Friday, after I wrote my post about my bad behaviour, I had an evening event to attend, and Syr had the evening to read it and think about it.
By the time I got home that evening, She had decided what She wanted to do. She assigned me 500 lines, numbered and handwritten of this sentence: "It's ok to get angry." I was to think about that sentence while I wrote the lines. She explained Her reasoning for the choice of line for me to write.
I finished the first 325 lines Friday night and the remainder I finished this morning, as it had been a busy weekend for us both.
After I handed Her the stack of finished lines, including made-up lines for about 30 where I had written "It's ok to be angry" instead of "It's ok to get angry", She told me that I was to wrote 1000+ words about that sentence, what it meant.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
When Syr first told me that I was to write "It's ok to get angry", 500 times, I was surprised. It seemed an odd choice of sentence. I mean, I suppose if I was to write lines, I would have expected "I shall not slam doors" or "It's not okay to act out when I am angry" or... something. But the last thing I expected was, what initially felt like, a repeated line about how it's OK to get angry. I did remember my personal committment to trust whatever it was that Syr decided to do (or not do) about my actions during our fight the other day, and that put me in a receptive space to really hear what She was saying to me about why that sentence was so important.
Syr has observed that I tend to act out and spiral, and situations escalate between us, whenever I get angry. In Her observation, She expressed, it seems as thought I get freaked out by even BEING angry. I freak out if I get angry. I freak out if Syr gets angry. What She wanted me to work on, to think about, and to focus on during my punishment, was that feeling anger, experiencing anger - is normal, and ok. It doesn't have to be something scary, and it's not wrong for any person to be angry. It is each person's responsibility how they respond to that anger - but She seemed to pick up on something inside of me that just doesn't really believe it's okay for anyone to be angry.
At first I really balked. I was almost frustrated, because at the time all I could think of was "obviously I am okay with getting angry, given that I slammed a door!". But as I wrote each line again and again on the paper, and thought about it, I realized that Syr was onto something.
I thought of times I'd been angry as a child, or as a teenager in the home I grew up in. I realized that anytime I was angry, something bad always happened. I was shamed, punished, or lied to. I was never “allowed” to express anger. My role was to follow the rules and not make waves. My role was to be the “good girl” and in the house I grew up in, that meant not bucking authority – ever.
I thought of the times with previous romantic partners that I had been angry and of the fallout that I’d experienced. One ex would self-injure when she was upset. This was very traumatic. If I expressed anger, I could be starting a chain of events that could literally end in someone I love bleeding, or in one instance – overdosing on extra strength Tylenol and having to take her to the Emergency Room. One ex was so sensitive that any act of anger on my part would leave him acting as if I had just kicked him – a sensation that made me feel as if he was afraid of me – which really screwed with my head. I didn’t want to feel abusive, and so I just never expressed my anger, and stuffed it all down.
And then I thought of my history with people getting angry with me, and that was even more of an eye opener. In my family of origin, if someone were angry – it was a dramatic and often traumatic experience filled with lots of shouting and drama and even frightening things. If someone were angry with me, it always meant something big was happening, and I had to act quick, fix it somehow, stop it. My job was damage control, always. But usually in being “damage control”, my own emotions had to take a back burner. And I rarely found a healthy way to express my own emotion, my own anger.
So I made some connections between all of this and what Syr had me writing: “It’s ok to get angry”.
It’s okay for me to get angry? Really? Why was that so hard to wrap my brain around? Of course it’s okay. But I have all these blocks and so when I start to get angry, I get panicked, and I spiral and things escalate inside of me until I’m like a pressure cooker, ready to blow and I need to physically DO something. I suppose that’s partly why I end up yelling, or throwing something or feeling so bottled up that I’m ready to explode.
It’s okay for Syr to get angry? Really? Why is THAT so hard to wrap my brain around? Of course it’s okay. But it is scary when She is angry, because I think I am always afraid that if She is angry, that it means She is unhappy, or doesn’t want me, or might leave me. Hello. Insecurity anyone?
But that’s just what Syr mentioned to me in Her explanation of my punishment. It IS ok to get angry. It doesn’t have to mean something. AND it doesn’t mean that I somehow MADE Her angry. That is a harder thing for me to really absorb. I mean, She could be cranky, having a bad day, or maybe it is something I did, but that doesn’t mean it’s my job to make Her NOT angry. My job is to realize it’s not that big of a deal – we all get angry at each other sometimes, and I don’t need to panic.
Because, truly, that’s what I have been doing. I panic. I panic when I get angry. I panic when She gets angry. And if I can just relax and remember that we both have the right to feel and experience the emotion of anger, itself, then it will be much easier to make better choices about how I respond to Syr’s anger, and how I express my own.
Syr said: “You can choose to express your anger destructively or constructively.”
But She really believes that if I can put the emotion itself in a healthy place, mentally, the rest will be much easier. I think She’s right.
I do feel I need to work on strategies for expressing my anger constructively, when I feel it. It’s a well known fact that physical exertion expressions of anger are the “best”, according to experts on the subject anyway.
(By that logic, I wonder if Syr would agree to let me masturbate when I’m angry? Hmm...)
Okay, in all seriousness, I’d LOVE a little mini hanging boxing bags. One of those little teardrop shaped ones, you know? And some pink boxing gloves. Yeah baby. That’d be AWESOME! I should petition for that, a little boxing bag in our back room, maybe:
Space-Saver Wall Mount Kit:
Hmm... or even one of these fantastic pink desktop punching bags:
Whatdya say, Syr?
9 comments:
Do you often have tp write lines? Do you find it helps, in a corrective sense, i.e. is punishment writing effective for you? Have you ever had to copy pages from a dictionary, or perform other tedious written impositions?
my Owner assigns me lines sometimes as a focus tool, because I find myself sort of meditating on the thought that I am writing repeatedly.
She has, in the past, assigned extremely tedious writing assignments as punishment. For example - writing lines and making every other letter a different color or font on the document.
In general, She tends to use these sorts of tasks or punishments as ways to get me to think about something - to reflect on it (or just get it to sink in if I'm being particularly stubborn). I don't really think She would assign me meaningless tedious writing assignments or punishments such as copying from a dictionary. The idea is interesting in its mundane-ness but my Owner tends to imbue most of my assignments/punishments with a great deal of meaning and depth, so it doesn't really seem Her style.
I am often punished with written impositions -- either learning a bitter lesson through a repeated line related to my expected future behaviour, or having all my free time stripped away by the pen and tedium to punish a misdeed. A tool called FOW, or Fond Of Writing, is also used sometimes by my disciplinarian, when she wants me to be grounded or wants to take away my free time.
I actually have the FOW application. My former Master and my Owner have both used it on occasion, but my Owner tends to prefer to keep it simple.
I remember FOW punishments that brought me to tears (the popups with the tiny randomly appearing button for example).
I think the popups and related stuff just get in the way of the punishment. If the objective is to teach me something, like don't drink and drive, or strip away my free time, there's no need to make me mentally exhausted at the same time. FOW has too many frivolous features which some dommes feel they must use, in my little opinion. What is your email address if someone wanted to send you a note?
You can send me a note on FetLife (I am alena on there) or you could email me at littlegirlalena at gmail dot com. :)
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