Humiliation?

Syr asked me, yesterday about how I felt about humiliation... in general.

I find myself being introspective on the topic because, for me, it is not so simple as "is humiliation good or bad" for me. It's more a matter of what KIND of humiliation.... what drives it.... or... is it?

Excuse me while I think out loud for a little while.... first, let me go back in my own personal history to delve into some of my more extreme personal fantasies that I have explored at one time... or another.

Or ... not.

Suddenly, I find the idea of delving into those old online-only fantasies to be something that makes me feel a little bit queasy. Why? I think, in part, because I was searching for something for a while, though I wasn't sure what.

I wanted complete surrender, complete submission... and I think at that time, I felt I could only get it by going more and more extreme, more and more *HARSH*, more and more... cruel.

And so I sought out online scenes or even relationships with Dominants who were into heavy-handed S/M, extreme humiliation....

And yet I didn't find it enjoyable for as hot as it was. Does that make sense? How can something turn you on but ultimately make you feel bad about yourself?

Yet, these did...

Humiliation was their main theme, most often.

"Bitch"
"Cunt"
"Whore"
"Slut"

Deconstruct these terms and they are not in and of themselves humiliating but in the right context, they can be. I sought tops who would treat me like an object because I thought that's what I desired and what I needed.

It wasn't.

I thought I enjoyed humiliation play. But the fact is that "humiliation" is not a positive experience for me. It's not a warm/fuzzy feel-good kinda thing.

And yet, now, today I find myself craving experiences with Syr and putting them in a whole different context.

When Syr whispers: "My little whore" to me.... I get a warm thrill racing up and down my spine. When She calls me Her slut, Her little girl, or even the one time She called me a slave, though it's not a term we often used, She acknowledge it is what I am to Her.... these are things I enjoy, that I love, that make me feel cherished and owned.

It makes me coo with pleasure and pride. I am Hers and I love being all things for and to Her. It is pride, not humiliation. And I know that in some ways, that was what I was supposed to feel before.. but I didn't... and perhaps the difference is in the level of relationship. I am devoted to Syr truly and purely with 100 percent of me. No other ever had my exclusive devotion before Her.

With Syr there is pure love, pure trust, and pure submission. Nothing holds me back, nothing makes me feel unsafe. I do not doubt that She will catch me if I fall. I do not wonder if She will give up on me, I know She won't. Most of all, I know that She respects me.

She owns me. She loves me. She respects me.I am Her slave in body, mind, heart, and soul in a way that I have never been slave to any other person.

And do I find myself craving humiliation?
No. Because nothing She could do to me, could feel "humiliating". I trust Her not to make me feel things that are unpleasant, unless it is for a very good reason. She has no desire to humiliate me.

Do I find myself craving things that could classically be defined as humiliation play? Yes.

I crave...
...Her hand in my hair as She presses me down to press a soft kiss on Her foot or boot
...Her whispered voice calling me Her whore, slut, slave, or pet.
...The sight of Her stone-face and firmly pointed finger when She silently orders me to kneel or lay where She is directing me to.
...The feel of her bare hands reddening my ass until it stings with the lightest touch as I lay over Her lap in a position old as time.
...The vulnerability of being made to strip, to stand naked before Her, to be present and open for Her.
...Her hands slapping my face, deliberately, as Her eyes remain locked on mine.

All this and more do I crave, not because these things are humiliating, but because they aren't with Her, for Her.

For some, humiliation is a core part of being broken down, of revealing who and what you are.

For me, it had it's place in my past, but has no place in my present.

My present is simple.

I want to be loved, to be cherished, to be owned, to be revealed, to be made to be vulnerable and to be reminded who I belong to. I want to be pushed to do the hard things, the scary things and know it will be okay. I want to be pushed to the brink of surrender and then pushed that extra inch until I'm tumbling into the darkness of Her arms and Her love forever.

This is what I want, what I desire, what I crave, and what I need.

~alena