Last night, I was in a ... mood.
I'm not normally very assertive when it comes to sex. I tend to be more cute and coy about my attempts to seduce my Syr.
But not last night.
Last night I was aggressive, kissing and nibbling and whimpering against Her neck, whispering, "Please, Syr"
I laid out the towel on the bed, and pulled Her cock out of the drawer, leaving it on the bed to wait for Her. It was easy to see that She was amused and intrigued by my boldness.
I pulled my clothes off quickly, melting, naked into Her embrace and it was breathless moments later when She left me alone in the room so that She could wrap up a few things outside of the bedroom.
When She got back, I surprised Her again by waiting for Her, naked and kneeling on my fur, Her crop between my teeth.
Her grin when She saw me like that. Absolutely priceless and SO worth being brave, just so I could see it!
Although, Syr found a better way to reward me for my bravery. She grabbed me by the hair, kissed me soundly, and threw me over the bed, and beat me in deliciously quiet and stingy ways with the crop. (As an interesting sidenote, I've never been a huge fan of sting-pain, but this was positively delightful.)
Syr left me bent over the bed this way, my feet on the floor, my knees just barely supported against the wood frame and drove into me, to the hilt, in one stroke, pressing Her palm into my lower back, holding me down and growling, "Cum, Slave." in my ear and I did, right away, in that perfect moment of being filled so completely.
After that first orgasm, Syr drove me absolutely wild, and claimed me in such an intensely raw, passionate way, always with Her hand pressing against my back or pulling back on my shoulders or my hair. I love how that feels, Her hand pressing down on me like that - such a possessive action and I felt truly claimed.
That position was incredible. Being taken that way, from behind, is probably one of my favourites from a D/s perspective. Syr taking me that way makes me feel so owned, but Her cock of choice is so large that the usual doggy-style doesn't usually work, physically... and She rarely opts for the smaller cock. *grins* But bent over the bed, was perfect... all the intense physical drive of a 'from behind' encounter without the pain we encountered in other 'from behind' positions. And with the bed supporting the upper half of my body, I was in no danger of falling.
Syr took me with such abandon, it was clear that She was thoroughly enjoying the position and the access to my body that it gave Her. It felt like She took me this way for hours... making me wait, pushing me to my absolute limits, and then pushing me just a little bit father, driving me into utter and complete oblivion.
And it was... sublime.
Thank You, my Owner.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Sunday, April 20, 2008
The Peace of Surrender
There is so much peace in Surrender.
I was talking to someone the other day, online, whom I am just starting to get to know. And in the talking, was describing an experience I had with Syr not that long ago, where She danced with me. I realized in the dancing, as She led me, that it can be hard to let go and follow.
Maybe for some, it is easy. But I didn't find it easy. I did note that it was easier with Her than it had ever been with anyone else I had danced with. She's certainly a strong lead.
One thing I realized is that the impulse to 'help' when dancing and not just simply to let go and follow the lead, is the same impulse that makes it difficult to truly trust and surrender.
When Syr does something that I don't expect or don't feel prepared for in an S/M sense, it's hard to relax into it, to trust. In a vanilla context, it's really the same thing. When Syr says "I'm angry, but it's okay, I just need to cool off.", that's something I need to trust. If Syr tells me to do something, and I don't fully understand Her reasoning for it, I need to trust, because She never asks me to do something for no reason whatsoever. There is always a reason and why do I struggle with simply letting go, giving in, and trusting? But I do.
At any rate, this conversation with my new friend, was yielding all sorts of fun little lightbulb moments and ideas about trust, letting go, and surrender. And in the process, I had this interesting thought about what it would be like to do a trust test, for Syr to blindfold me and lead me around somewhere, like the woods. I chatted with Syr about it. I was utterly entranced by the idea, if nothing else, to see if it would be easy or hard for me, to see where I really was at development-wise with my trust with Syr, and my ability to let go and really follow.
Saturday, Syr took me out for the day and we did some random exploring. Along the way, we found a beautiful little park that was quite out of the way. It wasn't necessarily an appropriate time to use something so bold as a blindfold given our surroundings, but Syr in Her spontaneity simply ordered me to close my eyes.
Duh. ;) I guess that WOULD be easier, wouldn't it? It also should have been harder. But I was amazed that I didn't try to peek even once.
She led me by the hand for a little while and I tried to focus and breathe and relax into simply holding Her hand gently, and trusting - knowing She would lead me. She had me open my eyes again just a few moments later and I was breathless for a few moments from the experience.
Later on that afternoon, we ended up in a different park, and it had a ledge with a concrete border that was elevated. Once again, Syr had me close my eyes and led me up onto the ledge, and walked me right along it for a while. The connection between us was electric. I knew that I was safe and I didn't even squeeze Her hand tightly, simply took things slowly and let Her lead me.
Then, She had an idea. She took me to an area of the park near a wall - and once again ordered me to close my eyes. This time, She wasn't touching me. She stood, a fair bit away, and reminded me to trust Her. And then She started giving me commands.
"Turn to the left"
"Step forward three paces"
"Turn to the right"
"Step forward two paces"
At one point, She had me continue to turn clockwise by turning to the right again, and again, and again. She moved around me, not staying in the same place so that I didn't know which direction I was facing or where I was headed at any time. She had me walk backward and varied the length of my strides.
Finally, I sensed... something... and my eyes flew open. I hadn't intended it, but I was a couple of steps away from a wall. I don't know why my eyes opened, but it was interesting. Syr was going to have me take a couple small steps and then put my hands out. But either way the experience was intense.
I sunk into this really amazing space listening to Her voice while She commanded my movements. And Her voice took on this quality that I can't really describe. It was a powerful, confident tone. It was... sure. And I found it easier than I thought I would to follow each command She gave me.
Afterwards, I was so little, and felt so loved and peaceful. It was definitely an experience that I will never forget.
I was talking to someone the other day, online, whom I am just starting to get to know. And in the talking, was describing an experience I had with Syr not that long ago, where She danced with me. I realized in the dancing, as She led me, that it can be hard to let go and follow.
Maybe for some, it is easy. But I didn't find it easy. I did note that it was easier with Her than it had ever been with anyone else I had danced with. She's certainly a strong lead.
One thing I realized is that the impulse to 'help' when dancing and not just simply to let go and follow the lead, is the same impulse that makes it difficult to truly trust and surrender.
When Syr does something that I don't expect or don't feel prepared for in an S/M sense, it's hard to relax into it, to trust. In a vanilla context, it's really the same thing. When Syr says "I'm angry, but it's okay, I just need to cool off.", that's something I need to trust. If Syr tells me to do something, and I don't fully understand Her reasoning for it, I need to trust, because She never asks me to do something for no reason whatsoever. There is always a reason and why do I struggle with simply letting go, giving in, and trusting? But I do.
At any rate, this conversation with my new friend, was yielding all sorts of fun little lightbulb moments and ideas about trust, letting go, and surrender. And in the process, I had this interesting thought about what it would be like to do a trust test, for Syr to blindfold me and lead me around somewhere, like the woods. I chatted with Syr about it. I was utterly entranced by the idea, if nothing else, to see if it would be easy or hard for me, to see where I really was at development-wise with my trust with Syr, and my ability to let go and really follow.
Saturday, Syr took me out for the day and we did some random exploring. Along the way, we found a beautiful little park that was quite out of the way. It wasn't necessarily an appropriate time to use something so bold as a blindfold given our surroundings, but Syr in Her spontaneity simply ordered me to close my eyes.
Duh. ;) I guess that WOULD be easier, wouldn't it? It also should have been harder. But I was amazed that I didn't try to peek even once.
She led me by the hand for a little while and I tried to focus and breathe and relax into simply holding Her hand gently, and trusting - knowing She would lead me. She had me open my eyes again just a few moments later and I was breathless for a few moments from the experience.
Later on that afternoon, we ended up in a different park, and it had a ledge with a concrete border that was elevated. Once again, Syr had me close my eyes and led me up onto the ledge, and walked me right along it for a while. The connection between us was electric. I knew that I was safe and I didn't even squeeze Her hand tightly, simply took things slowly and let Her lead me.
Then, She had an idea. She took me to an area of the park near a wall - and once again ordered me to close my eyes. This time, She wasn't touching me. She stood, a fair bit away, and reminded me to trust Her. And then She started giving me commands.
"Turn to the left"
"Step forward three paces"
"Turn to the right"
"Step forward two paces"
At one point, She had me continue to turn clockwise by turning to the right again, and again, and again. She moved around me, not staying in the same place so that I didn't know which direction I was facing or where I was headed at any time. She had me walk backward and varied the length of my strides.
Finally, I sensed... something... and my eyes flew open. I hadn't intended it, but I was a couple of steps away from a wall. I don't know why my eyes opened, but it was interesting. Syr was going to have me take a couple small steps and then put my hands out. But either way the experience was intense.
I sunk into this really amazing space listening to Her voice while She commanded my movements. And Her voice took on this quality that I can't really describe. It was a powerful, confident tone. It was... sure. And I found it easier than I thought I would to follow each command She gave me.
Afterwards, I was so little, and felt so loved and peaceful. It was definitely an experience that I will never forget.
500 Lines and 1000 Words
Friday, after I wrote my post about my bad behaviour, I had an evening event to attend, and Syr had the evening to read it and think about it.
By the time I got home that evening, She had decided what She wanted to do. She assigned me 500 lines, numbered and handwritten of this sentence: "It's ok to get angry." I was to think about that sentence while I wrote the lines. She explained Her reasoning for the choice of line for me to write.
I finished the first 325 lines Friday night and the remainder I finished this morning, as it had been a busy weekend for us both.
After I handed Her the stack of finished lines, including made-up lines for about 30 where I had written "It's ok to be angry" instead of "It's ok to get angry", She told me that I was to wrote 1000+ words about that sentence, what it meant.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
When Syr first told me that I was to write "It's ok to get angry", 500 times, I was surprised. It seemed an odd choice of sentence. I mean, I suppose if I was to write lines, I would have expected "I shall not slam doors" or "It's not okay to act out when I am angry" or... something. But the last thing I expected was, what initially felt like, a repeated line about how it's OK to get angry. I did remember my personal committment to trust whatever it was that Syr decided to do (or not do) about my actions during our fight the other day, and that put me in a receptive space to really hear what She was saying to me about why that sentence was so important.
Syr has observed that I tend to act out and spiral, and situations escalate between us, whenever I get angry. In Her observation, She expressed, it seems as thought I get freaked out by even BEING angry. I freak out if I get angry. I freak out if Syr gets angry. What She wanted me to work on, to think about, and to focus on during my punishment, was that feeling anger, experiencing anger - is normal, and ok. It doesn't have to be something scary, and it's not wrong for any person to be angry. It is each person's responsibility how they respond to that anger - but She seemed to pick up on something inside of me that just doesn't really believe it's okay for anyone to be angry.
At first I really balked. I was almost frustrated, because at the time all I could think of was "obviously I am okay with getting angry, given that I slammed a door!". But as I wrote each line again and again on the paper, and thought about it, I realized that Syr was onto something.
I thought of times I'd been angry as a child, or as a teenager in the home I grew up in. I realized that anytime I was angry, something bad always happened. I was shamed, punished, or lied to. I was never “allowed” to express anger. My role was to follow the rules and not make waves. My role was to be the “good girl” and in the house I grew up in, that meant not bucking authority – ever.
I thought of the times with previous romantic partners that I had been angry and of the fallout that I’d experienced. One ex would self-injure when she was upset. This was very traumatic. If I expressed anger, I could be starting a chain of events that could literally end in someone I love bleeding, or in one instance – overdosing on extra strength Tylenol and having to take her to the Emergency Room. One ex was so sensitive that any act of anger on my part would leave him acting as if I had just kicked him – a sensation that made me feel as if he was afraid of me – which really screwed with my head. I didn’t want to feel abusive, and so I just never expressed my anger, and stuffed it all down.
And then I thought of my history with people getting angry with me, and that was even more of an eye opener. In my family of origin, if someone were angry – it was a dramatic and often traumatic experience filled with lots of shouting and drama and even frightening things. If someone were angry with me, it always meant something big was happening, and I had to act quick, fix it somehow, stop it. My job was damage control, always. But usually in being “damage control”, my own emotions had to take a back burner. And I rarely found a healthy way to express my own emotion, my own anger.
So I made some connections between all of this and what Syr had me writing: “It’s ok to get angry”.
It’s okay for me to get angry? Really? Why was that so hard to wrap my brain around? Of course it’s okay. But I have all these blocks and so when I start to get angry, I get panicked, and I spiral and things escalate inside of me until I’m like a pressure cooker, ready to blow and I need to physically DO something. I suppose that’s partly why I end up yelling, or throwing something or feeling so bottled up that I’m ready to explode.
It’s okay for Syr to get angry? Really? Why is THAT so hard to wrap my brain around? Of course it’s okay. But it is scary when She is angry, because I think I am always afraid that if She is angry, that it means She is unhappy, or doesn’t want me, or might leave me. Hello. Insecurity anyone?
But that’s just what Syr mentioned to me in Her explanation of my punishment. It IS ok to get angry. It doesn’t have to mean something. AND it doesn’t mean that I somehow MADE Her angry. That is a harder thing for me to really absorb. I mean, She could be cranky, having a bad day, or maybe it is something I did, but that doesn’t mean it’s my job to make Her NOT angry. My job is to realize it’s not that big of a deal – we all get angry at each other sometimes, and I don’t need to panic.
Because, truly, that’s what I have been doing. I panic. I panic when I get angry. I panic when She gets angry. And if I can just relax and remember that we both have the right to feel and experience the emotion of anger, itself, then it will be much easier to make better choices about how I respond to Syr’s anger, and how I express my own.
Syr said: “You can choose to express your anger destructively or constructively.”
But She really believes that if I can put the emotion itself in a healthy place, mentally, the rest will be much easier. I think She’s right.
I do feel I need to work on strategies for expressing my anger constructively, when I feel it. It’s a well known fact that physical exertion expressions of anger are the “best”, according to experts on the subject anyway.
(By that logic, I wonder if Syr would agree to let me masturbate when I’m angry? Hmm...)
Okay, in all seriousness, I’d LOVE a little mini hanging boxing bags. One of those little teardrop shaped ones, you know? And some pink boxing gloves. Yeah baby. That’d be AWESOME! I should petition for that, a little boxing bag in our back room, maybe:
Space-Saver Wall Mount Kit:
Hmm... or even one of these fantastic pink desktop punching bags:
Whatdya say, Syr?
Friday, April 18, 2008
On being a bad, petulant girl
Yesterday started out well enough. I was actually having a marvelously wonderful "good girl" day yesterday.
I remembered my rules. There aren't many but all address challenging things for me (bad habits, lifestyle changes, etc). I was very conscious of my nail-chewing habit and hardly did it at all, all day at work. I did a little in the evening, but that was it. I counted all my points and planned healthy snacks and meals (weight watchers points). I took my yoga break. Those three, alone, definitely made for a good girl day.
And then - I got home.
I had the best of intentions. I was excited about making a yummy (but still low-fat) dinner for Syr. I had the unfortunate luck, however, to have started my period at a VERY inconvenient time and had to figure out getting bathed AND getting dinner started, so that Syr wouldn't have to wait too long for Her meal.
We had a miscommunication, though, in that Syr was wanting a bath but was going to wait until I had mine, and I had to have mine first for the aforementioned reason, but what I didn't know was that Syr was actually quite sore from work. She didn't just want a bath, it was something She was going to need, and She delayed Hers so that I could have mine - but when I got home, I was doing some futzing. I was trying to get some help from one of the boys to get dinner started so I could take my bath without delaying dinner, thinking of Syr's hunger. But in the delaying, I ended up frustrating Syr who, 20 minutes of futzing later, realized She could have had Her bath instead of waiting for me.
So we had a fight. It wasn't a big one, really. It was a lot of miscommunication from two PMS-ing females. ;) We are cycling together lately, which is both good - and bad. So it wasn't anything earth shattering, but I had a moment.
A bad moment.
She said something to me, that I didn't like, and walked away. It wasn't anything cruel, merely dismissive and frustrated. And I didn't like it. And I wanted Her to know it. I was angry and hurt.
So I slammed the bathroom door as hard as I could. And as the door shut in its frame, the heel of my hand went INTO the soft (cheap) veneer of the hollow door. *yelps*
I put a HOLE in one side of our bathroom door with my one act of defiance. I looked at it and quickly hopped in my super-shallow bath, and just started sobbing. I was angry and upset and hurt and my emotions were NOT appropriate to the situation. There was no call for me to be that freaked out, but I think what was hurting/upsetting me the most was knowing I'd just done something REALLY bad, and on a day I was trying to be so GOOD.
I'd lost my temper and I didn't even know how I was going to tell Syr what happened. But I didn't have to. She came into the bathroom a few minutes later... and saw it Herself.
We talked out what happened, with regard to the argument itself, and to Her credit, She stayed quite calm the whole time. We resolved the actual disagreement without too much fuss. Syr had Her bath while I cooked dinner...
I just couldn't shake the awful feeling that I was (am) just a terrible slave, terrible submissive, that I should never have lost my temper or acted out that way. I felt... feel... awful.
I know Syr was disappointed, really disappointed. That part really sucked. I spiralled, because I felt like my focus had been so good all day, I'd been focusing on Her, trying to be a good girl, follow my rules and in one moment I went from "good girl" status to "bad girl" status.
And if there's one thing that makes me feel awful, it's being a bad girl. I mean, we're not talking even just from a D/s standpoint. My whole life it was ALL ABOUT being the good girl, the one who followed the rules, behaved, didn't lie or sneak out of the house. Those few occasions that I broke the rules as a teenager, I was consumed with stress or guilt. I just far prefer to be the good girl.
How do I reconcile that with real emotion and real human fallacy? Humans make mistakes, we screw up, we lose our temper.
Syr told me lately that I am no longer allowed to have displays of anger/frustration. No throwing things or slamming doors or shouting. She asked me to explore why I reacted that way and what I was thinking at the time it happened.
It's hard to describe what I was thinking/feeling at the moment I slammed the door, or at any moment I shout or lose my temper. I know that I feel rebellious and angry and frustrated and most of all I feel like I'm being picked on. It's not logical - most of the time, Syr is just being angry or frustrated, but She rarely raises Her voice. She doesn't attack, even in anger. The worst thing She's ever done is walk away, shut down, etc. But when She doesn't respond the way I want Her to or when She doesn't say what I want Her to say... how I want Her to say it, when we're fighting or even when I'm apologizing, I feel like She's being *mean*.
Writing it out, now, two things become very very obvious.
1. These responses in me are very childish, almost regressively so. And I'll be honest, when in that headspace all I want to do is stomp my feet and bang my fists against the mattress and bawl my eyes out.
2. This is really the key now isn't it? "But when She doesn't respond the way I want Her to or when She doesn't say what I want Her to say... how I want Her to say it, when we're fighting or even when I'm apologizing, I feel like She's being *mean*" Exactly. I want. I expect. I control. *sigh*
In the end, my instinctive desire is for Her to respond to me in ways I expect and understand, not to be unpredictable. I want Her to "see it my way" and when She doesn't, I lose my temper or get really really wounded and feel like I'm being picked on. It's not rational, and it's definitely bred from my need to control/manipulate situations so that I am not caught off guard.
Thinking about it from this angle really helps me put it in it's place. My whole life until I was out on my own (and actually for much after that) was about everyone else having the control and their issues, their "stuff" tripping me up at every turn. Nothing was predictable. My life was a ticking time bomb. I was waiting for one family member or another or a partner to blow up, all the time. And when that happened, it was hurtful and traumatic - every time.
Living like that instills a certain fear in you. You keep waiting for the bomb to go off, and so even the mildest ticking, even the meaningless sort, sends you into panic that doesn't even seem appropriate for the situation.
And I think that's a huge key to my big upsets/freak-outs when there is tension between Syr and I. Anytime She gets upset with me, it's like I hear the ticking. She's NEVER been a bomb-force in my life like that. Not ever. She's always been stable and safe and loving and healthy for me. So the fear is unfounded. But even still, if She shuts down or gets angry, I have fear as if She is a bomb like the people in my past were.
It makes much sense now. The key is, deprogramming that fear - so that I can learn to trust and know that it's not ticking at all, but something completely different, and it isn't a sign that something bigger is or might happen. I need to learn to be in the moment.
And once again, it all cycles back to trust, and to surrender. Surrendering to the moment, trusting Her at face value when we have disagreements. Most of all, I need to work on relinquishing my need to try to affect the outcome. All I can do is be real, be honest, really listen, and most of all NOT panic.
And so there are a lot of lessons to take away from this.
This is the first time in a long time that I have desperately wished for punishment, real punishment, awful punishment - something severe and terrible. Atonement.
That is not something I'm familiar with. Yes I am grateful for punishment, always, because it helps me to have boundaries, and it makes me feel loved and secure to feel the containment that punishment offers. But I am not used to craving it for atonement, for forgiveness that's earned not just given to make me feel better.
I know that no matter what, it is a lesson in trust to accept whatever Syr decides to do about this. If She chooses to punish, then acceptance of that is a lesson to be learned. If She chooses not to punish, that is something I need to accept too because I know She knows what is best for me.
Whether there is punishment or not, I do desperately need Her forgiveness.
I remembered my rules. There aren't many but all address challenging things for me (bad habits, lifestyle changes, etc). I was very conscious of my nail-chewing habit and hardly did it at all, all day at work. I did a little in the evening, but that was it. I counted all my points and planned healthy snacks and meals (weight watchers points). I took my yoga break. Those three, alone, definitely made for a good girl day.
And then - I got home.
I had the best of intentions. I was excited about making a yummy (but still low-fat) dinner for Syr. I had the unfortunate luck, however, to have started my period at a VERY inconvenient time and had to figure out getting bathed AND getting dinner started, so that Syr wouldn't have to wait too long for Her meal.
We had a miscommunication, though, in that Syr was wanting a bath but was going to wait until I had mine, and I had to have mine first for the aforementioned reason, but what I didn't know was that Syr was actually quite sore from work. She didn't just want a bath, it was something She was going to need, and She delayed Hers so that I could have mine - but when I got home, I was doing some futzing. I was trying to get some help from one of the boys to get dinner started so I could take my bath without delaying dinner, thinking of Syr's hunger. But in the delaying, I ended up frustrating Syr who, 20 minutes of futzing later, realized She could have had Her bath instead of waiting for me.
So we had a fight. It wasn't a big one, really. It was a lot of miscommunication from two PMS-ing females. ;) We are cycling together lately, which is both good - and bad. So it wasn't anything earth shattering, but I had a moment.
A bad moment.
She said something to me, that I didn't like, and walked away. It wasn't anything cruel, merely dismissive and frustrated. And I didn't like it. And I wanted Her to know it. I was angry and hurt.
So I slammed the bathroom door as hard as I could. And as the door shut in its frame, the heel of my hand went INTO the soft (cheap) veneer of the hollow door. *yelps*
I put a HOLE in one side of our bathroom door with my one act of defiance. I looked at it and quickly hopped in my super-shallow bath, and just started sobbing. I was angry and upset and hurt and my emotions were NOT appropriate to the situation. There was no call for me to be that freaked out, but I think what was hurting/upsetting me the most was knowing I'd just done something REALLY bad, and on a day I was trying to be so GOOD.
I'd lost my temper and I didn't even know how I was going to tell Syr what happened. But I didn't have to. She came into the bathroom a few minutes later... and saw it Herself.
We talked out what happened, with regard to the argument itself, and to Her credit, She stayed quite calm the whole time. We resolved the actual disagreement without too much fuss. Syr had Her bath while I cooked dinner...
I just couldn't shake the awful feeling that I was (am) just a terrible slave, terrible submissive, that I should never have lost my temper or acted out that way. I felt... feel... awful.
I know Syr was disappointed, really disappointed. That part really sucked. I spiralled, because I felt like my focus had been so good all day, I'd been focusing on Her, trying to be a good girl, follow my rules and in one moment I went from "good girl" status to "bad girl" status.
And if there's one thing that makes me feel awful, it's being a bad girl. I mean, we're not talking even just from a D/s standpoint. My whole life it was ALL ABOUT being the good girl, the one who followed the rules, behaved, didn't lie or sneak out of the house. Those few occasions that I broke the rules as a teenager, I was consumed with stress or guilt. I just far prefer to be the good girl.
How do I reconcile that with real emotion and real human fallacy? Humans make mistakes, we screw up, we lose our temper.
Syr told me lately that I am no longer allowed to have displays of anger/frustration. No throwing things or slamming doors or shouting. She asked me to explore why I reacted that way and what I was thinking at the time it happened.
It's hard to describe what I was thinking/feeling at the moment I slammed the door, or at any moment I shout or lose my temper. I know that I feel rebellious and angry and frustrated and most of all I feel like I'm being picked on. It's not logical - most of the time, Syr is just being angry or frustrated, but She rarely raises Her voice. She doesn't attack, even in anger. The worst thing She's ever done is walk away, shut down, etc. But when She doesn't respond the way I want Her to or when She doesn't say what I want Her to say... how I want Her to say it, when we're fighting or even when I'm apologizing, I feel like She's being *mean*.
Writing it out, now, two things become very very obvious.
1. These responses in me are very childish, almost regressively so. And I'll be honest, when in that headspace all I want to do is stomp my feet and bang my fists against the mattress and bawl my eyes out.
2. This is really the key now isn't it? "But when She doesn't respond the way I want Her to or when She doesn't say what I want Her to say... how I want Her to say it, when we're fighting or even when I'm apologizing, I feel like She's being *mean*" Exactly. I want. I expect. I control. *sigh*
In the end, my instinctive desire is for Her to respond to me in ways I expect and understand, not to be unpredictable. I want Her to "see it my way" and when She doesn't, I lose my temper or get really really wounded and feel like I'm being picked on. It's not rational, and it's definitely bred from my need to control/manipulate situations so that I am not caught off guard.
Thinking about it from this angle really helps me put it in it's place. My whole life until I was out on my own (and actually for much after that) was about everyone else having the control and their issues, their "stuff" tripping me up at every turn. Nothing was predictable. My life was a ticking time bomb. I was waiting for one family member or another or a partner to blow up, all the time. And when that happened, it was hurtful and traumatic - every time.
Living like that instills a certain fear in you. You keep waiting for the bomb to go off, and so even the mildest ticking, even the meaningless sort, sends you into panic that doesn't even seem appropriate for the situation.
And I think that's a huge key to my big upsets/freak-outs when there is tension between Syr and I. Anytime She gets upset with me, it's like I hear the ticking. She's NEVER been a bomb-force in my life like that. Not ever. She's always been stable and safe and loving and healthy for me. So the fear is unfounded. But even still, if She shuts down or gets angry, I have fear as if She is a bomb like the people in my past were.
It makes much sense now. The key is, deprogramming that fear - so that I can learn to trust and know that it's not ticking at all, but something completely different, and it isn't a sign that something bigger is or might happen. I need to learn to be in the moment.
And once again, it all cycles back to trust, and to surrender. Surrendering to the moment, trusting Her at face value when we have disagreements. Most of all, I need to work on relinquishing my need to try to affect the outcome. All I can do is be real, be honest, really listen, and most of all NOT panic.
And so there are a lot of lessons to take away from this.
This is the first time in a long time that I have desperately wished for punishment, real punishment, awful punishment - something severe and terrible. Atonement.
That is not something I'm familiar with. Yes I am grateful for punishment, always, because it helps me to have boundaries, and it makes me feel loved and secure to feel the containment that punishment offers. But I am not used to craving it for atonement, for forgiveness that's earned not just given to make me feel better.
I know that no matter what, it is a lesson in trust to accept whatever Syr decides to do about this. If She chooses to punish, then acceptance of that is a lesson to be learned. If She chooses not to punish, that is something I need to accept too because I know She knows what is best for me.
Whether there is punishment or not, I do desperately need Her forgiveness.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
My Good Girl List
It's far too easy to pick apart what we do or don't do, and discuss our mistakes, our shortcomings, our hurdles, and our challenges. But I find it's not so easy to talk about the good things we do.
I have decided to start 'victory' lists. One nilla, and one kinky. This here, is the home of the kinky one. I'm calling it my "Good Girl" list.
Starting now, I will keep a running tally of the things I do that make me feel like I've been a good girl, a good slave for my Syr. Each time I think of one, or Syr notices something that even I didn't, I'll add it to the list. It's a bit of personal positive encouragement for me. :)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I have decided to start 'victory' lists. One nilla, and one kinky. This here, is the home of the kinky one. I'm calling it my "Good Girl" list.
Starting now, I will keep a running tally of the things I do that make me feel like I've been a good girl, a good slave for my Syr. Each time I think of one, or Syr notices something that even I didn't, I'll add it to the list. It's a bit of personal positive encouragement for me. :)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
My Good Girl List
4/15/08: I remembered to do my Yoga and I kept track of my food while at work.
4/15/08: I picked up a special lunch for Syr to take to work and surprised Her with it (Her own mini baguette and wedge of brie)
4/16/08: I remembered to do my Yoga and I kept track of my food while at work.
4/16/08: I sent Syr a text message that said "I love You, Syr." while at work.
4/17/08: I remembered to do my Yoga and I kept track of my food while at work.
4/17/08: Planned a beautiful meal for Syr and texted Her to tell Her I had a lovely dinner planned: "I have a lovely dinner planned for You, my Owner". *shiver-purr*
4/18/08: I remembered an assignment Syr had given me last night, and in spite of some big stuff that took up a lot of my energy, I completed my assignment first, because it was important to me to prioritize it.
4/18/08: I counted all my points and planned a healthy, tasty, dinner that I know Syr will LOVE.
4/18/08: When Syr gave me a punishment, I trusted it and prioritized it, working on it right away and not trying to put it off.
4/19/08: When Syr did a 'trust game' with me, I surrendered to the moment, relaxed, and trusted Her to lead me.
4/20/08: I kept track of my foods/points all weekend long.
Possession and Surrender (My Six Word Memoir)
Possession and Surrender ~ This was a concept I sort of discovered when I was burned out by the BDSM "community" and all the pretense and bullshit. I was done being jerked around and realized that I just couldn't do D/s if that's what it was about. And yet, some part of me still yearned to give up, give in, submit.... surrender. I found that even in my vanilla interactions with romantic or sexual partners that there was still an element of submission to the very energy that I brought to the experience.
And so, I started a discussion on a community list about this topic. Here are some excerpts from that discussion (my words/thoughts only):
"To me, to possess, to yearn to be possessed.. is more than just being Dominated... it is giving up ones self completely to the Other in that moment, moments, lifetime. It is a full and complete feeling and one that requires no props (though they are lots of fun!) And often, I find this phenomenon happens naturally."
"Surrender.. to surrender... to be surrendered to... implies again a more full and complete giving of ones self. To me, surrender means to let go completely. Away, go my inhibitions and self-consciousness and self-doubt. Away, go my nervousness and fear. Instead there is only the sweet softness of surrender. "
“Before, I submitted out of need. Now, I surrender out of choice.”
“To surrender is to allow.. It is to allow the lesson to be learned, to be received. It is to allow for perfect completeness of sensation and of trust. It is to allow one to permeate your being for those few moments, or for a lifetime.”
“There is fear when one attempts to surrender without being fully prepared. It is an unmasking. It is a clear and stark reality. It is trusting the other to see you as you truly are, not the you that you portray through all the many masks and veils that we wear in our day to day lives. It is purity.”
I have always yearned to feel posessed, owned. And I have always yearned to surrender, to let go, to give in, and to submit.
These are themes present throughout my entire life. While subconsciously, it seems, my 'programming' has me trying to control and manipulate, what I yearn for - what I desire - is the sweet serenity of surrender.
And so, I started a discussion on a community list about this topic. Here are some excerpts from that discussion (my words/thoughts only):
"To me, to possess, to yearn to be possessed.. is more than just being Dominated... it is giving up ones self completely to the Other in that moment, moments, lifetime. It is a full and complete feeling and one that requires no props (though they are lots of fun!) And often, I find this phenomenon happens naturally."
"Surrender.. to surrender... to be surrendered to... implies again a more full and complete giving of ones self. To me, surrender means to let go completely. Away, go my inhibitions and self-consciousness and self-doubt. Away, go my nervousness and fear. Instead there is only the sweet softness of surrender. "
“Before, I submitted out of need. Now, I surrender out of choice.”
“To surrender is to allow.. It is to allow the lesson to be learned, to be received. It is to allow for perfect completeness of sensation and of trust. It is to allow one to permeate your being for those few moments, or for a lifetime.”
“There is fear when one attempts to surrender without being fully prepared. It is an unmasking. It is a clear and stark reality. It is trusting the other to see you as you truly are, not the you that you portray through all the many masks and veils that we wear in our day to day lives. It is purity.”
I have always yearned to feel posessed, owned. And I have always yearned to surrender, to let go, to give in, and to submit.
These are themes present throughout my entire life. While subconsciously, it seems, my 'programming' has me trying to control and manipulate, what I yearn for - what I desire - is the sweet serenity of surrender.
And so my six word memoir is simple:
I am learning how to surrender
I am learning how to surrender
The rules are as follows:
-Write your own six word memoir
-Write your own six word memoir
-Post it on your blog and include a visual illustration if you’d like
-Link to the person that tagged you in your post
-Tag five more blogs with links
-And don’t forget to leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play
**Sorry everyone! I don't really know who to tag!! But please feel free to participate if you're interested!**
Friday, April 04, 2008
A little girl's random thoughts...
I'm sitting on the bed, next to my Syr. She is playing a video game and I am enjoying a simple happy sensation of contentedness.
This is especially notable given that we had a difficult early evening thanks to more of my issues - this time a trigger of mine around food. It wasn't the most fun experience, ever, but as always we communicated and learned more about each other in the process.
I'm craving Her, like craving water after walking in the hot, dry, desert all day. I'm craving that indescribeable feeling of Her cock driving into me, filling me, claiming me.
She kisses me and I shiver inside, in my very spirit-center from down deep and low to that high point inside of me that makes me near giddy with want and need.
I'm craving the feeling of Her teeth against my soft skin, and of the span of Her hand pressing me down, holding my body into the mattress as Her cock plays me like a musical instrument.
I want to feel Her hands tangle in my hair and pull, hard, as She presses - so deep - and Her body shudders as She comes inside me.
I want to surrender, and melt, and obey and be.
This is especially notable given that we had a difficult early evening thanks to more of my issues - this time a trigger of mine around food. It wasn't the most fun experience, ever, but as always we communicated and learned more about each other in the process.
I'm craving Her, like craving water after walking in the hot, dry, desert all day. I'm craving that indescribeable feeling of Her cock driving into me, filling me, claiming me.
She kisses me and I shiver inside, in my very spirit-center from down deep and low to that high point inside of me that makes me near giddy with want and need.
I'm craving the feeling of Her teeth against my soft skin, and of the span of Her hand pressing me down, holding my body into the mattress as Her cock plays me like a musical instrument.
I want to feel Her hands tangle in my hair and pull, hard, as She presses - so deep - and Her body shudders as She comes inside me.
I want to surrender, and melt, and obey and be.
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
The Chase
I was in an odd sort of head space yesterday afternoon and evening. I am not sure why, but I slipped into this odd head space where I'm almost adrenaline-filled, hyper, and craving physical release of the non-sexual variety.
I'm not sure where this mood comes from, except I do know I've experienced it my entire life.
When I was young, I used to have an outlet for it. I would merely dare the boys on the playground - taunt and chide them until they chased after me. That exhilarating feeling of having pushed too far and running, running, running - was probably the best feeling in the whole world.
If caught, they would often put me in the 'dungeon'. It was harmless children playing, really. The dungeon was any defensible physical space on the playground that would result in my inability to escape.
Sometimes it was a spot under the slide of the big toy, with a couple of guards there to make sure I didn't get out until the bell rang. Once, I remember it was inside this big dome shaped climbing toy. I remember that one the most, because two boys circled it and kept me there until way after the bell, making me late for class. I was quite distressed because I didn't break the rules at school, and I knew I would be in trouble for being late.
My memories of this playground play are incredibly vivid, even still. I recognize it, in a fashion, now for what it was. Even at that young age I had far too much power to manipulate people around me, and control. I knew it. I was in a dysfunctional household/family where I was prized for being "good". But being good didn't mean being healthy. It meant that I knew how to kiss up, and make myself appear to be whatever my family members needed me to be so that I could fly under the radar, and hopefully protect those that I felt needed to protecting. Of course when you're 7 or 8 years old and doing that - obviously there's some pretty intense psychological game-playing behaviour being learned.
Subconsciously, I'm sure that I was aware that I was basically always manipulating/controlling the people around me - and it was psychological. And obviously that wasn't something that felt "good" to me. I wanted to give up control, be taken care of, not have to take care of everyone else.
And so this pattern was born. I would be in need of that release of control, so I would goad the boys until they chased me... controlled me.
The sensations in my body when I hit one of those moods today as an adult, are almost identical and I recognize the exact same sensations and remember the chase in the playground.
But within my submission and my dynamic with my Syr, where does that fit in?
If you guessed: "it doesn't" you're sort of right. Because in order for me as a submissive to goad my Syr into "chasing" me (or in its adult context: slamming me hard and fast into subspace), I have to REALLY do something bad. Really bad.
I don't WANT to do something bad, however, because my desire is to please Her not frustrate or anger Her.
So often I find myself hitting uber-brat mode. But more than that, my physical and psychological need is a physical outlet. So rather than the usual verbal teasing and playful brattiness I might fall into, instead I want to be physical. It's still playful, but what I'm wanting to do is wrestle, bite, throw ice down Her shirt - anything for THE CHASE.
And I restrain myself, usually, from doing anything REALLY bad and for the most part these moods are in fun. But of course - Syr knows She can't exactly reward the behaviour either.... whichhhh means no chase.
How do I reconcile that as a submissive? How do I, an owned slave, fulfill this long-lived need to push so hard that control is RIPPED from me? In these times, it's not about Dominance and submission, even. It's about raw power. It's about wanting to pit my strength against Hers in a physical way and LOSING.
It's about wanting to be TAKEN DOWN.
It's intense and overwhelming and very very hard to find an outlet for in the reality of the real world and our lack of privacy.
In any case, I recognized the sensations, the needs, the wants... in me. Syr did too, but I think it's a struggle for Her to determine the best way to respond to it. She doesn't want to reinforce the bad parts of this behaviour, even if she enjoys the playful aspects of it. So how can She respond? It's sort of a catch 22 for Her, because I WANT Her to slam me into the ground. But if She does so because I've goaded, then haven't I just manipulated Her (which is exactly the sensation I want to get away from when I'm in this head space)?
It feels like a double-edged sword no matter how one looks at it, doesn't it?
Syr waited until I was a bit better behaved and during those windows, She established control and dropped me several times early in the evening. She would pull my hair, put me on my knees - and each time, I would drop into that lovely subspace. But it lacked the dynamics of The Chase, and so that adrenaline-like feeling would take over again and my need would come back full force.
I had to go out for a few hours, then, and so was left to my thoughts and to examine it all in my head. I didn't come to any major conclusions, but I did realize that my need was my responsibility and that it was up to me to find a way to communicate that need to my Syr. I made a conscious choice to give up The Chase, in order to take responsibility for my needs. I was proud of myself, but I think only half-convinced that asking and receiving (in a best case scenario) would provide the same sensations as The Chase would. But I knew I had to try.
When I got home, I hesitated, and beat around the bush... and finally admitted I had a question to ask Syr, a request.
The sentence was formed in my mind, but oh my, I simply could NOT get it out. Syr recognized it was a D/s question instantly and Her demeanor slipped into that place where Her Dominant energy just swirls around Her and I find myself transfixed, and frozen, and nervous and little.
I managed to ask "Would it be okay if I knelt in front of You and..."
The ... was where I stopped. What I realized I wanted to ask Her was something so beyond what I could ever imagine ASKING for. I mean what I wanted to ask Her for is the sort of thing one isn't really supposed to want or need (at least according to mainstream society). I mean, asking for a spanking is easier (though still challenging) because at least that has more face-time in society these days. LOTS of people spank or like to be spanked, so there's some mental acceptability with it.
Syr kept encouraging me to finish, and I could see that sparkle in Her eye, the one that proves how much She enjoys it when I squirm and struggle to say something. Finally, with my face buried in Her neck I got it out...
"and.. and would You slap me, Syr? Please?"
*gulp*
Syr chuckled and held me close.
"And what if I say no, slave?", She asked. "What if I don't WANT to slap You?"
She bit my neck and I whimpered. I knew She wouldn't do it, if She didn't want to, and so I know that the point She was making was that it was HER decision. She was making it clear that I wasn't "topping from the bottom" and She knew it. She wanted to make sure I knew She knew it.
"Then kneel, slave."
I practically poured myself off the bed where we'd been talking onto the fur on the floor. She reached out a hand to run a finger along my jaw and I shied away a little. She reacted quick as lightning and placed my forehead down on my fur.
"Don't you dare shy away from the very thing you've asked for, little girl."
I whimpered softly as She placed her foot on the back of my head, the weight of it reassuring and I felt myself start to sink.
She directed me to sit up again and she wrapped her left hand tightly in my hair, pulling my head back slightly until I met Her eyes.
She said some things then, and it's a blur, because when I hit this place, mentally, it's like we're in a different world - out of space and time - a place that is wholly ours, and it is very much an otherworldly experience to the point where trying to describe it later always seems to dim in comparison to the experience of it.
She reminded me who I am, who owns me, and who is in charge.
The first slap across my cheek sent shocks throughout my entire body, it was so filled with the energy of Her.
She made me meet Her eyes. "Look at me, slave."
"MINE", She growled and delivered another slap.
Each time my eyes drifted closed as I floated on the energy of Her, She would tug just once on the hair gripped in Her fist and make me look at Her. That was so potent, seeing the raw energy there, the raw intensity.
A final slap and She held her hand over my mouth and nose for the briefest of moments, though it felt longer, and then pulled me into Her safe embrace with soft kisses to my forehead.
She directed me to bed, then, and I curled up against Her body, laying my head on it's usual pillow: Her shoulder, and whispered "Thank You Syr" against her neck as I was already floating away to the land of dreams on the peaceful floating sensations She'd just gifted to me.
"You're welcome, little girl." She whispered against my forehead before bestowing my goodnight kiss there.
I'm not sure where this mood comes from, except I do know I've experienced it my entire life.
When I was young, I used to have an outlet for it. I would merely dare the boys on the playground - taunt and chide them until they chased after me. That exhilarating feeling of having pushed too far and running, running, running - was probably the best feeling in the whole world.
If caught, they would often put me in the 'dungeon'. It was harmless children playing, really. The dungeon was any defensible physical space on the playground that would result in my inability to escape.
Sometimes it was a spot under the slide of the big toy, with a couple of guards there to make sure I didn't get out until the bell rang. Once, I remember it was inside this big dome shaped climbing toy. I remember that one the most, because two boys circled it and kept me there until way after the bell, making me late for class. I was quite distressed because I didn't break the rules at school, and I knew I would be in trouble for being late.
My memories of this playground play are incredibly vivid, even still. I recognize it, in a fashion, now for what it was. Even at that young age I had far too much power to manipulate people around me, and control. I knew it. I was in a dysfunctional household/family where I was prized for being "good". But being good didn't mean being healthy. It meant that I knew how to kiss up, and make myself appear to be whatever my family members needed me to be so that I could fly under the radar, and hopefully protect those that I felt needed to protecting. Of course when you're 7 or 8 years old and doing that - obviously there's some pretty intense psychological game-playing behaviour being learned.
Subconsciously, I'm sure that I was aware that I was basically always manipulating/controlling the people around me - and it was psychological. And obviously that wasn't something that felt "good" to me. I wanted to give up control, be taken care of, not have to take care of everyone else.
And so this pattern was born. I would be in need of that release of control, so I would goad the boys until they chased me... controlled me.
The sensations in my body when I hit one of those moods today as an adult, are almost identical and I recognize the exact same sensations and remember the chase in the playground.
But within my submission and my dynamic with my Syr, where does that fit in?
If you guessed: "it doesn't" you're sort of right. Because in order for me as a submissive to goad my Syr into "chasing" me (or in its adult context: slamming me hard and fast into subspace), I have to REALLY do something bad. Really bad.
I don't WANT to do something bad, however, because my desire is to please Her not frustrate or anger Her.
So often I find myself hitting uber-brat mode. But more than that, my physical and psychological need is a physical outlet. So rather than the usual verbal teasing and playful brattiness I might fall into, instead I want to be physical. It's still playful, but what I'm wanting to do is wrestle, bite, throw ice down Her shirt - anything for THE CHASE.
And I restrain myself, usually, from doing anything REALLY bad and for the most part these moods are in fun. But of course - Syr knows She can't exactly reward the behaviour either.... whichhhh means no chase.
How do I reconcile that as a submissive? How do I, an owned slave, fulfill this long-lived need to push so hard that control is RIPPED from me? In these times, it's not about Dominance and submission, even. It's about raw power. It's about wanting to pit my strength against Hers in a physical way and LOSING.
It's about wanting to be TAKEN DOWN.
It's intense and overwhelming and very very hard to find an outlet for in the reality of the real world and our lack of privacy.
In any case, I recognized the sensations, the needs, the wants... in me. Syr did too, but I think it's a struggle for Her to determine the best way to respond to it. She doesn't want to reinforce the bad parts of this behaviour, even if she enjoys the playful aspects of it. So how can She respond? It's sort of a catch 22 for Her, because I WANT Her to slam me into the ground. But if She does so because I've goaded, then haven't I just manipulated Her (which is exactly the sensation I want to get away from when I'm in this head space)?
It feels like a double-edged sword no matter how one looks at it, doesn't it?
Syr waited until I was a bit better behaved and during those windows, She established control and dropped me several times early in the evening. She would pull my hair, put me on my knees - and each time, I would drop into that lovely subspace. But it lacked the dynamics of The Chase, and so that adrenaline-like feeling would take over again and my need would come back full force.
I had to go out for a few hours, then, and so was left to my thoughts and to examine it all in my head. I didn't come to any major conclusions, but I did realize that my need was my responsibility and that it was up to me to find a way to communicate that need to my Syr. I made a conscious choice to give up The Chase, in order to take responsibility for my needs. I was proud of myself, but I think only half-convinced that asking and receiving (in a best case scenario) would provide the same sensations as The Chase would. But I knew I had to try.
When I got home, I hesitated, and beat around the bush... and finally admitted I had a question to ask Syr, a request.
The sentence was formed in my mind, but oh my, I simply could NOT get it out. Syr recognized it was a D/s question instantly and Her demeanor slipped into that place where Her Dominant energy just swirls around Her and I find myself transfixed, and frozen, and nervous and little.
I managed to ask "Would it be okay if I knelt in front of You and..."
The ... was where I stopped. What I realized I wanted to ask Her was something so beyond what I could ever imagine ASKING for. I mean what I wanted to ask Her for is the sort of thing one isn't really supposed to want or need (at least according to mainstream society). I mean, asking for a spanking is easier (though still challenging) because at least that has more face-time in society these days. LOTS of people spank or like to be spanked, so there's some mental acceptability with it.
Syr kept encouraging me to finish, and I could see that sparkle in Her eye, the one that proves how much She enjoys it when I squirm and struggle to say something. Finally, with my face buried in Her neck I got it out...
"and.. and would You slap me, Syr? Please?"
*gulp*
Syr chuckled and held me close.
"And what if I say no, slave?", She asked. "What if I don't WANT to slap You?"
She bit my neck and I whimpered. I knew She wouldn't do it, if She didn't want to, and so I know that the point She was making was that it was HER decision. She was making it clear that I wasn't "topping from the bottom" and She knew it. She wanted to make sure I knew She knew it.
"Then kneel, slave."
I practically poured myself off the bed where we'd been talking onto the fur on the floor. She reached out a hand to run a finger along my jaw and I shied away a little. She reacted quick as lightning and placed my forehead down on my fur.
"Don't you dare shy away from the very thing you've asked for, little girl."
I whimpered softly as She placed her foot on the back of my head, the weight of it reassuring and I felt myself start to sink.
She directed me to sit up again and she wrapped her left hand tightly in my hair, pulling my head back slightly until I met Her eyes.
She said some things then, and it's a blur, because when I hit this place, mentally, it's like we're in a different world - out of space and time - a place that is wholly ours, and it is very much an otherworldly experience to the point where trying to describe it later always seems to dim in comparison to the experience of it.
She reminded me who I am, who owns me, and who is in charge.
The first slap across my cheek sent shocks throughout my entire body, it was so filled with the energy of Her.
She made me meet Her eyes. "Look at me, slave."
"MINE", She growled and delivered another slap.
Each time my eyes drifted closed as I floated on the energy of Her, She would tug just once on the hair gripped in Her fist and make me look at Her. That was so potent, seeing the raw energy there, the raw intensity.
A final slap and She held her hand over my mouth and nose for the briefest of moments, though it felt longer, and then pulled me into Her safe embrace with soft kisses to my forehead.
She directed me to bed, then, and I curled up against Her body, laying my head on it's usual pillow: Her shoulder, and whispered "Thank You Syr" against her neck as I was already floating away to the land of dreams on the peaceful floating sensations She'd just gifted to me.
"You're welcome, little girl." She whispered against my forehead before bestowing my goodnight kiss there.
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