The Peace of Surrender

There is so much peace in Surrender.

I was talking to someone the other day, online, whom I am just starting to get to know. And in the talking, was describing an experience I had with Syr not that long ago, where She danced with me. I realized in the dancing, as She led me, that it can be hard to let go and follow.

Maybe for some, it is easy. But I didn't find it easy. I did note that it was easier with Her than it had ever been with anyone else I had danced with. She's certainly a strong lead.

One thing I realized is that the impulse to 'help' when dancing and not just simply to let go and follow the lead, is the same impulse that makes it difficult to truly trust and surrender.

When Syr does something that I don't expect or don't feel prepared for in an S/M sense, it's hard to relax into it, to trust. In a vanilla context, it's really the same thing. When Syr says "I'm angry, but it's okay, I just need to cool off.", that's something I need to trust. If Syr tells me to do something, and I don't fully understand Her reasoning for it, I need to trust, because She never asks me to do something for no reason whatsoever. There is always a reason and why do I struggle with simply letting go, giving in, and trusting? But I do.

At any rate, this conversation with my new friend, was yielding all sorts of fun little lightbulb moments and ideas about trust, letting go, and surrender. And in the process, I had this interesting thought about what it would be like to do a trust test, for Syr to blindfold me and lead me around somewhere, like the woods. I chatted with Syr about it. I was utterly entranced by the idea, if nothing else, to see if it would be easy or hard for me, to see where I really was at development-wise with my trust with Syr, and my ability to let go and really follow.

Saturday, Syr took me out for the day and we did some random exploring. Along the way, we found a beautiful little park that was quite out of the way. It wasn't necessarily an appropriate time to use something so bold as a blindfold given our surroundings, but Syr in Her spontaneity simply ordered me to close my eyes.

Duh. ;) I guess that WOULD be easier, wouldn't it? It also should have been harder. But I was amazed that I didn't try to peek even once.

She led me by the hand for a little while and I tried to focus and breathe and relax into simply holding Her hand gently, and trusting - knowing She would lead me. She had me open my eyes again just a few moments later and I was breathless for a few moments from the experience.

Later on that afternoon, we ended up in a different park, and it had a ledge with a concrete border that was elevated. Once again, Syr had me close my eyes and led me up onto the ledge, and walked me right along it for a while. The connection between us was electric. I knew that I was safe and I didn't even squeeze Her hand tightly, simply took things slowly and let Her lead me.

Then, She had an idea. She took me to an area of the park near a wall - and once again ordered me to close my eyes. This time, She wasn't touching me. She stood, a fair bit away, and reminded me to trust Her. And then She started giving me commands.

"Turn to the left"

"Step forward three paces"

"Turn to the right"

"Step forward two paces"

At one point, She had me continue to turn clockwise by turning to the right again, and again, and again. She moved around me, not staying in the same place so that I didn't know which direction I was facing or where I was headed at any time. She had me walk backward and varied the length of my strides.

Finally, I sensed... something... and my eyes flew open. I hadn't intended it, but I was a couple of steps away from a wall. I don't know why my eyes opened, but it was interesting. Syr was going to have me take a couple small steps and then put my hands out. But either way the experience was intense.

I sunk into this really amazing space listening to Her voice while She commanded my movements. And Her voice took on this quality that I can't really describe. It was a powerful, confident tone. It was... sure. And I found it easier than I thought I would to follow each command She gave me.

Afterwards, I was so little, and felt so loved and peaceful. It was definitely an experience that I will never forget.