Lost

I awoke this morning, tossing and turning and near tears from a dream where I was seperated from my Owner & Daddy. She was still right next to me for snuggles but only for a moment as the alarm was going off and we had to get ready to head out to our jobs for the day...

I was feeling unsettled, and sleepy. I had a pretty rough night and was feeling particularly vulnerable and sensitive. After I dropped Her off at the transit station, I just focused on driving until I arrived at work.

When I pulled into my usual parking spot, parked the car, and looked down at where my hand rested on the gear shift so I could put the car in park and grab my commuter coffee mug - I got a serious jolt. My bracelet was missing... rather.. the COLLAR my Owner put on my wrist.

I was almost instantly in tears as I shook my naked wrist, as if I could make the familiar silver weight, and symbol of my slavery and service to my Owner magically reappear! And then I began to panic as I tried to remember when I last saw it, last ran my fingers along it. What if it had been missing for more than a few minutes, a few hours.... what if it had been gone for DAYS and I hadn't noticed. Outside of just wanting to find it, I also was so concerned at having taken the feel of it for granted that I might have not NOTICED. I was devestated as I frantically tried to call Daddy to... tell Her... to ask for the reassurances She is so wonderful at giving. But Her phone wasn't near enough to Her to hear and so it went to voicemail.

I spent the day wistfully touching my wrist and wishing I could rush home and scour the house, so convinced I was by now that I must have lost it sometime in the last week. I was not wholly rational about the subject by this point and had guilt to boot.

She met me at work so we could ride home together and by then She had received at least one of my text messages letting Her know what was going on. I was fretting and She reminded me that the bracelet... collar... is just a symbol of Her Ownership of me and doesn't change the fact that I am owned. I know that... and yet the physical reminder is like an anchor, a touchstone for me to reach for when I need it. And I was having a hard time not being in a panic.

Syr insisted, then, that we go somewhere just the two of us for a quick dinner, rather than go straight home. She wanted to give me time to calm myself a bit.

We pulled into the sushi place we'd decided on and I parked the car. She wrapped Her hand tightly in my hair, pulled my head back and then pulled me against Her shoulder. She growled softly in my ear, "Who owns You, little girl?"

"You do, Syr", I whimpered my reply.

"Do you NEED the bracelet to feel owned?" She demands.

"YES" came my pouty little girl reply.

She let go of my hair, reached over my lap to a spot on the floor near my feet and picked up something sparkly...

My Collar!!!!!!

She hadn't noticed it until just at the moment I'd said yes to Her question and She chuckled and shook Her head as She figured out how it had come loose, fixed it, and put it back on my wrist.

She muttered that She had been trying to make a point, but that even She couldn't deny the irony of finding the bracelet jus that very moment. "I guess You DO need it" She laughed.

I cried with relief. I was so happy it was found.

And... I feel a lot better knowing that I had likely noticed it within minutes of it falling off. *big deep breath*.

But the truth.... no... I don't need to wear a physical collar to know that I am owned - body, mind, heart, and soul by my Wife, my Owner.. my Daddy. But, I find having a physical anchor of my submission to be a little blessing that I am grateful for.

Thank You, Daddy for finding it and understanding why it means so much!

Taken...

I often find myself replaying recent moments of intensity shared between my Owner and me.

For the past several days it has just been this recent memory:

My Owner hovers over me, Her left arm braced next to my right ear like a pillar of strength and fire, fingers curling into the mattress gathering more and more power as She drives Her cock into me so hard.... so fast. As She pushes me farther near the edge.... I'm begging, pleading for Her permission to cum, begging with all that I have and, not for the first time, I am afraid that my body will betray me, that I will cum unintentionally, unable to hold back before She says the word. I never do. Something in me is always able to hold on just that little bit longer, and She tells me to breathe.... tells me "not yet".

She knows I need, crave, hunger for Her permission. She owns that moment and we both know it. She growls, flames burning behind the darkness of Her eyes and She bares Her teeth, locking eyes with me as She simultaneously growls "Cum" and Her right arm is suddenly beneath my head as the pillar that is Her left arm draws even more energy, fucks me even harder - drives ever deeper and yet even as She unleashes so much force inside of me, Her right arm scoops me up, holds me closer to Her body - tenderly, almost gently.

And that is when I am lost, completely. I am submitting and surrendering to Her all over again with all the intensity that She has shared with me filling me up and overflowing via my tears as I sob.... and sob... against Her shoulder and She wraps me up in Her body and also.... keeps going. Again and again She does this, pulling and pushing and demanding more until, empty of tears, I am exhausted... and near delirious. Taken.

Grounded

It doesn't take much to find myself securely grounded in my service to my Owner. It isn't always flashy and it isn't always easily spotted from outside - but it is where my intentions lie and it is in the way I look at Her and the way I spend my free time and in the way that I touch Her.

It seems as if we have entered a new paradigm in our life together. There is a sweet simplicity to our dynamic now and yet for all that it seems to lack in 'formality', it is ripe with depth and connection.

Since my last update I still find myself being little more often than not. It isn't always the same depth of littleness. It ebbs and flows and sometimes feels really intense and sometimes is just a soft whisper in the back of my thoughts, but it seems to stick around.

I find that I am more pro-active in doing things around the house, or in making more involved meals, or in taking care of things I know need taking care of because even the little mundane activities of day to day living have started feeling at least a little bit like service.

I don't know entirely what has shifted, what caused it, or even if this is a permanent change. But, I do know that I like it, my Owner likes it..... and ultimately I am revelling in being a very very good girl.

Being little in a vanilla setting...

I was assigned to write about being little in a vanilla setting.

As I mentioned in my previous post, i've been little pretty consistently for the last several days. That's sort of new for me. Before it seemed I would find this blissful little space and then would need to 'put it aside' (or thought I did?) to function in the regular mundane world, dealing with teenagers and work and other humdrum day to day activities.

But over the last couple of days (two full work days with evenings alone with the teenagers as Syr has been working until 9pm), I have been pretty consistently little. And instead of the roller coaster of being little, then vanilla, then little, then vanilla, it's more like i've just been little all the time, and finding myself functioning from that space and having that be... good... and not at all disabling.

I think that some of the biggest triggers to this have been recognizing, admitting, and starting to work on some previously unnoticed control issues of mine. It started a process of consciously trusting and accepting what my Owner says to me. Seems like a no brainer, and I really do trust Her more than anyone else who has ever been a part of my life. But honestly, i have more trust issues than I realized. I would always surrender, unquestioningly to Her on more formal things, on matters related to our dynamic - but the day to day things I would find myself quietly questioning and wondering if I could 'do it better'. Recognizing this and then working on it has found me realizing how much of our dynamic is my responsibility.

That's something I've sure thought about and talked about it before - but apparently in a more indirect way. I logically know that it's not my Owner's job to fully maintain our dynamic... I have to offer up myself as well. But knowing it logically and implementing it consistently when you have a crap-load of baggage is a little harder.

But this neat thing happened... when I started trusting, listening, accepting what was said to me - and answering questions when asked simply and without defensiveness... I found myself reconnecting with my slave-self, that part of me that knows how to surrender, and finding it - even or even especially in vanilla settings.

I've found myself moving through my evening while my Owner is at work, and everything I do is with a mind to service. I'm amused at myself as it's usually clear how little I am by what and how I'm cooking...

Yesterday I made a pie, from scratch, with blackberries we'd picked over the weekend.

Today for dinner, I'm making a red wine braised beef to serve over herbed polenta, slow cooking, the kind that requires love and attention... the kind that has my whole heart in it.

I can put my whole heart into simpler meals, sure, and I often do. But when I am feeling confident in my slavery, I find myself wanting to do more elaborate things, and doing them with more confidence.

And within this, I find that it's not hard for me to maintain this space despite interruptions, chatting with people, working, etc. Instead it's like... integrating... finding out what it feels like to be able to be in a surrendered state of mind more consistently.

My own work and my Owner's reminders, assignments, tasks, and touches are helping keep me firmly planted here - and I like it.

Free Writing - 5 Minutes

My Owner assigned me two bits of writing tonight, the first of which is 5 minutes of free writing.... and GO

I have been little for like four or five days straight. Little is sort of the way I describe being in a soft, submissive, compliant, grounded, head space. I don't remember how exactly it started but there are some moments that really stand out.

I was feeling not *quite* little but I wanted that little 'push' over the edge. Sometimes, if I'm not paying attention that's when I'm most likely to succumb to a bit bratty behaviour. I was doing that a bit... and Syr stopped me in my tracks and asked me, point blank - "Does it make you feel good to behave that way?". And I just froze for a moment as my chin dropped. "No..."

My Owner replied, "Then why are you acting that way? What are you trying to get?"

I barely whispered... "a drop..."

"Apologize."

"i'm sorry, Syr."

"Go make my dinner, slave."

~*~*~*~

Yesterday, my task was to come home and write 25 times "I am owned. I am loved."

~*~*~*~

Last night, falling asleep snuggled up with my Owner feeling blissfully and contentedly little.

~*~*~*~

A quote from the Submissive Journal Prompts that went something like - 'A submissive has to be told what to do. A slave has to do what she's told' and knowing that I have been and am sometimes in both categories, but I am at my most fulfilled and happiest with myself when I am my highest self - as slave. That is what we've committed to be to each other: Owner and slave, and it is this that empowers me to work on being my highest self. When I am confident and unafraid enough to surrender completely to trust and love and to obey my Owner consistently, I find that it is a little like an ascension and I am a truer form of me. And being fully in my slave-highest-self also empowers me to be stronger and more confident in the world...

~*~*~*~

And today, still feeling little and owned, all I keep thinking of is how this feels... so sustainable.

I've been working on myself a lot over the last year and I am about to step deeper into that work, and a lot of it revolves around acceptance, peace, learning to trust, and just listening. I can't describe how many ways that translates into my relationship with my Owner and Daddy.