What a week!

It's Sunday Devotional time...

Syr and I talked about me using part of this time to review my last week of my "State of Mind" spreadsheet. I don't know that I've talked about that, here, but I will now so that I have some context to explain what I was reviewing.

So, Syr realized that a lot of times I don't seem to be aware of the patterns around my moods - what affects good and bad moods, what affects my headspace and most of all - that even days where we have an argument aren't necessarily horrible days in and of themselves. She came up with the idea - mostly because I have such a linear sort of mind - that I should create a spreadsheet to track each day and the things that affect it. The spreadsheet has been going on since January and my routine generally is that I get up in the morning before Syr and go downstairs, spend some time with our bird and update my spreadsheet for the previous day. This tool is primarily for me, not for Syr - so She just expects me to do it and believes I will start to notice patterns - what things seem to happen on "good days" and "bad days" so that I can see the relation of these things to how I perceive how good or not the day was...

The first couple of months I would rate my work day and my 'at home' time using a "good" "bad" "average" sort of rating. Then I had a bunch of columns of possible things that happen on any given day (good and bad) and would just put a Y for yes that thing happened or a N for no it didn't .... so as you can imagine... the spreadsheet got HUGE. And, because I'm linear, I noticed that I only thought about the stuff in the columns. I didn't spend a lot of time trying to add columns (or remove them) so I got sort of locked in to the options I saw. Also, I noticed that I never really wanted to call a day "bad". I tend to have an optimistic personality so I never used bad and found myself slanting everything slightly positively.

So, I asked Syr if it would be okay if I changed it up a bit, She was completely fine with it - surprisingly what i found I needed was a *less* Linear type spreadsheet. The new one gives me a space to rate (from 1-10) my time at work, my at home time, and my overall day. I find I'm more honest with this numerical system and have logged a day as low as a 4 or 5 whereas I would have called that "average" before. Then... instead of columns with preset 'things' that could have affected my day, I just have a bunch of columns that say "affected my day" and in each I'll type something I THINK may have affected my day for good or bad - anything significant or memorable. I like this new format and feel like it puts me in the position to really think about what contributed to how I saw my day, good or bad.

So now my job on Sunday's is to review the last week of entries... and I highlight the days that seemed particularly good (in green) and then highlighted in green the things I noted that affected my day that i think contributed to it being an especially good day. I also highlighted the days that seem particularly bad (in red) and highlighted in red the things that I think contributed to that day being especially bad.

I found this review process really helpful this morning - and it's the first Sunday morning I've done it. I noticed that the only two days I rated a 5 or lower, I was TOTALLY hormonal, having serious cramps, and just generally cranky - PLUS on one of those days I got some unpleasant medical news (I'm fine but dealing with a medical issue that's been inconvenient and annoying and found out I will be dealing with it for at least the next couple months, probably longer). So of COURSE my mood would be off.

Amazingly though, there were no fights between us to make note of. I found that interesting because I would have noted it if we had had even a minor disagreement where I felt tense - and there were none. This is especially cool because we've both had an unnusually stressful week. I got my medical news AND was pmsing like you know what... and my Owner was dealing with some crazy work drama that had the potential to be VERY stressful.

So, I'm actually feeling pretty proud of myself this morning. I obviously handled my moods appropriately for the most part and didn't take things out on my Owner.... and She obviously also took into account the things affecting us and was probably more patient with me overall as a result. I love seeing all this proof of the healthy ways I've learned to deal with life in general. Feels pretty good.

I have been noticing that I've been really craving some intense D/s time lately, though. Our sex life has been negatively impacted in a big way by my annoying medical issue - but I'm craving that sensation of being little in the slavey way vs. the little girl way. I don't know that I'm craving any specific manifestation of that energy. I would love a good beating, or some intense edgey play but I don't feel fixated on anything specific.

Last night, just before bed, my Owner was standing over me, Her hands on my throat and face, in my hair.... she ran Her fingers along my lips, parting them slightly teasing me but not letting me suck on Her fingers... She covered my mouth and nose and took my breath from me, twice.... and whispered low in my ear that it was bedtime. Perhaps this moment reminded me how much I have been missing moments *like* these ones - and the longer scenes and playtimes together as well.  In that way, the moment was a big tease! But I don't think it was entirely unintentional on my Owner's part to tease me in just that way. She does quite enjoy when I am wanting and aching for Her....