Money

I've always found it a wonderful form of "service" to manage Syr and my joint finances. By manage, I mean - painstakingly budget and track every expenditure, plan for debt repayment and ensure everything is always meticulously accurate.

It came naturally to me. I've always been the one to manage the money. In my prior relationship, I was the sole breadwinner for two adults. We didn't have a lot of money and we had some crazy medical expenses as my ex had type I diabetes (and no health insurance). It was stressful, but I did it well. It also always made me feel I had some semblance of control.

Syr and I were having a difficult conversation this weekend about my tendencies toward trying to control/micromanage little things. She has often complimented this about me because it has often really worked in our favour. I tend to take a project and run with it. This came in handy when we were going through the wedding planning and immigration process. But, while I am efficient and effective, I also don't have much experience trusting someone else to do their part. The wedding is a perfect example. Syr would offer to help, so I would give Her some small task to help us get ready - but I would often get to it before She had a chance - and by often, I mean most of the time.

I feel "helpful" when I do this. But, upon introspection, I also realized there was a core trust issue. I've never handed things over well. I like doing a job and doin git well but I must admit that I also like doing it MY way. And when I have enough (too much?) say-so in a project or task, I tend to micromanage or resent others trying to "help". I guess I'm not very good at sharing responsibility. I have this tendency to behave (and, if I'm being honest - to think) in a "if you do it, you won't do it right" sort of way.

Syr's always been content to let me handle the money since the bills are always paid on time and it's something that we both thought made me feel useful and something I thought was a good "service".

But what I realized is that I don't have much (any?) experience trusting that important things will get done if I'm not somehow either doing it myself or 'managing' the process. This leads to unhealthy controlling tendencies that don't make me feel very good. It makes me feel stressed and unsure and ungrounded and very much not contained.

I have always been terrified... like actually terrified... that one day Syr may decide that it's in my best interest for Her to handle the money for a while... to manage it... do the budget... pay the bills. She's threatened once or twice when I've behaved in too controlling of a way over the money.

But, this weekend when we were talking about one of the areas where my impulse to control rears its ugly head, I realized that I needed to give it up. I HATED the idea, like actually hated it. But I brought it up anyway. I told Her that I thought I should give up control of the money. I told Her why. I told Her that I feel like I haven't ever put myself in a position to trust anyone (even Her) with a big "job" that I am used to handling myself. I've never not been in charge of the money. Not ever. But I realized that this was not a good thing. I've never really let go of that 'need' to be in control and, let's face it, money is an area that has a lot of power in a relationship and/or family. It felt like the appropriate and healthy next step.

I can't tell you all how twitchy I got handing over the list of bills, amounts, and due dates, current balances and all of that. I KNOW she's not going to manage it the way I did. She's not going to budget like I did. She's not going to keep spreadsheets or apps or charts like I did. But there were some fundamental things I realized made sense. First, She and I have similar views on money and spending. It's not like She is careless with money or I am, or that either of us have expensive tastes. We both love a good bargain. I don't have to worry about that sort of stuff. But, She is better at saying no to me if there is something we want to do but can't afford - for obvious reasons. She is also excellent at working with a tight amount of money. She has more experience at that than I do and I thought I had a lot of experience. ;)  So I know that financially, we'll be fine - maybe even better - than we were when I was managing it.

But, more than that, it also feels like a huge and important trust move.  It feels like a huge and important personal growth move and one that may mellow me out in other areas. I don't LIKE being in control. I don't like the stress of it. I like to feel like I can take care of myself and that skill is not going to go away just because I'm not keeping spreadsheets of data and micromanaging every dollar. But honestly, I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to deal. To cope. And I needed to find that out. Is this a need/compulsion thing or is it just that I've never tried it any other way? I can be oh-so-resistant to change, don't ya know?

So, Syr is now in charge of the money. I was really nervous for the first 24 hours. I have no idea how She's going to do it. But, today, we went grocery shopping. And I can't tell you how relaxing it was... to not be in charge. To know that the financial decisions over how much we spent or how long stuff needed to last were all Hers and not mine.

This remarkable thing happened. I didn't feel the need to micromanage Her. I think I asked a few times if it was going to be okay (the amount we were spending) but I didn't actually feel the need to somehow steer Her (or the cart). I relaxed. I felt safe. I felt cared for. I felt nurtured. I felt... so relaxed. I breathed a couple really big deep breaths that were like happy sighs in the store. It actually felt like a big weight was off my shoulders.

I felt... little. :) I felt... fantastic!   It was like, I could just be me in the store, and I was all little girl and She was all Daddy and it felt so right. I just loved it. And loving it was a FAR cry from what I expected.  I'd expected to feel nervous... scared.... uptight... anxious. But no, what I felt was...

safe.

Amazing.