My Owner gave me an assignment for today. I was to meditate, yoga, and meditate some more - and then write about a topic of Her choosing: Combative Energy.
Well it certainly makes sense that She would want me to mediate first.... to get into a more contemplative head-space before tackling a more intense topic.
Usually, when She assigns a topic like this, it's because She wants to see "stream of consciousness" style writing - without a lot of editing or second guessing. Making sure that I'm first in a receptive frame of mind probably opens the door to better or clearer thinking, which may allow for greater insights. Guess we'll see.
I think that, by combative energy, Syr is referring to a particular mindset I get at times - fairly regularly - whenever something is going on that has me feeling at least a little bit intense.
This mindset usually involves a way of communicating I take on that is really negative. It's not mean or necessarily rude, it's more that I tend to communicate entirely in "no's" if that makes sense. I don't actually say "no". I imply a negative frame of mind or a non-supportive or argumentative stance by throwing up objections, asking questions intended to put Her on the defensive.
When I say "intended", that is how the questions are worded. It isn't my conscious intention to put Her on the defensive, but that's exactly what happens.
Example:
Syr: "Do you want to go to the store?"
me: "What for? Why do we need to go to the store?"
A non-combative energy response might look like this instead:
Syr: "Do you want to go to the store?"
me: "I'm not really feeling up to going out. If we need something, though, I'm up for making a quick trip." (or something like that).
I don't know. To me that second one still sounds a little combative. I think that's because anytime the answer to a question is truthfully "no", I don't really know how to handle that. As in, I don't know how to say no without feeling intense about it. I think that's a big part of where the intensity comes in. Because I'm uncomfortable providing a no-type answer, I feel uncomfortable about anything I'm saying, so I try to avoid saying no by challenging the question, rather than just being honest. This seems to stem from an issue I have (in general) with being blunt with my opinion if I think the other person wants to hear something different.
Syr is incredibly reasonable. She rarely gets annoyed or frustrated if I don't want to do something She wants to do. She likes the things we do to be mutually agreed upon when it comes to day to day type things. Obviously, as my Owner, there are things She will ask me to do that I don't really get a say in, but even then if there is a legitimate reason why I need to delay or can't do what I'm asked, She will always listen and make the decision best for me in the long run.
So, why am I so uncomfortable just saying words like "no" - unless I am being over-the-top playful/obviously bratty etc? That's an interesting question.
It obviously stems from not ever feeling like I was allowed to as a young person (long family history stuff there). That's the logical conclusion.
So, what do I do about it? This comes down to a situation where I am once again throwing eggshells at my own feet. The reality is, if Syr were to say "Do you want to go to the store?" and I were to say (politely) "No." and not say another word, She'd probably inquire as to why. I don't think She'd be annoyed with me. Where annoyance (and combative energy) seems to come into play is when I say "No, I mean I've had a long day and you know work was tough, and I'm still sick and I'd really rather stay home and and and and..."
Because, then it puts Her on the defensive. If I simply say no, She would surely follow up to ask why or if I'm feeling okay or whatever afterward - right? Funny, even writing this down I don't feel confident. LOL No is just hard for me. So I seem to say everything else BUT, and that comes across so much worse. Because as SOON as I do that, Syr will get frustrated and then I'll panic that I've done something wrong and get defensive and it all goes downhill from there.
She does blunt all the time with me and it works just fine. Sometimes I get a little huffy about it, but it is usually just a tiny little blip and we move on and either discuss it further or we drop it and do something else.
Combative energy doesn't only rear its ugly head when I want to say effectively "no" to something, though. That's just one example.
Other times/ways it comes out is if I am feeling angsty in general. Sometimes this is because I have a particular expectation about something - like I got myself fixated on a particular activity, or goal for the day/evening and something Syr has said has indicated that She's taking us in a different direction, so I'll get generally combative and (not entirely consciously) throw up objections or ask the objection-ish questions like in my examples above.....
I've written about this in the past because it's that whole letting go of control thing. If I've gotten an expectation about something, or become fixated on how my day is going to play out - I'll get combative when She takes over (hello! that's Her job!) and steers us in a different direction. It's rarely, if ever, because I don't like the direction She's taking us in - it's usually because it's Her steering now instead of me, and I don't shift gears very well.
Last night is a good example. I didn't realize it at the time, but I'd gotten fixated on how the evening was going to play out. I didn't realize HOW fixated until way later when I got some distance from my bout of combative behaviour. Syr was feeling very sleepy and was steering the evening in a different direction - which is Her right and privilege as my Owner..... and I was struggling with shifting. I unintentionally made some remarks that showed that deep down I was trying to "get us back on track". She called me on it and I denied it. I really didn't think that's what I'd been doing! But after the subject was dropped and everything was going well, I realized I was grumpy in general because my evening wasn't going how I'd planned and that's when I realized She'd been right all along.
In the end, though, we ended up snuggling together in bed and watching a show that was interesting and funny. I really enjoyed the quiet time with Her. Letting Her steer the remainder of the evening didn't hurt. It was pretty pleasurable. I just had to let go of that need to control.
It's so difficult to explain how all the things that Syr does to try to boost my confidence and make me a stronger person are so effective BECAUSE I am able to give up control. When I am grappling for control - that part of me that wants me to grapple that is - I am at my unhealthiest. When I release and let go, surrender and submit, I transform into the me I want to be. I become confident in healthy ways in the areas of my life where I want to be confident and self-possessed. I am more self-aware and feel healthy and handle my emotions much better. When I grasp for control (whether I get it or not), I am not in a good place. Combative energy - that type of behaviour is a warning sign that I'm behaving in an unhealthy way.... because all the combative energy comes from a sudden 'urge' to be in control. And those urges don't spring from a healthy place in me. They come from a long history of abuse that I am working very hard to overcome.
And so, I've learned some things - as is usually the case when Syr gives me something to write (and think) about. :)
Thank You, Syr!
4 comments:
I run into this rather often with my owner. I don't know if it's the same thing of course, but one of your examples struck a chord. She feels I'm combative when I question her - like if I were to say "why? Do we need something at the store?" in answer to the store question. She'd really just like a polite yes or no. Say, "not really, but I'm happy to go with if you'd like company" (or something like that) My gut reaction is always to question instead of to just answer and she feels like I'm questioning or challenging her. I see that she and yours have a valid point - it's hard to change though!!
Hi meredith!
It sounds pretty similar. It's hard for me to be polite and direct. I explored this more in a conversation with Syr last night. It IS hard to change, for sure.
For me, awareness seems to be the key. The more aware I am of a particular behaviour, the easier it becomes to get that behaviour to settle down/change.
Is there anything that the two of you could use so that your Syr could remind you of this when it happens? Kind of like a correction, but not as a punishment?
We often use something like that when we realise we have a pattern we don't like. When we've figured it out and agreed that we want to change it, we make an agreement of what we will do the next time.
Like, the next time I get stressed out and grumpy with my Mistress, She can point out that "now you're doing that thing we talked about, do this instead" and I get a reminder and an alternative. Since we've talked about it beforehand we don't need to get into it too deeply, and I don't get resentfull and angry, as I do if She corrects me when I don't know what She's talking about....
Maqybe you shouldn't be allowed to answer a question with a question? That you have to answer here question first, as best you can, before you can have one of your own? Of course, that's up to your Syr, but I think that we would have done something like that.
I hope it was okey to make a suggestion? If not, ignore it! :-) I just recognised the pattern and wanted to tell you how we solve similar problems.
C,
Those were good suggestions - thank you! I'm sorry it took so long to reply. I lost track of your comment.
We do a lot of work, reminders and corrections. Lately we've gotten to using a tool where she essentially times me out for a set period of time. This isn't a punishment, it's a "you're getting too wound up and need to take a break". And it seems to be working. Once I get some space and breathing room to think, I usually realize I was out of line.
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