3 Sentences

In spite of a busy day, found an opportunity - though small - for a wee bit of service, this morning. I made my Owner Her tea and delivered it to Her on my knees. Lovely way to begin the day...

3 Sentences

This morning, I woke up thinking about a simple service for Syr a day or two ago... bathing my Owner. It was so exotic to wash and shave Her. It felt simple and lovely and immersive.

Diving deep into service

A lot has changed in my day to day life.

To begin with, I no longer have a standard 9-5 type job.  I'm actually still pretty busy with my own business, however not being gone for the standard 9-5 has opened up a world of possibilities when it comes to my service and how I feel as a slave.

It's only the second week of this new life and I'm looking around and very proud of the levels of service I've been able to provide. Pets are cared for. The bird has a clean cage and lots of social time. The dog is getting her meals and playtime.  And the house is clean. I'm getting into a daily routine of kitchen, laundry, bathroom, floors, dusting, the whole nine yards. And I'm loving it.

What's so amazing about that is that it seems like it wasn't that long ago when domestic service was a hard limit. But it's different, now, and the relationship and lifestyle is totally different. Serving my Owner is a true pleasure. I feel so good knowing that She is coming home from work to a clean house where all those pesky little chores are done. I love that I can pack Her lunch and make Her tea in the morning and set Her up to have the best day possible... all while pursuing my own personal business goals and dreams, too.

It's pretty amazing stuff. 

I'm just feeling so super grateful.

Mindfulness

When I can remember my place, and how grateful I am to my Owner for all that She does for me on a regular and ongoing basis, service come easily - and naturally - and from a truly authentic place.

Lately, those little things have really been adding up. I've been keeping up on my chores, even the little ones that used to be so easy to forget. I've been able to anticipate Her needs much better than I ever have before, and I feel more grounded and rooted in my submission and She seems much more confident in Her Dominance.

Talk about a win-win!

Service

The other day, my Owner advised me I would be giving Her a foot rub. It wasn't anything particularly out of the ordinary. Rather, it was a fairly mundane request. Syr is on Her feet a lot for Her work and has recently discovered (after years of not being fond of having Her feet touched) that She quite enjoys a gentle foot rub.

Syr was relaxing on the bed, reading a book, and I knelt on the bed and asked if She would put on my sleeping collar before I began. She agreed and snapped it around my neck before relaxing back with Her book.

A strange thing happened when I began working on Her feet. It was quiet in the bedroom, and Syr was quiet, too - as She read. I felt like I was part of the room... a possession, treasured - but owned. I just melted into it, surrendering, and it was so meditative - so soft.

I wasn't anxious and waiting to be acknowledged or spoken to. There was this quiet acceptance on both Syr and my parts. This was just a part of the day, and that was what made it hot and powerful... in all its subtlety. Every once in a while, my Owner would glance over the top of Her book and grin at me in this very cocky way that would give me tingles.

And I realized, in that moment, that this was service, in the truest sense of the word.

Sleeping soundly

I've been sleeping very soundly, recently.  I credit a number of things for the renewed sense of security and restfulness that I wake up with each morning.

Among these is my deeper sense of submission and obedience that has been unwavering since my epiphany a few weeks ago.  Trust, faith, and service come easily or at least easier these days, and it is as if I am more in touch with myself.  I am more self-aware and more able to curb negative behaviour patterns before they even start.  Moments that, pre-epiphany, would have certainly led to a great deal of tension or even an argument instead seem to more often morph into conversation, most of the time shortly after I have voluntarily sat or kneeled down on the floor in front of my Owner to continue the discussion.

And along with this new sense of ease with my submission, there is an increased self-confidence and pride in my ability to overcome the negative habits of my past - which then makes it even easier to continue along this path.

And then there are rituals that have been very, very good for both of us.

There are the chores that I have written about, previously, that are becoming almost automatic. They are nearly habitual - though I still have to make a conscious effort to remember each day, the remembering is easy.  Coming home from work, my chores are nearly always the very first thing I do. And as I complete each task I am reminded of my role in the household and to my Owner, and garner a deep sense of satisfaction from knowing I am being a very good girl - and without prompting or reminding from Syr.  I have also noticed that my chores act as a segue between my work day and my at-home evening.  The 15-30 minutes of quiet activity give me time to clear my head and shake free lingering stresses from my work day and slip into the softer energy and role I have in our home.

Of course, I have already written about the introduction of more serious forms of punishment into our dynamic.  Syr has been unfailing in Her follow-through in this area and I am eternally grateful for the solidity that this has granted.  I have found myself even more surprised, in an amused sort of way, at my compulsion to confess infractions - even knowing what awaits me as punishment.  She has not held back from delivering on promised punishments even when mundane/vanilla life circumnstances could have distracted Her. The other night, for example, I had confessed to the breaking of a rule and knew I had a punishment coming. I fell asleep that evening on the couch while She played on the computer and when She took me upstairs to bed, a part of me was convinced She had forgotten, but She hadn't and She followed through in spite of the lateness of the hour and how sleepy we both were. I am grateful for the consistency because it is working.  A rule I used to struggle on a near hourly basis not to break, I am suddenly only breaking a few times a week, sometimes less. It's a big success because it has been a very long-standing bad (mostly subconscious) habit.  And I know that these punishments will eventually extend to other broken rules or infractions as well and I find that I am still so grateful for that and so glad for the boundaries it has created.

And then there is bedtime...

Syr recently began putting me in a simple collar every night for sleeping. The collar was bought, intended to be a "sleeping collar", and has been a wonderful anchor point in our day.  At bedtime, I kneel by the bed, and other than my position it is not an overly formal moment.  It is just that it is intimate and real and potent for me to remember my place each evening before I go to sleep.  The click of the collar snapping shut never ceases to jolt me sharply with the reminder that I am owned, always.

And even more recently, Syr had the idea to begin chaining me into bed each evening. I embraced this idea with a great deal of enthusiasm. I was so sure I would love it - and I did.  Syr very subtly attached the chain leash to a steel post in the base of the bed in such a way that the chain is very easily hidden and can stay set up at all times. On the clip end of the chain is a single ankle cuff.  Each night after my collar is put in place and I have been given permission (whether verbal or nonverbal) to climb into bed, Syr attaches the ankle cuff and I feel the coolness of the chain and the security of my restriction.  And I sleep..... like a baby.

To avoid disturbing Syr in the morning, I remove the cuff myself when I wake in the morning, and if She is sleeping soundly, I will remove the sleeping collar myself too, though most mornings - She does that, even if groggy.  This doesn't take away from the meaning of the two things as I have not once sought to remove either item before the appropriate time and I am being held willfully after all. The collar and cuff are something I look forward to every night.

These rituals have their part to play but I know that it is a combination of all these things that have led to this increased sense of peace and security in myself and in my relationship with my Owner.  It's always been there, it's just that I'm more in touch with it now.

I'm so in love.

Service

"What is service? What would be ideal?"

It looks like a simple assignment, doesn't it? Just 7 little words. But every time I thought about starting to write about it, I'd feel overwhelmed.

I've tried looking things up online, reading topics at Fetlife, and even google image searching - just for somewhere to start.

I once flew out of state to visit a Domme whom I respected a great deal. She ran a more formal D/s home. As a guest there, I was given an incredible opportunity to experience full time service-oriented submission. I was young, and while part of me thrilled at the possibility of pleasing someone whom I respected and longed to impress, I found it a lot more challenging than I thought it would be.

Much of my BDSM experience, at that time, was online or with less experienced Dominants who were more about the 'scene' than a full time service submissive. And so, experiencing what it was like to be so immersed in service was a bit of a rude awakening. It was the first 'vacation' I'd taken as an adult, alone, and I was spending it scrubbing and dusting and cleaning, and answering to an Alpha sub in the household.

I remember precisely the moment that I 'broke'. I had been told to focus on one room for the day. And I focused. I rubbed and dusted and washed every surface I could find with uncanny detail. I found the work itself meditative and pleasurable in the way that it allowed me to fully surrender to my feelings of submissiveness and with the goal of pleasing the Lady I was there to serve. The Alpha submissive in the household was working in other rooms. At the end of each day, we were to stop working at a specific time. And when that time came, I went to go take a shower to get ready for the evening. When I came out of the shower, I found the Alpha sub walking through the room I'd cleaned, literally wearing a white glove, inspecting my work.

I remember the way that felt, as the Lady whom I was there to serve sat on the couch, perusing a magazine. I remember feeling utterly panicked. I was terrified that I hadn't done well enough. And when I saw the Alpha approach a table that I suddenly realized I hadn't dusted at all - I knew I hadn't done well enough. I was almost instantly angry. Furious, even.

I fell apart then. I had a full blown tantrum of sorts. I felt like I was serving the Alpha and not the Lady. I felt like whatever I did, it wouldn't be good enough. I felt picked on. I felt resentful.

I think I lost my temper, perhaps got in a fight with the Alpha. It was a long time ago, and I don't remember all the details, but I am sure of one thing: I was wholly unprepared for the reality of service - and was still young and selfish and was just terribly disappointed that there was no glamorous reward at the end of a long hard day of work. I received attention, of a sort, and was treated with respect. But at that point in my life, all my BDSM included play. I was really a selfish brat, really. I was given free lodging, taken care of - thoroughly treated well. But I was so upset/triggered by the service aspect of my time there, that I am certain I ended up really disrespecting my Hostess and Her household.

One conversation I had with the Lady near the end of the week, and following my third emotional breakdown of sorts, was that maybe I wasn't cut out to be a slave, or even a submissive. She explained to me, that it was ok. That maybe I was more geared to being a 'bottom'. I remember how that stung, because that wasn't what my heart really yearned for. But I also didn't know how to reconcile my selfish and panicky reactions with wanting to be a full time submissive or slave. How could I be one without the desire to provide service?

Since then, I have grown up a great deal. Though one thing has remained constant - my insecurity about my ability to offer 'service'.

My experience with my first Master reinforced this. As His collared slave, I wanted so very much to please Him. I had a slave-sister (His wife), and I only saw Him on weekends as we lived an hour and a half away from each other. But whenever He would give me a domestic chore, I would get frustrated and resentful because His house was very dirty, way beyond unsanitary due to the way He and His wife did not do any (or very little) housekeeping throughout the week, nor did they care for their pets properly so the messes were overwhelming when I would show up. I was honest with Him and admitted that I could not do the domestic service aspect. He understood and agreed. Yet this certainly didn't give me an opportunity to explore 'service' in a positive way.

All of that may be water under the bridge. Or maybe it isn't. One thing has stuck with me throughout the years, and into every relationship though - a certain amount of fear of domestic service.

So when my Owner, whom I love, adore and want nothing more than to please - asked me what Service is... I found myself freezing up a little, unsure what to write.

Service is...

Service is anticipating my Owner's needs and desires and offering those things, selflessly.

Service is when asked to do a task, no matter how little or big, doing it with a pleasant demeanor and without delay.

Service is not becoming complacent during times when our interactions have to be primarily vanilla due to lack of privacy, and still finding ways to provide for the needs and desires of my Owner.


What is ideal?

Ideally, service would come easily to me or - if not - I would actively work on it.

Ideally, my Owner would deliberately give me tasks, perhaps even one I find mildly distasteful as a training exercise, to help me overcome fears and also to condition me to be pleasing for Her. My Owner would inspect, even if casually, the work that I do to ensure it meets Her expectations.

Ideally, my Owner would ask little things of me when we are in more vanilla settings - whether to get Her a cup of coffee or tea, or make Her a snack - and would correct or discipline me (later) for any inappropriate responses that I give in the moment. IE if She asked for a coffee and I stalled or avoided doing it or pouted or sulked, I'd receive a correction or punishment later.


In the past, Syr has given me small realistic daily chores. Making the bed each day, getting the coffee ready and on weekends, serving it to Her. I know that I do crave the ritual connection to my submission that I feel when I have ritual tasks to complete on a daily or weekly basis.