A little about Our story...

I was updating my Fetlife profile and ended up writing this. So I thought I would share it here...

My Owner collared me in January of 2006. She proposed that same week. But, the truth is, I belonged to Her even before then. The collar and the ring made it official.

I feel like I've known my Owner forever.

It never ceases to amaze me how She can understand why I'm doing something even before I do.

I am so grateful for Her gentle and loving leadership, patience, tenacity, understanding and care, especially in the ways She has worked hard to support me and help me heal from many years of family dysfunction and trauma. It's a journey and takes a lot of work and effort - but it is never a journey I walk alone, thanks to Her.

Our power-exchange dynamic has evolved many times since it first began. The reality of raising children together and our more recent reality of being empty nesters along with a slurry of family drama, work and financial drama, and many other factors cause necessary ebbs and flows in the realities of what our day to day looks like.

I have temporarily lost the right to wear Her collar during more than one of these hard times. Each time, I earned it back. However, more recently, I came close to losing it (but thankfully not Her) permanently. Syr will give up our dynamic before She gives up on our marriage. And if one has to go to save the other, go it will.

That was a difficult time and an incredible opportunity for growth and learning for me. I had lost sight of what mattered. I had become so focused on myself and my needs that I forgot, almost entirely, about Hers.

Thankfully, we had an opportunity for a real heart to heart talk right at that turning point - and thankfully in that moment, I truly listened and heard what She had to say. Had I not seen it for the wake up call it was, a lot would be different now. And so I am grateful, very grateful, to be sharing this life with Her because it is never simple, it is never easy, and being Hers demands that I hold myself to a very high standard. And so I continue to be incredibly committed to putting in the work - the work to be better, more mindful, more aware.

Syr often says that my abusive/dysfunctional/childhood past is not my fault - but it is my problem.

That sums it up. No matter the reason for the issues I struggle with, it is my "problem" - or, in other words, my responsibility to face what I need to face and to put in the work where it's needed to overcome what I can.

No matter what else happens, Syr has one primary requirement of me - and this requirement forms the foundation of not only our power exchange dynamic, but also of our marriage. And in this one singular requirement, I must never - ever fail:

**Never stop trying. Never stop making an effort.**

I'm going to screw up. Sometimes, I'm going to screw up badly. But the moment I turn to Her and say "Sorry, that's just how it is/i am. Too bad." is the moment that everything would unravel for us. Does this mean I have carte blanche to treat Her badly? No. But it does mean that She has an innate understanding of the nuances of a relationship like ours - not just the BDSM aspects of it, but the all-in commitment we have to one another.

She inspires me to be the best person I can be. Part of my motivation for that is that there is no better feeling in this world than Her pride in me. Part of my motivation is that I hope to be the wife, babygirl, partner, and slave that She deserves.

We talk about submission as a gift. And yes, it is. To give ones self over to someone else so completely is an act of trust. But loving Dominance and Mastery and Ownership and Daddyship(?) are also gifts. To own another, to take on that level of responsibility also requires a lot of work, a lot of commitment, a hell of a lot of patience and a lot of self-awareness.

I trust my Owner explicitly. I trust Her to ALWAYS act in my best interest - to always give me what I need, even if it's not what I want, and to keep me safe physically and emotionally.

But sometimes I fail in trusting. Sometimes trust is crazy hard. When we had our BIG TALK, the one where we had to decide the direction our relationship was going... I had to admit that sometimes I don't trust Her. Sometimes, that trust is a struggle for me. Sometimes my behavior belies a lack of trust. Sometimes fear and my past get in the way of trust.

And then we come full circle - because Syr has earned my trust - without question. And She is the first person to ever earn the level of trust I have in Her - but I still have further to go in the trust department. Trust issues arise for me for very valid reasons (again, abusive/dysfunctional childhood and past relationships play a very big role here).

So these trust issues may not be my fault. But they are my problem. And so I do my best to stay mindful. To be humble. To learn. To never fool myself into believing I have it all figured out. Because I don't. No one does.

We are all beautiful, human, works in progress. I am committed to the big work of being better. And grateful to have an Owner who not only supports this work - but demands it.

I couldn't imagine it being any other way.

Reflecting...

I've been reflecting the last couple of days about the D/s, Owner/slave dynamic between my Owner and I...

I don't know exactly what brought it to the forefront, but I have found myself going to some deeper places inside myself that I've not really gone in a long time.

I'm not sure if that makes sense.... but I think that our recent new status as empty nesters has stirred up some old feelings that, for many practical reasons, got shoved to the back.

I don't know what to call it. Back in the days of more formal communities online, I probably would have called it my slave heart. But that feels almost silly to say now. Maybe because I've grown up. Maybe because I see my Owner and my dynamic as a more organic, always-evolving thing now rather than something confined to specific labels or categories, though we are undeniably Owner/slave, that term doesn't resonate with me the way it used to, perhaps because I don't see things in the compartmentalized way that I used to.

That being said, I find myself looking closely at myself and my behavior through this deeper-service-slavey filter and realizing that in a lot of ways I've been falling down on the job for a long long time.

On the flip side, though, I see so many ways I have grown and evolved and matured and become self-maintaining (for lack of a better way to express that). So it's not like I'm sitting here berating myself or feeling guilty, necessarily.

I just see room for improvement... room for more gratitude and awareness and mindfulness. More room for making life easier for my Owner. But especially, more room for remembering my place all the time and not when things are easier.

I had really noticed when one of the man-kids was staying with us a couple days that my energy and attitude shifted noticeably when he was home, it really gave me pause to notice how not having privacy affected how I viewed myself within the context of our relationship and dynamic and I didn't like that.

New rituals

Syr implemented a new rule/ritual.

Within 10 minutes of either Her coming returning home or me returning home or (I should assume) upon waking if neither of us are going anywhere that day - I am to present myself, kneeling, bowing with my forehead on the floor.

"Who owns you?" She asks me.

"You do, Syr." I respond.

"Forever." She confirms.

"Yes, Syr." I reply.

It's a new rule. A new ritual. It's still something we're getting used to implementing. But I like it.... I like the way it feels.

Today, She put Her foot on the back of my neck.

And I could feel myself melting.

Packing. And I don't mean for a trip...

So, Syr has new(ish) jeans. And She wears them to work pretty regularly. I couldn't be happier that She's wearing jeans. And Her belt. Regularly. Because I think that's hot.

Sidenote: This morning while Syr was putting on Her belt, we were talking when suddenly She said She better stop and wait to finish because I won't hear anything until Her belt is on. I didn't hear Her when She said that. But when I tried to start talking, I drooled a little. True story.

Anyway, these new jeans are not quite so skin-tight as Her previous pair. Which leaves room for, well....

Her cock.

So, the other night, we were having a quiet night in, playing video games together, enjoying some couch time. And I went out to walk the dogs. When I came back in, we played games for another hour or so before She finally made a comment that brought my attention to the fact that A: She'd changed into jeans at some point from her usual comfy at-home pants and B: She was packing Ripper, our favourite of Her cocks. *blinkblink*

It was pretty hot, I'm not gonna lie. It wasn't very long after that, that Syr had me naked, Her jeans still on, and was fucking me six ways from Sunday.

That night ended in screaming orgasms, a lot of tears (of the releasey-awesome variety) and a very, very satiated slave-girl.

It was a good night. ;)

Syr's Belt

It's a simple moment.

Syr comes home from work. She wore the pants that She pairs with a belt.

I stare. At the buckle. At the belt. She follows my gaze, knowingly.

Syr unbuckles Her belt and slides it off.

That sound..... *shiver*

I turn around, brace my hands on the kitchen counter, sassily sticking my ass out behind me.

Syr obliges me.... looping Her belt in Her hand... placing a hand at the base of my neck to hold me in place... and delivers several hard smacks to the curve where my ass meets the top of my thighs... and then to my shoulders.

My knees tremble, threatening to buckle.

She stops with a chuckle.

I turn around, plant a kiss on Her neck.

"Thank You, Syr."

Service Mode

It feels "easy" to be in service mode (so far) in the new place. I don't know if it's the change of scenery, the fact that our new place is so nice, the fact that we have less stuff, the fact that everything's so organized and neat, or just our new start in a place all our own with all the privacy in the world. Whatever it is that's making this feel effortless and natural - I like it! I'm thinking Syr likes it too.

Awww.

Not feeling well...

So Daddy is giving me orange juice and making me homemade chicken noodle soup.

And She danced with me. In the living room. With no music.

So thankful for my life.

Feeling treasured and special and nurtured and warm and fuzzy and stuff.

Thoughts...

What I really want, right this moment, is to curl up in my Daddy's arms. And snuggle. With a blanket. And a puppy.

Having one of those kinda moments.

Just craving the nurturing. The softness. The tenderness.

(Next week, though, I'll probably just be craving a good hard beating.)

Chores

Spent the morning and early afternoon cleaning the house... having a bubble bath... and just being immersed in some healthy service mode time.

It felt good.

I thrive on routine.... and I think Syr's new job and our new empty-nest privacy are helping me to establish some new routines and.... I think I like it.

A lot.

Oops.

So just 24 hours after being reminded the first time, I had to be reminded again. Oops.

In "owning my stuff" category, I have to say that being reminded feels good. I wouldn't deliberately skip days in order to be reminded, but it is nice to see the input from Syr in writing......

I have this visceral reaction to Her words on paper (on screen). Perhaps it is because in the early days of our D/s, so much of it was words on pages or on screens. Assignments. Tasks. Punishments. Discipline. Scenes...

I've always responded from a very primal place to seeing Her words.... and it hasn't changed or lessened over the years. So that's sort of what's on my mind at this precise moment...

Reminded

Syr had to remind me to write because I've not been remotely consistent the last couple weeks. Oops. :-S

To say we have our "mojo" back, or have broken our dry spell is probably an understatement. ;)

The other day, I got home from work, walked into the kitchen, kissed Her, and asked Her if She wanted to fuck me...

She said yes and 10 minutes later, we were in the bedroom fucking like bunnies.

Epic.

Reset.

Privacy is awesome.

For the first time - ever - Syr and I are living on our own, just the two of us. All the privacies!

The other day, Syr bent me over and caned my ass until I squealed. A lot. It was unpleasant but the heat on my bum that radiated for the hour or two following was rather divine.

I really don't like sting. I really really don't. But I can't deny that anytime I get a good beating, the feelings that follow are pretty wonderful.

But .... later that night... life got even better.

Syr bent me over and gave me a delicious, delicious beating with Her belt. It had been sooo long since I'd felt the leather of Her belt on my bare skin and it was wonderful in every way.

After my sound beating, Syr took me hard, from behind until I begged to cum....

And then flipped me over to continue driving into me for... I don't know how long... before She let me... and by then my orgasm was so intense that I was crying.. hard.

I can't remember how many times I came. But I remember the way my thighs wouldn't stop shaking for almost an hour afterward.

And I managed to give Syr multiples too. ;) A good night. For sure.

And the best part? Getting to just toddle off to the bathroom naked for clean-up time without worrying about anyone seeing us.

Bliss.

3 Sentences

I feel like being able to integrate our dynamic into those mundane day to day moments is getting easier as we approach the time when we will have the house all to ourselves.

Today, I noticed I was much quicker to notice a bit of 'tude on my part because who my Owner is to me was top of mind - instead of back of mind.

I have this feeling, deep down, that some of the personal growth and communication stuff I've been working so hard on might just get a wee bit easier when we have more privacy. Maybe not hugely so, but enough to give it all a little boost.

Privacy... and soon.

The countdown is on until we are finally living alone - just the two of us.

Next Wednesday night though the evening itself is pretty busy so I doubt we'll do more than sleep when I finally get home.

But yesterday and today, Syr and I have exchanged several moments. Certainly the idea of our upcoming new (permanent) privacy is giving us our mojo back. I can't even imagine what it will be like to know that Syr can assert Her ownership at any time of the day, without warning - and in whatever manner She chooses.

It's both thrilling and reassuring to know that there need not be any censorship, nor mincing of words out of concern for how we might be overheard - or misinterpreted. Which means a lot more freedom and space to breathe in our regular day to day interactions.

The possibilities are endless....

3 Sentences

Today I didn't get a lot of time with my Owner....

but I was grateful that I had an opportunity to make Her a tea, something I'd been missing these last few mornings.

And I'm grateful that I got to refer to Her as Syr - because circumstances have made protocol difficult or unrealistic for the past week or more...

And I'm grateful that very, very soon it will just be the two of us living alone - and things will shift yet again - and I am looking forward to that privacy and the ability to manifest and integrate!

Gratitude... yes, again

Today, I was humbled when Syr pointed out to me that I hadn't been giving Her my full attention - far from it - and then later when I realized that pretty much all of the stuff that is uncomfortable for me - or takes me outside what i feel ready for is geared to further my own best interests.

In other words, Syr is constantly pushing me outside the linear path because it is one of the ways She works so hard to make my (and our) dreams come true. Sometimes it's hard to recognize because part of me still is worried it will all fall out from under me. But when I get locked up in that fear, I'm really just throwing eggshells down at my own feet.

So today I'm grateful for the push. Grateful for being given opportunities to explore possibilities - no matter how wild and crazy they might seem - because exploring possibilities is the ONLY reason I am where I am in my life right now, and without the constant pressure to step outside my comfort zone, it never would have happened.

So it stands to reason that to maintain this awesomeness - and to grow it into something sustainable, lots of "being outside my comfort zone" is necessary. In fact that is probably all it's going to be for a while.

Need to continue to work hard on faith and trust - particularly in the unknown.

3 Sentences of gratitude

I'm grateful for my Owner's involvement and support in all areas of my life.

I am grateful for the opportunity to pursue my dreams, even (especially?) when those dreams push me beyond the limits of what I think I'm comfortable with or ready for.

I am grateful for a warm bed at night and strong arms that hold me.

3 Sentences

I love my Owner.

I'm grateful for my Owner.

I feel safe with my Owner.

3 Sentences

Looking forward to the surprise trip my Owner is taking me on - and opportunities to connect and have some protocol and D/s and Daddy/girl time without interruption or lack of privacy.

Had moments today where I felt grateful for having the time and opportunity to serve my Owner's tea again (on my knees, properly) and other small moments of day to day loveliness.

And finally, I am about to go to bed and request the sleeping collar for the first time in a few weeks thanks to training and scheduling craziness and I'm VERY much looking forward to that.

Thoughts

Recently after some big ah ha moments with my Owner, She decided to give me a circular series of writing tasks - topics that repeat and this has taken the majority of my writing focus lately. Because the work is more stream of consciousness, it's written for Her eyes only and I haven't been posting it here. But I realized that it's nice sometimes just to note the little moments too...

So here I am.

Remembering that being in this relationship, this marriage - and this dynamic takes constant attention, mindfulness, and dedication. Sometimes those things slip - and when they do, they need a little kick in the ass. But lately I feel like I've been doing the kicking when it needs it so that it's not just Syr having to do it, which feels like growth and healthy and stuff. :) So there's that.