A check in and a bit of a self evaluation

It’s been way, way too long since I last did a devotional. So I’m going to do that next.

First I wanted to just write about how things have been going, or how – at least – I think they’ve been going and how I’m doing from a service perspective.

When it comes to day to day interactions, I’m feeling stronger and healthier in many ways than ever before.  I feel like in a more general way, I LISTEN way better than I ever used to. And I’m TRUSTING better… especially when it comes to taking things at face value.  And when I screw up and get called on it, I’m WAY slower to automatically defend myself and I tend to take corrections better and not freak out. It’s not to say I’m a perfect angel or anything, but I definitely feel like I’m better at hearing that I’ve screwed up without having to turn it into a huge drama.

There have also been some examples even in the last few days of moments when we disagree and I can see that annoys Her, but She also communicates either by saying “okay” or some other verbal that she’s letting it go. In the past, I couldn’t stop when that happened. As if I needed to convince Her to see it my way before I could move on. I have been trying really hard to knock that non-productive crap off and have been mostly succeeding. Sometimes I START and she reminds me that it needs to stop… and I do… and the day moves on without lingering weirdness.

In fact, this came up yesterday with a discussion about possibly moving the couch… It was the second time it had come up as an option and both times She’d brought it up as an idea and asked my feedback I’d offered resistance to the idea. The first time, She was clearly annoyed but she said okay there’s no point in discussing it then… or something. Instead of defending myself or trying to convince her of my reasoning, I just accepted that she was allowed to be annoyed but also noticed she let it go and so I did, too. Yay. Day moved on. Then yesterday it came up again…. And same thing (basically) happened. I STARTED to do the “but here’s all the reasons I’m right” thing and she reminded me that was non-productive… so I stopped. I just was triggered because I could see she was annoyed or whatever. Later on that afternoon, I brought it up and we were able to clarify with each other and it was very healthy stuff.. which I know wouldn’t have happened if I had turned it into an unnecessary battle earlier.

So I feel like there has been some noticeable progress, particularly in the realm of listening and moving on and not turning things into a drama. There were also a few setbacks in recent weeks but I feel like each time it was over quicker and quicker as I’m seeing her point of view earlier and earlier these days.

I still need to pay attention and work on … well, paying attention. In particular, I’m really trying to work harder at enjoying quality interactions with Syr and not letting myself get distracted all the time. It’s a bad habit and I know I miss out on quality when I do that.

For example, I noticed that when I am driving, Syr never plays on her phone. Now, partly that’s because She isn’t comfy doing that and driving. But on the other hand, I noticed that I really enjoy having Her undivided attention when I’m driving. BUT when She drives, I relax and can get distracted or sorta check out… more often than not. And I want to work on not doing that as much. Sometimes, when tired or burnt out, sure….. that makes a bit of sense and if Syr doesn’t seem to mind. But I also want Syr to get MY undivided attention while She’s driving too…. So that is something I’m trying to be more aware of.

I think that ever since she gave me the massage, I’ve been WAY more aware, in general, of when I get her undivided attention vs when she gets mine and realizing this is a weak point and trying to be more aware of it at all times, and not just at particular times and I think that’s really good for both of us.

I think that, possibly, another reason for my mentality shift, is that I am not home day to day to get so lost in the domestic service side of things. Quite the opposite, lately…. Syr is home all the time now (and that will likely be the case for a little while). So I generally have very few household chores/duties. And I suppose in a way that’s made me focus more on the non-tangible service things more than I was before.

This has led me to wonder if I have sometimes used the things I do domestically for service to give me ‘permission’ if you will to slack in other areas. Or maybe, I was just too busy patting myself on the back for the tangible things that I got lazy about the less tangible things. I’m not sure. But I do feel like I’m being way more mindful these days.

And you know… maybe it all just relates back to moving out of a very stressful time with the business and with finally having other things done and decisions made that were dangling. Either way, I’m trying to STAY mindful.

Celebrating a moment of doing well

On the way home from the dog park, Syr stops at McDonalds to get us some Iced Coffees (cuz dollar drink days, yo!). Yummy.

When we get the bag, I noticed she's purchased not one but two greasy, salty beef patties for our little doggies.

"You got them one patty each? That's a lot of grease!" I said disapprovingly. (passive-aggressive much?)

Exasperated sigh from Syr, "Then don't give them to them."

Me: Shutting up. Thinking. Considering what just happened and figuring a few things out...

1. I was being critical (read: nagging!) and passive aggressive with my comment. A more productive and direct comment might be - "I'm not sure I want to give this to them all at once. Is it okay if I split one between them now and give the other one to them later - or tomorrow?"

2. I could take Syr's exasperated comment at face value. In other words, if I objected to giving the patties to the dogs, I could just ... not.

So I took the time to think through all of this. Recognized that Syr had a right to feel exasperated in that moment based on the way I went about expressing my disapproval, and realized that since the dogs had just been running around - and since one of our spoiled pups runs normal to thin and the other heavy - that I felt okay giving it to them, but I just divided the patties much more unfairly. So that's what I did.

But I knew I COULD have given them less, or saved one for later, etc so I realized I felt fine about that.

Know what I didn't do? I didn't keep running my mouth, try to explain to Syr why I felt the grease was a problem, didn't go on and on.... didn't get annoyed with or question Syr for being exasperated.... I just ... took things at face value and then everything proceeded quite healthily from there.

I recognize that, to some, this is super uneventful and simple stuff. But for me, I'm still learning and working at basics like this so it felt like a big win. :) 

And I do have to say that I think the devotional writing exercise is helping. I did reduce the number of repetitions from 10 to 5 on the action statements. It still feels like it takes a good amount of time (if the cramp in my writing hand is any indication) and I feel the words sinking in. I do think the repetition is important for me to have the time to reflect but 5 seems sufficient whereas 10 felt excessive.

I do think it helps to remind myself not only of what the things are that I'm working on but WHY I'm working on them... and so writing down WHY I respect my Owner is as important as (or even more than) the fact that I DO respect my Owner.

Growth In Service: Allowing for normal human emotion

This is a subject near and dear. It's been something that has been in the forefront of my personal work for a very long time. Years. Many years.

Allowing myself to express normal emotion - and having that be a safe and healthy thing - is still something I"m learning how to do.

It is through my submission to my Owner - that absolute safety that She offers me... something I'd never experienced to this degree before - that I am finally learning to get actually in touch with normal human emotion.

Learning that it's okay to FEEL anger.... frustration... annoyance... and other feelings I label as "negative" is part of learning to be mindful about how (or if) I choose to express those feelings to others - especially how I choose to express those feelings to my Owner.

Before learning it was okay to feel those feelings, I was often so overwhelmed by them, that I would explode. It wasn't productive from any perspective - and especially not within the perspective of an Owner/property dynamic.

But I am grateful.... because Syr knew. She knew that it wasn't just about getting me to shut up when I yelled. Or getting me "in hand". It was about addressing the underlying issue... teaching me that I was allowed to feel what I felt....

It has been one of the greatest gifts She ever gave me.

And sometimes I still struggle with remembering. But the point is, the groundwork has certainly been laid.

But I just realized something really important. Really important.

I can't remember the last time I completely lost my temper. I can't remember the last time I felt shaky with rage and indignation (something I used to feel whenever I got the slightest bit angry). In fact, I think it's been easily a year. Maybe two. Maybe I'm remembering wrong. Maybe there's been times. But they dwindled in frequency over such a long time...

This is an area I can look at and say, honestly..

Yes. Yes I have made progress. Lots of it.

Feeling humbled and grateful....


GROWTH IN SERVICE:
Conflict Checklist
Identifying when an 'issue' must be addressed right then.
 Allowing for normal human emotion
 Grumpy vs. angry, indirect vs. passive aggressive
 Aim for at least a 60/40 split with Listening vs. Talking
 How “mentally preparing” for next point interferes with listening
 Explaining reasoning does not negate/erase feelings
 Ask, don’t tell Owner what Her feelings are
 Waiting for the answer after asking a question
 Not defending/countering
 Accepting the answer given as the only sane choice
 How not doing these things invalidates Owner’s feelings/emotions
 The Reminder: “Who Owns Who?”
 The purpose of the reminder, why was it necessary?
 Understanding the risk Owner is taking in doing the reminding
 Taking a moment to be grateful
 Pause and reflect on behaviour – in line with protocol?
 “Stop” – Respecting Owner’s boundaries/need for space
 Hearing & respecting the first time (always an order)
 Ego Removal
 Thinking / Understanding
 Trust
 Seeking reassurance – appropriate time and place
 Resolving conflict productively
 Assigning blame - why?
 “I’m sorry” versus processing / expressing remorse
 Trusting Owner to apply correction when required
 Post-conflict self-abuse (mental/verbal/physical) = lack of trust
 Wallowing/Dwelling

Service and Mindfulness
 Can one exist without the other?
 Ways to cultivate mindfulness
 Identify your intentions
 Continual removal of conflicting thoughts
 Service to Owner as service to self

Orders
 What qualifies as an order
 Who judges whether a request is important?
 Bargaining
 Recognition/Reward – want vs. need
 The positive effects of obedience

Being aware of Owner’s needs & desires
 Offering vs. Being asked
 Identifying, Understanding, & Banishing fear with trust
 Practice, Practice, Practice
 Avoidance & Anxiety
 Identify the block / inner objection
 Processing anxiety 
 What’s driving it
 Trusting
 Working within self-expectations
 Desired level of service vs Minimum level (keeping it realistic)
 Trusting Owner to decide what is/is not an acceptable level of service
 Identify the pleasure - Service to Owner as service to self

Eye contact
 Keeping focus when receiving direction
 Maintaining focus when responding
 Looking at vs. looking through

Corrections
 Hearing the correction
 Understanding the correction
 Ego removal
 Responding and offering gratitude for the Correction

Expressing Gratitude
 What the hell for?
 Understanding the service your Top provides
 You probably need it – even if you disagree.

Spiritual self-work
 Neuro-Elasticity vs. Samskaras
 The joy of sticking with it
 
Processing “negative” emotions
 Identifying uncomfortable emotions
 Examining the root – why is it so uncomfortable?
 What is the fear - what’s the worst that could happen?
 What to do with these emotions
 Is it necessary to express verbally?
 Productive ways to do so
 Identifying coping mechanisms / Ways to process productively

The discipline of focus
 Visualize goal
 Removing distraction
 Motivating self through reflecting on success

Learning to follow
 Being patient
 Micro-management
 Identifying what the fear is
 Remembering to trust
 Being flexible and open minded as service
 Being comfortable without a plan / Spontaneity
 Creating false objections to stay in ‘safe zone’
 Letting go and letting Owner be in charge
 Indecision
 Identifying when struggle for control is the root
 Asking for help when needed
 Respect

Identifying Milestones
 Identifying smaller achievements
 Remembering smaller achievements
 Rewarding smaller achievements (bidirectionally)

Protocol
 All Settings
 Mindfulness of Tone / Voice
 LISTENING: Learning to unfilter verbal information
 Identifying the filter
 Acknowledging the obstacle
 Listening to precise language
 SPEAKING: Learning to unfilter verbal information
 Identifying the filter / desire to spin
 Acknowledging the obstacle
 Speaking precisely
 Remaining open to response
 Integrating mindfulness
 Answering Questions
 Giving a straightforward answer
 Avoidance and defensiveness
 Answering a question with a question
 Interactions with others
 Vanilla settings
 Addressing Owner
 Tone used with terms of endearment, use of first name
 Walking / Travelling
 Food & Beverage
 Dining out
 Family Leisure time
 Public – kinky/private settings
 Addressing Owner – Syr, Daddy, my Owner
 Expectation removal
 Verbalizing desires
 Desire vs Need
 Accepting answers/responses – with trust
 Food & Beverage Service
 Playtime
 Providing sensual service
 Verbalizing headspace/mood
 Removal of intensity / impulse to drive a scenario
 Providing feedback
 How expectation removal allows for full immersion in scene
 Aftercare

Thinking....

Thinking of service these last few days - hard. Loving the hell out of making Syr's life easier. Loving the HELL out of making sure Her home is being run smoothly so She can enjoy the time She's at home more, and we can both feel more relaxed - me more grounded in my slavery and Her more able to spend what energy She does have on pleasurable things. Feeling very satisfied mentally/emotionally with our D/s these days because of how smoothly and naturally things seem to be going. Loving it.

Reflecting...

I've been reflecting the last couple of days about the D/s, Owner/slave dynamic between my Owner and I...

I don't know exactly what brought it to the forefront, but I have found myself going to some deeper places inside myself that I've not really gone in a long time.

I'm not sure if that makes sense.... but I think that our recent new status as empty nesters has stirred up some old feelings that, for many practical reasons, got shoved to the back.

I don't know what to call it. Back in the days of more formal communities online, I probably would have called it my slave heart. But that feels almost silly to say now. Maybe because I've grown up. Maybe because I see my Owner and my dynamic as a more organic, always-evolving thing now rather than something confined to specific labels or categories, though we are undeniably Owner/slave, that term doesn't resonate with me the way it used to, perhaps because I don't see things in the compartmentalized way that I used to.

That being said, I find myself looking closely at myself and my behavior through this deeper-service-slavey filter and realizing that in a lot of ways I've been falling down on the job for a long long time.

On the flip side, though, I see so many ways I have grown and evolved and matured and become self-maintaining (for lack of a better way to express that). So it's not like I'm sitting here berating myself or feeling guilty, necessarily.

I just see room for improvement... room for more gratitude and awareness and mindfulness. More room for making life easier for my Owner. But especially, more room for remembering my place all the time and not when things are easier.

I had really noticed when one of the man-kids was staying with us a couple days that my energy and attitude shifted noticeably when he was home, it really gave me pause to notice how not having privacy affected how I viewed myself within the context of our relationship and dynamic and I didn't like that.

Giving up control

Lately, I've been working on giving up more and more control - particularly when I notice old bad habits and dysfunctional behavior creeping up again. And by "when I notice", I mean when Syr points it out because it seems like lately I've been not noticing this stuff cropping up until after I've made a mistake. Often a big one. :(

So I'm working on it. Today was another moment of "ah ha" as I handed over control of my daily to do list to Syr. Sounds kinda silly to say that - like of course that should have been Hers this whole time. But it never really occurred to me to hand it all over like that.

Progress? definitely. Does it feel good? Safe? Healthy? absolutely!

There have been other big control shifts. I think it's easier for me to do this stuff now that we have less concerns over freaking out the youngest man-child, who still lives at home. He understands that we have a consensual power dynamic now that he's an adult. We still keep it subtle around him but there's less anxiety around trying to "hide" it. That makes little things like this way easier and more comfortable. I think it also makes it easier for Syr to remind me when I need reminding and to be more verbally aggressive when necessary to keep me in line - which in a way has eased a lot of stress for both of us, I think.

I'm happy with this latest development with the task list. Accountability has NEVER been a bad thing for me and usually results in a lot more mindfulness and awareness on my part.

Right this moment, I'm feeling grateful. And contained.

Gratitude

Yesterday, I was excitedly trying to explain to my Owner how the fact that I'd been bothered by a messy bed and felt like it needed to be fixed right away (as proof of a formed habit) made me proud of my new habit of making it every single day. But, She kept interrupting me to inform me that I should be grateful that I get to serve Her in that way. I thought She was missing the point, that I had noticed the new habit and was proud of myself. Really, I'd been missing the point. The exciting part really is that I am lucky enough to live the lifestyle I love - in service to someone I truly love and respect in all ways. And so in hindsight, I realize that the point really IS the gratitude. Thank You, Syr - for the granting me the privilege of serving You.

Breakthroughs

In spite of some stress that's going on in my life, lately, I feel like I've made some good breakthroughs when it comes to service. I'm grateful for that.

Lately I've been staying on top of the things that I know my Owner likes and providing them (usually) without reminders. I know I'm not perfect at it, but it's still really nice to see continuous (positive) progress!

Readjusting my attitude

Recently, I'd begun to notice a bit of complacency sneaking back into our day to day interactions.

I've learned that the more aware I am of my tone, my word choices, the ways that I ask for things or the ways that I communicate when I am cranky - the better I do at offering service from my heart, even the little things.

The other day, Syr asked me to do a minor errand while She worked on dinner. 

It was something where I was fixated on doing some things in a particular order. I can be a bit type A in that way. I like to do things in what "feels" to me to be the most efficient manner possible, which isn't necessarily always what my Owner actually wants. But I do sometimes get stuck on that.

This was one of those moments. I kept "asking" for clarification because Her way just wasn't making sense to me. It got to the point where I spent so much time negotiating (read: arguing), that I actually used up more time doing that than I would have if I had just done as She'd asked in the order She'd asked. And I ended up pushing too hard and Syr suddenly and abruptly (and quite sternly) said "Come here. Now."

It was Her tone, and that part of me that knew I was being stubborn that woke me up. I set down what I was carrying and went into the kitchen - meek as a mouse and feeling pretty ashamed of myself.

The lecture that ensued was much deserved, as was Her frustration. It was a simple task.

But something about the way She'd handled it, was a much needed wake-up call. A little poke that my attitude needed readjusting. And so that's what I've done. 

We have a lot of banter and play and a good dose of bratty push back in our dynamic, but it's important to me and to my Owner that the line is drawn when appropriate and that I will toe the line when needed. It's important for me to stay committed to that work. This was an opportunity for growth and awareness for me.

Yes, Syr

There is a hefty project I am working on for my Owner... a formal petition to be Her slave.

Now, some context is important for this assignment. I already am my Owner's property. The writing of a petition is an exercise designed to be instructive and enlightening for both of us. Syr made it pretty clear that She has an idea of what She hopes I will get out of it.

So, having never written anything like that, I used my "phone a friend" option and called a Dominant friend whom I know has received such petitions in the past to get some sort of feel for what they usually contain.

It was a wonderful conversation and it really got me thinking about my slavery in a new way. One of the things we ended up chatting about was the mundane day to day realities of life and how that can sometimes feel like it gets in the way of connecting to my Owner in a D/s way. There is a lack of privacy to consider among other complications and it just feels like we often get stuck in ruts.

One of my friend's tips was to take as many opportunities as I could to call my Owner by the honorific we use - Syr.

I admitted that I often feel shy about calling Her Syr out loud - even in private - unless we are in a very formal D/s sort of mindframe or environment. And the Dominant I was chatting with got right to the point (She's very direct!) and asked me three questions:

Are you ashamed of your Syr? (My answer: of course not!)
Are you ashamed of Her Dominant role in your life? (My answer: no!)
Do you like to compliment Her whenever you can? (My answer: *grinning* Yes!!)

"So call Her Syr every chance you get!"

Well... that really hit home.

I've found it easier to call Her Syr much much more often since that conversation. I've noticed that being mindful of calling Her Syr whenever it's realistic (which is much more often than I ever realized) makes it much easier to maintain my own submissive headspace and it allows me to feel more connected to Her in a D/s way even while we are doing totally mundane chores or errands.

I noticed that when some stressful life stuff came up, that it got harder again for a little while, but I'm cycling back into it. It's definitely a work in progress. Neither of us have tended to maintain much formality to our dynamic and yet it is always there, always present, and such an important part of who we are to each other.

It is a privilege to be able to call my Owner, "Syr", and so now when I get the opportunity to do so, I feel grateful and pleased and a lot less shy.

As to the petition - I am still hard at work on it. It is over 9 pages long and still growing. I am learning a lot about myself and what's important to me about my slavery in the process - so I have a feeling it's doing what Syr intended. I guess I'll find out when I am finished with it.

Money

I've always found it a wonderful form of "service" to manage Syr and my joint finances. By manage, I mean - painstakingly budget and track every expenditure, plan for debt repayment and ensure everything is always meticulously accurate.

It came naturally to me. I've always been the one to manage the money. In my prior relationship, I was the sole breadwinner for two adults. We didn't have a lot of money and we had some crazy medical expenses as my ex had type I diabetes (and no health insurance). It was stressful, but I did it well. It also always made me feel I had some semblance of control.

Syr and I were having a difficult conversation this weekend about my tendencies toward trying to control/micromanage little things. She has often complimented this about me because it has often really worked in our favour. I tend to take a project and run with it. This came in handy when we were going through the wedding planning and immigration process. But, while I am efficient and effective, I also don't have much experience trusting someone else to do their part. The wedding is a perfect example. Syr would offer to help, so I would give Her some small task to help us get ready - but I would often get to it before She had a chance - and by often, I mean most of the time.

I feel "helpful" when I do this. But, upon introspection, I also realized there was a core trust issue. I've never handed things over well. I like doing a job and doin git well but I must admit that I also like doing it MY way. And when I have enough (too much?) say-so in a project or task, I tend to micromanage or resent others trying to "help". I guess I'm not very good at sharing responsibility. I have this tendency to behave (and, if I'm being honest - to think) in a "if you do it, you won't do it right" sort of way.

Syr's always been content to let me handle the money since the bills are always paid on time and it's something that we both thought made me feel useful and something I thought was a good "service".

But what I realized is that I don't have much (any?) experience trusting that important things will get done if I'm not somehow either doing it myself or 'managing' the process. This leads to unhealthy controlling tendencies that don't make me feel very good. It makes me feel stressed and unsure and ungrounded and very much not contained.

I have always been terrified... like actually terrified... that one day Syr may decide that it's in my best interest for Her to handle the money for a while... to manage it... do the budget... pay the bills. She's threatened once or twice when I've behaved in too controlling of a way over the money.

But, this weekend when we were talking about one of the areas where my impulse to control rears its ugly head, I realized that I needed to give it up. I HATED the idea, like actually hated it. But I brought it up anyway. I told Her that I thought I should give up control of the money. I told Her why. I told Her that I feel like I haven't ever put myself in a position to trust anyone (even Her) with a big "job" that I am used to handling myself. I've never not been in charge of the money. Not ever. But I realized that this was not a good thing. I've never really let go of that 'need' to be in control and, let's face it, money is an area that has a lot of power in a relationship and/or family. It felt like the appropriate and healthy next step.

I can't tell you all how twitchy I got handing over the list of bills, amounts, and due dates, current balances and all of that. I KNOW she's not going to manage it the way I did. She's not going to budget like I did. She's not going to keep spreadsheets or apps or charts like I did. But there were some fundamental things I realized made sense. First, She and I have similar views on money and spending. It's not like She is careless with money or I am, or that either of us have expensive tastes. We both love a good bargain. I don't have to worry about that sort of stuff. But, She is better at saying no to me if there is something we want to do but can't afford - for obvious reasons. She is also excellent at working with a tight amount of money. She has more experience at that than I do and I thought I had a lot of experience. ;)  So I know that financially, we'll be fine - maybe even better - than we were when I was managing it.

But, more than that, it also feels like a huge and important trust move.  It feels like a huge and important personal growth move and one that may mellow me out in other areas. I don't LIKE being in control. I don't like the stress of it. I like to feel like I can take care of myself and that skill is not going to go away just because I'm not keeping spreadsheets of data and micromanaging every dollar. But honestly, I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to deal. To cope. And I needed to find that out. Is this a need/compulsion thing or is it just that I've never tried it any other way? I can be oh-so-resistant to change, don't ya know?

So, Syr is now in charge of the money. I was really nervous for the first 24 hours. I have no idea how She's going to do it. But, today, we went grocery shopping. And I can't tell you how relaxing it was... to not be in charge. To know that the financial decisions over how much we spent or how long stuff needed to last were all Hers and not mine.

This remarkable thing happened. I didn't feel the need to micromanage Her. I think I asked a few times if it was going to be okay (the amount we were spending) but I didn't actually feel the need to somehow steer Her (or the cart). I relaxed. I felt safe. I felt cared for. I felt nurtured. I felt... so relaxed. I breathed a couple really big deep breaths that were like happy sighs in the store. It actually felt like a big weight was off my shoulders.

I felt... little. :) I felt... fantastic!   It was like, I could just be me in the store, and I was all little girl and She was all Daddy and it felt so right. I just loved it. And loving it was a FAR cry from what I expected.  I'd expected to feel nervous... scared.... uptight... anxious. But no, what I felt was...

safe.

Amazing.