Control Issues

Soooooo, today some control issues reared their ugly heads. :(

I've been just sorta bouncing around in an almost round-the-clock subspace so I was convinced, I mean CONVINCED that I was coming at this thing from at totally subbie/service mindset... but....

Nope.

Deep down, what was going on was a desperate grab for control - control that I neither want nor need (and that is actually super unhealthy for me to have).

Of course, you'd think I'd be able to figure that out on my own, what with all this personal growth shit I've been doing for the last while...  but...

Nope.

And so, since this ended up looking like shades of many previous (dysfunctional) mad grabs for control on my part, Syr responded to this little act of service (read: grab for control) with all the patience of a gnat (and an angry gnat) because dammit I'm still doing this shit?

Basically.

And since my Owner seemed to go from zero to pissed in a manner of 3.5 seconds, I went from anxious control-freak girl to defensive dysfunctional girl in 4.5 and well you can guess how well that went over.

As in it didn't.

As in I fucked up.

It always comes back to shutting up and listening. Goddamnit. It's not that hard. I mean it is. But it's not that complicated and it SHOULDN'T be that hard. Really it's simple....

Stop. Fucking. Talking.

Listen.

TRUST

Cuz when I don't, it goes down like it did this afternoon. Syr pissed off. Me confused and anxious and not sure what I did wrong (cuz I didn't listen) - and then finally shutting up..... getting a few minutes to think and then my favourite moment ever happens (note: sarcasm)...

Oh shit. She was right.

Every.

Fucking.

Time.

For real. Every time. Every damn time. You'd think by now I'd have figured out that She always has my number. She ALWAYS ALWAYS knows what's going on under the surface even... no..

ESPECIALLY

when I don't understand what's going on.

So, cue me, contrite, red-faced, ashamed, and feeling like an idiot.....  about an hour later....admitting that yes... actually... I was trying to control the situation. I didn't realize it at the time... but that's what I was doing. Yes Syr. Exactly that.

And um, I'm sorry for making You have to tell me that about eight different times, eight different ways while I stared at you like a complete moron going "what are you talking about?!??!" because I wouldn't shut up long enough to listen/understand what you were talking about.

Again.

:(

As. Always. once I shut up, everything made sense. *sigh* So as always it comes back to that.

But I think, sometimes, more importantly even... what it comes down to is remembering and trusting that when you say I'm doing something or exhibiting a particular (usually unhealthy) behavior that you're right. And even if I don't know it now, in about fifteen minutes once I shut the fuck up, I'm going to realize you're right and feel like an idiot and a general fuck-up and maybe I could just save us both the trouble next time?

That's what I'm thinking right now.

These defensive, untrusty moments are totally undeserved and a colossal waste of time.
So.... I have more work to do.

Maybe perhaps part of that work is revisiting my old daily topics, and checking in with my Owner about these..... if they're still relevant, if they need to be updated/changed, and getting them back in the writing rotation, properly.

*Shutting Up
*Fight or Flight
*Listening
*Learning Coping & Behavior Strategies As An Adult
*Responding vs. Controlling a Situation
*Normal Situation / Abnormal Response
*Negating/Defending instead of Admitting/Moving Forward
*Answering Questions Indirectly

I need to check with Syr to see if ALL these are still relevant or if She wants to change/update any of them.