The last few days, I've realized I've been craving, like hard-core craving.... big drops. Huge. The kind that leave me shaking and crying and not knowing which way is up. Scary drops.
Plummets.
I didn't realize how hard until, last night before bed, Syr threatened me with a wooden spoon and I admitted I wanted it.
I turned and held onto the counter and, even though spoons are stingy and stingy is not my favourite, I found myself feeling almost frustrated that it wasn't harder... hurting more. Then Syr broke the spoon on my ass. And I was still wanting.... craving.
She got a new spoon and continued. I had some lovely sting and it helped settle my energy some. But still... wanting.
I woke up this morning and found myself feeling little but still craving, Shortly after getting out of bed, I was playing with the puppies on the floor (so I was already on hands and knees) and - as if reading my mind, Syr came over, placed her foot on my back and pressed me down... then Her foot on my head, really mashing my forehead into the ceramic tile and in that moment what I thought was...
"Ow." and "Yum".
Since when did the painful pressure of forehead against ceramic tile feel so good? When she stopped and put Her foot in front of me and asked me to kiss it, I got literal shivers. This isn't Her style usually. But this sampling of harshness was.... delicious.
After this little interaction, Syr used the crop and the nerf bat on me. And though many of the strikes felt really hard and really stingy, and one made me semi-spontaneously roll over to (oh-so-briefly) hide my stinging bottom, I still knew that if She'd asked if I wanted more I'd have screamed yes in my head (though out loud would probably say "i dunno...." because I have such a hard time admitting in the moment what I REALLY want).
I know what it is about, really.
Syr's going through some medical stuff right now. Nothing "serious", but stuff that requires that She be looked after and that I be, well, the grown up making sure the things that need to get done, get done. And while all of that can be very slave-like and service-like and that part is all good, there is a feeling of me needing to be in control due to the circumstances. Not that I'm craving control, quite the opposite.
I have many triggers from past childhood stuff around medical stuff/illness. It's complicated. But I have been worried about my Owner lately, even though I know it's nothing serious. Even though I know that it will probably all be over in a few weeks at most. It is still clear that I must be grown-up and responsible and make sure She is taken care of.....
And I'm more than capable of doing that.
However, I do tend to get some anxiety around it. I'm pretty sure it's fear-based, insecurities, worries manifesting themselves. In part, I look to Her to be the Daddy and the Big Cheese and the One In Charge - and She still is, even though She's not feeling well. Logically I know that.
But emotionally, or more viscerally, I just am craving the reminders. And right now that craving is coming to the surface in the form of craving intense/harsh physical sensation and intense/harsh psychological/verbal interactions. Because these things make me feel safe. And there are a lot of life things in addition to Syr's medical concerns that have been making me feel unsettled/ungrounded lately.
All of that aside, though, truly..... what matters the most is what Syr needs to get through this medical stuff.
She needs to be able to rely on me - both to be there in a physical way but also to keep my shit together emotionally because this really isn't the time for Her to have to take on my shit.
I want to be reliable and steadfast and not let my worries and fears get in the way of being the kind of slave, wife and little girl that She needs.
It seems that the sweet spot in accomplishing these goals is
A: being honest with myself and with Her about where I'm at (trigger-wise/emotionally) so that there are no nasty surprises for either of us.
B: not being afraid to ask for a little ass-reddening
C: staying mindful (as always)
D: being honest about my fears and not pretending they aren't there.
Truthbomb: Her being in the ER/Hospital three different times in 7 days really shook me up. Suddenly I was asking myself that question that I ask every once in a while.... what would I do if I lost Her?
The answer is scary. I don't know that I could survive it. She is my whole world. My Universe. She's my Daddy and my Owner and the greatest love of my life - a love I never knew I could even have. Even the briefest imagining of what my life would look like without Her - shakes me. Big time.
So I can put two and two together and realize that the harshness and drops I'm craving have so much to do with wanting to feel and connect with her strength and power and vitality on a visceral physical level. To FEEL Her "okayness".
yes.
I crave Her hands on me and Her cock in me and my nails dragging down Her back.
I crave being thrown to the ground and fucked ruthlessly so I will feel raw and achey for days.
I crave Her teeth against my skin.
I crave Her hand over my mouth and nose stealing my breath for longer than I think I can handle.
I crave hair pulling, not the nice kind, the kind that hurts and brings stinging tears to my eyes.
I crave the harshest, stingiest face slaps.
I crave Her fists pounding into my the sweet spots on my ass and Her flogger on my back so hard that they leave bruises I can poke at.
I crave sting and thud and controlled, deliberate fear.
I crave blood and welts
and tears
and surrender.
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