Blogger has some neat new template customization possibilities that I intend to explore a bit further. For now, I'm trying this new layout on for size. Let me know what you think!
I'd also really like some feedback on some options for the little check boxes at the bottom of each entry. I love the idea of getting quick feedback on posts from readers who might otherwise not comment. If any of you are inclined to give me some ideas, that would be lovely. I think insightful and hot are both keepers, but I'm not really very sure about the others.
I am so happy right now. I don't have time for a lengthy post today, but I am just feeling so contained and so aware and connected to my Owner. My daily chores feel like service, more than ever, and I'm not sure how to describe the difference. I know that, now, I feel more slave-like as I do them, but am not sure that really makes sense.
I just mostly feel very much, myself.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
Ouch
I am in a very very little head space right now so I know my ability to form really coherent thought is probably a bit lacking. So I'm going to keep it as simple as possible...
My bottom hurts.
I was disciplined after work today for some bad behaviour, and as I tried to explain to Syr afterward, it's not that previous punishments haven't felt like punishments (they have) or made me feel contrite (they have!), but the shift to a punishment that is physically really and truly unpleasantly painful has made me realize what a difference it can make.
And when I say it was unpleasantly painful, I mean that it really was. She used the new evil implement ($2 rug beater turned slave beater) and not at all conservatively. She swung hard and I don't know how many times but I know that when She told me to stop squirming, I started crying harder because I was finding that an impossible task but then I went flat down on my tummy and that seemed to work because there was no where for me to go and Syr could still get at my bottom with the evil thing. She held me afterward while I sobbed and reminded me what the punishment was for and gave me some instructions.
My bottom still stings a great deal and I feel such complete and utter adoration and gratitude for my Owner.
My bottom hurts.
I was disciplined after work today for some bad behaviour, and as I tried to explain to Syr afterward, it's not that previous punishments haven't felt like punishments (they have) or made me feel contrite (they have!), but the shift to a punishment that is physically really and truly unpleasantly painful has made me realize what a difference it can make.
And when I say it was unpleasantly painful, I mean that it really was. She used the new evil implement ($2 rug beater turned slave beater) and not at all conservatively. She swung hard and I don't know how many times but I know that when She told me to stop squirming, I started crying harder because I was finding that an impossible task but then I went flat down on my tummy and that seemed to work because there was no where for me to go and Syr could still get at my bottom with the evil thing. She held me afterward while I sobbed and reminded me what the punishment was for and gave me some instructions.
My bottom still stings a great deal and I feel such complete and utter adoration and gratitude for my Owner.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
My Owner has a Friend
Okay, more specifically, my Owner has a Toppy/Dominant/Daddy-type friend. This is both really really fun because said friend's little girl and I are BFFs so the fun of doing stuff altogether is really really excellent.
The two of Them sharing ideas .... and giving each other implements as gifts and just generally sharing in each other's evilness... that part is both a little intimidating (eeks) and yet also exciting.
The four of us spent the afternoon/evening together last night. As soon as we got there, T had to show Syr a dollar store find (a very solid, flat-backed bathroom scrub brush) which He then GAVE to Syr since they were planning to go back to the same store later. Meep.
And then of course, one of the highlights of our plans that day was a trip to a nearby bargain store that is two stories and has a very wide variety of Japanese-inspired things.... everything from dishes and housewares to kids toys and crafts. The haul of BDSM-intended goodies was pretty impressive on both T & l's side and Syr's and mine.
Syr came away with what looks like a giant wooden spoon where the spoon part is very flat and big enough to cover one butt cheek on a stroke and a really cool plastic (that looks like bamboo) rug beater thing - turned slave beater. This thing has no wind resistance and one day I will take a photo of it. Syr of course had to buy one for T too. Syr also pointed out the long pieces of real bamboo and some long, very very wickedly thin pieces of coated metal - intended as Orchid supports (from the garden section) which T ended up picking up. Other finds included a small solid wooden hairbrush (for Syr) and a new, inexpensive dog collar with a quick release snap for me to be able to sleep in (which we forgot but Syr took me back out to get it today), and very sturdy baby pins for T (of which he gave TWO to Syr who then bought a pack of Her own today).
Regarding the pins: T gave Syr the idea a week or so ago to keep a safety pin on Her at all time (on Her pants/belt loop). It's quite discreet and when I need a quick correction, a subtle but effective poke with the pin brings me right back into line. So, He gave Her a few regular safety pins and it had been working really well. So, when we were all at the discount store, He found some sturdy baby pins and gave Her two of them. They were much stronger (and sharper) with much less risk of them popping open while Syr was wearing them. She liked them so well, She got some more of Her own today. They hurt much worse than the basic safety pins from before and She really likes using it on me.
After shopping, we all headed to dinner and then back to T & l's place for coffee and treats. Of course, once there, both T and Syr had to try out their new implements on us and, well, ouch! I think Syr really enjoys these little opportunities to be more open and expansive with the kink thanks to -
Friends are good!!! I love spending time with T & l. And, I can't honestly decide if the implement and tip-sharing extravaganza that is going on is fun or is scary.
But.. I have to admit.. it IS hot.
The two of Them sharing ideas .... and giving each other implements as gifts and just generally sharing in each other's evilness... that part is both a little intimidating (eeks) and yet also exciting.
The four of us spent the afternoon/evening together last night. As soon as we got there, T had to show Syr a dollar store find (a very solid, flat-backed bathroom scrub brush) which He then GAVE to Syr since they were planning to go back to the same store later. Meep.
And then of course, one of the highlights of our plans that day was a trip to a nearby bargain store that is two stories and has a very wide variety of Japanese-inspired things.... everything from dishes and housewares to kids toys and crafts. The haul of BDSM-intended goodies was pretty impressive on both T & l's side and Syr's and mine.
Syr came away with what looks like a giant wooden spoon where the spoon part is very flat and big enough to cover one butt cheek on a stroke and a really cool plastic (that looks like bamboo) rug beater thing - turned slave beater. This thing has no wind resistance and one day I will take a photo of it. Syr of course had to buy one for T too. Syr also pointed out the long pieces of real bamboo and some long, very very wickedly thin pieces of coated metal - intended as Orchid supports (from the garden section) which T ended up picking up. Other finds included a small solid wooden hairbrush (for Syr) and a new, inexpensive dog collar with a quick release snap for me to be able to sleep in (which we forgot but Syr took me back out to get it today), and very sturdy baby pins for T (of which he gave TWO to Syr who then bought a pack of Her own today).
Regarding the pins: T gave Syr the idea a week or so ago to keep a safety pin on Her at all time (on Her pants/belt loop). It's quite discreet and when I need a quick correction, a subtle but effective poke with the pin brings me right back into line. So, He gave Her a few regular safety pins and it had been working really well. So, when we were all at the discount store, He found some sturdy baby pins and gave Her two of them. They were much stronger (and sharper) with much less risk of them popping open while Syr was wearing them. She liked them so well, She got some more of Her own today. They hurt much worse than the basic safety pins from before and She really likes using it on me.
After shopping, we all headed to dinner and then back to T & l's place for coffee and treats. Of course, once there, both T and Syr had to try out their new implements on us and, well, ouch! I think Syr really enjoys these little opportunities to be more open and expansive with the kink thanks to -
Friends are good!!! I love spending time with T & l. And, I can't honestly decide if the implement and tip-sharing extravaganza that is going on is fun or is scary.
But.. I have to admit.. it IS hot.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Owie
This morning, I felt compelled to confess to my Owner, as I always do when I know I've made an error. The difference was that first I confessed the short version. But, then.... I felt like I had to provide more information. I knew, already, that Syr was going to punish me. I also knew that by providing the additional information, I may be in for a worse punishment. But, I still felt compelled to speak. Another part of the awakening of how deep this goes.. how unhindered my submission is now.
Syr took me upstairs right away, not swayed from punishing me by my confession. Following Her up those stairs, knowing we were headed for the privacy of the bedroom, and knowing why - was a part of the punishment itself. I felt very contrite and very apprehensive. I dragged my feet, mentally (though not physically, I wasn't taking any chances!)
She sat on the bed, Her new gift from T in Her hand. I wasn't surprised. I knew that was what She would be reaching for, for punishment now.
"Down", She commanded and after a bit of fidgeting on my part, and after grabbing a pillow to muffle any involuntary sounds I might make - down I went.
Once my face was buried in the pillow, my bottom high and my arms in front of me, She pulled my pajama bottoms and panties down, exposing my bottom. I couldn't help whimpering. The last strike she'd delivered with Her gift two nights prior had been over my pajamas, not on bare skin.
The first one, was light. She is still adjusting to it. The second, third, and fourth were quite hard and I stifled myself with the pillow and, without thinking, squirmed my bottom away. "Don't, or I'll start over." Syr warned, and I got my bottom back up in the air. There were two more, lighter, strikes and then it was over. Syr pulled my pajamas and panties back up and I scrunched up close, hugging Her leg and burying my face in Her lap as little tears fell and my Owner pet my head softly.
She spoke firmly, reminding me of the reason for the punishment, and then lifted my chin, "are you ready to be a good girl again?", She asked. I nodded, "Yes, Syr".
Syr kissed my forehead and we went back downstairs to finish our morning coffee.
While it's true that the emotional and psychological impact of being punished can turn any implement into a tool for punishment, I have to admit that there is a different impact to having a specific implement with such an unpleasant sensation, that I hate, dread, and fear it just by thinking about it. The impact feels greater, somehow. And I also know, that it is the one implement I could NOT enjoy in any context. Other implements can be used in pleasurable ways without feeling like a punishment, but I don't think this one can.
My bottom still remembers the sting of my punishment, and the implement (which needs a name, for convenience of writing about it if for no other reason) is awful - but I am a very grateful slave for those very reasons. I feel very contained, and very secure... and very... very... aware of my behaviour.
Syr took me upstairs right away, not swayed from punishing me by my confession. Following Her up those stairs, knowing we were headed for the privacy of the bedroom, and knowing why - was a part of the punishment itself. I felt very contrite and very apprehensive. I dragged my feet, mentally (though not physically, I wasn't taking any chances!)
She sat on the bed, Her new gift from T in Her hand. I wasn't surprised. I knew that was what She would be reaching for, for punishment now.
"Down", She commanded and after a bit of fidgeting on my part, and after grabbing a pillow to muffle any involuntary sounds I might make - down I went.
Once my face was buried in the pillow, my bottom high and my arms in front of me, She pulled my pajama bottoms and panties down, exposing my bottom. I couldn't help whimpering. The last strike she'd delivered with Her gift two nights prior had been over my pajamas, not on bare skin.
The first one, was light. She is still adjusting to it. The second, third, and fourth were quite hard and I stifled myself with the pillow and, without thinking, squirmed my bottom away. "Don't, or I'll start over." Syr warned, and I got my bottom back up in the air. There were two more, lighter, strikes and then it was over. Syr pulled my pajamas and panties back up and I scrunched up close, hugging Her leg and burying my face in Her lap as little tears fell and my Owner pet my head softly.
She spoke firmly, reminding me of the reason for the punishment, and then lifted my chin, "are you ready to be a good girl again?", She asked. I nodded, "Yes, Syr".
Syr kissed my forehead and we went back downstairs to finish our morning coffee.
While it's true that the emotional and psychological impact of being punished can turn any implement into a tool for punishment, I have to admit that there is a different impact to having a specific implement with such an unpleasant sensation, that I hate, dread, and fear it just by thinking about it. The impact feels greater, somehow. And I also know, that it is the one implement I could NOT enjoy in any context. Other implements can be used in pleasurable ways without feeling like a punishment, but I don't think this one can.
My bottom still remembers the sting of my punishment, and the implement (which needs a name, for convenience of writing about it if for no other reason) is awful - but I am a very grateful slave for those very reasons. I feel very contained, and very secure... and very... very... aware of my behaviour.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
My first little girl play-date!!!
I didn't want to mix up this lighter post with the depth of the last one but I simply NEED to post this! ;)
I had my FIRST EVER PLAY-DATE last night!!! It was absolutely awesome and I'm really really hoping I'll get to have another one very soon!
Daddy and my friends, T & L invited us over for a playdate last night. T is the Daddy and L is the girl. L and I are really close friends, already. We have a lot in common, not the least of which is that our relationship dynamics are VERY similar. She has a Daddy/Owner in a 24/7 dynamic, as do I, and both have similar views. But, still, the timing couldn't have been better.
Daddy let me bring like ALL of my toys! I hadn't really played with many of them much at all because it's just not the same to play by yourself! I brought two of my bears and my whole wardrobe of build-a-bear clothes to show her, and I brought playdough, and little kinder-surprise toys, and mylittleponies, and colouring books and crayons and... I can't remember what else. But I was so excited!!
When I got there, L & I changed into our jammies and got right to playing. But T had presents for us, special matching hair things - black with pink pirate skulls on them. Our Daddies put our hair up in pigtails - THEN we got jammies on and then we played a board game and did some other stuff and just had a blast. The Daddies ordered pizza and we went back and forth between playing and all talking and stuff.
The Daddies had a lot of really good conversation and bonding. T & L knew about the recent breakthrought hat Daddy and I had, so there was lots of bonding/talking/and sharing about that.
T gave my Daddy some presents that were intended for effective (and stealth - given our privacy issues that we have) discipline as that has been a point of frustration for Daddy. T had previously offered, but Daddy hadn't quite understood the offer so it was a miscommunication and She'd mentioned to me later that She did want one so I had emailed L and asked if she would ask her Daddy if he could make one for my Daddy after all. It's a really wicked tool made with a wire coat hanger and duct tape that ... is really, really, really ouchie. I hate it. Which is the point. I was punished once with it last night - in a serious way, that is - and it left a bruise and hurt very very badly. I've been really good since. Daddy also got some good ideas for tools that allow Her to have ways to discipline me that guarantee some privacy and that are also effective.
It ended up being a really amazing evening all around. Really good bonding for all four of us - I feel so close to L and more and more to T who has just really wonderful energy and whom I already find I respect a great deal, even though we've only just begun getting to know him in person. I don't think any of us wanted the evening to end - but T assured me and L that we could have another play-date soon.
I know that I (and I am sure L, too) found that it was really amazing to just let my hair down and really sink into my littleness like that. We had total privacy (just the four of us) and no judging eyes or ears anywhere near. My little girl space is very innocent in nature, and being able to share that with another girl is just amazing.
Years and years ago, I had a slave-sister who had some little girl in her too, and we would get giggly together and I think we coloured together once or twice, but even that wasn't like this.
I think it helps that L is really a best friend, not just in the context of kink-friendly peeps but in life in general - and so I felt completely safe to just be myself. It was just a really really happy time.
Daddy reminded me to send a thank you note to T & L this morning, which I did, and in it I suggested that maybe we could fingerpaint next time!
I had my FIRST EVER PLAY-DATE last night!!! It was absolutely awesome and I'm really really hoping I'll get to have another one very soon!
Daddy and my friends, T & L invited us over for a playdate last night. T is the Daddy and L is the girl. L and I are really close friends, already. We have a lot in common, not the least of which is that our relationship dynamics are VERY similar. She has a Daddy/Owner in a 24/7 dynamic, as do I, and both have similar views. But, still, the timing couldn't have been better.
Daddy let me bring like ALL of my toys! I hadn't really played with many of them much at all because it's just not the same to play by yourself! I brought two of my bears and my whole wardrobe of build-a-bear clothes to show her, and I brought playdough, and little kinder-surprise toys, and mylittleponies, and colouring books and crayons and... I can't remember what else. But I was so excited!!
When I got there, L & I changed into our jammies and got right to playing. But T had presents for us, special matching hair things - black with pink pirate skulls on them. Our Daddies put our hair up in pigtails - THEN we got jammies on and then we played a board game and did some other stuff and just had a blast. The Daddies ordered pizza and we went back and forth between playing and all talking and stuff.
The Daddies had a lot of really good conversation and bonding. T & L knew about the recent breakthrought hat Daddy and I had, so there was lots of bonding/talking/and sharing about that.
T gave my Daddy some presents that were intended for effective (and stealth - given our privacy issues that we have) discipline as that has been a point of frustration for Daddy. T had previously offered, but Daddy hadn't quite understood the offer so it was a miscommunication and She'd mentioned to me later that She did want one so I had emailed L and asked if she would ask her Daddy if he could make one for my Daddy after all. It's a really wicked tool made with a wire coat hanger and duct tape that ... is really, really, really ouchie. I hate it. Which is the point. I was punished once with it last night - in a serious way, that is - and it left a bruise and hurt very very badly. I've been really good since. Daddy also got some good ideas for tools that allow Her to have ways to discipline me that guarantee some privacy and that are also effective.
It ended up being a really amazing evening all around. Really good bonding for all four of us - I feel so close to L and more and more to T who has just really wonderful energy and whom I already find I respect a great deal, even though we've only just begun getting to know him in person. I don't think any of us wanted the evening to end - but T assured me and L that we could have another play-date soon.
I know that I (and I am sure L, too) found that it was really amazing to just let my hair down and really sink into my littleness like that. We had total privacy (just the four of us) and no judging eyes or ears anywhere near. My little girl space is very innocent in nature, and being able to share that with another girl is just amazing.
Years and years ago, I had a slave-sister who had some little girl in her too, and we would get giggly together and I think we coloured together once or twice, but even that wasn't like this.
I think it helps that L is really a best friend, not just in the context of kink-friendly peeps but in life in general - and so I felt completely safe to just be myself. It was just a really really happy time.
Daddy reminded me to send a thank you note to T & L this morning, which I did, and in it I suggested that maybe we could fingerpaint next time!
Breakthrough
Wednesday night, my entire world turned upside down for about 12 hours. It wasn't fun, it was pretty scary, but it was necessary.
The last three or four months had been slowly building up to it, and I think that in large part it was because I was in the midst of a pretty major growth spurt (mental/spiritual growth, that is). It seems that each time I have a major breakthrough or moment of growth there is a build to it.
In this case, I just wasn't really in a great place. I was testy, sensitive, and defiant when my feelings got hurt (which was easily). I was being careless about protocols that are important to both of us and rituals that make us both feel good.
And then, it culminated in an argument where it all came crashing down around me in a cascade of reality and a very uncomfortable hard look at my behaviour and what it was doing - to myself, my Owner, our relationship, and our dynamic.
For those excruciating 12 hours, I felt as if I was VERY close to losing the right to wear my Owner's collar, and I was also faced with the realization that whether or not I actually lost it - or was at risk of losing it - I was certainly not in a position where I could say I believed I deserved to wear it. It took an enormous amount of resolve and trust in my Owner to NOT offer to give it up. There was that part of me, so filled with shame over my recent behaviour, that really felt the right thing to do was to kneel at Her feet and hold my wrist up and offer that I understood if She needed to remove it. And then, I remembered to trust. I am owned because my Owner has chosen me. It is not up to me to suggest the removal of Her collar. It IS up to me to trust and obey Her. And in that moment, that was the truth I clung to.
The fear and the shame as the full realization of the way I'd been behaving really hit me were pretty overwhelming. The nature of these emotions was that I was removed of all complacency. I no longer had the luxury of the status quo. No, I could take nothing for granted, because I did not know if I would still be Owned in the morning....
And so I was stripped down to some very simple facts -
My Owner loves me.
I love my Owner.
I still wore Her collar.
I needed to listen, trust, and obey.
And those things were all I had left to cling to amongst a hot bed of uncertainty that the argument had brought about. I knew that if I did not listen... trust... and obey... in this most critical of moments - that the equilibrium of a moment that felt "in between" could be thrown out of balance and I could end up tipping the scales to the side of losing what is so very important to me.
And so, I listened, to some hard truths - things I knew to be true the moment they were out of Her mouth, about the last few months, and why things were the way they were that moment. I heard the truth of the hurt I caused my beloved Owner, and the truth of the lack of respect I had shown. I heard and I listened - and then I panicked. I panicked quietly, and closed my eyes to try to sleep when my Owner told me to.... but I barely slept. I clung to Her throughout the night, so afraid that I was on the brink of losing everything because of my own complacency.
When I woke, it was time to go to work. And I felt as if I was barely functioning. I couldn't stop crying... I couldn't pull myself together. All I felt was fear.
And when I got to the office, in between phone calls and work commitments, I tried to think it all through. I needed to untangle the mess in my head to get some order into it.... to bring some sense to the fear. I could feel my thoughts spiraling. Much of my fear was fueled by me imagining what She MIGHT be about to do, and the more I thought about it, the more I replayed the words She'd said, the more frightened I got.
And then, when talking to a friend (in vanilla context) about my fear, she said something pretty wise....
I said, "I'm afraid that I'll fail at making the changes I need to make... I'm afraid I won't make them fast enough and it will be too late."
She replied, simply, "Is today too late?".
The simplicity of her question stunned me OUT of the fear and into productive thinking. Within an hour or two, I realized that I was over-complicating it. Especially in light of the power exchange context of our relationship, it was simple. I needed to listen... trust... obey... and respect my Owner. And lo and behold, those simple things were what I had clung to in all of my fear.
The foundation has been there all the time, unshaken. I had lost sight of it, stopped paying as much attention to it as I need to, but it was still there... even when reduced to crippling emotional fear... it was those very things I clung to - those very things that I knew were the right things to do. My submission is not at the surface... it goes deep... deeper than i ever knew it could... and that depth is specifically linked to my depth of love and trust for my Owner.
And then I realized something else. The only reason to feel fear (fear I was going to lose Her, lose the right to be owned by Her), was if I was already planning NOT to change my behaviour. I knew what changes needed to be made. If I made them - what was there to be afraid of? Nothing. If, however, I was already looking for an excuse not to make the changes - somehow being avoidant - than I had valid reason to be afraid.
And just like that, the fear ... it just evaporated. It was simple. I am owned. I just needed to get back to basics and act like it. So much of our relationship was on seriously solid ground. Things weren't as dire as they'd seemed the previous night. But it was time to put up or shut up. I chose to put up. ;-)
I wish that I could really write well enough to do this breakthrough justice, because it was huge for me - really, really huge.
I have a lot of abandonment and self-worth issues that I have worked on throughout the years, and I am a far stronger, more independent, more powerful woman - in my slavery now than I ever was whether owned or not, before. And yet this still was the first time I had overcome that with simple thinking and processing and most of all - remembering just how deeply I trust my Owner.
I knew in my hear that She would not let me or my slavery go so easily. She has never NOT given me the opportunity to grow and learn from a situation. She had been patient and understanding - and just had to have that hard talk with me of "okay, and now I've had enough." And I needed that. I needed to know that I was hurting Her, undermining Her, and I needed to process that and come to my own conclusions and my own solutions. I needed to pick myself up, brush myself off and take charge of myself - prove to both myself AND Her that I was committed to Her, to my own personal growth, to our marriage, and to my slavery.
Once the fear was gone, I was swept up by an almost elated feeling. It was like a rush of solidity and knowledge that I was exactly where I was supposed to be, doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing. My feet were firmly on my path and I was embracing my authenticity. I felt.... EMPOWERED.
In all of my life, I have never come out of a relationship-related argument or out of a situation that forced me to face my own humanity and mistakes and shadows without feeling a loss of self-esteem, without feeling guilty and worthless and devalued.... until this time.
When I came out of the other side of that 12 hours of absolute stark panic, what I found was a firm belief in myself that I didn't even realize was there. Not a victim at all, I am the mistress of my destiny. And yes there is irony in that. I am a strong, powerful woman who can be the best she can be because that's what she CHOOSES to be. I am not the purveyor of my past. I am not a puppet to be ruled by emotions and patterns and programming installed by the abusers of my childhood. I am stronger than that.
And, oh, if I could only describe how beautiful and amazing the rewards of this breakthrough are.
It's only the third day but I feel Owned at a deeper level than ever before - and not because my Owner threw me at Her feet and demanded my obedience - but because I realized that, with every fiber of my being, that is where I belong, where I am meant to (and want to) be, and I was going to bring my actions in line with this.
I see the pride in my Owner's eyes at having gotten to this place. She believes in me, is proud of me.... and I feel deserving of that pride. That's a good feeling.
My focus is back where it needs to be. I have found myself back in a truly service-oriented headspace.
My daily chores, a ritual that began just a few weeks ago, are still going well. I've added a few things that I know I should be doing. Following this recent breakthrough, I also asked Syr if we could add 5 minutes or so of meditation as a chore I am required to do when I first get home from work each evening of the work-week and She agreed. It doesn't need to be much, but I feel that 5 minutes of quiet contemplation, whether it is more spiritual in nature, or focused on my slavery, would be beneficial as a regular reminder of what I have so recently learned.
I said to my Owner, this afternoon, that I feel like I want to ask permission for everything. She replied "Good, because that's how it is." I looked at Her, puzzled, and She clarified. "That's how it's always been, so I'm glad you're finally feeling normal again."
I want to ask permission for things, and have been since this breakthrough - because it feels right and good and not because I feel I "should" to be a good slave, but because it feels.... more NATURAL. My obedience, my trust, my total consuming feeling of being securely in my place is where I feel the most true to myself. I feel like I've come back home after too much time away. It feels good... and easy.
The last three or four months had been slowly building up to it, and I think that in large part it was because I was in the midst of a pretty major growth spurt (mental/spiritual growth, that is). It seems that each time I have a major breakthrough or moment of growth there is a build to it.
In this case, I just wasn't really in a great place. I was testy, sensitive, and defiant when my feelings got hurt (which was easily). I was being careless about protocols that are important to both of us and rituals that make us both feel good.
And then, it culminated in an argument where it all came crashing down around me in a cascade of reality and a very uncomfortable hard look at my behaviour and what it was doing - to myself, my Owner, our relationship, and our dynamic.
For those excruciating 12 hours, I felt as if I was VERY close to losing the right to wear my Owner's collar, and I was also faced with the realization that whether or not I actually lost it - or was at risk of losing it - I was certainly not in a position where I could say I believed I deserved to wear it. It took an enormous amount of resolve and trust in my Owner to NOT offer to give it up. There was that part of me, so filled with shame over my recent behaviour, that really felt the right thing to do was to kneel at Her feet and hold my wrist up and offer that I understood if She needed to remove it. And then, I remembered to trust. I am owned because my Owner has chosen me. It is not up to me to suggest the removal of Her collar. It IS up to me to trust and obey Her. And in that moment, that was the truth I clung to.
The fear and the shame as the full realization of the way I'd been behaving really hit me were pretty overwhelming. The nature of these emotions was that I was removed of all complacency. I no longer had the luxury of the status quo. No, I could take nothing for granted, because I did not know if I would still be Owned in the morning....
And so I was stripped down to some very simple facts -
My Owner loves me.
I love my Owner.
I still wore Her collar.
I needed to listen, trust, and obey.
And those things were all I had left to cling to amongst a hot bed of uncertainty that the argument had brought about. I knew that if I did not listen... trust... and obey... in this most critical of moments - that the equilibrium of a moment that felt "in between" could be thrown out of balance and I could end up tipping the scales to the side of losing what is so very important to me.
And so, I listened, to some hard truths - things I knew to be true the moment they were out of Her mouth, about the last few months, and why things were the way they were that moment. I heard the truth of the hurt I caused my beloved Owner, and the truth of the lack of respect I had shown. I heard and I listened - and then I panicked. I panicked quietly, and closed my eyes to try to sleep when my Owner told me to.... but I barely slept. I clung to Her throughout the night, so afraid that I was on the brink of losing everything because of my own complacency.
When I woke, it was time to go to work. And I felt as if I was barely functioning. I couldn't stop crying... I couldn't pull myself together. All I felt was fear.
And when I got to the office, in between phone calls and work commitments, I tried to think it all through. I needed to untangle the mess in my head to get some order into it.... to bring some sense to the fear. I could feel my thoughts spiraling. Much of my fear was fueled by me imagining what She MIGHT be about to do, and the more I thought about it, the more I replayed the words She'd said, the more frightened I got.
And then, when talking to a friend (in vanilla context) about my fear, she said something pretty wise....
I said, "I'm afraid that I'll fail at making the changes I need to make... I'm afraid I won't make them fast enough and it will be too late."
She replied, simply, "Is today too late?".
The simplicity of her question stunned me OUT of the fear and into productive thinking. Within an hour or two, I realized that I was over-complicating it. Especially in light of the power exchange context of our relationship, it was simple. I needed to listen... trust... obey... and respect my Owner. And lo and behold, those simple things were what I had clung to in all of my fear.
The foundation has been there all the time, unshaken. I had lost sight of it, stopped paying as much attention to it as I need to, but it was still there... even when reduced to crippling emotional fear... it was those very things I clung to - those very things that I knew were the right things to do. My submission is not at the surface... it goes deep... deeper than i ever knew it could... and that depth is specifically linked to my depth of love and trust for my Owner.
And then I realized something else. The only reason to feel fear (fear I was going to lose Her, lose the right to be owned by Her), was if I was already planning NOT to change my behaviour. I knew what changes needed to be made. If I made them - what was there to be afraid of? Nothing. If, however, I was already looking for an excuse not to make the changes - somehow being avoidant - than I had valid reason to be afraid.
And just like that, the fear ... it just evaporated. It was simple. I am owned. I just needed to get back to basics and act like it. So much of our relationship was on seriously solid ground. Things weren't as dire as they'd seemed the previous night. But it was time to put up or shut up. I chose to put up. ;-)
I wish that I could really write well enough to do this breakthrough justice, because it was huge for me - really, really huge.
I have a lot of abandonment and self-worth issues that I have worked on throughout the years, and I am a far stronger, more independent, more powerful woman - in my slavery now than I ever was whether owned or not, before. And yet this still was the first time I had overcome that with simple thinking and processing and most of all - remembering just how deeply I trust my Owner.
I knew in my hear that She would not let me or my slavery go so easily. She has never NOT given me the opportunity to grow and learn from a situation. She had been patient and understanding - and just had to have that hard talk with me of "okay, and now I've had enough." And I needed that. I needed to know that I was hurting Her, undermining Her, and I needed to process that and come to my own conclusions and my own solutions. I needed to pick myself up, brush myself off and take charge of myself - prove to both myself AND Her that I was committed to Her, to my own personal growth, to our marriage, and to my slavery.
Once the fear was gone, I was swept up by an almost elated feeling. It was like a rush of solidity and knowledge that I was exactly where I was supposed to be, doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing. My feet were firmly on my path and I was embracing my authenticity. I felt.... EMPOWERED.
In all of my life, I have never come out of a relationship-related argument or out of a situation that forced me to face my own humanity and mistakes and shadows without feeling a loss of self-esteem, without feeling guilty and worthless and devalued.... until this time.
When I came out of the other side of that 12 hours of absolute stark panic, what I found was a firm belief in myself that I didn't even realize was there. Not a victim at all, I am the mistress of my destiny. And yes there is irony in that. I am a strong, powerful woman who can be the best she can be because that's what she CHOOSES to be. I am not the purveyor of my past. I am not a puppet to be ruled by emotions and patterns and programming installed by the abusers of my childhood. I am stronger than that.
And, oh, if I could only describe how beautiful and amazing the rewards of this breakthrough are.
It's only the third day but I feel Owned at a deeper level than ever before - and not because my Owner threw me at Her feet and demanded my obedience - but because I realized that, with every fiber of my being, that is where I belong, where I am meant to (and want to) be, and I was going to bring my actions in line with this.
I see the pride in my Owner's eyes at having gotten to this place. She believes in me, is proud of me.... and I feel deserving of that pride. That's a good feeling.
My focus is back where it needs to be. I have found myself back in a truly service-oriented headspace.
My daily chores, a ritual that began just a few weeks ago, are still going well. I've added a few things that I know I should be doing. Following this recent breakthrough, I also asked Syr if we could add 5 minutes or so of meditation as a chore I am required to do when I first get home from work each evening of the work-week and She agreed. It doesn't need to be much, but I feel that 5 minutes of quiet contemplation, whether it is more spiritual in nature, or focused on my slavery, would be beneficial as a regular reminder of what I have so recently learned.
I said to my Owner, this afternoon, that I feel like I want to ask permission for everything. She replied "Good, because that's how it is." I looked at Her, puzzled, and She clarified. "That's how it's always been, so I'm glad you're finally feeling normal again."
I want to ask permission for things, and have been since this breakthrough - because it feels right and good and not because I feel I "should" to be a good slave, but because it feels.... more NATURAL. My obedience, my trust, my total consuming feeling of being securely in my place is where I feel the most true to myself. I feel like I've come back home after too much time away. It feels good... and easy.
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
Quickie
No, not that kind. Sorry folks!
I have some daily tasks now that are more formalized, in the chore category. I'm not a big fan of chores, which isn't a huge surprise, I'm sure. But Syr has given me a task to do a 5 minute tidying up of each of five rooms in the house, each day of the week except Saturday and Sunday.
It was a little funny because She said She was going to make me a chore chart. And, teasing, I asked Her, "You're going to make a chore chart?" and She said yes and described the 5 minute daily chore idea... and then I repeated the question putting extra emphasis on the first part ... "You're going to make me a chore chart?" and then She understood the question, snickered, and said "No, you are." Mmhmm... as I thought.
So I have a little day planner (hello kitty!) and I've been using it to keep track of my running balance of Good Girl money (pennies I have left at the end of a week of tiny transgressions as per the penny system), so I now have a section for keeping track of my daily chores.
So now there are three -
5 Minute Tidy Up (Mondays are Kitchen, Tuesdays are downstairs bathroom, Wednesdays are Living Room, Thursdays are upstairs bathroom and Fridays are bedroom)
Blog Post (either here or in my other journal)
Laundry (fold/hang up and put away clean laundry - Syr does the washing/drying).
It's only day two of the formalized process and I have to say that I was surprised at how it didn't feel like hard work to clean up the bathroom. I thought I was going to be really grumbly about it but I kinda got into the service aspect, which I'm sure is no big surprise to my Owner, but WAS a surprise to me! ;)
I do love ritual and daily reminders of my role in my Owner's Household are good for me, on a lot of levels.
I have some daily tasks now that are more formalized, in the chore category. I'm not a big fan of chores, which isn't a huge surprise, I'm sure. But Syr has given me a task to do a 5 minute tidying up of each of five rooms in the house, each day of the week except Saturday and Sunday.
It was a little funny because She said She was going to make me a chore chart. And, teasing, I asked Her, "You're going to make a chore chart?" and She said yes and described the 5 minute daily chore idea... and then I repeated the question putting extra emphasis on the first part ... "You're going to make me a chore chart?" and then She understood the question, snickered, and said "No, you are." Mmhmm... as I thought.
So I have a little day planner (hello kitty!) and I've been using it to keep track of my running balance of Good Girl money (pennies I have left at the end of a week of tiny transgressions as per the penny system), so I now have a section for keeping track of my daily chores.
So now there are three -
5 Minute Tidy Up (Mondays are Kitchen, Tuesdays are downstairs bathroom, Wednesdays are Living Room, Thursdays are upstairs bathroom and Fridays are bedroom)
Blog Post (either here or in my other journal)
Laundry (fold/hang up and put away clean laundry - Syr does the washing/drying).
It's only day two of the formalized process and I have to say that I was surprised at how it didn't feel like hard work to clean up the bathroom. I thought I was going to be really grumbly about it but I kinda got into the service aspect, which I'm sure is no big surprise to my Owner, but WAS a surprise to me! ;)
I do love ritual and daily reminders of my role in my Owner's Household are good for me, on a lot of levels.
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