So.... "fight or flight" came up today. I got so angry so fast. :( Haven't had that happen (bodily) for a very long time.
I mean.. righteous indignation/shaky anger.
And you know what, it lasted all of about 15 minutes. At the very most.
And wanna know what I learned by observing how I felt and how long it (didn't) last and how Syr responded/reacted? TWO things... actually.
FIRST -
I noticed something almost immediately. Syr didn't try to fix/control/micromanage or understand my anger. She didn't suddenly start asking me why I was acting so pissed off. She didn't try to justify or defend anything She'd said or done. She watched. She waited. She maybe made one or two comments about it (at most) to indicate She was noticing/seeing it. But otherwise She stayed relatively quiet. She chose whatever words She spoke fairly carefully (not in an anxiety-ridden way but in an.. hm. open way). She didn't RE-act. She didn't get angry at me for me being angry. I mean, She didn't seem happy about it... maybe even annoyed or exasperated. But She didn't panic, freak out or get angry AT me.
And you know what I recognize looking back? She was LETTING me have my feelings. Experience them. Even though, they were pretty much directed RIGHT AT HER.
And when I think about this... I think about how when Syr is angry or annoyed or frustrated it is so fucking hard for me to just let Her have Her feelings without jumping into anxiety-filled "fix it" mode where I try to control/micromanage/help/explain away/justify/defend or do anything so she won't have that emotion 'at' (perceived) me.
But Syr didn't see my anger as an attack. Hm. Correction... whether or not She saw it as an attack, She didn't immediately squash it.
But I do. She seems so... comfortable (for lack of better word) ... with the discomfort of intense emotions ... that is, by comparison to my intense anxiety/discomfort with intense emotions. I see/perceive anger and I'm like 'omg make it go away' and I KNOW deep down in my bones that this is a response to childhood trauma/abuse around 'unpleasant' or difficult emotions. BUT the contrast to how I behave when She's angry vs. how She behaved when I'm angry was... startling.
I've been trying to work on NOT squashing/defending/jumping into fix-it mode the second I see/perceive/notice an unpleasant emotion. It's total damage control mode... it's also totally survival mode... and it's super unhealthy for Her.
So.... SECOND....
After noticing all this stuff about being allowed to have my emotions, I also noticed/identified the trigger.
It was a dang email from someone who I had a business relationship with and who may be 'coming after me' financially.... someone who hinted I owed them a particular set of behaviors that i know damn well I don't owe them but I got 'triggered' none the less. So, after identifying how intense/out-of-line I was being, I knelt for my Owner to get a little internal headshake and Syr gave me a wonderful foot-head moment to ground..... and afterwards said something that SERIOUSLY hit home....
It wasn't that I got this email from this dude and just had a moment of wanting to shut the guy up by doing what he wanted... it was that I was triggered and jumping like I wanted to rush out and "obey" him.
That word. Obey.
And yes. That's exactly how I had been feeling. EITHER WAY I was not in any way going to act on it. But the ICK factor of that feeling of rushing out to obey someone who doesn't matter when my real life in-the-flesh Owner was sitting next to me in the car? Ooooooh boy.... did that clarify things or what?!
No wonder.
See I have a trigger around authority figures/unhealthy/dysfunctional type trigger where I get to feeling weak and like i should do whatever "they" say when they have some sort of "power-over" me (real or perceived). But I did NOT make the connection to the fact that it's like I'm being submissive to these people who are not my Owner when I react like that.
Ew.
Syr installed my backbone you know. Before this relationship, I really was just barely beginning to learn how to stand up for myself and it wasn't exactly smooth sailing. So much of the early years of our relationship were about Syr teaching me how to be more assertive... how to stand up for myself especially to people trying to "power-over" me.
But the IMPULSE or... instinct (?) maybe to do this is still there. It still rears its ugly head now and then, especially during times of stress because, and it makes sense.... that was how i got by day to day for so long. OBEDIENCE **WAS** my survival skill. Some people dissassociate. Some rebel. I obeyed. Always. Without question.
But THAT type of obedience is crazy-dysfunctional, disempowering, super duper unhealthy. **nods** it's just bad juju all around. So when Syr sees me behaving that way.... it's like a big ol' slap in Her "hey I totally earned your obedience you ungrateful little...." face. Yep.
Duh.
I don't need to obey anyone.... ANYONE... except Syr. No one. NO ONE else is my dominant, my owner, and NO ONE else has earned that kind of blind faith and trust. But Syr has.
So when Syr says I don't need to do what "so and so" says, I damn well better listen because...
She's right.
And doing anything else is like flipping Her the bird (and not in that fun bratty way but in the holy crap i'm being an oblivious and selfish little slavegirl way).
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