A submissive's needs...

I read a post the other day at Confessions of an English Gentleman about a sub asking how she could encourage her Dominant to be more... well.. Dominant.

Syr and I were talking about it and She wanted my thoughts on the subject.

It's actually something that I feel I have some experience with as I have been in D/s relationships where there was a lot of s going on and just not a lot of D... not through anyone's fault necessarily but the result was I felt like without my constant work to make D/s a priority in our relationship, that it would have faded out of laziness and maybe even lack of interest in perpetuating the dynamic.

See, for me, D/s is about 80% psychological. I thrive on the emotional and non-physical part of the dynamic. Perhaps this is in part because I am really *not* a masochist like most would define themselves. Some kinds and levels of pain I enjoy, but I enjoy them in large part because of the dynamic involved. Without the dynamic, you're just hitting me and while the endorphins can be nice at times, as can the emotional release, it's the dynamic that keeps me feeling fulfilled and cherished as a submissive.

The mistake I made was thinking I *could* 'encourage' my Dominant to be more so. The result was I would either get incredibly bratty (which often deflated His Dominant ego when I got too out of hand) or I would try my hardest to be more and more submissive in hopes it would encourage a complimentary response.

Guess what? Neither of those tactics worked...

You know what I *didn't* try?

I didn't just have a candid, honest conversation with Him about my needs.

I learned from that experience.

As a submissive, or even as a woman in a relationship, I have the right to speak up and discuss what my needs are... and my wants... I trust my Syr to hear those needs and wants and to know the difference. If there is a *need* that She can't provide, we talk about it... and decide how important that need is (so far there hasn't been any She can't provide). The wants are absolutely at Her discretion, and She knows it, but it is a way to let Her know where I'm at.

A Dominant is expected to tell their submissive what they need and expect, and yet often I see submissives told they are 'topping from the bottom' if they try and return the favor... Perhaps some Dominants are threatened by this behavior.

I don't really know...

I do know that our relationship is still a relationship and our marriage is like any other marriage. We have to come together as two people who love each other first and make sure we are both feeling fulfilled. That is critical no matter what kind of relationship it is, and just like any other relationship, COMMUNICATION is key.

Although... *grins*

I must say... that when it's little cravings, sometimes just displaying my submission to Her openly and genuinely is all She needs to feel extra Toppy!