It was tough.
In the dream (nightmare), Syr and I were sitting on the couch together... and Syr got that look on her face that usually means she's irritated or upset or frustrated or something... and so I asked what was up.
The next thing I remember, she is tearfully reciting a poem she wrote about me, and it wasn't a nice one.
The lines that stood out to me the most, that I remember are the opening line "I can't remember the last time I woke up to the smell of bacon in the morning" and a line in the middle which I can't remember word for word but which basically amounted to the fact that she's found herself with a bad slave and an abusive girl for a wife (or some such). I remember in the dream admitting to my general suckage and we both said the words "not enough" a lot about my efforts or something.
The reality is, that sometimes (a lot of the time), I get very self-focused (tunnel-vision like) and stop seeing the forest for the trees. I get hung up and stuck on small unimportant things which prevent me from seeing the bigger picture.
The message in the nightmare/dream was clear.... remember who I am and why everything about WIITWD is so important to me.
The dream felt like a swift kick in the ass - and a painful one. And so I lay there awake for almost an hour and a half... trying to figure out what I should do. If I should get up and write about it.... at which point I knew I wouldn't get back to sleep and I had work at 9am.... or what? Instead I spiraled. And stewed. About my suckage.
At about 5:30am I realized I needed to do something so I could get back to sleep. So I made a few notes on my phone so I would remember the dream and then I came out to the couch where Syr had moved to (I found out later it was cuz her leg was jumpy) and got some reassuring sleepy snuggles.
After that, I got back to sleep but the anxiety lingered.
When Syr and I finally had a chance to talk about the dream at lunch, Syr was really loving and reassuring and reminded me that what sets us apart as a couple in many ways is the way we work on stuff - all the time. These are all known issues and things I'm actively working on and yes, there are days I could do better, but she just... reminded me that I am loved and precious and it's okay - and I really needed that.
I'm due to bleed in three days. Thanks PMS!! Ughs.
In other news... it's my birthday!!! <3
I'm 38. That feels weird to say. 40 will feel weirder, I think. lol
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