Catching Up...

Syr gave me a couple of assignments quite some time ago, and until now there has not been a realistic opportunity to write about them. I wanted to rectify that while I have a few minutes of quiet here in my office.

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Talk about things that used to be limits or that you used to find distasteful but that you now find exciting, appealing, or even crave and why?

Recently I have found myself suddenly wanting, craving, and desiring things that used to be things I would have considered soft or hard limits, things that I never would have found appealing.

It's been interesting to say the least.

What prompted this assignment, actually was a comment made in passing one day a few weeks ago. We were talking quietly in the kitchen and I mentioned that I would love for Syr to have a nice pair of black boots and then quietly, before I could think about it or stop myself, I said "so i can lick them...". We were BOTH stunned by my comment. Where the heck did that come from?

It's not that I have a boot or foot fetish, quite the opposite I used to detest when my former Master would have me even kiss his shoe. Ew!

Yet it wasn't "ew" with Syr... it was an intoxicating fantasy that flashed in my head and that I actually verbalized before I could even stop myself.

It's not that find myself fantasizing about licking Her boots specifically... more that I believe the action itself of kneeling at Her feet and kissing Her black boot-clad foot would be an incredibly moving and intoxicating experience.

It isn't humiliating to think about this action. Before, with others, it was a humiliating act and one I did not enjoy, it made me blush and not in a positive way. With Syr, the idea sounds nice... sweet... even loving.

There are other things too. I have been craving blood drawn at Syr's hands. I don't crave anything extreme, nothing like that. But the idea of Her knife running along my skin just hard enough to draw a fine line of blood? Oh my goddess that idea absolutely makes me throb with desire.

Lately I have found myself yearning to feel her palm tapping against my cheek in soft slaps.... or craving bare handed over-the-knee or over-the-lap type spankings. I have requested such spankings twice now and have verbalized my curiousity and desire to play with more face-slapping (light) type play.

Why? Where is this coming from?

I think the answer is fairly obvious.. it is trust, and it is knowing that Syr is not just paying lip service when She tells me She loves me and cherishes me and owns me. She means it, with every fiber of her being. She doesn't want to humiliate me, She wants to give me pleasure and fulfill my fantasies. She doesn't want to step on me, She wants to guide and push and teach me.

And my heart, my body, my spirit, my mind... they know the difference.

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Describe how the you that you are now would have responded to your former Master?

Syr wanted to know how the person I am today would have responded to my former Master, mostly out of curiousity and I believe to allow me to see how I have changed.

That's easy.

I would never have been attracted to Him in the first place.

Quite simply, the person I am now is someone who is empowered and strong, not weak or broken. I do not need my Owner to 'heal' me. I need my Owner to encourage me to be the strongest, best me that I can be. And my former Master would not have known what to do with that. His intentions were good (I believe), but He did not know how to respond or react or really 'handle' an empowered submissive, someone who knew who she was in every sense of the word. He wasn't interested in lifting me up, but instead breaking me down. He didn't intend to be harmful, and truly He did help me through some things, but the fact remains that He drew His Dominance from my submission... it was not an equal give and take and the me, now, would not be content nor satisfied on any level with that kind of dynamic.

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Syr has given me a new assignment. I am to pick a time each day, and at that time write whatever it is that I am thinking about.

My biggest 'roadblock' to this assignment has been trying to figure out what "time" I could actually be consistent. I haven't yet found the answer to that. So far, the best candidates I have are "as soon as i get home from work" (which isn't an exact time per se) "right before I go to bed" (also not an exact time, and I'm not sure this time makes a good candidate because I'm usually talking to Syr at this time), or "when I first get up in th emorning".

Right now I think "when I first get up in the morning" will probably win, though I don't usually power up my computer when I first get up in the morning, it might not hurt me to get up a few minutes early, do a little writing first thing when my mind is clear and not heavy with the worries and stress of the day, and then get ready for work. It might also help me establish some morning rituals which would be helpful.

I've been thinking and processing a lot about monogomy and my fears and anxieties around anything that I feel 'threatens' that so I do want to write about that, but it will have to be later or in another entry as I have some errands to run for now...

~alena