poor attitude, pouting inappropriately, etc), Daddy tells me to take out however many pennies that She decides that particular transgression should cost me out of the Good Girl Jar and move them over to the Bad Girl Jar.

My good girl jar is covered in little fairy stickers and my bad girl jar has silly monster stickers on it. Then, at the end of the week, I have however much money as I do pennies in the good girl jar that I can spend on silly things just for me. I like that I always start out the week with my Good Girl Jar full!

I use my good girl money for things like apps for my ipod touch or treats or other things. It works really well and has started to work even when i'm not around Daddy. I swear a lot less now, even my friends have noticed!

Most especially, it is nice to have a way to have consistent discipline even when we're not alone. The teenagers think it's funny and having 'swear jars' is something they know other adults have done so it doesn't strike them oddly and this way Daddy can 'punish' me for bad behaviour anytime without needing to wait for when we are alone. The jars are clear so I can see how well I'm doing that week by how full the good girl (or conversely, bad girl) jar is.

I'm really grateful for this system because it makes me feel very loved and cared for to have a consistent discipline system in my life. I'm very goal-oriented and also really find beauty in punishment.

Thank You, Daddy!

Body, Mind, Heart, and Soul

My Owner was going out to do some Christmas shopping but before She left, She gave me my orders. "Every hour, on the hour, you are to play for five minutes - but you may not cum. You may not cheat, you must play like you MEAN it." I looked up at Her, pouting just a little. I was already desperate for Her cock, it had been too long, and this assignment meant certain torture. But Syr followed this up by adding, "And if you are a very good girl, and don't cheat, I might let you suck my cock later." A warm heat rushed through me. My Owner knows how much I love worshiping Her cock with my mouth.

Thankfully, Syr's errands didn't take as long as expected. I'd had to play at 4pm, 5pm, and 6pm, and She was home by 6:30. She is more efficient than I when She shops. When She got home, it was clear She was exhausted by the experience of braving the Christmas crowds. Her feet hurt, Her legs were sore and She was tired. She took a hot bath and I finished up the wrapping I was doing. We chatted for a bit and then She decided it was time for bed and maybe a movie. I made it clear that while the assigned torture had been... well.. torture, I knew She wasn't feeling Her best and suggested a movie. "Maybe..." She noncommittally replied and headed upstairs to leave me to do the tidying up and shutting down of the house for bed.

When I got to the bedroom, Fully clothed, my Owner stood before me, arms crossed over Her chest and eyes flashing with Her particular brand of mischief. I was caught off guard and my eyes fell to the thick hardness I could see under Her pants, along Her thigh. I grinned wickedly and impishly back at Her, feeling rather bold myself.

In a flash, my Owner had my nipples between Her fingers, through my thin tee-shirt. (She has such a knack for finding them instantly!) and She pulled them up forcing me up onto my tiptoes as I whimpered in protest. "What is that defiant look all about?" She growled.

"What defiant look?" I replied, the bratty side of me not quite ready to settle down yet...

"That one." Syr replied looking directly into my eyes as She suddenly pulled my nipples harder.. and higher until I whimpered in pain.

"Now," She began, "who owns you?"

"You do, Syr" I meekly replied, squinting my eyes against the sharp pain in my nipples.

Satisfied for the time being, She released my nipples. "Why are you still dressed?".

I quickly tugged my tee shirt up over my head and unclasped my bra, tossing both to the side.

"Keep going." Syr demanded as I removed my pants and panties, standing naked in front of Her. She pressed against me, the cotton of Her black, sleeveless shirt brushing across my sensitive nipples as She took my wrists and pinned me up against the cold wall behind me eliciting a gasp of shock.

With Her knee, She pressed my thighs apart and leaned into me with Her body - making me acutely aware of Her, fully clothed, and me fully nude. She knows how the contrast of clothed versus non-clothed affects me and, as intended, I felt my place acutely. She kissed my neck, Her teeth nipping at me, growling against me before letting go and stepping back to the center of the room. With one finger pointed down, She snapped and I moved to stand in front of Her. Her hand tangled in my hair and pulled me to my knees in front of Her.

"Open my pants, slave." She murmured, Her voice husky with desire.

My fingers moved, trembling, to unbutton and unzip Her pants, pausing a moment as She continued. "Take out My cock."

I needed a little help dislodging Her large cock from Her pants. Once it was free, I leaned in eagerly but my Owner stopped me, Her hand closing around Her cock just behind the head as She held my head back with the hand She still had buried in my hair.

"What do you want, little girl?" She asked, keeping Her cock mere centimeters from my lips. I whimpered.."Your cock" as I strained against the pull on my hair, desperately wanting to feel Her cock filling my mouth.

"Then ask." She said, a laugh playing at the corners of Her lips. "Ask Me for what you want, slave."

"Please, Syr... Please may I suck Your cock?" I whimpered, desperate to feel it.

She pulled my head closer then, but Her hand blocked all but the very tip of the head. This didn't stop me from doing the best I could, anyway, though as I let my tongue swirl around the head, my lips pressed against the fingers that kept me from taking Her cock even deeper.

After teasing me this way for some time, She moved Her hand back, letting Her cock glide smoothly along my tongue until it nudged at the back of my throat. I moaned my pleasure and gratitude as She began moving Her hips, fucking my mouth slowly. My hands moved to the front of Her thighs, gripping them through the bunched fabric of Her pants and then they were at Her cock and then back at Her thighs. She grabbed both of my hands and pressed them back into place on the front of Her thighs and ordered gruffly, "Keep them there."

In response, I dug my nails back in and held on tight as She began driving Her cock deep into my mouth, moving Her hips faster as Her hands curled into the back of my head so tightly. "Cum." She ordered and I felt my body shudder as I complied. She took my mouth, fucking me and I moaned as I felt the smooth, silky friction of Her cock. "Don't bite My cock, slave" She warned and increased Her tempo. I kept my teeth back, opening wide for the onslaught of Her cock. I felt so taken, so claimed and I could feel the wetness accumulating as I grew swollen and needy to feel Her cock deep inside my pussy.

The sounds I made around my Owner's cock varied between moans of absolute pleasure and whimpers that betrayed my growing desperation. Suddenly, She stopped moving Her hips, holding very still... "Work My cock, slave, show me how badly you need it." She ordered, loosening Her grip on my hair as I began working my mouth up and down Her cock, taking it as deep as I possibly could, swirling my lips around it as I triggered, momentarily, my own gag reflex with my enthusiasm. "Cum!" She ordered again, and again I trembled and shook as I came around Her cock.

"Good girl" crooned my Owner in reply as She took over once again, driving Her cock between my eager lips faster and faster as She ordered "beg Me to fuck you" and then pulled Her cock roughly away. "Please Syr," I begged with all sincerity, "Please fuck me..."

"Get in position." She demanded and I complied without hesitation, laying the waiting towel out beneath me and opening my thighs to receive Her. She looked down at me, fire in Her eyes as She applied lube to Her already moistened cock and, bracing one hand on either side of my head, drove Her cock inside of me to the hilt on the first thrust.

She moved inside of me with ease and wasted no time in quickening Her pace. "Cum!" She ordered, early on as She prefers so that She can feel the way my insides swell and grip Her, becoming tighter around Her making me ever more sensitive for the onslaught that was to come - and come it did. She fucked me with a furious pace, slamming Her cock into me so deeply again and again. I begged for release often and sincerely and came wildly each time She ordered it.

And then something in the movements She was making shifted. She ground deeper and harder against me and I could feel and see the muscles in Her shoulders, arms, and even thighs tensing in that deliciously telling way. My Owner was close to cumming inside me! I reached my hands into the sleeves of Her tee shirt and scratched my nails along Her skin, silently urging Her to cum. She ground harder, and faster, and ordered me to cum and I did, clamping my cunt down so hard onto Her cock as she drove it deep and hard inside me, pressing against me with incredible force as Her own release began to rush through Her. Her groan of release coupled with yet another command to cum and we came to a shuddering climax together and She kept moving Her cock inside me as She continued to cum, far longer than I am used to eliciting even more orgasmic clenching from my own body.

Her cock remained deep inside me, my body pulsing around it, but She wasn't done with me, not yet. After a moment to recover from Her own intense orgasm, She slowly began to move inside of me again, ignoring the pressure against Her own sensitive clit behind Her cock as She worked up the pace, Her hands back in my hair, tangling, pulling me even harder against Her. Before long, She was fucking me wildly again, demanding my compliance, my surrender. I bucked against Her with every climax.

Her cock was feeling hot now, as if it was burning me up from the inside. She paused to add more lube but we both knew the friction from earlier was what was causing the sensation which was both wicked and wonderful.

But She wasn't done, not yet.... and honestly, neither was I. She fucked me still, and then She let me beg.... for so long. She fucked me harder, and harder as I pleaded for another release - yet she held me off. She fucked me hard and fast, but then long... and slow, drawing the moans and whimpers out of me as She artfully worked me over.

Finally, She decided it was time. "Who owns You little girl?" and drove Her cock into me HARD as I replied "You do, Syr!!". "Forever." She stated and again drove in as I replied obediently, "Forever, Syr!".

"Body... repeat, Slave." She growled and again timed Her thrust with my reply... "Body..."

"Mind.." again Her cock slammed into my body as I replied... "Mind!!"

"Heart!" She announced and pressed so deep.... "Heart!!!" I whimpered

"SOUL!" She growled and drove even deeper.... "SOUL!" I cried out.

"CUM, slave!" She ordered.... and I came, hard, clenching down on Her cock, thrashing wildly as She pressed Her lips against my neck, holding Her cock so deep into my body, holding me so tight.

We layed there, tangled in each other, heaving with the energies spent from passion.

"Thank you, Syr" I whispered in adoring gratitude.

"You're welcome, little girl." She whispered in reply, pressing Her lips so softly against my temples.

Place of Vulnerability

A couple of months ago, Syr, a friend of ours, and myself were at our local toy store, perusing the goodies for sale. Syr needed a new cock, having just discovered that She had to retire the previous one.

It took us a long time to pick out a new cock, the last was so beloved by us both. Sadly, however, the previous one had been discontinued as had its similarly sized competitor. Are there no size queens left in queer-ville?!? Why do the biggest, juciest cocks keep getting discontinued?

In any case, we did find a deliciously smooth cock while, of slightly less girth, was still nice and long. Syr was dubious about the lack of texture along the cock - but all I could think of was how lovely it would be to suck such a smooth, silky cock. When I mentioned this perk to the texture, Syr felt a lot better about Her choice. But, I digress...

I was still browsing the store, just for fun, when my eyes fell on a small display of little, silicone butt plugs. Syr saw where my eyes were and breezily ordered, "Pick one." and then wandered away.

I stood there, silently stammering surprise and weak objections in my head while Syr was likely slyly watching (and enjoying) my stunned silence. I spun and gave Her a questioning look. She'd never shown any interest in exploring anal play before. She just nodded and reiterated - "Pick one."

I could feel myself blushing as I thought of the possibilities. I'd only explored anal play twice before. Once was pleasant, once was not with the 'not' being more recent but there was something so thrilling about the way my Owner so casually decided that She wanted to give it a try.

I settled on a small, smooth, gently curved plug that didn't seem too intimidating and noticed that even the thought of Syr pressing it into my ass filled me with a deep sensation of what it feels like to be truly owned - of knowing that every part of my body is available for Her use.

It was several days later when Syr first played with me, there. I remember, still, how intensely and quickly I dropped into the sweetest subspace the moment I heard the snap of the latex glove she put on. The feeling of Her finger, pressing into me there was scary but not really. I was awash with trust and submissive adoration, even then. I knew I was safe, but it was such a deeply vulnerable feeling. The plug, being not much larger than Her finger felt wonderful once it was inside me. The result was that we both very much enjoyed the experience and were eager to repeat it.

One night, Syr pressed the plug inside of me, and had me get dressed again and proceed with my usual activities while filled. This was amazing as the plug was comfortable but it was not possible for me to ignore it and so even the simplest activity made me hyper-aware of my submission and vulnerability. The base of the plug being round though created some irritation after I'd worn it in this way for a while. My Owner mentally filed this information away.

Syr experimented with fucking me while the plug was in but it was so smoothly curved and small that it doesn't like to stay in whilst I am being filled with my Owner's cock. Several positions later, Syr found a way to make it work for the time being and it was amazing the sensations it provoked.

Then, a month or so ago, Syr and I were at a local exhibition of adult sex-related products and services, when She found a really lovely little anal toy called the Nexus Duo, which I just discovered is now discontinued! I'm glad we got one when we did! This little guy has a very narrow neck before the flared base which happily is not big and round but longer, more anchor shaped which means it can comfortably stay in my bum for longer periods without irritating me. It also... vibrates. It's not terribly quiet, that way, but for non-vibrating could discretely be worn under clothes for longer periods of time.

We've only had the opportunity to play with the Nexus once, so far - thanks in large part to the craziness of this time of year - but the once was... VERY exciting.

Syr pressed it into me, while it was vibrating, and I went wild. So wild, in fact, that She decided to turn the vibration off so that She could fuck me properly while it was inside me. It stayed put, much to Her satisfaction, and She added a small cozy and smooth vibrator to my clit while she fucked me and I am fairly positive that I turned myself inside out when She finally gave me permission to cum. It was one of the most explosive orgasms I have ever experienced.

While we have only just begun to explore anal play, I must say that what stands out for me is the utter and total vulnerability and submission I feel when my Owner accesses this part of my body.

Sit on Santa's Lap!

Also ...

Go ahead and sit on Santa's lap, over at Fetlife!! :-)

Tell him if you've been naughty or nice... though if you're reading my blog - I vote NAUGHTY! ;)

In any case, there are goodies to be won!

Sometimes, I yell at my Owner.

Sometimes, I yell at my Owner and sometimes I behave in really disrespectful ways.

It's difficult when we have an argument, especially one I start... maintain... and finish mostly on my own steam simply because I am being obstinate, selfish, or frustrated over something (and most especially when it's something really insignificant).

I have a long and glorious history with partners and biological family members of *not* defending myself. Of... 'taking it' in unhealthy ways. This is the reality of my past and of my childhood. And for years I 'took it' and 'took it' and then....

And then I started to grow up, to heal, to find myself - to learn strength and conviction and how to value myself.

And boy I tell you if the pendulum didn't just swing the other way! I spent so long 'taking it' that once I got used to the idea that it was okay to stand up for myself, I got a wee bit carried away. I didn't know how to defend myself "a little bit". If I felt hurt or slighted, I would feel almost instant adrenaline-filled rage and a desire to FIGHT (not physically). This sensation in my body would be consuming and I would find myself getting really really angry over the littlest things... things that in the end just didn't matter.

Learning to identify this reaction and put it in it's place, categorize the types of things I need to 'fight back' on and the types of things that could easily be chalked up to a bad day, a little bit of grumpyness, or otherwise unintentional hurts is easier said than done. Sometimes I succeed... and sometimes I don't.

It's a process. The episodes where I get that worked up over insignificant stuff are fewer and further between but they do still happen.

I am a slave, much loved by my Owner.

I am a little girl, much loved by her Daddy.

I am submissive, filled with a desire to please - to be a good girl.

It's really tough when I don't behave in a way that honors my Owner, that shows my love of my Daddy, that proves my desire to be a good girl.

It's tough because I don't like making bad choices. I don't like when my emotions take over and I let them get the better of me. I especially don't like when I can look back on my behaviour and identify disrespectful tone, behaviour, or meanness.

Respect is a goal I strive for and, sometimes - perhaps even regularly, I fail miserably at it. It's such a beautiful and good goal. And perhaps by even having the goal - it is making it easier to recognize, back down, and be sincerely contrite when I do make mistakes.

Logically, I know that it is normal to struggle. If I didn't struggle with this - would my submission and surrender to my Owner be real, or would it be an act? It was easier, in a way, when my submission was compartmentalized. My ex-Master saw me on the occasional weekend and - for that weekend - I maintained my role as slave, but when we were apart - was I always so consciously aware of being pleasing, of making Him proud, of being respectful? I thought I was, but it isn't the same.

I am with my Owner every single day. This is a blessing and a gift, but it presents different challenges as well. In the realities of marriage, parenting, jobs and the day to day activities involved in running a household, it isn't as easy to be mindful, all of the time.

And yet - it is my responsibility as my Owner's slave to strive to be mindful all of the time, not just on weekends or during phone calls. I don't get to turn it on or off. Treating Her with respect is the expectation and it is up to me to fulfill it. And this is a good and healthy goal.

We had an argument tonight, and it didn't last long. After maybe 15-30 minutes or so of me totally losing my temper (and losing sight of my place and what She means to me), I was right in the middle of insisting that I hadn't said something She'd said I said (I get very literal when I'm upset), when she just stopped me in my tracks with a very direct question - "Was what you said respectful or not?"

I shut up right away and whispered, meekly, "Not." All of the steam and fight in me gone, instantly, just like that as the reality of Her question hit home.

No, I hadn't been respectful... not at all. I'd been selfishly wrapped up in my own feelings, completely disregarding Hers, and holding on to my "point" out of pure stubbornness. The moment it hit home that I had been disrespectful, I was done. I knew at that point that there was no defense for my behaviour, nor any explanation.

Later, She made a comment, and I am not sure if She was joking or serious - perhaps a bit of both:

"Maybe, next time you have a question to ask Me, you should ask me while you are on your knees."

If I could keep that mental image of kneeling (whether or not my circumstances allowed me to phsyically do it) in my consciousness whenever I spoke to Her, a respectful tone and word choice would be much easier! It's certainly something to file away for later. I am a highly visual person, after all.

It is my opinion that - regardless of our dynamic, as my Wife, and my chosen partner, She always deserves my respect.

However, in light of our dynamic and my position in this relationship, I feel it is even more critical that I constantly work on improving my consistency in giving Her the respect She deserves.

And when I do, we both are better off for it.

Being Her slave is more than enough fuel to empower me for personal growth and this underlies everything I do. If I can learn from this experience, like the others, and become a better slave, little girl, and wife for it - isn't that the truest form of service?

Project Orgasm

I have to leave in five minutes, and I haven't posted to this blog in two months. That math doesn't quite work, but I did want to address Project Orgasm before I go with a contribution, even if brief.

The orgasm I want to contribute to is the non-physical, non-touching, purely verbal orgasm.

This gem is one discovered only through my connection with my Owner. I remember when I first began to wonder if it would be possible. We were long-distance, talking on webcam and MSN Live chat and I was staring into Her eyes, looking up at Her from where I sat, curled up, in my overstuffed armchair that I'd pulled in front of the computer. I was comfortable, clothed, having our usual evening, and absolutely enraptured by the sound of Her voice.

We hadn't met yet, we were lovers, playmates and friends and She was my Dominant, even then. But it was Her voice as She talked to me in low tones, that had me aroused beyond belief. Every nerve in my body was thrumming with desire and heat and anticipation for... I don't know what....

And I remember saying, so softly, "Sometimes, I wonder if You could make me cum with only the sound of Your voice." I'll never forget the way Her eyes twinkled and the slow smile that meant She took it as a challenge, and was accepting it.

A few days later, late in the evening, in our usual spots, She began talking - a live erotic story for my benefit as She described actions. We were past this point, usually, in our play as the cam and voice and chat allowed us to interact in more dynamic ways. She often had me using toys on myself and cumming by the touches I administered at Her command. But not this night.

On this night She ordered my stillness as I just listened to Her. The cadence of Her voice as it rose and fell describing as scenario between us, describing touches in excruciatingly delicious detail, and Her voice - always rising and falling in perfect harmony with the story She was weaving.

She spoke for a long time, and I was transfixed and my body responded in such intense ways it was nearly painful as She worked me over with Her words. She was watching me, watching my face, the intensity of my eyes and She played me like the finest instrument. When I felt as though my body could not possibly pulsate any more intensely than it was already, She stopped, the quiet itself stroking my body from a thousand directions and ordered, "Cum!"

And I did.

Ever since that night, My Owner can make me cum, on command, without even touching me. It takes determination, connection, and the right mindset between us - and it is complicated to explain, but when She sets out to do it, it always works. Sometimes, it works without touch or build-up but merely a countdown as She whispers in my ear 10.... 9..... 8..... until She reaches 1 and presses Her lips against my ear to growl "Cum!" or sometimes, it is as it was that first night, minutes upon minutes of agonizingly detailed storytelling and often it is somewhere in between the two.

But, it is the only orgasm I know that simultaneously satisfies and teases. I think it is one of my Owner's favourite activities both because it can be done so subtly and because it is an exquisite kind of torment. I must concur that it is a sweet paradox, indeed.

Body Hair and Self-Image

Syr tasked me with writing about body hair and self-image.

The truth is that I have a lot of self-image concerns and issues. One area where I am particularly self-conscious is with relation to my body hair.

Sure, there's that part of me that thinks - it's just hair, what's the big deal? And really, I suppose it probably wouldn't be AS big of a deal if I felt like I had a choice in the matter. But, here's where it gets complicated: I don't feel like I have a choice.

I'd LOVE to just be baby butt smooth all over. Luckily, I'm blonde - dark blonde - but still blonde, so it could be worse, I suppose. But while I can successfully (thank goodness!) shave my armpits and my legs to just above the knee without a problem, everything above about an inch above the knee is subject to rashes, breakouts, irritated skin, and a number of other not fun side-effects when I shave.

I suppose I could live with having a trimmed, but hairy pussy, but I'm not a fan of having hairy (almost masculine hairy) upper thighs! It really bothers me. I shave that area and I break out.

I have tried a lot of products to help with this. I've researched what causes breakouts and have had a decent amount of success with products like nair, or for a long time, magic shaving powder. I bought special single-blade bump-free razors and special sensitive skin aftershave balms. Everything works - for a short time. The magic powder worked until I developed a sensitivity to it (was even able to have a very smooth pussy!) The bump-free products also worked for a while until I started breaking out, even with them.

I still have one or two tricks up my sleeve, but these involve getting a close "trim" and not a smooth shave. So it LOOKS ok but can feel somewhat scratchy as to get the 'smooth' feel, I get breakout side effects.

Oops, I've digressed into rant mode about what I "want" and this isn't necessarily the point of the assignment.

my Owner points out regularly that having body hair is normal and that I am not the only one with more hair than preferred in the upper thigh (or elsewhere) areas and has even looked up photos online to show me some examples. I think it concerns Her that I sometimes "feel" abnormal because of this, but I think that, logically, I know better.

As long as my Owner is happy with my appearance and grooming, that is all that matters - but I think a huge part of me really struggles with wishing I could get that smooth, naked, vulnerable feeling of being as hairless as possible....

One point that Syr made recently is that She finds the hair more attractive then all the little bumpies and rashes that I get when I give in to the "to hell with it" impulse and go at that area of my body with a razor. This is good to know.

I feel like I'm writing about this but not really resolving anything. I think I just need to work on trusting that it's ok, not allowing myself to wallow in something that is superficial and doesn't matter at all to my Owner, and not letting it get to me so much.

Manners

Exactly one week ago, my Owner brought to my attention a topic that She wanted me to think about - "proper manners" - when, where, & why.

In working on the Outline for Growth in Service, one thing that presented itself (thanks to my inspiration, O and f) was protocol.

We're not a high protocol couple. Protocols can be tough, unrealistic at times with all of the privacy issues that we have to deal with. But She raised an interesting point - when is it time to assume a more polite set of mannerisms with Her?

This came up because we were bantering back and forth and Syr took that 'tone', the one that means it's time to listen up and when I answered Her question, I said "Yes". She prompted me for a more proper reply but I was sleepy or not paying attention or both. She was fishing for the "Yes Syr" or "Yes Daddy" that would be expected during a slightly higher protocol 'moment' between us and I hadn't caught on.

For us, these moments are not the sort of thing we can plan or schedule ahead of time. They happen when they happen. And Syr counts on me to be attentive enough to not miss them when they do happen.

One thing that I need to work on is being more aware, and attentive to those moments when they occur. Missed opportunities are simply that, and there is a level of service provided when I can sense these mood-shifts and follow Her lead.

Growth in Service: Moment vs. Problem

"Identifying when a moment is just a moment - vs. a 'problem' that needs to be addressed right that moment"

This topic falls under the conflict category - because my Owner and I both agree that this is often the source of a lot of our arguments in the first place.

I spent a great many years learning how to not speak my mind. If someone did or said something that hurt my feelings or made me mad, I learned that saying so was a bad... very bad idea. So bad, in fact, that I would often wonder if i'd even had the right to feel that way in the first place, no matter what the initial 'thing' was that sparked that feeling.

So - fast forward about 5-10 years from that point, and suddenly I don't need to be so concerned about the conseequences of speaking my mind, of sharing my feelings and of standing up for myself. Except, as is so often the case with extremes, the pendulum swung the other direction. Now, instead of staying silent, my impulse was to "stand up for myself" about *everything*.

And that is where I am now. I'm slowly coming back from the most extreme end of the pendulum swing, but I'm nowhere near the center yet. When my feelings or hurt or I'm offended, particularly with someone very very close to me - my impulse is to defend myself so intensely that I am often practically attacking the other person in my fervor to make sure I am allowed to speak up for myself.

This means that even the most momentary (and even potentially fleeting) hurt feeling or annoyance seems like a big deal that must be addressed. This really doesn't leave any room for benefit of the doubt. A grunt or some annoyed body language by my Owner can leave me feeling a little sensitive or wounded and feeling 'wronged' even though the grunt or annoyed body language may have just been a very fleeting bit of normal human grumpiness on the part of my Owner.

So we've quite a few discussions about trying to determine when something really NEEDS to be addressed. I have lots of little grumpy moments that She overlooks, or ignores, not because She didn't notice or because She found those things pleasant - but because She knew I'd had a bad day, or was likely just crabby, or tired, or hungry, or maybe I was just feeling a little off. There is a thought process there, that moment of "okay, that was unpleasant but is it really a big deal and is it really about me?". That moment of thinking about it seems to me to be the more healthy response to a little hurt feeling or annoyance over something seemingly small and out of the blue.

But my pendulum remembers what it was like to stay silent... because I had to. And now my instinct is to NOT do that no matter what. And so, stopping to pause, to think through "how important is this to bring up RIGHT NOW?" is really hard.

My Owner gave me the idea for a simple way to sort of mentally rate what I'm feeling at that moment and I think it simplifies it in a way that is easier to grab hold of, mentally:

Does it need to be brought up at all, or is it something I can let pass (giving benefit of the doubt - maybe just a grumpy moment, etc)

If I really feel like it needs to be brought up/talked about, can I bring it up a little bit later once I've had some time to think about it?

Is it so urgent that I really need to bring it up right now?

The point is that by the time I've thought about it long enough to rate the urgency, I've actually THOUGHT about it, which is the most important part. It sort of quells the knee-jerk defensive/protect myself response that is often overkill.

I have actually tried to begin practicing this and when I have remembered to go through this mental categorizing in the moment, it has worked beautifully. Ironically, each time I have categorized it, the feeling has been in the "not really necessary to bring it up at all" category. I can't describe how GOOD it feels five minutes later when the feeling is gone, nothing needed to be addressed, whatever unpleasant moment I had has passed, and I haven't picked a fight over something that ultimately wasn't that big of a deal.

The benefit isn't just mine. I love my Owner and I trust my Owner, and when I take the time to not jump immediately to "defend" myself, I am showing that trust - and am rewarded by discovering that in the end - there is often not anything that needs to be defended. Just regular human stuff.... and no matter how tough and strong She is, my Owner ... my Daddy... She is also still human. :)

Growth in Service: Uncomfortable Emotions

Processing “negative” emotions
Identifying uncomfortable emotions
Examining the root – why is it so uncomfortable?
What is the fear - what’s the worst that could happen?
What to do with these emotions
Is it necessary to express verbally?
Productive ways to do so
Identifying coping mechanisms / Ways to process productively

"Using the basic idea presented here, identify how negative emotion interferes with communication and causes escalation. Outline three ideas to help prevent or mitigate this - keep the concept of small victories in mind when doing so."

My Owner tasked me to keep this first assignment as simple as possible, but I'm struggling with that a little bit as the ideas presented in the outline seem like big concepts - a lot to chew and swallow in one bite. I had to ask Her for help understanding the assignment and trying to figure out how to approach it. Seeking clarity helped - She wants me to look at this topic as an overview. That helped give me some direction.

This has come up a lot for me in the last few years. I really struggle with the experience of actually feeling a "negative" emotion. If I feel anger, frustration, annoyance, etc toward another person, I am immediately uncomfortable.

I really think that the very fact that I'm experiencing one of these unpleasant emotions causes me to feel anxious, and perhaps even guilty. This often causes the emotion itself to spiral out of control - which is a big contributor to the escalation of a situation where one of these emotions presents itself. I am angry - but then I am also anxious about being angry and now I am angry-anxious and the two play off of each other.

Three ideas to help mitigate this -

1. If I can learn to, in the moment, seperate the anger (or other emotion) from the anxiety I'm having about experiencing that emotion then I can address the anger/frustration/etc which will then mitigate the anxiety. Being able to distinguish which parts of what I'm feeling are actual emotion and which parts of what I'm feeling are fear-based can help me manage it better.

2. Learning to give myself permission to feel - "It's ok to be angry", "It's ok to be frustrated", then hopefully I can mitigate the anxiety altogether and then figure out next steps for how to process the emotion.

3. If I can find a way to not react/respond immediately to what I'm feeling when one of these uncomfortable emotions is involved so that I have TIME to do the things I've mentioned in #'s 1 and 2, then I am setting myself up for success. Whether it's taking a personal time-out before reacting, counting to ten, meditating, breathing, or doing some other action thing that will distract me enough to think through what I'm feeling - this could really help me deal in the moment.