Missing Daddy...

I was away recently, on a necessary trip - alone - to attend the memorial service of the afore mentioned beloved friend I recently lost.

In many ways, the trip was about healing for me. It was a time for remembering and processing, for crying and singing. Many of the feelings that I spent the weekend sorting through were highly personal.

The friend that passed away was not someone Daddy ever had the chance to get to know, and so naturally there were some roadblocks in really sharing my grief with Her or turning to Her for comfort - though of course She was wonderfully understanding and supportive of my grieving process.

Going alone was originally a choice made out of necessity. And while there were many moments within the three days I was gone when I wished for nothing more than Daddy's strong arms around me, holding me or Her shoulder to lean my head on, I found that ultimately it was necessary for my own personal healing to go it alone.

This left me with an interesting feeling. I didn't really miss Daddy the way I thought I would (or should?) and while I know this was a good and healthy thing, I felt a pressing need to tell Her this. She totally understood, even laughed, and said sometimes we just need a break, and that it's totally ok. I get what She meant. Sometimes, it's nice to have some alone time or some time where your responsibilities to your partner aren't at the forefront.

But - for me, this time, it was about something more than that. It was about letting myself really FEEL the grief and the pain on my own. It was about holding those emotions, releasing them, working my way through them (not suppressing them) and reminding myself that I am capable of doing this with or without a Daddy right next to me to lean on. In this way, it was really empowering.

I am grateful to have a Daddy, an Owner, a Syr, and a best friend in my Wife. She is my partner in so many things and I feel we have a very close, fully open, and overwhelmingly trusting relationship. In all ways, I feel that my relationship with Her empowers me and helps me to grow into my potential. But, it's nice to have some reminders that I really have grown, really have gotten to a healthier place than I was even as recently as five years ago.

I felt proud of myself and when I got home and hugged and kissed Her, I had this all encompassing feeling of personal pride. It was if I had taken "being a good girl" to a whole new level.

So maybe I didn't miss Daddy, in the ways I thought I would, while I was away. But - I sure did make Daddy proud!