Growth In Service: Identifying when an 'issue' must be addressed right then.

I thought I'd start at the beginning. Maybe in the future, I'll pick from different sections. But this seems as good as any other...

Conflict: Identifying when an 'issue' must be addressed right then.

Whoo boy!! This is a biggie, eh?

Bringing an "issue" to Syr's attention. Right away. Versus ... well.. anything BUT right away. This is something i'm not sure I've made any progress on - or even an issue that's been on my radar for a long time, but it IS relevant to some recent not-so-hot moments I've had recently.

Something happens that ... annoys me or feels somehow unfair... and I have the very bad habit of wanting to mention it RIGHT THAT SECOND, sometimes (often?) bringing an entire conversation to a screeching halt to do it.

Which - hardly screams "respect".

Ages ago, years maybe, Syr pointed out that not every issue or perceived slight needs to be addressed right that moment - but that doesn't mean it need NEVER be addressed. It just means sometimes it's about timing, and also about taking that step back to figure out what is important and what isn't - what things are urgent enough to be addressed on the spot and which things could be reserved for another time.... or which things maybe don't need to be addressed at all.

I tend to react in the moment without taking time to think. This is definitely something that I find to RARELY be helpful or productive.

I really want to get better at this... at taking that step back. This is an area where I feel like I have a TON of room to grow.



GROWTH IN SERVICE:
Conflict Checklist
Identifying when an 'issue' must be addressed right then.
 Allowing for normal human emotion
 Grumpy vs. angry, indirect vs. passive aggressive
 Aim for at least a 60/40 split with Listening vs. Talking
 How “mentally preparing” for next point interferes with listening
 Explaining reasoning does not negate/erase feelings
 Ask, don’t tell Owner what Her feelings are
 Waiting for the answer after asking a question
 Not defending/countering
 Accepting the answer given as the only sane choice
 How not doing these things invalidates Owner’s feelings/emotions
 The Reminder: “Who Owns Who?”
 The purpose of the reminder, why was it necessary?
 Understanding the risk Owner is taking in doing the reminding
 Taking a moment to be grateful
 Pause and reflect on behaviour – in line with protocol?
 “Stop” – Respecting Owner’s boundaries/need for space
 Hearing & respecting the first time (always an order)
 Ego Removal
 Thinking / Understanding
 Trust
 Seeking reassurance – appropriate time and place
 Resolving conflict productively
 Assigning blame - why?
 “I’m sorry” versus processing / expressing remorse
 Trusting Owner to apply correction when required
 Post-conflict self-abuse (mental/verbal/physical) = lack of trust
 Wallowing/Dwelling

Service and Mindfulness
 Can one exist without the other?
 Ways to cultivate mindfulness
 Identify your intentions
 Continual removal of conflicting thoughts
 Service to Owner as service to self

Orders
 What qualifies as an order
 Who judges whether a request is important?
 Bargaining
 Recognition/Reward – want vs. need
 The positive effects of obedience

Being aware of Owner’s needs & desires
 Offering vs. Being asked
 Identifying, Understanding, & Banishing fear with trust
 Practice, Practice, Practice
 Avoidance & Anxiety
 Identify the block / inner objection
 Processing anxiety 
 What’s driving it
 Trusting
 Working within self-expectations
 Desired level of service vs Minimum level (keeping it realistic)
 Trusting Owner to decide what is/is not an acceptable level of service
 Identify the pleasure - Service to Owner as service to self

Eye contact
 Keeping focus when receiving direction
 Maintaining focus when responding
 Looking at vs. looking through

Corrections
 Hearing the correction
 Understanding the correction
 Ego removal
 Responding and offering gratitude for the Correction

Expressing Gratitude
 What the hell for?
 Understanding the service your Top provides
 You probably need it – even if you disagree.

Spiritual self-work
 Neuro-Elasticity vs. Samskaras
 The joy of sticking with it
 
Processing “negative” emotions
 Identifying uncomfortable emotions
 Examining the root – why is it so uncomfortable?
 What is the fear - what’s the worst that could happen?
 What to do with these emotions
 Is it necessary to express verbally?
 Productive ways to do so
 Identifying coping mechanisms / Ways to process productively

The discipline of focus
 Visualize goal
 Removing distraction
 Motivating self through reflecting on success

Learning to follow
 Being patient
 Micro-management
 Identifying what the fear is
 Remembering to trust
 Being flexible and open minded as service
 Being comfortable without a plan / Spontaneity
 Creating false objections to stay in ‘safe zone’
 Letting go and letting Owner be in charge
 Indecision
 Identifying when struggle for control is the root
 Asking for help when needed
 Respect

Identifying Milestones
 Identifying smaller achievements
 Remembering smaller achievements
 Rewarding smaller achievements (bidirectionally)

Protocol
 All Settings
 Mindfulness of Tone / Voice
 LISTENING: Learning to unfilter verbal information
 Identifying the filter
 Acknowledging the obstacle
 Listening to precise language
 SPEAKING: Learning to unfilter verbal information
 Identifying the filter / desire to spin
 Acknowledging the obstacle
 Speaking precisely
 Remaining open to response
 Integrating mindfulness
 Answering Questions
 Giving a straightforward answer
 Avoidance and defensiveness
 Answering a question with a question
 Interactions with others
 Vanilla settings
 Addressing Owner
 Tone used with terms of endearment, use of first name
 Walking / Travelling
 Food & Beverage
 Dining out
 Family Leisure time
 Public – kinky/private settings
 Addressing Owner – Syr, Daddy, my Owner
 Expectation removal
 Verbalizing desires
 Desire vs Need
 Accepting answers/responses – with trust
 Food & Beverage Service
 Playtime
 Providing sensual service
 Verbalizing headspace/mood
 Removal of intensity / impulse to drive a scenario
 Providing feedback
 How expectation removal allows for full immersion in scene
 Aftercare

Revisiting Growth in Service exercise from years ago...

So, as you may or may not have heard, Blogger has updated their content policy to disallow any "adult" images.  In order to play it safe, I decided to go through this blog and make sure I removed any risque images. I'm mostly about the actual writing here, so that wasn't that big of a deal.

In the process, I stumbled on an old post - an exercise with a list of writing topics designed to grow in  service. I didn't re-read the entire post but if I remember correctly, initially this idea came about through some online acquaintances - another D/s lifestyle couple. And then I tweaked the list of topics to be more relevant to me and Syr. I don't think it really went anywhere. I suspect I wrote on a few topics and then dropped the ball (oh, how very typical human of me.)

I've had some trouble being consistent with writing, lately, so I thought this might be an exercise that would help keep me on track = or give me more topics to write about on days my writing feels "stuck".  I think I did write on some of these topics already - but it would have been years ago. And it  might also be interested to note which of the conflict things I've made progress on and which still need to be front of mind, and the like. Some of these topics may turn out to be irrelevant now, but I won't pre-decide until I get to that topic. So here, again, is the original list. I think what I'll do is post the list at the bottom of each post where I address these topics but cross out ones I've written about and add a link to that entry. Maybe. ;) We'll see.

Conflict
 Checklist
  Identifying when an 'issue' must be addressed right then.
 Allowing for normal human emotion
  Grumpy vs. angry, indirect vs. passive aggressive
 Aim for at least a 60/40 split with Listening vs. Talking
 How “mentally preparing” for next point interferes with listening
 Explaining reasoning does not negate/erase feelings
 Ask, don’t tell Owner what Her feelings are
 Waiting for the answer after asking a question
  Not defending/countering
  Accepting the answer given as the only sane choice
 How not doing these things invalidates Owner’s feelings/emotions
 The Reminder: “Who Owns Who?”
  The purpose of the reminder, why was it necessary?
  Understanding the risk Owner is taking in doing the reminding
  Taking a moment to be grateful
  Pause and reflect on behaviour – in line with protocol?
  “Stop” – Respecting Owner’s boundaries/need for space
  Hearing & respecting the first time (always an order)
  Ego Removal
  Thinking / Understanding
  Trust
 Seeking reassurance – appropriate time and place
 Resolving conflict productively
  Assigning blame - why?
  “I’m sorry” versus processing / expressing remorse
  Trusting Owner to apply correction when required
  Post-conflict self-abuse (mental/verbal/physical) = lack of trust
   Wallowing/Dwelling

Service and Mindfulness
 Can one exist without the other?
 Ways to cultivate mindfulness
 Identify your intentions
 Continual removal of conflicting thoughts
 Service to Owner as service to self

Orders
 What qualifies as an order
 Who judges whether a request is important?
 Bargaining
 Recognition/Reward – want vs. need
 The positive effects of obedience

Being aware of Owner’s needs & desires
 Offering vs. Being asked
  Identifying, Understanding, & Banishing fear with trust
  Practice, Practice, Practice
 Avoidance & Anxiety
  Identify the block / inner objection
  Processing anxiety
  What’s driving it
  Trusting
 Working within self-expectations
  Desired level of service vs Minimum level (keeping it realistic)
  Trusting Owner to decide what is/is not an acceptable level of service
  Identify the pleasure - Service to Owner as service to self

Eye contact
 Keeping focus when receiving direction
 Maintaining focus when responding
 Looking at vs. looking through

Corrections
 Hearing the correction
 Understanding the correction
 Ego removal
 Responding and offering gratitude for the Correction

Expressing Gratitude
 What the hell for?
 Understanding the service your Top provides
 You probably need it – even if you disagree.

Spiritual self-work
 Neuro-Elasticity vs. Samskaras
 The joy of sticking with it

Processing “negative” emotions
 Identifying uncomfortable emotions
 Examining the root – why is it so uncomfortable?
 What is the fear - what’s the worst that could happen?
 What to do with these emotions
 Is it necessary to express verbally?
 Productive ways to do so
 Identifying coping mechanisms / Ways to process productively

The discipline of focus
 Visualize goal
 Removing distraction
 Motivating self through reflecting on success

Learning to follow
 Being patient
 Micro-management
 Identifying what the fear is
 Remembering to trust
 Being flexible and open minded as service
 Being comfortable without a plan / Spontaneity
 Creating false objections to stay in ‘safe zone’
 Letting go and letting Owner be in charge
 Indecision
  Identifying when struggle for control is the root
 Asking for help when needed
 Respect

Identifying Milestones
 Identifying smaller achievements
 Remembering smaller achievements
 Rewarding smaller achievements (bidirectionally)

Protocol
 All Settings
  Mindfulness of Tone / Voice
  LISTENING: Learning to unfilter verbal information
   Identifying the filter
   Acknowledging the obstacle
   Listening to precise language
  SPEAKING: Learning to unfilter verbal information
   Identifying the filter / desire to spin
   Acknowledging the obstacle
   Speaking precisely
   Remaining open to response
   Integrating mindfulness
  Answering Questions
   Giving a straightforward answer
   Avoidance and defensiveness
   Answering a question with a question
  Interactions with others
 Vanilla settings
  Addressing Owner
   Tone used with terms of endearment, use of first name
  Walking / Travelling
  Food & Beverage
  Dining out
  Family Leisure time
 Public – kinky/private settings
  Addressing Owner – Syr, Daddy, my Owner
  Expectation removal
  Verbalizing desires
  Desire vs Need
  Accepting answers/responses – with trust
  Food & Beverage Service
  Playtime
  Providing sensual service
  Verbalizing headspace/mood
   Removal of intensity / impulse to drive a scenario
  Providing feedback
  How expectation removal allows for full immersion in scene
  Aftercare

Accountability

Recently, I had a bit of a wake up call. A lesson about accountability.

Syr had established certain protocols around business. Things I was expected to do. And for the most part, I thought I was doing them.

But in reality, I wasn't. I was giving them a "nod". But I wasn't really integrating them or taking them truly to heart.

So we had a big talk that had a big impact on me, and I made some changes - suggested by me. Changes that would implement some direct accountability - self-reported by me.

And, already, I can feel a huge shift in the energy around these tasks. More accountability has turned out to be an enormously helpful thing - for both of us.

So, today, I'm basking in productivity, knowing that I accomplished far more because I am being accountable.

Sometimes service is more than kneeling and chores. Sometimes it's also about following through - and doing what I say I'm going to do.

Simple service

Sometimes, simple service looks like....

Making sure a nice dinner makes its way to the table...

And that you spoil Daddy with a DECADENT chocolate cake.

;)

Foreplay

Yesterday, when I got home for a bit of down time before having to go out again, things started to get heated between us - in the sexy way, that is.

And something about the way She was touching me. Stroking my face, kissing my neck, biting my neck. It felt... strong. She doesn't touch me in this hesitant way - as if I am delicate. But She can touch me gently, so gently. Her touch ... was all I was craving. 

And then one of us realized. We were doing that whole "foreplay" thing.... something that we often can't be bothered with, not necessarily out of laziness because hard and fast and intense and powerful and strong just seems to be our way - the thing that gets me really going. 

But not this time. This time I was melting into every kiss and every touch. Which is not to say that what was to follow was going to be all softness and romance and gentleness. Because what fun would that be? ;)

As things heated up, Syr made a playful comment about how nice it would be to have my hands tied overhead. We have an awesome bed setup, but one thing it does not have is anything even remotely like a tie down point. Not even a bed frame. It's a high, foamy mattress but no bedframe, no headboard... nothing. So I teased back that we were hardly set up with furniture that would allow Her to do that. She smirked. I had to go deal with the dogs briefly and when I came back...

She was playing with rope.

In less than 5 minutes, She had a system rigged up and me on the bed, cuffed and tied spread-eagle!

What followed was.... mind-blowing, to say the least. 

She teased me with feathers. She touched me. She fucked me. And then She rigged the Hitachi Magic Wand up, propping it against my clit.... and I came again and again and again and again - all while bound.

When She FINALLY turned the wand off and pulled me in close to hold me, I remember not being able to move my hands. Like at all! She'd turned me totally limp-wristed!! I was out of it. I couldn't move. I felt.... done. And in all the good ways I wanted to be done.

We had a little bit of time to snuggle and then it was time to get up, get bathed and dressed and ready for somewhere I had to be.

I think I'm STILL floating, today. 

And to think... it began with good ol' fashioned super-sexy foreplay... 

What gratitude looks like

Today, I was talking to a friend - and during that conversation was reminded of a couple extremely pivotal times in my relationship and marriage with my Owner.

Twice, since becoming Hers, I have lost the right to wear Her collar. Two times. And we came very, very, very close to a third - that third - had it occurred, would have been permanent, I am pretty sure.

It's hard for me to think of these times. Syr never holds them over my head in any way. Rather, one time, not long ago, She mentioned that almost third time in passing... and just hearing it mentioned felt like a knife twisting in my stomach.

But the reality is that, in an odd way, I am thankful for that momentary pain. I wasn't in the moment. But I am now.

These reminders of how easy it is to get careless, to lose something so dear and precious to me, help keep me grounded in the gratitude of the present.

Syr has this little game She likes to play. Usually when I am being (playfully) grumpy about something. Or when She asks me to do something that in that moment is particularly unpleasant - and always in a teasing way. She'll prompt me... "Thank you for the opportunity to serve you, Syr."  And I'll brat and avoid and eventually begrudgingly say it - and this little game is all in fun and, not to worry, no genuine displeasure on either of our parts takes place.

But I was thinking about that, today. And about the times I've lost that opportunity.

I have had to work very, very hard to get to this place. And by this place, I mean a place where, most days I genuinely feel I deserve to be my Owner's slave. That I've truly earned this. I revel in small opportunities to serve. I like keeping Her home in good order. I like preparing meals. I like finding little ways to make things extra special. But that good feeling I get from service, wouldn't be there... at least not to the same degree... if I hadn't worked hard to get here. I truly believe that.

I think that in order to truly appreciate what you have, sometimes you have to lose (or almost lose) it.

Gratitude isn't just about appreciating. It's also about honouring how you got there.

So yes. I am immensely grateful for the opportunity to serve.

Lazy Service

So apparently the holidays breed laziness. My service and protocols have absolutely slipped over the last couple of weeks. Writing? Bad. Protocols? Spotty. Chores? Inconsistent. Service mindset? MIA.

A new year and a new opportunity to refocus on my schedules and rituals.

Today that means catching up on laundry, the vacuuming, and steam mopping the floors. It also means (as you is clearly obvious) - writing.

I don't feel ashamed of myself - because beating myself up about stuff like this usually leads to overcompensating which leads to intensity which leads to making Syr unhappy/cranky/frustrated. Rather, I think I am just feeling "noticing". I'm noticing that some things have slipped. I think that's good. And mature. And healthy.

SO, in that way - we're all good. And on that note, I better get to work. <3

Cold fridge attitude adjustment

I greeted Syr today...

Kneeling.

Topless.

Holding one of the collars I can wear in the privacy of our home.

Syr seemed to like that.

Later, as I helped Her put away groceries and prep for dinner, She decided She wanted to press my back against the stainless steel of the fridge.

Being that I've been practicing Yoga for almost 15+ years, I'm pretty flexible so my butt was against the fridge but I was backbending like crazy to keep the majority of my back against the fridge...

Then I started to feel a little smug about said flexibility.

So She looked me in the eye and made it clear that bratty time was over. So I let my back get pressed against the fridge, squealing from the cold while Syr pinned my wrists over my head.

Then She chuckled....

And turned me around and pressed my WHOLE FRONT against the fridge. Which, She explained, was because I'd tried to avoid getting my back pressed against it. After a few very contrite apologies, She let me back away from the cold metal.

Lesson learned.

Submissive Advent - Day 1

I signed up to receive the daily advent emails from Luna at Submissive Guide this year. I thought it would be fun to see what kind of prompts/activities come up since I am focusing on my submission as it is.

Today's activity is to extract two lines from Shakespeare's Sonnet 57 that speak to me and reflect upon them throughout the month as mantra.

Being your slave what should I do but tend

Upon the hours, and times of your desire?

I have no precious time at all to spend;

Nor services to do, till you require.

Nor dare I chide the world without end hour,

Whilst I, my sovereign, watch the clock for you,

Nor think the bitterness of absence sour,

When you have bid your servant once adieu;

Nor dare I question with my jealous thought

Where you may be, or your affairs suppose,

But, like a sad slave, stay and think of nought

Save, where you are, how happy you make those.

So true a fool is love, that in your will,

Though you do anything, he thinks no ill.

I will be honest and say that while the sonnet as a whole spoke to me sweetly, However, when trying to decide which lines to extract that felt personally meaningful to me, I had a hard time. So I'm going to extract two parts and write about what they make me think/feel. I'll reflect upon them a bit throughout the month but they're not quite right for me to use as mantra.

I decided on this part:
Being your slave what should I do but tend
Upon the hours, and times of your desire? 

This speaks to the idea that I was discussing with Syr not that long ago that I'd stumbled upon through someone else's writing - that one shouldn't spend more than $20 or 20 minutes on an activity intended to be of service without first finding out if that activity is truly making one's Owner's life better (IE is something that Owner wants). Good point. Sometimes I have wasted hours agonizing over things that I want to do to make Syr's life better that Syr could care less about - which ultimately means that time is wasted (from a service perspective). So I'm trying to pay attention - to what She actually wants/needs or check in if I'm not sure.

And this one:
I have no precious time at all to spend;
Nor services to do, till you require.

I think this speaks to priorities. If I am engrossed in something that I'm doing and Syr asks something of me - to make Her a tea or take the dogs out or whatever. She is not interrupting me. Rather, any other activity I'm doing is simply intended to fill space between when I am needed. That's what this line makes me think of. But not in a bad totally focused on Her to unhealthy (for me) levels - in a, "hey, remember your place when your Owner requires your services or attentions" kind of way. Sometimes I'll feel momentarily disgruntled if I'm interrupted or if something doesn't go according to the "plan" in my mind. If I remember that 1st priority is service (in the day to day activities category) and 2nd category is random internet or video games or tv or reading or whatever - then I get better as a slave.

Thinking....

Thinking of service these last few days - hard. Loving the hell out of making Syr's life easier. Loving the HELL out of making sure Her home is being run smoothly so She can enjoy the time She's at home more, and we can both feel more relaxed - me more grounded in my slavery and Her more able to spend what energy She does have on pleasurable things. Feeling very satisfied mentally/emotionally with our D/s these days because of how smoothly and naturally things seem to be going. Loving it.

Today...

Today...

I woke up

Took the dogs for their morning walk.

Made the bed

Straightened up the house.

Baked a loaf of bread

Set the crockpot and rice cooker to ensure dinner would be ready when work was finished this evening

Took the dogs for a long afternoon walk

Researched servicey things for my Owner

Gave my Owner a kiss when she unexpectedly popped in to pick something up for work

Got showered, dressed and ready

Now, I'm about to head to work for a couple of hours.

When I get home, I'm looking forward to some quality time, just my Owner and me.

Who knew service could feel this damn good?

Bruised and satiated

Syr and I had a check-in conversation the other day. Mostly what I wanted to do was touch base. I've been doing a lot of pro-active service, mostly domestic, lately and wanted to check in and make sure I was focusing my energies in a good direction and not overlooking things Syr would like me to be doing. I also wanted to review any current rules and expectations.

It ended up being a really good conversation and I walked away feeling clear on Syr's wishes/desires. Partly what was "different" about this talk for me was that my interest in approaching it was in meeting Syr's needs, in being an effective and useful slave, in knowing I was serving Her in a way She wanted to be served..... rather than worrying about my needs, my desires, etc.

When we got home that evening, I asked Syr for a beating. *grin*

Syr said maybe. ;)  And then mentioned She did have a nerf bat to try out (that I'd picked up many weeks ago at a discount store).

Needless to say... several hours and several bruises and a really good, hard, rough fucking later, I fell asleep in my Owner's arms, feeling content and contained.

This is what real life, 24/7 looks like for us. And it's amazing....

A little about Our story...

I was updating my Fetlife profile and ended up writing this. So I thought I would share it here...

My Owner collared me in January of 2006. She proposed that same week. But, the truth is, I belonged to Her even before then. The collar and the ring made it official.

I feel like I've known my Owner forever.

It never ceases to amaze me how She can understand why I'm doing something even before I do.

I am so grateful for Her gentle and loving leadership, patience, tenacity, understanding and care, especially in the ways She has worked hard to support me and help me heal from many years of family dysfunction and trauma. It's a journey and takes a lot of work and effort - but it is never a journey I walk alone, thanks to Her.

Our power-exchange dynamic has evolved many times since it first began. The reality of raising children together and our more recent reality of being empty nesters along with a slurry of family drama, work and financial drama, and many other factors cause necessary ebbs and flows in the realities of what our day to day looks like.

I have temporarily lost the right to wear Her collar during more than one of these hard times. Each time, I earned it back. However, more recently, I came close to losing it (but thankfully not Her) permanently. Syr will give up our dynamic before She gives up on our marriage. And if one has to go to save the other, go it will.

That was a difficult time and an incredible opportunity for growth and learning for me. I had lost sight of what mattered. I had become so focused on myself and my needs that I forgot, almost entirely, about Hers.

Thankfully, we had an opportunity for a real heart to heart talk right at that turning point - and thankfully in that moment, I truly listened and heard what She had to say. Had I not seen it for the wake up call it was, a lot would be different now. And so I am grateful, very grateful, to be sharing this life with Her because it is never simple, it is never easy, and being Hers demands that I hold myself to a very high standard. And so I continue to be incredibly committed to putting in the work - the work to be better, more mindful, more aware.

Syr often says that my abusive/dysfunctional/childhood past is not my fault - but it is my problem.

That sums it up. No matter the reason for the issues I struggle with, it is my "problem" - or, in other words, my responsibility to face what I need to face and to put in the work where it's needed to overcome what I can.

No matter what else happens, Syr has one primary requirement of me - and this requirement forms the foundation of not only our power exchange dynamic, but also of our marriage. And in this one singular requirement, I must never - ever fail:

**Never stop trying. Never stop making an effort.**

I'm going to screw up. Sometimes, I'm going to screw up badly. But the moment I turn to Her and say "Sorry, that's just how it is/i am. Too bad." is the moment that everything would unravel for us. Does this mean I have carte blanche to treat Her badly? No. But it does mean that She has an innate understanding of the nuances of a relationship like ours - not just the BDSM aspects of it, but the all-in commitment we have to one another.

She inspires me to be the best person I can be. Part of my motivation for that is that there is no better feeling in this world than Her pride in me. Part of my motivation is that I hope to be the wife, babygirl, partner, and slave that She deserves.

We talk about submission as a gift. And yes, it is. To give ones self over to someone else so completely is an act of trust. But loving Dominance and Mastery and Ownership and Daddyship(?) are also gifts. To own another, to take on that level of responsibility also requires a lot of work, a lot of commitment, a hell of a lot of patience and a lot of self-awareness.

I trust my Owner explicitly. I trust Her to ALWAYS act in my best interest - to always give me what I need, even if it's not what I want, and to keep me safe physically and emotionally.

But sometimes I fail in trusting. Sometimes trust is crazy hard. When we had our BIG TALK, the one where we had to decide the direction our relationship was going... I had to admit that sometimes I don't trust Her. Sometimes, that trust is a struggle for me. Sometimes my behavior belies a lack of trust. Sometimes fear and my past get in the way of trust.

And then we come full circle - because Syr has earned my trust - without question. And She is the first person to ever earn the level of trust I have in Her - but I still have further to go in the trust department. Trust issues arise for me for very valid reasons (again, abusive/dysfunctional childhood and past relationships play a very big role here).

So these trust issues may not be my fault. But they are my problem. And so I do my best to stay mindful. To be humble. To learn. To never fool myself into believing I have it all figured out. Because I don't. No one does.

We are all beautiful, human, works in progress. I am committed to the big work of being better. And grateful to have an Owner who not only supports this work - but demands it.

I couldn't imagine it being any other way.

Reflecting...

I've been reflecting the last couple of days about the D/s, Owner/slave dynamic between my Owner and I...

I don't know exactly what brought it to the forefront, but I have found myself going to some deeper places inside myself that I've not really gone in a long time.

I'm not sure if that makes sense.... but I think that our recent new status as empty nesters has stirred up some old feelings that, for many practical reasons, got shoved to the back.

I don't know what to call it. Back in the days of more formal communities online, I probably would have called it my slave heart. But that feels almost silly to say now. Maybe because I've grown up. Maybe because I see my Owner and my dynamic as a more organic, always-evolving thing now rather than something confined to specific labels or categories, though we are undeniably Owner/slave, that term doesn't resonate with me the way it used to, perhaps because I don't see things in the compartmentalized way that I used to.

That being said, I find myself looking closely at myself and my behavior through this deeper-service-slavey filter and realizing that in a lot of ways I've been falling down on the job for a long long time.

On the flip side, though, I see so many ways I have grown and evolved and matured and become self-maintaining (for lack of a better way to express that). So it's not like I'm sitting here berating myself or feeling guilty, necessarily.

I just see room for improvement... room for more gratitude and awareness and mindfulness. More room for making life easier for my Owner. But especially, more room for remembering my place all the time and not when things are easier.

I had really noticed when one of the man-kids was staying with us a couple days that my energy and attitude shifted noticeably when he was home, it really gave me pause to notice how not having privacy affected how I viewed myself within the context of our relationship and dynamic and I didn't like that.

New rituals

Syr implemented a new rule/ritual.

Within 10 minutes of either Her coming returning home or me returning home or (I should assume) upon waking if neither of us are going anywhere that day - I am to present myself, kneeling, bowing with my forehead on the floor.

"Who owns you?" She asks me.

"You do, Syr." I respond.

"Forever." She confirms.

"Yes, Syr." I reply.

It's a new rule. A new ritual. It's still something we're getting used to implementing. But I like it.... I like the way it feels.

Today, She put Her foot on the back of my neck.

And I could feel myself melting.

Packing. And I don't mean for a trip...

So, Syr has new(ish) jeans. And She wears them to work pretty regularly. I couldn't be happier that She's wearing jeans. And Her belt. Regularly. Because I think that's hot.

Sidenote: This morning while Syr was putting on Her belt, we were talking when suddenly She said She better stop and wait to finish because I won't hear anything until Her belt is on. I didn't hear Her when She said that. But when I tried to start talking, I drooled a little. True story.

Anyway, these new jeans are not quite so skin-tight as Her previous pair. Which leaves room for, well....

Her cock.

So, the other night, we were having a quiet night in, playing video games together, enjoying some couch time. And I went out to walk the dogs. When I came back in, we played games for another hour or so before She finally made a comment that brought my attention to the fact that A: She'd changed into jeans at some point from her usual comfy at-home pants and B: She was packing Ripper, our favourite of Her cocks. *blinkblink*

It was pretty hot, I'm not gonna lie. It wasn't very long after that, that Syr had me naked, Her jeans still on, and was fucking me six ways from Sunday.

That night ended in screaming orgasms, a lot of tears (of the releasey-awesome variety) and a very, very satiated slave-girl.

It was a good night. ;)

Syr's Belt

It's a simple moment.

Syr comes home from work. She wore the pants that She pairs with a belt.

I stare. At the buckle. At the belt. She follows my gaze, knowingly.

Syr unbuckles Her belt and slides it off.

That sound..... *shiver*

I turn around, brace my hands on the kitchen counter, sassily sticking my ass out behind me.

Syr obliges me.... looping Her belt in Her hand... placing a hand at the base of my neck to hold me in place... and delivers several hard smacks to the curve where my ass meets the top of my thighs... and then to my shoulders.

My knees tremble, threatening to buckle.

She stops with a chuckle.

I turn around, plant a kiss on Her neck.

"Thank You, Syr."

Service Mode

It feels "easy" to be in service mode (so far) in the new place. I don't know if it's the change of scenery, the fact that our new place is so nice, the fact that we have less stuff, the fact that everything's so organized and neat, or just our new start in a place all our own with all the privacy in the world. Whatever it is that's making this feel effortless and natural - I like it! I'm thinking Syr likes it too.

Awww.

Not feeling well...

So Daddy is giving me orange juice and making me homemade chicken noodle soup.

And She danced with me. In the living room. With no music.

So thankful for my life.

Feeling treasured and special and nurtured and warm and fuzzy and stuff.

Thoughts...

What I really want, right this moment, is to curl up in my Daddy's arms. And snuggle. With a blanket. And a puppy.

Having one of those kinda moments.

Just craving the nurturing. The softness. The tenderness.

(Next week, though, I'll probably just be craving a good hard beating.)

Chores

Spent the morning and early afternoon cleaning the house... having a bubble bath... and just being immersed in some healthy service mode time.

It felt good.

I thrive on routine.... and I think Syr's new job and our new empty-nest privacy are helping me to establish some new routines and.... I think I like it.

A lot.

Oops.

So just 24 hours after being reminded the first time, I had to be reminded again. Oops.

In "owning my stuff" category, I have to say that being reminded feels good. I wouldn't deliberately skip days in order to be reminded, but it is nice to see the input from Syr in writing......

I have this visceral reaction to Her words on paper (on screen). Perhaps it is because in the early days of our D/s, so much of it was words on pages or on screens. Assignments. Tasks. Punishments. Discipline. Scenes...

I've always responded from a very primal place to seeing Her words.... and it hasn't changed or lessened over the years. So that's sort of what's on my mind at this precise moment...

Reminded

Syr had to remind me to write because I've not been remotely consistent the last couple weeks. Oops. :-S

To say we have our "mojo" back, or have broken our dry spell is probably an understatement. ;)

The other day, I got home from work, walked into the kitchen, kissed Her, and asked Her if She wanted to fuck me...

She said yes and 10 minutes later, we were in the bedroom fucking like bunnies.

Epic.

Reset.

Privacy is awesome.

For the first time - ever - Syr and I are living on our own, just the two of us. All the privacies!

The other day, Syr bent me over and caned my ass until I squealed. A lot. It was unpleasant but the heat on my bum that radiated for the hour or two following was rather divine.

I really don't like sting. I really really don't. But I can't deny that anytime I get a good beating, the feelings that follow are pretty wonderful.

But .... later that night... life got even better.

Syr bent me over and gave me a delicious, delicious beating with Her belt. It had been sooo long since I'd felt the leather of Her belt on my bare skin and it was wonderful in every way.

After my sound beating, Syr took me hard, from behind until I begged to cum....

And then flipped me over to continue driving into me for... I don't know how long... before She let me... and by then my orgasm was so intense that I was crying.. hard.

I can't remember how many times I came. But I remember the way my thighs wouldn't stop shaking for almost an hour afterward.

And I managed to give Syr multiples too. ;) A good night. For sure.

And the best part? Getting to just toddle off to the bathroom naked for clean-up time without worrying about anyone seeing us.

Bliss.

3 Sentences

I feel like being able to integrate our dynamic into those mundane day to day moments is getting easier as we approach the time when we will have the house all to ourselves.

Today, I noticed I was much quicker to notice a bit of 'tude on my part because who my Owner is to me was top of mind - instead of back of mind.

I have this feeling, deep down, that some of the personal growth and communication stuff I've been working so hard on might just get a wee bit easier when we have more privacy. Maybe not hugely so, but enough to give it all a little boost.

Privacy... and soon.

The countdown is on until we are finally living alone - just the two of us.

Next Wednesday night though the evening itself is pretty busy so I doubt we'll do more than sleep when I finally get home.

But yesterday and today, Syr and I have exchanged several moments. Certainly the idea of our upcoming new (permanent) privacy is giving us our mojo back. I can't even imagine what it will be like to know that Syr can assert Her ownership at any time of the day, without warning - and in whatever manner She chooses.

It's both thrilling and reassuring to know that there need not be any censorship, nor mincing of words out of concern for how we might be overheard - or misinterpreted. Which means a lot more freedom and space to breathe in our regular day to day interactions.

The possibilities are endless....

3 Sentences

Today I didn't get a lot of time with my Owner....

but I was grateful that I had an opportunity to make Her a tea, something I'd been missing these last few mornings.

And I'm grateful that I got to refer to Her as Syr - because circumstances have made protocol difficult or unrealistic for the past week or more...

And I'm grateful that very, very soon it will just be the two of us living alone - and things will shift yet again - and I am looking forward to that privacy and the ability to manifest and integrate!

Gratitude... yes, again

Today, I was humbled when Syr pointed out to me that I hadn't been giving Her my full attention - far from it - and then later when I realized that pretty much all of the stuff that is uncomfortable for me - or takes me outside what i feel ready for is geared to further my own best interests.

In other words, Syr is constantly pushing me outside the linear path because it is one of the ways She works so hard to make my (and our) dreams come true. Sometimes it's hard to recognize because part of me still is worried it will all fall out from under me. But when I get locked up in that fear, I'm really just throwing eggshells down at my own feet.

So today I'm grateful for the push. Grateful for being given opportunities to explore possibilities - no matter how wild and crazy they might seem - because exploring possibilities is the ONLY reason I am where I am in my life right now, and without the constant pressure to step outside my comfort zone, it never would have happened.

So it stands to reason that to maintain this awesomeness - and to grow it into something sustainable, lots of "being outside my comfort zone" is necessary. In fact that is probably all it's going to be for a while.

Need to continue to work hard on faith and trust - particularly in the unknown.

3 Sentences of gratitude

I'm grateful for my Owner's involvement and support in all areas of my life.

I am grateful for the opportunity to pursue my dreams, even (especially?) when those dreams push me beyond the limits of what I think I'm comfortable with or ready for.

I am grateful for a warm bed at night and strong arms that hold me.

3 Sentences

I love my Owner.

I'm grateful for my Owner.

I feel safe with my Owner.

3 Sentences

Looking forward to the surprise trip my Owner is taking me on - and opportunities to connect and have some protocol and D/s and Daddy/girl time without interruption or lack of privacy.

Had moments today where I felt grateful for having the time and opportunity to serve my Owner's tea again (on my knees, properly) and other small moments of day to day loveliness.

And finally, I am about to go to bed and request the sleeping collar for the first time in a few weeks thanks to training and scheduling craziness and I'm VERY much looking forward to that.

Thoughts

Recently after some big ah ha moments with my Owner, She decided to give me a circular series of writing tasks - topics that repeat and this has taken the majority of my writing focus lately. Because the work is more stream of consciousness, it's written for Her eyes only and I haven't been posting it here. But I realized that it's nice sometimes just to note the little moments too...

So here I am.

Remembering that being in this relationship, this marriage - and this dynamic takes constant attention, mindfulness, and dedication. Sometimes those things slip - and when they do, they need a little kick in the ass. But lately I feel like I've been doing the kicking when it needs it so that it's not just Syr having to do it, which feels like growth and healthy and stuff. :) So there's that.

Moments

Getting ready to go out to run errands with Syr, we were in the bedroom getting dressed, being playful. Then She seized the moment... Held me close and paddled my bottom with the small wooden sign paddle She keeps on the dresser.

"Who owns you?" She asks.
"You do, Syr." I whimper
"My slave. My slut. My whore." Every word punctuated with a soft smack of the paddle.

Starting our afternoon together on the right note. Feeling contained. Feeling loved.

Happy Fathers Day

Happy Fathers Day to the best Daddy any little girl could ever have. I love You, Daddy.

Feeling little

Sometimes, the best moments are the simple and sweet ones. Lately there have been many opportunities for simple little girl bliss - like curling up next to Daddy on my porch swing at dusk or dark, when the fairy lights inside are all lit up. These are the moments that fill up my heart.

Remembering

Starting the day with some poignant reminders for myself... about respect.. my place... things to keep in mind when I communicate with my Owner.... and those sorts of things... has proven very helpful to maintaining a more respectful tone. It's also helping me re-ground. We were so busy for a couple months that it felt like there wasn't time to be mindful - which is (of course) ridiculous. But making the time, now, feels good.

Wednesday afternoon musing...

Things I'm thinking about today...

Gratitude - and working on respect in general, particularly when things get intense or tense.
Sex - Just craving my Owner's cock, a good hard romp, and playing with new flavours
Life and busyness - Wishing we had more free time for afternoon quickies and spontaneous play!
Service - feeling on top of the To Do list makes me feel like a better slave, and more peaceful in general.

Blowjob....

Spent a hot, steamy, shower fantasizing about serving Syr orally this afternoon.

It was a really, really, really nice shower.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Wanting

Today I'm full of wanting. I feel warm. Squirmy. Needy. Bordering on desperate.

I'm not sure why I'm so very responsive, other than that I feel contained and when I feel contained I feel freer to express all the desires in me.... maybe.

Or there's no reason at all and I'm just horny.

I have to spend most of my late afternoon and evening away from home but my mind is definitely on all the naughty things. This should be interesting....

Giving up control

Lately, I've been working on giving up more and more control - particularly when I notice old bad habits and dysfunctional behavior creeping up again. And by "when I notice", I mean when Syr points it out because it seems like lately I've been not noticing this stuff cropping up until after I've made a mistake. Often a big one. :(

So I'm working on it. Today was another moment of "ah ha" as I handed over control of my daily to do list to Syr. Sounds kinda silly to say that - like of course that should have been Hers this whole time. But it never really occurred to me to hand it all over like that.

Progress? definitely. Does it feel good? Safe? Healthy? absolutely!

There have been other big control shifts. I think it's easier for me to do this stuff now that we have less concerns over freaking out the youngest man-child, who still lives at home. He understands that we have a consensual power dynamic now that he's an adult. We still keep it subtle around him but there's less anxiety around trying to "hide" it. That makes little things like this way easier and more comfortable. I think it also makes it easier for Syr to remind me when I need reminding and to be more verbally aggressive when necessary to keep me in line - which in a way has eased a lot of stress for both of us, I think.

I'm happy with this latest development with the task list. Accountability has NEVER been a bad thing for me and usually results in a lot more mindfulness and awareness on my part.

Right this moment, I'm feeling grateful. And contained.

Collar time

I'm behind in posting but life has been crazy busy lately (in a really good way). I did, however, want to mention that last Friday (a week ago), when we had the house to ourselves, Syr was doing a bit of cooking in the kitchen. Struck by inspiration (?), I fetched the purple fancy collar and went naked to kneel at Her feet in the kitchen and offered it to Her to put on me if She wished (and She did). I wore it all evening and it clearly pleased Her that I'd brought it to Her and it made me feel all warm and fuzzy, too!

We were both tired and burnt out so we didn't end up playing but rather just mostly doing our own thing for the evening. I slept in the collar and knelt at Her feet in the morning for Her to remove it.

Since that day, I've brought it to Her every evening at bedtime and worn it to sleep. Every morning I wear it until She sits in Her chair to have Her tea (provided the rest of the household is still asleep) and after I serve Her tea, THEN She removes it.

It's been a really beautiful, grounding, and wonderful ritual and I'm enjoying it so much. Sleeping in a more obvious collar or ankle cuff has always been a really wonderful ritual for me and Syr seems to really be enjoying these little moments as well. So grateful.

Decisions... decisions...

Today, as I was working at my desk, Syr brought over some bites of chocolate cake - rather randomly - to share with me. As She fed me bite #2, She dropped a little blob of frosting on my bare arm. As She scraped it up with the fork and fed it to me, I sassily mentioned that there was a "better way to do that" implying... you know... that She lick it off. That's what most people would think, right?

Instead She leaned in and said... "I know. I could scrape it up with my knife..."  to which I am pretty sure i sorta shiver-purred. ;)

So, tongue or knife? Which would YOU choose?

I know, it's really no contest, right? ;)

Kitchen Service

Tonight as Syr was cooking dinner, She teased me about how hot it would be to have me kneeling at Her feet, sucking Her cock while She cooked. Loving the idea, I went around the counter to kneel invitingly at Her feet. Sadly, we weren't alone or I think She just may have done it. ;) Some day we'll live alone. Someday.... ;)

Play

One of the things I appreciate the most about the relationship I share with my Owner is the way we play and laugh together. I love our ability to be silly. We've had water fights (and bread dough fights) and silliness and teasing and it's all so wonderful. I can't imagine a life without that kind of play.

Simple sweetness

This morning, I got up a couple hours before Syr. I had my coffee, played on my computer, and just generally puttered around a bit. But, I prepped Syr's tea and creamer in a mug and got the water in the kettle ready. It worked out really well, because when I heard Her stirring, I just turned the kettle on and my timing was perfect! I was just pouring Her tea when She wandered into the kitchen. When She saw me working on it, She turned and headed for the couch giving me the opportunity to kneel sweetly at Her feet to serve Her tea. It was one of those great, everything lines up just as you want it to, kind of moments. Simple. Sweet. Perfect.

Had a dream

Last night... or rather, this morning, I had a dream that I was in big trouble. And Syr had ordered me into the bedroom where She'd "prepared" my punishment.

When I showed up, She was on the bed and She had TWO video cameras set up. One to the side of the bed, and one at the end of the bed both aimed AT the bed. She was sitting on the bed with a sly smile and I knew, in that moment that She was going to give me an Over The Knee paddling, and film it!

It never occurred to me if it was something She was going to be live streaming... or recording to torment me with later... or post somewhere.

But it got me VERY worked up. And I didn't want to wake up.

I woke up with a little exhibitionist tingle and craving a good beat-down, if you know what I mean...

Appreciation.

Having one of those days where I just truly appreciate my Owner. She drove a lot today. We did things that were important and helping me to achieve some things I'm really excited about. And we had good productive conversations. <3 Good day.

Silliness

My favourite moment from today? Getting tickle-tackled by Syr in the living room after dinner but before dessert. I like laughing. I like play. I like our silliness. I hope we never outgrow it.

Learning to breathe

Today I've been working on and practicing taking those pauses, those deep breaths when something Syr says "hits" me funny. Trying not to defend but rather to think about what an appropriate response would be. Seeing the payoff.

Bliss

I fell asleep wrapped up in my Owner's arms last night. Not our usual routine but a tight, protective snuggle that made me feel so small and safe and protected. The sweetest, sweetest bliss. I am so loved.

A new day

Yesterday presented a big challenge and opportunity for learning and growth. I hope that I really integrated what I learned. I feel like I have but that's no guarantee. Trying to stay mindful today. The energy between Daddy and me is nice, playful and generally good. About to get started on a bunch of chores and then do work.

Little lessons are sometimes the best kind...

Got a little attitude this evening. And then I remembered who the boss really is... and the fact that She's normally right. First I was cranky - but then I was humbled. Another lesson learned.

Yes, Syr!

Syr (playfully demanding): "Make me a tea, bitch!"

me (sassily): "I don't respond to 'bitch'"

Syr: *grabs my collar and yanks it up, pressing me against the wall* "MY Bitch."

Me: *shiver*

Syr:  Now... Make me a tea... BITCH

me: "Yes, Syr."

The right way to start a morning.

The right way to start a morning is most definitely at my Owner's feet with a cup of hot tea ready for Her in my hands. There's a look in Her eyes that She gets that is just for me. And when She says "Thank you, slave", my heart goes all pitty-pat. <3

Gratitude

Yesterday, I was excitedly trying to explain to my Owner how the fact that I'd been bothered by a messy bed and felt like it needed to be fixed right away (as proof of a formed habit) made me proud of my new habit of making it every single day. But, She kept interrupting me to inform me that I should be grateful that I get to serve Her in that way. I thought She was missing the point, that I had noticed the new habit and was proud of myself. Really, I'd been missing the point. The exciting part really is that I am lucky enough to live the lifestyle I love - in service to someone I truly love and respect in all ways. And so in hindsight, I realize that the point really IS the gratitude. Thank You, Syr - for the granting me the privilege of serving You.

3 Sentences

Today started and ended with service. In the morning, I waited by Syr's chair, kneeling, with Her tea in hand. And I gave Syr a pedicure this evening as an anchor point and to end our evening on a positive, service-minded note.

3 Sentences

Served my Owner a tea on my knees upon waking this morning to start the day off on the right foot (er, knee)? We had a pretty quiet day, overall and a productive one. Syr is feeling under the weather today so I'm feeling hovery and probably being annoying - trying to keep a lid on that though!

3 Sentences

This morning I let my Owner sleep while I got up super early to take the car to the shop, get a little work done, have breakfast, straighten the house, and take care of some other little things. When She got up I had a meeting to go to, but when I came back I was feeling fairly service minded. Adjusting to a new, temporary schedule as we're in the midst of another transition period.

3 Sentences

Big changes in our household as we're all having some extra time at home. Started this morning off with my Owner's tea and water service. Feeling grounded.

Just what was needed....

Syr and I have had a very emotional and stressful couple of days. Some stuff happened at Her day job that was really, really wrong and we're looking at next steps - and also some waiting to see if the job will do the right thing.... so lots of pontificating and talking things out and playing out what we would do in various situations/scenarios depending on how it plays out, etc.

On my end, I've been (am) so angry on Her behalf, so fierce about this whole thing, that I kept bursting into tears. I just didn't know what to do with all that anger. I was so worked up and upset and angry and frustrated and sad.

Syr got things emotionally back on track by first unexpectedly giving me a delicious slap across the face, dropping me into sub-space just.like.that. After that, She ordered me to serve Her a tea, naked and on my knees - since we had the house to ourselves.  It was really nice just sitting at Her feet, vulnerable and little, while we talked. She held my hand and drank Her tea and other than the fact that I was naked and on the floor, the conversation was totally normal. There's something extra-blissful about these "normal" D/s moments, these ones that integrate into whatever we're doing. These are the moments that make what we are to each other a lifestyle and not just a string of "scenes" attached to each other.

After a while, Syr slid Her desk chair away from the computer and announced that She was going to fuck me.

*shiver-purr*

She ordered me on to the bed and gave me a long-awaited, and much needed spanking. With my ass still toasty-warm from that, She ordered me onto my back and proceeded to fuck me... well... and hard.

She got into all those perfect positions, the ones that trigger the most intense, emotional, orgasms and ordered me to cum until I physically couldn't anymore and then asked me to do it again. She pushed me past speechlessness, past tears, to full on ugly-cry because the sensations were all so intense. And it was... exactly what I needed.

I don't remember much after that. Except that we went to sleep.

This morning, She wanted me to wake up with Her and used ice to "motivate" me out of bed. After our morning coffee, She threatened me with ice, just playfully, and reminded me what She's done to me with ice, before.

I may have let a "oh yes please, Syr" slip out before I took the time to really think about it. ;) Oops. (heh)

Fast forward... and I'm on the bed, on all fours with I don't know how many ice cubes melting inside me and a whole lot more orgasms tearing through me. There may have been more crying. I honestly don't remember, even though it was only a couple hours ago...

Either way. I'm sitting here, feeling very warm, fuzzy, well-used, owned, happy, and grateful. It was just what was needed...

3 Sentences

Yesterday, Syr got some VERY bad news... the kind that has me all up in arms and so upset and angry on Her behalf I don't even know what to do with myself. It's really thrown us both for a loop but all will end well. It's just really hard right now.

3 Sentences

Yesterday evening, there was a bit of a setback. I'd been doing really well not taking brief (normal) moments of irritation/annoyance personally. But last night I did just that... and it took a little argument to get me back on track - but I suppose in that the most important part is that I did get back on track and I didn't have to psycho-analyze or defend it to death before I started listening.

3 Sentences

Last night, I was feeling pretty burnt out and while I took care of the basic service such as getting my Owner a cup of hot tea and preparing Her dinner, I felt resistant to the other types of service I could have been catering to. For example, She mentioned needing a manicure soon and I realized later on that by "soon" She was probably hoping/expecting that I would offer one right away - but because I was so tired and burnt out it kinda went in one ear and out the other, not totally intentionally but there was some awareness there. Later on, I admitted to Her how I'd been feeling and why I hadn't offered Her a manicure and apologized, which was a productive and healthy step forward.

3 Sentences

Yesterday evening, Syr mentioned in passing that She might be wanting a foot rub later. We weren't in a position to do it right away and, the old me, would have probably promptly forgot. Instead of forgetting, though, I was conscientious about when and how Syr might most appreciate that footrub and after my evening bath, as She was all cozy in bed, I knelt at the foot of the bed and massaged Her feet thoroughly so that after the massage, She could just fall asleep..... WIN!

3 Sentences

A simple cup of tea. A whispered "Syr". Simple rituals to maintain a constant awareness of my place.

3 Sentences

Starting the day on my knees, tea in hand for my Owner feels nice. Today I have a lot of time, unplugged and out of the house. Looking forward to a mellow Sunday

3 Sentences

In spite of a busy day, found an opportunity - though small - for a wee bit of service, this morning. I made my Owner Her tea and delivered it to Her on my knees. Lovely way to begin the day...

3 Sentences (Well, technically 4)

Last night, my Owner - somewhat randomly - decided to start telling me how nice it would be if we had some alone time so that I could just kneel at Her feet and service Her cock, with my mouth. She said if I did well, She would maybe fuck me... but then, She mused, She probably wouldn't need to fuck me to make me cum if I was servicing Her cock. She'd simply need to grab my hair, pull me off Her cock, growl at me to cum, and then drive Her cock back into my mouth.

This conversation made driving... very... difficult.

3 Sentences

Today, I picked up all the ingredients to make a fun (and fancy) dinner for Syr Saturday night. :) I also stayed up to date on all my chores, with the exception of folding and putting away the clean laundry - which I am behind on. Feeling successful.

3 Sentences

Feeling really on top of my chores and to-do's today which always makes me feel better - both from a service perspective, and a general one. I'm still feeling really hormonal and uncomfortable but I feel more focused. Wishing I could just snuggle with my Owner right now.

3 Sentences

I am feeling pissy, hormonal, and generally moody today. But, I have (so far) successfully, not taken that attitude out on my Owner. That may seem like a small obvious (easy) thing ... but it's a big win because I'm very... what's the word Syr used again??? demonstrative with my emotions (good and bad)!

3 Sentences

Doing my chores, today, and thinking of my Owner and how much I love Her - truly with all my heart. We had a really nice and productive conversation late last night about some of my biggest struggles - from an attitude/old programming/baggage standpoint. I feel grateful to have an Owner so invested in my well-being, growth, and health - mentally, physically, and psychologically/emotionally.

3 Sentences

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning thanks to hormones and a stupid nightmare that had me waking up in tears. I was awfully combative and mouthy with Syr this morning. Time to shape up so I don't make a mess of today!

3 Sentences

Figured out how to orgasm standing up in the shower. Syr wanted to see how. So I showed Her.

Demolished....

I feel like I've put that as the subject line of a post, before. I probably have. But yeah, that's how I felt as I drifted off to sleep - demolished.

My Owner knows how to break me down, destroy me, tear me to pieces, and then lovingly assemble me again in a way that makes me feel so fresh and new and raw and... owned.

Last night She used Her knife a little... took my breath away a little.... slapped my face a little.... and whispered in my ear in that low growly Owner voice that I can never get enough of.... I swear just Her voice is enough sometimes... and She used the glass cock by hand. One of the surest and fastest ways to totally wreck me.

I
slept
like
a
baby.

Thank You, Syr....

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We're having a really lazy day, today, just sitting around the house, playing video games, etc. We slept in really late and haven't been as interactive as usual. And, somehow, I've still stayed in touch with my 'place'.

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This morning, Syr and I were both awake before the rest of the house, and alone. So, I knelt to serve Her morning tea. It was a lovely, warm and fuzzy way to begin the day.

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Last night, I asked Syr if I could wear a gold locket with a picture of us on my collar chain. She said no, and when I asked why, Her reply was "because it wasn't my idea." I was reminded, in the simplest and loveliest of ways, that I am never truly in control.

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This morning, I woke up thinking about a simple service for Syr a day or two ago... bathing my Owner. It was so exotic to wash and shave Her. It felt simple and lovely and immersive.

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This morning, I forgot - for a while - all the reasons why it's so important that I listen, really listen to my Owner when She's speaking.

I was reminded that when I do exactly as She asks, without worrying about what it all means, or psychoanalyzing it to death or assuming that there's some personal slight involved, it is like waving a magic wand and makes all the stress and fear dissolve.

It may not be pleasant to listen, obey, and simply do - but when I do it, things are so much better.... working on really integrating that knowledge.... one teeny tiny, almost imperceptible baby step at a time.

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What I'm craving, lately, is the confidence of Her touch, the rough sound of Her voice growling in my ear, and time at Her feet.

I'm also craving routine, structure, and getting back to connecting with this side of our lives in more obvious ways - though it hasn't waned at all.

I might also be craving a nap... having a sleepy sort of day...

Breakthroughs

In spite of some stress that's going on in my life, lately, I feel like I've made some good breakthroughs when it comes to service. I'm grateful for that.

Lately I've been staying on top of the things that I know my Owner likes and providing them (usually) without reminders. I know I'm not perfect at it, but it's still really nice to see continuous (positive) progress!

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Last night, for about the millionth time - my Daddy was there for me in a way that few people ever have been or ever could be. Not only does she make me feel safer than I have ever felt, but She manages to do it even when I am at my most vulnerable - most afraid. She does all of this in spite of being the person who most challenges me, who holds me to the highest possible standards and I am so grateful.

Writing...working... growing

Clearly, I have a lot of work to do still on being consistent with this blog.

I have a bunch of excuses in my head about how busy I am but I also need to remember that Syr used to appreciate even just a three-sentence daily post, so I really don't have any excuses. How long does a few sentences take? Not much. And writing here is an excellent anchor for my service so I need to get better at this, for real.

So, how have things been going lately? I'd say up and down. I've been learning some hard lessons recently when it comes to communicating with Syr. It's often hard. I have so many unhealthy/dysfunctional habits particularly around communication and behaviour when there is tension that I really feel like each time I get better at one, I find three more in it's place that I need to address. But, that's just part of how this works. It's in layers.

Anyway, recently, we've had a couple of arguments caused by my not shutting up or not listening when I needed to. I know that these arguments have been much shorter-lived than a similar argument may have been a few years ago. So that is a clear marker of improvement. But there are things i need to work harder on.

One thing we identified recently is my behaviour when I sense any annoyance or frustration on Syr's part. I always ask "what's wrong?" but the second She tells me, I try to explain, defend it away - dismissing it (essentially). Interestingly, we identified that my drive to ask the question comes from a dysfunctional background, as does my compulsion to "make it go away". Without going into intense details about my background, let's just say it never ever occurred to me that She wouldn't always WANT me to ask what's wrong. But what She explained is sometimes She gets annoyed or whatever and just needs a moment or two to move on. That was a totally novel concept to me. And I think should help take the pressure off asking all the time. Because if I'm not prepared to hear and honour the answer, I shouldn't ask the question right? Right. I also need to work on how I handle the answer when I DO ask so it's a two part process, but it felt like progress to identify this particular issue. :) So I'm happy about that.

Service wise, I'm still enjoying keeping the house clean for Syr. :) It's become something that I take a lot of pride in. Something as small as making sure the ceiling fans get dusted every day gives me this great feeling as a slave.

So yes, while there are challenging hard things we're working on, there is also still a solid foundation of a true desire to be the best and healthiest me I can be  - for my Owner AND my own sake. And that helps drive everything and is what gets me/us through the harder things.

Diving deep into service

A lot has changed in my day to day life.

To begin with, I no longer have a standard 9-5 type job.  I'm actually still pretty busy with my own business, however not being gone for the standard 9-5 has opened up a world of possibilities when it comes to my service and how I feel as a slave.

It's only the second week of this new life and I'm looking around and very proud of the levels of service I've been able to provide. Pets are cared for. The bird has a clean cage and lots of social time. The dog is getting her meals and playtime.  And the house is clean. I'm getting into a daily routine of kitchen, laundry, bathroom, floors, dusting, the whole nine yards. And I'm loving it.

What's so amazing about that is that it seems like it wasn't that long ago when domestic service was a hard limit. But it's different, now, and the relationship and lifestyle is totally different. Serving my Owner is a true pleasure. I feel so good knowing that She is coming home from work to a clean house where all those pesky little chores are done. I love that I can pack Her lunch and make Her tea in the morning and set Her up to have the best day possible... all while pursuing my own personal business goals and dreams, too.

It's pretty amazing stuff. 

I'm just feeling so super grateful.

Working Hard on Service

Lately, I have been working much harder on those little day to day components of service. I've been working hardest of all on being autonomous in these actions, so that they are more meaningful, authentic, and from the heart.

There is definitely payoff. Nothing beats the look on my Owner's face when I kneel, unprompted at Her feet because I can see that would please Her in the moment. Nothing is more satisfactory than the special small smile that is just for me when I bring Her a carefully prepared beverage and give it to Her with service in my heart and on my mind. There is an electrical charge to everything I do when I do it from a service heart and it is amazing to see it unfold.

Yes, I have good days and not so good days. I still have a lot of work to do. But it is becoming a daily practice unbidden now and that is still relatively new in the grand scheme of things.

There are a lot of little things my Owner does to maintain the D/s between us.... little things that sometimes get taken for granted. I want to do my part as well because who She is to me is important and meaningful.

The longer I am Hers, the more I realize that it is these small moments, added up that create the robustness of who we are to one another, rather than just the bursts of intensity and raw moments alone.

I am sleepy, but I will be going to bed with thoughts of gratitude on my mind.

Inside Out

Last weekend was a long weekend and I had the great pleasure to get a great deal of quality time with my Owner. She and I ran errands, talked, gamed, bonded, and cuddled.

And we also had a rare evening of complete privacy which we took FULL advantage of.

That morning, I'd brought Syr the steel and leather cuff to wear on Her wrist while we did some running around. The cuff is our silent signal that I'd like to be held to higher protocol than usual.. It was more a reminder to myself to remember to call Her Syr as much as possible, whenever realistic.... and I love the grin She gives me when I bring it to Her. I enjoyed that all day long.

To top it off, Syr had worn her tight-fitting button fly jeans, all day long... with a snug black tee shirt all tucked in. Commando. Just those jeans hugging Her sexy ass. I could barely keep my hands off her! And well, I didn't entirely *wicked grin*. So, when we found out later that we were going to have the house all to ourselves for at least a few hours, I couldn't drag Her into the bedroom fast enough.

"are You taking requests, Syr?" , I asked Her, thinking of that thing She does with the wevibe, Her fingers, and thumb... but I also wanted Her cock. Such a greedy grrl I am.

"No." She responded without hesitation. "You'll take what You get, little girl."

The perfect response. I shivered. She always knew what I needed and this was no exception. I was naked in a heartbeat and watching Her prepare. She strapped on Ripper, and then... pulled those gorgeous button fly's back up.

There is something about Her having any clothing on or even lots of clothing on while I am naked beneath Her. It makes me feel more vulnerable ... more taken somehow. And with those buttonflys....  well, even hotter.

She didn't waste any time, it was a breath maybe two and She was inside me and my fingers were wrapped into Her belt loops pulling Her tighter.  Damn.

To say that She drove me to utter distraction and abandon after that is an understatement. And at some point, though I can't remember if it was before or after the buttonfly+Ripper action, She did ask what my request would have been.... and I admitted it. Later, after I thought I was wrung out pretty well, She obliged......

When I regained consciousness........  I had  been turned completely inside out. And it was divine.

Mindfulness

When I can remember my place, and how grateful I am to my Owner for all that She does for me on a regular and ongoing basis, service come easily - and naturally - and from a truly authentic place.

Lately, those little things have really been adding up. I've been keeping up on my chores, even the little ones that used to be so easy to forget. I've been able to anticipate Her needs much better than I ever have before, and I feel more grounded and rooted in my submission and She seems much more confident in Her Dominance.

Talk about a win-win!

Yes.

We've been in an external-circumstances-imposed rut. It's not for lack of desire. It's not that we WANT to be in a dry spell. But there are just a bunch of things that have been getting in the way! 

So, other than our hotel trip, things have been a little... overly... mellow for both of our preferences.

But last night, we remedied that. Thank goodness!

I lit all the candles and made it all pretty. 

And then my Owner fucked me until I couldn't move.

It was GREAT.