New collar!

So my new, self-imposed, daily ritual of reviewing the summary of my slave petition has been very helpful in keeping me mindful.

I am proud to say that I have not, yet, missed a single day of reading it. I have a reminder in both my primary email inbox and on the homepage of my smartphone - both places I look at several times a day making it easy to remember to do it.  It's quick enough, maybe takes 1 minute. And in that single minute, I am instantly reminded of my place - of all that I have and all that my Owner provides to me every single day... and of what I have to offer in return.

My timing for implementing (all on my own!) this new ritual couldn't be better.

My holiday gifts from my Owner are a night away at a hotel.... for some much needed D/s reconnecting time. And, as She surprised me with on Friday night, a new collar of the 24/7 variety.

The physical, worn, representation of my collar has been constantly evolving. Initially, She offered it to me as a silver anklet. But it was too small for my ankle... and too large for a bracelet. So She had it sized down to a bracelet. It was a figaro style, fairly delicate. And over time and wear and tear it started breaking. Syr replaced it with a sturdier silver bracelet and that is the one I have worn long-term. However, I am highly sensitive to nickel. Usually sterling silver is relatively safe, but if I wear something around the clock I develop a sensitivity over time to it. My wrist started reacting so I'd switch wrists. Then that wrist would react and I'd switch back. Then I'd need to take it off entirely for a period of time and switch to a leather bracelet but the clasp on that started to irritate too.

My metal allergies have been a point of frustration, for sure. So this year, for Christmas, Syr was going to replace it with gold and instructed me to do some pricing research so we could go shop boxing day sales. That's when we both realized that a necklace was also an option! We'd just never gone the necklace route because of how it evolved (originally from an anklet).

So, the research began. Aware of the sort of budget we were looking at, I was quickly dismayed to find what we could afford for either a gold necklace or bracelet. And then I was just looking at our wedding rings - made of titanium - a hypoallergenic metal that's never given me trouble - and so I asked Syr if we should consider foregoing gold and looking at titanium instead? The price point was well within my Owner's budget versus the gold which would have been a big budget stretch and probably cause a larger financial stress than Syr would have been prepared for. I KNOW the metal won't cause me any problems, and titanium is both incredibly strong and lightweight so ideal for daily wear. She loved the idea!!

Within an hour after that, we had a necklace picked out and ordered. A simple rope style chain. 100% titanium. And the right length to sit right around my collarbones. Perfect.

I should get it in a couple of weeks... and, if all goes well, BEFORE our trip to the hotel which is booked for the weekend of January 19th. Timely, right?

I'm so excited to be getting a new collar, one that won't cause me any skin issues so that I don't have to take breaks from wearing it!! :-)

And... I'm REALLY looking forward to that weekend away as well. I'm long overdue for a good old fashioned beating. *wink*

P.S. Happy New Year! 2013 is going to be awesome.

How to be more mindful...

I notice that I often only write here when there are Big Lessons™ happening. Well, this is no exception.

I got in an argument with my Owner yesterday. And, as usual, the reason it turned into a full blown argument was because I wouldn't A: stop talking and B: start listening until the damage was done.

One of the things I know I need to work harder on is the way I handle tension and conflict. When I feel panicked or cornered, I tend to talk faster and louder, and listen less - when what I need most is to do the exact opposite, talk less and listen more.

I decided to start doing something to help me remember why this is so important. So I reviewed the Petition for Slavery that I did as an assignment for my Owner this past summer. Reading it through was interesting... it reminded me of two important things...

Just how much my Owner does for me every single day, things I often take for granted.
and...
How much I have to offer, when I am mindful.

So I read it through, and then I created a one page summary of what it contains. First a summary of what Syr offers me. And then a summary of what I have to offer. And finally, in slightly larger font, a summary of the key things for me to focus on each and every day. Reminders. And then I put it in a document on my phone. And in my email. And added it to my daily tasks to read it every day.

I hope I will be consistent because the simple act of reading that every day will be a really wonderful touchstone for me and make it so much easier to be mindful. It's not foolproof... nothing is... and I know I will still make mistakes.

But I have created a tool that will help me be a better me... and that has value. So we'll see where it goes from here.

Readjusting my attitude

Recently, I'd begun to notice a bit of complacency sneaking back into our day to day interactions.

I've learned that the more aware I am of my tone, my word choices, the ways that I ask for things or the ways that I communicate when I am cranky - the better I do at offering service from my heart, even the little things.

The other day, Syr asked me to do a minor errand while She worked on dinner. 

It was something where I was fixated on doing some things in a particular order. I can be a bit type A in that way. I like to do things in what "feels" to me to be the most efficient manner possible, which isn't necessarily always what my Owner actually wants. But I do sometimes get stuck on that.

This was one of those moments. I kept "asking" for clarification because Her way just wasn't making sense to me. It got to the point where I spent so much time negotiating (read: arguing), that I actually used up more time doing that than I would have if I had just done as She'd asked in the order She'd asked. And I ended up pushing too hard and Syr suddenly and abruptly (and quite sternly) said "Come here. Now."

It was Her tone, and that part of me that knew I was being stubborn that woke me up. I set down what I was carrying and went into the kitchen - meek as a mouse and feeling pretty ashamed of myself.

The lecture that ensued was much deserved, as was Her frustration. It was a simple task.

But something about the way She'd handled it, was a much needed wake-up call. A little poke that my attitude needed readjusting. And so that's what I've done. 

We have a lot of banter and play and a good dose of bratty push back in our dynamic, but it's important to me and to my Owner that the line is drawn when appropriate and that I will toe the line when needed. It's important for me to stay committed to that work. This was an opportunity for growth and awareness for me.

RIP, Ripper

I really need to find some really great butch/femme D/s porn. Funny, it's not so easy to find!!

*naughty girl sigh*

In other news... Life's been pretty crazy lately, but then isn't summer always like that? It's a good kind of crazy, with lots of sunshine and goofy-happy to keep us busy. But there's also a noticeable lack of sex with the stuffiness and heat in the bedroom. So, goofy-happy - yes. Horny - definitely.

We also had a bit of an "incident" involving Ripper - the best cock ever. When Syr says to make sure to clean up and put the toys away after an afternoon romp, one should clean up and put the toys away right away - before the puppy finds them!

I was a very sad girl when I discovered the best cock ever, with a chunk chewed out of it! Bad puppy!! Most of all - bad slave girl for not picking things up promptly. But, in my defense, I was feeling all gooey and weak-kneed following the super-sexy romp, and well.. goofy, weak-kneed girls can be a bit scatterbrained (or at least this one can).

I got in trouble. But the whole situation was both distressing and hilarious as well. So Syr went easy on me, all things considered.

Thankfully, we managed to get to our favourite toy shop and snagged the very last Ripper they had, since they won't be carrying it any more. Eeks.

Ripper really is the best cock ever. I mean, there's the big cock for those days when being full is the most important thing, and the perfect sucking cock (silky smooth and not too wide)... but Ripper, with all its glorious texture, just turns me inside out. I'm sooooo glad we were able to replace it. And you can bet I am now VERY careful about making sure the toys get put away, promptly!

RIP, Ripper. Thank Goodness for Ripper 2.

One Minute

This morning, as we were driving together, I was teasing my Owner good-naturedly about something when She playfully warned me... "be careful or I'll give you special instructions for the day."

My curiosity piqued, I shyly confessed "but I like special instructions!"

"Oh really?" She asked, arching an eyebrow and smirking.

I blushed and looked away, suddenly shy.

"Okay then," She ordered, "I want you to play once an hour for exactly one minute."

Asking a question I already knew the answer to: "Can I cum?"

"Nope. Have a nice day, little girl." She grinned.

"You too, Syr." I replied, chagrined.

Syr's instructions had me buzzing and I was determined to make it to the restroom as soon as I put my things away at my desk at the office. As I sat down to straighten my desk, though, I was suddenly distracted by a bunch of urgent emails. And, my phone was going crazy with all the tweets about the Femme Conference happening this weekend, so that was distracting too!

The next thing I knew, it was 10:30 and I was sending Syr a message confessing I hadn't made any trips yet. I went right then to do my first one.  When I got settled in the washroom and first brought my fingers to my clit, I was surprised to notice how hot I already was! As I mentally counted the seconds (one one-thousand, two one-thousand...) I noticed that the closer I got to 60, the closer I got to orgasm. I knew She'd want me not to 'cheat' by easing up so I kept going as if I was going to be allowed to finish and obediently stopped when my mental clock hit one minute.  I had to catch my breath for a few moments and found myself surprised by how close I'd gotten. It wasn't THAT long ago when I couldn't make myself cum with just my fingers - at all! Let alone so fast... I started to feel a little worried about the rest of the Minutes I had yet to complete.

I came back to my desk and sent Syr a message, letting Her know I'd completed the task for the hour.  I managed to break away for another during the 11am hour and found the intensity much the same. I went a little easier on myself that time.

During my lunch hour, I was once again distracted - this time by food and the novel I've been reading.

When I got back to my desk another flood of emails grabbed me and I didn't make it back to the washroom for my 3pm minute and by the time 4:30pm rolled around I hadn't made it for another, making my grand total for the day only 3 out of the 8 or so I should have gotten done. Yikes!

Syr seemed to have something up Her sleeve for the drive home as She repeatedly asked me how many One Minute sessions I'd completed. When we got home, She ordered me to go to the washroom at home and make up the missing five minutes.

I asked Her, "can I cum?" and to my surprise, She said "if you can in 5 minutes, yes."  Emboldened by Her reply, I whined "can I lie down on the bed?"

After admonishing me for trying to bargain with Her when She was being generous enough already with Her terms, She reminded me that I was supposed to be spending those minutes in the washroom earlier in the day so that was where I would spend them now - and ... threatened to revoke Her permission to cum. I hastily agreed to comply as She intended and headed into the washroom for ...

Five minutes of agonizing torture!

I was SURE I wasn't going to be able to cum. I was as sure that I wasn't going to get there as I had earlier been sure that I'd find it hard to stop in time!  And, this time, I had 4 extra minutes and way more privacy. Frustrating! 

But, when I let my mind drift, daydreaming about my Owner taking my mouth with Her cock, it started to get a lot easier... and four minutes in, I had a lovely orgasm followed in quick succession by two smaller ones.

Mmm...  I really do like special instructions..

Yes, Syr

There is a hefty project I am working on for my Owner... a formal petition to be Her slave.

Now, some context is important for this assignment. I already am my Owner's property. The writing of a petition is an exercise designed to be instructive and enlightening for both of us. Syr made it pretty clear that She has an idea of what She hopes I will get out of it.

So, having never written anything like that, I used my "phone a friend" option and called a Dominant friend whom I know has received such petitions in the past to get some sort of feel for what they usually contain.

It was a wonderful conversation and it really got me thinking about my slavery in a new way. One of the things we ended up chatting about was the mundane day to day realities of life and how that can sometimes feel like it gets in the way of connecting to my Owner in a D/s way. There is a lack of privacy to consider among other complications and it just feels like we often get stuck in ruts.

One of my friend's tips was to take as many opportunities as I could to call my Owner by the honorific we use - Syr.

I admitted that I often feel shy about calling Her Syr out loud - even in private - unless we are in a very formal D/s sort of mindframe or environment. And the Dominant I was chatting with got right to the point (She's very direct!) and asked me three questions:

Are you ashamed of your Syr? (My answer: of course not!)
Are you ashamed of Her Dominant role in your life? (My answer: no!)
Do you like to compliment Her whenever you can? (My answer: *grinning* Yes!!)

"So call Her Syr every chance you get!"

Well... that really hit home.

I've found it easier to call Her Syr much much more often since that conversation. I've noticed that being mindful of calling Her Syr whenever it's realistic (which is much more often than I ever realized) makes it much easier to maintain my own submissive headspace and it allows me to feel more connected to Her in a D/s way even while we are doing totally mundane chores or errands.

I noticed that when some stressful life stuff came up, that it got harder again for a little while, but I'm cycling back into it. It's definitely a work in progress. Neither of us have tended to maintain much formality to our dynamic and yet it is always there, always present, and such an important part of who we are to each other.

It is a privilege to be able to call my Owner, "Syr", and so now when I get the opportunity to do so, I feel grateful and pleased and a lot less shy.

As to the petition - I am still hard at work on it. It is over 9 pages long and still growing. I am learning a lot about myself and what's important to me about my slavery in the process - so I have a feeling it's doing what Syr intended. I guess I'll find out when I am finished with it.

Money

I've always found it a wonderful form of "service" to manage Syr and my joint finances. By manage, I mean - painstakingly budget and track every expenditure, plan for debt repayment and ensure everything is always meticulously accurate.

It came naturally to me. I've always been the one to manage the money. In my prior relationship, I was the sole breadwinner for two adults. We didn't have a lot of money and we had some crazy medical expenses as my ex had type I diabetes (and no health insurance). It was stressful, but I did it well. It also always made me feel I had some semblance of control.

Syr and I were having a difficult conversation this weekend about my tendencies toward trying to control/micromanage little things. She has often complimented this about me because it has often really worked in our favour. I tend to take a project and run with it. This came in handy when we were going through the wedding planning and immigration process. But, while I am efficient and effective, I also don't have much experience trusting someone else to do their part. The wedding is a perfect example. Syr would offer to help, so I would give Her some small task to help us get ready - but I would often get to it before She had a chance - and by often, I mean most of the time.

I feel "helpful" when I do this. But, upon introspection, I also realized there was a core trust issue. I've never handed things over well. I like doing a job and doin git well but I must admit that I also like doing it MY way. And when I have enough (too much?) say-so in a project or task, I tend to micromanage or resent others trying to "help". I guess I'm not very good at sharing responsibility. I have this tendency to behave (and, if I'm being honest - to think) in a "if you do it, you won't do it right" sort of way.

Syr's always been content to let me handle the money since the bills are always paid on time and it's something that we both thought made me feel useful and something I thought was a good "service".

But what I realized is that I don't have much (any?) experience trusting that important things will get done if I'm not somehow either doing it myself or 'managing' the process. This leads to unhealthy controlling tendencies that don't make me feel very good. It makes me feel stressed and unsure and ungrounded and very much not contained.

I have always been terrified... like actually terrified... that one day Syr may decide that it's in my best interest for Her to handle the money for a while... to manage it... do the budget... pay the bills. She's threatened once or twice when I've behaved in too controlling of a way over the money.

But, this weekend when we were talking about one of the areas where my impulse to control rears its ugly head, I realized that I needed to give it up. I HATED the idea, like actually hated it. But I brought it up anyway. I told Her that I thought I should give up control of the money. I told Her why. I told Her that I feel like I haven't ever put myself in a position to trust anyone (even Her) with a big "job" that I am used to handling myself. I've never not been in charge of the money. Not ever. But I realized that this was not a good thing. I've never really let go of that 'need' to be in control and, let's face it, money is an area that has a lot of power in a relationship and/or family. It felt like the appropriate and healthy next step.

I can't tell you all how twitchy I got handing over the list of bills, amounts, and due dates, current balances and all of that. I KNOW she's not going to manage it the way I did. She's not going to budget like I did. She's not going to keep spreadsheets or apps or charts like I did. But there were some fundamental things I realized made sense. First, She and I have similar views on money and spending. It's not like She is careless with money or I am, or that either of us have expensive tastes. We both love a good bargain. I don't have to worry about that sort of stuff. But, She is better at saying no to me if there is something we want to do but can't afford - for obvious reasons. She is also excellent at working with a tight amount of money. She has more experience at that than I do and I thought I had a lot of experience. ;)  So I know that financially, we'll be fine - maybe even better - than we were when I was managing it.

But, more than that, it also feels like a huge and important trust move.  It feels like a huge and important personal growth move and one that may mellow me out in other areas. I don't LIKE being in control. I don't like the stress of it. I like to feel like I can take care of myself and that skill is not going to go away just because I'm not keeping spreadsheets of data and micromanaging every dollar. But honestly, I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to deal. To cope. And I needed to find that out. Is this a need/compulsion thing or is it just that I've never tried it any other way? I can be oh-so-resistant to change, don't ya know?

So, Syr is now in charge of the money. I was really nervous for the first 24 hours. I have no idea how She's going to do it. But, today, we went grocery shopping. And I can't tell you how relaxing it was... to not be in charge. To know that the financial decisions over how much we spent or how long stuff needed to last were all Hers and not mine.

This remarkable thing happened. I didn't feel the need to micromanage Her. I think I asked a few times if it was going to be okay (the amount we were spending) but I didn't actually feel the need to somehow steer Her (or the cart). I relaxed. I felt safe. I felt cared for. I felt nurtured. I felt... so relaxed. I breathed a couple really big deep breaths that were like happy sighs in the store. It actually felt like a big weight was off my shoulders.

I felt... little. :) I felt... fantastic!   It was like, I could just be me in the store, and I was all little girl and She was all Daddy and it felt so right. I just loved it. And loving it was a FAR cry from what I expected.  I'd expected to feel nervous... scared.... uptight... anxious. But no, what I felt was...

safe.

Amazing.

Out of commission...

I've been, sort of, out of commission - sexually - for a while, now.

By "a while", I mean, since around October. It's a long story, and is nothing serious, but let's just say that I had a minor medical issue that made sex difficult and often uncomfortable. It wasn't a huge deal, stress wise, because Syr and I have a lot of intimacy in our relationship and so it didn't harm us in any way.

But.... I'm often a horny grrl and so it's been.... a challenge (to put it mildly).

My very minor medical issue is nearing its end. A small procedure at the end of the month, some healing time, and I should be as good as new without any lingering symptoms of any kind. This is very exciting! In fact, so much so, that it seems almost surreal...

As my situation has improved, we have had moments here and there... really super sexy moments.

Last night was one of those. We were just curling up, and Syr was spooning me in bed, ready for sleep. But with Her spooning me from behind like that, I just kept thinking about Her cock! I found myself pressing back against Her, imagining I could feel it. She wrapped Her hand around my throat, tangled it in my hair and whispered naughty things in that sexy, gruff, bedroom voice and I was undone. I wanted Her... needed Her.

But there were still limitations.

She got out our new toy... which I just realized I may not have even blogged about yet. It's a We-Vibe 3. We got it because it looked very comfortable for Syr to put in me (it's got one part that goes inside, with a vibrating pad that stimulates the g spot and a part that goes outside with a vibrating pad that stimulates the clit) and leave in me. The fact that it had a remote really got Syr perking. ;)  But, we got the new toy while I was still... well... out of commission ... so Syr hasn't had the chance to play with it (& me) much.

Last night though, She had me put it in and then make Her cum. It was so hot feeling stimulated while I did that. It's always so hot to get Her off like that but the additional distraction of the vibe made me positively crazy!! After She came, She had me cum for Her. I hadn't had an orgasm in longer than I care to think about and the relief in my body was palpable afterward.

She turned the We-Vibe off, then, but had me sleep in it for the night.

When I awoke I was allowed to take it out when I got ready in the morning but then instructed to put it back in. I had to take care of morning chores with it in, thankfully turned off. But following those it was turned on again (on low) while I served Her coffee and drank my own. Finally, with my cup of coffee nearly gone, She told me I could finish my coffee, and then go upstairs and cum twice. So, I finished my coffee (gulp), and headed upstairs.

It was hard not to fall asleep after the second orgasm... but I knew Syr would want a report on my activities and I thought it would be very rude of me to enjoy the orgasms and not thank Her, so I cleaned up and came back downstairs, thanking Her for the orgasms.

Pretty sexy way to start off the weekend... if you ask me.

Red

Things have been very busy in our household lately.

My Owner and I have been busy revamping a lot of things around the house. I've actually really enjoyed all the cleaning and re-organizing and such. There has also been some discussion around the types of domestic service that Syr will likely begin introducing into our day to day life - which is interesting, and kind of exciting.

But, my main reason for writing is to process something that happened yesterday.

Syr and I were bantering, and playing a bit, there were kisses and a bit of the fun kind of bratting (on my part, obviously) and some struggling (also on my part), and we were having fun. But, at a certain point, Syr decided it was time for it to stop so She did what She often does in these sort of moments and stops everything with a bit of intentional pain.

This was not a disciplinary sort of thing. It was a show of power, so to speak. She has used this same method many times and what usually happens is that She makes me physically uncomfortable, somewhat unexpectedly. Whether it be pulling my hair in the not fun place, or squeezing a body part very hard or some such, but when I complain, She doesn't stop - instead, She holds the position and maintains the pain level, reminding me to breathe. This is a very effective way for Her to remind me that ultimately, She is in control. It is never physically pleasant, but at a certain point, usually shortly after She reminds me to breathe, I just sort of melt. I soften into it. I surrender. Afterwards, I usually feel soft and compliant.

But, yesterday morning, the method She chose - most conveniently, was to bite me... on my cheek.  It's not like She's never bitten me before. And it wasn't a chomp. It was more like a bite-hold, where Her teeth hold a steady pressure. And, like usual, I was not liking the sensation. I was whimpering and asking Her to stop, as I usually do. But She reminded me to breathe.  And instead of softening, I was still feeling the bad kind of pain. I wasn't melting. I wasn't relaxing. Something about this particular spot, or my headspace at the time, made me feel panicky. I wasn't sure if I was just panicking because I wasn't in control or if I was panicking because it hurt. But I started to get really mad at Her for doing it to me. This is the opposite reaction that I usually have. I didn't communicate any of that. I just started to freak out. I started crying and then I tried to push Her away.

She stopped and pulled me close, holding me tightly while I cried and kept trying to push Her away. As I started to calm down, She asked very compassionately... "Honey, why didn't you call 'red'"?

I just told Her I didn't know.

We talked about it at length after, and off and on throughout the day. I'm still not sure if I would have really been able to identify what was happening to me soon enough to call out a safeword. But, we also realized as we talked that I really never safeword. It's not that I've never hit a limit in a scene... and it's also not that I've been in the habit of letting myself get beyond reasonable limits. Partly, it's that I've tended to only play very hard with people I know very, very well and who know me (and my responses and reactions) very, very well - so before I get too close to my absolute stopping point, the person inflicting the pain reads me and knows it's time to stop. So, I suppose, in that way, I just haven't had to worry about it very much.

But, partly, I think I also have a bit of a block about calling a safeword. I trust my Owner, implicitly. I know She would  never do anything intended to harm me... ever. So, generally I push through any emotional or mental resistance and I just submit to whatever is happening. But, also, I have a very manipulative and controlling personality - or I know I have the capacity to be. So I don't know that I trust myself not to safeword just to get out of something unpleasant. I don't think I'd do that... but I don't necessarily trust myself not to...

So we talked a lot about that and also about the idea of using a medium sorta safeword like yellow where I can let Her know there's a problem. And we talked about how I do need to take responsibility if I feel my headspace shifting to something so negative and that I need to safeword in those situations because She has no way to know, ESPECIALLY because our play often includes some bratting and/or resistance from me.  But Syr also spent a lot of time reassuring me that She would never ever take it personally if I safeword or if I have a problem with something. I know that, logically, but it was very reassuring to hear it.

I'm still not entirely sure what the solution is, exactly, but to get some more experience safewording (hopefully yellow and not red - LOL).  But I do feel very comforted following all our discussion about it. If my block was due to some sort of self-consciousness, I feel like we probably worked through anything that might have caused that. So, that's progress. I don't see us running into situations like this very often. We don't play with very heavy S/M most of the time. There are some edgy things we include in our play, but rarely anything particularly extreme. However, there are obviously little odd things that can come up now and then, like they did yesterday), that we both need to be aware of and prepared for.  In that way, this was probably a really good learning experience.

Domestic Service

Syr was reading my blog this evening and pointed out that it seems like all I'm blogging about lately are the hard things.

It's an easy habit to fall into. After all, this journey of submission and slavery - for me - is very much about facing the hard things and growing, not only as my Owner's slave, but as a person. Writing is a very effective outlet for me so I frequently find myself playing out the hard things on my blog. Syr appreciates the effectiveness of the writing - but was, appropriately, concerned that I might look back on the last couple dozen posts and get down on myself for all the difficulties lately.

So I thought I'd add another blog post this evening to discuss some other things that have been going on.

Lately, we have been re-finding our D/s groove. It's been challenging to balance a 24/7 Owner/slave relationship with the lack of privacy that two nearly adult (and now adult!) children in the home causes. When we first got together, the boys were younger (and went to bed early!), but we went through a sudden shift and extreme lack of privacy during their older adult years. Now that they're both adults and really building their own lives outside of the home it is getting easier for us to re-find the rituals and protocols that become wonderful touchstones in our day to day dynamic.

There are many wonderful little rituals that keep me in my place: sleeping in my collar (as long as I've not lost the privilege through bad behaviour...), referring to Her as Syr as often as possible (which is a LOT more often, lately), making Her coffee, the time-outs and devotionals, re-instituting the three-sentence posts (which I now post over on www.butchfemmekink.com), and other little service things.

But, perhaps because of recent growth, and perhaps because I now feel 'ready', what has been on my mind the most the last few weeks is - domestic service.

Domestic service (as in the more intense sort, not my little daily chores), is something that has been pretty iffy for me in the past.

I had some experiences when I was new to BDSM, that exposed me to situations where I thought that domestic service was going to be a hard limit. I served a Domme once in this capacity and found that the amount of pressure put on me (mostly by myself) to be absolutely perfect in every chore was just too overwhelming. Then, my I served a Master whom I could only see part time and because he ran a household with small children and pets, the mess was overwhelming and would have literally taken all my time with him had I been given the task. It became something that I simply communicated to Dominants, up front, that it was not the sort of thing I felt good about.

Yet, oddly, lately... it's been on my mind. It's a bit erotic to think about, which is totally new for me.

A couple of weekends ago, Syr had me vacuuming - just a simple chore. But at one point started spanking my bottom while I vacuumed, ordering me not to stop or get distracted as I completed the task - being followed by Her, spanked by Her while I completed the chore. It was so hot.

But it's not just this little sexy scene that got me thinking about it. We, as a married couple, have lots of mundane responsibilities that need attending to... and Syr, having been a single mother for years in the past, tends to automatically do a lot of the houseworky type of stuff and we both tend to take that for granted because it's just so automatic. But I've found it bothering me a lot lately that She seems to be doing more housework than me! It seems kinda unfair, being that I'm the slavegirl and all.

Actually, it seems REALLY unfair. She likes to cook, so that's one thing. But who likes to scrub out the bathtub? I mean, really? And so if I find out that She's done these sort of things, I feel this weird feeling inside like ... "hey! that's my job!" but...  this has never been a part of our dynamic in the past.

(I can totally picture other slaves erupting in wild guffaws at the idea of a slave NOT doing the majority of the housework but... well.. that HAS been the way of it).

So, it's been on my mind SO much that I broached the subject with Syr today. Partly because it's been all I could think about all weekend long. I found myself actually craving it, but not sure how to ask. I mean, for someone who doesn't love housework (me), it felt a little weird that all I really wanted was to go up to my Owner and ask for a list of chores She'd like me to complete. I wasn't really sure with what to do with this new found sense of duty. And I don't say that to belittle myself in any way. It's just that this is new for me.

Syr admitted that She, too, has been thinking more about domestic service lately.. but She knew my background and the reasons why I've been hesitant in this area and She wasn't willing to press the issue until She felt I was ready. My broaching the subject told Her I was ready. So I think the expectations on me around domestic service will be changing... very soon.

She mentioned perhaps sending me off to clean one room, top to bottom - when the idea strikes Her. I have to say, the idea appealed to me in this totally odd way.

It's late, so I'm not sure I'm wording my thoughts very coherently but there you have it. I swore for many years that I was not cut out to be a domestic slave - and yet - here I am.

I think a large part of that is that my submission to my Owner has been and continues to be a very in depth journey. In many ways, we are both growing into ourselves and our roles in an organic manner. There are things we never dreamed would be part of our dynamic five years ago, but now couldn't imagine being without.  So much has changed and evolved over time, that I suppose I shouldn't be surprised at this latest.

I'm interested to see where this goes...

Sunday Devotional: Accepting

A lesson learned this afternoon - on accepting my Owner's direction, EVEN (hmm, or especially), when I think there's been a misunderstanding or a miscommunication.

This afternoon, I admitted to Syr that I was fixating on a particular activity. I had a linear plan to do something for Syr (haircut) before doing this particular activity (taking a bath). I was trying to rush Syr to the haircut because I really wanted to cut Her hair.... but the rushing was because I was fixating on a bath.

Well, when I admitted to Syr that I was fixating, She seemed a little displeased and told me to go take my bath. Her displeasure made me feel freaked out because I didn't want Her to think I wasn't excited about Her haircut. But She pointed out that if I was fixating on the bath then my attention wouldn't be on the haircut. I didn't want to believe that to be true. I thought ... to myself - I LOVE giving Syr haircuts! So of course I would enjoy it and be attentive... so I argued.

And arguing with Her never leads to a good resolution for either of us. She said that I told Her my headspace and She made a decision based on that headspace.She also ordered me to do a 10 minute time out (and then have my bath). I argued a little bit longer (not good) but then went upstairs.

My timeout is now over and... naturally.. I realize She was right. That seems to always happen. She was right that my attention was not where it needed to be. it's unfortunate because I would have preferred serve Her (haircut) before me (bath). BUT ... looking back... Her decision makes sense. Get the bath taken care of and then when/if haircut time rolls around, She won't have to worry that my attention is diverted.

Oops. :(

So, another lesson learned the hard way. But, I realized that I need to work ... a hell of a lot harder than I have been... on acceptance. This has been a running theme lately. I accept Her leadership when things seem smooth and I can tell that She is happy with me. But accepting Her direction and leadership when I am panicking that I've displeased Her is not so easy and it's come up a lot for us in the last few weeks. The moment She said - Okay, go have your bath (the first time). I should have remembered my place and said "yes, Syr" and come up for my bath without question. Instead, *I* got overly worried about Her displeasure with me instead of accepting Her decision and then spending some time thinking through WHY She would have made that decision.

Because as soon as I did think about it - it made perfect sense.

So.. acceptance is a big thing I need to spend a lot of my energy on for a while. Accepting Her decisions, ESPECIALLY when She's making those decisions from a place of displeasure with me. Because those are Her attempts to salvage an unpleasant situation and put an end to any unpleasantness She may be experiencing. If I try to convince Her not to be displeased with me - I only make the situation worse.

I struggle around issues of trust and obedience - as much as I trust Her more than any other in my life, and even though I desire nothing more than to be Her obedient and good little girl - there is a lot of healing work W/we've been doing with me because of things in my past and these issues do arise.

So, accept first. Then think. THEN if there are still unknown, respectfully ask questions later. That is my goal.

Sunday Devotional

This has been a difficult, but productive weekend.

Yesterday was a not so great day. Oh, well, I'm probably sugar-coating there. Yesterday was a crappy day. My mood was intense from morning until bedtime and, in the process, I behaved badly several times throughout the day. Hooray for PMS.

But I also had the opportunity to learn some really valuable things about my Owner's needs and the reasons behind why certain communication errors on my part are so significant to Her. I learned why and how they affect Her the way that they do. So, while it was sucky, something useful came out of it that I am confident will only help me continue to grow.

Today, things went very smoothly. We spent the entire day together doing things. We got up early, attended to some errands and chores, and managed to spend most of the day out and about doing things and then at home doing more things! We're finally getting ready to snuggle up with a movie together, now, and so my devotional is only  happening at this late point in the evening.

I feel closer to Her again today. I think that tends to happen when we make it through a difficult day or an argument and I realize that She is so loving and kind and knows how to use Her authority in healthy ways that help me to grow. Every time that happens - it deepens the trust I have in Her. It also helps me see so clearly just how much she believes in me... something that's easy to lose sight of in the heat of the moment.

Movie time. :)

Sunday Devotional

There was no devotional post last week because both my Owner and I blitzed doing it. I think it happened because we were in such good moods that day and just got off on the right foot so the day just flowed and so the devotional slipped both our minds. I suppose that's not a bad thing, but I do like what the devotionals have been doing for my frame of mind on Sundays.

I woke up a bit grumpy, must have got up on the wrong side of the bed. I think it's mostly because I was having serious adventurey type dreams so I went from that to the alarm going off and having to get up (in spite of several attempts at "snoozing" through the alarm.  I'm still feeling a bit out of sorts, and a bit ungrounded though I'm not exactly sure why.  It might have something to do with a class I have scheduled for today. My last class didn't go very well so I think there might be some underlying nerves about that. Hmm. That makes sense. But, I'm actually looking forward to it for the most part because I'm excited about the subject matter. Just have to remember to have a good lunch before I go this time.


This last week has been, for the most part, pretty good. Had a really nice Friday evening and Saturday with my Owner. Yesterday, we spent most of the day doing some chores together, getting the outside cleaned up and doing some of the first gardening of the season.  I got some great little girl time too because I got so little helping Her in the garden. And, we snuggled up and had a movie night last night, too. It was really good quality time.

Sunday Devotional: An Apology

Dear Syr,

During this, my Sunday Devotional time, You've asked me to complete an assignment. A consequence for my actions yesterday. A 1000 word apology about yesterday's disobedience.

We were having one of those conversations that were going all kinds of sideways. I was too intense. I was upset. I wasn't listening. I was being obstinate and I was being stubborn (though I suppose those are sort of the same thing). Especially in these moments, without a clear directive from You that makes it obvious that You are speaking to me with Your Owner voice and not just being cranky with me - I tend not to 'hear' when You are telling me to do something, not because You'd simply just like me to do it, but because You are commanding me to do it.

I know it doesn't make much sense. But one of the biggest challenges in our 24/7 D/s, M/s, D/g dynamic is the melding of more mundane day to day life things (and lack of privacy) with the realities of a power exchange relationship - and all that entails. So, I sometimes miss the boat in moments like these. It wasn't for lack of You being clear. It was primarily just a cloudiness of my own vision and a bit of emotional cotton stuffed in my ears that caused me to fail to notice, possibly semi intentionally, that You'd just given me a direct order to come upstairs for a fifteen minute time out.

Since You first implemented the time outs and the Sunday Devotionals, things have gone better than ever. We've both noticed the remarkable difference in the way I handle conflict or difficult conversations if there is a forced 'break' when I get too worked up. The quiet time to think and remember I am owned and safe has been incredibly effective. Without fail, every time You've sent me upstairs for a time out, I have gone up the stairs mad as hell, furious, convinced that I am right and that You're just being short-tempered or stubborn. And as soon as I get up here, and I snap Your collar around my neck (which sometimes takes a moment because I won't put it on while I'm thinking negative thoughts about You, so sometimes I need a moment or two before it goes on).... but as soon as I do, it's like the anger just melts away and I'm left with this remarkable thing: rationality. It's bizarre how effective it is. It isn't some dysfunctional thing where I put on Your collar and realize that You must be right at all costs, or that I am somehow reminded that I don't have a right to my own opinion. Quite the opposite.

I put on Your collar and am reminded that I trust You. That I respect You. That You have never steered me in a direction that was not in my best interest. You have always steered me in the direction of healthy behaviors. So, once Your collar is on, and after my own anger or high emotions have seeped away naturally - as they always do - and always quicker than I could have ever imagined was possible... that is when I get wrapped up in this amazing thing: clarity.

Suddenly, I can review my actions, my choice of words and I can look at the situation with some real perspective. I can ask myself the difficult questions like: "Could I have handled that better?" "Did I speak to Her respectfully?" "Did She have a point?" "Is She right?". But there is no mindlessness here. And, there is no blind obedience or doormat submission. No. There is grown-up thought. There is honest and frank self-examination. There is a whole lot of question and answer.

When I'm finished with a time-out. I usually feel calm. I'm breathing. I'm not anxious and I'm not feeling an unhealthy urge to kiss up to you or to placate you. No, what I'm usually feeling is contrition. A sensation of awareness over the ways I behaved badly - not behaved badly just as Your slave, Your submissive, Your little girl - but behaved badly in general as well. And sometimes, when I come downstairs, my opinion of whatever we were discussing has changed. And... sometimes, when I come downstairs, my opinion has not changed. But what has changed is my attitude, my energy, and my level of self-awareness (which is greater).

I know how important and valuable this new tool has been with our communication and with deepening the energy of our dynamic. I know how critical it is that I do not plug my ears and mentally go "lalalalala" (non-literally of course) when You order a time out.

Yesterday, the conversation got intense, and You ordered me up for a 15 minute time out. I didn't go. I stalled and tried to keep You talking because I was in that intense headspace where I was sure if I could just word myself properly and explain how well I understood You that everything would be instantly better (which should really have been my sure sign that I NEEDED a time out). It isn't that I intended to blatantly disobey You. I guess I was hoping You'd change Your mind. But. I did disobey You. You did order the time out. And, through stalling and re-engaging You in conversation, I 'avoided' following that order.

Yes, we worked the conversation out. We got to a healthy place with it. But it took a lot longer than it would have, had I obeyed You. I don't like feeling like I disobeyed a direct order. That's a horrible feeling for me, and I know must have felt beyond frustrating and disappointing for You. I am aware that our dynamic doesn't look like other peoples'. I am aware that sometimes people look at us and don't see an Owner and Her owned. We have playfulness between us. We have mushy, smushy moments. We tease. We play with bratty little girl energy. We have fun. And sometimes that line gets blurry and I miss when it's time to listen, and obey. And that is a problem. Because the goal we both have for this amazing and powerful relationship of power exchange, of dominance and submission, of Daddy and little girl, of Owner and owned.... is that we know where that line is... and when it counts... that You can trust that I will obey. That I will trust. That I will have faith.

I know that when I fail in this, it is incredibly disappointing to You, and I hate that I let You down in this way yesterday.

My beloved Owner, I am so sorry that I disobeyed You yesterday. I will strive to make sure I never do it again.

With all my love, trust, and faith,
Your little girl

Sunday Devotional

I was reminded last night how very lucky I am to have such a loving and trustworthy Owner.

As my Daddy, She is my everything, full of praise but not afraid to discipline me when I need it. She is the one whose approval I need when I accomplish something. She is the One I trust to protect me and keep me safe. She is the holder of my heart.

As my Owner, She is my very breath. She looks after my well-being as a whole, ensuring that I do not run away from things I am afraid of, making me step outside my "little box", my comfort zone, encouraging me and making sure that I do not back down from all the wonderful things that can happen in my future if I let them. She holds me accountable to a high standard of behavior because She knows the person I want to be, and so She helps make me aware when I backslide and She helps push me when I need it so that I can be even better.

My Syr. My Wife, My Best Friend, and My Very Own Butch™... my Beloved.

Yes, I am a very lucky girl indeed.

I timed myself out.

So, my Owner is angry with me right now. And She has a right to be.

She walked away. Is taking a bath. She didn't time me out, but I realized very shortly after I heard Her running the bath, that I clearly needed one. So, I toddled up to the bedroom, away from distractions, to think and write and consider.

I had just a couple days ago posted about being a bad listener and wanting to work on that. Yet, when my Owner tried to tell me that's exactly what I was just doing, I was SURE I wasn't. So sure. Much more sure than I had any right to be given that I am aware that listening is something I need to work very hard at. If my Owner is pointing out that I'm not listening... then I need to trust Her.

And I wasn't.

I assumed I had it all figured out. Once again, I was so sure that She had me all wrong.. that She was so far off. Yet, is She ever?

*sigh*

Not usually.

No, usually She's right on. And, while I don't want to think I was trying to take over the conversation by asking a question to clarify - it may be true that on some level I was trying to "steer" or "control" the conversation which is an unconscious impulse that I am aware I sometimes do. Old programming and past abuse stuff. And who knows me better than anyone? She does.

*hangs head*

So here I sit, ashamed of myself for once again behaving badly because... once again... in the moment I was convinced that I was right.

Lifestyle D/s is more than collars and cuffs. More than rules and consequences. It's more than "yes Syr" and "please may I?" It's trust. It's trust so deep that you go to it before you fall back into old patterns. It's trusting even when everything in you says "noooo you must be wrong!". It's faith.

And I falter in this area, regularly. I trust my beloved Owner more than I've ever trusted any other human being on this earth. More than blood relatives. More than my closest friends - though I trust them a lot. I trust Her with my breath and my body, and even most importantly - with my mental health and my future.

I need to remember this trust when I start to get angsty and irritable. I take on this snotty know-it-all personality in these moments of absent trust and it's not a pretty side of me, folks, let me tell you. Not pretty at all. She called me on it and I shot back with something really unpleasant.

And here I sit, ashamed and bummed out that I let that uglier side of me get the better of me once again.

Trust, faith. By Goddess, She has earned these from me. She has proven that She can be trusted with the most tender and vulnerable sides of me. She has earned my trust and my love through personal hardship and working with me through so many very difficult and challenging things. She has never betrayed my trust in any way, ever.

And yet I betray Hers when I fail to recognize what She knows... and what She sees.

More things for me to think about, I see. And much more for me to work on.

Bad listener

I am starting to realize that, in general, I am a terrible listener. A combination of poor communication skills, short attention span, hyperactivity, and occasional insecurities seems to make me try way too hard to be heard. The unfortunate result of this whole trying too hard thing is that I end up dominating conversations with repetitiveness while managing to feel misunderstood at the same time. This creates a whole lot of unpleasant pitfalls for whomever I am trying too communicate with.

I wish I could push a button and instantly be better at this. I would do well to just talk a bit less. Sounds easy, but it always ends up being so hard.

So after thoroughly frustrating my Owner, and a 15 minute time out where I have to disengage.... NOW I get the point She was originally trying to make.

There is value in learning to shut the fuck up. Gotta work way more on that than I have been.

Sunday Devotional

It's been an interesting week!

For the most part, things have been fairly quiet and calm. I am still blowng off the last vestiges of the ick that got me just before last weekend. I have had a few nights of rough sleep. But most of my days this last week have been really good. When I reviewed my state of mind spreadsheet, it looks like the first half of the day was a bit rougher than the second half and that appears to mostly be because of still feeling physically under the weather.

The second half of the week was AMAZING, at least partly because we had some really ... really.. fantastic sex!  

One night, Syr put me on my knees in front of Her and ordered me to close my eyes. I didn't know what She had planned. I knew She wanted to fuck me, but I didn't know there was anything else in the works. But She really surprised me! When I heard the gloves being pulled on, I knew and I have to admit that my eyes fluttered open, mostly in surprise. Syr found that amusing and I think She enjoyed my nervousness when I saw the box of needles, and alcohol swabs, and the sharps container.

She put a few needles in each breast, not a lot. And then She fucked my mouth with Her cock. I was floaty from the needle-induced endorphins and that was so erotic. The way She tangled Her hands in my hair and held me where She wanted me so She could slide Her cock in and out of my mouth while I gripped Her thighs, digging my nails in. She ordered me up on the bed and left the needles in when She first started to fuck me. They started getting in her way, though, so She took them out after just a few minutes. They were in Her way because She just COVERS me when She fucks me. Her whole body engulfs me. She wraps an arm under my head and presses her body into mine and drives me wild with crushing kisses while She drives into me again and again. So needles in my breasts would have just gotten Her poked! ;)  It was amazing and it had been a while thanks to the stupid medical issue. But it was wonderful to feel so thoroughly taken again!

The very next night, at our usual bedtime, She came up to get into bed but I wanted Her so badly I started begging. She started it, really, because She laid along my back and was grinding Her hips against me, making me relive all those delicious moments from the night before. So I begged... and begged. And She gave in... and I was so grateful!  Believe me!  We had a wonderful and ridiculously intense quickie (not sure sex that good should even qualify as a quickie!) and then She put me to bed.

And it was only two nights later that She teased me in the grocery store about taking me home and putting needles in my back!  Needles in my back is something I've only ever done with Her, and it's very scary for me. It's partly scary because I can't see anything as it's happening, and because I can't distract myself with watching what she's doing or just looking at Her like I can when She puts needles in my breasts. So, my senses are heightened I think and I know I just have to lie there and be still. She put in the most I've ever had at a time - 12.  It may not seem like much to people who do needle play a lot, but for me, that was intense! I'd tended in the past to have usually 4-6 at a time. And with them going in my back it seemed especially intense. Once they were all in, I wanted to float on the sensations for a while, so I asked if She could leave them in for a bit. Since I was up to leaving them for a while longer, She got out some embroidery floss and weaved a pretty design around the needles. It was gorgeous!  She had a nice time. Afterward, there was no sex for me. My Owner was sleepy and it was time for bed.

So three realy intense and wonderful experiences this week have left me pretty little for most of the week and far more aware of my behaviour than otherwise. I'm really grateful to my Owner for giving me so much of Her attention in this way... it's made me feel really wonderful.

Cranky Girl

I'm a cranky girl this morning.

My annoying medical issue is even more annoying lately and to top that off I came down with some kind of cold/flu type thing that has just been kicking my butt for several days, now. I'm not feeling well and my nerves, the physical and the emotional ones, seem extra sensitive.

I do think I'm starting to get better because my head feels a little tiny bit clearer but the clearness seems to be coming and going. I had my appointment this morning and when I got home I came fairly promptly upstairs with my cup of tea and put my Owner's collar on and folded the laundry and picked up a few little things in the bedroom, which did seem to ground me a bit more.  I'm hopeful that I can stay mindful throughout the day and not let my bad mood get in front of me when I speak to Syr. I find I have been getting a bit snippier this week already and I'd hate to see that get out of control. So, I'm going to do what I can to be extra mindful today.

Other than that, I don't really have a lot to report, because the last week seems to have been mostly about just not feeling very well!

What a week!

It's Sunday Devotional time...

Syr and I talked about me using part of this time to review my last week of my "State of Mind" spreadsheet. I don't know that I've talked about that, here, but I will now so that I have some context to explain what I was reviewing.

So, Syr realized that a lot of times I don't seem to be aware of the patterns around my moods - what affects good and bad moods, what affects my headspace and most of all - that even days where we have an argument aren't necessarily horrible days in and of themselves. She came up with the idea - mostly because I have such a linear sort of mind - that I should create a spreadsheet to track each day and the things that affect it. The spreadsheet has been going on since January and my routine generally is that I get up in the morning before Syr and go downstairs, spend some time with our bird and update my spreadsheet for the previous day. This tool is primarily for me, not for Syr - so She just expects me to do it and believes I will start to notice patterns - what things seem to happen on "good days" and "bad days" so that I can see the relation of these things to how I perceive how good or not the day was...

The first couple of months I would rate my work day and my 'at home' time using a "good" "bad" "average" sort of rating. Then I had a bunch of columns of possible things that happen on any given day (good and bad) and would just put a Y for yes that thing happened or a N for no it didn't .... so as you can imagine... the spreadsheet got HUGE. And, because I'm linear, I noticed that I only thought about the stuff in the columns. I didn't spend a lot of time trying to add columns (or remove them) so I got sort of locked in to the options I saw. Also, I noticed that I never really wanted to call a day "bad". I tend to have an optimistic personality so I never used bad and found myself slanting everything slightly positively.

So, I asked Syr if it would be okay if I changed it up a bit, She was completely fine with it - surprisingly what i found I needed was a *less* Linear type spreadsheet. The new one gives me a space to rate (from 1-10) my time at work, my at home time, and my overall day. I find I'm more honest with this numerical system and have logged a day as low as a 4 or 5 whereas I would have called that "average" before. Then... instead of columns with preset 'things' that could have affected my day, I just have a bunch of columns that say "affected my day" and in each I'll type something I THINK may have affected my day for good or bad - anything significant or memorable. I like this new format and feel like it puts me in the position to really think about what contributed to how I saw my day, good or bad.

So now my job on Sunday's is to review the last week of entries... and I highlight the days that seemed particularly good (in green) and then highlighted in green the things I noted that affected my day that i think contributed to it being an especially good day. I also highlighted the days that seem particularly bad (in red) and highlighted in red the things that I think contributed to that day being especially bad.

I found this review process really helpful this morning - and it's the first Sunday morning I've done it. I noticed that the only two days I rated a 5 or lower, I was TOTALLY hormonal, having serious cramps, and just generally cranky - PLUS on one of those days I got some unpleasant medical news (I'm fine but dealing with a medical issue that's been inconvenient and annoying and found out I will be dealing with it for at least the next couple months, probably longer). So of COURSE my mood would be off.

Amazingly though, there were no fights between us to make note of. I found that interesting because I would have noted it if we had had even a minor disagreement where I felt tense - and there were none. This is especially cool because we've both had an unnusually stressful week. I got my medical news AND was pmsing like you know what... and my Owner was dealing with some crazy work drama that had the potential to be VERY stressful.

So, I'm actually feeling pretty proud of myself this morning. I obviously handled my moods appropriately for the most part and didn't take things out on my Owner.... and She obviously also took into account the things affecting us and was probably more patient with me overall as a result. I love seeing all this proof of the healthy ways I've learned to deal with life in general. Feels pretty good.

I have been noticing that I've been really craving some intense D/s time lately, though. Our sex life has been negatively impacted in a big way by my annoying medical issue - but I'm craving that sensation of being little in the slavey way vs. the little girl way. I don't know that I'm craving any specific manifestation of that energy. I would love a good beating, or some intense edgey play but I don't feel fixated on anything specific.

Last night, just before bed, my Owner was standing over me, Her hands on my throat and face, in my hair.... she ran Her fingers along my lips, parting them slightly teasing me but not letting me suck on Her fingers... She covered my mouth and nose and took my breath from me, twice.... and whispered low in my ear that it was bedtime. Perhaps this moment reminded me how much I have been missing moments *like* these ones - and the longer scenes and playtimes together as well.  In that way, the moment was a big tease! But I don't think it was entirely unintentional on my Owner's part to tease me in just that way. She does quite enjoy when I am wanting and aching for Her....

Sunday afternoon - Brief Thoughts

I needed to do my devotional later in the day, today, than usual because my Owner was still in bed until it was time for me to run a necessary errand. So, here I am, early Sunday Afternoon - wearing my Owner's collar and contemplating my place. ;)

I have to admit that while this week has been a whirlwind of a bunch of different things, I have noticed that the effectiveness of the "time outs" are really noticeable. For example, twice yesterday we started to get into some unpleasantness. My emotions were getting out of hand and my tone was off during a disagreement so She sent me up here for 15 minutes on two separate occasions. BOTH times, when I came up to the bedroom, I was furious. BOTH times, I felt calm and settled by the time I returned to Her and we were able to continue our conversations normally.  It is really noticeable what a difference a little bit of quiet time to breathe and calm myself can be. I become so much more rational and reasonable!

It's helpful to know that She has a Toppy tool She can use subtly (when privacy is an issue), to keep things from getting out of hand and to allow space for a reminder for me to be more mindful of my behaviour. I'm really grateful for it.

Sunday morning musings

My Owner and I have been having an interesting week.

A lot of things are starting to come together for us. Among them are a few really exciting opportunities for new hobbies and exciting work things for me that will reduce my daily stress level and leave me more time and energy to pursue my dreams. These things are potentially life altering, life transforming sort of things. I don't want to get into any great detail here but suffice to say that the Universe, as always, is taking care of us.

What's great is the way that working on these various projects and changes is giving me new ways to get outside of the little box (read: my comfort zone) that I am used to hangng out in (and hanging on TO for dear life). I'm experiencing what an exhilerating feeling it can be to venture outside of my usual boundaries and explore what's out there in the big, big world. It's kind of like a really intense roller coaster - both scary and exciting at the same time.

I feel like I am in another big growth spurt. I can envision a variety of possibilities for my future, now - whereas before I was sort of on a very linear and mundane track... trudging along, complacent to live the future I thought was "expected" of me. Expected by whom? I don't know.

Other interesting things from this week...

I got hit by some sudden flashbacky type memories and thoughts and emotions over my ex-Master. He was a significant part of my life for several years and the years were during a pretty formative part of my life. We're Facebook friends (what does that even mean, really?) and I've been noticing that some really wonderful things have been happening in his life. He has what looks to be a very loving and happy marriage with his wife/slave. He has a second slave who he seems to also have a very loving and romantic relationship with who I think now lives in his home. He has a third that I don't think he has officially collared yet and who does not live in his home but appears to be a very significant part of his life.  This sort of poly family embedded with D/s was always something he strived for - a loving family where the members of his household get along well and respect each other. It seems (from the outside anyway) that he has that. He also now owns his own home and it seems pretty nice. It looks like he got everything he always wanted. And I was filled with this huge sensation of happiness for him.

But, at the same time, I was also filled with all these mixed emotions and weird feelings. I would have never been happy in that life. Poly was something that had some wonderful happy times for me, but it was not necessarily a lifestyle I would have chosen. There were things about it I loved - like the sense of family and togetherness and belonging. But, there were things about it that I hated, too - like not being the only slave, the only love.  I knew this about myself on some level even back then - but Poly was something that allowed me to find fulfillment for different parts of myself. I had a primary partner who I was very attached to (in unhealthy ways) but who did not meet all (or even half) of my needs. But I couldn't bring myself to walk away from her. I craved D/s - and my ex-Master met that need in the capacity that He was able. I longed to explore the butch/femme dynamic - and had opportunities to date and explore with people because of the open and honest nature of my relationships. All of these things were lovely in their own way - and without any one of them, I might have felt very out of sorts. So Poly gave me the opportunity to experience these things in an honest way.

But, there was lot of heartbreak as well. I had expectations of my Poly partners that just didn't make sense within the context of polyamorous lifestyles. I wanted to feel unique and special and get my (un)fair share of time and attention from each of them. I found myself locking away my most intimate self from all of them because none of them ever made me feel 100% safe - not because they didn't try - but because I just wasn't going to ever feel safe in a polyamorous lifestyle. It wasn't a good fit for me. I am a monogomous type of girl. And I just wasn't brave enough to say that - and lose these people - each of whom brought something that felt much needed to my life.

So, seeing all this wonderful stuff happening for my ex-Master had me sort of thinking about all that stuff all over again. And with it came this sudden onslaught of guilt... like I had somehow used these people back then to fill my needs without any thought to theirs.

Syr got kinda mad at me about that.... or maybe, more accurately, frustrated. I've grown so much and yet one little line of thought can make me undermine myself and all of that growth. And, as She reminded me...  they were all using me too in the same way. It doesn't make any of those involved bad people and doesn't speak to their worth as human beings- or mine. The reality is that I must have filled some need for them in the same way they filled a need for me if they chose to stay involved with me despite my confusion and 'neediness' at the time.  And, as She also pointed out, they each had their own dysfunctions or unhealthy tendencies too. It's not like anything bad that happens in past relationships is automatically all my fault.

I explained to Her that sometimes, when I look back at the girl I used to be... before (as we like to joke about) Syr installed my backbone... I feel this sense of disdain and frustration and, yes, guilt.  It's that sensation of "if I only knew now what I knew then.." 

And when it comes to my ex-Master, I think - if I only knew now, what I knew then.... I would have probably been His friend, and we probably would have enjoyed some fun S/M scenes together (as friends), and I would have respected Him as a Top and Dominant and called Him Sir and enjoyed being around His energy, but when it came to becoming a member of His household or taking His collar, I would have said no. I would have said no because I do not have the personality to be happy in Poly. I would have said no because ultimately, I am not attracted to men - and my attraction to him had to do with his Dominance and not always him as a person. I would have said no because I deserved to find someone who could be my friend, my Dominant, my Lover, my Partner, and fill all my needs - not just one little part of me. And maybe, if I had known all these things and said no - both of us would have had a little less hurt in our lives.

BUT - as I like to remind myself regularly, without the hurts and the disappointments, and the let-downs, and the heartbreaks - where would the growth come from? I learned a great deal about what I actually want and need in a partner and in a Dominant from what I wasn't getting from my ex-girlfriend, my ex-Master, and former more casual relationships. I learned that I could be a submissive and still be myself - be true to myself - and have that be enough - that I didn't need to remake my personality to be pleasing to my Dominant.

My Owner taught me so much of this by helping me tiptoe carefully through my memories to see what could be learned. She taught me that it's okay to want or need things that your partner can't give you and that sometimes that just means that you're not with the right partner. She taught me about taking ownership of my feelings and behaviours and She taught me how to communicate my needs. She reassured me that communicating in a respectful way and asking for more of things I feel I need or less of things I feel aren't working isn't "topping from the bottom"  - it's helping Her by giving Her the information She needs.

I've come a very long way. I am so much different than who I was back then. And maybe that's hard to reconcile in my head sometimes, but that doesn't mean that it wasn't all part of the same long, beautiful journey. I wish my ex-Master nothing but joy and happiness. And I don't regret a moment of my past (or His) that helped bring us each to finding exactly what we always dreamed of.

Sunday Mornings

My Owner and I have discovered that Sundays tend to be very difficult days for me, mood-wise. It's been a challenge over the last few years to find a way to combat this unhealthy pattern I have of being combative and intense on Sundays. There's a lot of abuse in my past and we think we know why I have dreaded Sundays and seem to be in a bad mood that day of the week - but it still needs to be addressed, no matter the reason for the mood.

For a while, Syr had me doing Sunday Adventures. Sunday Adventures were basically intended to be an activity that I would choose with a $20 budget where Syr and I could go do something fun. The idea was to insert something positive to look forward to about Sundays. It worked!  Well, it worked for a long time. But after a while, as Sunday Adventures became an expectation (as they were intended), a different sort of energy started to surround them.

Instead of looking forward to Sunday Adventures, I began focusing my energy on making sure they happened - no matter what. My energy shifted from feeling grateful for them, to feeling entitled to them.... and that wasn't very healthy. I started to get cranky and intense on Sundays again, but now it was that I would get cranky if I thought anything might interfere with my Sunday Adventure. So, Sunday Adventures had to be scrapped.

But the intensity and moodiness of Sundays still needed to be dealt with. So I did some brainstorming and presented a few ideas to my Owner. What we settled on trying was a Sunday morning 'devotional' time. The intent is that I spend 30 minutes upstairs in the bedroom with my Owner's collar on, writing a post to the blog and thinking about our D/s and my role as Her beloved slave. I got pretty enthused about the idea because it is neither reward nor punishment AND inserts an element of 'ritual' into our week - and I always thrive with rituals. And, I figured... starting off the day with a dose of D/s to get my head into a much more respectful and little place would surely help!

And, now Syr has another tool to use if my mood gets off at any other point in the week. Now She can tell me to go do 15 or 30 minutes or whatever upstairs and I know that what She means is to go upstairs, put on Her collar and THINK about my role as Her slave. She can do this even if we're in the middle of an argument.... and she did it once last week - and it worked. I came upstairs and during the 30 minutes I spent thinking of my role as Her slave, I really did settle down.

So, this is my first Sunday devotional time and it feels really nice. It's quiet time for me, quiet time for Her, and I feel little and contained and cared for. I'd say that's a pretty nice way to start off our Sunday. :)

Assignment: About saying "Syr"

My Owner gave me an assignment to write about my bashfulness around calling Her Syr.

To explain...
My Owner and I began our relationship in an environment that allowed for complete privacy. We didn't have to worry about prying eyes or little ears. We had few interruptions. This environment enabled us to have some very simple, basic D/s protocols in place all the time.

For example, I almost always referred to Her as "Syr" when addressing Her.

But, as our relationship developed into one with interruptions, a heck of a lot less privacy, and more mundane concerns - I got pretty shy about it. It's not really a struggle from a respect standpoint. It's like a shyness thing, partially bred of having to be so careful so much of the time. Especially for a while when She was concerned about little ears getting the wrong idea.

I think part of what I struggle with, these days is making the shift from a vanilla form of communication (neccessary for a lot of our day due to privacy issues) to a D/s form of communication without a sudden and jarring drop to facilitate it. If my Owner drops me in the usual ways, then it's not so hard at all. But if I'm having trouble making the transition, I get super shy about saying "Syr".

For years before my Owner... I would get a thrill... a big one about of being ordered or made to address a Dominant properly. I suppose that still has its impact and maybe sometimes I stall (out of habit) for that reason. But I do really think that most of the time it is a headspace transition issue. I seem to have the hardest time when I have been in vanilla or little girl space and am suddenly finding that my Owner wants me in submissive space.

There's a lot of factors, for sure, and I think there is definitely some pro-activity lacking on my part. I don't initiate the shift to D/s space. I think that's got its origin in the same place as the part of me that needs to not initiate or be in control when it comes to sexual play. I just need to know someone else is in charge in those moments.

It's something to think about, for sure. And I'll be doing some more thinking about it.