New Years Eve

In these last hours of 2009, I find myself reflecting upon my recent journeying. It isn't just this last year that is swirling around in my head but the last several.

It feels really amazing to look back and remember where I was and to feel so rooted in where I am now at the same time. The two seem so far apart. I spent so long being so lost. I looked for love in one place, romance in another (or not at all), family in another, passion in another, and submission/kink in yet another. No wonder I was so confused!

I just didn't realize that it was possible (and how greedy can one person be, anyway?) to find family, love, passion, romance, and the sweetest of surrenders in one place. But my Owner changed all of that.

With Her I have found the deepest trust I have ever experienced, the most complete and all-encompassing love, the most exciting passion that keeps me guessing all the time, the sweetest and most sincere romance, and the fullest and most complete surrender and submission.

She opens me up and peers into the darkest corners of my spirit and handles what She finds there with expert ease and tenderness. I am never unsafe with Her. I am often frightened - of losing Her or us, or of making too many mistakes or of driving Her away or of not being good enough and She reminds me that those sort of fears are normal - though unwarranted. And the thing is, with Her - I can believe that. I never could with anyone else I ever trusted with my heart because 'they' always failed to keep that promise.

My vow to my Wife and Hers to me were "forever" - and we bound ourselves to one another in this life and all lives to come, both being believers of reincarnation and our connection with each other. And the thing is, I believe this. I don't think I could if it wasn't the real deal.

The most amazing thing to me is all that I have learned so far, on this journey with Her. It has been 3 years (and then some) of marriage and I am so much more evolved and healthy as a person now then I was on our wedding day.

It's so funny - how giving up control and power and surrendering yourself to Another in trust and submission can make you stronger. But it does.

Well - it has for me, anyway.

Goodbye, 2009.

Hello, 2010. We have work to do.

Expectations

An interesting interaction between my Owner and I prompted this assignment...

I had been thinking about something naughty and hinting at this fact to Syr. Usually if She realizes that I am thinking about something 'interesting', She would prompt me to tell Her all about it, often times exerting at least a bit of Her authority to do so. What I wasn't actively thinking about was that I had actually painted a mental picture of how She would respond to my naughty reminiscing.

And while She responded with interest to the fact that I was thinking about something naughty, She did not respond in the precise way I had imagined (read: expected) that She would and I foolishly let my disappointment show.

Syr called me on it in a flash. I'd laid the ground work to 'get' a particular reaction. That could be called manipulation, micro-management, or setting Her up. There was no malicious intent, but I do adore the feeling of being 'made' to admit what is on my mind. I was just in the mood for that sort of interaction and so in a way I was trying to make it happen.

In doing this, I managed to trap my Owner in a rock/hard place situation. She could either cave and do what I was setting Her up to do - or She could not and then She deals with my disappointment or hurt feelings. Unfair.

She handled it well. She called me on it and I employed that whole listening thing to hear Her point of view and all points were valid. I wanted something and, whether intentional or not, tried to "make" Syr give it to me. Hm. Counter-productive, much? I think so!

Lesson learned. Syr reminded me that I need to work harder at not being so invested in a particular (and very specific) outcome when I act. This is such a healthy reminder in all areas of my life. I like, to some degree, knowing what to expect - there is an element of control to that - and so I try to do things to make sure I know what to expect.

The interesting thing is, that I often have the most wonderful time, the most REAL experiences when I let go of that, trust and just open up to whatever is going to happen. That is where the magic happens - not in the planning but in the humanity of the experience.

Ahh, the unknown. It can be sexy too.

Growth in service: Listening vs. Talking

Growth in Service

Listening vs. Talking (aiming for a 60/40 split)

How "mentally preparing" for next point interferes with listening

Conversations, particularly ones with high emotions or anger involved used to be a battleground for me where my only ammunition was to get as much out as I possibly could in the very short time I was allowed to speak. This is past 'stuff' and, in its own way: ancient history.

And yet, it's - like so many things - programming.

Put me in a tense situation and my 'instinct' is to talk and not stop until I absolutely have to because, historically, I wouldn't get a chance again once I did. Once I was made to stop talking, it was over and I had 'lost' the battle.

This information is important to keep in mind when processing "listening". Because of the way I approached difficult conversations because of this programming, I would often spend the entire time (or at least a majority) someone else was speaking or telling me how they feel , preparing my 'case'. What was I going to say and how was I going to say it to have the greatest impact.

Maybe I should have been a lawyer.... *grin*

Seriously, though, it takes a very conscious effort for me to stop and really listen. That is why I want to try to keep in mind a goal to allow for at least a 60/40 split of listening/talking. I want to AIM to listen more than I talk. I don't succeed so often, but I'm working on it.

Like so many other things, this is becoming easier as my Owner tirelessly works with me on just this. She has a knack of showing just enough vulnerability to make it clear She is saying something important while not allowing me to try to control the situation. This has given me safe space for practicing my listening skills in these tense situations.

More and more I find that when I simultaneously stop talking AND stop planning what I need to say next, that I actually hear Her and something productive happens. It's the listening that is the magic 'cure' when there is a disagreement with someone I love. When I am caught up in doing the talking, I am convinced that if I say ... just the right thing... it will be over and there will be no more cause for a disagreement. But, that never works. The talking always seems to just make things more confusing or more complicated. It is the listening that gives me time and space to really think and to find a way through the confusion and it is almost always a clear path, well-lit with understanding and truth.

Amazing, that.

Growth in Service: Allowing for normal human emotions

The outline is not forgotten. Syr asked me to write on two topics tonight. I chose to go in order, because I feel I have something to say on the next topic on the list:

Growth in Service

Conflict

Checklist

Allowing for normal human emotions (angry vs. grumpy, etc)

I have a really hard time with "negative" emotions. Positive ones are simple, easy to process.

Joy, pride, love, desire are all emotions that make me feel good about myself and whatever interaction or experience I am having. Anger, frustration, sadness, hurt feelings, grumpiness, annoyance are all emotions that make me feel badly about myself and whatever I'm experiencing.

I think that, just in writing that short paragraph that I've learned something. I take everything personally. Someone may be angry or grumpy or sad and I almost immediately think that it is about me or because of me. Newsflash - not everything is about me. It seems like a simple idea/concept and yet it isn't. I'm prone to sensitivities. I take it onto myself to ensure the happiness and contentedness of the people I love when I am around them. And yet, it really isn't my responsibility to ensure that the people I love are happy at all times.

Within reason, it is reasonable for me to expect myself to see to my Owner's comforts and to make Her life easier where possible. That is service. But to take personal responsibility for every emotion that She feels is not service, nor is it something that She expects of me.

I think that this is likely the root of much of my panic when someone near to me is exhibiting an unpleasant emotion. The reality of life is that yes - sometimes I've irritated someone or done something to hurt someone's feelings. But I don't seem to know how to process it if that happens. It's a work in progress and... I feel as if I have been making progress, a lot of it.

This has been something I've been working on for a while now, under my Owner's instructions. Now, more than ever before I am better able to step back from a situation and recognize that not every unpleasant emotion is a big deal. I'm better able, now, to decipher between grumpy and angry. Before, those two seemed and felt the same. Sometimes, my Owner is grumpy because of something that has nothing to do with me and sometimes She is grumpy because of something I contributed to. But I don't automatically jump to the conclusion that She's angry at me. I still sometimes think along those lines but it isn't my first thought every time like it used to be.

An interesting byproduct of this is that I'm better able to put my own emotions in their proper place. I'm better able to tell when I'm just being grouchy or if I'm feeling an emotion that actually NEEDS to be dealt with by confronting someone or something.

Emotions aren't black and white but a thousand shades of grey. I'm learning more and more about this all the time. It makes me a better slave, a better wife, a better friend... but most of all, a better me.

Sad day

Today just feels like a sad day.

When I got up this morning I tried to ground myself in service by cleaning the kitchen, unloading and reloading the dishwasher and hand-scrubbing some pots. When Daddy got up, I made Her coffee and then curled up and didn't do much else for the rest of the day.

Daddy knows today is hard and when I took Her to work, I asked if there was anything I should do. She told me to take a long bubble bath so I'm going to do that after posting this.

Hoping tomorrow is better!

Massage and Tears

I gave my Owner a massage tonight, working my hands deep into the knots on Her back and shoulders where She holds all of Her tension.

We were watching a movie at the time, which had some sad bits. The sad bits combined with the meditativeness of working on Her muscles loosed something and I had what feels like my first 'productive' cry over the loss of my dear friend.

Not just a sad, helpless crying - but a deep wrenching sobbing. Sounds depressing - but that was a different kind of cry that I really needed, and was followed by some talking and processing and more tears - but there is movement. I feel a bit less locked up, though still really hurting.

My Owner held me and let me cry and be sad and also helped talk to me and one thing stood out to me, for some reason - the way that She kept Her eyes locked on mine. She sat in front of me and I could feel Her eyes staying solidly on me, and I felt safe and held by Her gaze.

I am loved.

Simple Service

Sometimes, service is simple.

It's a holiday and things don't go quite the same when there are so many different things swirling all around us. But, still, there is something to said for quietly assisting my Owner with the turkey or making Her coffee in the morinng - even today. There is something to be said for taking a moment away from what is going on my own head to offer something up and to be mindful of Her needs.

Today has been difficult since the excitement and distraction of presents and stockings as I deal with the pain of loss, but even here, within this - there is service. I think today I have been acutely aware of how much those little things can matter, particularly when I'd really rather just be curled up in a corner paying attention to no one but myself while I process.

It really is about staying grounded, staying sane, and not losing sight of the important things because my heart hurts.

My Owner has been gentle and supportive and understanding of me being wherever I need to be - and I love Her so much.

Wrecked...

I got some really bad news yesterday - the loss of someone very dear to me. I am not myself, but in some way I find enormous comfort in my submission. I fear that I am at risk of becoming so overwhelmed by emotions that I just don't do anything. Doing some chores and keeping up the expectations my Owner has of me during my time off of work will be a healthy outlet I think.

One of these expectations is to update this blog daily. I missed yesterday but had begun a post which I will finish - see below...

----

My Owner has been a ravenous beast the last few days, and I am certainly not complaining! Sunday night... well... you've already read about Sunday night!

As it just so happens, my beloved Owner really... REALLY liked reading about the events of Sunday night! She was in a Mood when I got home and ordered me upstairs where She proceeded to ravish me again!

She proceeded to use me quite thoroughly again on Tuesday night....

And Wednesday afternoon, it all culminated in an afternoon romp whereupon She stripped me bare, filled me with the Nexus plug in my ass, the Smartballs in my cunt and the Layaspot vibe against my clit and layed me, face down, on the bed where She gave me the most mindblowing spanking and caning of my life. Filled like that, I was simply immobilized. I couldn't squirm (well, I could but it was pretty overwhelming when I tried, so I didn't). And when She ordered it, as She spanked me ever harder, I came - my whole body exploding as She paddled my ass so hard with Her bare hands.

Four solid days of hot, hot sex and I am a very contented slave, in that way, with the marks to prove it.

And, my Owner? She is a 'tudmuffin!

Good Girl/Bad Girl

Daddy started a system of discipline for me not very long ago and the system came with a couple of basic rules.

I'm not allowed to chew or pick at my fingernails/cuticles/lip (bad nervous habit) nor am I allowed to swear or use bad gestures.

The system is two jars. I start the week with one filled with 600 pennies or $6.00, symbolically. Throughout the week, every time I break one of the rules or other arbitrary ones (poor attitude, pouting inappropriately, etc), Daddy tells me to take out however many pennies that She decides that particular transgression should cost me out of the Good Girl Jar and move them over to the Bad Girl Jar.

My good girl jar is covered in little fairy stickers and my bad girl jar has silly monster stickers on it. Then, at the end of the week, I have however much money as I do pennies in the good girl jar that I can spend on silly things just for me. I like that I always start out the week with my Good Girl Jar full!

I use my good girl money for things like apps for my ipod touch or treats or other things. It works really well and has started to work even when i'm not around Daddy. I swear a lot less now, even my friends have noticed!

Most especially, it is nice to have a way to have consistent discipline even when we're not alone. The teenagers think it's funny and having 'swear jars' is something they know other adults have done so it doesn't strike them oddly and this way Daddy can 'punish' me for bad behaviour anytime without needing to wait for when we are alone. The jars are clear so I can see how well I'm doing that week by how full the good girl (or conversely, bad girl) jar is.

I'm really grateful for this system because it makes me feel very loved and cared for to have a consistent discipline system in my life. I'm very goal-oriented and also really find beauty in punishment.

Thank You, Daddy!

Body, Mind, Heart, and Soul

My Owner was going out to do some Christmas shopping but before She left, She gave me my orders. "Every hour, on the hour, you are to play for five minutes - but you may not cum. You may not cheat, you must play like you MEAN it." I looked up at Her, pouting just a little. I was already desperate for Her cock, it had been too long, and this assignment meant certain torture. But Syr followed this up by adding, "And if you are a very good girl, and don't cheat, I might let you suck my cock later." A warm heat rushed through me. My Owner knows how much I love worshiping Her cock with my mouth.

Thankfully, Syr's errands didn't take as long as expected. I'd had to play at 4pm, 5pm, and 6pm, and She was home by 6:30. She is more efficient than I when She shops. When She got home, it was clear She was exhausted by the experience of braving the Christmas crowds. Her feet hurt, Her legs were sore and She was tired. She took a hot bath and I finished up the wrapping I was doing. We chatted for a bit and then She decided it was time for bed and maybe a movie. I made it clear that while the assigned torture had been... well.. torture, I knew She wasn't feeling Her best and suggested a movie. "Maybe..." She noncommittally replied and headed upstairs to leave me to do the tidying up and shutting down of the house for bed.

When I got to the bedroom, Fully clothed, my Owner stood before me, arms crossed over Her chest and eyes flashing with Her particular brand of mischief. I was caught off guard and my eyes fell to the thick hardness I could see under Her pants, along Her thigh. I grinned wickedly and impishly back at Her, feeling rather bold myself.

In a flash, my Owner had my nipples between Her fingers, through my thin tee-shirt. (She has such a knack for finding them instantly!) and She pulled them up forcing me up onto my tiptoes as I whimpered in protest. "What is that defiant look all about?" She growled.

"What defiant look?" I replied, the bratty side of me not quite ready to settle down yet...

"That one." Syr replied looking directly into my eyes as She suddenly pulled my nipples harder.. and higher until I whimpered in pain.

"Now," She began, "who owns you?"

"You do, Syr" I meekly replied, squinting my eyes against the sharp pain in my nipples.

Satisfied for the time being, She released my nipples. "Why are you still dressed?".

I quickly tugged my tee shirt up over my head and unclasped my bra, tossing both to the side.

"Keep going." Syr demanded as I removed my pants and panties, standing naked in front of Her. She pressed against me, the cotton of Her black, sleeveless shirt brushing across my sensitive nipples as She took my wrists and pinned me up against the cold wall behind me eliciting a gasp of shock.

With Her knee, She pressed my thighs apart and leaned into me with Her body - making me acutely aware of Her, fully clothed, and me fully nude. She knows how the contrast of clothed versus non-clothed affects me and, as intended, I felt my place acutely. She kissed my neck, Her teeth nipping at me, growling against me before letting go and stepping back to the center of the room. With one finger pointed down, She snapped and I moved to stand in front of Her. Her hand tangled in my hair and pulled me to my knees in front of Her.

"Open my pants, slave." She murmured, Her voice husky with desire.

My fingers moved, trembling, to unbutton and unzip Her pants, pausing a moment as She continued. "Take out My cock."

I needed a little help dislodging Her large cock from Her pants. Once it was free, I leaned in eagerly but my Owner stopped me, Her hand closing around Her cock just behind the head as She held my head back with the hand She still had buried in my hair.

"What do you want, little girl?" She asked, keeping Her cock mere centimeters from my lips. I whimpered.."Your cock" as I strained against the pull on my hair, desperately wanting to feel Her cock filling my mouth.

"Then ask." She said, a laugh playing at the corners of Her lips. "Ask Me for what you want, slave."

"Please, Syr... Please may I suck Your cock?" I whimpered, desperate to feel it.

She pulled my head closer then, but Her hand blocked all but the very tip of the head. This didn't stop me from doing the best I could, anyway, though as I let my tongue swirl around the head, my lips pressed against the fingers that kept me from taking Her cock even deeper.

After teasing me this way for some time, She moved Her hand back, letting Her cock glide smoothly along my tongue until it nudged at the back of my throat. I moaned my pleasure and gratitude as She began moving Her hips, fucking my mouth slowly. My hands moved to the front of Her thighs, gripping them through the bunched fabric of Her pants and then they were at Her cock and then back at Her thighs. She grabbed both of my hands and pressed them back into place on the front of Her thighs and ordered gruffly, "Keep them there."

In response, I dug my nails back in and held on tight as She began driving Her cock deep into my mouth, moving Her hips faster as Her hands curled into the back of my head so tightly. "Cum." She ordered and I felt my body shudder as I complied. She took my mouth, fucking me and I moaned as I felt the smooth, silky friction of Her cock. "Don't bite My cock, slave" She warned and increased Her tempo. I kept my teeth back, opening wide for the onslaught of Her cock. I felt so taken, so claimed and I could feel the wetness accumulating as I grew swollen and needy to feel Her cock deep inside my pussy.

The sounds I made around my Owner's cock varied between moans of absolute pleasure and whimpers that betrayed my growing desperation. Suddenly, She stopped moving Her hips, holding very still... "Work My cock, slave, show me how badly you need it." She ordered, loosening Her grip on my hair as I began working my mouth up and down Her cock, taking it as deep as I possibly could, swirling my lips around it as I triggered, momentarily, my own gag reflex with my enthusiasm. "Cum!" She ordered again, and again I trembled and shook as I came around Her cock.

"Good girl" crooned my Owner in reply as She took over once again, driving Her cock between my eager lips faster and faster as She ordered "beg Me to fuck you" and then pulled Her cock roughly away. "Please Syr," I begged with all sincerity, "Please fuck me..."

"Get in position." She demanded and I complied without hesitation, laying the waiting towel out beneath me and opening my thighs to receive Her. She looked down at me, fire in Her eyes as She applied lube to Her already moistened cock and, bracing one hand on either side of my head, drove Her cock inside of me to the hilt on the first thrust.

She moved inside of me with ease and wasted no time in quickening Her pace. "Cum!" She ordered, early on as She prefers so that She can feel the way my insides swell and grip Her, becoming tighter around Her making me ever more sensitive for the onslaught that was to come - and come it did. She fucked me with a furious pace, slamming Her cock into me so deeply again and again. I begged for release often and sincerely and came wildly each time She ordered it.

And then something in the movements She was making shifted. She ground deeper and harder against me and I could feel and see the muscles in Her shoulders, arms, and even thighs tensing in that deliciously telling way. My Owner was close to cumming inside me! I reached my hands into the sleeves of Her tee shirt and scratched my nails along Her skin, silently urging Her to cum. She ground harder, and faster, and ordered me to cum and I did, clamping my cunt down so hard onto Her cock as she drove it deep and hard inside me, pressing against me with incredible force as Her own release began to rush through Her. Her groan of release coupled with yet another command to cum and we came to a shuddering climax together and She kept moving Her cock inside me as She continued to cum, far longer than I am used to eliciting even more orgasmic clenching from my own body.

Her cock remained deep inside me, my body pulsing around it, but She wasn't done with me, not yet. After a moment to recover from Her own intense orgasm, She slowly began to move inside of me again, ignoring the pressure against Her own sensitive clit behind Her cock as She worked up the pace, Her hands back in my hair, tangling, pulling me even harder against Her. Before long, She was fucking me wildly again, demanding my compliance, my surrender. I bucked against Her with every climax.

Her cock was feeling hot now, as if it was burning me up from the inside. She paused to add more lube but we both knew the friction from earlier was what was causing the sensation which was both wicked and wonderful.

But She wasn't done, not yet.... and honestly, neither was I. She fucked me still, and then She let me beg.... for so long. She fucked me harder, and harder as I pleaded for another release - yet she held me off. She fucked me hard and fast, but then long... and slow, drawing the moans and whimpers out of me as She artfully worked me over.

Finally, She decided it was time. "Who owns You little girl?" and drove Her cock into me HARD as I replied "You do, Syr!!". "Forever." She stated and again drove in as I replied obediently, "Forever, Syr!".

"Body... repeat, Slave." She growled and again timed Her thrust with my reply... "Body..."

"Mind.." again Her cock slammed into my body as I replied... "Mind!!"

"Heart!" She announced and pressed so deep.... "Heart!!!" I whimpered

"SOUL!" She growled and drove even deeper.... "SOUL!" I cried out.

"CUM, slave!" She ordered.... and I came, hard, clenching down on Her cock, thrashing wildly as She pressed Her lips against my neck, holding Her cock so deep into my body, holding me so tight.

We layed there, tangled in each other, heaving with the energies spent from passion.

"Thank you, Syr" I whispered in adoring gratitude.

"You're welcome, little girl." She whispered in reply, pressing Her lips so softly against my temples.

Place of Vulnerability

A couple of months ago, Syr, a friend of ours, and myself were at our local toy store, perusing the goodies for sale. Syr needed a new cock, having just discovered that She had to retire the previous one.

It took us a long time to pick out a new cock, the last was so beloved by us both. Sadly, however, the previous one had been discontinued as had its similarly sized competitor. Are there no size queens left in queer-ville?!? Why do the biggest, juciest cocks keep getting discontinued?

In any case, we did find a deliciously smooth cock while, of slightly less girth, was still nice and long. Syr was dubious about the lack of texture along the cock - but all I could think of was how lovely it would be to suck such a smooth, silky cock. When I mentioned this perk to the texture, Syr felt a lot better about Her choice. But, I digress...

I was still browsing the store, just for fun, when my eyes fell on a small display of little, silicone butt plugs. Syr saw where my eyes were and breezily ordered, "Pick one." and then wandered away.

I stood there, silently stammering surprise and weak objections in my head while Syr was likely slyly watching (and enjoying) my stunned silence. I spun and gave Her a questioning look. She'd never shown any interest in exploring anal play before. She just nodded and reiterated - "Pick one."

I could feel myself blushing as I thought of the possibilities. I'd only explored anal play twice before. Once was pleasant, once was not with the 'not' being more recent but there was something so thrilling about the way my Owner so casually decided that She wanted to give it a try.

I settled on a small, smooth, gently curved plug that didn't seem too intimidating and noticed that even the thought of Syr pressing it into my ass filled me with a deep sensation of what it feels like to be truly owned - of knowing that every part of my body is available for Her use.

It was several days later when Syr first played with me, there. I remember, still, how intensely and quickly I dropped into the sweetest subspace the moment I heard the snap of the latex glove she put on. The feeling of Her finger, pressing into me there was scary but not really. I was awash with trust and submissive adoration, even then. I knew I was safe, but it was such a deeply vulnerable feeling. The plug, being not much larger than Her finger felt wonderful once it was inside me. The result was that we both very much enjoyed the experience and were eager to repeat it.

One night, Syr pressed the plug inside of me, and had me get dressed again and proceed with my usual activities while filled. This was amazing as the plug was comfortable but it was not possible for me to ignore it and so even the simplest activity made me hyper-aware of my submission and vulnerability. The base of the plug being round though created some irritation after I'd worn it in this way for a while. My Owner mentally filed this information away.

Syr experimented with fucking me while the plug was in but it was so smoothly curved and small that it doesn't like to stay in whilst I am being filled with my Owner's cock. Several positions later, Syr found a way to make it work for the time being and it was amazing the sensations it provoked.

Then, a month or so ago, Syr and I were at a local exhibition of adult sex-related products and services, when She found a really lovely little anal toy called the Nexus Duo, which I just discovered is now discontinued! I'm glad we got one when we did! This little guy has a very narrow neck before the flared base which happily is not big and round but longer, more anchor shaped which means it can comfortably stay in my bum for longer periods without irritating me. It also... vibrates. It's not terribly quiet, that way, but for non-vibrating could discretely be worn under clothes for longer periods of time.

We've only had the opportunity to play with the Nexus once, so far - thanks in large part to the craziness of this time of year - but the once was... VERY exciting.

Syr pressed it into me, while it was vibrating, and I went wild. So wild, in fact, that She decided to turn the vibration off so that She could fuck me properly while it was inside me. It stayed put, much to Her satisfaction, and She added a small cozy and smooth vibrator to my clit while she fucked me and I am fairly positive that I turned myself inside out when She finally gave me permission to cum. It was one of the most explosive orgasms I have ever experienced.

While we have only just begun to explore anal play, I must say that what stands out for me is the utter and total vulnerability and submission I feel when my Owner accesses this part of my body.

Sit on Santa's Lap!

Also ...

Go ahead and sit on Santa's lap, over at Fetlife!! :-)

Tell him if you've been naughty or nice... though if you're reading my blog - I vote NAUGHTY! ;)

In any case, there are goodies to be won!

Sometimes, I yell at my Owner.

Sometimes, I yell at my Owner and sometimes I behave in really disrespectful ways.

It's difficult when we have an argument, especially one I start... maintain... and finish mostly on my own steam simply because I am being obstinate, selfish, or frustrated over something (and most especially when it's something really insignificant).

I have a long and glorious history with partners and biological family members of *not* defending myself. Of... 'taking it' in unhealthy ways. This is the reality of my past and of my childhood. And for years I 'took it' and 'took it' and then....

And then I started to grow up, to heal, to find myself - to learn strength and conviction and how to value myself.

And boy I tell you if the pendulum didn't just swing the other way! I spent so long 'taking it' that once I got used to the idea that it was okay to stand up for myself, I got a wee bit carried away. I didn't know how to defend myself "a little bit". If I felt hurt or slighted, I would feel almost instant adrenaline-filled rage and a desire to FIGHT (not physically). This sensation in my body would be consuming and I would find myself getting really really angry over the littlest things... things that in the end just didn't matter.

Learning to identify this reaction and put it in it's place, categorize the types of things I need to 'fight back' on and the types of things that could easily be chalked up to a bad day, a little bit of grumpyness, or otherwise unintentional hurts is easier said than done. Sometimes I succeed... and sometimes I don't.

It's a process. The episodes where I get that worked up over insignificant stuff are fewer and further between but they do still happen.

I am a slave, much loved by my Owner.

I am a little girl, much loved by her Daddy.

I am submissive, filled with a desire to please - to be a good girl.

It's really tough when I don't behave in a way that honors my Owner, that shows my love of my Daddy, that proves my desire to be a good girl.

It's tough because I don't like making bad choices. I don't like when my emotions take over and I let them get the better of me. I especially don't like when I can look back on my behaviour and identify disrespectful tone, behaviour, or meanness.

Respect is a goal I strive for and, sometimes - perhaps even regularly, I fail miserably at it. It's such a beautiful and good goal. And perhaps by even having the goal - it is making it easier to recognize, back down, and be sincerely contrite when I do make mistakes.

Logically, I know that it is normal to struggle. If I didn't struggle with this - would my submission and surrender to my Owner be real, or would it be an act? It was easier, in a way, when my submission was compartmentalized. My ex-Master saw me on the occasional weekend and - for that weekend - I maintained my role as slave, but when we were apart - was I always so consciously aware of being pleasing, of making Him proud, of being respectful? I thought I was, but it isn't the same.

I am with my Owner every single day. This is a blessing and a gift, but it presents different challenges as well. In the realities of marriage, parenting, jobs and the day to day activities involved in running a household, it isn't as easy to be mindful, all of the time.

And yet - it is my responsibility as my Owner's slave to strive to be mindful all of the time, not just on weekends or during phone calls. I don't get to turn it on or off. Treating Her with respect is the expectation and it is up to me to fulfill it. And this is a good and healthy goal.

We had an argument tonight, and it didn't last long. After maybe 15-30 minutes or so of me totally losing my temper (and losing sight of my place and what She means to me), I was right in the middle of insisting that I hadn't said something She'd said I said (I get very literal when I'm upset), when she just stopped me in my tracks with a very direct question - "Was what you said respectful or not?"

I shut up right away and whispered, meekly, "Not." All of the steam and fight in me gone, instantly, just like that as the reality of Her question hit home.

No, I hadn't been respectful... not at all. I'd been selfishly wrapped up in my own feelings, completely disregarding Hers, and holding on to my "point" out of pure stubbornness. The moment it hit home that I had been disrespectful, I was done. I knew at that point that there was no defense for my behaviour, nor any explanation.

Later, She made a comment, and I am not sure if She was joking or serious - perhaps a bit of both:

"Maybe, next time you have a question to ask Me, you should ask me while you are on your knees."

If I could keep that mental image of kneeling (whether or not my circumstances allowed me to phsyically do it) in my consciousness whenever I spoke to Her, a respectful tone and word choice would be much easier! It's certainly something to file away for later. I am a highly visual person, after all.

It is my opinion that - regardless of our dynamic, as my Wife, and my chosen partner, She always deserves my respect.

However, in light of our dynamic and my position in this relationship, I feel it is even more critical that I constantly work on improving my consistency in giving Her the respect She deserves.

And when I do, we both are better off for it.

Being Her slave is more than enough fuel to empower me for personal growth and this underlies everything I do. If I can learn from this experience, like the others, and become a better slave, little girl, and wife for it - isn't that the truest form of service?

Project Orgasm

I have to leave in five minutes, and I haven't posted to this blog in two months. That math doesn't quite work, but I did want to address Project Orgasm before I go with a contribution, even if brief.

The orgasm I want to contribute to is the non-physical, non-touching, purely verbal orgasm.

This gem is one discovered only through my connection with my Owner. I remember when I first began to wonder if it would be possible. We were long-distance, talking on webcam and MSN Live chat and I was staring into Her eyes, looking up at Her from where I sat, curled up, in my overstuffed armchair that I'd pulled in front of the computer. I was comfortable, clothed, having our usual evening, and absolutely enraptured by the sound of Her voice.

We hadn't met yet, we were lovers, playmates and friends and She was my Dominant, even then. But it was Her voice as She talked to me in low tones, that had me aroused beyond belief. Every nerve in my body was thrumming with desire and heat and anticipation for... I don't know what....

And I remember saying, so softly, "Sometimes, I wonder if You could make me cum with only the sound of Your voice." I'll never forget the way Her eyes twinkled and the slow smile that meant She took it as a challenge, and was accepting it.

A few days later, late in the evening, in our usual spots, She began talking - a live erotic story for my benefit as She described actions. We were past this point, usually, in our play as the cam and voice and chat allowed us to interact in more dynamic ways. She often had me using toys on myself and cumming by the touches I administered at Her command. But not this night.

On this night She ordered my stillness as I just listened to Her. The cadence of Her voice as it rose and fell describing as scenario between us, describing touches in excruciatingly delicious detail, and Her voice - always rising and falling in perfect harmony with the story She was weaving.

She spoke for a long time, and I was transfixed and my body responded in such intense ways it was nearly painful as She worked me over with Her words. She was watching me, watching my face, the intensity of my eyes and She played me like the finest instrument. When I felt as though my body could not possibly pulsate any more intensely than it was already, She stopped, the quiet itself stroking my body from a thousand directions and ordered, "Cum!"

And I did.

Ever since that night, My Owner can make me cum, on command, without even touching me. It takes determination, connection, and the right mindset between us - and it is complicated to explain, but when She sets out to do it, it always works. Sometimes, it works without touch or build-up but merely a countdown as She whispers in my ear 10.... 9..... 8..... until She reaches 1 and presses Her lips against my ear to growl "Cum!" or sometimes, it is as it was that first night, minutes upon minutes of agonizingly detailed storytelling and often it is somewhere in between the two.

But, it is the only orgasm I know that simultaneously satisfies and teases. I think it is one of my Owner's favourite activities both because it can be done so subtly and because it is an exquisite kind of torment. I must concur that it is a sweet paradox, indeed.