Punishment

Saturday evening, Syr and I were at a friend's house, just relaxing and getting caught up with one another.

My friend had recently had a nice visit with her Daddy and I was eager to hear all about it. In relaying some of her experiences to me, she shared a story that involved a punishment she'd received as a result of bad behaviour and the way it made her feel so loved and safe - and I started to cry of all things. Now, mind you, I was a bit hormonal at the time so the tears were probably unnecessary, but I was actually moved.

As I'm sure those of you who read my blog know, I do a lot of self-work. I do a lot of hard self-analyzing and processing to better myself, primarily for myself - through my submission to my Owner. The work is the necessary road for me regardless of what kind of a relationship I find myself in, but the relationship I share with my Owner, Daddy... Wife.... is the vehicle I choose to travel in and it is the one that affords me the safety, security, and tools that make the trip a bit easier to manage.

But, in the end, I am often hardest on myself. When I do something that I feel is wrong on a fundamental level, not just when considering the power-exchange dynamic of my relationship, I am often plagued by guilt and self-doubt for (often) days after the 'thing' that happened. And what my friend was relaying was how her Daddy had employed a two part method for dealing with a similar situation. She was out of line, and he did something to catch her attention in a major way DURING the episode, and let her know that they would be dealing with it later. And later, after tempers had cooled, and clear-headedness prevailed a punishment was delivered - with an accompanying caveat: after the punishment was done, so was whatever had happened. It had been dealt with and it was time to move on. At that point, there is a clean slate.

I know that what moved me was the way that I know that this adds a completion to whatever happens. And I felt a desperate longing for something similar. I know that comparing isn't always the best thing - and ultimately I also know that by sharing my thoughts and emotions about this with my Owner that She is not obligated to do anything about it, nor will She feel that i am topping from the bottom - even if I outright ask for it. So I feel safe in processing and talking about the way it affected me. So - back to the desperate longing.... that was where the tears came from.

My Owner and I are learning how to live our dynamic day by day, moment by moment. I had the 'lifestyle' experience of the two of us, but when it comes to full time, 24/7, and fitting it in with parenting and work and the mundane realities of a life together that is about more than sex and a good flogging once a week - we both came into it as newbies.

We've both gotten really good at dealing with conflicts and finding ways to work on some of my negative communication and conflict patterns... and have made genuine progress. But one thing sort of seemed to be an ah ha moment for both of us and that is that we have built a lot of tools into the actual 'conflict' itself to make that easier and we do a good job of processing it after the fact, determining the root causes of that particular conflict, and making sure there is a lesson learned and something to think about for next time. But then I seem to be left with lingering feelings of... well.. badness... afterward. The idea of having a punishment delivered, with the intention of sort of putting the 'bow' on the wrapped package, seems to feel like something that would afford closure to each event and be both simultaneously cathartic and reassuring. I wouldn't want something like that if it was from a negative "i'm a bad person and deserve a punishment" place, but what I realized is that a punishment is sort of my opportunity to have a symbolic method of truly letting it go, knowing it hasn't caused damage to our marriage and relationship and forgiving myself as well as really accepting that I've been forgiven. There's a lot of appeal in that.

I also know that my Owner takes punishment seriously. She doesn't punish me with something I enjoy. If I receive spanking or any other form of corporal punishment, it is done in a way that the emotional impact is clearly punitive and not something I find pleasurable. When She mentioned Saturday night the idea of having some sort of easy to unroll mat or thin camping mattress that She could pull out to have me sleep on the floor, I know that it was a candidate for just such a punishment. I can think of a few other things She would tend to gravitate towards as well, none of them pleasant. So that part is a little bit scary but I also think would be really good for me.

Syr mentioned that She thinks She should do more little things to assert Her ownership throughout, otherwise mundane or busy day to day type activities - nothing overt, but little reminders. She's done a bit more of that even for the last four or five days and the result seems to be that I am more relaxed, behaving in a more trusting way, and pretty much just staying really ... really.... little.

I like it.

Obedience

My Owner and I have had lots of intense conversation lately.

I'm calling it conversation because saying we've had several *arguments* doesn't sound as pretty. ;)

Okay so it wasn't pretty. I have issues and lots of them, and I know it. I've made tremendous leaps and bounds of improvement, but sometimes those issues still get the better of me.

It looks a little something like this:
Syr says something Her slave doesn't like.
slave behaves badly/acts out
Syr gets angry/frustrated
slave rewinds events in her head and realizes she was behaving REALLY badly.
slave learns valuable lesson(s)

The three steps to pleasing my Owner have become a sort of running guideline for my goals and work on my slavery and obedience. They come to mind often, and are often used as a benchmark when discussing things that 'go wrong'. Usually if something unpleasant occurs between us it's because I either didn't shut up, didn't listen, and/or didn't do what I was told.

It's interesting how something so basic can be applied to virtually every unpleasant moment!

After the last one, though, one thing became crystal clear. I've not been doing much of any of those three things lately.

Yesterday, I began making a very conscious effort to be almost hyper aware whenever my Owner asks anything of me. Whether or not She is polite or words her request as - a request - I've consciously just gotten up and done it without question, simply trusting. She asked me last night to write about how I feel about that.

It's interesting because two emotions are obvious right away when I just simply and quietly obey: pride in my service and surprise at how easy it is.

It's amazing how much easier things feel and how much smoother the machine of our family operates when I obey. And it feels good.

One of the things I need to continue to work on is trust. I trust my Owner more than I've trusted anyone I've ever known or met. And yet sometimes I still struggle. Most of the time when I've failed to shut up, listen, or obey - it can be traced back to a trust issue. And so that is at the root of my work.

Each time I simply do what I'm told - and experience something positive as a result, even if it's just a smile on my Owner's face or the feeling of having accomplished something, it reinforces the trust that obedience truly is what's best for both of us.... that the world isn't going to come to a screeching halt.

That's a really good thing for both of us.