Ask, don't tell Owner what Her feelings are
Waiting for the answer after asking a question
Not defending/countering
Accepting the answer given as the only sane choice
How NOT doing these things invalidates Owner's feelings/emotions
I'm doing this as one entry because all these things relate to each other pretty intimately, i believe, and because this came up in a calm but frustrating conflict between my Owner and I just this evening. But I'll break it up bit by bit.
Explaining reasoning does not negate/erase feelings (or "what's done is done")
This is one of my BIGGEST battles. Okay, maybe I say that a lot but I think this is really true and is the root (and thus the heading) of many conflicts. Once there is an unpleasant emotion (read previous entry on that issue), I try to 'correct' things. My attempt to correct is fear-driven. I don't like feeling that someone is having a negative emotion towards or about me (who does?) and so I try to make it go away. When I write it out like that, it sounds really ridiculous and futile - and wholly illogical. But in my mind - in the moment - it is a very logical and analytical sort of step to take.
If (for example) my Owner seems frustrated with me about the way I expressed myself about something - then it would serve my logical purposes at the moment to explain that whatever is causing Her frustration was a misunderstanding because I certainly didn't mean to come across in a frustrating way. Except, the thing is that I get very, very determined to PROVE that I did nothing (at least intentionally) to cause the negative emotion - therefore the negative emotion need not be there.
Um, do you see the problem here? Once a negative emotion is experienced, I can't erase it by explaining away whatever led to it (whether by excuse or apology) but I don't think it's possible to explain just how desperately I want to do JUST that. *sigh*
This is a driving thing and something that needs to be worked on a lot more on my part. Once the negative emotion is there - whether I agree with it or not, whether I think it should exist or not, whether I think I am to BLAME for it or not - it's still there. I can not (and dear Goddess I should not be trying to) explain it away!!
Ask, don't tell Owner what Her feelings are
I've made a lot of progress on this but I have to constantly check myself. I used to, quite regularly, assume that my Owner was angry or frustrated or annoyed at me and would state this presumptively within a conflict or conversation and this would upset my Owner. Interestingly, having someone assume what I am thinking or feeling really irks me in a big way, so I really understand how annoying this behaviour is and have been trying to curb it. I still catch myself doing it sometimes or trying to find different (softer) words but still stating my Owner's feelings rather than asking.
This is in the outline because I really think this is a personal 'rule' I need to work on with myself. I need to remember to ASK (and never just state/tell) my Owner what She is thinking or feeling.
Not defending/countering
Remember the post about listening and, specifically, not interrupting? This is probably the worst habit I have in conflict and it is definitely rooted in the issue of believing on some level that I can make a negative thought go away by 'explaining' it away.
In a conflict, if I am interrupting - nine times out of ten it is with something like "I didn't say it like THAT" or "I didnt' mean it to come out that way..." or "I said ___ not ___" or.... (the list goes on... and on).
Almost every time I interrupt, it is an effort to defend or argue a point. Now, maybe that's true for everyone in conflicts, and it's probably pretty normal in the bigger picture of human interaction/arguments/conflicts. But, what bothers me about this behaviour is how HARD it is to stop myself. It takes a ridiculous amount of concentration and, dare I say, willpower just to keep myself silent without countering - and I mean that it takes that much work just to stop myself from arguing the most ridiculous of minute details just to avoid starting a side-argument over something dumb - oh yeah, and I often DON'T catch myself in time.
When it comes to 'countering', it seems that everything is up for grabs - even the tiniest of details, which in turn adds frustration to the entire interaction as my Owner struggles to just stick to the original point.
As with many of the other things within our arguments if I can remember to listen respectfully throughout the entire conversation, I will make more progress.
Accepting the answer given as the only sane choice
I've worded this one fairly strongly on purpose. When I ask a question, particularly one about opinion, what my Owner "means", what She 'feels', what Her opinion is, etc - the only SANE response is to accept the answer I am given.
It is not fair or appropriate (with anyone, let alone my Owner) to argue over Her opinions, feelings, or perceptions. If I ask "what do You want for dinner" and She says "spaghetti", it is not appropriate or polite to say "what about meatloaf?". We obviously never have that particular exchange but I think you get my drift. It's a very simple, foundational basic to remember to just accept the answers I am given without question. It doesn't mean I need to agree with every single thing - but it means that respecting my Owner's feelings, emotions, and opinions means not making Her have to justify them all the time.
I trust Her - and as I frequently remind myself - trust is the root of all of these things. When I remember to trust, I relax and the rest becomes a lot less like work and a lot more like natural communication.
How NOT doing these things invalidates Owner's feelings/emotions
And the point of all of this is that when I don't do the above things - I make my Owner feel badly. Not respecting Her feelings/emotions without question invalidates them and whether I agree with them or not or even whether I understand what caused them or not does not make them disappear. This obviously circles back to the first point - what's done is done.
If my Owner feels frustrated, that's Her right. And to remind myself from an earlier post, just because She feels frustrated does not mean it is up to me to "fix it", it is just up to me to respect it and be aware and respectful of Her needs, whether it be to discuss it or to back off from it (another thing I struggle with)
---
One interesting side-point that came up this evening was my Owner's warning about dropping something so that it NOT turn into an argument.
I have often interpreted this to mean "If we keep talking to each other, we will fight because you will do something to piss me off."
but ...
what i learned tonight is that what She means by this is "I'm getting upset/frustrated/angry (insert emotion) and need a break from this because I'm not feeling particularly objective and if we push the issue right now it WILL become an argument"
I actually NEVER took it that way. I have always taken that warning to mean that She somehow thinks I'm going to lose my cool or not be capable of talking about it rationally (cuz it's all about me right? geesh) and I have never stopped to consider that what She might mean is that SHE is not in the right headspace to continue rationally (or even mean that WE are not in the right headspace), but I don't think - in hindsight - that She has ever meant it as an accusation about my inability to be reasonable. Oops. Another thing I took personally and often 'defended' to the point of - well.. missing the point.
It just goes to show how big language things are. And, more importantly, it's a reminder to me to check myself and to work harder at not interpreting everything through the "how have I messed up or how am i being accused of messing up" filter. This filter is what gets me in trouble. Many times a comment or request or question is nothing to do with me and everything to do with where my Owner's head or emotions are at. Once again, not everything is about me. :)
~*~*~*~*~
Kitten recently posted about her Master's style of Zen Mastery which prompted A Subtle Slavegirl to post about it and in both the phrase that stood out - that seems to be the most potently 'felt' is this one -
"Surrender is a reaction. Submission is a decision."
Yeah, that! For me, this tied into all this work I feel like I am constantly doing to overcome my 'stuff', to be better at communicating, to overcome my dysfunctional patterns and past programming. Sometimes, I get so frustrated with all of the work that needs doing that I feel really broken - but it is not up to my Owner to accept me as is all the time without question - that is what leads to dysfunction (at least for me). It is not up to Her to 'fix' me either. It is not up to Her to constantly push me for this sort of growth. It is up to me to bring this to the table - to be willing to do the work to be a better person, wife, little girl, and slave. It is my decision to work on these things, on basics and on things that aren't so basic that makes it an act of submission and one that is beneficial to us both.
It's far easier to simply do what one is told than it is to bring something, with effort, to the relationship and put the work and energy behind it to make it work. It is the work and the active engagement on my part that makes, even this, an act of submission.
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