From Syr:
"Can you experience sub space without physical pain?
I think that the term "sub space" is often used to describe the intense physical/emotional sensations brought on by intense BDSM play. Often this is brought on by endorphins, etc. The degree of this experience varies person to person and experience to experience. Though as I've noticed in recent discussions, it seems clear that it's sort of mystified to be something it isn't necessarily, or perhaps demystified into the ordinary.
For myself, my BDSM/kink is inherently psychological/emotional, much more so than physical. And so I find that when I think of subspace, it 'looks' like something else to me than how it's commonly perceived. And so I find myself using other terms to identify my feelings.
Usually, I use the term "little" or "little-space" which is to refer to that soft, floaty, submissive 'feeling', that is sort of like a little bit of goofy-happy mixed with romantic-adoration and absolute lovey-doveyness with my Owner. ;) And that feeling can be brought on a number of ways. It can most definitely be triggered by pain administered at the hands of my Owner - whether a good hard spanking, face-slapping, flogging, clothespins, etc. And, as we discovered not so long ago, also by gentle soft touches - done with a sense of ownership.
Little space is how I describe the feeling of floating in my submission, of surrendering.
There's another term I use for a harsher sensation - and that is "drop". Not drop as in the 'drop' that some submissives describe as a depression after playing (that never seems to happen to me - or not that I'm aware of). But drop as in - the way it feels to plummet quickly/suddenly or intensely into little-space. *purr* "Dropping" is something I associate with the harsher or heavier play. And even that can happen without pain. Often, all it takes is Syr grabbing me suddenly by the hair and growling in my ear.
In all cases that I personally associate with the 'concept' of subspace, I say most DEFINITELY, it can be reached without pain. Of course - pain IS a really neato way to get there. ;)
From Submissive Journal Prompts:
How do you find that gratitude changes your outlook? Does this affect your slavery at all?
I have read of submissives or slaves whose Dominants require that they post a daily gratitude or devotional with regards to their submission or slavery. I think that all around the world, sitting in gratitude is proven to make you feel better about yourself and/or your life, no matter what else is happening.
When I have taken the time to look on my submission or on all my Owner does with a sense of gratitude, I find that it softens me and brings me a sense of peace and contentedness.
“The most fortunate of persons is he who has the most means to satisfy his vagaries.” -Marquis de Sade
First, I had to look up "vagaries" in the dictionary.
(from Dictionary.com: 2. a whimsical, wild, or unusual idea, desire, or action)
Ok. And actually, I think not. I mean sure, if we had the means to satisfy some of our fantasies and desires, that would be an amazing experience. I mean I have visions of long days of bondage and mummification and heavy flogging scenes dancing through my mind. But really, if we had the means to do everything we wanted to do and try everything we wanted to try - all right now - then what is there to grow into, to aspire to? What use is fantasy if you know you can have any fantasy you want? I'd say it'd lose it's luster.
While sometimes I wish we had certain things (a weekend away, more privacy, soundproof bedroom walls, etc) so that we could let go of our inhibitions a little bit more often - I generally find that I am quite grateful for what we do have - and equally grateful for those things that we have to wait to have. Because those will be ever the sweeter for the anticipation.
What personality traits have you found to be the most useful to you in your service?
*blinks* useful personality traits? hahahahahaha
This is a bad night for that question. I've struggled with attitude this evening. ;)
But okay, in all honesty - I'd have to say my sense of self-awareness. Without that, I'd be toast. No - I'd be charcoal. No - I'd be ashes on the wind. Seriously. I have a lot of crap and baggage and just *stuff*. And while that stuff certainly presents a set of VERY unique challenges to my Owner, the saving grace is - that I'm aware of the stuff. I don't deny it or try to pretend it's not there. And therefore - I'm able to work on it, grow, learn, be malleable and be open to true growth and therefore enhance my submission and service.
How important is it to you that you accurately describe yourself or your dynamic? How do you feel about the following quote: “How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn’t make it a leg.” -Abraham Lincoln
It's very important to me that I portray myself and my relationship honestly. But accurately such as the quote?
If we were describing physical stats -sure - that's easy. We're a relationship of two females, one older than the other, legally married, both who work full time jobs outsidet he home. That's easy.
But the rest of it? Dominant/submissive, Owner/slave, all the ways I think our interactions are powerful and amazing? That's accurate - to us. But who is to say that someone else wouldn't look at our relationship and dynamic and think "Huh... looks like they're just saying it's five legs when it's really four legs and a tail". So is there any way to verify the accuracy of our dynamic? Not really. I mean dominance and submission is really quite subjective. I can look at someone who says they're in an M/s relationship and think - "sooo vanilla" and I can look at someone else who says they're in a vanilla/kink-free relationship and think - "omg, so D/s!" but the only people who can really define it is the people who are in it.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
1950's Household
From my Owner:
Recently we discussed the idea of a 50's household. Do we have a degree of that in our home? To what extent has the functional day to day realities of our home helped or hindered that energy (if it really exists in our home at all)?
To a certain degree, I believe that a lot of that 1950's style stereotypical relationship dynamic defines a great deal of our less 'obvious' D/s. My Owner is also my spouse and in our family, in spite of who does or doesn't know about our more formal dynamic - it is definitely clear that She has a measure of authority and that I defer to Her.
When we first began sharing a home together, there was a measured period of time in which I couldn't work. I can't describe how much I truly loved that period of time. I got to truly be a stay at home wife and slave and it was marvelous. I adored having daily chores, writing assignments and responsibilities in keeping the house organized, neat, and being responsible for the errands and the shopping. I loved greeting my Owner at the door when She came home each evening and serving her dinner.
While I do work outside the home now, as does She, I still find myself really getting a special thrill out of planning a meal, cooking it and setting Her plate in front of Her, having given special care to plate it prettily.
I don't really think that our day to day realities help or hinder this energy in any significant way. In a perfect world, I'd be able to fully embrace the role by being a stay at home wife/slave while my Owner worked during the day. But that isn't our reality and so the energy is there regardless of whether we are both working or not.
Recently, I stumbled upon The Good Wife's Guide and while I suppose to many it's pretty offensive - to me it's actually quite stimulating!
Similarly, some time ago, a friend pointed me in the general direction of Taken In Hand. And for a quick summary of what that site is about, simply click here to read the 'in a nutshell' summary.
Now, mind you, there are a lot of things on that site I don't agree with, such as the gender binary, and the "marriage is between one man and one woman" because - um hello - I'm queer and my Owner is not a Man! ;)
But a lot of the energy and dynamics within it remind me of the stimulating side of a 1950's style relationship from the perspective of the Male is the Dominant/Authority and the woman is to be submissive/respectful/nurturing, etc and defer to her Husband.
The reality between Syr and I is that She has masculine energy and I - feminine. It is that very balance, that yin yang, that is so important to us in every way. It is that give and take, active and passive polarity that defines our marriage, our friendship, our D/s, and every other aspect of our relationship.
Oh.. and on a closing note - I just read Dr. Spencer's Spanking Plan (circa 1928) - and it made me almost instantly drenched (the only damper being the rule about no whipping or flogging.. puh-lease). Does this mean I am not gonna be accepted into the feminist club?
Oh darn.
Recently we discussed the idea of a 50's household. Do we have a degree of that in our home? To what extent has the functional day to day realities of our home helped or hindered that energy (if it really exists in our home at all)?
To a certain degree, I believe that a lot of that 1950's style stereotypical relationship dynamic defines a great deal of our less 'obvious' D/s. My Owner is also my spouse and in our family, in spite of who does or doesn't know about our more formal dynamic - it is definitely clear that She has a measure of authority and that I defer to Her.
When we first began sharing a home together, there was a measured period of time in which I couldn't work. I can't describe how much I truly loved that period of time. I got to truly be a stay at home wife and slave and it was marvelous. I adored having daily chores, writing assignments and responsibilities in keeping the house organized, neat, and being responsible for the errands and the shopping. I loved greeting my Owner at the door when She came home each evening and serving her dinner.
While I do work outside the home now, as does She, I still find myself really getting a special thrill out of planning a meal, cooking it and setting Her plate in front of Her, having given special care to plate it prettily.
I don't really think that our day to day realities help or hinder this energy in any significant way. In a perfect world, I'd be able to fully embrace the role by being a stay at home wife/slave while my Owner worked during the day. But that isn't our reality and so the energy is there regardless of whether we are both working or not.
Recently, I stumbled upon The Good Wife's Guide and while I suppose to many it's pretty offensive - to me it's actually quite stimulating!
Similarly, some time ago, a friend pointed me in the general direction of Taken In Hand. And for a quick summary of what that site is about, simply click here to read the 'in a nutshell' summary.
Now, mind you, there are a lot of things on that site I don't agree with, such as the gender binary, and the "marriage is between one man and one woman" because - um hello - I'm queer and my Owner is not a Man! ;)
But a lot of the energy and dynamics within it remind me of the stimulating side of a 1950's style relationship from the perspective of the Male is the Dominant/Authority and the woman is to be submissive/respectful/nurturing, etc and defer to her Husband.
The reality between Syr and I is that She has masculine energy and I - feminine. It is that very balance, that yin yang, that is so important to us in every way. It is that give and take, active and passive polarity that defines our marriage, our friendship, our D/s, and every other aspect of our relationship.
Oh.. and on a closing note - I just read Dr. Spencer's Spanking Plan (circa 1928) - and it made me almost instantly drenched (the only damper being the rule about no whipping or flogging.. puh-lease). Does this mean I am not gonna be accepted into the feminist club?
Oh darn.
Courtesy
Syr assigned me this topic from Submissive Journal Prompts:
Does your Owner stand on courtesy? Do they use please and thank you with requests from you? How does it make you feel? Do you not take it as an order if it has please after it?
My Owner most definitely stands on courtesy. She often says please and thank you, is often polite and almost always kind. I hadn't really spent a lot of time thinking about how Her courtesy makes me feel, or how it affects my submission, but upon reflection I think this plays into a lot of stereotype-based patterns of mine.
In my former experiences as a submissive, there were always really clearly defined 'times' when my submission was expected - and others when it wasn't. I blame that primarily on never having had an Owner as a primary or monogomous partner in the past. Because my kink relationships were always outside of my primary, more vanilla one, it kept things fairly compartmentalized.
I think the result was that I tended to associate my submission with certain circumstances/locations, etc and the rest of the time just go about day to day life. Now that I am in a more immersive 24/7 dynamic, living with and married to my Owner - I find that I still can have a tendency to compartmentalize. When my Owner is polite in asking me to do something or in expressing Herself, I can forget myself - and my place - and respond casually at or flippantly or even crankily (at worst).
Her courtesy sometimes translates as complacency and I forget my place and lose sight of the need to be respectful.
It isn't any fallacy of Hers that She is courteous - after all - She owns me - and shouldn't have to be aggressive just to get what She wants or needs from me. But it is certainly helpful for me to remember that even with a "please", it is still up to me to serve Her consistently.
Does your Owner stand on courtesy? Do they use please and thank you with requests from you? How does it make you feel? Do you not take it as an order if it has please after it?
My Owner most definitely stands on courtesy. She often says please and thank you, is often polite and almost always kind. I hadn't really spent a lot of time thinking about how Her courtesy makes me feel, or how it affects my submission, but upon reflection I think this plays into a lot of stereotype-based patterns of mine.
In my former experiences as a submissive, there were always really clearly defined 'times' when my submission was expected - and others when it wasn't. I blame that primarily on never having had an Owner as a primary or monogomous partner in the past. Because my kink relationships were always outside of my primary, more vanilla one, it kept things fairly compartmentalized.
I think the result was that I tended to associate my submission with certain circumstances/locations, etc and the rest of the time just go about day to day life. Now that I am in a more immersive 24/7 dynamic, living with and married to my Owner - I find that I still can have a tendency to compartmentalize. When my Owner is polite in asking me to do something or in expressing Herself, I can forget myself - and my place - and respond casually at or flippantly or even crankily (at worst).
Her courtesy sometimes translates as complacency and I forget my place and lose sight of the need to be respectful.
It isn't any fallacy of Hers that She is courteous - after all - She owns me - and shouldn't have to be aggressive just to get what She wants or needs from me. But it is certainly helpful for me to remember that even with a "please", it is still up to me to serve Her consistently.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Erotic Photography and Exhibitionism
"Explain more about your interest in erotic photography and exhibitionism"
I can thank Fetlife for this topic. Syr was reading my profile and making note of my fetish-list. LOL I hadn't really thought about that, though I suppose there are still things She doesn't know about me.
Erotic Photography
Besides simply looking at erotic photography, there is definitely a part of me that likes being a PART of erotic photography. Most of my favourite pictures of myself are at least a little bit naughty.
It makes sense, really. I really discovered self-confidence through my association with the kink community and lifestyle. It was at kink events where I first saw plus sized girls sexualized and eroticised. It was at kink events when I saw male subs worshipping at the feet of gorgeous plus-sized Dominas. It was at kink events where I felt wanted, desired, appreciated. It was at kink events when I first felt that my size was not a barrier to my ability to provoke arousal in others.
And so, it makes sense that I feel most attractive in erotic or sexually charged photographs. I've never really felt too shy about having naughty pictures of me taken. I've always trusted those I've allowed to take them, but for someone who can be so shy in public, you'd think I'd be darn near phobic of having nude or sexual photos taken of me. But I'm not.
At one time, I actually was being courted a little bit by a plus sized adult website - to be a model. That was a huge ego boost! I still remember reviewing the proof sheet of the photos that my then-Master had submitted to her. It made me feel very proud.
I'm a lot more private and practical about such things today. I don't want identifiable naughty photos of me floating around the web. I'm a lot more cautious. But I still like photos that portray me as a sexual, desirable, girl. And I love feeling like I am the object of someone's desire, enough so that they want pictures of me. Especially dirty pictures. ;)
Exhibitionism
I should really clarify this fetish. I am not at all comfortable being an exhibitionist of my own accord. I don't want to stand up on stage or be noticed because I've chosen to be noticed. I don't like being in the spotlight.
But...
'Forced Exhibitionism' is something else entirely. Within a D/s construct, being put on display at my Owner's will is something completely erotic and thrilling. It objectifies me in a way that is beyond stimulating. It makes me feel as if my Owner is proud of Her property, wants to show Her property off - almost like bragging rights.
When I was new to kink, I only wanted to play in private - i was so shy. But the first time a previous Owner put me up on a St. Andrew's Cross and beat me in public, my opinion changed. There was something so amazing about scening where everyone could see. I was shy and part of me wanted to hide, but another part of me recognized the opportunity to shine, to be a good mirror of my then-Owner's training, and to make Him proud. And so, in spite of my personal shy-ness and in spite of my personal self-consciousness, it gave me a new way to focus on my then-Owner.
While Syr and I do not get many opportunities to play publicly, the few times we have, I have felt that same rush of mixed emotions. Feeling self-conscious and unsure, even scared - and yet thrilled that Syr wanted me to be seen, wanted to put me up where others could see my obedience, and ultimately - was proud of me.
There is definitely, also, an exhibitionist element to wanting to show my submission to my Owner. I always adore an opportunity to kneel at Her feet in public, to wear Her collar and leash, and to truly revel in our dynamic in public. I think that since opportunities for that type of exhibitionism are few and far between - they seem even more intoxicating when they happen.
I can thank Fetlife for this topic. Syr was reading my profile and making note of my fetish-list. LOL I hadn't really thought about that, though I suppose there are still things She doesn't know about me.
Erotic Photography
Besides simply looking at erotic photography, there is definitely a part of me that likes being a PART of erotic photography. Most of my favourite pictures of myself are at least a little bit naughty.
It makes sense, really. I really discovered self-confidence through my association with the kink community and lifestyle. It was at kink events where I first saw plus sized girls sexualized and eroticised. It was at kink events when I saw male subs worshipping at the feet of gorgeous plus-sized Dominas. It was at kink events where I felt wanted, desired, appreciated. It was at kink events when I first felt that my size was not a barrier to my ability to provoke arousal in others.
And so, it makes sense that I feel most attractive in erotic or sexually charged photographs. I've never really felt too shy about having naughty pictures of me taken. I've always trusted those I've allowed to take them, but for someone who can be so shy in public, you'd think I'd be darn near phobic of having nude or sexual photos taken of me. But I'm not.
At one time, I actually was being courted a little bit by a plus sized adult website - to be a model. That was a huge ego boost! I still remember reviewing the proof sheet of the photos that my then-Master had submitted to her. It made me feel very proud.
I'm a lot more private and practical about such things today. I don't want identifiable naughty photos of me floating around the web. I'm a lot more cautious. But I still like photos that portray me as a sexual, desirable, girl. And I love feeling like I am the object of someone's desire, enough so that they want pictures of me. Especially dirty pictures. ;)
Exhibitionism
I should really clarify this fetish. I am not at all comfortable being an exhibitionist of my own accord. I don't want to stand up on stage or be noticed because I've chosen to be noticed. I don't like being in the spotlight.
But...
'Forced Exhibitionism' is something else entirely. Within a D/s construct, being put on display at my Owner's will is something completely erotic and thrilling. It objectifies me in a way that is beyond stimulating. It makes me feel as if my Owner is proud of Her property, wants to show Her property off - almost like bragging rights.
When I was new to kink, I only wanted to play in private - i was so shy. But the first time a previous Owner put me up on a St. Andrew's Cross and beat me in public, my opinion changed. There was something so amazing about scening where everyone could see. I was shy and part of me wanted to hide, but another part of me recognized the opportunity to shine, to be a good mirror of my then-Owner's training, and to make Him proud. And so, in spite of my personal shy-ness and in spite of my personal self-consciousness, it gave me a new way to focus on my then-Owner.
While Syr and I do not get many opportunities to play publicly, the few times we have, I have felt that same rush of mixed emotions. Feeling self-conscious and unsure, even scared - and yet thrilled that Syr wanted me to be seen, wanted to put me up where others could see my obedience, and ultimately - was proud of me.
There is definitely, also, an exhibitionist element to wanting to show my submission to my Owner. I always adore an opportunity to kneel at Her feet in public, to wear Her collar and leash, and to truly revel in our dynamic in public. I think that since opportunities for that type of exhibitionism are few and far between - they seem even more intoxicating when they happen.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
What don't I miss?
"Life circumstances managed to strip away many of the formalities and obvious routines and rituals of our dynamic. We've talked about what we both miss and want back. I want to know up to five things you don't miss."
What I don't miss?? There's nothing I don't miss, is there? I miss it all.
I miss being put on my fur before bed, on all fours with my forehead to the fur and arms stretched out in front of me (a la 'child's pose') with Her foot resting on the back of my head or neck. I miss the feeling of containment I would feel when my attitude would slip and She would 'adjust' it for me. I miss discipline and desire and the way the two mix in a juxtaposition of wanting so badly for the sensation of being held and safe in my boundaries and the way I would hate the actual sting of the paddle or the way my face would get hot and I would feel submissive shame for needing to be disciplined in the first place.
I really miss every last bit of it... don't I?
After thinking, somewhat carefully, about this - I did manage to come up with 5 though:
Okay, I know I cheated - a little... but the reality is, that when we are in the right frame of mind to explore our D/s fully together - there is nothing I truly dislike and would wish to go away forever.
There are certain punishments that Syr uses that I detest - and yet I am always grateful for Her attention and correction and the way Her punishments always teach me about myself or allow me to grow a little bit more.
There are certain especially stingy implements that give Syr great joy to use on me, and yet while I don't like the sensation they produce - physically - I am grateful for the feelings they evoke - emotionally.
So in all honesty, I miss it all. But I know that with the stresses of our old home behind us, we will be finding all of it again, or recreating new rituals, routines, rules, protocols, etc together. Either way, I am grateful for our new home, and for the fresh, clean, energy of renewal that came along with it.
What I don't miss?? There's nothing I don't miss, is there? I miss it all.
I miss being put on my fur before bed, on all fours with my forehead to the fur and arms stretched out in front of me (a la 'child's pose') with Her foot resting on the back of my head or neck. I miss the feeling of containment I would feel when my attitude would slip and She would 'adjust' it for me. I miss discipline and desire and the way the two mix in a juxtaposition of wanting so badly for the sensation of being held and safe in my boundaries and the way I would hate the actual sting of the paddle or the way my face would get hot and I would feel submissive shame for needing to be disciplined in the first place.
I really miss every last bit of it... don't I?
After thinking, somewhat carefully, about this - I did manage to come up with 5 though:
- I don't miss the constant disruption from outside our bedroom window, whenever we would have the chance for quality private D/s time - that we were experiencing at our old home.
- I don't miss the way I would get snippy so easy because of all the stress we were experiencing.
- I don't miss the way my Owner would be cranky or stressed and therefore in the wrong kind of headspace to be comfortable exerting Her ownership of me.
- I don't miss the way the stress we were dealing with would impact our ability to simply relax at home and enjoy each Other's company.
- I don't miss the little ways we were getting on each other's nerves during the transition period.
Okay, I know I cheated - a little... but the reality is, that when we are in the right frame of mind to explore our D/s fully together - there is nothing I truly dislike and would wish to go away forever.
There are certain punishments that Syr uses that I detest - and yet I am always grateful for Her attention and correction and the way Her punishments always teach me about myself or allow me to grow a little bit more.
There are certain especially stingy implements that give Syr great joy to use on me, and yet while I don't like the sensation they produce - physically - I am grateful for the feelings they evoke - emotionally.
So in all honesty, I miss it all. But I know that with the stresses of our old home behind us, we will be finding all of it again, or recreating new rituals, routines, rules, protocols, etc together. Either way, I am grateful for our new home, and for the fresh, clean, energy of renewal that came along with it.
Service
"What is service? What would be ideal?"
It looks like a simple assignment, doesn't it? Just 7 little words. But every time I thought about starting to write about it, I'd feel overwhelmed.
I've tried looking things up online, reading topics at Fetlife, and even google image searching - just for somewhere to start.
I once flew out of state to visit a Domme whom I respected a great deal. She ran a more formal D/s home. As a guest there, I was given an incredible opportunity to experience full time service-oriented submission. I was young, and while part of me thrilled at the possibility of pleasing someone whom I respected and longed to impress, I found it a lot more challenging than I thought it would be.
Much of my BDSM experience, at that time, was online or with less experienced Dominants who were more about the 'scene' than a full time service submissive. And so, experiencing what it was like to be so immersed in service was a bit of a rude awakening. It was the first 'vacation' I'd taken as an adult, alone, and I was spending it scrubbing and dusting and cleaning, and answering to an Alpha sub in the household.
I remember precisely the moment that I 'broke'. I had been told to focus on one room for the day. And I focused. I rubbed and dusted and washed every surface I could find with uncanny detail. I found the work itself meditative and pleasurable in the way that it allowed me to fully surrender to my feelings of submissiveness and with the goal of pleasing the Lady I was there to serve. The Alpha submissive in the household was working in other rooms. At the end of each day, we were to stop working at a specific time. And when that time came, I went to go take a shower to get ready for the evening. When I came out of the shower, I found the Alpha sub walking through the room I'd cleaned, literally wearing a white glove, inspecting my work.
I remember the way that felt, as the Lady whom I was there to serve sat on the couch, perusing a magazine. I remember feeling utterly panicked. I was terrified that I hadn't done well enough. And when I saw the Alpha approach a table that I suddenly realized I hadn't dusted at all - I knew I hadn't done well enough. I was almost instantly angry. Furious, even.
I fell apart then. I had a full blown tantrum of sorts. I felt like I was serving the Alpha and not the Lady. I felt like whatever I did, it wouldn't be good enough. I felt picked on. I felt resentful.
I think I lost my temper, perhaps got in a fight with the Alpha. It was a long time ago, and I don't remember all the details, but I am sure of one thing: I was wholly unprepared for the reality of service - and was still young and selfish and was just terribly disappointed that there was no glamorous reward at the end of a long hard day of work. I received attention, of a sort, and was treated with respect. But at that point in my life, all my BDSM included play. I was really a selfish brat, really. I was given free lodging, taken care of - thoroughly treated well. But I was so upset/triggered by the service aspect of my time there, that I am certain I ended up really disrespecting my Hostess and Her household.
One conversation I had with the Lady near the end of the week, and following my third emotional breakdown of sorts, was that maybe I wasn't cut out to be a slave, or even a submissive. She explained to me, that it was ok. That maybe I was more geared to being a 'bottom'. I remember how that stung, because that wasn't what my heart really yearned for. But I also didn't know how to reconcile my selfish and panicky reactions with wanting to be a full time submissive or slave. How could I be one without the desire to provide service?
Since then, I have grown up a great deal. Though one thing has remained constant - my insecurity about my ability to offer 'service'.
My experience with my first Master reinforced this. As His collared slave, I wanted so very much to please Him. I had a slave-sister (His wife), and I only saw Him on weekends as we lived an hour and a half away from each other. But whenever He would give me a domestic chore, I would get frustrated and resentful because His house was very dirty, way beyond unsanitary due to the way He and His wife did not do any (or very little) housekeeping throughout the week, nor did they care for their pets properly so the messes were overwhelming when I would show up. I was honest with Him and admitted that I could not do the domestic service aspect. He understood and agreed. Yet this certainly didn't give me an opportunity to explore 'service' in a positive way.
All of that may be water under the bridge. Or maybe it isn't. One thing has stuck with me throughout the years, and into every relationship though - a certain amount of fear of domestic service.
So when my Owner, whom I love, adore and want nothing more than to please - asked me what Service is... I found myself freezing up a little, unsure what to write.
Service is...
Service is anticipating my Owner's needs and desires and offering those things, selflessly.
Service is when asked to do a task, no matter how little or big, doing it with a pleasant demeanor and without delay.
Service is not becoming complacent during times when our interactions have to be primarily vanilla due to lack of privacy, and still finding ways to provide for the needs and desires of my Owner.
What is ideal?
Ideally, service would come easily to me or - if not - I would actively work on it.
Ideally, my Owner would deliberately give me tasks, perhaps even one I find mildly distasteful as a training exercise, to help me overcome fears and also to condition me to be pleasing for Her. My Owner would inspect, even if casually, the work that I do to ensure it meets Her expectations.
Ideally, my Owner would ask little things of me when we are in more vanilla settings - whether to get Her a cup of coffee or tea, or make Her a snack - and would correct or discipline me (later) for any inappropriate responses that I give in the moment. IE if She asked for a coffee and I stalled or avoided doing it or pouted or sulked, I'd receive a correction or punishment later.
In the past, Syr has given me small realistic daily chores. Making the bed each day, getting the coffee ready and on weekends, serving it to Her. I know that I do crave the ritual connection to my submission that I feel when I have ritual tasks to complete on a daily or weekly basis.
It looks like a simple assignment, doesn't it? Just 7 little words. But every time I thought about starting to write about it, I'd feel overwhelmed.
I've tried looking things up online, reading topics at Fetlife, and even google image searching - just for somewhere to start.
I once flew out of state to visit a Domme whom I respected a great deal. She ran a more formal D/s home. As a guest there, I was given an incredible opportunity to experience full time service-oriented submission. I was young, and while part of me thrilled at the possibility of pleasing someone whom I respected and longed to impress, I found it a lot more challenging than I thought it would be.
Much of my BDSM experience, at that time, was online or with less experienced Dominants who were more about the 'scene' than a full time service submissive. And so, experiencing what it was like to be so immersed in service was a bit of a rude awakening. It was the first 'vacation' I'd taken as an adult, alone, and I was spending it scrubbing and dusting and cleaning, and answering to an Alpha sub in the household.
I remember precisely the moment that I 'broke'. I had been told to focus on one room for the day. And I focused. I rubbed and dusted and washed every surface I could find with uncanny detail. I found the work itself meditative and pleasurable in the way that it allowed me to fully surrender to my feelings of submissiveness and with the goal of pleasing the Lady I was there to serve. The Alpha submissive in the household was working in other rooms. At the end of each day, we were to stop working at a specific time. And when that time came, I went to go take a shower to get ready for the evening. When I came out of the shower, I found the Alpha sub walking through the room I'd cleaned, literally wearing a white glove, inspecting my work.
I remember the way that felt, as the Lady whom I was there to serve sat on the couch, perusing a magazine. I remember feeling utterly panicked. I was terrified that I hadn't done well enough. And when I saw the Alpha approach a table that I suddenly realized I hadn't dusted at all - I knew I hadn't done well enough. I was almost instantly angry. Furious, even.
I fell apart then. I had a full blown tantrum of sorts. I felt like I was serving the Alpha and not the Lady. I felt like whatever I did, it wouldn't be good enough. I felt picked on. I felt resentful.
I think I lost my temper, perhaps got in a fight with the Alpha. It was a long time ago, and I don't remember all the details, but I am sure of one thing: I was wholly unprepared for the reality of service - and was still young and selfish and was just terribly disappointed that there was no glamorous reward at the end of a long hard day of work. I received attention, of a sort, and was treated with respect. But at that point in my life, all my BDSM included play. I was really a selfish brat, really. I was given free lodging, taken care of - thoroughly treated well. But I was so upset/triggered by the service aspect of my time there, that I am certain I ended up really disrespecting my Hostess and Her household.
One conversation I had with the Lady near the end of the week, and following my third emotional breakdown of sorts, was that maybe I wasn't cut out to be a slave, or even a submissive. She explained to me, that it was ok. That maybe I was more geared to being a 'bottom'. I remember how that stung, because that wasn't what my heart really yearned for. But I also didn't know how to reconcile my selfish and panicky reactions with wanting to be a full time submissive or slave. How could I be one without the desire to provide service?
Since then, I have grown up a great deal. Though one thing has remained constant - my insecurity about my ability to offer 'service'.
My experience with my first Master reinforced this. As His collared slave, I wanted so very much to please Him. I had a slave-sister (His wife), and I only saw Him on weekends as we lived an hour and a half away from each other. But whenever He would give me a domestic chore, I would get frustrated and resentful because His house was very dirty, way beyond unsanitary due to the way He and His wife did not do any (or very little) housekeeping throughout the week, nor did they care for their pets properly so the messes were overwhelming when I would show up. I was honest with Him and admitted that I could not do the domestic service aspect. He understood and agreed. Yet this certainly didn't give me an opportunity to explore 'service' in a positive way.
All of that may be water under the bridge. Or maybe it isn't. One thing has stuck with me throughout the years, and into every relationship though - a certain amount of fear of domestic service.
So when my Owner, whom I love, adore and want nothing more than to please - asked me what Service is... I found myself freezing up a little, unsure what to write.
Service is...
Service is anticipating my Owner's needs and desires and offering those things, selflessly.
Service is when asked to do a task, no matter how little or big, doing it with a pleasant demeanor and without delay.
Service is not becoming complacent during times when our interactions have to be primarily vanilla due to lack of privacy, and still finding ways to provide for the needs and desires of my Owner.
What is ideal?
Ideally, service would come easily to me or - if not - I would actively work on it.
Ideally, my Owner would deliberately give me tasks, perhaps even one I find mildly distasteful as a training exercise, to help me overcome fears and also to condition me to be pleasing for Her. My Owner would inspect, even if casually, the work that I do to ensure it meets Her expectations.
Ideally, my Owner would ask little things of me when we are in more vanilla settings - whether to get Her a cup of coffee or tea, or make Her a snack - and would correct or discipline me (later) for any inappropriate responses that I give in the moment. IE if She asked for a coffee and I stalled or avoided doing it or pouted or sulked, I'd receive a correction or punishment later.
In the past, Syr has given me small realistic daily chores. Making the bed each day, getting the coffee ready and on weekends, serving it to Her. I know that I do crave the ritual connection to my submission that I feel when I have ritual tasks to complete on a daily or weekly basis.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Homework for a little girl
Imagine: I have just commented on a negative behaviour.
you will spend the next ten minutes thinking about recent incidents between us.
you will then take as long as you need to think of 5 possible responses that are NOT:
you will spend the next ten minutes thinking about recent incidents between us.
you will then take as long as you need to think of 5 possible responses that are NOT:
- defensive
- explaining away the behaviour
- confrontational (reverse blaming)
- self-attacking
- apologetic in any non-productive way
I expect to see this completed with time to discuss before 9pm tonight.
This represents the first assignment that I have received from my Owner in a long time. So much has gotten in the way and this was one thing that really went on the back burner for a very long time.
As much as I got a thrill out of seeing the paper with the instructions on my pillow, I still wrinkled my nose and stuck out my lip in all of its pouty glory as soon as I read it. I couldn't help but sulk that my first assignment after so much time is one of those.
In all my petulance, when I went back to read it again, more thoroughly, I read the first line and got hung up - "Imagine I have just commented on a negative behaviour". I rejected that line. I said in my head "Well what if it was just YOU perceiving my behaviour as negative? What if I wasn't doing anything wrong and it was just YOU misperceiving me?"
I caught myself thinking that, and then on the heels of that thought came one simple idea slamming home. If my Owner thinks that something I am doing is negative behaviour, then it IS negative behaviour. After all, a good girl wants to please her Owner.
There was something travelling about the blogosphere lately that has really stuck with both me and Syr. I read it over at kaya's blog, and she had actually quoted it from kitten's blog and I now quote it here:
It's perfect in its simplicity, and it comes to my mind often when I catch myself being resistant, as it did this evening. And then I got over my shit - and did step three:
Thinking of being corrected on negative behaviour was easy.
Spending 10 minutes thiking about recent incidents between us was a little more difficult. After musing on the three simple steps, suddenly most of our recent 'incidents' made me feel a little ridiculous. If even half of those times I had even just done step 1, things would have gone much differently.
Surprisingly, thinking of five positive responses, was a LOT easier in this context than I thought it was going to be.
Gee, did I learn anything? I can't really say it's something NEW, exactly. My biggest fallacy is talking too much. No, seriously. I talk, talk, talk. I fill the silence, especially uncomfortable, tense, disappointing, or angry silences - those are my specialty. And when disapproval of any kind enters the picture, the silence doesn't even have to last more than, oh, a millisecond and I am rushing to fill it.
Where is the trust in my Owner? I need to give in, relax, breathe and remember to trust, to breathe, and to listen... just listen.
"Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much" ~ Robert Greenleaf
"The best time to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must say something or bust." ~ Josh Billings
As much as I got a thrill out of seeing the paper with the instructions on my pillow, I still wrinkled my nose and stuck out my lip in all of its pouty glory as soon as I read it. I couldn't help but sulk that my first assignment after so much time is one of those.
In all my petulance, when I went back to read it again, more thoroughly, I read the first line and got hung up - "Imagine I have just commented on a negative behaviour". I rejected that line. I said in my head "Well what if it was just YOU perceiving my behaviour as negative? What if I wasn't doing anything wrong and it was just YOU misperceiving me?"
I caught myself thinking that, and then on the heels of that thought came one simple idea slamming home. If my Owner thinks that something I am doing is negative behaviour, then it IS negative behaviour. After all, a good girl wants to please her Owner.
There was something travelling about the blogosphere lately that has really stuck with both me and Syr. I read it over at kaya's blog, and she had actually quoted it from kitten's blog and I now quote it here:
"Step One to pleasing your Master
SHUT UP.
Yes. Stop talking. Hush your mouth. Stop speaking. That
is the very first step in pleasing your Master.
Step Two.
LISTEN TO WHAT HE SAYS.
Listening is different from hearing. Listen to what he says. Get in there. Hear the words and retain them. Really listen. And if you want to say something while he’s talking? Refer back to STEP ONE.
Step Three
The Last and I think most important step in pleasing your Master is this simple phrase. This action should come directly after LISTENING.
DO WHAT HE SAID."
SHUT UP.
Yes. Stop talking. Hush your mouth. Stop speaking. That
is the very first step in pleasing your Master.
Step Two.
LISTEN TO WHAT HE SAYS.
Listening is different from hearing. Listen to what he says. Get in there. Hear the words and retain them. Really listen. And if you want to say something while he’s talking? Refer back to STEP ONE.
Step Three
The Last and I think most important step in pleasing your Master is this simple phrase. This action should come directly after LISTENING.
DO WHAT HE SAID."
It's perfect in its simplicity, and it comes to my mind often when I catch myself being resistant, as it did this evening. And then I got over my shit - and did step three:
Thinking of being corrected on negative behaviour was easy.
Spending 10 minutes thiking about recent incidents between us was a little more difficult. After musing on the three simple steps, suddenly most of our recent 'incidents' made me feel a little ridiculous. If even half of those times I had even just done step 1, things would have gone much differently.
Surprisingly, thinking of five positive responses, was a LOT easier in this context than I thought it was going to be.
- Say something like:"Thanks for telling me how that made You feel, I'll try to be more careful about my tone/how I express myself/my choice of words next time." Then stop talking and Listen.
- Give the benefit of the doubt. Rather than assuming that my Owner is angry, assume FIRST that it was a simple correction and if I still feel like my Owner is angry - ask. Then stop talking and Listen.
- I'm sorry, Syr/Daddy/my Owner. Then stop talking and Listen.
- Remind myself that any correction is done to benefit me, my Owner, or for the greater good of our relationship, THEN acknowledge my Owner's correction calmly. Then stop talking and Listen.
- Instead of a flat denial which devalues and undermines my Owner, be less literal and recognize that even if that wasn't what i "meant" or how I "intended" to come across, that if my behaviour was perceived by my Owner negatively, then there is something to be fixed. Respond with trust by acknowledging my Owner's perception, then stop talking and Listen.
Gee, did I learn anything? I can't really say it's something NEW, exactly. My biggest fallacy is talking too much. No, seriously. I talk, talk, talk. I fill the silence, especially uncomfortable, tense, disappointing, or angry silences - those are my specialty. And when disapproval of any kind enters the picture, the silence doesn't even have to last more than, oh, a millisecond and I am rushing to fill it.
Where is the trust in my Owner? I need to give in, relax, breathe and remember to trust, to breathe, and to listen... just listen.
"Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much" ~ Robert Greenleaf
"The best time to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must say something or bust." ~ Josh Billings
"The first duty of love is to listen" ~ Paul Tillich
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