Breakthrough

Wednesday night, my entire world turned upside down for about 12 hours.  It wasn't fun, it was pretty scary, but it was necessary.

The last three or four months had been slowly building up to it, and I think that in large part it was because I was in the midst of a pretty major growth spurt (mental/spiritual growth, that is).  It seems that each time I have a major breakthrough or moment of growth there is a build to it.

In this case, I just wasn't really in a great place. I was testy, sensitive, and defiant when my feelings got hurt (which was easily).  I was being careless about protocols that are important to both of us and rituals that make us both feel good.

And then, it culminated in an argument where it all came crashing down around me in a cascade of reality and a very uncomfortable hard look at my behaviour and what it was doing - to myself, my Owner, our relationship, and our dynamic.

For those excruciating 12 hours, I felt as if I was VERY close to losing the right to wear my Owner's collar, and  I was also faced with the realization that whether or not I actually lost it - or was at risk of losing it - I was certainly not in a position where I could say I believed I deserved to wear it.  It took an enormous amount of resolve and trust in my Owner to NOT offer to give it up.  There was that part of me, so filled with shame over my recent behaviour, that really felt the right thing to do was to kneel at Her feet and hold my wrist up and offer that I understood if She needed to remove it.  And then, I remembered to trust.  I am owned because my Owner has chosen me.  It is not up to me to suggest the removal of Her collar.  It IS up to me to trust and obey Her.  And in that moment, that was the truth I clung to.

The fear and the shame as the full realization of the way I'd been behaving really hit me were pretty overwhelming.  The nature of these emotions was that I was removed of all complacency.  I no longer had the luxury of the status quo.  No, I could take nothing for granted, because I did not know if I would still be Owned in the morning....

And so I was stripped down to some very simple facts -
My Owner loves me.
I love my Owner.
I still wore Her collar.
I needed to listen, trust, and obey.

And those things were all I had left to cling to amongst a hot bed of uncertainty that the argument had brought about.  I knew that if I did not listen... trust... and obey... in this most critical of moments - that the equilibrium of a moment that felt "in between" could be thrown out of balance and I could end up tipping the scales to the side of losing what is so very important to me.

And so, I listened, to some hard truths - things I knew to be true the moment they were out of Her mouth, about the last few months, and why things were the way they were that moment.  I heard the truth of the hurt I caused my beloved Owner, and the truth of the lack of respect I had shown. I heard and I listened - and then I panicked.  I panicked quietly, and closed my eyes to try to sleep when my Owner told me to.... but I barely slept.  I clung to Her throughout the night, so afraid that I was on the brink of losing everything because of my own complacency.

When I woke, it was time to go to work.  And I felt as if I was barely functioning.  I couldn't stop crying... I couldn't pull myself together.  All I felt was fear.

And when I got to the office, in between phone calls and work commitments, I tried to think it all through.  I needed to untangle the mess in my head to get some order into it.... to bring some sense to the fear.  I could feel my thoughts spiraling. Much of my fear was fueled by me imagining what She MIGHT be about to do, and the more I thought about it, the more I replayed the words She'd said, the more frightened I got.

And then, when talking to a friend (in vanilla context) about my fear, she said something pretty wise....

I said, "I'm afraid that I'll fail at making the changes I need to make... I'm afraid I won't make them fast enough and it will be too late."

She replied, simply, "Is today too late?".

The simplicity of her question stunned me OUT of the fear and into productive thinking.  Within an hour or two, I realized that I was over-complicating it.  Especially in light of the power exchange context of our relationship, it was simple.  I needed to listen... trust... obey... and respect my Owner.  And lo and behold, those simple things were what I had clung to in all of my fear.

The foundation has been there all the time, unshaken.  I had lost sight of it, stopped paying as much attention to it as I need to, but it was still there... even when reduced to crippling emotional fear... it was those very things I clung to - those very things that I knew were the right things to do.  My submission is not at the surface... it goes deep... deeper than i ever knew it could... and that depth is specifically linked to my depth of love and trust for my Owner.

And then I realized something else.  The only reason to feel fear (fear I was going to lose Her, lose the right to be owned by Her), was if I was already planning NOT to change my behaviour.  I knew what changes needed to be made.  If I made them - what was there to be afraid of? Nothing. If, however, I was already looking for an excuse not to make the changes - somehow being avoidant - than I had valid reason to be afraid.

And just like that, the fear ... it just evaporated.  It was simple.  I am owned.  I just needed to get back to basics and act like it.  So much of our relationship was on seriously solid ground. Things weren't as dire as they'd seemed the previous night.  But it was time to put up or shut up.  I chose to put up. ;-)

I wish that I could really write well enough to do this breakthrough justice, because it was huge for me - really, really huge.

I have a lot of abandonment and self-worth issues that I have worked on throughout the years, and I am a far stronger, more independent, more powerful woman - in my slavery now than I ever was whether owned or not, before.  And yet this still was the first time I had overcome that with simple thinking and processing and most of all - remembering just how deeply I trust my Owner.

I knew in my hear that  She would not let me or my slavery go so easily. She has never NOT given me the opportunity to grow and learn from a situation.  She had been patient and understanding - and just had to have that hard talk with me of "okay, and now I've had enough."  And I needed that.  I needed to know that I was hurting Her, undermining Her, and I needed to process that and come to my own conclusions and my own solutions.   I needed to pick myself up, brush myself off and take charge of myself - prove to both myself AND Her that I was committed to Her, to my own personal growth, to our marriage, and to my slavery.

Once the fear was gone, I was swept up by an almost elated feeling.  It was like a rush of solidity and knowledge that I was exactly where I was supposed to be, doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing.  My feet were firmly on my path and I was embracing my authenticity.  I felt.... EMPOWERED.

In all of my life, I have never come out of a relationship-related argument or out of a situation that forced me to face my own humanity and mistakes and shadows without feeling a loss of self-esteem, without feeling guilty and worthless and devalued.... until this time.

When I came out of the other side of that 12 hours of absolute stark panic, what I found was a firm belief in myself that I didn't even realize was there.  Not a victim at all, I am the mistress of my destiny.  And yes there is irony in that.  I am a strong, powerful woman who can be the best she can be because that's what she CHOOSES to be.  I am not the purveyor of my past. I am not a puppet to be ruled by emotions and patterns and programming installed by the abusers of my childhood.  I am stronger than that.

And, oh, if I could only describe how beautiful and amazing the rewards of this breakthrough are.

It's only the third day but I feel Owned at a deeper level than ever before - and not because my Owner threw me at Her feet and demanded my obedience - but because I realized that, with every fiber of my being, that is where I belong, where I am meant to (and want to) be, and I was going to bring my actions in line with this.

I see the pride in my Owner's eyes at having gotten to this place.  She believes in me, is proud of me.... and I feel deserving of that pride.  That's a good feeling.

My focus is back where it needs to be.  I have found myself back in a truly service-oriented headspace.

My daily chores, a ritual that began just a few weeks ago, are still going well.  I've added a few things that I know I should be doing.  Following this recent breakthrough, I also asked Syr if we could add 5 minutes or so of meditation as a chore I am required to do when I first get home from work each evening of the work-week and She agreed.  It doesn't need to be much, but I feel that 5 minutes of quiet contemplation, whether it is more spiritual in nature, or focused on my slavery, would be beneficial as a regular reminder of what I have so recently learned.

I said to my Owner, this afternoon, that I feel like I want to ask permission for everything.  She replied "Good, because that's how it is."  I looked at Her, puzzled, and She clarified.  "That's how it's always been, so I'm glad you're finally feeling normal again."

I want to ask permission for things, and have been since this breakthrough - because it feels right and good and not because I feel I "should" to be a good slave, but because it feels.... more NATURAL.  My obedience, my trust, my total consuming feeling of being securely in my place is where I feel the most true to myself.  I feel like I've come back home after too much time away.  It feels good... and easy.