The Chase

I was in an odd sort of head space yesterday afternoon and evening. I am not sure why, but I slipped into this odd head space where I'm almost adrenaline-filled, hyper, and craving physical release of the non-sexual variety.

I'm not sure where this mood comes from, except I do know I've experienced it my entire life.

When I was young, I used to have an outlet for it. I would merely dare the boys on the playground - taunt and chide them until they chased after me. That exhilarating feeling of having pushed too far and running, running, running - was probably the best feeling in the whole world.

If caught, they would often put me in the 'dungeon'. It was harmless children playing, really. The dungeon was any defensible physical space on the playground that would result in my inability to escape.

Sometimes it was a spot under the slide of the big toy, with a couple of guards there to make sure I didn't get out until the bell rang. Once, I remember it was inside this big dome shaped climbing toy. I remember that one the most, because two boys circled it and kept me there until way after the bell, making me late for class. I was quite distressed because I didn't break the rules at school, and I knew I would be in trouble for being late.

My memories of this playground play are incredibly vivid, even still. I recognize it, in a fashion, now for what it was. Even at that young age I had far too much power to manipulate people around me, and control. I knew it. I was in a dysfunctional household/family where I was prized for being "good". But being good didn't mean being healthy. It meant that I knew how to kiss up, and make myself appear to be whatever my family members needed me to be so that I could fly under the radar, and hopefully protect those that I felt needed to protecting. Of course when you're 7 or 8 years old and doing that - obviously there's some pretty intense psychological game-playing behaviour being learned.

Subconsciously, I'm sure that I was aware that I was basically always manipulating/controlling the people around me - and it was psychological. And obviously that wasn't something that felt "good" to me. I wanted to give up control, be taken care of, not have to take care of everyone else.

And so this pattern was born. I would be in need of that release of control, so I would goad the boys until they chased me... controlled me.

The sensations in my body when I hit one of those moods today as an adult, are almost identical and I recognize the exact same sensations and remember the chase in the playground.

But within my submission and my dynamic with my Syr, where does that fit in?

If you guessed: "it doesn't" you're sort of right. Because in order for me as a submissive to goad my Syr into "chasing" me (or in its adult context: slamming me hard and fast into subspace), I have to REALLY do something bad. Really bad.

I don't WANT to do something bad, however, because my desire is to please Her not frustrate or anger Her.

So often I find myself hitting uber-brat mode. But more than that, my physical and psychological need is a physical outlet. So rather than the usual verbal teasing and playful brattiness I might fall into, instead I want to be physical. It's still playful, but what I'm wanting to do is wrestle, bite, throw ice down Her shirt - anything for THE CHASE.

And I restrain myself, usually, from doing anything REALLY bad and for the most part these moods are in fun. But of course - Syr knows She can't exactly reward the behaviour either.... whichhhh means no chase.

How do I reconcile that as a submissive? How do I, an owned slave, fulfill this long-lived need to push so hard that control is RIPPED from me? In these times, it's not about Dominance and submission, even. It's about raw power. It's about wanting to pit my strength against Hers in a physical way and LOSING.

It's about wanting to be TAKEN DOWN.

It's intense and overwhelming and very very hard to find an outlet for in the reality of the real world and our lack of privacy.

In any case, I recognized the sensations, the needs, the wants... in me. Syr did too, but I think it's a struggle for Her to determine the best way to respond to it. She doesn't want to reinforce the bad parts of this behaviour, even if she enjoys the playful aspects of it. So how can She respond? It's sort of a catch 22 for Her, because I WANT Her to slam me into the ground. But if She does so because I've goaded, then haven't I just manipulated Her (which is exactly the sensation I want to get away from when I'm in this head space)?

It feels like a double-edged sword no matter how one looks at it, doesn't it?

Syr waited until I was a bit better behaved and during those windows, She established control and dropped me several times early in the evening. She would pull my hair, put me on my knees - and each time, I would drop into that lovely subspace. But it lacked the dynamics of The Chase, and so that adrenaline-like feeling would take over again and my need would come back full force.

I had to go out for a few hours, then, and so was left to my thoughts and to examine it all in my head. I didn't come to any major conclusions, but I did realize that my need was my responsibility and that it was up to me to find a way to communicate that need to my Syr. I made a conscious choice to give up The Chase, in order to take responsibility for my needs. I was proud of myself, but I think only half-convinced that asking and receiving (in a best case scenario) would provide the same sensations as The Chase would. But I knew I had to try.

When I got home, I hesitated, and beat around the bush... and finally admitted I had a question to ask Syr, a request.

The sentence was formed in my mind, but oh my, I simply could NOT get it out. Syr recognized it was a D/s question instantly and Her demeanor slipped into that place where Her Dominant energy just swirls around Her and I find myself transfixed, and frozen, and nervous and little.

I managed to ask "Would it be okay if I knelt in front of You and..."

The ... was where I stopped. What I realized I wanted to ask Her was something so beyond what I could ever imagine ASKING for. I mean what I wanted to ask Her for is the sort of thing one isn't really supposed to want or need (at least according to mainstream society). I mean, asking for a spanking is easier (though still challenging) because at least that has more face-time in society these days. LOTS of people spank or like to be spanked, so there's some mental acceptability with it.

Syr kept encouraging me to finish, and I could see that sparkle in Her eye, the one that proves how much She enjoys it when I squirm and struggle to say something. Finally, with my face buried in Her neck I got it out...

"and.. and would You slap me, Syr? Please?"

*gulp*

Syr chuckled and held me close.

"And what if I say no, slave?", She asked. "What if I don't WANT to slap You?"

She bit my neck and I whimpered. I knew She wouldn't do it, if She didn't want to, and so I know that the point She was making was that it was HER decision. She was making it clear that I wasn't "topping from the bottom" and She knew it. She wanted to make sure I knew She knew it.

"Then kneel, slave."

I practically poured myself off the bed where we'd been talking onto the fur on the floor. She reached out a hand to run a finger along my jaw and I shied away a little. She reacted quick as lightning and placed my forehead down on my fur.

"Don't you dare shy away from the very thing you've asked for, little girl."

I whimpered softly as She placed her foot on the back of my head, the weight of it reassuring and I felt myself start to sink.

She directed me to sit up again and she wrapped her left hand tightly in my hair, pulling my head back slightly until I met Her eyes.

She said some things then, and it's a blur, because when I hit this place, mentally, it's like we're in a different world - out of space and time - a place that is wholly ours, and it is very much an otherworldly experience to the point where trying to describe it later always seems to dim in comparison to the experience of it.

She reminded me who I am, who owns me, and who is in charge.

The first slap across my cheek sent shocks throughout my entire body, it was so filled with the energy of Her.

She made me meet Her eyes. "Look at me, slave."

"MINE", She growled and delivered another slap.

Each time my eyes drifted closed as I floated on the energy of Her, She would tug just once on the hair gripped in Her fist and make me look at Her. That was so potent, seeing the raw energy there, the raw intensity.

A final slap and She held her hand over my mouth and nose for the briefest of moments, though it felt longer, and then pulled me into Her safe embrace with soft kisses to my forehead.

She directed me to bed, then, and I curled up against Her body, laying my head on it's usual pillow: Her shoulder, and whispered "Thank You Syr" against her neck as I was already floating away to the land of dreams on the peaceful floating sensations She'd just gifted to me.

"You're welcome, little girl." She whispered against my forehead before bestowing my goodnight kiss there.