Hard stuff

All of this is just stream of consciousness stuff, just the thoughts/emotions put to paper (er screen) as they bubble to the surface. It’s long, it’s babbly, and it won't always make sense to anyone else:

Today, I was asked to do something really simple. It was the sort of simple thing that is relatively easy to do. It’s the sort of thing that is really important to me to be able to do. But today, when asked, I couldn’t do it. It was a circumstantial thing, and was no fault of my own.

I had to say I couldn’t do it, and I felt really bad, like a disappointment. I felt, emotionally, as if I should surpass all circumstances to be able to do this when asked. I felt like maybe I was wrong for not just doing it anyway.

Common sense says that not doing it was completely reasonable given the circumstances. She had asked me to address Her properly (call Her Syr), but I was at work, the office was very quiet, and I sit at the front desk so there was a huge lack of privacy.

My personal programming and emotions, however, felt I was being selfish and letting my personal issues get in the way of doing what I was asked to do.

And so, I felt bad. I felt like a disappointment, and I felt like I had done something wrong. I suppose I shouldn’t have been so bothered by it. There are a lot of things that bother me that I don’t think *should* bother me.

I reached out to Syr then. I sent Her a text message letting Her know that I had almost cried telling Her I couldn’t do it, and that I was quite upset.

She didn’t reply right away, so I texted again. “Syr??”

A few moments later, I had a voicemail and all it said was “I got your messages at the same time which is why I didn’t reply to the first one.”

Huh!?

Now I was confused AND upset. I had told Syr I was upset, why wasn’t She reassuring me, or saying something… anything.. to let me know it was okay. I wasn’t sure if She just wasn’t understanding or what. I tried again to reach out and let Her know I wasn’t doing so hot… and this time She texted “I know.”

That’s it… just “I know.”

This went on for a few messages back and forth but still only got one-word replies. She was on Her way to come to my office, to pick up the key as She had left work early. She asked if I could take an early lunch. I didn’t know.

Suddenly I was hyper aware. I felt exposed, vulnerable. I was upset and trying not to cry. I sit at the front desk – everyone can see me. Suddenly I was sure people were staring. It was 11:30. I usually take my lunch at 1pm. From 12 to 1pm, I usually cover the phones as everyone else takes their lunch then. I was suddenly anxious about even asking a co-worker to cover for me. I was still waiting on a different co-worker to get back to me with some answers I was waiting on and I was acutely aware of having to either push him to come up to my desk like now (he’d already kept me waiting all morning) OR having to walk out on him.

Syr showed up and my anxiety was through the roof. I didn’t know what to do. I could barely speak; I knew I was going to start crying any moment.

Finally I managed to ask someone to cover for me… but I felt bad about that too.

Syr said “it’s okay if you can’t”, but I was so freaked out, so upset.. how could I not take a break, talk to Her.. something.? It’s like She was totally oblivious to how anxious and upset I was, how hard it was for me to function at all right then.

I took my break… and quickly learned that Syr was doing this – on purpose.

*soft sigh*

She wants me to think about my reaction… and that’s mostly what She said while She was here: “I want you to think about it.”

She said a lot of other stuff too, but I just kept reacting. I feel like I’m still reacting. I was angry, then sad, then angry, then feeling lost, then angry, then resentful, then hurt, then angry…

I feel ridiculous because all I keep thinking is “tell me what You want me to think about, damnit!” and “why IS it so hard to just reassure me? Just tell me it’s ok!”

But She doesn’t want to give me the answer; She wants me to find it on my own. Great. I know this is Her job, to push me, to help me grow, to be healthier and stronger…

And at times like this, I just hate it. Sometimes, I don’t WANT to be stronger or healthier. Sometimes I just want to be anxious and have Her swoop in and make it all better. I feel so young right now – so young and helpless.

I know it’s not good for either of us if I have to have Her hold my hand anytime I get upset. She supports me but it’s not healthy for her to enable or coddle me into dependence.

And I think that’s why this all feels so foreign. I was raised to be as dependent as humanly possible. I was taught that my value was in being dependent, and allowing myself to be controlled. I was also taught NEVER to say no… to anything. I was raised to be a doormat. It’s HARD for me to feel okay about saying “I can’t.” And that’s what started this whole thing in the first place.

I am a much stronger woman than I used to be and usually my surrender and submission comes from that place of strength. But then something so simple and small undoes me. I feel resentment for the lesson. Syr wants me to have tools… I want to stomp my feet and yell “I don’t want tools! I want YOU!”

And now I guess I understand what She meant when She said She doesn’t want to feel obligated to pull me out of these emotional spirals. When She first said that I was like “But that’s Your JOB!” You should have seen the eyebrow arch on that one. *sigh*

And I was so MAD. I wanted this to be HER mess-up, not mine! If She would only understand that if She would just let me know it’s okay, I’d stop panicking, and since normally She would say “it’s ok”, and therefore I wouldn’t panic, can’t She see that the answer to this is simple?

In other words, “Syr, if you would just suck it up and hold my hand and make it all better for me all the time so that I never have to do it myself, everything would be just fine!! Now go ahead and top me, ok?”

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

But really, I don’t top from the bottom. *facepalm*

And as sure as She likely predicted, now that I’m doing what She asked me to do and… “thinking about it”, I get it. I need to learn the tools to deal with these triggers without letting them upset me to the point of such a vicious emotional spiral. I couldn’t do something I was asked to do. So what? Don’t I trust Syr to understand circumstantial vanilla-world reasoning why I couldn’t? Don’t I trust Her to know that if I could have done what was asked, I would have? Do I really think She would be really and truly disappointed in me? Why WAS I so upset at having to say, “I can’t”?

I recognize that some part of me is convinced that if I don’t somehow DO the right things, that people will abandon me, will leave me.. will realize I’m not worthy.

I hate that thinking about things like this make me feel so broken and damaged. I hate that. I know that later I will feel better and I will know that I’m not as screwed up as I feel, but sometimes – I just marvel that I’m even able to function in day to day society. I sometimes wonder at how Syr doesn’t just throw up Her hands. I feel like I’m just so much damned WORK.

Damned if that isn’t some good psych couch 101 talk right there, eh?

It comes down to the concept of an innate sense of self-worth. I don’t have that, automatically. I have to work at it. I have to work to remind myself of it. Some people, healthy people, they know they’re worthy of affection, of love, of… Ownership ;) I’m not one of them, not without consciously working at it. I am constantly out to “prove” that I’m worth loving, or worth owning. I measure my value by my actions, by the things I do for others, so when I can’t do something – I feel as if I am putting my personal value on the line. “If I don’t do this, they won’t love me anymore”. It’s not that I think that, consciously, but it is what the underlying emotion sort of feels like.

Thanks to more than one family member for instilling THAT in me. I was never good enough for them and they made sure I knew it, and that I was always striving to “improve” so I could win their appreciation, respect, love, etc.

As is true for most lessons in submission, this boils down to trust.

If Syr asks me to do something, and I tell Her that I can’t, I have to trust Her that if it’s not okay, She’ll let me know. Why am I not acting on the assumption that it IS ok? Why did I need Her to reassure me and let me know it was okay? Why did I get so upset in the first place?

I have to trust that it’s not the end of the world even if I DO disappoint Syr (or anyone) a little. What’s the big deal? Sometimes Syr does something that isn’t exactly what I would have wanted. Do I stop loving Her? Stop wanting Her? No. So why would I think it would be such a huge ordeal if I disappoint Her a little now and then?

Maybe this is all I needed, just to think it through. Maybe next time, I will trust easier, and be less likely to spiral. I think what scares me is that now that I’ve acknowledged it, it will happen anyway. Once I realize these things I just want them fixed NOW. I’m not so patient, you know?

Time will tell. Meanwhile, I feel a little better – a little more like I understand why Syr decided to teach me this lesson.

I still hurt a bit. I still want to cry – a lot. But at least I’m not so damned worked up and confused and angry and hurt. And I know now where a lot of my reaction came from, and so I’m taking ownership of that.

I know I’m loved. I know I’m owned. And I trust my Owner, my love, my Syr.