Combative Energy

My Owner gave me an assignment for today. I was to meditate, yoga, and meditate some more - and then write about a topic of Her choosing: Combative Energy.

Well it certainly makes sense that She would want me to mediate first.... to get into a more contemplative head-space before tackling a more intense topic.

Usually, when She assigns a topic like this, it's because She wants to see "stream of consciousness" style writing - without a lot of editing or second guessing. Making sure that I'm first in a receptive frame of mind probably opens the door to better or clearer thinking, which may allow for greater insights. Guess we'll see.

I think that, by combative energy, Syr is referring to a particular mindset I get at times - fairly regularly - whenever something is going on that has me feeling at least a little bit intense.

This mindset usually involves a way of communicating I take on that is really negative. It's not mean or necessarily rude, it's more that I tend to communicate entirely in "no's" if that makes sense. I don't actually say "no". I imply a negative frame of mind or a non-supportive or argumentative stance by throwing up objections, asking questions intended to put Her on the defensive.

When I say "intended", that is how the questions are worded. It isn't my conscious intention to put Her on the defensive, but that's exactly what happens.

Example:

Syr: "Do you want to go to the store?"
me: "What for? Why do we need to go to the store?"

A non-combative energy response might look like this instead:

Syr: "Do you want to go to the store?"
me: "I'm not really feeling up to going out. If we need something, though, I'm up for making a quick trip." (or something like that).

I don't know. To me that second one still sounds a little combative. I think that's because anytime the answer to a question is truthfully "no", I don't really know how to handle that. As in, I don't know how to say no without feeling intense about it. I think that's a big part of where the intensity comes in. Because I'm uncomfortable providing a no-type answer, I feel uncomfortable about anything I'm saying, so I try to avoid saying no by challenging the question, rather than just being honest. This seems to stem from an issue I have (in general) with being blunt with my opinion if I think the other person wants to hear something different.

Syr is incredibly reasonable. She rarely gets annoyed or frustrated if I don't want to do something She wants to do. She likes the things we do to be mutually agreed upon when it comes to day to day type things. Obviously, as my Owner, there are things She will ask me to do that I don't really get a say in, but even then if there is a legitimate reason why I need to delay or can't do what I'm asked, She will always listen and make the decision best for me in the long run.

So, why am I so uncomfortable just saying words like "no" - unless I am being over-the-top playful/obviously bratty etc? That's an interesting question.

It obviously stems from not ever feeling like I was allowed to as a young person (long family history stuff there). That's the logical conclusion.

So, what do I do about it? This comes down to a situation where I am once again throwing eggshells at my own feet. The reality is, if Syr were to say "Do you want to go to the store?" and I were to say (politely) "No." and not say another word, She'd probably inquire as to why. I don't think She'd be annoyed with me. Where annoyance (and combative energy) seems to come into play is when I say "No, I mean I've had a long day and you know work was tough, and I'm still sick and I'd really rather stay home and and and and..."

Because, then it puts Her on the defensive. If I simply say no, She would surely follow up to ask why or if I'm feeling okay or whatever afterward - right?  Funny, even writing this down I don't feel confident. LOL No is just hard for me. So I seem to say everything else BUT, and that comes across so much worse. Because as SOON as I do that, Syr will get frustrated and then I'll panic that I've done something wrong and get defensive and it all goes downhill from there.

She does blunt all the time with me and it works just fine. Sometimes I get a little huffy about it, but it is usually just a tiny little blip and we move on and either discuss it further or we drop it and do something else.

Combative energy doesn't only rear its ugly head when I want to say effectively "no" to something, though. That's just one example.

Other times/ways it comes out is if I am feeling angsty in general. Sometimes this is because I have a particular expectation about something - like I got myself fixated on a particular activity, or goal for the day/evening and something Syr has said has indicated that She's taking us in a different direction, so I'll get generally combative and (not entirely consciously) throw up objections or ask the objection-ish questions like in my examples above.....

I've written about this in the past because it's that whole letting go of control thing. If I've gotten an expectation about something, or become fixated on how my day is going to play out - I'll get combative when She takes over (hello! that's Her job!) and steers us in a different direction. It's rarely, if ever, because I don't like the direction She's taking us in - it's usually because it's Her steering now instead of me, and I don't shift gears very well.

Last night is a good example. I didn't realize it at the time, but I'd gotten fixated on how the evening was going to play out. I didn't realize HOW fixated until way later when I got some distance from my bout of combative behaviour. Syr was feeling very sleepy and was steering the evening in a different direction - which is Her right and privilege as my Owner.....  and I was struggling with shifting. I unintentionally made some remarks that showed that deep down I was trying to "get us back on track". She called me on it and I denied it. I really didn't think that's what I'd been doing! But after the subject was dropped and everything was going well, I realized I was grumpy in general because my evening wasn't going how I'd planned and that's when I realized She'd been right all along.

In the end, though, we ended up snuggling together in bed and watching a show that was interesting and funny. I really enjoyed the quiet time with Her. Letting Her steer the remainder of the evening didn't hurt. It was pretty pleasurable. I just had to let go of that need to control.

It's so difficult to explain how all the things that Syr does to try to boost my confidence and make me a stronger person are so effective BECAUSE I am able to give up control. When I am grappling for control - that part of me that wants me to grapple that is - I am at my unhealthiest. When I release and let go, surrender and submit, I transform into the me I want to be. I become confident in healthy ways in the areas of my life where I want to be confident and self-possessed.  I am more self-aware and feel healthy and handle my emotions much better. When I grasp for control (whether I get it or not), I am not in a good place. Combative energy - that type of behaviour is a warning sign that I'm behaving in an unhealthy way.... because all the combative energy comes from a sudden 'urge' to be in control. And those urges don't spring from a healthy place in me. They come from a long history of abuse that I am working very hard to overcome.

And so, I've learned some things - as is usually the case when Syr gives me something to write (and think) about. :)

Thank You, Syr!

Charmed

The Guesthouse

 

This being human is a guesthouse
Every morning a new arrival
A joy, a depression, a meanness
Some momentary awareness
Comes as an unexpected visitor

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows
Who violently sweep your house
Empty of its furniture
Still treat each guest honorably
He may be cleaning you out
For some new delight!

The dark thought, the shame, the malice
Meet them at the door laughing
And invite them in
Be grateful for whoever comes
Because each has been sent
As a guide from the beyond

by Rumi

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

I feel as though I have been adrift in a sea of uncontrollable circumstances, lately. I have met worry and sadness, disappointment and hurt, and faced a variety of tumultuous events one after the other in the last few weeks.

 

Through it all, I have remained anchored in the simple sweetness and security of my place in my Owner's life and at Her feet.

 

During the most troubling times, I have found solace in the feel of a stinging slap, the carpet imprints on my knees, the textured fabric of Her collar around my neck, and the weight of the cuff and chain at my ankle when I sleep.

 

I have faced heartbreak and fears of abandonment by loved ones who do not have space in their lives for me, but also the comfort and joy of a strong family at home. Our little family - so secure and loving, trustworthy and communicative - is my home base, and my anchor.

 

There have not been only unpleasant things of late. There has also been love - so much of it, and connection, unity and celebration for all that we have - which is all that we need. Whatever losses, dissapointments, and hurts I have experienced are small when compared to this Big Love that I am so blessed with.

 

I dedicate this post to the purity and power of love, devotion, faith, honour, and the One in my life - my beloved Owner - whose presence reminds me every day that I lead a charmed life, indeed.

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

Two Forms, One Soul

Happy is the moment, when we sit together,
With two forms, two faces, yet one soul,
you and I.

The flowers will bloom forever,
The birds will sing their eternal song,
The moment we enter the garden,
you and I.

The stars of heaven will come out to watch us,
And we will show them
the light of a full moon –
you and I.

No more thought of "you" and "I."
Just the bliss of union –
Joyous, alive, free of care, you and I.

All the bright-winged birds of heaven
Will swoop down to drink of our sweet water –
The tears of our laughter, you and I.

What a miracle of fate, us sitting here.
Even at the opposite ends of the earth
We would still be together, you and I.

We have one form in this world,
another in the next.

To us belongs an eternal heaven,
the endless delight of you and I.

by Rumi

 

 

 

Re-balancing

Life has been... nuts ... lately.

 

I haven't gone anywhere.

 

My Owner and I are still doing good... great even. Some new things have fallen into place lately. Syr has a day job again (after a three year hunt!) and it's an AMAZING job... so perfect for Her in every way.

 

Her other job was starting to just zap all of Her energy, and time.... and we were certainly falling into a bit of a rut. There were other circumstances too - some dental stuff Syr was dealing with, and stresses I've been dealing with as well at work and healing stuff from my past.

 

It's all coming together and things are feeling like they're headed in a super healthy and amazing direction.

 

I'm looking forward to going away with Syr in a couple weeks. We're spending a few nights away at a resort to unwind and recharge - and reconnect. Three nights of privacy.... and not a lot planned.... there's some potential for interesting things to post about later, I'd say.

Rode hard, put away wet

"Rode hard, put away wet" - I really love that saying. It just sounds dirty in all the wonderful, wonderful ways that something can.

This is exactly what I feel like this weekend, too. And it was completely unexpected!

Both my Owner and I have been a not-so-fun combination of sick and hormonal for what feels like several weeks! We weren't completely over all our stuff but we were certainly on the mend. But, rest assured, I had NO expectations for some hot, sweaty sex anytime soon....

And then Saturday happened.

Oh, Saturday....

We had this unexpected stretch of complete and total privacy at home. Not the kind of privacy that you don't know how long it's going to last but some pretty solid privacy. Still, I didn't think we were (either of us) in the mood for anything naughty.

I had no intentions of enticing or seducing my Owner (honest! no... seriously! I wasn't even in the mood), but there was something kind of fun about knowing I could safely be naked just for the heck of it. Syr and I were planning to head off to run a couple of errands and I was just hanging out upstairs, buck naked, when Syr came up to get changed.

There was no immediate pouncing but there was a wee bit of snuggling while She just enjoyed me being naked. There may have been a wee bit of bratting, and perhaps a challenge, which then turned into a playful spanking...

Which then turned into a far more serious spanking. My Owner's bare hands on my bare bottom is my absolute favourite kind of spanking. No worries about the sounds of the stinging slaps so we both got quite involved in it. Before long, She was balling up Her hands into fists and punching the fleshy parts of my ass which just ... really gets me going. It creates this deep, thuddy sensation which wakes EVERYTHING up...

So THEN... i was in the mood. And, apparently, so was She.

Before I knew what was happening, my Owner had slipped on Her cock, and some lube, and Her finger was sliding into my ass.

This is still a relatively new area of exploration for us, but one thing is certain. Ass play of any kind makes me feel insanely vulnerable and ridiculously little... and that is an effect that my Owner absolutely... positively LOVES. She enjoyed every whimper She could pull out of me with Her finger moving inside me in this way. I was trembling with vulnerability and the intensity of what I was feeling. It was luscious and frightening in all the best ways.

Still, I was almost grateful when She replaced Her finger with the plug, seating it firmly in my ass. But then, She pulled me up onto my knees, and drove Her cock into me from behind.

And I felt so full and taken, every sensation was magnified ten fold. And the best part, was there was no one else home. I didn't have to keep too quiet. I am naturally noisy, so being able to really let loose vocally just made everything seem even more intense. She fucked me like this, the plug deep in my ass, while I was on all fours... and then She flipped me on my back and fucked me from the angle that allows Her to climax as well.

She used me, hard, and I felt so taken and owned and it was all so overwhelmingly delicious!

We managed to still get out for our errands, but it was less than eight hours later, when She went for round two! A repeat of earlier that afternoon, though ultimately much gentler, since I was sore and tender. And afterward, all I remember, was falling into the deepest oblivion of sleep.

Oh yes.... I was definitely rode hard.... and put away wet. And it was... FANTASTIC!

Out of control

You know, the hardest moments to stay grounded in the reality that I am owned and not in control, are the moments that I most desperately want to "feel" (note: not actually "be") in control.

 

Several times a year, at approximately the same time, I become very.... volatile. This seems to happen around the major holidays - Thanksgiving, Christmas.... and my birthday. Since the latter is just around the corner, and I happen to also be extremely hormonal, AND recently emotionally triggered, you can just imagine that I am a whole lotta fun right now. Oh my poor Owner.

 

See, when I feel out of sorts or out of control of my own mind and/or emotions - I seem to grasp for control anywhere I (think I) can get it. This means that I don't want to agree with anyone, for any reason - most especially the One who has all the Control... because I want to be the one in control (except I don't really). Is this confusing to you? Yeah, it's confusing to me too.

 

So far, I have succeeded in not picking a fight, which is pretty impressive since what I really want to do is let all those whirling emotions out somehow and picking a fight has tended to be the salve of choice to my wounded psyche in times like these. It's not a healthy outlet for either of us and I certainly don't do it intentionally but it makes a twisted sort of sense that when I'm fighting against feelings around not being in control that the One in Control would be the target of all that emotion.... so it was a status quo sorta thing that used to happen. And, to my Owner's credit, She has always had the insight and patience to recognize where this behaviour was coming from - and was able to help me come to grips with it after (and sometimes during) these episodes - which I suppose is a large part why it's easier for me to recognize and be aware of it now.

 

And so, as I mentioned, I've managed to avoid doing that, mostly by being self-aware enough to recognize my headspace and smart enough to shut up when things seem to start heading in the wrong direction.

 

What I haven't learned how to do, though, is to completely avoid being snippy and combative. Sometimes, this has seemed to amuse Her, and sometimes, annoy Her, but my ability to back off and check myself - even while avoiding backing *down* entirely, has helped to avert disaster. But it leaves me feeling ungrounded and unsettled.

 

What I feel like I want and need is someone to fight with - and lash out at, but not be hurt, so I can let out all the random emotion that's flying around inside of me. I think I feel so safe with Syr, that I tend to want that to be Her. Enter an intense craving for a take-down - a hard ass scene where I fight with everything I have and She overpowers me (physically or psychologically), and puts me in my place, and yanks the tears out of me.

 

The interesting thing is, that as much as I crave it, I also fear it.

So where does that leave me?

The little things...

I find myself noticing, and appreciating small moments between my Owner and I that are interspersed throughout our day. Amid the chaos of running our household and dashing here and there on errands or upkeep of the yard or finances, there are constant reminders of our dynamic, of the interplay of energy between us. In these moments, I often marvel at how something that might seem so innocuous to an outsider, but have enormous significance between us. Like... ~ when we're out shopping and I get a little too bratty or sassy, and She puts Her hand on the back of my neck and gives it a firm, but authoritative squeeze, reminding me of my place. It usually settles me down relatively quickly, and it certainly is powerful. ~ when we're in the car, and She wraps Her hand in the back of my hair and gives it a firm pull, just because. When She does this, it grounds me, settles my energy, and roots me to the earth - and to Her. ~ the way She tucks me into bed at night, not only the obvious moment when She fastens my sleeping collar on my neck, but the caring way she plants light kisses on my forehead right before lights go out. ~ how I always check in with Her after every decision that I have had to make that I normally would have gotten Her approval on - but couldn't for a number of circumstances. This always feels like a bit of a confessional, not of wrong-doing but of admitting that I had to make some decisions and wanted Her approval on what I've done. It's not the telling that is so powerful to me, it is my awareness that I am prepared to hear that I have behaved inappropriately - if that's the case. ~ the eager way that I get excited to share my accomplishments with Her in a "Look what i did, Daddy!" manner. She's always so genuinely proud of me when I do something that She knows is difficult for me, or when I've met a milestone or goal. This genuine pleasure in my success is what makes me feel so eager to please Her in this way. She encourages me, always, to be the strongest, best, me I can be. ~ the way She keeps an eye on me, protectively. She never stifles me in any way, but She is always aware of me and where I am - whether we're in a mall or getting ready to cross the street. To some, this might seem condescending, but I know that She is perfectly aware that I'm capable - and so Her attentiveness makes me feel safe and valued... treasured. Whether She's pointing out an obstacle on the road when I'm driving, placing Her hand in the small of my back when we're in a crowded place (aware of my claustrophobia in crowds), or automatically taking my hand when we cross the street. There are a thousand moments like these peppered throughout the time we spend together. Even when time-shortages or other circumstances prevent us from having as much 'hardcore' D/s time as we might wish, there is never a loss of connection between us, never a moment when I don't feel safe, owned, and loved. When I stop and think about it, these moments are the real 'cement' of our dynamic - and not the times when I am in my formal collar and leash, kneeling at Her feet (no matter how lovely those moments are).

Sleepy Sunday with my Owner

Well.... Sunday was a sleepy, zoney, day. It was warm outside - beautiful actually. Syr had to work from 9:30am to 2:30pm so we were up relatively early (all things considered), and I took Her to work.

 

Once She was at work, I puttered at home a bit, played on my computer, and spent a couple of hours feeling very naughty watching dirty things online... which... made me feel very... VERY naughty. ;)

 

When I picked Her up, the naughty was all over my face so She guessed what I'd been up to VERY quickly (that always amazes me!) but She had a pulled muscle in Her shoulder so I knew She was out of commission (pout).

 

Still, I gave her a long back massage and then we both fell asleep for a nap. It was wone of those warm afternoons that just makes one want to snuggle and rest.

 

After our nap, though, Syr took me to the bathroom and showered me head to toe. I hadn't washed my hair since Thursday morning because I was trying to keep my tattoos fairly dry (they were getting gently washed and salved up about 2x a day to keep them clean but didn't want them too wet) and my Owner always says it's good to let one's hair get good and oily once in a while. The shower was wonderful. It's one of my very very favourite things to do with Her. The way She washes and conditions my hair and washes me all over makes me feel like such a spoiled little slavegirl - I can hardly express how submissive it makes me feel... in that treasured kind of way *happy sigh*.

 

After showertime, we went downstairs to cook up some quick dinner (and Syr did some needed gardening work). We had dinner and then for Sunday adventure went to Dairy Queen for treats.

 

Once back home, we puttered a bit more, and then headed to bed. I knew my Owner was hurting in Her shoulder so knew I wasn't getting any, but She'd said maybe I could put on a show for Her - so I'd planned to do that, but then we were all kissing and I was all wiggly and stuff and She put my hand to Her jeans and I discovered She was packing!!! So that was a squee-moment and we ended up having an AMAZINGLY hot romp, in spite of Her shoulder, and I slept soundly (as a very contented and satiated slave should!)

 

It was a luxurious and indulgent kind of Sunday. *purrr*

Pain, and feeling so grateful

My Owner gifted me with three new tattoos this week. They were personally significant to me for a number of reasons. And while the money that paid for them may have largely come from my paycheck, and while they are not marks of slavery or submission to Her, and while they have nothing to do with Her - they still feel like gifts from Her.

It's so confusing to try to explain this, but the energy of our dynamic runs deep and isn't based on the superficial. It doesn't matter who made the money - it still feels like She is in charge of it, in spite of (or maybe because of) the fact that She never abuses the power that She wields in our dynamic and in our marriage.

Today, looking at the new marks on my body - that I love so dearly, I feel grateful... for these new gifts.... and grateful for the gift of submission that transcends assumption, stereotype, and expectation to reach a place of sweet authenticity.

I'm exactly who my Owner wants

More and more every day, I realize that I am exactly the girl my Owner wants.

It's interesting, to look at my life in this lifestyle... to look at me, in my role as a slave, a submissive, a little girl as compared to every fantasy I ever had and what those roles "looked" like to me in my head - or even from whatever I could see from within the kinky community.

The more and more authentic our D/s is, the less it looks like pop culture, like the stereotype and the more it looks like, well, us.  

It used to really bother me, like REALLY bother me, that other BDSM-ish couples might perceive me as being disobedient, bratty, out of control, and that they might look at my Owner as if She is a poor Dominant for 'letting me get away with it'. In fact, it used to give me incredible anxiety. 

But the thing is, when She wants me to behave... She puts that expectation out there, and i behave. When She wants to ALLOW me to be bratty or playful - She does. If She wants to indulge me... She does. If She wants to put me in my place... She does.

The point is that it's always up to Her what behaviour She will encourage or discourage at any given time. And I really don't care, any more, how others perceive us - because She doesn't. She isn't worried about anyone else's approval for our D/s and neither am I. 

The only one I need to please is Her. And I do. 

And that's what matters.

3 Sentences

Have I mentioned, here, that my Owner has taken over the finances in the household? I still do the administrative/management type stuff which happens to be something I do well at and enjoy the service side of - but She makes all the spending decisions. I am amazed at how good this feels and how relaxed I am about money (by comparison) as a result -- grateful.

3 Sentences

Today began with a terrible nightmare that my Owner was through with BDSM with me and was going to join up with a local club to pick out my replacement from among the current older member's adult daughters - sooooo I woke up crying. :( Syr was very reassuring (and sympathetic) and took me to breakfast at our favourite greasy spoon, which was an especially nice treat as we hadn't been in a while. We ended up having some really good "us" time which felt good and the dream was only that.

3 Sentences

I'm having a bit of a rough day. In general, the day has been okay but I tweaked my lower back bowling yesterday and it made me a bit cranky - especially so in the grocery store with Daddy earlier this evening. Thankfully, She reigned me in very quickly and all ended well.

3 Sentences

Today was not the best day ever in some regards (was very sick last night, and so a little under the weather today - and my Owner and I got in an argument that, while short, sucked) but was good in others. The good parts were getting some alone time with my Owner to go shopping and get a coffee - and the way we are able to work things out when we do argue. Knowing that She loves me, no matter what, is really wonderful - particularly on days that aren't perfect from sun up to sun down.

Private time with my Owner

Today was positively blissful. We were blessed with some unexpected alone time for almost the entire day. We don't often get opportunities like this, particularly when both of us are home and Syr doesn't have to work a weird work shift right in the middle of the day. In fact, Her shift was early this morning so She was done working by around 1pm.

When we got home, I got to work colouring eggs. I had a blast! I had some hollowed out eggs and some hard boiled eggs and made them all prettiful. It was a great deal of fun.

And then we had the house to ourselves by 3pm (ish)

To say we made the most of our time together would be a wild understatement.

First things first - my Owner took me upstairs and promptly gave me a long, luxurious, and intense spanking and paddling. She started with a cane, lightly, and then warmed me up a bit with Her hands... and then moved on to the big paddle. I always seem to lose all sense of time but it felt long and I had the freedom to be noisy - which is a rare treat. She turned the paddle sideways using it for a heavy, thuddy sensation that has left me feeling wonderfully bruised. It was fantastic. It has been a long while since my last Good Girl spanking and I was in heaven. She counted me down to orgasm several times during - and afterward pulled me into Her arms and we fell asleep in the filtered sunlight for about an hour.

After our nap, we went out to dinner at our favourite Pho place, and then back home. Within an hour of getting back home, Syr took me upstairs and fucked me absolutely silly. We had a nice shower together and then went out for dessert and coffee...

Do days get any better than this?

3 Sentences

I had a pretty good day today, even got some time in the sunshine. After work, Daddy and I went to a plant store and picked up some carnivorous plants (a venus flytrap & a butterwort) as well as some other garden goodies (strawberry plants!) and She even bought me a pretty windchime to hang over the little pond next to our patio. Now I'm just snuggling with a blanket while Daddy just has some "Daddy time".

3 Sentences

Being a good girl - is definitely all it's cracked up to be. There's something special about that type of smile Daddy gets when I'm being genuinely good and pleasing Her. It makes me feel like I am showing Her a little bit of the gift She gives me by treating me so well.... <3

3 Sentences

Had a miscommunication with my Owner tonight that could have turned into a fight but didn't. It just goes to show that staying calm and explaining one's self respectfully goes a long way. Going to bed, peaceful.

3 Sentences

My Owner took me upstairs, after work, and fucked me silly. There's something extra naughty and exciting about "daylight" sex, at different times of the day than one usually associates with a romp in the bedroom... ya know? Needless to say, in a relatively short (read: intense) bit of time, She managed to transform a stressful workday into a positively BLISSFUL evening... *happy sigh*

3 Sentences

Today was actually a pretty good day. I got a lot done at work in spite of a completely insane workload right now and Syr met me at work afterward and we got some shopping done. We made some changes to some of the ways we handle money which puts Syr in charge of a lot more of our spending decisions in a more official way and I'm really LOVING how that feels.

3 Sentences

Today, Daddy took me to the store and bought me TEN new Webkinz and TWO new Mazin' Hamsters (part of the Webkinz family) because there was a gigantic sale. Before that, I had been feeling grumpy and unsettled and was trying to figure out how to get my head on straight. These two facts are technically unrelated because Daddy didn't take me to the store because of the mood I was in - however, the end result was that being taken out for such a special treat helped me remember all the wonderful things about my life.