Breakthrough

Wednesday night, my entire world turned upside down for about 12 hours.  It wasn't fun, it was pretty scary, but it was necessary.

The last three or four months had been slowly building up to it, and I think that in large part it was because I was in the midst of a pretty major growth spurt (mental/spiritual growth, that is).  It seems that each time I have a major breakthrough or moment of growth there is a build to it.

In this case, I just wasn't really in a great place. I was testy, sensitive, and defiant when my feelings got hurt (which was easily).  I was being careless about protocols that are important to both of us and rituals that make us both feel good.

And then, it culminated in an argument where it all came crashing down around me in a cascade of reality and a very uncomfortable hard look at my behaviour and what it was doing - to myself, my Owner, our relationship, and our dynamic.

For those excruciating 12 hours, I felt as if I was VERY close to losing the right to wear my Owner's collar, and  I was also faced with the realization that whether or not I actually lost it - or was at risk of losing it - I was certainly not in a position where I could say I believed I deserved to wear it.  It took an enormous amount of resolve and trust in my Owner to NOT offer to give it up.  There was that part of me, so filled with shame over my recent behaviour, that really felt the right thing to do was to kneel at Her feet and hold my wrist up and offer that I understood if She needed to remove it.  And then, I remembered to trust.  I am owned because my Owner has chosen me.  It is not up to me to suggest the removal of Her collar.  It IS up to me to trust and obey Her.  And in that moment, that was the truth I clung to.

The fear and the shame as the full realization of the way I'd been behaving really hit me were pretty overwhelming.  The nature of these emotions was that I was removed of all complacency.  I no longer had the luxury of the status quo.  No, I could take nothing for granted, because I did not know if I would still be Owned in the morning....

And so I was stripped down to some very simple facts -
My Owner loves me.
I love my Owner.
I still wore Her collar.
I needed to listen, trust, and obey.

And those things were all I had left to cling to amongst a hot bed of uncertainty that the argument had brought about.  I knew that if I did not listen... trust... and obey... in this most critical of moments - that the equilibrium of a moment that felt "in between" could be thrown out of balance and I could end up tipping the scales to the side of losing what is so very important to me.

And so, I listened, to some hard truths - things I knew to be true the moment they were out of Her mouth, about the last few months, and why things were the way they were that moment.  I heard the truth of the hurt I caused my beloved Owner, and the truth of the lack of respect I had shown. I heard and I listened - and then I panicked.  I panicked quietly, and closed my eyes to try to sleep when my Owner told me to.... but I barely slept.  I clung to Her throughout the night, so afraid that I was on the brink of losing everything because of my own complacency.

When I woke, it was time to go to work.  And I felt as if I was barely functioning.  I couldn't stop crying... I couldn't pull myself together.  All I felt was fear.

And when I got to the office, in between phone calls and work commitments, I tried to think it all through.  I needed to untangle the mess in my head to get some order into it.... to bring some sense to the fear.  I could feel my thoughts spiraling. Much of my fear was fueled by me imagining what She MIGHT be about to do, and the more I thought about it, the more I replayed the words She'd said, the more frightened I got.

And then, when talking to a friend (in vanilla context) about my fear, she said something pretty wise....

I said, "I'm afraid that I'll fail at making the changes I need to make... I'm afraid I won't make them fast enough and it will be too late."

She replied, simply, "Is today too late?".

The simplicity of her question stunned me OUT of the fear and into productive thinking.  Within an hour or two, I realized that I was over-complicating it.  Especially in light of the power exchange context of our relationship, it was simple.  I needed to listen... trust... obey... and respect my Owner.  And lo and behold, those simple things were what I had clung to in all of my fear.

The foundation has been there all the time, unshaken.  I had lost sight of it, stopped paying as much attention to it as I need to, but it was still there... even when reduced to crippling emotional fear... it was those very things I clung to - those very things that I knew were the right things to do.  My submission is not at the surface... it goes deep... deeper than i ever knew it could... and that depth is specifically linked to my depth of love and trust for my Owner.

And then I realized something else.  The only reason to feel fear (fear I was going to lose Her, lose the right to be owned by Her), was if I was already planning NOT to change my behaviour.  I knew what changes needed to be made.  If I made them - what was there to be afraid of? Nothing. If, however, I was already looking for an excuse not to make the changes - somehow being avoidant - than I had valid reason to be afraid.

And just like that, the fear ... it just evaporated.  It was simple.  I am owned.  I just needed to get back to basics and act like it.  So much of our relationship was on seriously solid ground. Things weren't as dire as they'd seemed the previous night.  But it was time to put up or shut up.  I chose to put up. ;-)

I wish that I could really write well enough to do this breakthrough justice, because it was huge for me - really, really huge.

I have a lot of abandonment and self-worth issues that I have worked on throughout the years, and I am a far stronger, more independent, more powerful woman - in my slavery now than I ever was whether owned or not, before.  And yet this still was the first time I had overcome that with simple thinking and processing and most of all - remembering just how deeply I trust my Owner.

I knew in my hear that  She would not let me or my slavery go so easily. She has never NOT given me the opportunity to grow and learn from a situation.  She had been patient and understanding - and just had to have that hard talk with me of "okay, and now I've had enough."  And I needed that.  I needed to know that I was hurting Her, undermining Her, and I needed to process that and come to my own conclusions and my own solutions.   I needed to pick myself up, brush myself off and take charge of myself - prove to both myself AND Her that I was committed to Her, to my own personal growth, to our marriage, and to my slavery.

Once the fear was gone, I was swept up by an almost elated feeling.  It was like a rush of solidity and knowledge that I was exactly where I was supposed to be, doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing.  My feet were firmly on my path and I was embracing my authenticity.  I felt.... EMPOWERED.

In all of my life, I have never come out of a relationship-related argument or out of a situation that forced me to face my own humanity and mistakes and shadows without feeling a loss of self-esteem, without feeling guilty and worthless and devalued.... until this time.

When I came out of the other side of that 12 hours of absolute stark panic, what I found was a firm belief in myself that I didn't even realize was there.  Not a victim at all, I am the mistress of my destiny.  And yes there is irony in that.  I am a strong, powerful woman who can be the best she can be because that's what she CHOOSES to be.  I am not the purveyor of my past. I am not a puppet to be ruled by emotions and patterns and programming installed by the abusers of my childhood.  I am stronger than that.

And, oh, if I could only describe how beautiful and amazing the rewards of this breakthrough are.

It's only the third day but I feel Owned at a deeper level than ever before - and not because my Owner threw me at Her feet and demanded my obedience - but because I realized that, with every fiber of my being, that is where I belong, where I am meant to (and want to) be, and I was going to bring my actions in line with this.

I see the pride in my Owner's eyes at having gotten to this place.  She believes in me, is proud of me.... and I feel deserving of that pride.  That's a good feeling.

My focus is back where it needs to be.  I have found myself back in a truly service-oriented headspace.

My daily chores, a ritual that began just a few weeks ago, are still going well.  I've added a few things that I know I should be doing.  Following this recent breakthrough, I also asked Syr if we could add 5 minutes or so of meditation as a chore I am required to do when I first get home from work each evening of the work-week and She agreed.  It doesn't need to be much, but I feel that 5 minutes of quiet contemplation, whether it is more spiritual in nature, or focused on my slavery, would be beneficial as a regular reminder of what I have so recently learned.

I said to my Owner, this afternoon, that I feel like I want to ask permission for everything.  She replied "Good, because that's how it is."  I looked at Her, puzzled, and She clarified.  "That's how it's always been, so I'm glad you're finally feeling normal again."

I want to ask permission for things, and have been since this breakthrough - because it feels right and good and not because I feel I "should" to be a good slave, but because it feels.... more NATURAL.  My obedience, my trust, my total consuming feeling of being securely in my place is where I feel the most true to myself.  I feel like I've come back home after too much time away.  It feels good... and easy.

Quickie

No, not that kind. Sorry folks!

I have some daily tasks now that are more formalized, in the chore category. I'm not a big fan of chores, which isn't a huge surprise, I'm sure. But Syr has given me a task to do a 5 minute tidying up of each of five rooms in the house, each day of the week except Saturday and Sunday.

It was a little funny because She said She was going to make me a chore chart. And, teasing, I asked Her, "You're going to make a chore chart?" and She said yes and described the 5 minute daily chore idea... and then I repeated the question putting extra emphasis on the first part ... "You're going to make me a chore chart?" and then She understood the question, snickered, and said "No, you are." Mmhmm... as I thought.

So I have a little day planner (hello kitty!) and I've been using it to keep track of my running balance of Good Girl money (pennies I have left at the end of a week of tiny transgressions as per the penny system), so I now have a section for keeping track of my daily chores.

So now there are three -

5 Minute Tidy Up (Mondays are Kitchen, Tuesdays are downstairs bathroom, Wednesdays are Living Room, Thursdays are upstairs bathroom and Fridays are bedroom)
Blog Post (either here or in my other journal)
Laundry (fold/hang up and put away clean laundry - Syr does the washing/drying).

It's only day two of the formalized process and I have to say that I was surprised at how it didn't feel like hard work to clean up the bathroom. I thought I was going to be really grumbly about it but I kinda got into the service aspect, which I'm sure is no big surprise to my Owner, but WAS a surprise to me! ;)

I do love ritual and daily reminders of my role in my Owner's Household are good for me, on a lot of levels.

Valentine's Day

i love You, my Owner, my Wife, my Daddy - i am Yours, forever.

Bruises

It's been too long since I've posted an update, here, though I must admit that the quiet of the last week and a half has been absolutely lovely and has captured my Owner's and my attention most thoroughly. Instead of a week and a half of ravishing each other in the quiet and privacy of our house-sitting gig, we've mostly been just luxuriating in the peacefulness of a home devoid of teenagers and their booming young man-voices.

However, outside of my previous entry, we did enjoy one other really phenomenal evening together where there was much ravishing, oh yes....

~*~*~*~

Once again, we found ourselves alone. We'd gone out to dinner and on the way back, Syr began teasing me, making me blush and giggle, promising me all the things that She intended to do with me. I wasn't sure how much of it was actual promises and how much of it was simple teasing but none the less, I found myself getting all kinds of excited.

We were just getting settled in back at the house, when my Owner called me to come to Her. She was standing before the open toybag, considering thoughtfully and I watched Her, trying to do my best to stand still. She turned to me, then, holding me close from behind, Her arms wrapped around me until one hand reached up to cover my mouth and nose, taking my breath and dropping me firmly into subspace.

Once I had a chance to regain composure, She had me lay out our favourite big fluffy towel and, after fastening my collar around my neck, put me into my usual down position, but had me raise my bum very high up in the air. This position exposed the area that She likes to call my "sweet spots" very well.

She started with her hands, which are quite honestly the best thing in the world - better than paddles or crops or canes or floggers - Her hands are my deliverance, and I am always grateful to be on the receiving end of them.

She warmed me up slowly but when I squirmed, out of nowhere came "the ouchy thing" which is a rubber, flexible cane that if She is being kind, She will loop back on itself which makes it less ouchy. But, when I tried to squirm away from Her hands, She wasn't kind and let the full length of the ouchy thing smack hard against my sensitive sweet spots. She only had to do that twice throughout the evening, because - OWIE, so I did my very best to sit so still!

She rained bare-handed blows down on my ass until it felt red hot, and then She would pause and rake Her fingernails along the sensitive skin there, causing me to cry out. And that was the most wonderful part - being able to make noise. We rarely have opportunities for this degree of privacy and so I was able to let go of that part of me that is always trying to keep things quiet, and just moan, groan, whimper, and plead. My Owner seemed to really.... really... like that. :)

She spanked me for what felt like a really, really long time. She switched to a paddle (the ping pong kind with texture one side and smooth the other), but it didn't seem as intense as Her palm and so She switched back to hands. There was something about the way She was holding Her hands that was just really powerful and intense. Once warmed up, She went at me with the flogger, and even still I craved Her hands the most.

I was near tears by the time She was done and my ass was red-hot to the touch and so very sensitive. She looked and saw that I was already bruised and was very pleased as I don't bruise easily. On that note She threw me on my back, and in moments it seemed She had buried Her cock deep inside me. I was crazy-sensitive at this point. The rough texture of the towel was chaffing against the sensitive skin on my ass and I was swollen and wet and ready for Her as well, so you can imagine it wasn't long before I was begging, pleading for release.

My Owner made me wait, curling Her right arm beneath my head and pulling me close as She drove ever deeper and harder, commanding me to let go - to just let it all go. When She finally granted me permission to cum, I did - and hard. I was sobbing for a long while, and then it would subside and She would drive into me harder still and command me to let go and I would, sobbing even harder. It was a marvelous release and I would cry and laugh and cry some more but I really did let so much go. As I came and cried and moaned against Her shoulder, she crooned, "Good girl" to me. Those moments are the sweetest bliss. Not only was She giving me this beautiful gift of release but praising me for being able to let it all good. It felt amazing.

Afterward, as She held me, I thanked Her, and She whispered "You're welcome, little girl" as She does, and then hugged me even closer, kissing my temple.

This was several days ago, and bruises still cover my sweet spots. Bruises are hot, fun, lovely, re deliciously delectable reminders of the fact that I am Owned. (And Syr has sure enjoyed pinching, patting, and squeezing my bruised bum at random over the last few days as well).

Life couldn't be much better than this, could it?

"Let Me in."

"Come here." my Owner commanded as I stood in front of Her, the two of us alone for the first time in.... a long time. She snapped Her fingers and pointed at the place in front of Her feet and I hesitated, almost nervous, or perhaps it was something else. But I did kneel.

There was something about the look in Her eyes that I could feel - an intensity and a time for seriousness. I responded to that energy, almost subconsciously, as I felt myself begin to settle into the flow between us - Her assertion of power and my surrendering of it.

My Owner asked for each ankle and wrist in turn, attaching the neoprene cuffs that, while less exciting to look at than many other similar devices, serve their purpose nicely. She pulled out the lavender collar and asked me, "Who owns You, little girl?" as I tipped my head forward resting my throat against the supple leather.

"You do, Syr." I whispered in reply as She buckled it snugly behind me. Moments later, She clipped one end of the chain leash to my collar and I gasped as she hung the cold chain down my back.

I was silent, contemplative and sinking steadily into slave-space as She retrieved the nipple clamps, also connected to one another by a cool chain and again I gasped in wordless complaint as I felt the chain against my chest but I held my breath when She attached the clamps to each nipple. I felt, fully adorned. It isn't often that I am granted the opportunity to be decorated in this way for my Owner and I felt it intensely, the surrender of self becoming closer to the forefront of my mind.

With a hand against my back, Syr pressed me forward until I was in my 'down' position, forehead and knees on the floor, ass high. I feel so exposed in this position but this feeling was magnified a hundred times by the accessories I wore and especially the chain dangling between my nipples, the weight of the clamps pulling on them by the position I was in.

I heard my Owner put on a latex glove and I trembled, lightly as I listened to the sound of the lube being squeezed onto Her finger. I had little time to think before Her finger was pressing against my anus, the position I was in allowing me little option for resistance though I unconsciously tightened.

She began slowly, pressing Her slippery, gloved finger against this most private opening, in small pulses. She slid Her finger in and the smoothness of the latex and the slipperiness of the lube made it easy and I felt suddenly very invaded and very owned. Her finger moved inside me more insistently and I whimpered against the feeling of being claimed in this way. She crooned to me to relax as She continued to move inside me.

"Let me in, little girl" She growled and I automatically relaxed further, letting Her finger slide easily. "Good girl", She crooned and I whimpered - simultaneously wishing it to never stop and wondering when it would. I love this sensation but can't admit it in the moment because if an inherent sensation of guilt or shame - yet I trust my Owner and the feeling of surrender I experience when we play in this way is all encompassing and ultimately it wins out.

"What are you thinking about?" She asked me and I whimpered, words lost on me.... I couldn't form coherent sentences let alone let Her know what I was thinking. "Are You thinking about how it might feel if this was My cock instead of My finger, little girl?" Syr asked provocatively but I couldn't answer Her. Yes, I was thinking of Her cock in my ass.... and I felt so dirty for thinking it - but I was. I felt so overwhelmed by something so small as Her finger, how would Her cock feel? But most of all it was the steady insistence of Her finger as it slid in and out of me so smoothly that kept distracting me. I felt owned. "Good girl...." She whispered again as She moved Her finger away and pressed the small butt plug into my ass in its place. Once situated, I felt filled and utterly submissive.

She had me sit up then and I looked up at Her, feeling so floaty and owned and fully surrendered, and, after removing the nipple clamps, Syr replaced Her gloves, and had me open an individually sealed alcohol swab. I glanced next to Her and saw the needles.... and shakily opened the package for Her.

She swabbed the front of my left breast and waisted little time opening the first needle and positioning it against the small bit of skin She held pinched with Her other hand. In one swift motion, She pierced my skin and I gasped, feeling the first surge of endorphins course through me. Too much skin sat between the base and tip of the needle and She had to pull back and re pierce and that stung even more, making me hiss through my teeth. The second one went in and again needed a slight adjustment, but thankfully, Syr seemed satisfied with the third.

She handed me another swab to open and swabbed my right breast, this side didn't require any re piercings and by the time the third needle on the right was in, I was very floaty, almost meditative.

Syr offered me my choice of colour from some embroidery floss laid out next to Her. I don't remember picking a colour but I wasn't very focused and She pulled out some black floss and began winding it carefully between the needles. She created a criss-cross corset-like pattern connecting my two breasts. I had to pay attention to my posture as any slouching would cause the floss to slacken. Satisfied with the lacing, She added a second colour - pink - for highlights on Her work before tying it off. The effect was very pretty, and the ornamental decoration of the floss made me feel very objectified in the most delicious kind of way.

Finished with the needles, Syr clipped my wrist cuffs together behind my back. This was helpful for my posture as it pulled my breasts slightly apart. Unloosing my leash from my collar, Syr had me stand and led me by my leash to another room where She gestured me down to my knees. She settled me there, re-clipped the handle of the leash to my collar and made sure I would be okay before letting me know She would be right back - and that I was not to move.

I remember sitting there, swaying... floating, and being so still as I listened to Her move to another room. I had little awareness of time passing, though later on I realized She had been gone longer than the short time it felt like (though probably only five minutes, if that).

When She came back, She stood very close behind me and I felt Her denim clad legs against my back. Her hands stroked lightly across my shoulders and then Her right hand curled around to the front of my throat, the barest touch arching me back against Her. She unclasped my wrist cuffs, freeing my arms for movement and within seconds Her right hand had moved up from my throat to clamp tightly over my nose and mouth.

I was so surrendered to Her at this moment, so fully encompassed in trust that I didn't move, nor try to breathe, I just sank into the sensation. Syr tried to startle me, to cause me to instinctively gasp for breath but I was much too softened for that and then She whispered in my ear, "let me feel you struggle, little girl..." and I brought my awareness forward again, and tried to take a single breath. The lack of air flowing into my lungs allowed me to relax into the struggle and my hands reached behind me, grabbing at Her legs and higher.... finding the thick hardness of Her cock and holding on tight as She held firm, keeping me from any chance at a breath for several moments before pulling me back against Her and letting go.

She moved in front of me and, my leash held firm in Her hands and I leaned back, partly intentionally and partly because I was just so lost in a sea of sensation. She was worried that the leash wasn't secure and grabbed my collar, Her fist curled against the front of my throat and I really leaned back this time, letting my body go slack. I felt, for a moment, as if I were flying - so completely surrendered to trust, knowing I was safe in my Owner's grasp.

I blinked, and realized that my Owner's cock seemed so close, no longer hidden beneath blue denim but exposed, and Syr's hands curled in my hair, pulling me closer as my mouth opened to take Her in. I moaned loudly around Her cock, loving the way it slid along my tongue, nudging at the back of my throat and Syr's hands tightened even more in my hair, pressing Her cock deep and then moving Her hips slowly - fucking my mouth. My hands reached up to grab onto Her jeans, holding onto Her pockets as if they were handles, as She encouraged me - "Show Me how much you want My cock, slave", She ordered and I obeyed as I hungrily sucked Her cock. I took it deep and swirled my tongue lavishly around the head, whimpering as She drove hard into my mouth until, suddenly, she pulled Her cock away and I mewed softly at the sudden emptiness between my lips.

"Ask Me to fuck you." She ordered, and I obeyed, the words coming easily - so lost in desire was I, and She pushed my back, forcing me down and forward onto my knees, and I noticed the slack of the embroidery threads between the piercings in my breasts. Everywhere I could move my awareness within my body was lit up with sensation. Syr reached behind me and pressed the button on the plug still snug in my ass to turn it on and the vibrations lit up the sensitivity inside me as I heard Her apply lube to Her cock, already slightly moistened from the tongue bath it had just received.

In seconds, Her cock was buried deep inside of me and I was lost. There was nothing outside of this time with my Owner, this surrender. I was claimed and lost and hungry and filled. In mere moments, I was begging to cum. She granted my wish and I came hard, filled and overwhelmed and shuddering I came again... and again... until She finally granted me reprieve and I, shuddering, sobbing, unable to move, collapsed at Her feet.

Syr touched me gingerly, removed the plug from my ass, the needles from my breasts, and the cuffs from my ankles and wrists. After helping me to clean up, She snuggled me close to Her. It was some time before I could open my eyes, and it was some time after that before I could even attempt to walk. I crawled a fair bit in the hour or two following.

I slept in my Owner's collar all night and She did not remove it until nearly noon the following day. What a glorious night.

One of those days...

Have you ever had one of those days? You know the kind, I'm sure, where you're just sort of going through the motions, floating through your day, all as it just whizzes by you...

And then, suddenly, a thought or a word or a ... something... catches you off guard and brings you back to the moment.

That was me, today, at work. I was just working my way through the day, somewhat roboticly, and then it was lunchtime. I like to take some me-time during my lunch hour which I usually spend doing yoga with my coworker in one of our meeting rooms. Well, today I was on my own for lunch and so I decided I would do some gentle yoga and some meditating. I put my "yoga in progress" sign on the door which always ensures uninterrupted quiet time in the meeting room, laid out my mat, changed into my yoga clothes, and got myself into a nice seated posture. After 15 minutes or so, I still felt like I was going through the motions. My heart and mind just weren't into it. I laid down into a final resting pose and tried some guided meditation. This seemed to be going well until I realized I was chilly, so I pulled my towel over my chest and shoulders.

Even after warming up under the towel, though, I realized that my nipples were as hard as rocks! They were just straining against the material of my bra and against the snug-fitting yoga top I was wearing. I was annoyed by this at first, but they were so hard they were tingling, so I 'accidentally' brushed them with my palms. That felt pretty good.... too good. I enjoy attention on my nipples but it is VERY mood-based. It either feels really good or it feels a little off and it's very rarely anything in between. This was a feel-good day for nipple play so I started pinching them, rolling them between my fingers, squeezing them as hard as I could. And I could feel these little sharp sensations coursing through my body as if my nipples had a direct connection to my clit.

The more I teased, pinched, pulled, and rolled my nipples, the braver I got. I was all alone in there, after all, and the yoga sign was up. If my hand snuck a little lower, discretely... I shook myself, I was at work after all. But, the ache just wasn't going away. I was on my yoga mat somewhat behind a desk so even if the door suddenly opened.... I wouldn't be seen right away. I pulled my towel down from my chest to drape over my hips and thighs and my hand snuck down my pants, fingers slipping into my panties where I found my clit - desperate for attention.

I would play, I told myself, but I won't cum. Daddy wouldn't like it if I came without permission... but some part of me thought Daddy MIGHT actually enjoying hearing about what Her brave and naughty little girl had done at work today..... and thinking about that fueled the fire and before I knew it my fingers were tracing lazy but firm circles around my clit. And soon after that, lost in fantasy, my fingers were moving faster. My orgasm snuck up on me, caught me off guard, and I pulled my hand away in surprise. It's not usually so easy for me to get myself off without assistance! I knew I needed to stop and I focused hard on putting my thoughts on something more harmless. I'm a multiple-orgasm girl. I'm like a VERY multiple-orgasm girl. Stopping after one is sort of like driving a Lamborghini at 60mph on the Autobahn. I'm left with lingering need.... and lots of it.

But that didn't change the fact that I had to confess...

Punished

Thursday, I had a very bad day at work.

It seemed like everything was going wrong all around me and I was just scrambling to keep up, totally powerless to actually fix anything that was broken. I was frustrated, and REALLY grumpy.

I knew I was in a bad mood, so I was trying to shake it off during the drive home, coaching myself on how NOT to take it out on Syr in light of my bad habit of subconsciously picking fights with my Owner when I'm feeling bad about something else. If I'm being consciously aware and trying not to do that, I often succeed.

I tried to be quiet when I came in, and just putz about doing my usual wind-down routine. And then some little tiny thing annoyed me and I didn't keep my mouth shut about it. Ten minutes later and I know I've stepped out of line. Thirty seconds after that, I'm upstairs on the bed, crying. That moment, right when I realize I've messed up, must be the WORST moment ever. I knew I needed to pick myself up and move on, and was in the process of reaching for the bedroom door to go downstairs, when Syr came in, shutting the door behind Her.

"Are you done wallowing?" She asked and I nodded silently in reply.

"On your knees." She ordered and I looked at Her for just the briefest of moments, puzzled. "Now", She followed up and I did.

"Down." She said as She touched the back of my head, making it clear that I was to go into quiet time position: kneeling, curled over with forehead to the floor and arms stretched out in front of me. I was still close to tears haven just stopped crying moments before and could feel close all over again as I listened to the sound of Her moving to the foot of the bed. Suddenly alarmed I started to sit up to see what She was doing but Syr ordered me back down again.

She pulled my pants and panties down over my hips, exposing my bottom and I whimpered. Having my pants and panties pulled down (but still *on*) in this manner always has a potent effect on me. It makes me feel very humble and contrite as it's something I associate with punishment and this time - even more so.

"It doesn't matter how bad of a day you've had, you are NOT allowed to come home and take it out on me. Am I understood, slave?" my Owner says to me as She delivers four sharp slaps to my bottom.

"Yes, Syr." I replied sofly, tears starting to fall again.

She sat on the bed nearby and said "Come here."

I crawled over, kneeling at Her feet and burying my tear-stained cheeks against Her chest as She held me.

"Now, apologize for your behaviour." She whispered.

"I'm sorry, Syr," I whispered

"Will you be more aware of your behaviour for the remainder of the evening?"

"Yes, Syr." I answered, feeling wholly contained and also - forgiven.

Mere moments later we were chatting away doing our usual after-work thing, and no lingering emotional 'hangover' type effects remained from earlier. As my friend last weekend had described, punishment after a conflict actually provided a great deal of comfort and closure without hours of processing and/or lingering guilt. Instead, I felt firmly in my place - and very aware of my behaviour and able to let my bad mood of the day go.

My Owner and I had a very pleasant evening, afterward.

Asserting Her Ownership

Hmm, this whole asserting Her ownership more often thing is interesting. It's good and it's tough but it's mostly good.... and tough.

She's pulling rank on a lot of little things that She never used to. It's giving me pause, reminding me to check myself and.... to some degree bringing in a bit of testing. It sounds twisted, and I am fairly confident there's few who would agree with me, but the testing (to me) is a good sign. I'm feeling these new boundaries out - getting to know where they are, how close they're squeezing in on me and She's holding strong. The fact that I'm finding myself subconsciously testing means that I'm taking these changes seriously - not just seeing them as a phase.

A couple of times already this week, I have been in a ornery mood. I've been grumpy (read: hormonal) and touchy and a couple of times could have easily really gotten going on picking a fight. But She didn't hesitate to remind me that She owns me and I'm not allowed to do that and it nipped it in the bud.

This evening, after work, I had another such moment, and in hindsight it was clear that Syr was at least a little pissed off or grumpy about it and She didn't immediately or obviously assert Her Ownership but I still paused and checked myself - and I credit that pause to the more frequent reminders in general that are keeping my submission closer to the forefront of my mind.

I'm still in observation mode, to a degree, and still figuring out what this will mean for us long-term, but I'm liking the freedom that these new boundaries are providing me.

Punishment

Saturday evening, Syr and I were at a friend's house, just relaxing and getting caught up with one another.

My friend had recently had a nice visit with her Daddy and I was eager to hear all about it. In relaying some of her experiences to me, she shared a story that involved a punishment she'd received as a result of bad behaviour and the way it made her feel so loved and safe - and I started to cry of all things. Now, mind you, I was a bit hormonal at the time so the tears were probably unnecessary, but I was actually moved.

As I'm sure those of you who read my blog know, I do a lot of self-work. I do a lot of hard self-analyzing and processing to better myself, primarily for myself - through my submission to my Owner. The work is the necessary road for me regardless of what kind of a relationship I find myself in, but the relationship I share with my Owner, Daddy... Wife.... is the vehicle I choose to travel in and it is the one that affords me the safety, security, and tools that make the trip a bit easier to manage.

But, in the end, I am often hardest on myself. When I do something that I feel is wrong on a fundamental level, not just when considering the power-exchange dynamic of my relationship, I am often plagued by guilt and self-doubt for (often) days after the 'thing' that happened. And what my friend was relaying was how her Daddy had employed a two part method for dealing with a similar situation. She was out of line, and he did something to catch her attention in a major way DURING the episode, and let her know that they would be dealing with it later. And later, after tempers had cooled, and clear-headedness prevailed a punishment was delivered - with an accompanying caveat: after the punishment was done, so was whatever had happened. It had been dealt with and it was time to move on. At that point, there is a clean slate.

I know that what moved me was the way that I know that this adds a completion to whatever happens. And I felt a desperate longing for something similar. I know that comparing isn't always the best thing - and ultimately I also know that by sharing my thoughts and emotions about this with my Owner that She is not obligated to do anything about it, nor will She feel that i am topping from the bottom - even if I outright ask for it. So I feel safe in processing and talking about the way it affected me. So - back to the desperate longing.... that was where the tears came from.

My Owner and I are learning how to live our dynamic day by day, moment by moment. I had the 'lifestyle' experience of the two of us, but when it comes to full time, 24/7, and fitting it in with parenting and work and the mundane realities of a life together that is about more than sex and a good flogging once a week - we both came into it as newbies.

We've both gotten really good at dealing with conflicts and finding ways to work on some of my negative communication and conflict patterns... and have made genuine progress. But one thing sort of seemed to be an ah ha moment for both of us and that is that we have built a lot of tools into the actual 'conflict' itself to make that easier and we do a good job of processing it after the fact, determining the root causes of that particular conflict, and making sure there is a lesson learned and something to think about for next time. But then I seem to be left with lingering feelings of... well.. badness... afterward. The idea of having a punishment delivered, with the intention of sort of putting the 'bow' on the wrapped package, seems to feel like something that would afford closure to each event and be both simultaneously cathartic and reassuring. I wouldn't want something like that if it was from a negative "i'm a bad person and deserve a punishment" place, but what I realized is that a punishment is sort of my opportunity to have a symbolic method of truly letting it go, knowing it hasn't caused damage to our marriage and relationship and forgiving myself as well as really accepting that I've been forgiven. There's a lot of appeal in that.

I also know that my Owner takes punishment seriously. She doesn't punish me with something I enjoy. If I receive spanking or any other form of corporal punishment, it is done in a way that the emotional impact is clearly punitive and not something I find pleasurable. When She mentioned Saturday night the idea of having some sort of easy to unroll mat or thin camping mattress that She could pull out to have me sleep on the floor, I know that it was a candidate for just such a punishment. I can think of a few other things She would tend to gravitate towards as well, none of them pleasant. So that part is a little bit scary but I also think would be really good for me.

Syr mentioned that She thinks She should do more little things to assert Her ownership throughout, otherwise mundane or busy day to day type activities - nothing overt, but little reminders. She's done a bit more of that even for the last four or five days and the result seems to be that I am more relaxed, behaving in a more trusting way, and pretty much just staying really ... really.... little.

I like it.

Weekend Snippets

Thursday night, She ravished me and I can still feel the way that my Owner slowly, deliberately and agonizingly pressed Her cock deep inside of me until it pressed against my cervix for long moments of combined pain and pleasure. She usually takes me with a driving intensity and force, ravaging me until I beg for the mercy of an orgasm. This was different. She moved slowly, but intensely. I remember the way She made me stay still, reminding me - "Take what you are given, slave" - when I would arch up for more or whimper for Her to move more quickly. But then, something shifted and I was surrendering and floating and content to let her torment me in this way as long as She desired while I gave in to the luxurious intensity of the slowness. She moved this way inside of me until She shuddered with orgasm and then, only then, ordered my release.

Last night, we spent the afternoon and evening with a kink/lifestyle-friendly friend and I got some much needed time to really just be in my role. I got rather hyper enjoying this rare opportunity to just let go and had a few bratty moments. But I also got some lovely reminders and some conversations opened the doors to new revelations and understandings. Most of all, I had some quality time at Syr's feet, my cheek resting on Her knee. Those moments are pure bliss. Then, at bedtime, She teased about me sleeping on the floor, but I was feeling so little, I took Her literally and was prepared to sleep on the floor. I wasn't sure how I felt about it; it was late and I was a bit sleepy, but the resulting conversation left me feeling very Owned and cared for. A lot of the conversation revolved around punishment for arguments that get out of hand (on my part, attitude-wise) and the benefit that has even when I have already learned my lesson. There is a cleansing feeling that goes along with it and we had a really enlightening conversation about that. I fell asleep feeling very secure and safe, and grateful that I was falling asleep in my Owner's arms.

Today, I spent the whole day feeling my place acutely.

Missing Daddy...

I was away recently, on a necessary trip - alone - to attend the memorial service of the afore mentioned beloved friend I recently lost.

In many ways, the trip was about healing for me. It was a time for remembering and processing, for crying and singing. Many of the feelings that I spent the weekend sorting through were highly personal.

The friend that passed away was not someone Daddy ever had the chance to get to know, and so naturally there were some roadblocks in really sharing my grief with Her or turning to Her for comfort - though of course She was wonderfully understanding and supportive of my grieving process.

Going alone was originally a choice made out of necessity. And while there were many moments within the three days I was gone when I wished for nothing more than Daddy's strong arms around me, holding me or Her shoulder to lean my head on, I found that ultimately it was necessary for my own personal healing to go it alone.

This left me with an interesting feeling. I didn't really miss Daddy the way I thought I would (or should?) and while I know this was a good and healthy thing, I felt a pressing need to tell Her this. She totally understood, even laughed, and said sometimes we just need a break, and that it's totally ok. I get what She meant. Sometimes, it's nice to have some alone time or some time where your responsibilities to your partner aren't at the forefront.

But - for me, this time, it was about something more than that. It was about letting myself really FEEL the grief and the pain on my own. It was about holding those emotions, releasing them, working my way through them (not suppressing them) and reminding myself that I am capable of doing this with or without a Daddy right next to me to lean on. In this way, it was really empowering.

I am grateful to have a Daddy, an Owner, a Syr, and a best friend in my Wife. She is my partner in so many things and I feel we have a very close, fully open, and overwhelmingly trusting relationship. In all ways, I feel that my relationship with Her empowers me and helps me to grow into my potential. But, it's nice to have some reminders that I really have grown, really have gotten to a healthier place than I was even as recently as five years ago.

I felt proud of myself and when I got home and hugged and kissed Her, I had this all encompassing feeling of personal pride. It was if I had taken "being a good girl" to a whole new level.

So maybe I didn't miss Daddy, in the ways I thought I would, while I was away. But - I sure did make Daddy proud!

Gratitude

Had a moment today where I was being ungrateful.

Daddy had me in Her thoughts and had done something kind but I was nitpicking. I was frustrated with myself but I am glad I was able to see my behaviour clearly (and speedily) and rectify the situation.

I love it when She does nurturing things and I need to remember to show Her my appreciation when She does.

I love You, Daddy, and thank You - I really do appreciate You!

Daddy's Clothes

Her jeans fit perfectly, sitting just below Her waistline, and my eyes roam over the snug black tee shirt that She wears, tucked in, with a button down shirt hanging open on top of it.

My eyes trace Her body, falling to the untied laces of Her heavy brown leather boots. Falling to my knees in front of Her, I tie each boot in turn, unable to resist a shy glance up at Her but quickly blush and look away again when my eyes meet Hers.

Standing once more, I reach forward and carefully button Her shirt, avoiding the intensity of Her gaze. I step back to review my work and ensure that everything is in order. Wistfully, I eye Her waistline. The only thing that would add to the experience is a belt.

After my assessment, She closes the gap between us and kisses me, claiming me, as I surrender to Her embrace. Neither of us have spoken a word.

Moments later, we're in the car headed out to run some errands, my right and Her left hand comfortably clasped between us.

It's just another day, but the moment shared just seconds before is no less powerful for it's transience.

Growth in Service: "What's Done is Done"

Explaining reasoning does not negate/erase feelings (or "what's done is done")

Ask, don't tell Owner what Her feelings are

Waiting for the answer after asking a question

Not defending/countering

Accepting the answer given as the only sane choice

How NOT doing these things invalidates Owner's feelings/emotions

I'm doing this as one entry because all these things relate to each other pretty intimately, i believe, and because this came up in a calm but frustrating conflict between my Owner and I just this evening. But I'll break it up bit by bit.

Explaining reasoning does not negate/erase feelings (or "what's done is done")

This is one of my BIGGEST battles. Okay, maybe I say that a lot but I think this is really true and is the root (and thus the heading) of many conflicts. Once there is an unpleasant emotion (read previous entry on that issue), I try to 'correct' things. My attempt to correct is fear-driven. I don't like feeling that someone is having a negative emotion towards or about me (who does?) and so I try to make it go away. When I write it out like that, it sounds really ridiculous and futile - and wholly illogical. But in my mind - in the moment - it is a very logical and analytical sort of step to take.

If (for example) my Owner seems frustrated with me about the way I expressed myself about something - then it would serve my logical purposes at the moment to explain that whatever is causing Her frustration was a misunderstanding because I certainly didn't mean to come across in a frustrating way. Except, the thing is that I get very, very determined to PROVE that I did nothing (at least intentionally) to cause the negative emotion - therefore the negative emotion need not be there.

Um, do you see the problem here? Once a negative emotion is experienced, I can't erase it by explaining away whatever led to it (whether by excuse or apology) but I don't think it's possible to explain just how desperately I want to do JUST that. *sigh*

This is a driving thing and something that needs to be worked on a lot more on my part. Once the negative emotion is there - whether I agree with it or not, whether I think it should exist or not, whether I think I am to BLAME for it or not - it's still there. I can not (and dear Goddess I should not be trying to) explain it away!!

Ask, don't tell Owner what Her feelings are

I've made a lot of progress on this but I have to constantly check myself. I used to, quite regularly, assume that my Owner was angry or frustrated or annoyed at me and would state this presumptively within a conflict or conversation and this would upset my Owner. Interestingly, having someone assume what I am thinking or feeling really irks me in a big way, so I really understand how annoying this behaviour is and have been trying to curb it. I still catch myself doing it sometimes or trying to find different (softer) words but still stating my Owner's feelings rather than asking.

This is in the outline because I really think this is a personal 'rule' I need to work on with myself. I need to remember to ASK (and never just state/tell) my Owner what She is thinking or feeling.

Not defending/countering

Remember the post about listening and, specifically, not interrupting? This is probably the worst habit I have in conflict and it is definitely rooted in the issue of believing on some level that I can make a negative thought go away by 'explaining' it away.

In a conflict, if I am interrupting - nine times out of ten it is with something like "I didn't say it like THAT" or "I didnt' mean it to come out that way..." or "I said ___ not ___" or.... (the list goes on... and on).

Almost every time I interrupt, it is an effort to defend or argue a point. Now, maybe that's true for everyone in conflicts, and it's probably pretty normal in the bigger picture of human interaction/arguments/conflicts. But, what bothers me about this behaviour is how HARD it is to stop myself. It takes a ridiculous amount of concentration and, dare I say, willpower just to keep myself silent without countering - and I mean that it takes that much work just to stop myself from arguing the most ridiculous of minute details just to avoid starting a side-argument over something dumb - oh yeah, and I often DON'T catch myself in time.

When it comes to 'countering', it seems that everything is up for grabs - even the tiniest of details, which in turn adds frustration to the entire interaction as my Owner struggles to just stick to the original point.

As with many of the other things within our arguments if I can remember to listen respectfully throughout the entire conversation, I will make more progress.

Accepting the answer given as the only sane choice

I've worded this one fairly strongly on purpose. When I ask a question, particularly one about opinion, what my Owner "means", what She 'feels', what Her opinion is, etc - the only SANE response is to accept the answer I am given.

It is not fair or appropriate (with anyone, let alone my Owner) to argue over Her opinions, feelings, or perceptions. If I ask "what do You want for dinner" and She says "spaghetti", it is not appropriate or polite to say "what about meatloaf?". We obviously never have that particular exchange but I think you get my drift. It's a very simple, foundational basic to remember to just accept the answers I am given without question. It doesn't mean I need to agree with every single thing - but it means that respecting my Owner's feelings, emotions, and opinions means not making Her have to justify them all the time.

I trust Her - and as I frequently remind myself - trust is the root of all of these things. When I remember to trust, I relax and the rest becomes a lot less like work and a lot more like natural communication.

How NOT doing these things invalidates Owner's feelings/emotions

And the point of all of this is that when I don't do the above things - I make my Owner feel badly. Not respecting Her feelings/emotions without question invalidates them and whether I agree with them or not or even whether I understand what caused them or not does not make them disappear. This obviously circles back to the first point - what's done is done.

If my Owner feels frustrated, that's Her right. And to remind myself from an earlier post, just because She feels frustrated does not mean it is up to me to "fix it", it is just up to me to respect it and be aware and respectful of Her needs, whether it be to discuss it or to back off from it (another thing I struggle with)

---

One interesting side-point that came up this evening was my Owner's warning about dropping something so that it NOT turn into an argument.

I have often interpreted this to mean "If we keep talking to each other, we will fight because you will do something to piss me off."

but ...

what i learned tonight is that what She means by this is "I'm getting upset/frustrated/angry (insert emotion) and need a break from this because I'm not feeling particularly objective and if we push the issue right now it WILL become an argument"

I actually NEVER took it that way. I have always taken that warning to mean that She somehow thinks I'm going to lose my cool or not be capable of talking about it rationally (cuz it's all about me right? geesh) and I have never stopped to consider that what She might mean is that SHE is not in the right headspace to continue rationally (or even mean that WE are not in the right headspace), but I don't think - in hindsight - that She has ever meant it as an accusation about my inability to be reasonable. Oops. Another thing I took personally and often 'defended' to the point of - well.. missing the point.

It just goes to show how big language things are. And, more importantly, it's a reminder to me to check myself and to work harder at not interpreting everything through the "how have I messed up or how am i being accused of messing up" filter. This filter is what gets me in trouble. Many times a comment or request or question is nothing to do with me and everything to do with where my Owner's head or emotions are at. Once again, not everything is about me. :)

~*~*~*~*~

Kitten recently posted about her Master's style of Zen Mastery which prompted A Subtle Slavegirl to post about it and in both the phrase that stood out - that seems to be the most potently 'felt' is this one -

"Surrender is a reaction. Submission is a decision."

Yeah, that! For me, this tied into all this work I feel like I am constantly doing to overcome my 'stuff', to be better at communicating, to overcome my dysfunctional patterns and past programming. Sometimes, I get so frustrated with all of the work that needs doing that I feel really broken - but it is not up to my Owner to accept me as is all the time without question - that is what leads to dysfunction (at least for me). It is not up to Her to 'fix' me either. It is not up to Her to constantly push me for this sort of growth. It is up to me to bring this to the table - to be willing to do the work to be a better person, wife, little girl, and slave. It is my decision to work on these things, on basics and on things that aren't so basic that makes it an act of submission and one that is beneficial to us both.

It's far easier to simply do what one is told than it is to bring something, with effort, to the relationship and put the work and energy behind it to make it work. It is the work and the active engagement on my part that makes, even this, an act of submission.

New Years Eve

In these last hours of 2009, I find myself reflecting upon my recent journeying. It isn't just this last year that is swirling around in my head but the last several.

It feels really amazing to look back and remember where I was and to feel so rooted in where I am now at the same time. The two seem so far apart. I spent so long being so lost. I looked for love in one place, romance in another (or not at all), family in another, passion in another, and submission/kink in yet another. No wonder I was so confused!

I just didn't realize that it was possible (and how greedy can one person be, anyway?) to find family, love, passion, romance, and the sweetest of surrenders in one place. But my Owner changed all of that.

With Her I have found the deepest trust I have ever experienced, the most complete and all-encompassing love, the most exciting passion that keeps me guessing all the time, the sweetest and most sincere romance, and the fullest and most complete surrender and submission.

She opens me up and peers into the darkest corners of my spirit and handles what She finds there with expert ease and tenderness. I am never unsafe with Her. I am often frightened - of losing Her or us, or of making too many mistakes or of driving Her away or of not being good enough and She reminds me that those sort of fears are normal - though unwarranted. And the thing is, with Her - I can believe that. I never could with anyone else I ever trusted with my heart because 'they' always failed to keep that promise.

My vow to my Wife and Hers to me were "forever" - and we bound ourselves to one another in this life and all lives to come, both being believers of reincarnation and our connection with each other. And the thing is, I believe this. I don't think I could if it wasn't the real deal.

The most amazing thing to me is all that I have learned so far, on this journey with Her. It has been 3 years (and then some) of marriage and I am so much more evolved and healthy as a person now then I was on our wedding day.

It's so funny - how giving up control and power and surrendering yourself to Another in trust and submission can make you stronger. But it does.

Well - it has for me, anyway.

Goodbye, 2009.

Hello, 2010. We have work to do.

Expectations

An interesting interaction between my Owner and I prompted this assignment...

I had been thinking about something naughty and hinting at this fact to Syr. Usually if She realizes that I am thinking about something 'interesting', She would prompt me to tell Her all about it, often times exerting at least a bit of Her authority to do so. What I wasn't actively thinking about was that I had actually painted a mental picture of how She would respond to my naughty reminiscing.

And while She responded with interest to the fact that I was thinking about something naughty, She did not respond in the precise way I had imagined (read: expected) that She would and I foolishly let my disappointment show.

Syr called me on it in a flash. I'd laid the ground work to 'get' a particular reaction. That could be called manipulation, micro-management, or setting Her up. There was no malicious intent, but I do adore the feeling of being 'made' to admit what is on my mind. I was just in the mood for that sort of interaction and so in a way I was trying to make it happen.

In doing this, I managed to trap my Owner in a rock/hard place situation. She could either cave and do what I was setting Her up to do - or She could not and then She deals with my disappointment or hurt feelings. Unfair.

She handled it well. She called me on it and I employed that whole listening thing to hear Her point of view and all points were valid. I wanted something and, whether intentional or not, tried to "make" Syr give it to me. Hm. Counter-productive, much? I think so!

Lesson learned. Syr reminded me that I need to work harder at not being so invested in a particular (and very specific) outcome when I act. This is such a healthy reminder in all areas of my life. I like, to some degree, knowing what to expect - there is an element of control to that - and so I try to do things to make sure I know what to expect.

The interesting thing is, that I often have the most wonderful time, the most REAL experiences when I let go of that, trust and just open up to whatever is going to happen. That is where the magic happens - not in the planning but in the humanity of the experience.

Ahh, the unknown. It can be sexy too.

Growth in service: Listening vs. Talking

Growth in Service

Listening vs. Talking (aiming for a 60/40 split)

How "mentally preparing" for next point interferes with listening

Conversations, particularly ones with high emotions or anger involved used to be a battleground for me where my only ammunition was to get as much out as I possibly could in the very short time I was allowed to speak. This is past 'stuff' and, in its own way: ancient history.

And yet, it's - like so many things - programming.

Put me in a tense situation and my 'instinct' is to talk and not stop until I absolutely have to because, historically, I wouldn't get a chance again once I did. Once I was made to stop talking, it was over and I had 'lost' the battle.

This information is important to keep in mind when processing "listening". Because of the way I approached difficult conversations because of this programming, I would often spend the entire time (or at least a majority) someone else was speaking or telling me how they feel , preparing my 'case'. What was I going to say and how was I going to say it to have the greatest impact.

Maybe I should have been a lawyer.... *grin*

Seriously, though, it takes a very conscious effort for me to stop and really listen. That is why I want to try to keep in mind a goal to allow for at least a 60/40 split of listening/talking. I want to AIM to listen more than I talk. I don't succeed so often, but I'm working on it.

Like so many other things, this is becoming easier as my Owner tirelessly works with me on just this. She has a knack of showing just enough vulnerability to make it clear She is saying something important while not allowing me to try to control the situation. This has given me safe space for practicing my listening skills in these tense situations.

More and more I find that when I simultaneously stop talking AND stop planning what I need to say next, that I actually hear Her and something productive happens. It's the listening that is the magic 'cure' when there is a disagreement with someone I love. When I am caught up in doing the talking, I am convinced that if I say ... just the right thing... it will be over and there will be no more cause for a disagreement. But, that never works. The talking always seems to just make things more confusing or more complicated. It is the listening that gives me time and space to really think and to find a way through the confusion and it is almost always a clear path, well-lit with understanding and truth.

Amazing, that.

Growth in Service: Allowing for normal human emotions

The outline is not forgotten. Syr asked me to write on two topics tonight. I chose to go in order, because I feel I have something to say on the next topic on the list:

Growth in Service

Conflict

Checklist

Allowing for normal human emotions (angry vs. grumpy, etc)

I have a really hard time with "negative" emotions. Positive ones are simple, easy to process.

Joy, pride, love, desire are all emotions that make me feel good about myself and whatever interaction or experience I am having. Anger, frustration, sadness, hurt feelings, grumpiness, annoyance are all emotions that make me feel badly about myself and whatever I'm experiencing.

I think that, just in writing that short paragraph that I've learned something. I take everything personally. Someone may be angry or grumpy or sad and I almost immediately think that it is about me or because of me. Newsflash - not everything is about me. It seems like a simple idea/concept and yet it isn't. I'm prone to sensitivities. I take it onto myself to ensure the happiness and contentedness of the people I love when I am around them. And yet, it really isn't my responsibility to ensure that the people I love are happy at all times.

Within reason, it is reasonable for me to expect myself to see to my Owner's comforts and to make Her life easier where possible. That is service. But to take personal responsibility for every emotion that She feels is not service, nor is it something that She expects of me.

I think that this is likely the root of much of my panic when someone near to me is exhibiting an unpleasant emotion. The reality of life is that yes - sometimes I've irritated someone or done something to hurt someone's feelings. But I don't seem to know how to process it if that happens. It's a work in progress and... I feel as if I have been making progress, a lot of it.

This has been something I've been working on for a while now, under my Owner's instructions. Now, more than ever before I am better able to step back from a situation and recognize that not every unpleasant emotion is a big deal. I'm better able, now, to decipher between grumpy and angry. Before, those two seemed and felt the same. Sometimes, my Owner is grumpy because of something that has nothing to do with me and sometimes She is grumpy because of something I contributed to. But I don't automatically jump to the conclusion that She's angry at me. I still sometimes think along those lines but it isn't my first thought every time like it used to be.

An interesting byproduct of this is that I'm better able to put my own emotions in their proper place. I'm better able to tell when I'm just being grouchy or if I'm feeling an emotion that actually NEEDS to be dealt with by confronting someone or something.

Emotions aren't black and white but a thousand shades of grey. I'm learning more and more about this all the time. It makes me a better slave, a better wife, a better friend... but most of all, a better me.

Sad day

Today just feels like a sad day.

When I got up this morning I tried to ground myself in service by cleaning the kitchen, unloading and reloading the dishwasher and hand-scrubbing some pots. When Daddy got up, I made Her coffee and then curled up and didn't do much else for the rest of the day.

Daddy knows today is hard and when I took Her to work, I asked if there was anything I should do. She told me to take a long bubble bath so I'm going to do that after posting this.

Hoping tomorrow is better!

Massage and Tears

I gave my Owner a massage tonight, working my hands deep into the knots on Her back and shoulders where She holds all of Her tension.

We were watching a movie at the time, which had some sad bits. The sad bits combined with the meditativeness of working on Her muscles loosed something and I had what feels like my first 'productive' cry over the loss of my dear friend.

Not just a sad, helpless crying - but a deep wrenching sobbing. Sounds depressing - but that was a different kind of cry that I really needed, and was followed by some talking and processing and more tears - but there is movement. I feel a bit less locked up, though still really hurting.

My Owner held me and let me cry and be sad and also helped talk to me and one thing stood out to me, for some reason - the way that She kept Her eyes locked on mine. She sat in front of me and I could feel Her eyes staying solidly on me, and I felt safe and held by Her gaze.

I am loved.