Secretary

Syr and I watched Secretary together last night. It was my second time seeing the movie, and Syr's first. Afterwards, Syr advised me that I was to write about my experience of watching the movie.

Interestingly, my first viewing didn't yield nearly so powerful response as I experienced, this time, and I've been thinking about why that is.

I've been in M/s and D/s relationships before. Yet, Syr pointed out one very important fact: My prior D/s relationships - even the M/s one, were not about romantic love. It was more disconnected than that. Yes, I loved my former Master, yet it was not what I would call romantic love. He knew some things about me - but He never knew all of me... and we were never intimately connected in what I would call a truly romantic way.

Syr and my D/s involves an intense connection between us, one that has a foundation in friendship, mutual respect, as well as romantic love. And while I have had somewhat successful polyamorous relationships in the past, and have surely witnessed very in-depth, happy, healthy, and fulfilling polyamorous relationships in others - I find that, for me, there is a depth that monogomy goes that polyamoury can not. There is something about being truly owned, and knowing that only the two of us share such a connection, that allows it to run deeper, harder, more intense for me.

I should warn you all - my candid discussion of the movie will likely be filled with spoilers, so if you haven't watched it yet and don't want it spoiled, here's your warning!

In any case, I feel like I reacted to each and every scene in the movie in a powerful way. The introductory scene shows the female main character, Lee, walking gracefully through Edward Grey's office with a spreader bar across her shoulders, wrists cuffed into it as she performs several morning tasks including stapling a set of papers with her chin (that had been carefully arranged just so she should do so, collecting a document with her mouth and getting Mr. Grey's coffee with her other hand (pictured above). She walks with a confident, sexual, feminine stride down the long hallway to his office, and shuts the door with her high heeled foot after she enters.

It's provocative and elicits simple graceful service in ritual - the kind of service that screams sensuality and posession and the way she obviously thrives in it.

The movie regresses to show us where Lee was six months earlier, and it's here that I was surprised at how much of the movie I simply didn't remember.

Lee was raised in a dysfunctional household with an alcoholic father and an overprotective, overbearing mother. Her appearance screamed naive and lost and seeking direction and guidance. She wore drab colours, seemed shy and scared - and doe-eyed. Bingo! She's ME!

The movie begins showing her release from an inpatient psychiatric program and it's quickly revealed why - she's a self-abuser. I've self-abused, and my ex was a chronic self-abuser (cutting and friction burns primarily). But I must have completely blocked out that part of the movie. I was lucky in that I mostly 'experimented' with self-abuse when i was younger but only a handful of times and I never became emotionally/psychologically addicted to the behaviour. But my struggles with my ex and other close family members in this regard lent me to having a deep understanding of the types of mindsets that lead to that sort of behaviour and the types of therapy it provides the person doing it.

I found it interesting how, this time watching the movie, I seemed to identify with the main character more, and feel where she was in her journey, and remember what it was like for me at that stage - where I felt lost and confused and unsure of everything but also longing to FEEL, and to experience something real that was outside myself.

Lee is desperate for identity, for herself, and she takes a typing class and eventually decides to apply for a Secretary job.

Enter the office of Edward Grey.

Her employment with Mr. Grey starts out odd, but interesting. He's particular, something she learns right off. But interestingly - she is desperate to please him, even from the beginning. He picks up on this, and seemingly tests her in small ways.

The first time Mr. Grey exerts any blatant control over Lee, it is to tell her that she is never to harm herself again. Her reaction to this was incredibly interesting. She looked at him, and seemed surprised, but also - grateful. And she agreed, and it was obvious that she meant it. She also saw something in him - something that she respected, and having someone address the issue directly with her, and so clearly give her an answer to it: "You will stop. Period" (not a movie quote but the general idea) seemed to free her.

He becomes more and more particular, until finally he pulls out his red pen and begins proofreading her letters - and harshly admonishing her typing errors. She seems to thrive on this and the power dynamic between them seems to grow.

She blossoms under his control and is open to every experience, embracing it. Each bit of control he exerts over her, seems to only open her up even more. The first time that he spanks her, she has a strong reaction similar to how I recall reacting to my first spanking - although mine I negotiated ahead of time so the surprise element wasn't there. She was shocked, maybe even horrified, but surrendered to the experience and ultimately realizing that it was something she needed, and wanted. Under Mr. Grey's control, she becomes STRONGER, more confident, more self-aware, more self-posessed, more interested in sex and pleasure and more aware of herself as a desireable and worthwhile person.

At one point, she calls him as the table is being set for dinner in her family home and reports to him what is being served. He listens to her and then tells her what she is to eat: Creamed potatoes with lots of butter, four peas, and all the ice cream she wants.

Later that night, she masturbates over this bit of exerted control... and damned if I didn't know exactly how she felt!

I feel like Lee goes through so many of the same things many submissives go through. First being surprised, and pleasantly amazed at how stimulating this control and punishment is - to craving more and more of it... to resorting to bratting/pushing/etc to try to get it... to surrendering (and maybe occasionally bratting).

At one point, she does something really bratty - deliberately, because she is missing the dominant attention of Mr. Grey - who backed off due to his own issues (I think shame, concern he was crossing the line, etc). When he called her into his office to deal with the matter she was excited, even whispering "Finally!" before she went to him. She eagerly bends over his desk with her hands palm down waiting for her anticipated spanking. But Mr. Grey doesn't spank her, doesn't give her what SHE wanted. He has her lift her skirt, and lower her pantyhose and panties. He pleasures himself and cums on her, instead, sending her back out to do her job.

This scene really struck me, because it was an interesting scene. She did get some of what she needed (containment, a reminder that he was in control - not her). But she didn't get what she thought she wanted (a spanking, positive dominant attention). However, she left content and happy that she had been reigned in (or seemingly so, particularly since she masturbated in the bathroom after finding the wet spot on the back of her blosue and replaying the moments shared with him).

Near the end of the movie, when she declares her love for him, and proves it by following one simple command (to sit at his desk, feet on the floor and hands, palm down on the desk until his return) for three days, unfailingly, it is clear that there is more than simple S/M play on the line here. Rather a connection developed between them - one of respect and love and also Dominance and submission.

At one point in the movie, Lee expresses how the attentions of Mr. Grey make her feel simultaneously free and as if she is being 'held by him'. I find this particular quote quite stimulating and damned if I can find the exact quote online... grr. If I do, I shall post it in this entry later.

In any case - the emotion of that statement hits home. Surrending control to Syr, submitting and being owned by Her make me feel simultaneously stronger and more confident and also safe, held and... contained.

Following the movie, Syr put me to kneel on my fur next to the bed and She and I talked quite candidly. She was stirred by the movie, or more accurately, my reactions to it and many discussion points came up.

A few things that I would say were highlights (if you can call them that... *wry smile*) was the discussion of consistent discipline or punishment. No matter how unpleasant discipline/punishment can be, it's something I need to feel secure and contained in my submission. I admitted to Syr that if I had to give up almost all of our kink, one thing I would hold on to, would be punishment or discipline, because it is that - that provides me a boundary or a safe space to be and live and submit. The rest, can ebb and flow to some degree, but if one thing is maintained and consistent - it is that, that I need.

It is also the one thing that Syr admits to having struggled with. When you are a parent or even a pet-owner (of the four legged variety), you learn that if you are going to punish bad behaviour, it needs to happen right away - not next week - or the lesson is lost. And so, with our lack of privacy, Syr often feels that if She can't punish or discipline me right away (lack of privacy), that She can't or shouldn't later. We talked about this a lot, and I did admit that I read the blogs of other submissives, especially those who don't live with their Owner(s) or Top(s), who are punished at the convenience of their Owner. Some Dominants keep a log of transgressions and dole out punishments when the timing is appropriate to do so. Some keep it in their head. Some give out punishments or disciplines or physical 'reminders' when the submissive seems to 'need' it. There is a lot of room for finding what works, and so we talked about that for quite some time.

Syr also talked about finding ways to give me small tasks or exert Her control in smaller ways on a more ongoing basis. Finding the balance and realizing that there are ways to connect to each other in D/s ways that aren't blatant or sexual is a learning and growing process.

Both of us seemed engaged and candid and it was productive and felt really wonderful.

Shortly after our conversation, Syr disciplined me for transgressions throughout the day. I suppose I had it in my head that any firm new disciplinary actions would you know.. start tomorrow. But She is my Owner, and while I didn't like it much, I am grateful that She chose not to let the days misbehaviour slide and that She did take action.

The stingy cropping that my bottom received drove me to tears and curling up in Her arms afterward I felt safe and loved and contained, in spite of the physical discomfort. I slept soundly until morning.