Combative Energy

My Owner gave me an assignment for today. I was to meditate, yoga, and meditate some more - and then write about a topic of Her choosing: Combative Energy.

Well it certainly makes sense that She would want me to mediate first.... to get into a more contemplative head-space before tackling a more intense topic.

Usually, when She assigns a topic like this, it's because She wants to see "stream of consciousness" style writing - without a lot of editing or second guessing. Making sure that I'm first in a receptive frame of mind probably opens the door to better or clearer thinking, which may allow for greater insights. Guess we'll see.

I think that, by combative energy, Syr is referring to a particular mindset I get at times - fairly regularly - whenever something is going on that has me feeling at least a little bit intense.

This mindset usually involves a way of communicating I take on that is really negative. It's not mean or necessarily rude, it's more that I tend to communicate entirely in "no's" if that makes sense. I don't actually say "no". I imply a negative frame of mind or a non-supportive or argumentative stance by throwing up objections, asking questions intended to put Her on the defensive.

When I say "intended", that is how the questions are worded. It isn't my conscious intention to put Her on the defensive, but that's exactly what happens.

Example:

Syr: "Do you want to go to the store?"
me: "What for? Why do we need to go to the store?"

A non-combative energy response might look like this instead:

Syr: "Do you want to go to the store?"
me: "I'm not really feeling up to going out. If we need something, though, I'm up for making a quick trip." (or something like that).

I don't know. To me that second one still sounds a little combative. I think that's because anytime the answer to a question is truthfully "no", I don't really know how to handle that. As in, I don't know how to say no without feeling intense about it. I think that's a big part of where the intensity comes in. Because I'm uncomfortable providing a no-type answer, I feel uncomfortable about anything I'm saying, so I try to avoid saying no by challenging the question, rather than just being honest. This seems to stem from an issue I have (in general) with being blunt with my opinion if I think the other person wants to hear something different.

Syr is incredibly reasonable. She rarely gets annoyed or frustrated if I don't want to do something She wants to do. She likes the things we do to be mutually agreed upon when it comes to day to day type things. Obviously, as my Owner, there are things She will ask me to do that I don't really get a say in, but even then if there is a legitimate reason why I need to delay or can't do what I'm asked, She will always listen and make the decision best for me in the long run.

So, why am I so uncomfortable just saying words like "no" - unless I am being over-the-top playful/obviously bratty etc? That's an interesting question.

It obviously stems from not ever feeling like I was allowed to as a young person (long family history stuff there). That's the logical conclusion.

So, what do I do about it? This comes down to a situation where I am once again throwing eggshells at my own feet. The reality is, if Syr were to say "Do you want to go to the store?" and I were to say (politely) "No." and not say another word, She'd probably inquire as to why. I don't think She'd be annoyed with me. Where annoyance (and combative energy) seems to come into play is when I say "No, I mean I've had a long day and you know work was tough, and I'm still sick and I'd really rather stay home and and and and..."

Because, then it puts Her on the defensive. If I simply say no, She would surely follow up to ask why or if I'm feeling okay or whatever afterward - right?  Funny, even writing this down I don't feel confident. LOL No is just hard for me. So I seem to say everything else BUT, and that comes across so much worse. Because as SOON as I do that, Syr will get frustrated and then I'll panic that I've done something wrong and get defensive and it all goes downhill from there.

She does blunt all the time with me and it works just fine. Sometimes I get a little huffy about it, but it is usually just a tiny little blip and we move on and either discuss it further or we drop it and do something else.

Combative energy doesn't only rear its ugly head when I want to say effectively "no" to something, though. That's just one example.

Other times/ways it comes out is if I am feeling angsty in general. Sometimes this is because I have a particular expectation about something - like I got myself fixated on a particular activity, or goal for the day/evening and something Syr has said has indicated that She's taking us in a different direction, so I'll get generally combative and (not entirely consciously) throw up objections or ask the objection-ish questions like in my examples above.....

I've written about this in the past because it's that whole letting go of control thing. If I've gotten an expectation about something, or become fixated on how my day is going to play out - I'll get combative when She takes over (hello! that's Her job!) and steers us in a different direction. It's rarely, if ever, because I don't like the direction She's taking us in - it's usually because it's Her steering now instead of me, and I don't shift gears very well.

Last night is a good example. I didn't realize it at the time, but I'd gotten fixated on how the evening was going to play out. I didn't realize HOW fixated until way later when I got some distance from my bout of combative behaviour. Syr was feeling very sleepy and was steering the evening in a different direction - which is Her right and privilege as my Owner.....  and I was struggling with shifting. I unintentionally made some remarks that showed that deep down I was trying to "get us back on track". She called me on it and I denied it. I really didn't think that's what I'd been doing! But after the subject was dropped and everything was going well, I realized I was grumpy in general because my evening wasn't going how I'd planned and that's when I realized She'd been right all along.

In the end, though, we ended up snuggling together in bed and watching a show that was interesting and funny. I really enjoyed the quiet time with Her. Letting Her steer the remainder of the evening didn't hurt. It was pretty pleasurable. I just had to let go of that need to control.

It's so difficult to explain how all the things that Syr does to try to boost my confidence and make me a stronger person are so effective BECAUSE I am able to give up control. When I am grappling for control - that part of me that wants me to grapple that is - I am at my unhealthiest. When I release and let go, surrender and submit, I transform into the me I want to be. I become confident in healthy ways in the areas of my life where I want to be confident and self-possessed.  I am more self-aware and feel healthy and handle my emotions much better. When I grasp for control (whether I get it or not), I am not in a good place. Combative energy - that type of behaviour is a warning sign that I'm behaving in an unhealthy way.... because all the combative energy comes from a sudden 'urge' to be in control. And those urges don't spring from a healthy place in me. They come from a long history of abuse that I am working very hard to overcome.

And so, I've learned some things - as is usually the case when Syr gives me something to write (and think) about. :)

Thank You, Syr!

Earning Her collar... again

My Owner and I recently went through a challenging few days. It was instigated by a backslide in my behaviour. I am often a rather bratty slavegirl at the best of times and when life dictates that we act fairly vanilla due to lack of privacy, I had gotten in the habit of being especially careless and especially unaware of my behaviour as it pertains to our dynamic. This escalated Monday of this past week when both Syr and I were sick, pretty sick actually, and so we were both out of sorts and not ourselves. I ended up picking a fight over something ridiculous when Syr was really really really not feeling well. She gave me every opportunity to be more aware, She communicated Her limits and boundaries very clearly but I just motored on through anyway. The result was swift action on Her part and an announcement that I needed to do some serious thinking about Her collar and the D/s between us and what it meant - and that it applies all the time and not only when it's convenient. Essentially, I had lost the privilege of Her collar for the time being.

This, obviously, threw me into a bit of a tailspin, but what was really amazing was that I did not actually panic for very long. Sure, I panicked, I wallowed, I stayed in bed way, way too long the following morning feeling depressed and sorry for myself.

But, what happened shortly after I got out of bed surprised us both. I started to relax.. and the sensations in my mind, heart, and body was suddenly not fear - but trust! I realized that my job in this process was to learn - not to fret about the future, that was my Owner's job. And so, without Her collar, for the time being, I set to my task. I wrote a great deal during that time, pretty private and intense stuff. I wrote what I was feeling and thinking and what I realized about my recent behaviour and as I wrote, new awarenesses rose to the surface. I realized that I had been compartmentalizing my behaviour - isolating the good from the bad, convinced that when I was good - that was good, and when I was not good, that was not good, but never looking at my behaviour as a whole. I realized I also had done that with my Owner. When She was doing obvious things to assert Her ownership, She was being dominant, but when She wasn't, She was still my Owner but I didn't perceive or treat Her EXACTLY like my Owner... if that makes sense.

And shortly after THAT, I realized something else that I never expected. Even though I was without Her collar, the D/s seemed to still be there. I realized that formalities completely stripped away, what remained was that She still seemed to be in charge and I still seemed to be obeying and eager to please Her. Every thing that She said or did was geared towards guiding or teaching me, with love - and everything I did seemed to be about being a good girl (in the healthy sort of ways). Even the way that She had gone about removing the collar to "teach me a lesson" was a teachery, loving Dominant, thing to do. I realized that collar or no collar - I was still very much owned and She was still very much my Owner.

The important thing to note about our relationship is that it began as a D/s friendship with benefits (overly simplified way of putting it but accurate enough to make my point) and then we fell in love. The D/s and love/romantic-relationship were intertwined from the very beginning. She collared me just a day or two before She went down on one knee to propose to me, engagement ring in hand. And over the course of our relationship and marriage, the D/s has integrated in such a way that it has seeped into even the most innocuous of romantic gestures. She is such a loving and gentle Dominant, always concerned with my greater good. Everything She encourages, pushes, or orders me to do are things that will benefit me - sometimes while inconveniencing Her. Some of these things could feel vanilla, I suppose, but knowing Her as I do, they are the ways that She asserts Her ownership. And I thought of all of this during this break from D/s and realized that this break from D/s was no break at all. I felt uncomfortable without the formalities, the trappings and I was saddened that I had taken so much for granted and hurt my Owner, and I was disappointed that it had taken such a drastic step to wake me up - but within me was a growing confidence.

I'd spent so long trying to live up to my expectations of myself as Her slave that I stopped giving myself credit (and Her credit) for all the ways we make this work in loving and healthy ways every single day. A lot of my bad behaviour was insecurity and fear-driven. Like, some part of me didn't think I deserved to be Hers. And now that I was without the collar I'd never really felt I deserved, I suddenly realized I absolutely deserved it... that I was absolutely Hers - collar or not.

So two days, solid, of thinking and writing about all of this was a big part of the process. I didn't share those writings with Her, because I didn't want to inadvertantly influence or end up subconsciously manipulating Her while I worked through everything (not that She'd let it, but I needed to know that the writing and learning I was doing was genuine and not coming from a place of "telling Her what She wanted to hear"). And then, on the eve of the second day, I told Her - "I still belong to You." It wasn't a question.

She looked at me, and I could see that "happily surprised" look on Her face. She walked right up to me and said - "Are you sure?". And I said "Yep". And She made a crack about how I was very thick headed and that it was amazing I finally got that after five years. The next day, after some more writing and checking in with myself, I decided that I was ready to ask for Her collar back. I did that, that evening, which would have been Wednesday night. I knelt at Her feet and asked for it back. One of the things She asked me before answering me was "Do you finally feel like you have earned it? that you deserve it?" And I nodded quietly and whispered, "Yes, Syr".

And it's the truth.

I slept in Her collar and chain that night for the first time since Sunday and slept very confidently and calmly. A new level of trust had been reached, taking my submission to Her so much deeper than I ever realized it could. Ever since then, being good is easy. Obeying, is easy. Being mindful, is easy. So many things that seemed hard and complicated before now seem natural. I realized that a lot of my push-back and brattiness (not the cute kind of bratty of course) was a form of constant pushing for reminders that She was in charge. I don't need that anymore. Going a couple of days collarless made me so aware of just how often I am reminded every single day - reminders I'd started taking for granted so long ago - that I am owned.

We had a lovely quiet evening on Thursday night and I spent much of it just sitting at Her feet. She allowed me to wear my dress collar, the one that locks on, that night and again last night.

Last night, She had me make a nest of blankets and pillows (and clean laundry that hadn't yet been folded) and I slept on this nest on the floor next to the bed. Having me sleep on the floor is something She'd wanted to do for a while and it was the perfect night for it. I slept down there, one ankle chained to the bed, my dress collar on, and felt so loved and contained and safe. I awoke feeling so very little.

After coffee, my Owner ordered me up to the bathroom with Her, and She pulled me into the shower with Her and She washed me from head to toe. She gently washed and scrubbed my face. She washed my hair, twice, and rinsed every bit of soap off of me Herself. She dried me with the towel and snuggled me in bed after and I felt so divine, so loved, so cared for.

I know that She is proud of how I handled all of this. I know that She was happily surprised just how much I learned and was able to take away from the experience and most of all, I know She is so pleased that I finally feel so much more secure - so much more worthy of Her collar - and of Her in general, and it feels good to be good. It feels good to feel worthy. It feels good to be Owned.

Growth in Service: "What's Done is Done"

Explaining reasoning does not negate/erase feelings (or "what's done is done")

Ask, don't tell Owner what Her feelings are

Waiting for the answer after asking a question

Not defending/countering

Accepting the answer given as the only sane choice

How NOT doing these things invalidates Owner's feelings/emotions

I'm doing this as one entry because all these things relate to each other pretty intimately, i believe, and because this came up in a calm but frustrating conflict between my Owner and I just this evening. But I'll break it up bit by bit.

Explaining reasoning does not negate/erase feelings (or "what's done is done")

This is one of my BIGGEST battles. Okay, maybe I say that a lot but I think this is really true and is the root (and thus the heading) of many conflicts. Once there is an unpleasant emotion (read previous entry on that issue), I try to 'correct' things. My attempt to correct is fear-driven. I don't like feeling that someone is having a negative emotion towards or about me (who does?) and so I try to make it go away. When I write it out like that, it sounds really ridiculous and futile - and wholly illogical. But in my mind - in the moment - it is a very logical and analytical sort of step to take.

If (for example) my Owner seems frustrated with me about the way I expressed myself about something - then it would serve my logical purposes at the moment to explain that whatever is causing Her frustration was a misunderstanding because I certainly didn't mean to come across in a frustrating way. Except, the thing is that I get very, very determined to PROVE that I did nothing (at least intentionally) to cause the negative emotion - therefore the negative emotion need not be there.

Um, do you see the problem here? Once a negative emotion is experienced, I can't erase it by explaining away whatever led to it (whether by excuse or apology) but I don't think it's possible to explain just how desperately I want to do JUST that. *sigh*

This is a driving thing and something that needs to be worked on a lot more on my part. Once the negative emotion is there - whether I agree with it or not, whether I think it should exist or not, whether I think I am to BLAME for it or not - it's still there. I can not (and dear Goddess I should not be trying to) explain it away!!

Ask, don't tell Owner what Her feelings are

I've made a lot of progress on this but I have to constantly check myself. I used to, quite regularly, assume that my Owner was angry or frustrated or annoyed at me and would state this presumptively within a conflict or conversation and this would upset my Owner. Interestingly, having someone assume what I am thinking or feeling really irks me in a big way, so I really understand how annoying this behaviour is and have been trying to curb it. I still catch myself doing it sometimes or trying to find different (softer) words but still stating my Owner's feelings rather than asking.

This is in the outline because I really think this is a personal 'rule' I need to work on with myself. I need to remember to ASK (and never just state/tell) my Owner what She is thinking or feeling.

Not defending/countering

Remember the post about listening and, specifically, not interrupting? This is probably the worst habit I have in conflict and it is definitely rooted in the issue of believing on some level that I can make a negative thought go away by 'explaining' it away.

In a conflict, if I am interrupting - nine times out of ten it is with something like "I didn't say it like THAT" or "I didnt' mean it to come out that way..." or "I said ___ not ___" or.... (the list goes on... and on).

Almost every time I interrupt, it is an effort to defend or argue a point. Now, maybe that's true for everyone in conflicts, and it's probably pretty normal in the bigger picture of human interaction/arguments/conflicts. But, what bothers me about this behaviour is how HARD it is to stop myself. It takes a ridiculous amount of concentration and, dare I say, willpower just to keep myself silent without countering - and I mean that it takes that much work just to stop myself from arguing the most ridiculous of minute details just to avoid starting a side-argument over something dumb - oh yeah, and I often DON'T catch myself in time.

When it comes to 'countering', it seems that everything is up for grabs - even the tiniest of details, which in turn adds frustration to the entire interaction as my Owner struggles to just stick to the original point.

As with many of the other things within our arguments if I can remember to listen respectfully throughout the entire conversation, I will make more progress.

Accepting the answer given as the only sane choice

I've worded this one fairly strongly on purpose. When I ask a question, particularly one about opinion, what my Owner "means", what She 'feels', what Her opinion is, etc - the only SANE response is to accept the answer I am given.

It is not fair or appropriate (with anyone, let alone my Owner) to argue over Her opinions, feelings, or perceptions. If I ask "what do You want for dinner" and She says "spaghetti", it is not appropriate or polite to say "what about meatloaf?". We obviously never have that particular exchange but I think you get my drift. It's a very simple, foundational basic to remember to just accept the answers I am given without question. It doesn't mean I need to agree with every single thing - but it means that respecting my Owner's feelings, emotions, and opinions means not making Her have to justify them all the time.

I trust Her - and as I frequently remind myself - trust is the root of all of these things. When I remember to trust, I relax and the rest becomes a lot less like work and a lot more like natural communication.

How NOT doing these things invalidates Owner's feelings/emotions

And the point of all of this is that when I don't do the above things - I make my Owner feel badly. Not respecting Her feelings/emotions without question invalidates them and whether I agree with them or not or even whether I understand what caused them or not does not make them disappear. This obviously circles back to the first point - what's done is done.

If my Owner feels frustrated, that's Her right. And to remind myself from an earlier post, just because She feels frustrated does not mean it is up to me to "fix it", it is just up to me to respect it and be aware and respectful of Her needs, whether it be to discuss it or to back off from it (another thing I struggle with)

---

One interesting side-point that came up this evening was my Owner's warning about dropping something so that it NOT turn into an argument.

I have often interpreted this to mean "If we keep talking to each other, we will fight because you will do something to piss me off."

but ...

what i learned tonight is that what She means by this is "I'm getting upset/frustrated/angry (insert emotion) and need a break from this because I'm not feeling particularly objective and if we push the issue right now it WILL become an argument"

I actually NEVER took it that way. I have always taken that warning to mean that She somehow thinks I'm going to lose my cool or not be capable of talking about it rationally (cuz it's all about me right? geesh) and I have never stopped to consider that what She might mean is that SHE is not in the right headspace to continue rationally (or even mean that WE are not in the right headspace), but I don't think - in hindsight - that She has ever meant it as an accusation about my inability to be reasonable. Oops. Another thing I took personally and often 'defended' to the point of - well.. missing the point.

It just goes to show how big language things are. And, more importantly, it's a reminder to me to check myself and to work harder at not interpreting everything through the "how have I messed up or how am i being accused of messing up" filter. This filter is what gets me in trouble. Many times a comment or request or question is nothing to do with me and everything to do with where my Owner's head or emotions are at. Once again, not everything is about me. :)

~*~*~*~*~

Kitten recently posted about her Master's style of Zen Mastery which prompted A Subtle Slavegirl to post about it and in both the phrase that stood out - that seems to be the most potently 'felt' is this one -

"Surrender is a reaction. Submission is a decision."

Yeah, that! For me, this tied into all this work I feel like I am constantly doing to overcome my 'stuff', to be better at communicating, to overcome my dysfunctional patterns and past programming. Sometimes, I get so frustrated with all of the work that needs doing that I feel really broken - but it is not up to my Owner to accept me as is all the time without question - that is what leads to dysfunction (at least for me). It is not up to Her to 'fix' me either. It is not up to Her to constantly push me for this sort of growth. It is up to me to bring this to the table - to be willing to do the work to be a better person, wife, little girl, and slave. It is my decision to work on these things, on basics and on things that aren't so basic that makes it an act of submission and one that is beneficial to us both.

It's far easier to simply do what one is told than it is to bring something, with effort, to the relationship and put the work and energy behind it to make it work. It is the work and the active engagement on my part that makes, even this, an act of submission.

Expectations

An interesting interaction between my Owner and I prompted this assignment...

I had been thinking about something naughty and hinting at this fact to Syr. Usually if She realizes that I am thinking about something 'interesting', She would prompt me to tell Her all about it, often times exerting at least a bit of Her authority to do so. What I wasn't actively thinking about was that I had actually painted a mental picture of how She would respond to my naughty reminiscing.

And while She responded with interest to the fact that I was thinking about something naughty, She did not respond in the precise way I had imagined (read: expected) that She would and I foolishly let my disappointment show.

Syr called me on it in a flash. I'd laid the ground work to 'get' a particular reaction. That could be called manipulation, micro-management, or setting Her up. There was no malicious intent, but I do adore the feeling of being 'made' to admit what is on my mind. I was just in the mood for that sort of interaction and so in a way I was trying to make it happen.

In doing this, I managed to trap my Owner in a rock/hard place situation. She could either cave and do what I was setting Her up to do - or She could not and then She deals with my disappointment or hurt feelings. Unfair.

She handled it well. She called me on it and I employed that whole listening thing to hear Her point of view and all points were valid. I wanted something and, whether intentional or not, tried to "make" Syr give it to me. Hm. Counter-productive, much? I think so!

Lesson learned. Syr reminded me that I need to work harder at not being so invested in a particular (and very specific) outcome when I act. This is such a healthy reminder in all areas of my life. I like, to some degree, knowing what to expect - there is an element of control to that - and so I try to do things to make sure I know what to expect.

The interesting thing is, that I often have the most wonderful time, the most REAL experiences when I let go of that, trust and just open up to whatever is going to happen. That is where the magic happens - not in the planning but in the humanity of the experience.

Ahh, the unknown. It can be sexy too.

Growth in Service: Allowing for normal human emotions

The outline is not forgotten. Syr asked me to write on two topics tonight. I chose to go in order, because I feel I have something to say on the next topic on the list:

Growth in Service

Conflict

Checklist

Allowing for normal human emotions (angry vs. grumpy, etc)

I have a really hard time with "negative" emotions. Positive ones are simple, easy to process.

Joy, pride, love, desire are all emotions that make me feel good about myself and whatever interaction or experience I am having. Anger, frustration, sadness, hurt feelings, grumpiness, annoyance are all emotions that make me feel badly about myself and whatever I'm experiencing.

I think that, just in writing that short paragraph that I've learned something. I take everything personally. Someone may be angry or grumpy or sad and I almost immediately think that it is about me or because of me. Newsflash - not everything is about me. It seems like a simple idea/concept and yet it isn't. I'm prone to sensitivities. I take it onto myself to ensure the happiness and contentedness of the people I love when I am around them. And yet, it really isn't my responsibility to ensure that the people I love are happy at all times.

Within reason, it is reasonable for me to expect myself to see to my Owner's comforts and to make Her life easier where possible. That is service. But to take personal responsibility for every emotion that She feels is not service, nor is it something that She expects of me.

I think that this is likely the root of much of my panic when someone near to me is exhibiting an unpleasant emotion. The reality of life is that yes - sometimes I've irritated someone or done something to hurt someone's feelings. But I don't seem to know how to process it if that happens. It's a work in progress and... I feel as if I have been making progress, a lot of it.

This has been something I've been working on for a while now, under my Owner's instructions. Now, more than ever before I am better able to step back from a situation and recognize that not every unpleasant emotion is a big deal. I'm better able, now, to decipher between grumpy and angry. Before, those two seemed and felt the same. Sometimes, my Owner is grumpy because of something that has nothing to do with me and sometimes She is grumpy because of something I contributed to. But I don't automatically jump to the conclusion that She's angry at me. I still sometimes think along those lines but it isn't my first thought every time like it used to be.

An interesting byproduct of this is that I'm better able to put my own emotions in their proper place. I'm better able to tell when I'm just being grouchy or if I'm feeling an emotion that actually NEEDS to be dealt with by confronting someone or something.

Emotions aren't black and white but a thousand shades of grey. I'm learning more and more about this all the time. It makes me a better slave, a better wife, a better friend... but most of all, a better me.

The Chase

I was in an odd sort of head space yesterday afternoon and evening. I am not sure why, but I slipped into this odd head space where I'm almost adrenaline-filled, hyper, and craving physical release of the non-sexual variety.

I'm not sure where this mood comes from, except I do know I've experienced it my entire life.

When I was young, I used to have an outlet for it. I would merely dare the boys on the playground - taunt and chide them until they chased after me. That exhilarating feeling of having pushed too far and running, running, running - was probably the best feeling in the whole world.

If caught, they would often put me in the 'dungeon'. It was harmless children playing, really. The dungeon was any defensible physical space on the playground that would result in my inability to escape.

Sometimes it was a spot under the slide of the big toy, with a couple of guards there to make sure I didn't get out until the bell rang. Once, I remember it was inside this big dome shaped climbing toy. I remember that one the most, because two boys circled it and kept me there until way after the bell, making me late for class. I was quite distressed because I didn't break the rules at school, and I knew I would be in trouble for being late.

My memories of this playground play are incredibly vivid, even still. I recognize it, in a fashion, now for what it was. Even at that young age I had far too much power to manipulate people around me, and control. I knew it. I was in a dysfunctional household/family where I was prized for being "good". But being good didn't mean being healthy. It meant that I knew how to kiss up, and make myself appear to be whatever my family members needed me to be so that I could fly under the radar, and hopefully protect those that I felt needed to protecting. Of course when you're 7 or 8 years old and doing that - obviously there's some pretty intense psychological game-playing behaviour being learned.

Subconsciously, I'm sure that I was aware that I was basically always manipulating/controlling the people around me - and it was psychological. And obviously that wasn't something that felt "good" to me. I wanted to give up control, be taken care of, not have to take care of everyone else.

And so this pattern was born. I would be in need of that release of control, so I would goad the boys until they chased me... controlled me.

The sensations in my body when I hit one of those moods today as an adult, are almost identical and I recognize the exact same sensations and remember the chase in the playground.

But within my submission and my dynamic with my Syr, where does that fit in?

If you guessed: "it doesn't" you're sort of right. Because in order for me as a submissive to goad my Syr into "chasing" me (or in its adult context: slamming me hard and fast into subspace), I have to REALLY do something bad. Really bad.

I don't WANT to do something bad, however, because my desire is to please Her not frustrate or anger Her.

So often I find myself hitting uber-brat mode. But more than that, my physical and psychological need is a physical outlet. So rather than the usual verbal teasing and playful brattiness I might fall into, instead I want to be physical. It's still playful, but what I'm wanting to do is wrestle, bite, throw ice down Her shirt - anything for THE CHASE.

And I restrain myself, usually, from doing anything REALLY bad and for the most part these moods are in fun. But of course - Syr knows She can't exactly reward the behaviour either.... whichhhh means no chase.

How do I reconcile that as a submissive? How do I, an owned slave, fulfill this long-lived need to push so hard that control is RIPPED from me? In these times, it's not about Dominance and submission, even. It's about raw power. It's about wanting to pit my strength against Hers in a physical way and LOSING.

It's about wanting to be TAKEN DOWN.

It's intense and overwhelming and very very hard to find an outlet for in the reality of the real world and our lack of privacy.

In any case, I recognized the sensations, the needs, the wants... in me. Syr did too, but I think it's a struggle for Her to determine the best way to respond to it. She doesn't want to reinforce the bad parts of this behaviour, even if she enjoys the playful aspects of it. So how can She respond? It's sort of a catch 22 for Her, because I WANT Her to slam me into the ground. But if She does so because I've goaded, then haven't I just manipulated Her (which is exactly the sensation I want to get away from when I'm in this head space)?

It feels like a double-edged sword no matter how one looks at it, doesn't it?

Syr waited until I was a bit better behaved and during those windows, She established control and dropped me several times early in the evening. She would pull my hair, put me on my knees - and each time, I would drop into that lovely subspace. But it lacked the dynamics of The Chase, and so that adrenaline-like feeling would take over again and my need would come back full force.

I had to go out for a few hours, then, and so was left to my thoughts and to examine it all in my head. I didn't come to any major conclusions, but I did realize that my need was my responsibility and that it was up to me to find a way to communicate that need to my Syr. I made a conscious choice to give up The Chase, in order to take responsibility for my needs. I was proud of myself, but I think only half-convinced that asking and receiving (in a best case scenario) would provide the same sensations as The Chase would. But I knew I had to try.

When I got home, I hesitated, and beat around the bush... and finally admitted I had a question to ask Syr, a request.

The sentence was formed in my mind, but oh my, I simply could NOT get it out. Syr recognized it was a D/s question instantly and Her demeanor slipped into that place where Her Dominant energy just swirls around Her and I find myself transfixed, and frozen, and nervous and little.

I managed to ask "Would it be okay if I knelt in front of You and..."

The ... was where I stopped. What I realized I wanted to ask Her was something so beyond what I could ever imagine ASKING for. I mean what I wanted to ask Her for is the sort of thing one isn't really supposed to want or need (at least according to mainstream society). I mean, asking for a spanking is easier (though still challenging) because at least that has more face-time in society these days. LOTS of people spank or like to be spanked, so there's some mental acceptability with it.

Syr kept encouraging me to finish, and I could see that sparkle in Her eye, the one that proves how much She enjoys it when I squirm and struggle to say something. Finally, with my face buried in Her neck I got it out...

"and.. and would You slap me, Syr? Please?"

*gulp*

Syr chuckled and held me close.

"And what if I say no, slave?", She asked. "What if I don't WANT to slap You?"

She bit my neck and I whimpered. I knew She wouldn't do it, if She didn't want to, and so I know that the point She was making was that it was HER decision. She was making it clear that I wasn't "topping from the bottom" and She knew it. She wanted to make sure I knew She knew it.

"Then kneel, slave."

I practically poured myself off the bed where we'd been talking onto the fur on the floor. She reached out a hand to run a finger along my jaw and I shied away a little. She reacted quick as lightning and placed my forehead down on my fur.

"Don't you dare shy away from the very thing you've asked for, little girl."

I whimpered softly as She placed her foot on the back of my head, the weight of it reassuring and I felt myself start to sink.

She directed me to sit up again and she wrapped her left hand tightly in my hair, pulling my head back slightly until I met Her eyes.

She said some things then, and it's a blur, because when I hit this place, mentally, it's like we're in a different world - out of space and time - a place that is wholly ours, and it is very much an otherworldly experience to the point where trying to describe it later always seems to dim in comparison to the experience of it.

She reminded me who I am, who owns me, and who is in charge.

The first slap across my cheek sent shocks throughout my entire body, it was so filled with the energy of Her.

She made me meet Her eyes. "Look at me, slave."

"MINE", She growled and delivered another slap.

Each time my eyes drifted closed as I floated on the energy of Her, She would tug just once on the hair gripped in Her fist and make me look at Her. That was so potent, seeing the raw energy there, the raw intensity.

A final slap and She held her hand over my mouth and nose for the briefest of moments, though it felt longer, and then pulled me into Her safe embrace with soft kisses to my forehead.

She directed me to bed, then, and I curled up against Her body, laying my head on it's usual pillow: Her shoulder, and whispered "Thank You Syr" against her neck as I was already floating away to the land of dreams on the peaceful floating sensations She'd just gifted to me.

"You're welcome, little girl." She whispered against my forehead before bestowing my goodnight kiss there.

Giving Submission

I haven't posted much lately, here. There has just been a lot going on in our lives. But on many levels, whenever something big happens in our life together, it usually yields new growth and new opportunities.

Over the last week or so, I had a couple of really amazing "light bulb" moments about myself. Recognizing those things, dealing with them, and being honest about them has really helped me to grow and also, in some ways, to shed some old nasty patterns that were really ready to go.

I still fall into old habits, sure, but growth - small or large - always feels really empowering and healing.

One of the wonderful side effects of this growth was a realization that I needed to work on not trying so hard to 'make' Syr have to work for my submission. The wording of that is all kinds of inflammatory, which I am well aware of - but it's the most honest way I know how to put it.

A healthy D/s dynamic takes the work of both parties to maintain. Syr's responsibilities in that include establishing and maintaining my boundaries, or "containing" me (a term I've really come to identify with after reading on persephone's blog). My responsibilities include trusting Syr to do just that (and actually letting her) as well as owning my end of the deal by actually giving Her my submission with and without provocation from Her.

I think it's easy to fall into the trap of wanting a Dominant to take charge, be in control, and be responsible for the D/s and whether it succeeds or fails. But I realized that sometimes I expect Her to do like ALL the work. I don't LITERALLY think that way, but that's really what it boils down to. When I'm craving a drop, I really want that from Her - some action or reminder.

But over the course of the last few days, I've realized that I don't do enough on my own, without Her prompting. I do some, yes. I communicate and I own my needs and I make offers and when we are definitely in private and I am free to express myself, I often will fall to my knees at Her feet or fall into a soft subspace. Yet - in our regular (and by all purposes "vanilla") activities, I lose sight of my vows to Her, and of my responsibility in maintaining the 24/7 energy between us.

And I realized that when we are in a 'vanilla' setting or mood or what-have-you, and She asks me for something, that I don't treat Her, always, with the same respect I would were we in different moods, or in private. Living without the ability to exercise the full extent of that respect due to privacy issues has created a sort of dividing line between the respect She gets when we are in a D/s headspace, and that she gets the 'rest' of the time. And this has established some not so hot patterns.

So when I realized this, I decided to make a conscious effort to change it. When She asks for something, now, I do it. It seems simple, but in the usual every day mundane activities, it's not so hard to fall into a pattern of "in a minute, honey" or "I'm just going to finish this up first..." or "do you need me to do that right now?" (that last one especially when I'm feeling a bit grumpy).

I suppose the last couple of days have been a bit of a trial run, and it hasn't been flawless. But in remembering that She is my Syr *ALL* the time, not just when She has the privacy to demonstrate that, and consciously reminding myself to treat Her as my Syr all the time, I've discovered something really cool..

When She (in as vanilla a mood as can be) says "Can you please get me a glass of water?", and I get it, without hesitation or question, suddenly I am getting exactly what I need.

Duh.

Interesting how lately there has been so much talk of experience, and how long one has been in the lifestyle and how that translates to what qualifies one to say they are "experienced"... and here I am, having been in the Lifestyle to one degree or another since I was 19 years old, and I'm just a baby in some ways, still just a noob in my own way.

It's no different than any other of life's greatest treasures - you have to find the power to get your needs from within before seeking them from without - and it just clicked.

The more often I obey and trust, all on my own, because I want to - because it's right, because it's a natural expression of who I am and who my Syr is to me, the deeper my submission grows.

Pretty cool, huh?