A check in and a bit of a self evaluation

It’s been way, way too long since I last did a devotional. So I’m going to do that next.

First I wanted to just write about how things have been going, or how – at least – I think they’ve been going and how I’m doing from a service perspective.

When it comes to day to day interactions, I’m feeling stronger and healthier in many ways than ever before.  I feel like in a more general way, I LISTEN way better than I ever used to. And I’m TRUSTING better… especially when it comes to taking things at face value.  And when I screw up and get called on it, I’m WAY slower to automatically defend myself and I tend to take corrections better and not freak out. It’s not to say I’m a perfect angel or anything, but I definitely feel like I’m better at hearing that I’ve screwed up without having to turn it into a huge drama.

There have also been some examples even in the last few days of moments when we disagree and I can see that annoys Her, but She also communicates either by saying “okay” or some other verbal that she’s letting it go. In the past, I couldn’t stop when that happened. As if I needed to convince Her to see it my way before I could move on. I have been trying really hard to knock that non-productive crap off and have been mostly succeeding. Sometimes I START and she reminds me that it needs to stop… and I do… and the day moves on without lingering weirdness.

In fact, this came up yesterday with a discussion about possibly moving the couch… It was the second time it had come up as an option and both times She’d brought it up as an idea and asked my feedback I’d offered resistance to the idea. The first time, She was clearly annoyed but she said okay there’s no point in discussing it then… or something. Instead of defending myself or trying to convince her of my reasoning, I just accepted that she was allowed to be annoyed but also noticed she let it go and so I did, too. Yay. Day moved on. Then yesterday it came up again…. And same thing (basically) happened. I STARTED to do the “but here’s all the reasons I’m right” thing and she reminded me that was non-productive… so I stopped. I just was triggered because I could see she was annoyed or whatever. Later on that afternoon, I brought it up and we were able to clarify with each other and it was very healthy stuff.. which I know wouldn’t have happened if I had turned it into an unnecessary battle earlier.

So I feel like there has been some noticeable progress, particularly in the realm of listening and moving on and not turning things into a drama. There were also a few setbacks in recent weeks but I feel like each time it was over quicker and quicker as I’m seeing her point of view earlier and earlier these days.

I still need to pay attention and work on … well, paying attention. In particular, I’m really trying to work harder at enjoying quality interactions with Syr and not letting myself get distracted all the time. It’s a bad habit and I know I miss out on quality when I do that.

For example, I noticed that when I am driving, Syr never plays on her phone. Now, partly that’s because She isn’t comfy doing that and driving. But on the other hand, I noticed that I really enjoy having Her undivided attention when I’m driving. BUT when She drives, I relax and can get distracted or sorta check out… more often than not. And I want to work on not doing that as much. Sometimes, when tired or burnt out, sure….. that makes a bit of sense and if Syr doesn’t seem to mind. But I also want Syr to get MY undivided attention while She’s driving too…. So that is something I’m trying to be more aware of.

I think that ever since she gave me the massage, I’ve been WAY more aware, in general, of when I get her undivided attention vs when she gets mine and realizing this is a weak point and trying to be more aware of it at all times, and not just at particular times and I think that’s really good for both of us.

I think that, possibly, another reason for my mentality shift, is that I am not home day to day to get so lost in the domestic service side of things. Quite the opposite, lately…. Syr is home all the time now (and that will likely be the case for a little while). So I generally have very few household chores/duties. And I suppose in a way that’s made me focus more on the non-tangible service things more than I was before.

This has led me to wonder if I have sometimes used the things I do domestically for service to give me ‘permission’ if you will to slack in other areas. Or maybe, I was just too busy patting myself on the back for the tangible things that I got lazy about the less tangible things. I’m not sure. But I do feel like I’m being way more mindful these days.

And you know… maybe it all just relates back to moving out of a very stressful time with the business and with finally having other things done and decisions made that were dangling. Either way, I’m trying to STAY mindful.