7 Things Meme

I was tagged by Dracona (who delurked to tag me which has me all super excited... it's fun to know there are people out there who are reading what I write, and thrilling in a really unique way)

Rules:

1. Link to your original tagger and list these rules in your post

2. Share 7 facts about yourself in the post

3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post, leave their names & links to their blogs

4. Let them know they've been tagged

Okay, so for some facts!  Let me see if I can do some naughty/exciting ones.

1.  I spent many years being polyamorous both in and out of the kink lifestyle.  Some parts of this poly history were really amazing, powerful, uplifting, and full of opportunities for growth and so - so much love.  And some were full of pain and heartache, frustration and jealousy.  Over time, I discovered that when I was poly, I was poly to please my partner or Dominant, or to fulfill an unmet need - but that it ultimately was an unhealthy choice for myself.  That was an important lesson to learn.  I was bitter about it for a while, but I think that now I can look back on the positives with a smile and not dwell too much on the negatives.  Overall - it was definitely a learning experience.

2.  My Owner and I had spent approximately 7-8 days of actual time in person together before She proposed to me, and collared me (same day).   We had spent over a year being very close and spending 5-6 hours a day together online, web-conferencing with voice & cams, and talking on the phone before we met, and after the first visit, finally realized we had fallen in love long before that, and decided to do something about it.  The formal proposal took place my second visit.  The story of our marriage and relationship is far more complicated than that - but it will only make us sound crazier..so there you have it.

3. I love porn.  I love video porn.  I love dirty, raunchy, realistic and most of all MESSY porn.   And ironically, all the things that I am not the least bit interested in, in real life I LOVE watching on porn.  You won't catch me watching dyke porn (unless it's REALLY good or butch/femme porn which I just haven't found).  No, no, I watch straight porn with lots of good ol' vanilla raunchy sex.  Good stuff.

4. I'm a size queen.  I may be queer, but I love the feeling of cock.  My Owner's cock is enormous, seriously, I can wrap my hand around it but my fingers don't touch.  And we both love the way it makes me feel when She first claims me... the ever present wide-eyed mix of surprise and a touch of pain as I am filled with something so huge.  

5. I wear three things my Owner gifted to me as symbols of Her Ownership: Her collar (a silver bracelet on my right wrist), our wedding band and engagement ring (engagement ring is engraved with "Her little girl" and wedding band with "you belong to Me"), and an elaborate tattoo on my upper back and neck of a very special lock (she has the key designed to fit it tattooed on her chest).

(This is hard!!)

6. I have a major school-girl and cheerleader uniform fetish.  It's clearly all about the pleated skirt.  I mean I would love to wear them if it pleased my Owner, but my major fetish is watching other school-girls or cheerleaders!  I wouldn't really know what to do with one if I got my hands on one.  At Mayhem a particular school-girl let me reach under her skirt and grab her bum a few times, which was great fun - and really I was quite contented with that.

7. I have written a full length novel (thanks to NaNoWriMo) outlining a sex-positive kinky culture with its own set of rules and politics that is fully immersive and hope to one day polish it and submit it to a kinky pansexually friendly publisher who is interested in an immersive story that has too much depth to be the kind of porn one would lie in bed and masturbate to and contains far too much kink and sex to be considered a garden variety romance novel.

I don't want to be a funsucker but I'm not going to tag 7 people, though I dearly hope that anyone who wants to participate will! It's a fun meme!

Syr and I will be at Mayhem!

March is Question Month

So, this question month thing is going around... and I thought it would be fun to open the doors to questions:

Do you have a question you'd like to ask of me? Then post it here and I'll respond. The question can be of any nature.

I'll answer the questions right here on my blog.

Thank You, my Owner

"Thank You, my Owner" is what I whispered against Her cheek as She pulled me close, my head laying on the front of Her left shoulder, the spot I prefer to sleep, the spot that has the mark of Her ownership of me - the key matching the heart/lock that marks my own skin on the back of my neck.

"You're welcome, little girl" comes Her reply as we began to drift off to sleep, floating in bliss.

Just an hour earlier, we'd been both doing our own thing on our laptops, writing, reading and generally just zoning out. Really, our moods were just not quite lined up. Syr is still shaking off the end of a nasty cold, and I am in this refreshed/recalibrated uber-submissive place, aching for service and submission - and surrender.

She wasn't exactly 'in the mood' and I was sort of... well... desperate. And so I quietly got up and put my computer away and got out the accoutrement that would normally accompany a quick, but hot, romp and just generally was sorta assertive about sending the message that I was REALLY craving Her cock (and a long list of other stuff but I was SO ready to take whatever I could get). ;)

It was actually really ballsy of me. I was setting myself up for some disappointment that can often make me feel a little rejected when I'm in a submissive head space. It was also awfully presumptuous and... really... not that submissive.

But Syr's eyes got this evil lil' twinkle, the kind they get when it's clear She's feeling all kinds of desired, and that it's making Her feel good - so I ran with it. ;)

Lucky me, She decided She wanted to grant me my wish. I'm sure that all the begging didn't hurt. *impish grin*

But I was still craving an intense sensation of surrender... and so I begged Her to allow me to have some floor - time. A request She granted with apparent pleasure as She guided me down until my forehead rested on the floor and placed Her foot heavily on the back of my neck. *purrr*

I was so softened by floor-time that I found myself floating into compliance with every other order She gave until I laid, spread open wide and naked beneath Her as She drove Her huge cock into me, filling me completely in one stroke - claiming me.

She was fully engaged and swept up in the energy exchange clearly flowing between us. She made me wait the longest time before finally granting me permission for an orgasm, and even then - only long after my begging turned to crying. Once permission was granted it was - all encompassing.

I fell asleep, grateful and content.

Recalibrated

Have you ever dislocated a joint? Or maybe - on the less extreme side of things - have you ever felt like a body part just wasn't quite lined up properly? Perhaps you're out of alignment and need a chiropractic adjustment?

And then, you know that sensation when whatever was out of whack, gets back into whack? Do you know it feels when whatever was out just pops back *in* to place and it's so overwhelmingly pleasurable to have it all back where it should be that it practically tingles?

That's how I feel today.

Yesterday, I felt like a little girl, beloved by her Daddy. And that feels good - awesome even. Comfortable. Then, last night, as I drifted off to sleep, something was starting to shift, slipping back closer into place.

And when I awoke, whatever was out of alignment 'popped' back into place.... and I spent the day feeling that overwhelming sensation of being fully in touch with my submissive, slave-self again.

It's not that the little girl goes away, it's that - I think - for quite a few months, that little girl mentality has been the dominant one in my Self. When all is right in my world, from a D/s perspective, the submissive part of me, the little girl/babygirl part of me, and the slave part of me all interweave together, braiding themselves into the rope-weave of me at my most whole and balanced.

I am learning that when something is affecting me, on any level, one part of me - or another - seems to become heavier, more obvious and the others fade slightly. In that imbalance, I often find that there is something I need from it over the short-term. I think, that in this case, the imbalance had much to do with the Winter and the introspection and facing of my shadow-self related to my personal spiritual work. It's difficult, emotionally-taxing self-work, and I suppose it makes sense that the little girl side of me would take over.

And, incidentally, I am drawing some connections between this recent imbalance and the way that certain negative behaviors started becoming easier and easier to slip into (namely in the emotional immaturity and tantrum categories).

Last night, though the shift began. Perhaps it really happened when we decided to attend a local leatherdyke kink conference coming up. Perhaps it was triggered by my recent revelations on the work i am doing to be healthier in my communications, more self-aware, and more dedicated to my work on myself - to replace old bad patterns with new positive healthier ones.

But whatever triggered it, suddenly this morning I was once again fully aware of these other sides of me that have been so neglected.

And now I am tingling with it - awake and alive and on fire with the cravings....

I am craving serving Her and feeling Her hand on my neck, or closing over my mouth and nose - controlling my breath.

I'm craving the cold steel of Her knife on the long unmarred skin of my back.

I'm craving the total surrender and submission that washes over me when She fucks me - the slave me - the submissive me with Her giant cock.

I'm craving taking worshiping at Her feet, kissing the tip of Her boot, and laying kisses on Her cock.

I'm craving new experiences: rope and needles

I'm craving the wide smooth leather of Her collar wrapped around my neck and the clink of the chain from the leash binding my throat to Her wrist.

I'm craving a hard, sudden slap across the face - not because I've misbehaved but simply because, as my Owner, She can.

I'm craving wax falling onto my naked, trembling, body only to be scraped off bit by bit by Her sharp knife.

I'm craving time on my fur, forehead down, Her foot on the back of my neck.

I'm craving all this and more... from a place of complete peace and contentedness from my secure place as Her slave, Her litle girl.

My Daddy

Wow - I haven't written in months.  It's hard to imagine that it has been so long, but I guess in the grand scheme of things, it isn't so hard to realize.

This has been a hard winter for me.  I found myself delving deep into myself and dealing with issues that took much of my emotional energy.  I also slipped into an avoidant habit of not writing - which my Owner pointed out is the one thing that usually keeps me grounded both in my healthiest emotional state - and in my submission.

The newest discovery (and by new I would say in the last six months) has been the full embrace of the Daddy/girl dynamic.  The energy of it was ALWAYS there, but now I call Her Daddy. lol.  I guess that's really the only difference.  I don't always.  There are times it is "my Owner" and times it is "Syr" and times it is "Daddy" even though SHE is all three, all the time.

But this has been a good fit and a way to stay grounded in the power dynamics while our energy has been more on the basics - respect, staying calm through a time of transition, maintaining intimacy when life-stress abounds, etc. 

And so I have found that we've both been enjoying the ability to snuggle in and be sweet and soft together in that way that reminds us both that She's in charge - and I'm not.  Keeping it simple.

But this is just one thread in the weave of who we are and what we're doing.. and between it all there have been some much needed reminders that I am totally owned.  These reminders may come in the form of untying and removing Her boots, while kneeling at Her feet - or in the form of a much needed beating with the crop that left my ass and thighs covered in delightful bruises.  Either way, there are reminders. :)

There is more to come, more to share, and more to explore.  Stay tuned...

Good slave or Bad slave?

Syr was reading some posts on fetlife the other day and one thread in particular caught Her attention.  A question had been asked by a frustrated poster about whether or not readers hold their partners to impossibly high standards and how that helps or hinders them.  I was asked to review the thread and responses and write about it.

Honestly, this subject is so perasive in the kink community as to be well beyond redundant.  It seems one of two things is almost always going on: Either we're busy building up hype around the stereotypical standard of what makes a good Master or a good slave (or bottom, submissive, etc) or we're busy complaining about the impossible standard.

And ... honestly I've been a member of both camps.  In the first camp of building up the hype/stereotype it's often in relations to myself.  I find that I often measure myself against other submissives or slaves and questioning whether I'm good enough.  Really it's no different than the way I fall into the nasty habit of comparing myself to other women, other femmes, other coworkers, etc.  I seem to have a lot of old programming and old bad habits surrounding my perceptions of my self, skewing them.  The slightest mistake can leave me feeling worthless and unlovable.  It's hard to overcome this instinctual self-depreciation, especially after a period of bad behaviour or after losing my temper. :(

But, one thing is glaringly obvious - no sane person expects their partner to be perfect.  That impossible standard I sometimes hold myself to is my own - not my Owner's.  She is perfectly content to own me - even with all my imperfections.  She's knows I'm a work-in-progress and it is largely through Her endless patience and loving instruction that I have done so much growing during the time She's owned me.  Why then do I become so paralyzed with fear whenever I mis-step?

A huge part of my personality is to be a people-pleaser.  And who do I most desperately want to please more than my Owner, my Daddy?  It makes sense that I struggle with impossible standards that I set for myself.  But it makes more sense that I work on learning to trust.  She thinks I'm special, and so I am.  

Holidays with Daddy

This was an amazing holiday with my Daddy!

For presents, i got my Daddy a new dremel-style tool, a Happy Bunny calendar, an LED flashlight multi-tool thingie, and a Bread Machine which was Her big gift.... oh yes and a Costco-sized package of yeast for bread-making so She could start right away. *grins*  

Daddy got me the Onyx booster deck for my Killer Bunnies and the Quest for the Magic Carrot game,  Animal Crossing City Folk for the Wii, an Idog Amp'd, and most special of all: a new bracelet-collar to wear.  My last one broke several months ago and I had been missing this physical reminder of Her ownership.

It feels good to finger it, touch it, look at it, feel the weight of it on my wrist, like a security blanket.  Maybe that's silly, it is - after all - just an object and does not make or break my status as Her owned little girl and slave.   But that's ok.  I love to love it. :)

Obedience

My Owner and I have had lots of intense conversation lately.

I'm calling it conversation because saying we've had several *arguments* doesn't sound as pretty. ;)

Okay so it wasn't pretty. I have issues and lots of them, and I know it. I've made tremendous leaps and bounds of improvement, but sometimes those issues still get the better of me.

It looks a little something like this:
Syr says something Her slave doesn't like.
slave behaves badly/acts out
Syr gets angry/frustrated
slave rewinds events in her head and realizes she was behaving REALLY badly.
slave learns valuable lesson(s)

The three steps to pleasing my Owner have become a sort of running guideline for my goals and work on my slavery and obedience. They come to mind often, and are often used as a benchmark when discussing things that 'go wrong'. Usually if something unpleasant occurs between us it's because I either didn't shut up, didn't listen, and/or didn't do what I was told.

It's interesting how something so basic can be applied to virtually every unpleasant moment!

After the last one, though, one thing became crystal clear. I've not been doing much of any of those three things lately.

Yesterday, I began making a very conscious effort to be almost hyper aware whenever my Owner asks anything of me. Whether or not She is polite or words her request as - a request - I've consciously just gotten up and done it without question, simply trusting. She asked me last night to write about how I feel about that.

It's interesting because two emotions are obvious right away when I just simply and quietly obey: pride in my service and surprise at how easy it is.

It's amazing how much easier things feel and how much smoother the machine of our family operates when I obey. And it feels good.

One of the things I need to continue to work on is trust. I trust my Owner more than I've trusted anyone I've ever known or met. And yet sometimes I still struggle. Most of the time when I've failed to shut up, listen, or obey - it can be traced back to a trust issue. And so that is at the root of my work.

Each time I simply do what I'm told - and experience something positive as a result, even if it's just a smile on my Owner's face or the feeling of having accomplished something, it reinforces the trust that obedience truly is what's best for both of us.... that the world isn't going to come to a screeching halt.

That's a really good thing for both of us.

Subspace, Gratitude, Vagaries, Personality, & Accuracy

From Syr:
"Can you experience sub space without physical pain?

I think that the term "sub space" is often used to describe the intense physical/emotional sensations brought on by intense BDSM play. Often this is brought on by endorphins, etc. The degree of this experience varies person to person and experience to experience. Though as I've noticed in recent discussions, it seems clear that it's sort of mystified to be something it isn't necessarily, or perhaps demystified into the ordinary.

For myself, my BDSM/kink is inherently psychological/emotional, much more so than physical. And so I find that when I think of subspace, it 'looks' like something else to me than how it's commonly perceived. And so I find myself using other terms to identify my feelings.

Usually, I use the term "little" or "little-space" which is to refer to that soft, floaty, submissive 'feeling', that is sort of like a little bit of goofy-happy mixed with romantic-adoration and absolute lovey-doveyness with my Owner. ;) And that feeling can be brought on a number of ways. It can most definitely be triggered by pain administered at the hands of my Owner - whether a good hard spanking, face-slapping, flogging, clothespins, etc. And, as we discovered not so long ago, also by gentle soft touches - done with a sense of ownership.

Little space is how I describe the feeling of floating in my submission, of surrendering.

There's another term I use for a harsher sensation - and that is "drop". Not drop as in the 'drop' that some submissives describe as a depression after playing (that never seems to happen to me - or not that I'm aware of). But drop as in - the way it feels to plummet quickly/suddenly or intensely into little-space. *purr* "Dropping" is something I associate with the harsher or heavier play. And even that can happen without pain. Often, all it takes is Syr grabbing me suddenly by the hair and growling in my ear.

In all cases that I personally associate with the 'concept' of subspace, I say most DEFINITELY, it can be reached without pain. Of course - pain IS a really neato way to get there. ;)

From Submissive Journal Prompts:

How do you find that gratitude changes your outlook? Does this affect your slavery at all?

I have read of submissives or slaves whose Dominants require that they post a daily gratitude or devotional with regards to their submission or slavery. I think that all around the world, sitting in gratitude is proven to make you feel better about yourself and/or your life, no matter what else is happening.

When I have taken the time to look on my submission or on all my Owner does with a sense of gratitude, I find that it softens me and brings me a sense of peace and contentedness.

“The most fortunate of persons is he who has the most means to satisfy his vagaries.” -Marquis de Sade

First, I had to look up "vagaries" in the dictionary.

(from Dictionary.com: 2. a whimsical, wild, or unusual idea, desire, or action)

Ok. And actually, I think not. I mean sure, if we had the means to satisfy some of our fantasies and desires, that would be an amazing experience. I mean I have visions of long days of bondage and mummification and heavy flogging scenes dancing through my mind. But really, if we had the means to do everything we wanted to do and try everything we wanted to try - all right now - then what is there to grow into, to aspire to? What use is fantasy if you know you can have any fantasy you want? I'd say it'd lose it's luster.

While sometimes I wish we had certain things (a weekend away, more privacy, soundproof bedroom walls, etc) so that we could let go of our inhibitions a little bit more often - I generally find that I am quite grateful for what we do have - and equally grateful for those things that we have to wait to have. Because those will be ever the sweeter for the anticipation.

What personality traits have you found to be the most useful to you in your service?

*blinks* useful personality traits? hahahahahaha

This is a bad night for that question. I've struggled with attitude this evening. ;)

But okay, in all honesty - I'd have to say my sense of self-awareness. Without that, I'd be toast. No - I'd be charcoal. No - I'd be ashes on the wind. Seriously. I have a lot of crap and baggage and just *stuff*. And while that stuff certainly presents a set of VERY unique challenges to my Owner, the saving grace is - that I'm aware of the stuff. I don't deny it or try to pretend it's not there. And therefore - I'm able to work on it, grow, learn, be malleable and be open to true growth and therefore enhance my submission and service.

How important is it to you that you accurately describe yourself or your dynamic? How do you feel about the following quote: “How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn’t make it a leg.” -Abraham Lincoln

It's very important to me that I portray myself and my relationship honestly. But accurately such as the quote?

If we were describing physical stats -sure - that's easy. We're a relationship of two females, one older than the other, legally married, both who work full time jobs outsidet he home. That's easy.

But the rest of it? Dominant/submissive, Owner/slave, all the ways I think our interactions are powerful and amazing? That's accurate - to us. But who is to say that someone else wouldn't look at our relationship and dynamic and think "Huh... looks like they're just saying it's five legs when it's really four legs and a tail". So is there any way to verify the accuracy of our dynamic? Not really. I mean dominance and submission is really quite subjective. I can look at someone who says they're in an M/s relationship and think - "sooo vanilla" and I can look at someone else who says they're in a vanilla/kink-free relationship and think - "omg, so D/s!" but the only people who can really define it is the people who are in it.

1950's Household

From my Owner:
Recently we discussed the idea of a 50's household. Do we have a degree of that in our home? To what extent has the functional day to day realities of our home helped or hindered that energy (if it really exists in our home at all)?

To a certain degree, I believe that a lot of that 1950's style stereotypical relationship dynamic defines a great deal of our less 'obvious' D/s. My Owner is also my spouse and in our family, in spite of who does or doesn't know about our more formal dynamic - it is definitely clear that She has a measure of authority and that I defer to Her.

When we first began sharing a home together, there was a measured period of time in which I couldn't work. I can't describe how much I truly loved that period of time. I got to truly be a stay at home wife and slave and it was marvelous. I adored having daily chores, writing assignments and responsibilities in keeping the house organized, neat, and being responsible for the errands and the shopping. I loved greeting my Owner at the door when She came home each evening and serving her dinner.

While I do work outside the home now, as does She, I still find myself really getting a special thrill out of planning a meal, cooking it and setting Her plate in front of Her, having given special care to plate it prettily.

I don't really think that our day to day realities help or hinder this energy in any significant way. In a perfect world, I'd be able to fully embrace the role by being a stay at home wife/slave while my Owner worked during the day. But that isn't our reality and so the energy is there regardless of whether we are both working or not.

Recently, I stumbled upon The Good Wife's Guide and while I suppose to many it's pretty offensive - to me it's actually quite stimulating!

Similarly, some time ago, a friend pointed me in the general direction of Taken In Hand. And for a quick summary of what that site is about, simply click here to read the 'in a nutshell' summary.

Now, mind you, there are a lot of things on that site I don't agree with, such as the gender binary, and the "marriage is between one man and one woman" because - um hello - I'm queer and my Owner is not a Man! ;)

But a lot of the energy and dynamics within it remind me of the stimulating side of a 1950's style relationship from the perspective of the Male is the Dominant/Authority and the woman is to be submissive/respectful/nurturing, etc and defer to her Husband.

The reality between Syr and I is that She has masculine energy and I - feminine. It is that very balance, that yin yang, that is so important to us in every way. It is that give and take, active and passive polarity that defines our marriage, our friendship, our D/s, and every other aspect of our relationship.

Oh.. and on a closing note - I just read Dr. Spencer's Spanking Plan (circa 1928) - and it made me almost instantly drenched (the only damper being the rule about no whipping or flogging.. puh-lease). Does this mean I am not gonna be accepted into the feminist club?

Oh darn.

Courtesy

Syr assigned me this topic from Submissive Journal Prompts:
Does your Owner stand on courtesy? Do they use please and thank you with requests from you? How does it make you feel? Do you not take it as an order if it has please after it?

My Owner most definitely stands on courtesy. She often says please and thank you, is often polite and almost always kind. I hadn't really spent a lot of time thinking about how Her courtesy makes me feel, or how it affects my submission, but upon reflection I think this plays into a lot of stereotype-based patterns of mine.

In my former experiences as a submissive, there were always really clearly defined 'times' when my submission was expected - and others when it wasn't. I blame that primarily on never having had an Owner as a primary or monogomous partner in the past. Because my kink relationships were always outside of my primary, more vanilla one, it kept things fairly compartmentalized.

I think the result was that I tended to associate my submission with certain circumstances/locations, etc and the rest of the time just go about day to day life. Now that I am in a more immersive 24/7 dynamic, living with and married to my Owner - I find that I still can have a tendency to compartmentalize. When my Owner is polite in asking me to do something or in expressing Herself, I can forget myself - and my place - and respond casually at or flippantly or even crankily (at worst).

Her courtesy sometimes translates as complacency and I forget my place and lose sight of the need to be respectful.

It isn't any fallacy of Hers that She is courteous - after all - She owns me - and shouldn't have to be aggressive just to get what She wants or needs from me. But it is certainly helpful for me to remember that even with a "please", it is still up to me to serve Her consistently.

Erotic Photography and Exhibitionism

"Explain more about your interest in erotic photography and exhibitionism"

I can thank Fetlife for this topic. Syr was reading my profile and making note of my fetish-list. LOL I hadn't really thought about that, though I suppose there are still things She doesn't know about me.

Erotic Photography

Besides simply looking at erotic photography, there is definitely a part of me that likes being a PART of erotic photography. Most of my favourite pictures of myself are at least a little bit naughty.

It makes sense, really. I really discovered self-confidence through my association with the kink community and lifestyle. It was at kink events where I first saw plus sized girls sexualized and eroticised. It was at kink events when I saw male subs worshipping at the feet of gorgeous plus-sized Dominas. It was at kink events where I felt wanted, desired, appreciated. It was at kink events when I first felt that my size was not a barrier to my ability to provoke arousal in others.

And so, it makes sense that I feel most attractive in erotic or sexually charged photographs. I've never really felt too shy about having naughty pictures of me taken. I've always trusted those I've allowed to take them, but for someone who can be so shy in public, you'd think I'd be darn near phobic of having nude or sexual photos taken of me. But I'm not.

At one time, I actually was being courted a little bit by a plus sized adult website - to be a model. That was a huge ego boost! I still remember reviewing the proof sheet of the photos that my then-Master had submitted to her. It made me feel very proud.

I'm a lot more private and practical about such things today. I don't want identifiable naughty photos of me floating around the web. I'm a lot more cautious. But I still like photos that portray me as a sexual, desirable, girl. And I love feeling like I am the object of someone's desire, enough so that they want pictures of me. Especially dirty pictures. ;)

Exhibitionism

I should really clarify this fetish. I am not at all comfortable being an exhibitionist of my own accord. I don't want to stand up on stage or be noticed because I've chosen to be noticed. I don't like being in the spotlight.

But...

'Forced Exhibitionism' is something else entirely. Within a D/s construct, being put on display at my Owner's will is something completely erotic and thrilling. It objectifies me in a way that is beyond stimulating. It makes me feel as if my Owner is proud of Her property, wants to show Her property off - almost like bragging rights.

When I was new to kink, I only wanted to play in private - i was so shy. But the first time a previous Owner put me up on a St. Andrew's Cross and beat me in public, my opinion changed. There was something so amazing about scening where everyone could see. I was shy and part of me wanted to hide, but another part of me recognized the opportunity to shine, to be a good mirror of my then-Owner's training, and to make Him proud. And so, in spite of my personal shy-ness and in spite of my personal self-consciousness, it gave me a new way to focus on my then-Owner.

While Syr and I do not get many opportunities to play publicly, the few times we have, I have felt that same rush of mixed emotions. Feeling self-conscious and unsure, even scared - and yet thrilled that Syr wanted me to be seen, wanted to put me up where others could see my obedience, and ultimately - was proud of me.

There is definitely, also, an exhibitionist element to wanting to show my submission to my Owner. I always adore an opportunity to kneel at Her feet in public, to wear Her collar and leash, and to truly revel in our dynamic in public. I think that since opportunities for that type of exhibitionism are few and far between - they seem even more intoxicating when they happen.

What don't I miss?

"Life circumstances managed to strip away many of the formalities and obvious routines and rituals of our dynamic. We've talked about what we both miss and want back. I want to know up to five things you don't miss."

What I don't miss?? There's nothing I don't miss, is there? I miss it all.

I miss being put on my fur before bed, on all fours with my forehead to the fur and arms stretched out in front of me (a la 'child's pose') with Her foot resting on the back of my head or neck. I miss the feeling of containment I would feel when my attitude would slip and She would 'adjust' it for me. I miss discipline and desire and the way the two mix in a juxtaposition of wanting so badly for the sensation of being held and safe in my boundaries and the way I would hate the actual sting of the paddle or the way my face would get hot and I would feel submissive shame for needing to be disciplined in the first place.

I really miss every last bit of it... don't I?

After thinking, somewhat carefully, about this - I did manage to come up with 5 though:

1. I don't miss the constant disruption from outside our bedroom window, whenever we would have the chance for quality private D/s time - that we were experiencing at our old home.
2. I don't miss the way I would get snippy so easy because of all the stress we were experiencing.
3. I don't miss the way my Owner would be cranky or stressed and therefore in the wrong kind of headspace to be comfortable exerting Her ownership of me.
4. I don't miss the way the stress we were dealing with would impact our ability to simply relax at home and enjoy each Other's company.
5. I don't miss the little ways we were getting on each other's nerves during the transition period.

*grins*

Okay, I know I cheated - a little... but the reality is, that when we are in the right frame of mind to explore our D/s fully together - there is nothing I truly dislike and would wish to go away forever.

There are certain punishments that Syr uses that I detest - and yet I am always grateful for Her attention and correction and the way Her punishments always teach me about myself or allow me to grow a little bit more.

There are certain especially stingy implements that give Syr great joy to use on me, and yet while I don't like the sensation they produce - physically - I am grateful for the feelings they evoke - emotionally.

So in all honesty, I miss it all. But I know that with the stresses of our old home behind us, we will be finding all of it again, or recreating new rituals, routines, rules, protocols, etc together. Either way, I am grateful for our new home, and for the fresh, clean, energy of renewal that came along with it.

Service

"What is service? What would be ideal?"

It looks like a simple assignment, doesn't it? Just 7 little words. But every time I thought about starting to write about it, I'd feel overwhelmed.

I've tried looking things up online, reading topics at Fetlife, and even google image searching - just for somewhere to start.

I once flew out of state to visit a Domme whom I respected a great deal. She ran a more formal D/s home. As a guest there, I was given an incredible opportunity to experience full time service-oriented submission. I was young, and while part of me thrilled at the possibility of pleasing someone whom I respected and longed to impress, I found it a lot more challenging than I thought it would be.

Much of my BDSM experience, at that time, was online or with less experienced Dominants who were more about the 'scene' than a full time service submissive. And so, experiencing what it was like to be so immersed in service was a bit of a rude awakening. It was the first 'vacation' I'd taken as an adult, alone, and I was spending it scrubbing and dusting and cleaning, and answering to an Alpha sub in the household.

I remember precisely the moment that I 'broke'. I had been told to focus on one room for the day. And I focused. I rubbed and dusted and washed every surface I could find with uncanny detail. I found the work itself meditative and pleasurable in the way that it allowed me to fully surrender to my feelings of submissiveness and with the goal of pleasing the Lady I was there to serve. The Alpha submissive in the household was working in other rooms. At the end of each day, we were to stop working at a specific time. And when that time came, I went to go take a shower to get ready for the evening. When I came out of the shower, I found the Alpha sub walking through the room I'd cleaned, literally wearing a white glove, inspecting my work.

I remember the way that felt, as the Lady whom I was there to serve sat on the couch, perusing a magazine. I remember feeling utterly panicked. I was terrified that I hadn't done well enough. And when I saw the Alpha approach a table that I suddenly realized I hadn't dusted at all - I knew I hadn't done well enough. I was almost instantly angry. Furious, even.

I fell apart then. I had a full blown tantrum of sorts. I felt like I was serving the Alpha and not the Lady. I felt like whatever I did, it wouldn't be good enough. I felt picked on. I felt resentful.

I think I lost my temper, perhaps got in a fight with the Alpha. It was a long time ago, and I don't remember all the details, but I am sure of one thing: I was wholly unprepared for the reality of service - and was still young and selfish and was just terribly disappointed that there was no glamorous reward at the end of a long hard day of work. I received attention, of a sort, and was treated with respect. But at that point in my life, all my BDSM included play. I was really a selfish brat, really. I was given free lodging, taken care of - thoroughly treated well. But I was so upset/triggered by the service aspect of my time there, that I am certain I ended up really disrespecting my Hostess and Her household.

One conversation I had with the Lady near the end of the week, and following my third emotional breakdown of sorts, was that maybe I wasn't cut out to be a slave, or even a submissive. She explained to me, that it was ok. That maybe I was more geared to being a 'bottom'. I remember how that stung, because that wasn't what my heart really yearned for. But I also didn't know how to reconcile my selfish and panicky reactions with wanting to be a full time submissive or slave. How could I be one without the desire to provide service?

Since then, I have grown up a great deal. Though one thing has remained constant - my insecurity about my ability to offer 'service'.

My experience with my first Master reinforced this. As His collared slave, I wanted so very much to please Him. I had a slave-sister (His wife), and I only saw Him on weekends as we lived an hour and a half away from each other. But whenever He would give me a domestic chore, I would get frustrated and resentful because His house was very dirty, way beyond unsanitary due to the way He and His wife did not do any (or very little) housekeeping throughout the week, nor did they care for their pets properly so the messes were overwhelming when I would show up. I was honest with Him and admitted that I could not do the domestic service aspect. He understood and agreed. Yet this certainly didn't give me an opportunity to explore 'service' in a positive way.

All of that may be water under the bridge. Or maybe it isn't. One thing has stuck with me throughout the years, and into every relationship though - a certain amount of fear of domestic service.

So when my Owner, whom I love, adore and want nothing more than to please - asked me what Service is... I found myself freezing up a little, unsure what to write.

Service is...

Service is anticipating my Owner's needs and desires and offering those things, selflessly.

Service is when asked to do a task, no matter how little or big, doing it with a pleasant demeanor and without delay.

Service is not becoming complacent during times when our interactions have to be primarily vanilla due to lack of privacy, and still finding ways to provide for the needs and desires of my Owner.


What is ideal?

Ideally, service would come easily to me or - if not - I would actively work on it.

Ideally, my Owner would deliberately give me tasks, perhaps even one I find mildly distasteful as a training exercise, to help me overcome fears and also to condition me to be pleasing for Her. My Owner would inspect, even if casually, the work that I do to ensure it meets Her expectations.

Ideally, my Owner would ask little things of me when we are in more vanilla settings - whether to get Her a cup of coffee or tea, or make Her a snack - and would correct or discipline me (later) for any inappropriate responses that I give in the moment. IE if She asked for a coffee and I stalled or avoided doing it or pouted or sulked, I'd receive a correction or punishment later.


In the past, Syr has given me small realistic daily chores. Making the bed each day, getting the coffee ready and on weekends, serving it to Her. I know that I do crave the ritual connection to my submission that I feel when I have ritual tasks to complete on a daily or weekly basis.

Homework for a little girl

Imagine: I have just commented on a negative behaviour.

you will spend the next ten minutes thinking about recent incidents between us.

you will then take as long as you need to think of 5 possible responses that are NOT:

• defensive
• explaining away the behaviour
• confrontational (reverse blaming)
• self-attacking
• apologetic in any non-productive way

I expect to see this completed with time to discuss before 9pm tonight.

This represents the first assignment that I have received from my Owner in a long time. So much has gotten in the way and this was one thing that really went on the back burner for a very long time.

As much as I got a thrill out of seeing the paper with the instructions on my pillow, I still wrinkled my nose and stuck out my lip in all of its pouty glory as soon as I read it. I couldn't help but sulk that my first assignment after so much time is one of those.

In all my petulance, when I went back to read it again, more thoroughly, I read the first line and got hung up - "Imagine I have just commented on a negative behaviour". I rejected that line. I said in my head "Well what if it was just YOU perceiving my behaviour as negative? What if I wasn't doing anything wrong and it was just YOU misperceiving me?"

I caught myself thinking that, and then on the heels of that thought came one simple idea slamming home. If my Owner thinks that something I am doing is negative behaviour, then it IS negative behaviour. After all, a good girl wants to please her Owner.

There was something travelling about the blogosphere lately that has really stuck with both me and Syr. I read it over at kaya's blog, and she had actually quoted it from kitten's blog and I now quote it here:

"Step One to pleasing your Master

SHUT UP.

Yes. Stop talking. Hush your mouth. Stop speaking. That

is the very first step in pleasing your Master.

Step Two.

LISTEN TO WHAT HE SAYS.

Listening is different from hearing. Listen to what he says. Get in there. Hear the words and retain them. Really listen. And if you want to say something while he’s talking? Refer back to STEP ONE.

Step Three

The Last and I think most important step in pleasing your Master is this simple phrase. This action should come directly after LISTENING.

DO WHAT HE SAID."

It's perfect in its simplicity, and it comes to my mind often when I catch myself being resistant, as it did this evening. And then I got over my shit - and did step three:

Thinking of being corrected on negative behaviour was easy.

Spending 10 minutes thiking about recent incidents between us was a little more difficult. After musing on the three simple steps, suddenly most of our recent 'incidents' made me feel a little ridiculous. If even half of those times I had even just done step 1, things would have gone much differently.

Surprisingly, thinking of five positive responses, was a LOT easier in this context than I thought it was going to be.

1. Say something like:"Thanks for telling me how that made You feel, I'll try to be more careful about my tone/how I express myself/my choice of words next time." Then stop talking and Listen.
   
2. Give the benefit of the doubt. Rather than assuming that my Owner is angry, assume FIRST that it was a simple correction and if I still feel like my Owner is angry - ask. Then stop talking and Listen.
   
3. I'm sorry, Syr/Daddy/my Owner. Then stop talking and Listen.
   
4. Remind myself that any correction is done to benefit me, my Owner, or for the greater good of our relationship, THEN acknowledge my Owner's correction calmly. Then stop talking and Listen.
   
5. Instead of a flat denial which devalues and undermines my Owner, be less literal and recognize that even if that wasn't what i "meant" or how I "intended" to come across, that if my behaviour was perceived by my Owner negatively, then there is something to be fixed. Respond with trust by acknowledging my Owner's perception, then stop talking and Listen.

Gee, did I learn anything? I can't really say it's something NEW, exactly. My biggest fallacy is talking too much. No, seriously. I talk, talk, talk. I fill the silence, especially uncomfortable, tense, disappointing, or angry silences - those are my specialty. And when disapproval of any kind enters the picture, the silence doesn't even have to last more than, oh, a millisecond and I am rushing to fill it.

Where is the trust in my Owner? I need to give in, relax, breathe and remember to trust, to breathe, and to listen... just listen.

"Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much" ~ Robert Greenleaf

"The best time to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must say something or bust." ~ Josh Billings

"The first duty of love is to listen" ~ Paul Tillich

Ahh... surrender.

Perhaps all that is ever needed is for the other areas of our life to fall into place in such a way that we have the freedom of energy to express ourselves to one another the way we wish we could all the time.

I don't know all the answers, or maybe even any of them, but one thing I do know is that when our home really is our sanctuary, it becomes my Owner's castle, and truly Her domain. We've had a lot of stress in the last year in our home, stress that had nothing to do with our family or ourselves but rather an outside stressful influence. That and Syr's job were both huge sources of stress. That stress bled its way into every area of our lives.

It is only now that the Universe has cleared away a lot of those outside stressors, that we are even realizing how very much it affected us, bled into every area of our life.

The biggest impact was the energy between us, that which is raw and real, not the muted energy that tends to float around us when we are just... getting by.

Well, the reconnect time we had planned, was almost more about hitting the 'reset' button, then necessarily reconnecting in all the ways we had planned. Since that week of blissful privacy, a lot of life changes have been set into motion that have found us rediscovering energy that was lurking in the corners of our world, the energy is now creeping more and more back into the light.

Since my last post, Syr has been opening me up all over again, peeling back - so slowly - the petals that had closed tightly around me. She has been my Daddy, holding me while I cried tears of stress and anxiety. She has been my Syr, growling in my ear and placing my forehead to the floor, hands tangled in my hair. She has been my Owner, pressing into me with brutal force, claiming me absolutely and demanding my tears of release.

The other night, She laid me out bare and open to Her. Thighs spread, my deepest secrets revealed for Her inspection. She refused to let me shy away from Her gaze, to close my thighs or cover myself. It was not the first time, but it was somehow different. This time, more intense, less.... forgiving of my shyness. Her expectation was clear. Each transgression resulted in sharp reminder-slaps to my inner thighs. And when my Owner decided to deliver a few sharp smacks my exposed, tenderest flesh, I felt myself shudder and yelp with the pain and utter delight of being claimed.

Something was different as she delivered each slap with full intent. It wasn't about the sensations I was experiencing in receiving them - as much as it was about the sensations She was experiencing in delivering them. It was as if, She was feeling ... validated in Her ownership, perhaps in a way She hadn't before, or perhaps more intensely than She had before.

And when She took me, driving into me with all Her raw power and possession, I felt Her keenly, all of Her. The energy flowed freely between us, unblocked by other things, other thoughts, other stresses. There was only us, as She blinded me to everything in the world but Her. She pressed all of Her into me, with driving relentlessness, demanding one thing -

My total and complete surrender.

And with an explosion of myself and a release of all that has been, and the faith in what is and the belief in what will be, I gave it to Her.

Reconnecting

It's hard to find a groove, sometimes, when day to day life just gets in the way. Syr and I had a series of circumstances that just really put us in, well, a bit of a dry spell I guess you could say.

Most of these circumstances were physical stuff. Not feeling well for one reason or another, busy life stresses preventing privacy, other things having to come first, etc.

But there are have been lessons learned along the way. It's been a long summer, and one lesson I have learned is to work on integrating my respect for Syr as my Owner into these more mundane life realities. To find peace in Her ownership when the world is swirling around us and private moments are hard to come by. I often flounder during those times, and my treatment of Her changes - as if I forget that Her ownership extends into all areas of my life.

It is during these mundane, busy-life times that I often find myself jealous of those who do not live with their Owner, or at least live alone with their Owner. The immersive quality of being able to fully embrace my little girl self without worrying about how it might affect the others around me...

Although, I must say that Syr's discovery of another side of Herself during this time was a lovely addition to our dynamic. Syr found Herself fully embracing the Daddy side much more. While the Daddy/little girl energy was always there, feeling Her full embrace of it was a lovely treat. And I will say that we really enjoyed thriving within that dynamic during our other down-time as it seemed to work naturally.

This week, we have our first opportunity for alone time in a long-time and both of us are looking forward to reconnecting with each other, and re solidifying some things.

Okay, to put it bluntly, I need a really good beating!!! Seriously.

But meanwhile, even just the anticipation of this upcoming alone time has us both feeling a little... on edge... in that absolutely delicious way.

Hard stuff

All of this is just stream of consciousness stuff, just the thoughts/emotions put to paper (er screen) as they bubble to the surface. It’s long, it’s babbly, and it won't always make sense to anyone else:

Today, I was asked to do something really simple. It was the sort of simple thing that is relatively easy to do. It’s the sort of thing that is really important to me to be able to do. But today, when asked, I couldn’t do it. It was a circumstantial thing, and was no fault of my own.

I had to say I couldn’t do it, and I felt really bad, like a disappointment. I felt, emotionally, as if I should surpass all circumstances to be able to do this when asked. I felt like maybe I was wrong for not just doing it anyway.

Common sense says that not doing it was completely reasonable given the circumstances. She had asked me to address Her properly (call Her Syr), but I was at work, the office was very quiet, and I sit at the front desk so there was a huge lack of privacy.

My personal programming and emotions, however, felt I was being selfish and letting my personal issues get in the way of doing what I was asked to do.

And so, I felt bad. I felt like a disappointment, and I felt like I had done something wrong. I suppose I shouldn’t have been so bothered by it. There are a lot of things that bother me that I don’t think *should* bother me.

I reached out to Syr then. I sent Her a text message letting Her know that I had almost cried telling Her I couldn’t do it, and that I was quite upset.

She didn’t reply right away, so I texted again. “Syr??”

A few moments later, I had a voicemail and all it said was “I got your messages at the same time which is why I didn’t reply to the first one.”

Huh!?

Now I was confused AND upset. I had told Syr I was upset, why wasn’t She reassuring me, or saying something… anything.. to let me know it was okay. I wasn’t sure if She just wasn’t understanding or what. I tried again to reach out and let Her know I wasn’t doing so hot… and this time She texted “I know.”

That’s it… just “I know.”

This went on for a few messages back and forth but still only got one-word replies. She was on Her way to come to my office, to pick up the key as She had left work early. She asked if I could take an early lunch. I didn’t know.

Suddenly I was hyper aware. I felt exposed, vulnerable. I was upset and trying not to cry. I sit at the front desk – everyone can see me. Suddenly I was sure people were staring. It was 11:30. I usually take my lunch at 1pm. From 12 to 1pm, I usually cover the phones as everyone else takes their lunch then. I was suddenly anxious about even asking a co-worker to cover for me. I was still waiting on a different co-worker to get back to me with some answers I was waiting on and I was acutely aware of having to either push him to come up to my desk like now (he’d already kept me waiting all morning) OR having to walk out on him.

Syr showed up and my anxiety was through the roof. I didn’t know what to do. I could barely speak; I knew I was going to start crying any moment.

Finally I managed to ask someone to cover for me… but I felt bad about that too.

Syr said “it’s okay if you can’t”, but I was so freaked out, so upset.. how could I not take a break, talk to Her.. something.? It’s like She was totally oblivious to how anxious and upset I was, how hard it was for me to function at all right then.

I took my break… and quickly learned that Syr was doing this – on purpose.

*soft sigh*

She wants me to think about my reaction… and that’s mostly what She said while She was here: “I want you to think about it.”

She said a lot of other stuff too, but I just kept reacting. I feel like I’m still reacting. I was angry, then sad, then angry, then feeling lost, then angry, then resentful, then hurt, then angry…

I feel ridiculous because all I keep thinking is “tell me what You want me to think about, damnit!” and “why IS it so hard to just reassure me? Just tell me it’s ok!”

But She doesn’t want to give me the answer; She wants me to find it on my own. Great. I know this is Her job, to push me, to help me grow, to be healthier and stronger…

And at times like this, I just hate it. Sometimes, I don’t WANT to be stronger or healthier. Sometimes I just want to be anxious and have Her swoop in and make it all better. I feel so young right now – so young and helpless.

I know it’s not good for either of us if I have to have Her hold my hand anytime I get upset. She supports me but it’s not healthy for her to enable or coddle me into dependence.

And I think that’s why this all feels so foreign. I was raised to be as dependent as humanly possible. I was taught that my value was in being dependent, and allowing myself to be controlled. I was also taught NEVER to say no… to anything. I was raised to be a doormat. It’s HARD for me to feel okay about saying “I can’t.” And that’s what started this whole thing in the first place.

I am a much stronger woman than I used to be and usually my surrender and submission comes from that place of strength. But then something so simple and small undoes me. I feel resentment for the lesson. Syr wants me to have tools… I want to stomp my feet and yell “I don’t want tools! I want YOU!”

And now I guess I understand what She meant when She said She doesn’t want to feel obligated to pull me out of these emotional spirals. When She first said that I was like “But that’s Your JOB!” You should have seen the eyebrow arch on that one. *sigh*

And I was so MAD. I wanted this to be HER mess-up, not mine! If She would only understand that if She would just let me know it’s okay, I’d stop panicking, and since normally She would say “it’s ok”, and therefore I wouldn’t panic, can’t She see that the answer to this is simple?

In other words, “Syr, if you would just suck it up and hold my hand and make it all better for me all the time so that I never have to do it myself, everything would be just fine!! Now go ahead and top me, ok?”

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

But really, I don’t top from the bottom. *facepalm*

And as sure as She likely predicted, now that I’m doing what She asked me to do and… “thinking about it”, I get it. I need to learn the tools to deal with these triggers without letting them upset me to the point of such a vicious emotional spiral. I couldn’t do something I was asked to do. So what? Don’t I trust Syr to understand circumstantial vanilla-world reasoning why I couldn’t? Don’t I trust Her to know that if I could have done what was asked, I would have? Do I really think She would be really and truly disappointed in me? Why WAS I so upset at having to say, “I can’t”?

I recognize that some part of me is convinced that if I don’t somehow DO the right things, that people will abandon me, will leave me.. will realize I’m not worthy.

I hate that thinking about things like this make me feel so broken and damaged. I hate that. I know that later I will feel better and I will know that I’m not as screwed up as I feel, but sometimes – I just marvel that I’m even able to function in day to day society. I sometimes wonder at how Syr doesn’t just throw up Her hands. I feel like I’m just so much damned WORK.

Damned if that isn’t some good psych couch 101 talk right there, eh?

It comes down to the concept of an innate sense of self-worth. I don’t have that, automatically. I have to work at it. I have to work to remind myself of it. Some people, healthy people, they know they’re worthy of affection, of love, of… Ownership ;) I’m not one of them, not without consciously working at it. I am constantly out to “prove” that I’m worth loving, or worth owning. I measure my value by my actions, by the things I do for others, so when I can’t do something – I feel as if I am putting my personal value on the line. “If I don’t do this, they won’t love me anymore”. It’s not that I think that, consciously, but it is what the underlying emotion sort of feels like.

Thanks to more than one family member for instilling THAT in me. I was never good enough for them and they made sure I knew it, and that I was always striving to “improve” so I could win their appreciation, respect, love, etc.

As is true for most lessons in submission, this boils down to trust.

If Syr asks me to do something, and I tell Her that I can’t, I have to trust Her that if it’s not okay, She’ll let me know. Why am I not acting on the assumption that it IS ok? Why did I need Her to reassure me and let me know it was okay? Why did I get so upset in the first place?

I have to trust that it’s not the end of the world even if I DO disappoint Syr (or anyone) a little. What’s the big deal? Sometimes Syr does something that isn’t exactly what I would have wanted. Do I stop loving Her? Stop wanting Her? No. So why would I think it would be such a huge ordeal if I disappoint Her a little now and then?

Maybe this is all I needed, just to think it through. Maybe next time, I will trust easier, and be less likely to spiral. I think what scares me is that now that I’ve acknowledged it, it will happen anyway. Once I realize these things I just want them fixed NOW. I’m not so patient, you know?

Time will tell. Meanwhile, I feel a little better – a little more like I understand why Syr decided to teach me this lesson.

I still hurt a bit. I still want to cry – a lot. But at least I’m not so damned worked up and confused and angry and hurt. And I know now where a lot of my reaction came from, and so I’m taking ownership of that.

I know I’m loved. I know I’m owned. And I trust my Owner, my love, my Syr.

A hard but wonderful day with Syr

As the subject line indicates, my day with Syr, today was both hard - and wonderful.

Since our relationship began both long-distance and online with many of our life circumstances being so different, our dynamic has been a constant evolution over the past two years. When I married Syr, and moved in, and became a part of an already established family, much changed.

Having a strong heavy-handed D/s relationship online, on the phone, long-distance is easier in some ways and harder in others. But consistency and lots of quality (private) D/s time was definitely much easier! Syr lived three thousand miles away and in a timezone that was three hours ahead of me. And so, by the time we began chatting in the evening, She had much privacy on her end of things as all but Her were fast asleep... and I had privacy on my end... and our activities involved much typing or talking quietly (at least on Her end).

When we began living together every day, we realized how much easier having that kind of privacy is when your D/s activities can be conducted so easily in private - and long distance! So much had to be adjusted.

I give us full credit for maintaining such a powerful D/s, Owner/slave connection in spite of life's challenges. I have been in relationships that failed to leap similar hurdles and I am already quite pleased and in awe of the creative ways we have kept that fire going.

But, because of the adjustments of living together, sharing our lives together and sharing the responsibilities and chores of maintaining a household together, our D/s is constantly shifting, changing, switching course, etc.

As mentioned in my previous post, the movie "Secretary" yielded some marvelous discussions and ultimately a much needed punishment for me.

Syr awakened me this morning in the most beautiful way. She opened the window above the bed, reached out and plucked a pink cherry blossom that was nearly touching the window, and ran it along my cheek.

I always marvel at Her ability for such tenderness and such spontaneous romance, and feel like the luckiest girl and slave around for having such a thoughtful and loving partner and Syr.

*blush* In any case...

My morning started out, interesting. We'd planned a trip to a lovely garden about 90 minutes outside of town. We were preparing to leave when I thoughtlessly and accidentally broke the very rule that I had broken the day before that led to my punishment. I was chewing on my nail.

This is a longstanding bad habit that Syr HATES and She has made her opinion on the matter quite clear.

Last night when She gave me... so many hard stinging strokes with the crop, She reminded me that I am not to chew or pick at my nails (or my lip), that it is NOT allowed. I knew by the look on Her face when She caught me this morning, that She was certainly not going to let it slide.

It's such a mindless habit, and I was trembling a little as we headed downstairs to the underground garage where the car was parked.

The garage was empty and Syr ordered me around to the side of the car. She took down my pants right there, pulling them and my panties down over my hips and exposing my bottom. She gave me several sharp, stinging slaps to my bottom.

I must have looked just like Lee from the movie, then, so shocked. She'd never disciplined me in a public place before. Yes it was empty, there, and She was keeping a close eye out, but my Goddess, I never expected that.

Sitting in the car with my warmed bottom, knowing I'd been disciplined like that, made me feel very little and owned. I knew it was going to be an interesting day.

On the way there, Syr established some rules for me. I am to finish my journal entry (handwritten journal) before I am allowed to play (computer, tv, etc) each evening. I am to ask permission before eating chocolate, candy, or other sweets. I am not to pick/chew.

We arrived at the gardens with around 2 hours until they were to close for the day. Syr gave me the camera and let me take whatever photos I wished and also pointed out shots that She wanted. She was walking with Her cane, today, and so it was a service to Her that I be the primary photographer (and I love taking photos of flowers and nature close-up and She knows it).

The walk was absolutely beautiful and the gardens weren't very busy, probably as it was later in the day and close to closing time.

And then, at one point in the path, Syr stopped and faced me.

"Kneel, little slave."

I looked at Her, speechless. People could be coming up the path any moment. "Now??" I asked (yes oh so very slave-like of me).

She stuck one foot out in front of Her slightly and said "if anyone comes, you can look like you're helping me tie my shoe. Kneel."

I shakily dropped one knee to the ground.

"Both knees, slave."

I put the second knee down, and now, kneeling properly, I looked up at Her.

"Put Your forehead to my shoe."

I whimpered very softly, and placed my forehead down.

"Good girl, stand up."

She held me a moment and kissed my temple, praising me for my obedience. I can't tell you all how little and owned I felt then, how loved and how submissive and how ... melty.

She made an afternoon of these shows of Her ownership of me after that.

She stopped me at a small fence overlooking part of the gardens and not even whispering, began counting me down.

People moved up the path that was only 10 feet or so behind us, and while She counted more softly, She didn't stop.

After she said "one." She whispered "Cum, slave" in my ear and I did, trembling softly and leaning into Her. After a quick glance to make sure no one was near a moment later, She ordered me again, this time much more forcefully and once again, I did.

I had to sit down after that and we had our snack together. The small chocolate and peanut butter treat that I was allowed helped ground me some, but I was still somewhat distracted and floaty. In my zoney headspace, I absentmindedly lifted my thumbnail to my teeth for the briefest of moments.

That was all it took though, and I looked at Syr in alarm, sure She was going to find a way to take down my pants right there in the gardens!

She knew what I feared, and so She gave me one option: "There is no one on the path near us right now so you have a very small window of opportunity to kneel at my feet and apologize properly."

In a flash I fell to my knees at Her feet in front of the wooden park bench where we had been sitting together moments before. I placed my forehead on the top of Her shoe and spoke, "I'm sorry, Syr" and stayed in that position for - what felt like eternity but was probably only the briefest of moments - before She told me I could get up again.

I think that I must have floated half-dazed through the beauty of the gardens. Moments like these ones blending with the simple appreciation of tulips and rhododendrons.

At another point, She stopped and had me kneel once again and put my forehead on Her shoe. This time I was to say "You are my Owner, Syr."

She counted me down at least once more, and had me kneel for a final time when we were in a small asian part of the gardens.

We left the gardens and started the long drive home, stopping at several destinations to check out some beautiful piece of our region. At a lake we stopped at, thankfully the other people there had just departed, Syr took my pants down and spanked me again, another discipline for chewing my nail.

And, I had to learn a lesson in remembering She is in charge when I tried to micromanage her navigating to get us home.

I feel very owned, very safe, and very loved today.

Now, if I could just continue to improve on that nail-biting habit and avoid future punishments, things would be just GRAND!