Sunday Devotional

This has been a difficult, but productive weekend.

Yesterday was a not so great day. Oh, well, I'm probably sugar-coating there. Yesterday was a crappy day. My mood was intense from morning until bedtime and, in the process, I behaved badly several times throughout the day. Hooray for PMS.

But I also had the opportunity to learn some really valuable things about my Owner's needs and the reasons behind why certain communication errors on my part are so significant to Her. I learned why and how they affect Her the way that they do. So, while it was sucky, something useful came out of it that I am confident will only help me continue to grow.

Today, things went very smoothly. We spent the entire day together doing things. We got up early, attended to some errands and chores, and managed to spend most of the day out and about doing things and then at home doing more things! We're finally getting ready to snuggle up with a movie together, now, and so my devotional is only  happening at this late point in the evening.

I feel closer to Her again today. I think that tends to happen when we make it through a difficult day or an argument and I realize that She is so loving and kind and knows how to use Her authority in healthy ways that help me to grow. Every time that happens - it deepens the trust I have in Her. It also helps me see so clearly just how much she believes in me... something that's easy to lose sight of in the heat of the moment.

Movie time. :)

Sunday Devotional

There was no devotional post last week because both my Owner and I blitzed doing it. I think it happened because we were in such good moods that day and just got off on the right foot so the day just flowed and so the devotional slipped both our minds. I suppose that's not a bad thing, but I do like what the devotionals have been doing for my frame of mind on Sundays.

I woke up a bit grumpy, must have got up on the wrong side of the bed. I think it's mostly because I was having serious adventurey type dreams so I went from that to the alarm going off and having to get up (in spite of several attempts at "snoozing" through the alarm.  I'm still feeling a bit out of sorts, and a bit ungrounded though I'm not exactly sure why.  It might have something to do with a class I have scheduled for today. My last class didn't go very well so I think there might be some underlying nerves about that. Hmm. That makes sense. But, I'm actually looking forward to it for the most part because I'm excited about the subject matter. Just have to remember to have a good lunch before I go this time.


This last week has been, for the most part, pretty good. Had a really nice Friday evening and Saturday with my Owner. Yesterday, we spent most of the day doing some chores together, getting the outside cleaned up and doing some of the first gardening of the season.  I got some great little girl time too because I got so little helping Her in the garden. And, we snuggled up and had a movie night last night, too. It was really good quality time.

Sunday Devotional: An Apology

Dear Syr,

During this, my Sunday Devotional time, You've asked me to complete an assignment. A consequence for my actions yesterday. A 1000 word apology about yesterday's disobedience.

We were having one of those conversations that were going all kinds of sideways. I was too intense. I was upset. I wasn't listening. I was being obstinate and I was being stubborn (though I suppose those are sort of the same thing). Especially in these moments, without a clear directive from You that makes it obvious that You are speaking to me with Your Owner voice and not just being cranky with me - I tend not to 'hear' when You are telling me to do something, not because You'd simply just like me to do it, but because You are commanding me to do it.

I know it doesn't make much sense. But one of the biggest challenges in our 24/7 D/s, M/s, D/g dynamic is the melding of more mundane day to day life things (and lack of privacy) with the realities of a power exchange relationship - and all that entails. So, I sometimes miss the boat in moments like these. It wasn't for lack of You being clear. It was primarily just a cloudiness of my own vision and a bit of emotional cotton stuffed in my ears that caused me to fail to notice, possibly semi intentionally, that You'd just given me a direct order to come upstairs for a fifteen minute time out.

Since You first implemented the time outs and the Sunday Devotionals, things have gone better than ever. We've both noticed the remarkable difference in the way I handle conflict or difficult conversations if there is a forced 'break' when I get too worked up. The quiet time to think and remember I am owned and safe has been incredibly effective. Without fail, every time You've sent me upstairs for a time out, I have gone up the stairs mad as hell, furious, convinced that I am right and that You're just being short-tempered or stubborn. And as soon as I get up here, and I snap Your collar around my neck (which sometimes takes a moment because I won't put it on while I'm thinking negative thoughts about You, so sometimes I need a moment or two before it goes on).... but as soon as I do, it's like the anger just melts away and I'm left with this remarkable thing: rationality. It's bizarre how effective it is. It isn't some dysfunctional thing where I put on Your collar and realize that You must be right at all costs, or that I am somehow reminded that I don't have a right to my own opinion. Quite the opposite.

I put on Your collar and am reminded that I trust You. That I respect You. That You have never steered me in a direction that was not in my best interest. You have always steered me in the direction of healthy behaviors. So, once Your collar is on, and after my own anger or high emotions have seeped away naturally - as they always do - and always quicker than I could have ever imagined was possible... that is when I get wrapped up in this amazing thing: clarity.

Suddenly, I can review my actions, my choice of words and I can look at the situation with some real perspective. I can ask myself the difficult questions like: "Could I have handled that better?" "Did I speak to Her respectfully?" "Did She have a point?" "Is She right?". But there is no mindlessness here. And, there is no blind obedience or doormat submission. No. There is grown-up thought. There is honest and frank self-examination. There is a whole lot of question and answer.

When I'm finished with a time-out. I usually feel calm. I'm breathing. I'm not anxious and I'm not feeling an unhealthy urge to kiss up to you or to placate you. No, what I'm usually feeling is contrition. A sensation of awareness over the ways I behaved badly - not behaved badly just as Your slave, Your submissive, Your little girl - but behaved badly in general as well. And sometimes, when I come downstairs, my opinion of whatever we were discussing has changed. And... sometimes, when I come downstairs, my opinion has not changed. But what has changed is my attitude, my energy, and my level of self-awareness (which is greater).

I know how important and valuable this new tool has been with our communication and with deepening the energy of our dynamic. I know how critical it is that I do not plug my ears and mentally go "lalalalala" (non-literally of course) when You order a time out.

Yesterday, the conversation got intense, and You ordered me up for a 15 minute time out. I didn't go. I stalled and tried to keep You talking because I was in that intense headspace where I was sure if I could just word myself properly and explain how well I understood You that everything would be instantly better (which should really have been my sure sign that I NEEDED a time out). It isn't that I intended to blatantly disobey You. I guess I was hoping You'd change Your mind. But. I did disobey You. You did order the time out. And, through stalling and re-engaging You in conversation, I 'avoided' following that order.

Yes, we worked the conversation out. We got to a healthy place with it. But it took a lot longer than it would have, had I obeyed You. I don't like feeling like I disobeyed a direct order. That's a horrible feeling for me, and I know must have felt beyond frustrating and disappointing for You. I am aware that our dynamic doesn't look like other peoples'. I am aware that sometimes people look at us and don't see an Owner and Her owned. We have playfulness between us. We have mushy, smushy moments. We tease. We play with bratty little girl energy. We have fun. And sometimes that line gets blurry and I miss when it's time to listen, and obey. And that is a problem. Because the goal we both have for this amazing and powerful relationship of power exchange, of dominance and submission, of Daddy and little girl, of Owner and owned.... is that we know where that line is... and when it counts... that You can trust that I will obey. That I will trust. That I will have faith.

I know that when I fail in this, it is incredibly disappointing to You, and I hate that I let You down in this way yesterday.

My beloved Owner, I am so sorry that I disobeyed You yesterday. I will strive to make sure I never do it again.

With all my love, trust, and faith,
Your little girl

Sunday Devotional

I was reminded last night how very lucky I am to have such a loving and trustworthy Owner.

As my Daddy, She is my everything, full of praise but not afraid to discipline me when I need it. She is the one whose approval I need when I accomplish something. She is the One I trust to protect me and keep me safe. She is the holder of my heart.

As my Owner, She is my very breath. She looks after my well-being as a whole, ensuring that I do not run away from things I am afraid of, making me step outside my "little box", my comfort zone, encouraging me and making sure that I do not back down from all the wonderful things that can happen in my future if I let them. She holds me accountable to a high standard of behavior because She knows the person I want to be, and so She helps make me aware when I backslide and She helps push me when I need it so that I can be even better.

My Syr. My Wife, My Best Friend, and My Very Own Butch™... my Beloved.

Yes, I am a very lucky girl indeed.

I timed myself out.

So, my Owner is angry with me right now. And She has a right to be.

She walked away. Is taking a bath. She didn't time me out, but I realized very shortly after I heard Her running the bath, that I clearly needed one. So, I toddled up to the bedroom, away from distractions, to think and write and consider.

I had just a couple days ago posted about being a bad listener and wanting to work on that. Yet, when my Owner tried to tell me that's exactly what I was just doing, I was SURE I wasn't. So sure. Much more sure than I had any right to be given that I am aware that listening is something I need to work very hard at. If my Owner is pointing out that I'm not listening... then I need to trust Her.

And I wasn't.

I assumed I had it all figured out. Once again, I was so sure that She had me all wrong.. that She was so far off. Yet, is She ever?

*sigh*

Not usually.

No, usually She's right on. And, while I don't want to think I was trying to take over the conversation by asking a question to clarify - it may be true that on some level I was trying to "steer" or "control" the conversation which is an unconscious impulse that I am aware I sometimes do. Old programming and past abuse stuff. And who knows me better than anyone? She does.

*hangs head*

So here I sit, ashamed of myself for once again behaving badly because... once again... in the moment I was convinced that I was right.

Lifestyle D/s is more than collars and cuffs. More than rules and consequences. It's more than "yes Syr" and "please may I?" It's trust. It's trust so deep that you go to it before you fall back into old patterns. It's trusting even when everything in you says "noooo you must be wrong!". It's faith.

And I falter in this area, regularly. I trust my beloved Owner more than I've ever trusted any other human being on this earth. More than blood relatives. More than my closest friends - though I trust them a lot. I trust Her with my breath and my body, and even most importantly - with my mental health and my future.

I need to remember this trust when I start to get angsty and irritable. I take on this snotty know-it-all personality in these moments of absent trust and it's not a pretty side of me, folks, let me tell you. Not pretty at all. She called me on it and I shot back with something really unpleasant.

And here I sit, ashamed and bummed out that I let that uglier side of me get the better of me once again.

Trust, faith. By Goddess, She has earned these from me. She has proven that She can be trusted with the most tender and vulnerable sides of me. She has earned my trust and my love through personal hardship and working with me through so many very difficult and challenging things. She has never betrayed my trust in any way, ever.

And yet I betray Hers when I fail to recognize what She knows... and what She sees.

More things for me to think about, I see. And much more for me to work on.

Bad listener

I am starting to realize that, in general, I am a terrible listener. A combination of poor communication skills, short attention span, hyperactivity, and occasional insecurities seems to make me try way too hard to be heard. The unfortunate result of this whole trying too hard thing is that I end up dominating conversations with repetitiveness while managing to feel misunderstood at the same time. This creates a whole lot of unpleasant pitfalls for whomever I am trying too communicate with.

I wish I could push a button and instantly be better at this. I would do well to just talk a bit less. Sounds easy, but it always ends up being so hard.

So after thoroughly frustrating my Owner, and a 15 minute time out where I have to disengage.... NOW I get the point She was originally trying to make.

There is value in learning to shut the fuck up. Gotta work way more on that than I have been.

Sunday Devotional

It's been an interesting week!

For the most part, things have been fairly quiet and calm. I am still blowng off the last vestiges of the ick that got me just before last weekend. I have had a few nights of rough sleep. But most of my days this last week have been really good. When I reviewed my state of mind spreadsheet, it looks like the first half of the day was a bit rougher than the second half and that appears to mostly be because of still feeling physically under the weather.

The second half of the week was AMAZING, at least partly because we had some really ... really.. fantastic sex!  

One night, Syr put me on my knees in front of Her and ordered me to close my eyes. I didn't know what She had planned. I knew She wanted to fuck me, but I didn't know there was anything else in the works. But She really surprised me! When I heard the gloves being pulled on, I knew and I have to admit that my eyes fluttered open, mostly in surprise. Syr found that amusing and I think She enjoyed my nervousness when I saw the box of needles, and alcohol swabs, and the sharps container.

She put a few needles in each breast, not a lot. And then She fucked my mouth with Her cock. I was floaty from the needle-induced endorphins and that was so erotic. The way She tangled Her hands in my hair and held me where She wanted me so She could slide Her cock in and out of my mouth while I gripped Her thighs, digging my nails in. She ordered me up on the bed and left the needles in when She first started to fuck me. They started getting in her way, though, so She took them out after just a few minutes. They were in Her way because She just COVERS me when She fucks me. Her whole body engulfs me. She wraps an arm under my head and presses her body into mine and drives me wild with crushing kisses while She drives into me again and again. So needles in my breasts would have just gotten Her poked! ;)  It was amazing and it had been a while thanks to the stupid medical issue. But it was wonderful to feel so thoroughly taken again!

The very next night, at our usual bedtime, She came up to get into bed but I wanted Her so badly I started begging. She started it, really, because She laid along my back and was grinding Her hips against me, making me relive all those delicious moments from the night before. So I begged... and begged. And She gave in... and I was so grateful!  Believe me!  We had a wonderful and ridiculously intense quickie (not sure sex that good should even qualify as a quickie!) and then She put me to bed.

And it was only two nights later that She teased me in the grocery store about taking me home and putting needles in my back!  Needles in my back is something I've only ever done with Her, and it's very scary for me. It's partly scary because I can't see anything as it's happening, and because I can't distract myself with watching what she's doing or just looking at Her like I can when She puts needles in my breasts. So, my senses are heightened I think and I know I just have to lie there and be still. She put in the most I've ever had at a time - 12.  It may not seem like much to people who do needle play a lot, but for me, that was intense! I'd tended in the past to have usually 4-6 at a time. And with them going in my back it seemed especially intense. Once they were all in, I wanted to float on the sensations for a while, so I asked if She could leave them in for a bit. Since I was up to leaving them for a while longer, She got out some embroidery floss and weaved a pretty design around the needles. It was gorgeous!  She had a nice time. Afterward, there was no sex for me. My Owner was sleepy and it was time for bed.

So three realy intense and wonderful experiences this week have left me pretty little for most of the week and far more aware of my behaviour than otherwise. I'm really grateful to my Owner for giving me so much of Her attention in this way... it's made me feel really wonderful.

Cranky Girl

I'm a cranky girl this morning.

My annoying medical issue is even more annoying lately and to top that off I came down with some kind of cold/flu type thing that has just been kicking my butt for several days, now. I'm not feeling well and my nerves, the physical and the emotional ones, seem extra sensitive.

I do think I'm starting to get better because my head feels a little tiny bit clearer but the clearness seems to be coming and going. I had my appointment this morning and when I got home I came fairly promptly upstairs with my cup of tea and put my Owner's collar on and folded the laundry and picked up a few little things in the bedroom, which did seem to ground me a bit more.  I'm hopeful that I can stay mindful throughout the day and not let my bad mood get in front of me when I speak to Syr. I find I have been getting a bit snippier this week already and I'd hate to see that get out of control. So, I'm going to do what I can to be extra mindful today.

Other than that, I don't really have a lot to report, because the last week seems to have been mostly about just not feeling very well!

What a week!

It's Sunday Devotional time...

Syr and I talked about me using part of this time to review my last week of my "State of Mind" spreadsheet. I don't know that I've talked about that, here, but I will now so that I have some context to explain what I was reviewing.

So, Syr realized that a lot of times I don't seem to be aware of the patterns around my moods - what affects good and bad moods, what affects my headspace and most of all - that even days where we have an argument aren't necessarily horrible days in and of themselves. She came up with the idea - mostly because I have such a linear sort of mind - that I should create a spreadsheet to track each day and the things that affect it. The spreadsheet has been going on since January and my routine generally is that I get up in the morning before Syr and go downstairs, spend some time with our bird and update my spreadsheet for the previous day. This tool is primarily for me, not for Syr - so She just expects me to do it and believes I will start to notice patterns - what things seem to happen on "good days" and "bad days" so that I can see the relation of these things to how I perceive how good or not the day was...

The first couple of months I would rate my work day and my 'at home' time using a "good" "bad" "average" sort of rating. Then I had a bunch of columns of possible things that happen on any given day (good and bad) and would just put a Y for yes that thing happened or a N for no it didn't .... so as you can imagine... the spreadsheet got HUGE. And, because I'm linear, I noticed that I only thought about the stuff in the columns. I didn't spend a lot of time trying to add columns (or remove them) so I got sort of locked in to the options I saw. Also, I noticed that I never really wanted to call a day "bad". I tend to have an optimistic personality so I never used bad and found myself slanting everything slightly positively.

So, I asked Syr if it would be okay if I changed it up a bit, She was completely fine with it - surprisingly what i found I needed was a *less* Linear type spreadsheet. The new one gives me a space to rate (from 1-10) my time at work, my at home time, and my overall day. I find I'm more honest with this numerical system and have logged a day as low as a 4 or 5 whereas I would have called that "average" before. Then... instead of columns with preset 'things' that could have affected my day, I just have a bunch of columns that say "affected my day" and in each I'll type something I THINK may have affected my day for good or bad - anything significant or memorable. I like this new format and feel like it puts me in the position to really think about what contributed to how I saw my day, good or bad.

So now my job on Sunday's is to review the last week of entries... and I highlight the days that seemed particularly good (in green) and then highlighted in green the things I noted that affected my day that i think contributed to it being an especially good day. I also highlighted the days that seem particularly bad (in red) and highlighted in red the things that I think contributed to that day being especially bad.

I found this review process really helpful this morning - and it's the first Sunday morning I've done it. I noticed that the only two days I rated a 5 or lower, I was TOTALLY hormonal, having serious cramps, and just generally cranky - PLUS on one of those days I got some unpleasant medical news (I'm fine but dealing with a medical issue that's been inconvenient and annoying and found out I will be dealing with it for at least the next couple months, probably longer). So of COURSE my mood would be off.

Amazingly though, there were no fights between us to make note of. I found that interesting because I would have noted it if we had had even a minor disagreement where I felt tense - and there were none. This is especially cool because we've both had an unnusually stressful week. I got my medical news AND was pmsing like you know what... and my Owner was dealing with some crazy work drama that had the potential to be VERY stressful.

So, I'm actually feeling pretty proud of myself this morning. I obviously handled my moods appropriately for the most part and didn't take things out on my Owner.... and She obviously also took into account the things affecting us and was probably more patient with me overall as a result. I love seeing all this proof of the healthy ways I've learned to deal with life in general. Feels pretty good.

I have been noticing that I've been really craving some intense D/s time lately, though. Our sex life has been negatively impacted in a big way by my annoying medical issue - but I'm craving that sensation of being little in the slavey way vs. the little girl way. I don't know that I'm craving any specific manifestation of that energy. I would love a good beating, or some intense edgey play but I don't feel fixated on anything specific.

Last night, just before bed, my Owner was standing over me, Her hands on my throat and face, in my hair.... she ran Her fingers along my lips, parting them slightly teasing me but not letting me suck on Her fingers... She covered my mouth and nose and took my breath from me, twice.... and whispered low in my ear that it was bedtime. Perhaps this moment reminded me how much I have been missing moments *like* these ones - and the longer scenes and playtimes together as well.  In that way, the moment was a big tease! But I don't think it was entirely unintentional on my Owner's part to tease me in just that way. She does quite enjoy when I am wanting and aching for Her....

Sunday afternoon - Brief Thoughts

I needed to do my devotional later in the day, today, than usual because my Owner was still in bed until it was time for me to run a necessary errand. So, here I am, early Sunday Afternoon - wearing my Owner's collar and contemplating my place. ;)

I have to admit that while this week has been a whirlwind of a bunch of different things, I have noticed that the effectiveness of the "time outs" are really noticeable. For example, twice yesterday we started to get into some unpleasantness. My emotions were getting out of hand and my tone was off during a disagreement so She sent me up here for 15 minutes on two separate occasions. BOTH times, when I came up to the bedroom, I was furious. BOTH times, I felt calm and settled by the time I returned to Her and we were able to continue our conversations normally.  It is really noticeable what a difference a little bit of quiet time to breathe and calm myself can be. I become so much more rational and reasonable!

It's helpful to know that She has a Toppy tool She can use subtly (when privacy is an issue), to keep things from getting out of hand and to allow space for a reminder for me to be more mindful of my behaviour. I'm really grateful for it.

Sunday morning musings

My Owner and I have been having an interesting week.

A lot of things are starting to come together for us. Among them are a few really exciting opportunities for new hobbies and exciting work things for me that will reduce my daily stress level and leave me more time and energy to pursue my dreams. These things are potentially life altering, life transforming sort of things. I don't want to get into any great detail here but suffice to say that the Universe, as always, is taking care of us.

What's great is the way that working on these various projects and changes is giving me new ways to get outside of the little box (read: my comfort zone) that I am used to hangng out in (and hanging on TO for dear life). I'm experiencing what an exhilerating feeling it can be to venture outside of my usual boundaries and explore what's out there in the big, big world. It's kind of like a really intense roller coaster - both scary and exciting at the same time.

I feel like I am in another big growth spurt. I can envision a variety of possibilities for my future, now - whereas before I was sort of on a very linear and mundane track... trudging along, complacent to live the future I thought was "expected" of me. Expected by whom? I don't know.

Other interesting things from this week...

I got hit by some sudden flashbacky type memories and thoughts and emotions over my ex-Master. He was a significant part of my life for several years and the years were during a pretty formative part of my life. We're Facebook friends (what does that even mean, really?) and I've been noticing that some really wonderful things have been happening in his life. He has what looks to be a very loving and happy marriage with his wife/slave. He has a second slave who he seems to also have a very loving and romantic relationship with who I think now lives in his home. He has a third that I don't think he has officially collared yet and who does not live in his home but appears to be a very significant part of his life.  This sort of poly family embedded with D/s was always something he strived for - a loving family where the members of his household get along well and respect each other. It seems (from the outside anyway) that he has that. He also now owns his own home and it seems pretty nice. It looks like he got everything he always wanted. And I was filled with this huge sensation of happiness for him.

But, at the same time, I was also filled with all these mixed emotions and weird feelings. I would have never been happy in that life. Poly was something that had some wonderful happy times for me, but it was not necessarily a lifestyle I would have chosen. There were things about it I loved - like the sense of family and togetherness and belonging. But, there were things about it that I hated, too - like not being the only slave, the only love.  I knew this about myself on some level even back then - but Poly was something that allowed me to find fulfillment for different parts of myself. I had a primary partner who I was very attached to (in unhealthy ways) but who did not meet all (or even half) of my needs. But I couldn't bring myself to walk away from her. I craved D/s - and my ex-Master met that need in the capacity that He was able. I longed to explore the butch/femme dynamic - and had opportunities to date and explore with people because of the open and honest nature of my relationships. All of these things were lovely in their own way - and without any one of them, I might have felt very out of sorts. So Poly gave me the opportunity to experience these things in an honest way.

But, there was lot of heartbreak as well. I had expectations of my Poly partners that just didn't make sense within the context of polyamorous lifestyles. I wanted to feel unique and special and get my (un)fair share of time and attention from each of them. I found myself locking away my most intimate self from all of them because none of them ever made me feel 100% safe - not because they didn't try - but because I just wasn't going to ever feel safe in a polyamorous lifestyle. It wasn't a good fit for me. I am a monogomous type of girl. And I just wasn't brave enough to say that - and lose these people - each of whom brought something that felt much needed to my life.

So, seeing all this wonderful stuff happening for my ex-Master had me sort of thinking about all that stuff all over again. And with it came this sudden onslaught of guilt... like I had somehow used these people back then to fill my needs without any thought to theirs.

Syr got kinda mad at me about that.... or maybe, more accurately, frustrated. I've grown so much and yet one little line of thought can make me undermine myself and all of that growth. And, as She reminded me...  they were all using me too in the same way. It doesn't make any of those involved bad people and doesn't speak to their worth as human beings- or mine. The reality is that I must have filled some need for them in the same way they filled a need for me if they chose to stay involved with me despite my confusion and 'neediness' at the time.  And, as She also pointed out, they each had their own dysfunctions or unhealthy tendencies too. It's not like anything bad that happens in past relationships is automatically all my fault.

I explained to Her that sometimes, when I look back at the girl I used to be... before (as we like to joke about) Syr installed my backbone... I feel this sense of disdain and frustration and, yes, guilt.  It's that sensation of "if I only knew now what I knew then.." 

And when it comes to my ex-Master, I think - if I only knew now, what I knew then.... I would have probably been His friend, and we probably would have enjoyed some fun S/M scenes together (as friends), and I would have respected Him as a Top and Dominant and called Him Sir and enjoyed being around His energy, but when it came to becoming a member of His household or taking His collar, I would have said no. I would have said no because I do not have the personality to be happy in Poly. I would have said no because ultimately, I am not attracted to men - and my attraction to him had to do with his Dominance and not always him as a person. I would have said no because I deserved to find someone who could be my friend, my Dominant, my Lover, my Partner, and fill all my needs - not just one little part of me. And maybe, if I had known all these things and said no - both of us would have had a little less hurt in our lives.

BUT - as I like to remind myself regularly, without the hurts and the disappointments, and the let-downs, and the heartbreaks - where would the growth come from? I learned a great deal about what I actually want and need in a partner and in a Dominant from what I wasn't getting from my ex-girlfriend, my ex-Master, and former more casual relationships. I learned that I could be a submissive and still be myself - be true to myself - and have that be enough - that I didn't need to remake my personality to be pleasing to my Dominant.

My Owner taught me so much of this by helping me tiptoe carefully through my memories to see what could be learned. She taught me that it's okay to want or need things that your partner can't give you and that sometimes that just means that you're not with the right partner. She taught me about taking ownership of my feelings and behaviours and She taught me how to communicate my needs. She reassured me that communicating in a respectful way and asking for more of things I feel I need or less of things I feel aren't working isn't "topping from the bottom"  - it's helping Her by giving Her the information She needs.

I've come a very long way. I am so much different than who I was back then. And maybe that's hard to reconcile in my head sometimes, but that doesn't mean that it wasn't all part of the same long, beautiful journey. I wish my ex-Master nothing but joy and happiness. And I don't regret a moment of my past (or His) that helped bring us each to finding exactly what we always dreamed of.

Sunday Mornings

My Owner and I have discovered that Sundays tend to be very difficult days for me, mood-wise. It's been a challenge over the last few years to find a way to combat this unhealthy pattern I have of being combative and intense on Sundays. There's a lot of abuse in my past and we think we know why I have dreaded Sundays and seem to be in a bad mood that day of the week - but it still needs to be addressed, no matter the reason for the mood.

For a while, Syr had me doing Sunday Adventures. Sunday Adventures were basically intended to be an activity that I would choose with a $20 budget where Syr and I could go do something fun. The idea was to insert something positive to look forward to about Sundays. It worked!  Well, it worked for a long time. But after a while, as Sunday Adventures became an expectation (as they were intended), a different sort of energy started to surround them.

Instead of looking forward to Sunday Adventures, I began focusing my energy on making sure they happened - no matter what. My energy shifted from feeling grateful for them, to feeling entitled to them.... and that wasn't very healthy. I started to get cranky and intense on Sundays again, but now it was that I would get cranky if I thought anything might interfere with my Sunday Adventure. So, Sunday Adventures had to be scrapped.

But the intensity and moodiness of Sundays still needed to be dealt with. So I did some brainstorming and presented a few ideas to my Owner. What we settled on trying was a Sunday morning 'devotional' time. The intent is that I spend 30 minutes upstairs in the bedroom with my Owner's collar on, writing a post to the blog and thinking about our D/s and my role as Her beloved slave. I got pretty enthused about the idea because it is neither reward nor punishment AND inserts an element of 'ritual' into our week - and I always thrive with rituals. And, I figured... starting off the day with a dose of D/s to get my head into a much more respectful and little place would surely help!

And, now Syr has another tool to use if my mood gets off at any other point in the week. Now She can tell me to go do 15 or 30 minutes or whatever upstairs and I know that what She means is to go upstairs, put on Her collar and THINK about my role as Her slave. She can do this even if we're in the middle of an argument.... and she did it once last week - and it worked. I came upstairs and during the 30 minutes I spent thinking of my role as Her slave, I really did settle down.

So, this is my first Sunday devotional time and it feels really nice. It's quiet time for me, quiet time for Her, and I feel little and contained and cared for. I'd say that's a pretty nice way to start off our Sunday. :)

Assignment: About saying "Syr"

My Owner gave me an assignment to write about my bashfulness around calling Her Syr.

To explain...
My Owner and I began our relationship in an environment that allowed for complete privacy. We didn't have to worry about prying eyes or little ears. We had few interruptions. This environment enabled us to have some very simple, basic D/s protocols in place all the time.

For example, I almost always referred to Her as "Syr" when addressing Her.

But, as our relationship developed into one with interruptions, a heck of a lot less privacy, and more mundane concerns - I got pretty shy about it. It's not really a struggle from a respect standpoint. It's like a shyness thing, partially bred of having to be so careful so much of the time. Especially for a while when She was concerned about little ears getting the wrong idea.

I think part of what I struggle with, these days is making the shift from a vanilla form of communication (neccessary for a lot of our day due to privacy issues) to a D/s form of communication without a sudden and jarring drop to facilitate it. If my Owner drops me in the usual ways, then it's not so hard at all. But if I'm having trouble making the transition, I get super shy about saying "Syr".

For years before my Owner... I would get a thrill... a big one about of being ordered or made to address a Dominant properly. I suppose that still has its impact and maybe sometimes I stall (out of habit) for that reason. But I do really think that most of the time it is a headspace transition issue. I seem to have the hardest time when I have been in vanilla or little girl space and am suddenly finding that my Owner wants me in submissive space.

There's a lot of factors, for sure, and I think there is definitely some pro-activity lacking on my part. I don't initiate the shift to D/s space. I think that's got its origin in the same place as the part of me that needs to not initiate or be in control when it comes to sexual play. I just need to know someone else is in charge in those moments.

It's something to think about, for sure. And I'll be doing some more thinking about it.

Combative Energy

My Owner gave me an assignment for today. I was to meditate, yoga, and meditate some more - and then write about a topic of Her choosing: Combative Energy.

Well it certainly makes sense that She would want me to mediate first.... to get into a more contemplative head-space before tackling a more intense topic.

Usually, when She assigns a topic like this, it's because She wants to see "stream of consciousness" style writing - without a lot of editing or second guessing. Making sure that I'm first in a receptive frame of mind probably opens the door to better or clearer thinking, which may allow for greater insights. Guess we'll see.

I think that, by combative energy, Syr is referring to a particular mindset I get at times - fairly regularly - whenever something is going on that has me feeling at least a little bit intense.

This mindset usually involves a way of communicating I take on that is really negative. It's not mean or necessarily rude, it's more that I tend to communicate entirely in "no's" if that makes sense. I don't actually say "no". I imply a negative frame of mind or a non-supportive or argumentative stance by throwing up objections, asking questions intended to put Her on the defensive.

When I say "intended", that is how the questions are worded. It isn't my conscious intention to put Her on the defensive, but that's exactly what happens.

Example:

Syr: "Do you want to go to the store?"
me: "What for? Why do we need to go to the store?"

A non-combative energy response might look like this instead:

Syr: "Do you want to go to the store?"
me: "I'm not really feeling up to going out. If we need something, though, I'm up for making a quick trip." (or something like that).

I don't know. To me that second one still sounds a little combative. I think that's because anytime the answer to a question is truthfully "no", I don't really know how to handle that. As in, I don't know how to say no without feeling intense about it. I think that's a big part of where the intensity comes in. Because I'm uncomfortable providing a no-type answer, I feel uncomfortable about anything I'm saying, so I try to avoid saying no by challenging the question, rather than just being honest. This seems to stem from an issue I have (in general) with being blunt with my opinion if I think the other person wants to hear something different.

Syr is incredibly reasonable. She rarely gets annoyed or frustrated if I don't want to do something She wants to do. She likes the things we do to be mutually agreed upon when it comes to day to day type things. Obviously, as my Owner, there are things She will ask me to do that I don't really get a say in, but even then if there is a legitimate reason why I need to delay or can't do what I'm asked, She will always listen and make the decision best for me in the long run.

So, why am I so uncomfortable just saying words like "no" - unless I am being over-the-top playful/obviously bratty etc? That's an interesting question.

It obviously stems from not ever feeling like I was allowed to as a young person (long family history stuff there). That's the logical conclusion.

So, what do I do about it? This comes down to a situation where I am once again throwing eggshells at my own feet. The reality is, if Syr were to say "Do you want to go to the store?" and I were to say (politely) "No." and not say another word, She'd probably inquire as to why. I don't think She'd be annoyed with me. Where annoyance (and combative energy) seems to come into play is when I say "No, I mean I've had a long day and you know work was tough, and I'm still sick and I'd really rather stay home and and and and..."

Because, then it puts Her on the defensive. If I simply say no, She would surely follow up to ask why or if I'm feeling okay or whatever afterward - right?  Funny, even writing this down I don't feel confident. LOL No is just hard for me. So I seem to say everything else BUT, and that comes across so much worse. Because as SOON as I do that, Syr will get frustrated and then I'll panic that I've done something wrong and get defensive and it all goes downhill from there.

She does blunt all the time with me and it works just fine. Sometimes I get a little huffy about it, but it is usually just a tiny little blip and we move on and either discuss it further or we drop it and do something else.

Combative energy doesn't only rear its ugly head when I want to say effectively "no" to something, though. That's just one example.

Other times/ways it comes out is if I am feeling angsty in general. Sometimes this is because I have a particular expectation about something - like I got myself fixated on a particular activity, or goal for the day/evening and something Syr has said has indicated that She's taking us in a different direction, so I'll get generally combative and (not entirely consciously) throw up objections or ask the objection-ish questions like in my examples above.....

I've written about this in the past because it's that whole letting go of control thing. If I've gotten an expectation about something, or become fixated on how my day is going to play out - I'll get combative when She takes over (hello! that's Her job!) and steers us in a different direction. It's rarely, if ever, because I don't like the direction She's taking us in - it's usually because it's Her steering now instead of me, and I don't shift gears very well.

Last night is a good example. I didn't realize it at the time, but I'd gotten fixated on how the evening was going to play out. I didn't realize HOW fixated until way later when I got some distance from my bout of combative behaviour. Syr was feeling very sleepy and was steering the evening in a different direction - which is Her right and privilege as my Owner.....  and I was struggling with shifting. I unintentionally made some remarks that showed that deep down I was trying to "get us back on track". She called me on it and I denied it. I really didn't think that's what I'd been doing! But after the subject was dropped and everything was going well, I realized I was grumpy in general because my evening wasn't going how I'd planned and that's when I realized She'd been right all along.

In the end, though, we ended up snuggling together in bed and watching a show that was interesting and funny. I really enjoyed the quiet time with Her. Letting Her steer the remainder of the evening didn't hurt. It was pretty pleasurable. I just had to let go of that need to control.

It's so difficult to explain how all the things that Syr does to try to boost my confidence and make me a stronger person are so effective BECAUSE I am able to give up control. When I am grappling for control - that part of me that wants me to grapple that is - I am at my unhealthiest. When I release and let go, surrender and submit, I transform into the me I want to be. I become confident in healthy ways in the areas of my life where I want to be confident and self-possessed.  I am more self-aware and feel healthy and handle my emotions much better. When I grasp for control (whether I get it or not), I am not in a good place. Combative energy - that type of behaviour is a warning sign that I'm behaving in an unhealthy way.... because all the combative energy comes from a sudden 'urge' to be in control. And those urges don't spring from a healthy place in me. They come from a long history of abuse that I am working very hard to overcome.

And so, I've learned some things - as is usually the case when Syr gives me something to write (and think) about. :)

Thank You, Syr!

Charmed

The Guesthouse

 

This being human is a guesthouse
Every morning a new arrival
A joy, a depression, a meanness
Some momentary awareness
Comes as an unexpected visitor

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows
Who violently sweep your house
Empty of its furniture
Still treat each guest honorably
He may be cleaning you out
For some new delight!

The dark thought, the shame, the malice
Meet them at the door laughing
And invite them in
Be grateful for whoever comes
Because each has been sent
As a guide from the beyond

by Rumi

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

I feel as though I have been adrift in a sea of uncontrollable circumstances, lately. I have met worry and sadness, disappointment and hurt, and faced a variety of tumultuous events one after the other in the last few weeks.

 

Through it all, I have remained anchored in the simple sweetness and security of my place in my Owner's life and at Her feet.

 

During the most troubling times, I have found solace in the feel of a stinging slap, the carpet imprints on my knees, the textured fabric of Her collar around my neck, and the weight of the cuff and chain at my ankle when I sleep.

 

I have faced heartbreak and fears of abandonment by loved ones who do not have space in their lives for me, but also the comfort and joy of a strong family at home. Our little family - so secure and loving, trustworthy and communicative - is my home base, and my anchor.

 

There have not been only unpleasant things of late. There has also been love - so much of it, and connection, unity and celebration for all that we have - which is all that we need. Whatever losses, dissapointments, and hurts I have experienced are small when compared to this Big Love that I am so blessed with.

 

I dedicate this post to the purity and power of love, devotion, faith, honour, and the One in my life - my beloved Owner - whose presence reminds me every day that I lead a charmed life, indeed.

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

Two Forms, One Soul

Happy is the moment, when we sit together,
With two forms, two faces, yet one soul,
you and I.

The flowers will bloom forever,
The birds will sing their eternal song,
The moment we enter the garden,
you and I.

The stars of heaven will come out to watch us,
And we will show them
the light of a full moon –
you and I.

No more thought of "you" and "I."
Just the bliss of union –
Joyous, alive, free of care, you and I.

All the bright-winged birds of heaven
Will swoop down to drink of our sweet water –
The tears of our laughter, you and I.

What a miracle of fate, us sitting here.
Even at the opposite ends of the earth
We would still be together, you and I.

We have one form in this world,
another in the next.

To us belongs an eternal heaven,
the endless delight of you and I.

by Rumi

 

 

 

Re-balancing

Life has been... nuts ... lately.

 

I haven't gone anywhere.

 

My Owner and I are still doing good... great even. Some new things have fallen into place lately. Syr has a day job again (after a three year hunt!) and it's an AMAZING job... so perfect for Her in every way.

 

Her other job was starting to just zap all of Her energy, and time.... and we were certainly falling into a bit of a rut. There were other circumstances too - some dental stuff Syr was dealing with, and stresses I've been dealing with as well at work and healing stuff from my past.

 

It's all coming together and things are feeling like they're headed in a super healthy and amazing direction.

 

I'm looking forward to going away with Syr in a couple weeks. We're spending a few nights away at a resort to unwind and recharge - and reconnect. Three nights of privacy.... and not a lot planned.... there's some potential for interesting things to post about later, I'd say.

Rode hard, put away wet

"Rode hard, put away wet" - I really love that saying. It just sounds dirty in all the wonderful, wonderful ways that something can.

This is exactly what I feel like this weekend, too. And it was completely unexpected!

Both my Owner and I have been a not-so-fun combination of sick and hormonal for what feels like several weeks! We weren't completely over all our stuff but we were certainly on the mend. But, rest assured, I had NO expectations for some hot, sweaty sex anytime soon....

And then Saturday happened.

Oh, Saturday....

We had this unexpected stretch of complete and total privacy at home. Not the kind of privacy that you don't know how long it's going to last but some pretty solid privacy. Still, I didn't think we were (either of us) in the mood for anything naughty.

I had no intentions of enticing or seducing my Owner (honest! no... seriously! I wasn't even in the mood), but there was something kind of fun about knowing I could safely be naked just for the heck of it. Syr and I were planning to head off to run a couple of errands and I was just hanging out upstairs, buck naked, when Syr came up to get changed.

There was no immediate pouncing but there was a wee bit of snuggling while She just enjoyed me being naked. There may have been a wee bit of bratting, and perhaps a challenge, which then turned into a playful spanking...

Which then turned into a far more serious spanking. My Owner's bare hands on my bare bottom is my absolute favourite kind of spanking. No worries about the sounds of the stinging slaps so we both got quite involved in it. Before long, She was balling up Her hands into fists and punching the fleshy parts of my ass which just ... really gets me going. It creates this deep, thuddy sensation which wakes EVERYTHING up...

So THEN... i was in the mood. And, apparently, so was She.

Before I knew what was happening, my Owner had slipped on Her cock, and some lube, and Her finger was sliding into my ass.

This is still a relatively new area of exploration for us, but one thing is certain. Ass play of any kind makes me feel insanely vulnerable and ridiculously little... and that is an effect that my Owner absolutely... positively LOVES. She enjoyed every whimper She could pull out of me with Her finger moving inside me in this way. I was trembling with vulnerability and the intensity of what I was feeling. It was luscious and frightening in all the best ways.

Still, I was almost grateful when She replaced Her finger with the plug, seating it firmly in my ass. But then, She pulled me up onto my knees, and drove Her cock into me from behind.

And I felt so full and taken, every sensation was magnified ten fold. And the best part, was there was no one else home. I didn't have to keep too quiet. I am naturally noisy, so being able to really let loose vocally just made everything seem even more intense. She fucked me like this, the plug deep in my ass, while I was on all fours... and then She flipped me on my back and fucked me from the angle that allows Her to climax as well.

She used me, hard, and I felt so taken and owned and it was all so overwhelmingly delicious!

We managed to still get out for our errands, but it was less than eight hours later, when She went for round two! A repeat of earlier that afternoon, though ultimately much gentler, since I was sore and tender. And afterward, all I remember, was falling into the deepest oblivion of sleep.

Oh yes.... I was definitely rode hard.... and put away wet. And it was... FANTASTIC!

Out of control

You know, the hardest moments to stay grounded in the reality that I am owned and not in control, are the moments that I most desperately want to "feel" (note: not actually "be") in control.

 

Several times a year, at approximately the same time, I become very.... volatile. This seems to happen around the major holidays - Thanksgiving, Christmas.... and my birthday. Since the latter is just around the corner, and I happen to also be extremely hormonal, AND recently emotionally triggered, you can just imagine that I am a whole lotta fun right now. Oh my poor Owner.

 

See, when I feel out of sorts or out of control of my own mind and/or emotions - I seem to grasp for control anywhere I (think I) can get it. This means that I don't want to agree with anyone, for any reason - most especially the One who has all the Control... because I want to be the one in control (except I don't really). Is this confusing to you? Yeah, it's confusing to me too.

 

So far, I have succeeded in not picking a fight, which is pretty impressive since what I really want to do is let all those whirling emotions out somehow and picking a fight has tended to be the salve of choice to my wounded psyche in times like these. It's not a healthy outlet for either of us and I certainly don't do it intentionally but it makes a twisted sort of sense that when I'm fighting against feelings around not being in control that the One in Control would be the target of all that emotion.... so it was a status quo sorta thing that used to happen. And, to my Owner's credit, She has always had the insight and patience to recognize where this behaviour was coming from - and was able to help me come to grips with it after (and sometimes during) these episodes - which I suppose is a large part why it's easier for me to recognize and be aware of it now.

 

And so, as I mentioned, I've managed to avoid doing that, mostly by being self-aware enough to recognize my headspace and smart enough to shut up when things seem to start heading in the wrong direction.

 

What I haven't learned how to do, though, is to completely avoid being snippy and combative. Sometimes, this has seemed to amuse Her, and sometimes, annoy Her, but my ability to back off and check myself - even while avoiding backing *down* entirely, has helped to avert disaster. But it leaves me feeling ungrounded and unsettled.

 

What I feel like I want and need is someone to fight with - and lash out at, but not be hurt, so I can let out all the random emotion that's flying around inside of me. I think I feel so safe with Syr, that I tend to want that to be Her. Enter an intense craving for a take-down - a hard ass scene where I fight with everything I have and She overpowers me (physically or psychologically), and puts me in my place, and yanks the tears out of me.

 

The interesting thing is, that as much as I crave it, I also fear it.

So where does that leave me?

The little things...

I find myself noticing, and appreciating small moments between my Owner and I that are interspersed throughout our day. Amid the chaos of running our household and dashing here and there on errands or upkeep of the yard or finances, there are constant reminders of our dynamic, of the interplay of energy between us. In these moments, I often marvel at how something that might seem so innocuous to an outsider, but have enormous significance between us. Like... ~ when we're out shopping and I get a little too bratty or sassy, and She puts Her hand on the back of my neck and gives it a firm, but authoritative squeeze, reminding me of my place. It usually settles me down relatively quickly, and it certainly is powerful. ~ when we're in the car, and She wraps Her hand in the back of my hair and gives it a firm pull, just because. When She does this, it grounds me, settles my energy, and roots me to the earth - and to Her. ~ the way She tucks me into bed at night, not only the obvious moment when She fastens my sleeping collar on my neck, but the caring way she plants light kisses on my forehead right before lights go out. ~ how I always check in with Her after every decision that I have had to make that I normally would have gotten Her approval on - but couldn't for a number of circumstances. This always feels like a bit of a confessional, not of wrong-doing but of admitting that I had to make some decisions and wanted Her approval on what I've done. It's not the telling that is so powerful to me, it is my awareness that I am prepared to hear that I have behaved inappropriately - if that's the case. ~ the eager way that I get excited to share my accomplishments with Her in a "Look what i did, Daddy!" manner. She's always so genuinely proud of me when I do something that She knows is difficult for me, or when I've met a milestone or goal. This genuine pleasure in my success is what makes me feel so eager to please Her in this way. She encourages me, always, to be the strongest, best, me I can be. ~ the way She keeps an eye on me, protectively. She never stifles me in any way, but She is always aware of me and where I am - whether we're in a mall or getting ready to cross the street. To some, this might seem condescending, but I know that She is perfectly aware that I'm capable - and so Her attentiveness makes me feel safe and valued... treasured. Whether She's pointing out an obstacle on the road when I'm driving, placing Her hand in the small of my back when we're in a crowded place (aware of my claustrophobia in crowds), or automatically taking my hand when we cross the street. There are a thousand moments like these peppered throughout the time we spend together. Even when time-shortages or other circumstances prevent us from having as much 'hardcore' D/s time as we might wish, there is never a loss of connection between us, never a moment when I don't feel safe, owned, and loved. When I stop and think about it, these moments are the real 'cement' of our dynamic - and not the times when I am in my formal collar and leash, kneeling at Her feet (no matter how lovely those moments are).

Sleepy Sunday with my Owner

Well.... Sunday was a sleepy, zoney, day. It was warm outside - beautiful actually. Syr had to work from 9:30am to 2:30pm so we were up relatively early (all things considered), and I took Her to work.

 

Once She was at work, I puttered at home a bit, played on my computer, and spent a couple of hours feeling very naughty watching dirty things online... which... made me feel very... VERY naughty. ;)

 

When I picked Her up, the naughty was all over my face so She guessed what I'd been up to VERY quickly (that always amazes me!) but She had a pulled muscle in Her shoulder so I knew She was out of commission (pout).

 

Still, I gave her a long back massage and then we both fell asleep for a nap. It was wone of those warm afternoons that just makes one want to snuggle and rest.

 

After our nap, though, Syr took me to the bathroom and showered me head to toe. I hadn't washed my hair since Thursday morning because I was trying to keep my tattoos fairly dry (they were getting gently washed and salved up about 2x a day to keep them clean but didn't want them too wet) and my Owner always says it's good to let one's hair get good and oily once in a while. The shower was wonderful. It's one of my very very favourite things to do with Her. The way She washes and conditions my hair and washes me all over makes me feel like such a spoiled little slavegirl - I can hardly express how submissive it makes me feel... in that treasured kind of way *happy sigh*.

 

After showertime, we went downstairs to cook up some quick dinner (and Syr did some needed gardening work). We had dinner and then for Sunday adventure went to Dairy Queen for treats.

 

Once back home, we puttered a bit more, and then headed to bed. I knew my Owner was hurting in Her shoulder so knew I wasn't getting any, but She'd said maybe I could put on a show for Her - so I'd planned to do that, but then we were all kissing and I was all wiggly and stuff and She put my hand to Her jeans and I discovered She was packing!!! So that was a squee-moment and we ended up having an AMAZINGLY hot romp, in spite of Her shoulder, and I slept soundly (as a very contented and satiated slave should!)

 

It was a luxurious and indulgent kind of Sunday. *purrr*