What if we have to stop?

After reading yesterday's assignment, Syr asked me to write about how I would communicate a need to stop, if something we were doing that was new (or even if it wasn't) was becoming a 'bad' feeling instead of a good feeling.

We don't currently have safewords of any kind in place. That said, we are committed to each other and have spent enough time with one another that I am confident that Syr could and would sense true distress if I were experiencing it.

But, a very real dilemma could be that sometimes, when I am 'little' (in subspace to one degree or another), communication can be difficult for me and I think this is where Syr's concern might lie.

I also have some stigma in my own head related to safewords. In a way it feels like 'giving up' and so I hate to use them. I prefer to function on trust.

However there are some things that I'd like to play with more, that perhaps Syr would as well which are edgier, and require us both knowing that I can communicate my feelings to Her especially in the event that I feel frightened, unsafe, wierded out, etc.

So, what i wanted to talk about was what happens in my head when a pleasant or 'good' sensation whether it's psychological or physical becomes an unpleasant one.

The first reaction I have (desired or not) when something goes 'bad' in a scene, interaction, or activity is that I pop out of little-space instantly. It isn't a slow pull out, it's immediate. It can be very startling but is very clear.

I can think of some specific examples...

When in subspace I can find it hard to safeword when pain gets too intense... sometimes because I can still handle it... sometimes because I want to push through to that better (albeit darker) place.

But one time, when in a very deep subspace with my former Master, I was experiencing a flogging. A few falls from the heavy flogger wrapped too high on my shoulder, around my neck and it hurt in that really bad way and I *shouted* "red" (very angrily I might add).

My headspace was shattered and once that happened I was able to VERY aggressively let Him know that I was *done*.

There have been other instances, a pinch that hit just the wrong way... a flogger strike or cane strike that went awry...

In more pscychological or mental or mind-fuck styles of play the reaction is the same. When something goes bad, subspace is broken. It can be startling, but the good news is that once that headspace is broken, I *can* and *will* communicate my need for the scene or activity to end.

The communication barrier ceases to exist when I need things to stop.

In addition to that, the communication between Syr and I is very very good. I am comfortable talking to Her about topics I used to shy away from. There is very little that I could say to Her that even makes me pause or hesitate... knowing that means I feel confident that if we are doing anything that turns out to be less pleasant than we would imagine it to be, that we could communicate that to each other.

~alena

Humiliation?

Syr asked me, yesterday about how I felt about humiliation... in general.

I find myself being introspective on the topic because, for me, it is not so simple as "is humiliation good or bad" for me. It's more a matter of what KIND of humiliation.... what drives it.... or... is it?

Excuse me while I think out loud for a little while.... first, let me go back in my own personal history to delve into some of my more extreme personal fantasies that I have explored at one time... or another.

Or ... not.

Suddenly, I find the idea of delving into those old online-only fantasies to be something that makes me feel a little bit queasy. Why? I think, in part, because I was searching for something for a while, though I wasn't sure what.

I wanted complete surrender, complete submission... and I think at that time, I felt I could only get it by going more and more extreme, more and more *HARSH*, more and more... cruel.

And so I sought out online scenes or even relationships with Dominants who were into heavy-handed S/M, extreme humiliation....

And yet I didn't find it enjoyable for as hot as it was. Does that make sense? How can something turn you on but ultimately make you feel bad about yourself?

Yet, these did...

Humiliation was their main theme, most often.

"Bitch"
"Cunt"
"Whore"
"Slut"

Deconstruct these terms and they are not in and of themselves humiliating but in the right context, they can be. I sought tops who would treat me like an object because I thought that's what I desired and what I needed.

It wasn't.

I thought I enjoyed humiliation play. But the fact is that "humiliation" is not a positive experience for me. It's not a warm/fuzzy feel-good kinda thing.

And yet, now, today I find myself craving experiences with Syr and putting them in a whole different context.

When Syr whispers: "My little whore" to me.... I get a warm thrill racing up and down my spine. When She calls me Her slut, Her little girl, or even the one time She called me a slave, though it's not a term we often used, She acknowledge it is what I am to Her.... these are things I enjoy, that I love, that make me feel cherished and owned.

It makes me coo with pleasure and pride. I am Hers and I love being all things for and to Her. It is pride, not humiliation. And I know that in some ways, that was what I was supposed to feel before.. but I didn't... and perhaps the difference is in the level of relationship. I am devoted to Syr truly and purely with 100 percent of me. No other ever had my exclusive devotion before Her.

With Syr there is pure love, pure trust, and pure submission. Nothing holds me back, nothing makes me feel unsafe. I do not doubt that She will catch me if I fall. I do not wonder if She will give up on me, I know She won't. Most of all, I know that She respects me.

She owns me. She loves me. She respects me.I am Her slave in body, mind, heart, and soul in a way that I have never been slave to any other person.

And do I find myself craving humiliation?
No. Because nothing She could do to me, could feel "humiliating". I trust Her not to make me feel things that are unpleasant, unless it is for a very good reason. She has no desire to humiliate me.

Do I find myself craving things that could classically be defined as humiliation play? Yes.

I crave...
...Her hand in my hair as She presses me down to press a soft kiss on Her foot or boot
...Her whispered voice calling me Her whore, slut, slave, or pet.
...The sight of Her stone-face and firmly pointed finger when She silently orders me to kneel or lay where She is directing me to.
...The feel of her bare hands reddening my ass until it stings with the lightest touch as I lay over Her lap in a position old as time.
...The vulnerability of being made to strip, to stand naked before Her, to be present and open for Her.
...Her hands slapping my face, deliberately, as Her eyes remain locked on mine.

All this and more do I crave, not because these things are humiliating, but because they aren't with Her, for Her.

For some, humiliation is a core part of being broken down, of revealing who and what you are.

For me, it had it's place in my past, but has no place in my present.

My present is simple.

I want to be loved, to be cherished, to be owned, to be revealed, to be made to be vulnerable and to be reminded who I belong to. I want to be pushed to do the hard things, the scary things and know it will be okay. I want to be pushed to the brink of surrender and then pushed that extra inch until I'm tumbling into the darkness of Her arms and Her love forever.

This is what I want, what I desire, what I crave, and what I need.

~alena

Catching Up...

Syr gave me a couple of assignments quite some time ago, and until now there has not been a realistic opportunity to write about them. I wanted to rectify that while I have a few minutes of quiet here in my office.

~~~

Talk about things that used to be limits or that you used to find distasteful but that you now find exciting, appealing, or even crave and why?

Recently I have found myself suddenly wanting, craving, and desiring things that used to be things I would have considered soft or hard limits, things that I never would have found appealing.

It's been interesting to say the least.

What prompted this assignment, actually was a comment made in passing one day a few weeks ago. We were talking quietly in the kitchen and I mentioned that I would love for Syr to have a nice pair of black boots and then quietly, before I could think about it or stop myself, I said "so i can lick them...". We were BOTH stunned by my comment. Where the heck did that come from?

It's not that I have a boot or foot fetish, quite the opposite I used to detest when my former Master would have me even kiss his shoe. Ew!

Yet it wasn't "ew" with Syr... it was an intoxicating fantasy that flashed in my head and that I actually verbalized before I could even stop myself.

It's not that find myself fantasizing about licking Her boots specifically... more that I believe the action itself of kneeling at Her feet and kissing Her black boot-clad foot would be an incredibly moving and intoxicating experience.

It isn't humiliating to think about this action. Before, with others, it was a humiliating act and one I did not enjoy, it made me blush and not in a positive way. With Syr, the idea sounds nice... sweet... even loving.

There are other things too. I have been craving blood drawn at Syr's hands. I don't crave anything extreme, nothing like that. But the idea of Her knife running along my skin just hard enough to draw a fine line of blood? Oh my goddess that idea absolutely makes me throb with desire.

Lately I have found myself yearning to feel her palm tapping against my cheek in soft slaps.... or craving bare handed over-the-knee or over-the-lap type spankings. I have requested such spankings twice now and have verbalized my curiousity and desire to play with more face-slapping (light) type play.

Why? Where is this coming from?

I think the answer is fairly obvious.. it is trust, and it is knowing that Syr is not just paying lip service when She tells me She loves me and cherishes me and owns me. She means it, with every fiber of her being. She doesn't want to humiliate me, She wants to give me pleasure and fulfill my fantasies. She doesn't want to step on me, She wants to guide and push and teach me.

And my heart, my body, my spirit, my mind... they know the difference.

~~~

Describe how the you that you are now would have responded to your former Master?

Syr wanted to know how the person I am today would have responded to my former Master, mostly out of curiousity and I believe to allow me to see how I have changed.

That's easy.

I would never have been attracted to Him in the first place.

Quite simply, the person I am now is someone who is empowered and strong, not weak or broken. I do not need my Owner to 'heal' me. I need my Owner to encourage me to be the strongest, best me that I can be. And my former Master would not have known what to do with that. His intentions were good (I believe), but He did not know how to respond or react or really 'handle' an empowered submissive, someone who knew who she was in every sense of the word. He wasn't interested in lifting me up, but instead breaking me down. He didn't intend to be harmful, and truly He did help me through some things, but the fact remains that He drew His Dominance from my submission... it was not an equal give and take and the me, now, would not be content nor satisfied on any level with that kind of dynamic.

~~~

Syr has given me a new assignment. I am to pick a time each day, and at that time write whatever it is that I am thinking about.

My biggest 'roadblock' to this assignment has been trying to figure out what "time" I could actually be consistent. I haven't yet found the answer to that. So far, the best candidates I have are "as soon as i get home from work" (which isn't an exact time per se) "right before I go to bed" (also not an exact time, and I'm not sure this time makes a good candidate because I'm usually talking to Syr at this time), or "when I first get up in th emorning".

Right now I think "when I first get up in the morning" will probably win, though I don't usually power up my computer when I first get up in the morning, it might not hurt me to get up a few minutes early, do a little writing first thing when my mind is clear and not heavy with the worries and stress of the day, and then get ready for work. It might also help me establish some morning rituals which would be helpful.

I've been thinking and processing a lot about monogomy and my fears and anxieties around anything that I feel 'threatens' that so I do want to write about that, but it will have to be later or in another entry as I have some errands to run for now...

~alena

A submissive's needs...

I read a post the other day at Confessions of an English Gentleman about a sub asking how she could encourage her Dominant to be more... well.. Dominant.

Syr and I were talking about it and She wanted my thoughts on the subject.

It's actually something that I feel I have some experience with as I have been in D/s relationships where there was a lot of s going on and just not a lot of D... not through anyone's fault necessarily but the result was I felt like without my constant work to make D/s a priority in our relationship, that it would have faded out of laziness and maybe even lack of interest in perpetuating the dynamic.

See, for me, D/s is about 80% psychological. I thrive on the emotional and non-physical part of the dynamic. Perhaps this is in part because I am really *not* a masochist like most would define themselves. Some kinds and levels of pain I enjoy, but I enjoy them in large part because of the dynamic involved. Without the dynamic, you're just hitting me and while the endorphins can be nice at times, as can the emotional release, it's the dynamic that keeps me feeling fulfilled and cherished as a submissive.

The mistake I made was thinking I *could* 'encourage' my Dominant to be more so. The result was I would either get incredibly bratty (which often deflated His Dominant ego when I got too out of hand) or I would try my hardest to be more and more submissive in hopes it would encourage a complimentary response.

Guess what? Neither of those tactics worked...

You know what I *didn't* try?

I didn't just have a candid, honest conversation with Him about my needs.

I learned from that experience.

As a submissive, or even as a woman in a relationship, I have the right to speak up and discuss what my needs are... and my wants... I trust my Syr to hear those needs and wants and to know the difference. If there is a *need* that She can't provide, we talk about it... and decide how important that need is (so far there hasn't been any She can't provide). The wants are absolutely at Her discretion, and She knows it, but it is a way to let Her know where I'm at.

A Dominant is expected to tell their submissive what they need and expect, and yet often I see submissives told they are 'topping from the bottom' if they try and return the favor... Perhaps some Dominants are threatened by this behavior.

I don't really know...

I do know that our relationship is still a relationship and our marriage is like any other marriage. We have to come together as two people who love each other first and make sure we are both feeling fulfilled. That is critical no matter what kind of relationship it is, and just like any other relationship, COMMUNICATION is key.

Although... *grins*

I must say... that when it's little cravings, sometimes just displaying my submission to Her openly and genuinely is all She needs to feel extra Toppy!

Excellence is a habit

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. ~Aristotle

I found this quote to be stirring. It is a pure and simple truth. It matters not how very badly we want to behave a certain way. It does not become who we are until we behave a certain way with some consistency.

Wow.

Talk about your lightbulb-flipping on kind of moment!

Consistency is something I've spoken on quite a bit in my discussions with others about the success (or not) of a 24/7 D/s dynamic. So often I have seen and experienced D/s relationships landng themselves straight in the gutter due to little more than lack of consistency.

Why does this happen?

How does this happen?

I think, that for many it happens because we set unrealistic expectations for ourselves or our Dominants (or submissives). With Syr, we focus on crafting our D/s and how we relate to each other as Syr and little girl, as Owner and owned, around what is best for us both.

There are hurdles, to be sure. When aren't there?

There are times when I get little unexpectedly now (something that never used to occur for me before). I mean, I could be going about my regular day and 'boom' I have plumetted into sub-space and when I get little unexpectedly like that, I have found that I often need extra attention from Her.

It's a learning process and my 'experience' in the lifestyle before Syr is seemingly meaningless because this is a dynamic unlike anything I've ever known. Our power exchange is present in everything we do, though sometimes not obviously so and that definitely has it's benefits, and it's challenges!

But the truth in this quote strikes a chord deep within me.

If every night before sleep, I whisper to Her: "I love You, Syr. Goodnight, Syr.", it will become habit. If every time I wake, I ask Her permission before climbing out of bed, it will become habit.

Some of the acts of service, of slavery that I have found most impressive, that I have felt the most intimidated by exist because the submissives or slaves I am admiring have worked to build submissive or service-oriented habits.

They are such breathtakingly lovely slaves because they have taken the time to build these habits, these rituals, these trademarks of their service.

They inspire me.

They awe me.

But, most of all, they remind me.

They remind me that consistency is not just Syr's job, it's mine too. And I happen to find it to be one of my biggest challenges.

But that's what growth is really all about, now isn't it?

Punished...

I broke rules on Monday... a whole slew of them, I'm afraid. They were mostly health related. I am in the process of a weightloss journey and Syr helps me by enforcing rules we designed together. Well, I broke many of them. The result was that Syr handed down punishment, which I was grateful for, though I don't much like the punishments themselves. Yet, I am grateful because Her punishments mean that She cares, that She's paying attention, and that She won't let me slip and slide too far out of control. That's important to me.

No chocolate without permission.
No orgasms until the weekend.
And a 500 word essay.

Ouch. She almost denied me the priveledge of sleeping in the light neoprene wrist and ankle cuffs She bought for me, something that was only recently instituted as a nightly ritual. That is a ritual that I treasure and once before She punished me by denying me the right to sleep in them. It struck me deeply, so it is effective, but I am glad I didn't lose that priveledge this time.

I am doing okay without chocolate, though for some reason I find myself craving it far more now that I know I can't have it.

I am doing less okay without orgasms. I am usually allowed to masturbate to orgasm (once I've asked permission) nightly when we are seperated (which at present is approximately 5 nights a week).

And, I did finish my essay this evening, and even approached 900 words with it, so I hope that She is pleased.

I love You, Syr.

I love You, Syr.
I want to serve You, Syr.
I want to submit to You, Syr.
I want to experience pain that You give me, Syr.

I want to experience pleasure that You give me, Syr.
I want to surrender to You, Syr.
I want to be punished by You, Syr.
I want to be rewarded by You, Syr.
I want to please You, Syr.
I love You, Syr.

~*~*~*~*~*~

One of my tasks is to come up with something once per week that I must read out loud to Syr. This rule was created by Syr as a way to work on my difficulty speaking to Her from my submissive headspace. It's not an easy task and the above was one of the last ones I wrote for Her.

I read it to Her for the first time on Saturday. She liked it, and I have been tasked to memorize it so that I am able to say it to Her whenever She asks it of me, but at least once per day.

I really loved that She decided to do this, as difficult as it is for me, because it instantly puts me in a softer, sweeter sub-space. It is effective.... and also incredibly intimate.

I read it to her tonight (as I had not yet memorized it) and was not surprised to find myself suddenly very very little (little is a word I use to define my sub-space). I hope this ritual sticks around for a long, long time.

~alena

Our Story

Syr and I 'met' online in a completely unexpected place over two years ago. We connected instantly and, while neither of us were looking, we found ourselves connecting from the beginning on a Dominant/submissive level.

While I had years of formal BDSM experience (as a bottom, submissive, and slave), She had none.

Despite my experience, and Her lack of, we found that we meshed perfectly with one another. Over time, what began as harmless flirting became play partners and friends and then eventually we discovered we had fallen in love.

On January 23rd, 2006, Syr presented me with her 'collar' and I became more formally Hers, though I was Hers even before that moment. Her collar is a delicate sterling silver figaro bracelet that I wear on my right wrist. She picked it to match a heavy figaro sterling silver bracelet I had bought her for Her birthday in 2005.

Fast forward to today, and you will see a happily married queer butch/femme couple. We function as any couple does. We have everyday stresses just like everyone else. Our world is not seperated or segregated between our 'vanilla' world and our 'kink' world. It is all one.

I am always submissive to Her, regardless of how much that submission is displayed at any given time in any obvious way. She is always Dominant to me, also regardless of any obvious displays.

Sometimes, our kink is very subtle and survives on the smallest nuances and softest gestures: a look, a touch, the way we hold hands. Sometimes it is slightly more obvious, like the way I make Her coffee for Her. And sometimes it is more obvious still.

Our relationship is that of Owner and owned, of Dominant and submissive, and in my heart, no different than a Master/slave dynamic although we choose not to use those words.

She is my Syr.
I am Her little girl.

This space exists because I wanted to have a place for the obvious and the not so obvious, I wanted a place to talk about my submission to Syr, of Her ownership of me, and of our loving Dominant and submissive relationship.
This is our story.

~alena