Good slave or Bad slave?

Syr was reading some posts on fetlife the other day and one thread in particular caught Her attention.  A question had been asked by a frustrated poster about whether or not readers hold their partners to impossibly high standards and how that helps or hinders them.  I was asked to review the thread and responses and write about it.

Honestly, this subject is so perasive in the kink community as to be well beyond redundant.  It seems one of two things is almost always going on: Either we're busy building up hype around the stereotypical standard of what makes a good Master or a good slave (or bottom, submissive, etc) or we're busy complaining about the impossible standard.

And ... honestly I've been a member of both camps.  In the first camp of building up the hype/stereotype it's often in relations to myself.  I find that I often measure myself against other submissives or slaves and questioning whether I'm good enough.  Really it's no different than the way I fall into the nasty habit of comparing myself to other women, other femmes, other coworkers, etc.  I seem to have a lot of old programming and old bad habits surrounding my perceptions of my self, skewing them.  The slightest mistake can leave me feeling worthless and unlovable.  It's hard to overcome this instinctual self-depreciation, especially after a period of bad behaviour or after losing my temper. :(

But, one thing is glaringly obvious - no sane person expects their partner to be perfect.  That impossible standard I sometimes hold myself to is my own - not my Owner's.  She is perfectly content to own me - even with all my imperfections.  She's knows I'm a work-in-progress and it is largely through Her endless patience and loving instruction that I have done so much growing during the time She's owned me.  Why then do I become so paralyzed with fear whenever I mis-step?

A huge part of my personality is to be a people-pleaser.  And who do I most desperately want to please more than my Owner, my Daddy?  It makes sense that I struggle with impossible standards that I set for myself.  But it makes more sense that I work on learning to trust.  She thinks I'm special, and so I am.  

Holidays with Daddy

This was an amazing holiday with my Daddy!

For presents, i got my Daddy a new dremel-style tool, a Happy Bunny calendar, an LED flashlight multi-tool thingie, and a Bread Machine which was Her big gift.... oh yes and a Costco-sized package of yeast for bread-making so She could start right away. *grins*  

Daddy got me the Onyx booster deck for my Killer Bunnies and the Quest for the Magic Carrot game,  Animal Crossing City Folk for the Wii, an Idog Amp'd, and most special of all: a new bracelet-collar to wear.  My last one broke several months ago and I had been missing this physical reminder of Her ownership.

It feels good to finger it, touch it, look at it, feel the weight of it on my wrist, like a security blanket.  Maybe that's silly, it is - after all - just an object and does not make or break my status as Her owned little girl and slave.   But that's ok.  I love to love it. :)

Obedience

My Owner and I have had lots of intense conversation lately.

I'm calling it conversation because saying we've had several *arguments* doesn't sound as pretty. ;)

Okay so it wasn't pretty. I have issues and lots of them, and I know it. I've made tremendous leaps and bounds of improvement, but sometimes those issues still get the better of me.

It looks a little something like this:
Syr says something Her slave doesn't like.
slave behaves badly/acts out
Syr gets angry/frustrated
slave rewinds events in her head and realizes she was behaving REALLY badly.
slave learns valuable lesson(s)

The three steps to pleasing my Owner have become a sort of running guideline for my goals and work on my slavery and obedience. They come to mind often, and are often used as a benchmark when discussing things that 'go wrong'. Usually if something unpleasant occurs between us it's because I either didn't shut up, didn't listen, and/or didn't do what I was told.

It's interesting how something so basic can be applied to virtually every unpleasant moment!

After the last one, though, one thing became crystal clear. I've not been doing much of any of those three things lately.

Yesterday, I began making a very conscious effort to be almost hyper aware whenever my Owner asks anything of me. Whether or not She is polite or words her request as - a request - I've consciously just gotten up and done it without question, simply trusting. She asked me last night to write about how I feel about that.

It's interesting because two emotions are obvious right away when I just simply and quietly obey: pride in my service and surprise at how easy it is.

It's amazing how much easier things feel and how much smoother the machine of our family operates when I obey. And it feels good.

One of the things I need to continue to work on is trust. I trust my Owner more than I've trusted anyone I've ever known or met. And yet sometimes I still struggle. Most of the time when I've failed to shut up, listen, or obey - it can be traced back to a trust issue. And so that is at the root of my work.

Each time I simply do what I'm told - and experience something positive as a result, even if it's just a smile on my Owner's face or the feeling of having accomplished something, it reinforces the trust that obedience truly is what's best for both of us.... that the world isn't going to come to a screeching halt.

That's a really good thing for both of us.

Subspace, Gratitude, Vagaries, Personality, & Accuracy

From Syr:
"Can you experience sub space without physical pain?

I think that the term "sub space" is often used to describe the intense physical/emotional sensations brought on by intense BDSM play. Often this is brought on by endorphins, etc. The degree of this experience varies person to person and experience to experience. Though as I've noticed in recent discussions, it seems clear that it's sort of mystified to be something it isn't necessarily, or perhaps demystified into the ordinary.

For myself, my BDSM/kink is inherently psychological/emotional, much more so than physical. And so I find that when I think of subspace, it 'looks' like something else to me than how it's commonly perceived. And so I find myself using other terms to identify my feelings.

Usually, I use the term "little" or "little-space" which is to refer to that soft, floaty, submissive 'feeling', that is sort of like a little bit of goofy-happy mixed with romantic-adoration and absolute lovey-doveyness with my Owner. ;) And that feeling can be brought on a number of ways. It can most definitely be triggered by pain administered at the hands of my Owner - whether a good hard spanking, face-slapping, flogging, clothespins, etc. And, as we discovered not so long ago, also by gentle soft touches - done with a sense of ownership.

Little space is how I describe the feeling of floating in my submission, of surrendering.

There's another term I use for a harsher sensation - and that is "drop". Not drop as in the 'drop' that some submissives describe as a depression after playing (that never seems to happen to me - or not that I'm aware of). But drop as in - the way it feels to plummet quickly/suddenly or intensely into little-space. *purr* "Dropping" is something I associate with the harsher or heavier play. And even that can happen without pain. Often, all it takes is Syr grabbing me suddenly by the hair and growling in my ear.

In all cases that I personally associate with the 'concept' of subspace, I say most DEFINITELY, it can be reached without pain. Of course - pain IS a really neato way to get there. ;)

From Submissive Journal Prompts:

How do you find that gratitude changes your outlook? Does this affect your slavery at all?

I have read of submissives or slaves whose Dominants require that they post a daily gratitude or devotional with regards to their submission or slavery. I think that all around the world, sitting in gratitude is proven to make you feel better about yourself and/or your life, no matter what else is happening.

When I have taken the time to look on my submission or on all my Owner does with a sense of gratitude, I find that it softens me and brings me a sense of peace and contentedness.

“The most fortunate of persons is he who has the most means to satisfy his vagaries.” -Marquis de Sade

First, I had to look up "vagaries" in the dictionary.

(from Dictionary.com: 2. a whimsical, wild, or unusual idea, desire, or action)

Ok. And actually, I think not. I mean sure, if we had the means to satisfy some of our fantasies and desires, that would be an amazing experience. I mean I have visions of long days of bondage and mummification and heavy flogging scenes dancing through my mind. But really, if we had the means to do everything we wanted to do and try everything we wanted to try - all right now - then what is there to grow into, to aspire to? What use is fantasy if you know you can have any fantasy you want? I'd say it'd lose it's luster.

While sometimes I wish we had certain things (a weekend away, more privacy, soundproof bedroom walls, etc) so that we could let go of our inhibitions a little bit more often - I generally find that I am quite grateful for what we do have - and equally grateful for those things that we have to wait to have. Because those will be ever the sweeter for the anticipation.

What personality traits have you found to be the most useful to you in your service?

*blinks* useful personality traits? hahahahahaha

This is a bad night for that question. I've struggled with attitude this evening. ;)

But okay, in all honesty - I'd have to say my sense of self-awareness. Without that, I'd be toast. No - I'd be charcoal. No - I'd be ashes on the wind. Seriously. I have a lot of crap and baggage and just *stuff*. And while that stuff certainly presents a set of VERY unique challenges to my Owner, the saving grace is - that I'm aware of the stuff. I don't deny it or try to pretend it's not there. And therefore - I'm able to work on it, grow, learn, be malleable and be open to true growth and therefore enhance my submission and service.

How important is it to you that you accurately describe yourself or your dynamic? How do you feel about the following quote: “How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn’t make it a leg.” -Abraham Lincoln

It's very important to me that I portray myself and my relationship honestly. But accurately such as the quote?

If we were describing physical stats -sure - that's easy. We're a relationship of two females, one older than the other, legally married, both who work full time jobs outsidet he home. That's easy.

But the rest of it? Dominant/submissive, Owner/slave, all the ways I think our interactions are powerful and amazing? That's accurate - to us. But who is to say that someone else wouldn't look at our relationship and dynamic and think "Huh... looks like they're just saying it's five legs when it's really four legs and a tail". So is there any way to verify the accuracy of our dynamic? Not really. I mean dominance and submission is really quite subjective. I can look at someone who says they're in an M/s relationship and think - "sooo vanilla" and I can look at someone else who says they're in a vanilla/kink-free relationship and think - "omg, so D/s!" but the only people who can really define it is the people who are in it.

1950's Household

From my Owner:
Recently we discussed the idea of a 50's household. Do we have a degree of that in our home? To what extent has the functional day to day realities of our home helped or hindered that energy (if it really exists in our home at all)?

To a certain degree, I believe that a lot of that 1950's style stereotypical relationship dynamic defines a great deal of our less 'obvious' D/s. My Owner is also my spouse and in our family, in spite of who does or doesn't know about our more formal dynamic - it is definitely clear that She has a measure of authority and that I defer to Her.

When we first began sharing a home together, there was a measured period of time in which I couldn't work. I can't describe how much I truly loved that period of time. I got to truly be a stay at home wife and slave and it was marvelous. I adored having daily chores, writing assignments and responsibilities in keeping the house organized, neat, and being responsible for the errands and the shopping. I loved greeting my Owner at the door when She came home each evening and serving her dinner.

While I do work outside the home now, as does She, I still find myself really getting a special thrill out of planning a meal, cooking it and setting Her plate in front of Her, having given special care to plate it prettily.

I don't really think that our day to day realities help or hinder this energy in any significant way. In a perfect world, I'd be able to fully embrace the role by being a stay at home wife/slave while my Owner worked during the day. But that isn't our reality and so the energy is there regardless of whether we are both working or not.

Recently, I stumbled upon The Good Wife's Guide and while I suppose to many it's pretty offensive - to me it's actually quite stimulating!

Similarly, some time ago, a friend pointed me in the general direction of Taken In Hand. And for a quick summary of what that site is about, simply click here to read the 'in a nutshell' summary.

Now, mind you, there are a lot of things on that site I don't agree with, such as the gender binary, and the "marriage is between one man and one woman" because - um hello - I'm queer and my Owner is not a Man! ;)

But a lot of the energy and dynamics within it remind me of the stimulating side of a 1950's style relationship from the perspective of the Male is the Dominant/Authority and the woman is to be submissive/respectful/nurturing, etc and defer to her Husband.

The reality between Syr and I is that She has masculine energy and I - feminine. It is that very balance, that yin yang, that is so important to us in every way. It is that give and take, active and passive polarity that defines our marriage, our friendship, our D/s, and every other aspect of our relationship.

Oh.. and on a closing note - I just read Dr. Spencer's Spanking Plan (circa 1928) - and it made me almost instantly drenched (the only damper being the rule about no whipping or flogging.. puh-lease). Does this mean I am not gonna be accepted into the feminist club?

Oh darn.

Courtesy

Syr assigned me this topic from Submissive Journal Prompts:
Does your Owner stand on courtesy? Do they use please and thank you with requests from you? How does it make you feel? Do you not take it as an order if it has please after it?

My Owner most definitely stands on courtesy. She often says please and thank you, is often polite and almost always kind. I hadn't really spent a lot of time thinking about how Her courtesy makes me feel, or how it affects my submission, but upon reflection I think this plays into a lot of stereotype-based patterns of mine.

In my former experiences as a submissive, there were always really clearly defined 'times' when my submission was expected - and others when it wasn't. I blame that primarily on never having had an Owner as a primary or monogomous partner in the past. Because my kink relationships were always outside of my primary, more vanilla one, it kept things fairly compartmentalized.

I think the result was that I tended to associate my submission with certain circumstances/locations, etc and the rest of the time just go about day to day life. Now that I am in a more immersive 24/7 dynamic, living with and married to my Owner - I find that I still can have a tendency to compartmentalize. When my Owner is polite in asking me to do something or in expressing Herself, I can forget myself - and my place - and respond casually at or flippantly or even crankily (at worst).

Her courtesy sometimes translates as complacency and I forget my place and lose sight of the need to be respectful.

It isn't any fallacy of Hers that She is courteous - after all - She owns me - and shouldn't have to be aggressive just to get what She wants or needs from me. But it is certainly helpful for me to remember that even with a "please", it is still up to me to serve Her consistently.

Erotic Photography and Exhibitionism

"Explain more about your interest in erotic photography and exhibitionism"

I can thank Fetlife for this topic. Syr was reading my profile and making note of my fetish-list. LOL I hadn't really thought about that, though I suppose there are still things She doesn't know about me.

Erotic Photography

Besides simply looking at erotic photography, there is definitely a part of me that likes being a PART of erotic photography. Most of my favourite pictures of myself are at least a little bit naughty.

It makes sense, really. I really discovered self-confidence through my association with the kink community and lifestyle. It was at kink events where I first saw plus sized girls sexualized and eroticised. It was at kink events when I saw male subs worshipping at the feet of gorgeous plus-sized Dominas. It was at kink events where I felt wanted, desired, appreciated. It was at kink events when I first felt that my size was not a barrier to my ability to provoke arousal in others.

And so, it makes sense that I feel most attractive in erotic or sexually charged photographs. I've never really felt too shy about having naughty pictures of me taken. I've always trusted those I've allowed to take them, but for someone who can be so shy in public, you'd think I'd be darn near phobic of having nude or sexual photos taken of me. But I'm not.

At one time, I actually was being courted a little bit by a plus sized adult website - to be a model. That was a huge ego boost! I still remember reviewing the proof sheet of the photos that my then-Master had submitted to her. It made me feel very proud.

I'm a lot more private and practical about such things today. I don't want identifiable naughty photos of me floating around the web. I'm a lot more cautious. But I still like photos that portray me as a sexual, desirable, girl. And I love feeling like I am the object of someone's desire, enough so that they want pictures of me. Especially dirty pictures. ;)

Exhibitionism

I should really clarify this fetish. I am not at all comfortable being an exhibitionist of my own accord. I don't want to stand up on stage or be noticed because I've chosen to be noticed. I don't like being in the spotlight.

But...

'Forced Exhibitionism' is something else entirely. Within a D/s construct, being put on display at my Owner's will is something completely erotic and thrilling. It objectifies me in a way that is beyond stimulating. It makes me feel as if my Owner is proud of Her property, wants to show Her property off - almost like bragging rights.

When I was new to kink, I only wanted to play in private - i was so shy. But the first time a previous Owner put me up on a St. Andrew's Cross and beat me in public, my opinion changed. There was something so amazing about scening where everyone could see. I was shy and part of me wanted to hide, but another part of me recognized the opportunity to shine, to be a good mirror of my then-Owner's training, and to make Him proud. And so, in spite of my personal shy-ness and in spite of my personal self-consciousness, it gave me a new way to focus on my then-Owner.

While Syr and I do not get many opportunities to play publicly, the few times we have, I have felt that same rush of mixed emotions. Feeling self-conscious and unsure, even scared - and yet thrilled that Syr wanted me to be seen, wanted to put me up where others could see my obedience, and ultimately - was proud of me.

There is definitely, also, an exhibitionist element to wanting to show my submission to my Owner. I always adore an opportunity to kneel at Her feet in public, to wear Her collar and leash, and to truly revel in our dynamic in public. I think that since opportunities for that type of exhibitionism are few and far between - they seem even more intoxicating when they happen.

What don't I miss?

"Life circumstances managed to strip away many of the formalities and obvious routines and rituals of our dynamic. We've talked about what we both miss and want back. I want to know up to five things you don't miss."

What I don't miss?? There's nothing I don't miss, is there? I miss it all.

I miss being put on my fur before bed, on all fours with my forehead to the fur and arms stretched out in front of me (a la 'child's pose') with Her foot resting on the back of my head or neck. I miss the feeling of containment I would feel when my attitude would slip and She would 'adjust' it for me. I miss discipline and desire and the way the two mix in a juxtaposition of wanting so badly for the sensation of being held and safe in my boundaries and the way I would hate the actual sting of the paddle or the way my face would get hot and I would feel submissive shame for needing to be disciplined in the first place.

I really miss every last bit of it... don't I?

After thinking, somewhat carefully, about this - I did manage to come up with 5 though:

1. I don't miss the constant disruption from outside our bedroom window, whenever we would have the chance for quality private D/s time - that we were experiencing at our old home.
2. I don't miss the way I would get snippy so easy because of all the stress we were experiencing.
3. I don't miss the way my Owner would be cranky or stressed and therefore in the wrong kind of headspace to be comfortable exerting Her ownership of me.
4. I don't miss the way the stress we were dealing with would impact our ability to simply relax at home and enjoy each Other's company.
5. I don't miss the little ways we were getting on each other's nerves during the transition period.

*grins*

Okay, I know I cheated - a little... but the reality is, that when we are in the right frame of mind to explore our D/s fully together - there is nothing I truly dislike and would wish to go away forever.

There are certain punishments that Syr uses that I detest - and yet I am always grateful for Her attention and correction and the way Her punishments always teach me about myself or allow me to grow a little bit more.

There are certain especially stingy implements that give Syr great joy to use on me, and yet while I don't like the sensation they produce - physically - I am grateful for the feelings they evoke - emotionally.

So in all honesty, I miss it all. But I know that with the stresses of our old home behind us, we will be finding all of it again, or recreating new rituals, routines, rules, protocols, etc together. Either way, I am grateful for our new home, and for the fresh, clean, energy of renewal that came along with it.

Service

"What is service? What would be ideal?"

It looks like a simple assignment, doesn't it? Just 7 little words. But every time I thought about starting to write about it, I'd feel overwhelmed.

I've tried looking things up online, reading topics at Fetlife, and even google image searching - just for somewhere to start.

I once flew out of state to visit a Domme whom I respected a great deal. She ran a more formal D/s home. As a guest there, I was given an incredible opportunity to experience full time service-oriented submission. I was young, and while part of me thrilled at the possibility of pleasing someone whom I respected and longed to impress, I found it a lot more challenging than I thought it would be.

Much of my BDSM experience, at that time, was online or with less experienced Dominants who were more about the 'scene' than a full time service submissive. And so, experiencing what it was like to be so immersed in service was a bit of a rude awakening. It was the first 'vacation' I'd taken as an adult, alone, and I was spending it scrubbing and dusting and cleaning, and answering to an Alpha sub in the household.

I remember precisely the moment that I 'broke'. I had been told to focus on one room for the day. And I focused. I rubbed and dusted and washed every surface I could find with uncanny detail. I found the work itself meditative and pleasurable in the way that it allowed me to fully surrender to my feelings of submissiveness and with the goal of pleasing the Lady I was there to serve. The Alpha submissive in the household was working in other rooms. At the end of each day, we were to stop working at a specific time. And when that time came, I went to go take a shower to get ready for the evening. When I came out of the shower, I found the Alpha sub walking through the room I'd cleaned, literally wearing a white glove, inspecting my work.

I remember the way that felt, as the Lady whom I was there to serve sat on the couch, perusing a magazine. I remember feeling utterly panicked. I was terrified that I hadn't done well enough. And when I saw the Alpha approach a table that I suddenly realized I hadn't dusted at all - I knew I hadn't done well enough. I was almost instantly angry. Furious, even.

I fell apart then. I had a full blown tantrum of sorts. I felt like I was serving the Alpha and not the Lady. I felt like whatever I did, it wouldn't be good enough. I felt picked on. I felt resentful.

I think I lost my temper, perhaps got in a fight with the Alpha. It was a long time ago, and I don't remember all the details, but I am sure of one thing: I was wholly unprepared for the reality of service - and was still young and selfish and was just terribly disappointed that there was no glamorous reward at the end of a long hard day of work. I received attention, of a sort, and was treated with respect. But at that point in my life, all my BDSM included play. I was really a selfish brat, really. I was given free lodging, taken care of - thoroughly treated well. But I was so upset/triggered by the service aspect of my time there, that I am certain I ended up really disrespecting my Hostess and Her household.

One conversation I had with the Lady near the end of the week, and following my third emotional breakdown of sorts, was that maybe I wasn't cut out to be a slave, or even a submissive. She explained to me, that it was ok. That maybe I was more geared to being a 'bottom'. I remember how that stung, because that wasn't what my heart really yearned for. But I also didn't know how to reconcile my selfish and panicky reactions with wanting to be a full time submissive or slave. How could I be one without the desire to provide service?

Since then, I have grown up a great deal. Though one thing has remained constant - my insecurity about my ability to offer 'service'.

My experience with my first Master reinforced this. As His collared slave, I wanted so very much to please Him. I had a slave-sister (His wife), and I only saw Him on weekends as we lived an hour and a half away from each other. But whenever He would give me a domestic chore, I would get frustrated and resentful because His house was very dirty, way beyond unsanitary due to the way He and His wife did not do any (or very little) housekeeping throughout the week, nor did they care for their pets properly so the messes were overwhelming when I would show up. I was honest with Him and admitted that I could not do the domestic service aspect. He understood and agreed. Yet this certainly didn't give me an opportunity to explore 'service' in a positive way.

All of that may be water under the bridge. Or maybe it isn't. One thing has stuck with me throughout the years, and into every relationship though - a certain amount of fear of domestic service.

So when my Owner, whom I love, adore and want nothing more than to please - asked me what Service is... I found myself freezing up a little, unsure what to write.

Service is...

Service is anticipating my Owner's needs and desires and offering those things, selflessly.

Service is when asked to do a task, no matter how little or big, doing it with a pleasant demeanor and without delay.

Service is not becoming complacent during times when our interactions have to be primarily vanilla due to lack of privacy, and still finding ways to provide for the needs and desires of my Owner.


What is ideal?

Ideally, service would come easily to me or - if not - I would actively work on it.

Ideally, my Owner would deliberately give me tasks, perhaps even one I find mildly distasteful as a training exercise, to help me overcome fears and also to condition me to be pleasing for Her. My Owner would inspect, even if casually, the work that I do to ensure it meets Her expectations.

Ideally, my Owner would ask little things of me when we are in more vanilla settings - whether to get Her a cup of coffee or tea, or make Her a snack - and would correct or discipline me (later) for any inappropriate responses that I give in the moment. IE if She asked for a coffee and I stalled or avoided doing it or pouted or sulked, I'd receive a correction or punishment later.


In the past, Syr has given me small realistic daily chores. Making the bed each day, getting the coffee ready and on weekends, serving it to Her. I know that I do crave the ritual connection to my submission that I feel when I have ritual tasks to complete on a daily or weekly basis.

Homework for a little girl

Imagine: I have just commented on a negative behaviour.

you will spend the next ten minutes thinking about recent incidents between us.

you will then take as long as you need to think of 5 possible responses that are NOT:

• defensive
• explaining away the behaviour
• confrontational (reverse blaming)
• self-attacking
• apologetic in any non-productive way

I expect to see this completed with time to discuss before 9pm tonight.

This represents the first assignment that I have received from my Owner in a long time. So much has gotten in the way and this was one thing that really went on the back burner for a very long time.

As much as I got a thrill out of seeing the paper with the instructions on my pillow, I still wrinkled my nose and stuck out my lip in all of its pouty glory as soon as I read it. I couldn't help but sulk that my first assignment after so much time is one of those.

In all my petulance, when I went back to read it again, more thoroughly, I read the first line and got hung up - "Imagine I have just commented on a negative behaviour". I rejected that line. I said in my head "Well what if it was just YOU perceiving my behaviour as negative? What if I wasn't doing anything wrong and it was just YOU misperceiving me?"

I caught myself thinking that, and then on the heels of that thought came one simple idea slamming home. If my Owner thinks that something I am doing is negative behaviour, then it IS negative behaviour. After all, a good girl wants to please her Owner.

There was something travelling about the blogosphere lately that has really stuck with both me and Syr. I read it over at kaya's blog, and she had actually quoted it from kitten's blog and I now quote it here:

"Step One to pleasing your Master

SHUT UP.

Yes. Stop talking. Hush your mouth. Stop speaking. That

is the very first step in pleasing your Master.

Step Two.

LISTEN TO WHAT HE SAYS.

Listening is different from hearing. Listen to what he says. Get in there. Hear the words and retain them. Really listen. And if you want to say something while he’s talking? Refer back to STEP ONE.

Step Three

The Last and I think most important step in pleasing your Master is this simple phrase. This action should come directly after LISTENING.

DO WHAT HE SAID."

It's perfect in its simplicity, and it comes to my mind often when I catch myself being resistant, as it did this evening. And then I got over my shit - and did step three:

Thinking of being corrected on negative behaviour was easy.

Spending 10 minutes thiking about recent incidents between us was a little more difficult. After musing on the three simple steps, suddenly most of our recent 'incidents' made me feel a little ridiculous. If even half of those times I had even just done step 1, things would have gone much differently.

Surprisingly, thinking of five positive responses, was a LOT easier in this context than I thought it was going to be.

1. Say something like:"Thanks for telling me how that made You feel, I'll try to be more careful about my tone/how I express myself/my choice of words next time." Then stop talking and Listen.
   
2. Give the benefit of the doubt. Rather than assuming that my Owner is angry, assume FIRST that it was a simple correction and if I still feel like my Owner is angry - ask. Then stop talking and Listen.
   
3. I'm sorry, Syr/Daddy/my Owner. Then stop talking and Listen.
   
4. Remind myself that any correction is done to benefit me, my Owner, or for the greater good of our relationship, THEN acknowledge my Owner's correction calmly. Then stop talking and Listen.
   
5. Instead of a flat denial which devalues and undermines my Owner, be less literal and recognize that even if that wasn't what i "meant" or how I "intended" to come across, that if my behaviour was perceived by my Owner negatively, then there is something to be fixed. Respond with trust by acknowledging my Owner's perception, then stop talking and Listen.

Gee, did I learn anything? I can't really say it's something NEW, exactly. My biggest fallacy is talking too much. No, seriously. I talk, talk, talk. I fill the silence, especially uncomfortable, tense, disappointing, or angry silences - those are my specialty. And when disapproval of any kind enters the picture, the silence doesn't even have to last more than, oh, a millisecond and I am rushing to fill it.

Where is the trust in my Owner? I need to give in, relax, breathe and remember to trust, to breathe, and to listen... just listen.

"Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much" ~ Robert Greenleaf

"The best time to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must say something or bust." ~ Josh Billings

"The first duty of love is to listen" ~ Paul Tillich

Ahh... surrender.

Perhaps all that is ever needed is for the other areas of our life to fall into place in such a way that we have the freedom of energy to express ourselves to one another the way we wish we could all the time.

I don't know all the answers, or maybe even any of them, but one thing I do know is that when our home really is our sanctuary, it becomes my Owner's castle, and truly Her domain. We've had a lot of stress in the last year in our home, stress that had nothing to do with our family or ourselves but rather an outside stressful influence. That and Syr's job were both huge sources of stress. That stress bled its way into every area of our lives.

It is only now that the Universe has cleared away a lot of those outside stressors, that we are even realizing how very much it affected us, bled into every area of our life.

The biggest impact was the energy between us, that which is raw and real, not the muted energy that tends to float around us when we are just... getting by.

Well, the reconnect time we had planned, was almost more about hitting the 'reset' button, then necessarily reconnecting in all the ways we had planned. Since that week of blissful privacy, a lot of life changes have been set into motion that have found us rediscovering energy that was lurking in the corners of our world, the energy is now creeping more and more back into the light.

Since my last post, Syr has been opening me up all over again, peeling back - so slowly - the petals that had closed tightly around me. She has been my Daddy, holding me while I cried tears of stress and anxiety. She has been my Syr, growling in my ear and placing my forehead to the floor, hands tangled in my hair. She has been my Owner, pressing into me with brutal force, claiming me absolutely and demanding my tears of release.

The other night, She laid me out bare and open to Her. Thighs spread, my deepest secrets revealed for Her inspection. She refused to let me shy away from Her gaze, to close my thighs or cover myself. It was not the first time, but it was somehow different. This time, more intense, less.... forgiving of my shyness. Her expectation was clear. Each transgression resulted in sharp reminder-slaps to my inner thighs. And when my Owner decided to deliver a few sharp smacks my exposed, tenderest flesh, I felt myself shudder and yelp with the pain and utter delight of being claimed.

Something was different as she delivered each slap with full intent. It wasn't about the sensations I was experiencing in receiving them - as much as it was about the sensations She was experiencing in delivering them. It was as if, She was feeling ... validated in Her ownership, perhaps in a way She hadn't before, or perhaps more intensely than She had before.

And when She took me, driving into me with all Her raw power and possession, I felt Her keenly, all of Her. The energy flowed freely between us, unblocked by other things, other thoughts, other stresses. There was only us, as She blinded me to everything in the world but Her. She pressed all of Her into me, with driving relentlessness, demanding one thing -

My total and complete surrender.

And with an explosion of myself and a release of all that has been, and the faith in what is and the belief in what will be, I gave it to Her.

Reconnecting

It's hard to find a groove, sometimes, when day to day life just gets in the way. Syr and I had a series of circumstances that just really put us in, well, a bit of a dry spell I guess you could say.

Most of these circumstances were physical stuff. Not feeling well for one reason or another, busy life stresses preventing privacy, other things having to come first, etc.

But there are have been lessons learned along the way. It's been a long summer, and one lesson I have learned is to work on integrating my respect for Syr as my Owner into these more mundane life realities. To find peace in Her ownership when the world is swirling around us and private moments are hard to come by. I often flounder during those times, and my treatment of Her changes - as if I forget that Her ownership extends into all areas of my life.

It is during these mundane, busy-life times that I often find myself jealous of those who do not live with their Owner, or at least live alone with their Owner. The immersive quality of being able to fully embrace my little girl self without worrying about how it might affect the others around me...

Although, I must say that Syr's discovery of another side of Herself during this time was a lovely addition to our dynamic. Syr found Herself fully embracing the Daddy side much more. While the Daddy/little girl energy was always there, feeling Her full embrace of it was a lovely treat. And I will say that we really enjoyed thriving within that dynamic during our other down-time as it seemed to work naturally.

This week, we have our first opportunity for alone time in a long-time and both of us are looking forward to reconnecting with each other, and re solidifying some things.

Okay, to put it bluntly, I need a really good beating!!! Seriously.

But meanwhile, even just the anticipation of this upcoming alone time has us both feeling a little... on edge... in that absolutely delicious way.

Hard stuff

All of this is just stream of consciousness stuff, just the thoughts/emotions put to paper (er screen) as they bubble to the surface. It’s long, it’s babbly, and it won't always make sense to anyone else:

Today, I was asked to do something really simple. It was the sort of simple thing that is relatively easy to do. It’s the sort of thing that is really important to me to be able to do. But today, when asked, I couldn’t do it. It was a circumstantial thing, and was no fault of my own.

I had to say I couldn’t do it, and I felt really bad, like a disappointment. I felt, emotionally, as if I should surpass all circumstances to be able to do this when asked. I felt like maybe I was wrong for not just doing it anyway.

Common sense says that not doing it was completely reasonable given the circumstances. She had asked me to address Her properly (call Her Syr), but I was at work, the office was very quiet, and I sit at the front desk so there was a huge lack of privacy.

My personal programming and emotions, however, felt I was being selfish and letting my personal issues get in the way of doing what I was asked to do.

And so, I felt bad. I felt like a disappointment, and I felt like I had done something wrong. I suppose I shouldn’t have been so bothered by it. There are a lot of things that bother me that I don’t think *should* bother me.

I reached out to Syr then. I sent Her a text message letting Her know that I had almost cried telling Her I couldn’t do it, and that I was quite upset.

She didn’t reply right away, so I texted again. “Syr??”

A few moments later, I had a voicemail and all it said was “I got your messages at the same time which is why I didn’t reply to the first one.”

Huh!?

Now I was confused AND upset. I had told Syr I was upset, why wasn’t She reassuring me, or saying something… anything.. to let me know it was okay. I wasn’t sure if She just wasn’t understanding or what. I tried again to reach out and let Her know I wasn’t doing so hot… and this time She texted “I know.”

That’s it… just “I know.”

This went on for a few messages back and forth but still only got one-word replies. She was on Her way to come to my office, to pick up the key as She had left work early. She asked if I could take an early lunch. I didn’t know.

Suddenly I was hyper aware. I felt exposed, vulnerable. I was upset and trying not to cry. I sit at the front desk – everyone can see me. Suddenly I was sure people were staring. It was 11:30. I usually take my lunch at 1pm. From 12 to 1pm, I usually cover the phones as everyone else takes their lunch then. I was suddenly anxious about even asking a co-worker to cover for me. I was still waiting on a different co-worker to get back to me with some answers I was waiting on and I was acutely aware of having to either push him to come up to my desk like now (he’d already kept me waiting all morning) OR having to walk out on him.

Syr showed up and my anxiety was through the roof. I didn’t know what to do. I could barely speak; I knew I was going to start crying any moment.

Finally I managed to ask someone to cover for me… but I felt bad about that too.

Syr said “it’s okay if you can’t”, but I was so freaked out, so upset.. how could I not take a break, talk to Her.. something.? It’s like She was totally oblivious to how anxious and upset I was, how hard it was for me to function at all right then.

I took my break… and quickly learned that Syr was doing this – on purpose.

*soft sigh*

She wants me to think about my reaction… and that’s mostly what She said while She was here: “I want you to think about it.”

She said a lot of other stuff too, but I just kept reacting. I feel like I’m still reacting. I was angry, then sad, then angry, then feeling lost, then angry, then resentful, then hurt, then angry…

I feel ridiculous because all I keep thinking is “tell me what You want me to think about, damnit!” and “why IS it so hard to just reassure me? Just tell me it’s ok!”

But She doesn’t want to give me the answer; She wants me to find it on my own. Great. I know this is Her job, to push me, to help me grow, to be healthier and stronger…

And at times like this, I just hate it. Sometimes, I don’t WANT to be stronger or healthier. Sometimes I just want to be anxious and have Her swoop in and make it all better. I feel so young right now – so young and helpless.

I know it’s not good for either of us if I have to have Her hold my hand anytime I get upset. She supports me but it’s not healthy for her to enable or coddle me into dependence.

And I think that’s why this all feels so foreign. I was raised to be as dependent as humanly possible. I was taught that my value was in being dependent, and allowing myself to be controlled. I was also taught NEVER to say no… to anything. I was raised to be a doormat. It’s HARD for me to feel okay about saying “I can’t.” And that’s what started this whole thing in the first place.

I am a much stronger woman than I used to be and usually my surrender and submission comes from that place of strength. But then something so simple and small undoes me. I feel resentment for the lesson. Syr wants me to have tools… I want to stomp my feet and yell “I don’t want tools! I want YOU!”

And now I guess I understand what She meant when She said She doesn’t want to feel obligated to pull me out of these emotional spirals. When She first said that I was like “But that’s Your JOB!” You should have seen the eyebrow arch on that one. *sigh*

And I was so MAD. I wanted this to be HER mess-up, not mine! If She would only understand that if She would just let me know it’s okay, I’d stop panicking, and since normally She would say “it’s ok”, and therefore I wouldn’t panic, can’t She see that the answer to this is simple?

In other words, “Syr, if you would just suck it up and hold my hand and make it all better for me all the time so that I never have to do it myself, everything would be just fine!! Now go ahead and top me, ok?”

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

But really, I don’t top from the bottom. *facepalm*

And as sure as She likely predicted, now that I’m doing what She asked me to do and… “thinking about it”, I get it. I need to learn the tools to deal with these triggers without letting them upset me to the point of such a vicious emotional spiral. I couldn’t do something I was asked to do. So what? Don’t I trust Syr to understand circumstantial vanilla-world reasoning why I couldn’t? Don’t I trust Her to know that if I could have done what was asked, I would have? Do I really think She would be really and truly disappointed in me? Why WAS I so upset at having to say, “I can’t”?

I recognize that some part of me is convinced that if I don’t somehow DO the right things, that people will abandon me, will leave me.. will realize I’m not worthy.

I hate that thinking about things like this make me feel so broken and damaged. I hate that. I know that later I will feel better and I will know that I’m not as screwed up as I feel, but sometimes – I just marvel that I’m even able to function in day to day society. I sometimes wonder at how Syr doesn’t just throw up Her hands. I feel like I’m just so much damned WORK.

Damned if that isn’t some good psych couch 101 talk right there, eh?

It comes down to the concept of an innate sense of self-worth. I don’t have that, automatically. I have to work at it. I have to work to remind myself of it. Some people, healthy people, they know they’re worthy of affection, of love, of… Ownership ;) I’m not one of them, not without consciously working at it. I am constantly out to “prove” that I’m worth loving, or worth owning. I measure my value by my actions, by the things I do for others, so when I can’t do something – I feel as if I am putting my personal value on the line. “If I don’t do this, they won’t love me anymore”. It’s not that I think that, consciously, but it is what the underlying emotion sort of feels like.

Thanks to more than one family member for instilling THAT in me. I was never good enough for them and they made sure I knew it, and that I was always striving to “improve” so I could win their appreciation, respect, love, etc.

As is true for most lessons in submission, this boils down to trust.

If Syr asks me to do something, and I tell Her that I can’t, I have to trust Her that if it’s not okay, She’ll let me know. Why am I not acting on the assumption that it IS ok? Why did I need Her to reassure me and let me know it was okay? Why did I get so upset in the first place?

I have to trust that it’s not the end of the world even if I DO disappoint Syr (or anyone) a little. What’s the big deal? Sometimes Syr does something that isn’t exactly what I would have wanted. Do I stop loving Her? Stop wanting Her? No. So why would I think it would be such a huge ordeal if I disappoint Her a little now and then?

Maybe this is all I needed, just to think it through. Maybe next time, I will trust easier, and be less likely to spiral. I think what scares me is that now that I’ve acknowledged it, it will happen anyway. Once I realize these things I just want them fixed NOW. I’m not so patient, you know?

Time will tell. Meanwhile, I feel a little better – a little more like I understand why Syr decided to teach me this lesson.

I still hurt a bit. I still want to cry – a lot. But at least I’m not so damned worked up and confused and angry and hurt. And I know now where a lot of my reaction came from, and so I’m taking ownership of that.

I know I’m loved. I know I’m owned. And I trust my Owner, my love, my Syr.

A hard but wonderful day with Syr

As the subject line indicates, my day with Syr, today was both hard - and wonderful.

Since our relationship began both long-distance and online with many of our life circumstances being so different, our dynamic has been a constant evolution over the past two years. When I married Syr, and moved in, and became a part of an already established family, much changed.

Having a strong heavy-handed D/s relationship online, on the phone, long-distance is easier in some ways and harder in others. But consistency and lots of quality (private) D/s time was definitely much easier! Syr lived three thousand miles away and in a timezone that was three hours ahead of me. And so, by the time we began chatting in the evening, She had much privacy on her end of things as all but Her were fast asleep... and I had privacy on my end... and our activities involved much typing or talking quietly (at least on Her end).

When we began living together every day, we realized how much easier having that kind of privacy is when your D/s activities can be conducted so easily in private - and long distance! So much had to be adjusted.

I give us full credit for maintaining such a powerful D/s, Owner/slave connection in spite of life's challenges. I have been in relationships that failed to leap similar hurdles and I am already quite pleased and in awe of the creative ways we have kept that fire going.

But, because of the adjustments of living together, sharing our lives together and sharing the responsibilities and chores of maintaining a household together, our D/s is constantly shifting, changing, switching course, etc.

As mentioned in my previous post, the movie "Secretary" yielded some marvelous discussions and ultimately a much needed punishment for me.

Syr awakened me this morning in the most beautiful way. She opened the window above the bed, reached out and plucked a pink cherry blossom that was nearly touching the window, and ran it along my cheek.

I always marvel at Her ability for such tenderness and such spontaneous romance, and feel like the luckiest girl and slave around for having such a thoughtful and loving partner and Syr.

*blush* In any case...

My morning started out, interesting. We'd planned a trip to a lovely garden about 90 minutes outside of town. We were preparing to leave when I thoughtlessly and accidentally broke the very rule that I had broken the day before that led to my punishment. I was chewing on my nail.

This is a longstanding bad habit that Syr HATES and She has made her opinion on the matter quite clear.

Last night when She gave me... so many hard stinging strokes with the crop, She reminded me that I am not to chew or pick at my nails (or my lip), that it is NOT allowed. I knew by the look on Her face when She caught me this morning, that She was certainly not going to let it slide.

It's such a mindless habit, and I was trembling a little as we headed downstairs to the underground garage where the car was parked.

The garage was empty and Syr ordered me around to the side of the car. She took down my pants right there, pulling them and my panties down over my hips and exposing my bottom. She gave me several sharp, stinging slaps to my bottom.

I must have looked just like Lee from the movie, then, so shocked. She'd never disciplined me in a public place before. Yes it was empty, there, and She was keeping a close eye out, but my Goddess, I never expected that.

Sitting in the car with my warmed bottom, knowing I'd been disciplined like that, made me feel very little and owned. I knew it was going to be an interesting day.

On the way there, Syr established some rules for me. I am to finish my journal entry (handwritten journal) before I am allowed to play (computer, tv, etc) each evening. I am to ask permission before eating chocolate, candy, or other sweets. I am not to pick/chew.

We arrived at the gardens with around 2 hours until they were to close for the day. Syr gave me the camera and let me take whatever photos I wished and also pointed out shots that She wanted. She was walking with Her cane, today, and so it was a service to Her that I be the primary photographer (and I love taking photos of flowers and nature close-up and She knows it).

The walk was absolutely beautiful and the gardens weren't very busy, probably as it was later in the day and close to closing time.

And then, at one point in the path, Syr stopped and faced me.

"Kneel, little slave."

I looked at Her, speechless. People could be coming up the path any moment. "Now??" I asked (yes oh so very slave-like of me).

She stuck one foot out in front of Her slightly and said "if anyone comes, you can look like you're helping me tie my shoe. Kneel."

I shakily dropped one knee to the ground.

"Both knees, slave."

I put the second knee down, and now, kneeling properly, I looked up at Her.

"Put Your forehead to my shoe."

I whimpered very softly, and placed my forehead down.

"Good girl, stand up."

She held me a moment and kissed my temple, praising me for my obedience. I can't tell you all how little and owned I felt then, how loved and how submissive and how ... melty.

She made an afternoon of these shows of Her ownership of me after that.

She stopped me at a small fence overlooking part of the gardens and not even whispering, began counting me down.

People moved up the path that was only 10 feet or so behind us, and while She counted more softly, She didn't stop.

After she said "one." She whispered "Cum, slave" in my ear and I did, trembling softly and leaning into Her. After a quick glance to make sure no one was near a moment later, She ordered me again, this time much more forcefully and once again, I did.

I had to sit down after that and we had our snack together. The small chocolate and peanut butter treat that I was allowed helped ground me some, but I was still somewhat distracted and floaty. In my zoney headspace, I absentmindedly lifted my thumbnail to my teeth for the briefest of moments.

That was all it took though, and I looked at Syr in alarm, sure She was going to find a way to take down my pants right there in the gardens!

She knew what I feared, and so She gave me one option: "There is no one on the path near us right now so you have a very small window of opportunity to kneel at my feet and apologize properly."

In a flash I fell to my knees at Her feet in front of the wooden park bench where we had been sitting together moments before. I placed my forehead on the top of Her shoe and spoke, "I'm sorry, Syr" and stayed in that position for - what felt like eternity but was probably only the briefest of moments - before She told me I could get up again.

I think that I must have floated half-dazed through the beauty of the gardens. Moments like these ones blending with the simple appreciation of tulips and rhododendrons.

At another point, She stopped and had me kneel once again and put my forehead on Her shoe. This time I was to say "You are my Owner, Syr."

She counted me down at least once more, and had me kneel for a final time when we were in a small asian part of the gardens.

We left the gardens and started the long drive home, stopping at several destinations to check out some beautiful piece of our region. At a lake we stopped at, thankfully the other people there had just departed, Syr took my pants down and spanked me again, another discipline for chewing my nail.

And, I had to learn a lesson in remembering She is in charge when I tried to micromanage her navigating to get us home.

I feel very owned, very safe, and very loved today.

Now, if I could just continue to improve on that nail-biting habit and avoid future punishments, things would be just GRAND!

Secretary

Syr and I watched Secretary together last night. It was my second time seeing the movie, and Syr's first. Afterwards, Syr advised me that I was to write about my experience of watching the movie.

Interestingly, my first viewing didn't yield nearly so powerful response as I experienced, this time, and I've been thinking about why that is.

I've been in M/s and D/s relationships before. Yet, Syr pointed out one very important fact: My prior D/s relationships - even the M/s one, were not about romantic love. It was more disconnected than that. Yes, I loved my former Master, yet it was not what I would call romantic love. He knew some things about me - but He never knew all of me... and we were never intimately connected in what I would call a truly romantic way.

Syr and my D/s involves an intense connection between us, one that has a foundation in friendship, mutual respect, as well as romantic love. And while I have had somewhat successful polyamorous relationships in the past, and have surely witnessed very in-depth, happy, healthy, and fulfilling polyamorous relationships in others - I find that, for me, there is a depth that monogomy goes that polyamoury can not. There is something about being truly owned, and knowing that only the two of us share such a connection, that allows it to run deeper, harder, more intense for me.

I should warn you all - my candid discussion of the movie will likely be filled with spoilers, so if you haven't watched it yet and don't want it spoiled, here's your warning!

In any case, I feel like I reacted to each and every scene in the movie in a powerful way. The introductory scene shows the female main character, Lee, walking gracefully through Edward Grey's office with a spreader bar across her shoulders, wrists cuffed into it as she performs several morning tasks including stapling a set of papers with her chin (that had been carefully arranged just so she should do so, collecting a document with her mouth and getting Mr. Grey's coffee with her other hand (pictured above). She walks with a confident, sexual, feminine stride down the long hallway to his office, and shuts the door with her high heeled foot after she enters.

It's provocative and elicits simple graceful service in ritual - the kind of service that screams sensuality and posession and the way she obviously thrives in it.

The movie regresses to show us where Lee was six months earlier, and it's here that I was surprised at how much of the movie I simply didn't remember.

Lee was raised in a dysfunctional household with an alcoholic father and an overprotective, overbearing mother. Her appearance screamed naive and lost and seeking direction and guidance. She wore drab colours, seemed shy and scared - and doe-eyed. Bingo! She's ME!

The movie begins showing her release from an inpatient psychiatric program and it's quickly revealed why - she's a self-abuser. I've self-abused, and my ex was a chronic self-abuser (cutting and friction burns primarily). But I must have completely blocked out that part of the movie. I was lucky in that I mostly 'experimented' with self-abuse when i was younger but only a handful of times and I never became emotionally/psychologically addicted to the behaviour. But my struggles with my ex and other close family members in this regard lent me to having a deep understanding of the types of mindsets that lead to that sort of behaviour and the types of therapy it provides the person doing it.

I found it interesting how, this time watching the movie, I seemed to identify with the main character more, and feel where she was in her journey, and remember what it was like for me at that stage - where I felt lost and confused and unsure of everything but also longing to FEEL, and to experience something real that was outside myself.

Lee is desperate for identity, for herself, and she takes a typing class and eventually decides to apply for a Secretary job.

Enter the office of Edward Grey.

Her employment with Mr. Grey starts out odd, but interesting. He's particular, something she learns right off. But interestingly - she is desperate to please him, even from the beginning. He picks up on this, and seemingly tests her in small ways.

The first time Mr. Grey exerts any blatant control over Lee, it is to tell her that she is never to harm herself again. Her reaction to this was incredibly interesting. She looked at him, and seemed surprised, but also - grateful. And she agreed, and it was obvious that she meant it. She also saw something in him - something that she respected, and having someone address the issue directly with her, and so clearly give her an answer to it: "You will stop. Period" (not a movie quote but the general idea) seemed to free her.

He becomes more and more particular, until finally he pulls out his red pen and begins proofreading her letters - and harshly admonishing her typing errors. She seems to thrive on this and the power dynamic between them seems to grow.

She blossoms under his control and is open to every experience, embracing it. Each bit of control he exerts over her, seems to only open her up even more. The first time that he spanks her, she has a strong reaction similar to how I recall reacting to my first spanking - although mine I negotiated ahead of time so the surprise element wasn't there. She was shocked, maybe even horrified, but surrendered to the experience and ultimately realizing that it was something she needed, and wanted. Under Mr. Grey's control, she becomes STRONGER, more confident, more self-aware, more self-posessed, more interested in sex and pleasure and more aware of herself as a desireable and worthwhile person.

At one point, she calls him as the table is being set for dinner in her family home and reports to him what is being served. He listens to her and then tells her what she is to eat: Creamed potatoes with lots of butter, four peas, and all the ice cream she wants.

Later that night, she masturbates over this bit of exerted control... and damned if I didn't know exactly how she felt!

I feel like Lee goes through so many of the same things many submissives go through. First being surprised, and pleasantly amazed at how stimulating this control and punishment is - to craving more and more of it... to resorting to bratting/pushing/etc to try to get it... to surrendering (and maybe occasionally bratting).

At one point, she does something really bratty - deliberately, because she is missing the dominant attention of Mr. Grey - who backed off due to his own issues (I think shame, concern he was crossing the line, etc). When he called her into his office to deal with the matter she was excited, even whispering "Finally!" before she went to him. She eagerly bends over his desk with her hands palm down waiting for her anticipated spanking. But Mr. Grey doesn't spank her, doesn't give her what SHE wanted. He has her lift her skirt, and lower her pantyhose and panties. He pleasures himself and cums on her, instead, sending her back out to do her job.

This scene really struck me, because it was an interesting scene. She did get some of what she needed (containment, a reminder that he was in control - not her). But she didn't get what she thought she wanted (a spanking, positive dominant attention). However, she left content and happy that she had been reigned in (or seemingly so, particularly since she masturbated in the bathroom after finding the wet spot on the back of her blosue and replaying the moments shared with him).

Near the end of the movie, when she declares her love for him, and proves it by following one simple command (to sit at his desk, feet on the floor and hands, palm down on the desk until his return) for three days, unfailingly, it is clear that there is more than simple S/M play on the line here. Rather a connection developed between them - one of respect and love and also Dominance and submission.

At one point in the movie, Lee expresses how the attentions of Mr. Grey make her feel simultaneously free and as if she is being 'held by him'. I find this particular quote quite stimulating and damned if I can find the exact quote online... grr. If I do, I shall post it in this entry later.

In any case - the emotion of that statement hits home. Surrending control to Syr, submitting and being owned by Her make me feel simultaneously stronger and more confident and also safe, held and... contained.

Following the movie, Syr put me to kneel on my fur next to the bed and She and I talked quite candidly. She was stirred by the movie, or more accurately, my reactions to it and many discussion points came up.

A few things that I would say were highlights (if you can call them that... *wry smile*) was the discussion of consistent discipline or punishment. No matter how unpleasant discipline/punishment can be, it's something I need to feel secure and contained in my submission. I admitted to Syr that if I had to give up almost all of our kink, one thing I would hold on to, would be punishment or discipline, because it is that - that provides me a boundary or a safe space to be and live and submit. The rest, can ebb and flow to some degree, but if one thing is maintained and consistent - it is that, that I need.

It is also the one thing that Syr admits to having struggled with. When you are a parent or even a pet-owner (of the four legged variety), you learn that if you are going to punish bad behaviour, it needs to happen right away - not next week - or the lesson is lost. And so, with our lack of privacy, Syr often feels that if She can't punish or discipline me right away (lack of privacy), that She can't or shouldn't later. We talked about this a lot, and I did admit that I read the blogs of other submissives, especially those who don't live with their Owner(s) or Top(s), who are punished at the convenience of their Owner. Some Dominants keep a log of transgressions and dole out punishments when the timing is appropriate to do so. Some keep it in their head. Some give out punishments or disciplines or physical 'reminders' when the submissive seems to 'need' it. There is a lot of room for finding what works, and so we talked about that for quite some time.

Syr also talked about finding ways to give me small tasks or exert Her control in smaller ways on a more ongoing basis. Finding the balance and realizing that there are ways to connect to each other in D/s ways that aren't blatant or sexual is a learning and growing process.

Both of us seemed engaged and candid and it was productive and felt really wonderful.

Shortly after our conversation, Syr disciplined me for transgressions throughout the day. I suppose I had it in my head that any firm new disciplinary actions would you know.. start tomorrow. But She is my Owner, and while I didn't like it much, I am grateful that She chose not to let the days misbehaviour slide and that She did take action.

The stingy cropping that my bottom received drove me to tears and curling up in Her arms afterward I felt safe and loved and contained, in spite of the physical discomfort. I slept soundly until morning.

Oh the naughtiness!

I was home, alone, today.

I haven't been home alone in a very long time - or at least not when I was not too ill to enjoy it properly.

But today, after a morning dentist appointment, I had the whole place to myself. I texted Syr to ask for permission to play. I was told that I could, as long as I finished my chores and gave Her a full report.

I indulged in absolute debauchery, and as is usually the case when I'm in one of THOSE moods, my pain threshold was VERY high. I got pretty ambitious. I managed to use every single clothespin we had in the clothespin goodie bag, and the nipple clamps, a nice smooth cock for that 'full' sensation, a purple g-spot vibe, and an egg vibe.

I think the most exciting part was clothespinning up my nether-regions. That was hot!

Yes, Yes, YES SYR!

Last night, I was in a ... mood.

I'm not normally very assertive when it comes to sex. I tend to be more cute and coy about my attempts to seduce my Syr.

But not last night.

Last night I was aggressive, kissing and nibbling and whimpering against Her neck, whispering, "Please, Syr"

I laid out the towel on the bed, and pulled Her cock out of the drawer, leaving it on the bed to wait for Her. It was easy to see that She was amused and intrigued by my boldness.

I pulled my clothes off quickly, melting, naked into Her embrace and it was breathless moments later when She left me alone in the room so that She could wrap up a few things outside of the bedroom.

When She got back, I surprised Her again by waiting for Her, naked and kneeling on my fur, Her crop between my teeth.

Her grin when She saw me like that. Absolutely priceless and SO worth being brave, just so I could see it!

Although, Syr found a better way to reward me for my bravery. She grabbed me by the hair, kissed me soundly, and threw me over the bed, and beat me in deliciously quiet and stingy ways with the crop. (As an interesting sidenote, I've never been a huge fan of sting-pain, but this was positively delightful.)

Syr left me bent over the bed this way, my feet on the floor, my knees just barely supported against the wood frame and drove into me, to the hilt, in one stroke, pressing Her palm into my lower back, holding me down and growling, "Cum, Slave." in my ear and I did, right away, in that perfect moment of being filled so completely.

After that first orgasm, Syr drove me absolutely wild, and claimed me in such an intensely raw, passionate way, always with Her hand pressing against my back or pulling back on my shoulders or my hair. I love how that feels, Her hand pressing down on me like that - such a possessive action and I felt truly claimed.

That position was incredible. Being taken that way, from behind, is probably one of my favourites from a D/s perspective. Syr taking me that way makes me feel so owned, but Her cock of choice is so large that the usual doggy-style doesn't usually work, physically... and She rarely opts for the smaller cock. *grins* But bent over the bed, was perfect... all the intense physical drive of a 'from behind' encounter without the pain we encountered in other 'from behind' positions. And with the bed supporting the upper half of my body, I was in no danger of falling.

Syr took me with such abandon, it was clear that She was thoroughly enjoying the position and the access to my body that it gave Her. It felt like She took me this way for hours... making me wait, pushing me to my absolute limits, and then pushing me just a little bit father, driving me into utter and complete oblivion.

And it was... sublime.

Thank You, my Owner.

The Peace of Surrender

There is so much peace in Surrender.

I was talking to someone the other day, online, whom I am just starting to get to know. And in the talking, was describing an experience I had with Syr not that long ago, where She danced with me. I realized in the dancing, as She led me, that it can be hard to let go and follow.

Maybe for some, it is easy. But I didn't find it easy. I did note that it was easier with Her than it had ever been with anyone else I had danced with. She's certainly a strong lead.

One thing I realized is that the impulse to 'help' when dancing and not just simply to let go and follow the lead, is the same impulse that makes it difficult to truly trust and surrender.

When Syr does something that I don't expect or don't feel prepared for in an S/M sense, it's hard to relax into it, to trust. In a vanilla context, it's really the same thing. When Syr says "I'm angry, but it's okay, I just need to cool off.", that's something I need to trust. If Syr tells me to do something, and I don't fully understand Her reasoning for it, I need to trust, because She never asks me to do something for no reason whatsoever. There is always a reason and why do I struggle with simply letting go, giving in, and trusting? But I do.

At any rate, this conversation with my new friend, was yielding all sorts of fun little lightbulb moments and ideas about trust, letting go, and surrender. And in the process, I had this interesting thought about what it would be like to do a trust test, for Syr to blindfold me and lead me around somewhere, like the woods. I chatted with Syr about it. I was utterly entranced by the idea, if nothing else, to see if it would be easy or hard for me, to see where I really was at development-wise with my trust with Syr, and my ability to let go and really follow.

Saturday, Syr took me out for the day and we did some random exploring. Along the way, we found a beautiful little park that was quite out of the way. It wasn't necessarily an appropriate time to use something so bold as a blindfold given our surroundings, but Syr in Her spontaneity simply ordered me to close my eyes.

Duh. ;) I guess that WOULD be easier, wouldn't it? It also should have been harder. But I was amazed that I didn't try to peek even once.

She led me by the hand for a little while and I tried to focus and breathe and relax into simply holding Her hand gently, and trusting - knowing She would lead me. She had me open my eyes again just a few moments later and I was breathless for a few moments from the experience.

Later on that afternoon, we ended up in a different park, and it had a ledge with a concrete border that was elevated. Once again, Syr had me close my eyes and led me up onto the ledge, and walked me right along it for a while. The connection between us was electric. I knew that I was safe and I didn't even squeeze Her hand tightly, simply took things slowly and let Her lead me.

Then, She had an idea. She took me to an area of the park near a wall - and once again ordered me to close my eyes. This time, She wasn't touching me. She stood, a fair bit away, and reminded me to trust Her. And then She started giving me commands.

"Turn to the left"

"Step forward three paces"

"Turn to the right"

"Step forward two paces"

At one point, She had me continue to turn clockwise by turning to the right again, and again, and again. She moved around me, not staying in the same place so that I didn't know which direction I was facing or where I was headed at any time. She had me walk backward and varied the length of my strides.

Finally, I sensed... something... and my eyes flew open. I hadn't intended it, but I was a couple of steps away from a wall. I don't know why my eyes opened, but it was interesting. Syr was going to have me take a couple small steps and then put my hands out. But either way the experience was intense.

I sunk into this really amazing space listening to Her voice while She commanded my movements. And Her voice took on this quality that I can't really describe. It was a powerful, confident tone. It was... sure. And I found it easier than I thought I would to follow each command She gave me.

Afterwards, I was so little, and felt so loved and peaceful. It was definitely an experience that I will never forget.

500 Lines and 1000 Words

Friday, after I wrote my post about my bad behaviour, I had an evening event to attend, and Syr had the evening to read it and think about it.

By the time I got home that evening, She had decided what She wanted to do. She assigned me 500 lines, numbered and handwritten of this sentence: "It's ok to get angry." I was to think about that sentence while I wrote the lines. She explained Her reasoning for the choice of line for me to write.

I finished the first 325 lines Friday night and the remainder I finished this morning, as it had been a busy weekend for us both.

After I handed Her the stack of finished lines, including made-up lines for about 30 where I had written "It's ok to be angry" instead of "It's ok to get angry", She told me that I was to wrote 1000+ words about that sentence, what it meant.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

When Syr first told me that I was to write "It's ok to get angry", 500 times, I was surprised. It seemed an odd choice of sentence. I mean, I suppose if I was to write lines, I would have expected "I shall not slam doors" or "It's not okay to act out when I am angry" or... something. But the last thing I expected was, what initially felt like, a repeated line about how it's OK to get angry. I did remember my personal committment to trust whatever it was that Syr decided to do (or not do) about my actions during our fight the other day, and that put me in a receptive space to really hear what She was saying to me about why that sentence was so important.

Syr has observed that I tend to act out and spiral, and situations escalate between us, whenever I get angry. In Her observation, She expressed, it seems as thought I get freaked out by even BEING angry. I freak out if I get angry. I freak out if Syr gets angry. What She wanted me to work on, to think about, and to focus on during my punishment, was that feeling anger, experiencing anger - is normal, and ok. It doesn't have to be something scary, and it's not wrong for any person to be angry. It is each person's responsibility how they respond to that anger - but She seemed to pick up on something inside of me that just doesn't really believe it's okay for anyone to be angry.

At first I really balked. I was almost frustrated, because at the time all I could think of was "obviously I am okay with getting angry, given that I slammed a door!". But as I wrote each line again and again on the paper, and thought about it, I realized that Syr was onto something.

I thought of times I'd been angry as a child, or as a teenager in the home I grew up in. I realized that anytime I was angry, something bad always happened. I was shamed, punished, or lied to. I was never “allowed” to express anger. My role was to follow the rules and not make waves. My role was to be the “good girl” and in the house I grew up in, that meant not bucking authority – ever.

I thought of the times with previous romantic partners that I had been angry and of the fallout that I’d experienced. One ex would self-injure when she was upset. This was very traumatic. If I expressed anger, I could be starting a chain of events that could literally end in someone I love bleeding, or in one instance – overdosing on extra strength Tylenol and having to take her to the Emergency Room. One ex was so sensitive that any act of anger on my part would leave him acting as if I had just kicked him – a sensation that made me feel as if he was afraid of me – which really screwed with my head. I didn’t want to feel abusive, and so I just never expressed my anger, and stuffed it all down.

And then I thought of my history with people getting angry with me, and that was even more of an eye opener. In my family of origin, if someone were angry – it was a dramatic and often traumatic experience filled with lots of shouting and drama and even frightening things. If someone were angry with me, it always meant something big was happening, and I had to act quick, fix it somehow, stop it. My job was damage control, always. But usually in being “damage control”, my own emotions had to take a back burner. And I rarely found a healthy way to express my own emotion, my own anger.

So I made some connections between all of this and what Syr had me writing: “It’s ok to get angry”.

It’s okay for me to get angry? Really? Why was that so hard to wrap my brain around? Of course it’s okay. But I have all these blocks and so when I start to get angry, I get panicked, and I spiral and things escalate inside of me until I’m like a pressure cooker, ready to blow and I need to physically DO something. I suppose that’s partly why I end up yelling, or throwing something or feeling so bottled up that I’m ready to explode.

It’s okay for Syr to get angry? Really? Why is THAT so hard to wrap my brain around? Of course it’s okay. But it is scary when She is angry, because I think I am always afraid that if She is angry, that it means She is unhappy, or doesn’t want me, or might leave me. Hello. Insecurity anyone?

But that’s just what Syr mentioned to me in Her explanation of my punishment. It IS ok to get angry. It doesn’t have to mean something. AND it doesn’t mean that I somehow MADE Her angry. That is a harder thing for me to really absorb. I mean, She could be cranky, having a bad day, or maybe it is something I did, but that doesn’t mean it’s my job to make Her NOT angry. My job is to realize it’s not that big of a deal – we all get angry at each other sometimes, and I don’t need to panic.

Because, truly, that’s what I have been doing. I panic. I panic when I get angry. I panic when She gets angry. And if I can just relax and remember that we both have the right to feel and experience the emotion of anger, itself, then it will be much easier to make better choices about how I respond to Syr’s anger, and how I express my own.

Syr said: “You can choose to express your anger destructively or constructively.”

But She really believes that if I can put the emotion itself in a healthy place, mentally, the rest will be much easier. I think She’s right.

I do feel I need to work on strategies for expressing my anger constructively, when I feel it. It’s a well known fact that physical exertion expressions of anger are the “best”, according to experts on the subject anyway.

(By that logic, I wonder if Syr would agree to let me masturbate when I’m angry? Hmm...)

Okay, in all seriousness, I’d LOVE a little mini hanging boxing bags. One of those little teardrop shaped ones, you know? And some pink boxing gloves. Yeah baby. That’d be AWESOME! I should petition for that, a little boxing bag in our back room, maybe:

Space-Saver Wall Mount Kit:

Hmm... or even one of these fantastic pink desktop punching bags:

Whatdya say, Syr?

On being a bad, petulant girl

Yesterday started out well enough. I was actually having a marvelously wonderful "good girl" day yesterday.


I remembered my rules. There aren't many but all address challenging things for me (bad habits, lifestyle changes, etc). I was very conscious of my nail-chewing habit and hardly did it at all, all day at work. I did a little in the evening, but that was it. I counted all my points and planned healthy snacks and meals (weight watchers points). I took my yoga break. Those three, alone, definitely made for a good girl day.


And then - I got home.


I had the best of intentions. I was excited about making a yummy (but still low-fat) dinner for Syr. I had the unfortunate luck, however, to have started my period at a VERY inconvenient time and had to figure out getting bathed AND getting dinner started, so that Syr wouldn't have to wait too long for Her meal.


We had a miscommunication, though, in that Syr was wanting a bath but was going to wait until I had mine, and I had to have mine first for the aforementioned reason, but what I didn't know was that Syr was actually quite sore from work. She didn't just want a bath, it was something She was going to need, and She delayed Hers so that I could have mine - but when I got home, I was doing some futzing. I was trying to get some help from one of the boys to get dinner started so I could take my bath without delaying dinner, thinking of Syr's hunger. But in the delaying, I ended up frustrating Syr who, 20 minutes of futzing later, realized She could have had Her bath instead of waiting for me.


So we had a fight. It wasn't a big one, really. It was a lot of miscommunication from two PMS-ing females. ;) We are cycling together lately, which is both good - and bad. So it wasn't anything earth shattering, but I had a moment.


A bad moment.


She said something to me, that I didn't like, and walked away. It wasn't anything cruel, merely dismissive and frustrated. And I didn't like it. And I wanted Her to know it. I was angry and hurt.


So I slammed the bathroom door as hard as I could. And as the door shut in its frame, the heel of my hand went INTO the soft (cheap) veneer of the hollow door. *yelps*


I put a HOLE in one side of our bathroom door with my one act of defiance. I looked at it and quickly hopped in my super-shallow bath, and just started sobbing. I was angry and upset and hurt and my emotions were NOT appropriate to the situation. There was no call for me to be that freaked out, but I think what was hurting/upsetting me the most was knowing I'd just done something REALLY bad, and on a day I was trying to be so GOOD.


I'd lost my temper and I didn't even know how I was going to tell Syr what happened. But I didn't have to. She came into the bathroom a few minutes later... and saw it Herself.


We talked out what happened, with regard to the argument itself, and to Her credit, She stayed quite calm the whole time. We resolved the actual disagreement without too much fuss. Syr had Her bath while I cooked dinner...


I just couldn't shake the awful feeling that I was (am) just a terrible slave, terrible submissive, that I should never have lost my temper or acted out that way. I felt... feel... awful.


I know Syr was disappointed, really disappointed. That part really sucked. I spiralled, because I felt like my focus had been so good all day, I'd been focusing on Her, trying to be a good girl, follow my rules and in one moment I went from "good girl" status to "bad girl" status.


And if there's one thing that makes me feel awful, it's being a bad girl. I mean, we're not talking even just from a D/s standpoint. My whole life it was ALL ABOUT being the good girl, the one who followed the rules, behaved, didn't lie or sneak out of the house. Those few occasions that I broke the rules as a teenager, I was consumed with stress or guilt. I just far prefer to be the good girl.


How do I reconcile that with real emotion and real human fallacy? Humans make mistakes, we screw up, we lose our temper.


Syr told me lately that I am no longer allowed to have displays of anger/frustration. No throwing things or slamming doors or shouting. She asked me to explore why I reacted that way and what I was thinking at the time it happened.


It's hard to describe what I was thinking/feeling at the moment I slammed the door, or at any moment I shout or lose my temper. I know that I feel rebellious and angry and frustrated and most of all I feel like I'm being picked on. It's not logical - most of the time, Syr is just being angry or frustrated, but She rarely raises Her voice. She doesn't attack, even in anger. The worst thing She's ever done is walk away, shut down, etc. But when She doesn't respond the way I want Her to or when She doesn't say what I want Her to say... how I want Her to say it, when we're fighting or even when I'm apologizing, I feel like She's being *mean*.


Writing it out, now, two things become very very obvious.


1. These responses in me are very childish, almost regressively so. And I'll be honest, when in that headspace all I want to do is stomp my feet and bang my fists against the mattress and bawl my eyes out.


2. This is really the key now isn't it? "But when She doesn't respond the way I want Her to or when She doesn't say what I want Her to say... how I want Her to say it, when we're fighting or even when I'm apologizing, I feel like She's being *mean*" Exactly. I want. I expect. I control. *sigh*


In the end, my instinctive desire is for Her to respond to me in ways I expect and understand, not to be unpredictable. I want Her to "see it my way" and when She doesn't, I lose my temper or get really really wounded and feel like I'm being picked on. It's not rational, and it's definitely bred from my need to control/manipulate situations so that I am not caught off guard.


Thinking about it from this angle really helps me put it in it's place. My whole life until I was out on my own (and actually for much after that) was about everyone else having the control and their issues, their "stuff" tripping me up at every turn. Nothing was predictable. My life was a ticking time bomb. I was waiting for one family member or another or a partner to blow up, all the time. And when that happened, it was hurtful and traumatic - every time.


Living like that instills a certain fear in you. You keep waiting for the bomb to go off, and so even the mildest ticking, even the meaningless sort, sends you into panic that doesn't even seem appropriate for the situation.


And I think that's a huge key to my big upsets/freak-outs when there is tension between Syr and I. Anytime She gets upset with me, it's like I hear the ticking. She's NEVER been a bomb-force in my life like that. Not ever. She's always been stable and safe and loving and healthy for me. So the fear is unfounded. But even still, if She shuts down or gets angry, I have fear as if She is a bomb like the people in my past were.


It makes much sense now. The key is, deprogramming that fear - so that I can learn to trust and know that it's not ticking at all, but something completely different, and it isn't a sign that something bigger is or might happen. I need to learn to be in the moment.


And once again, it all cycles back to trust, and to surrender. Surrendering to the moment, trusting Her at face value when we have disagreements. Most of all, I need to work on relinquishing my need to try to affect the outcome. All I can do is be real, be honest, really listen, and most of all NOT panic.


And so there are a lot of lessons to take away from this.


This is the first time in a long time that I have desperately wished for punishment, real punishment, awful punishment - something severe and terrible. Atonement.


That is not something I'm familiar with. Yes I am grateful for punishment, always, because it helps me to have boundaries, and it makes me feel loved and secure to feel the containment that punishment offers. But I am not used to craving it for atonement, for forgiveness that's earned not just given to make me feel better.


I know that no matter what, it is a lesson in trust to accept whatever Syr decides to do about this. If She chooses to punish, then acceptance of that is a lesson to be learned. If She chooses not to punish, that is something I need to accept too because I know She knows what is best for me.


Whether there is punishment or not, I do desperately need Her forgiveness.