My Owner requested an update on how I'm feeling about my chores. It's been a while now. I'm not sure how long I've had daily little 5 minute minimum chores every day, but it's a pretty embedded routine now.
I think that there have been times that my consistency has been better (or worse) than at other times, but for the most part, I'm really keeping them in mind all the time. Some days I do quite a bit more than 5 minutes in each room. Some days, I do just about 5 minutes exactly. And, there have been days that I've spent just a few moments. But I've also noted that if I have missed a chore for any reason, that I often play "catch up" and clean any rooms I've missed at my next opportunity, so I think I feel a certain degree of ownership over the chores and making sure they get done.
It is a small but constant routine, though, that reminds me that I am doing them because I am owned and it is an expected service. This, alone, has done wonders for my mindset because it is an anchor point for when I first get home from work. And since I have an anchor point at bedtime, too, with the sleeping collar and ankle-cuff/chain combo - I have an anchor point at either end of my workday evenings. This has been really helpful. Weekends are a little bit more relaxed as I generally am only supposed to be doing the laundry-folding, but I often find myself a touch more service oriented on weekends, anyway, since I have additional time. I make sure to make my Owner's coffee most of the time on weekend mornings, for example.
I never thought I'd "like" chores, but the reality is that I have a sense of accomplishment for the little ways that this keeps our home more straightened up in the little ways that can more easily be neglected. And it has made my Owner feel more nurtured which is a huge perk.
All in all, I'm still really happy with them and so glad my Owner implemented them and that I followed through. We've really reached a new place with our D/s where it feels much more 'embedded' into our day. Between chores, bedtiime rituals, punishments, and such I am a lot more mindful of my place in the household and relationship on a more ongoing and consistent basis. This comes in handy when there is tension! ;)
An example.... Last night, Syr asked me to declutter my little shelf next to where my computer lives and - without over-analyzing - I totally reacted badly .... well overreacted really and was all kinds of out of line with tone and word-choice and stuff. I was getting so mad and upset and after arguing with me a bit, right in the middle of a tense moment, Syr just finally looked at me and said "You need to stop right now, go sit down on the couch and be quiet for a few minutes". I just looked at Her, the urge to say something, ANYTHING, was so strong. I opened my mouth and then shut it again and went and sat down. I felt as if I had been put on a 'time out'. So I just sat there quietly and thought about my behaviour (and obviously quickly realized I'd been behaving badly). Then, I had to fight the urge to try to "fix it" by offering an apology. I reminded myself that if Syr asked me to sit quietly for a few minutes, then Syr would tell me when it was time to talk again. I was actually mentally playing through all the scenarios of how long that might be. I pictured Her keeping me on 'quiet time' until it was time to sleep and how I would kneel by the bed but still not say anything (even apologize - eek hard!) until She told me to get into bed..... I went through all the possibilities and told myself that no matter what I was going to be quiet until She invited me to speak again, because that was all about trusting the order She'd given. It was really quite the mental process and I was actually really proud of how trusting I was able to be at that point. Thankfully, after about five minutes, Syr asked me some questions about the argument and i was feeling very softspoken and contrite and was able to answer Her questions respectfully. When She was done, I paused for a few moments and then apologized, sincerely, for my bad behaviour. And we went to bed, both content with how things had been resolved.
This sort of interaction just wouldn't have happened like this even a few months ago. But the more embedded the D/s gets into our day to day world, the easier it gets to allow it space when it is needed. I feel very grateful for this new level of consistency and reality within the power exchange of our relationship.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Sleeping soundly
I've been sleeping very soundly, recently. I credit a number of things for the renewed sense of security and restfulness that I wake up with each morning.
Among these is my deeper sense of submission and obedience that has been unwavering since my epiphany a few weeks ago. Trust, faith, and service come easily or at least easier these days, and it is as if I am more in touch with myself. I am more self-aware and more able to curb negative behaviour patterns before they even start. Moments that, pre-epiphany, would have certainly led to a great deal of tension or even an argument instead seem to more often morph into conversation, most of the time shortly after I have voluntarily sat or kneeled down on the floor in front of my Owner to continue the discussion.
And along with this new sense of ease with my submission, there is an increased self-confidence and pride in my ability to overcome the negative habits of my past - which then makes it even easier to continue along this path.
And then there are rituals that have been very, very good for both of us.
There are the chores that I have written about, previously, that are becoming almost automatic. They are nearly habitual - though I still have to make a conscious effort to remember each day, the remembering is easy. Coming home from work, my chores are nearly always the very first thing I do. And as I complete each task I am reminded of my role in the household and to my Owner, and garner a deep sense of satisfaction from knowing I am being a very good girl - and without prompting or reminding from Syr. I have also noticed that my chores act as a segue between my work day and my at-home evening. The 15-30 minutes of quiet activity give me time to clear my head and shake free lingering stresses from my work day and slip into the softer energy and role I have in our home.
Of course, I have already written about the introduction of more serious forms of punishment into our dynamic. Syr has been unfailing in Her follow-through in this area and I am eternally grateful for the solidity that this has granted. I have found myself even more surprised, in an amused sort of way, at my compulsion to confess infractions - even knowing what awaits me as punishment. She has not held back from delivering on promised punishments even when mundane/vanilla life circumnstances could have distracted Her. The other night, for example, I had confessed to the breaking of a rule and knew I had a punishment coming. I fell asleep that evening on the couch while She played on the computer and when She took me upstairs to bed, a part of me was convinced She had forgotten, but She hadn't and She followed through in spite of the lateness of the hour and how sleepy we both were. I am grateful for the consistency because it is working. A rule I used to struggle on a near hourly basis not to break, I am suddenly only breaking a few times a week, sometimes less. It's a big success because it has been a very long-standing bad (mostly subconscious) habit. And I know that these punishments will eventually extend to other broken rules or infractions as well and I find that I am still so grateful for that and so glad for the boundaries it has created.
And then there is bedtime...
Syr recently began putting me in a simple collar every night for sleeping. The collar was bought, intended to be a "sleeping collar", and has been a wonderful anchor point in our day. At bedtime, I kneel by the bed, and other than my position it is not an overly formal moment. It is just that it is intimate and real and potent for me to remember my place each evening before I go to sleep. The click of the collar snapping shut never ceases to jolt me sharply with the reminder that I am owned, always.
And even more recently, Syr had the idea to begin chaining me into bed each evening. I embraced this idea with a great deal of enthusiasm. I was so sure I would love it - and I did. Syr very subtly attached the chain leash to a steel post in the base of the bed in such a way that the chain is very easily hidden and can stay set up at all times. On the clip end of the chain is a single ankle cuff. Each night after my collar is put in place and I have been given permission (whether verbal or nonverbal) to climb into bed, Syr attaches the ankle cuff and I feel the coolness of the chain and the security of my restriction. And I sleep..... like a baby.
To avoid disturbing Syr in the morning, I remove the cuff myself when I wake in the morning, and if She is sleeping soundly, I will remove the sleeping collar myself too, though most mornings - She does that, even if groggy. This doesn't take away from the meaning of the two things as I have not once sought to remove either item before the appropriate time and I am being held willfully after all. The collar and cuff are something I look forward to every night.
These rituals have their part to play but I know that it is a combination of all these things that have led to this increased sense of peace and security in myself and in my relationship with my Owner. It's always been there, it's just that I'm more in touch with it now.
I'm so in love.
Among these is my deeper sense of submission and obedience that has been unwavering since my epiphany a few weeks ago. Trust, faith, and service come easily or at least easier these days, and it is as if I am more in touch with myself. I am more self-aware and more able to curb negative behaviour patterns before they even start. Moments that, pre-epiphany, would have certainly led to a great deal of tension or even an argument instead seem to more often morph into conversation, most of the time shortly after I have voluntarily sat or kneeled down on the floor in front of my Owner to continue the discussion.
And along with this new sense of ease with my submission, there is an increased self-confidence and pride in my ability to overcome the negative habits of my past - which then makes it even easier to continue along this path.
And then there are rituals that have been very, very good for both of us.
There are the chores that I have written about, previously, that are becoming almost automatic. They are nearly habitual - though I still have to make a conscious effort to remember each day, the remembering is easy. Coming home from work, my chores are nearly always the very first thing I do. And as I complete each task I am reminded of my role in the household and to my Owner, and garner a deep sense of satisfaction from knowing I am being a very good girl - and without prompting or reminding from Syr. I have also noticed that my chores act as a segue between my work day and my at-home evening. The 15-30 minutes of quiet activity give me time to clear my head and shake free lingering stresses from my work day and slip into the softer energy and role I have in our home.
Of course, I have already written about the introduction of more serious forms of punishment into our dynamic. Syr has been unfailing in Her follow-through in this area and I am eternally grateful for the solidity that this has granted. I have found myself even more surprised, in an amused sort of way, at my compulsion to confess infractions - even knowing what awaits me as punishment. She has not held back from delivering on promised punishments even when mundane/vanilla life circumnstances could have distracted Her. The other night, for example, I had confessed to the breaking of a rule and knew I had a punishment coming. I fell asleep that evening on the couch while She played on the computer and when She took me upstairs to bed, a part of me was convinced She had forgotten, but She hadn't and She followed through in spite of the lateness of the hour and how sleepy we both were. I am grateful for the consistency because it is working. A rule I used to struggle on a near hourly basis not to break, I am suddenly only breaking a few times a week, sometimes less. It's a big success because it has been a very long-standing bad (mostly subconscious) habit. And I know that these punishments will eventually extend to other broken rules or infractions as well and I find that I am still so grateful for that and so glad for the boundaries it has created.
And then there is bedtime...
Syr recently began putting me in a simple collar every night for sleeping. The collar was bought, intended to be a "sleeping collar", and has been a wonderful anchor point in our day. At bedtime, I kneel by the bed, and other than my position it is not an overly formal moment. It is just that it is intimate and real and potent for me to remember my place each evening before I go to sleep. The click of the collar snapping shut never ceases to jolt me sharply with the reminder that I am owned, always.
And even more recently, Syr had the idea to begin chaining me into bed each evening. I embraced this idea with a great deal of enthusiasm. I was so sure I would love it - and I did. Syr very subtly attached the chain leash to a steel post in the base of the bed in such a way that the chain is very easily hidden and can stay set up at all times. On the clip end of the chain is a single ankle cuff. Each night after my collar is put in place and I have been given permission (whether verbal or nonverbal) to climb into bed, Syr attaches the ankle cuff and I feel the coolness of the chain and the security of my restriction. And I sleep..... like a baby.
To avoid disturbing Syr in the morning, I remove the cuff myself when I wake in the morning, and if She is sleeping soundly, I will remove the sleeping collar myself too, though most mornings - She does that, even if groggy. This doesn't take away from the meaning of the two things as I have not once sought to remove either item before the appropriate time and I am being held willfully after all. The collar and cuff are something I look forward to every night.
These rituals have their part to play but I know that it is a combination of all these things that have led to this increased sense of peace and security in myself and in my relationship with my Owner. It's always been there, it's just that I'm more in touch with it now.
I'm so in love.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Awareness
Ever since this new shift in our dynamic, I have been finding myself increasingly aware of the way that I act and talk to my Owner. I mean, it seems like basics, right? But it's so easy to become complacent.
It's not something I'm forcing, but it's happening naturally. Syr says She would really like a coffee while we're running around doing errands. She never says another thing about it, but when we get home, I just remember and make Her a coffee. It's little service things like that that are becoming increasingly natural for me to do.
When it comes to speaking, I'm a nitpicky personality and it can be habit for me to make little comments about annoying little household maintenance things. Often, I'll just make a quick little flippant comment and go about my day. It's not one of my more attractive qualities, though, and I'm fairly confident not one that Syr finds particularly charming.
In any case, this morning while stumbling into the kitchen to make coffee, I noticed the lid to the sugar dish had been left off, again. I wasn't really very awake and started to say something about it and then just stopped. Like I literally started to make a flippant comment and the first syllable was out and then my mouth snapped shut. I knew I had to find a better way to say it ... but it took four open mouth to speak then stop moments to find the respectful tone I was searching for in my not-yet-caffeinated brain. I found it, though, and my Owner, while partially amused at all the stops and starts, noted that I often make those types of comments without thinking at my most awake of moments and here I was, groggy and by all rights should be at my worst for being able to pay attention to things like tone and yet... I had.
Boundaries seem to make a significant difference in things like attitude and the ease with which I might move into and out of 'service mode'. One could argue that, as Her slave, I should be in service mode at all times, but we're realistic and there is a difference between being 'willing' to provide service to my Owner when She asks for something (which i almost always am) and being eager to. The moods where I am "eager" to provide service are certainly mood based and usually these modes are when I'm going way above the call of duty. What is cool is that these moments are happening more and more frequently to the absolute delight of us both.
A little later on this morning and into the early afternoon, I was having a wierd day mood-wise so I was feeling sassy and bratty. I was feeling off kilter, out of balance, and generally just sorta off and on grumpy. It wasn't a big deal at all but when Syr got home from work I just was struggling hard to find that little place. Syr wasn't minding too much the place I was in. She enjoys having a bratty submissive at times. She doesn't want me always on perfect behaviour. She likes the take down as much as I enjoy it on occasion and we've gotten good at communicating when She's in the mood to be amused by bratty behaviour and when it's way out of line.
But, She also recognized in the midst of my bits of brattiness this afternoon, that I was not entirely comfy being in a bratty headspace. So, when I was kneeling in front of Her in the living room and made a smart-ass comment, She slapped me across the face - hard - and smiled, certainly sadistically, as my brattiness bottomed out and I tumbled deep into the recesses of my submission once again. Moments later, breathless, I begged Her to take my breath and She happily complied, sealing my mouth and nose tightly with Her hand as I struggled and then, released me. As I gasped, She pulled me tight against Her and I floated once more in the submissive place I had been struggling to find, unable to resist brushing my fingers against the heat still lingering on my cheek.
She'd had Her fun with my brattiness, and knew when it was to my benefit to make it stop - and She did so with astounding efficiency. And lo and behold, it wasn't but an hour later that I was happily giving Her a bit of a mini manicure, doing laundry and dishes and puttering happily around the house.
I love my life.
It's not something I'm forcing, but it's happening naturally. Syr says She would really like a coffee while we're running around doing errands. She never says another thing about it, but when we get home, I just remember and make Her a coffee. It's little service things like that that are becoming increasingly natural for me to do.
When it comes to speaking, I'm a nitpicky personality and it can be habit for me to make little comments about annoying little household maintenance things. Often, I'll just make a quick little flippant comment and go about my day. It's not one of my more attractive qualities, though, and I'm fairly confident not one that Syr finds particularly charming.
In any case, this morning while stumbling into the kitchen to make coffee, I noticed the lid to the sugar dish had been left off, again. I wasn't really very awake and started to say something about it and then just stopped. Like I literally started to make a flippant comment and the first syllable was out and then my mouth snapped shut. I knew I had to find a better way to say it ... but it took four open mouth to speak then stop moments to find the respectful tone I was searching for in my not-yet-caffeinated brain. I found it, though, and my Owner, while partially amused at all the stops and starts, noted that I often make those types of comments without thinking at my most awake of moments and here I was, groggy and by all rights should be at my worst for being able to pay attention to things like tone and yet... I had.
Boundaries seem to make a significant difference in things like attitude and the ease with which I might move into and out of 'service mode'. One could argue that, as Her slave, I should be in service mode at all times, but we're realistic and there is a difference between being 'willing' to provide service to my Owner when She asks for something (which i almost always am) and being eager to. The moods where I am "eager" to provide service are certainly mood based and usually these modes are when I'm going way above the call of duty. What is cool is that these moments are happening more and more frequently to the absolute delight of us both.
A little later on this morning and into the early afternoon, I was having a wierd day mood-wise so I was feeling sassy and bratty. I was feeling off kilter, out of balance, and generally just sorta off and on grumpy. It wasn't a big deal at all but when Syr got home from work I just was struggling hard to find that little place. Syr wasn't minding too much the place I was in. She enjoys having a bratty submissive at times. She doesn't want me always on perfect behaviour. She likes the take down as much as I enjoy it on occasion and we've gotten good at communicating when She's in the mood to be amused by bratty behaviour and when it's way out of line.
But, She also recognized in the midst of my bits of brattiness this afternoon, that I was not entirely comfy being in a bratty headspace. So, when I was kneeling in front of Her in the living room and made a smart-ass comment, She slapped me across the face - hard - and smiled, certainly sadistically, as my brattiness bottomed out and I tumbled deep into the recesses of my submission once again. Moments later, breathless, I begged Her to take my breath and She happily complied, sealing my mouth and nose tightly with Her hand as I struggled and then, released me. As I gasped, She pulled me tight against Her and I floated once more in the submissive place I had been struggling to find, unable to resist brushing my fingers against the heat still lingering on my cheek.
She'd had Her fun with my brattiness, and knew when it was to my benefit to make it stop - and She did so with astounding efficiency. And lo and behold, it wasn't but an hour later that I was happily giving Her a bit of a mini manicure, doing laundry and dishes and puttering happily around the house.
I love my life.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
The power of a sore bottom
I have a very, very sore bottom today. I broke a rule yesterday, while I was at work, and confessing the breaking of it did not absolve me of a deserved punishment when I got home.
My Owner had me pull my pants and panties down, exposing my bottom, and lay face down on the bed. I've taken to grabbing a nearby pillow for these disciplinary sessions to muffle my cries. She used "the red thing" (which has yet to have a proper name but in its former life was intended to be a plastic japanese-style rug beater). And I begged, pleaded, cried and still the blows came. She stopped when I was sobbing and quite contrite, my bottom burning from the sting of the punishment She'd delivered. After, She held me and reminded me of the reason for my punishment before having me pull my panties and pants back up so that we could go out for the evening.
Words can not describe how different ... and how deeply contained and truly owned I feel knowing that She is willing to discipline me in this way. It's not something either of us really had experience with. I'd been punished before but somehow, those always felt as if I had a measure of control - both with Her and in previous relationships. It always felt like discipline would be within a sort of jointly acceptable "comfort zone" even if unpleasant. But these implements being used of late to discipline me are not comfortable, and more so I find that She doesn't stop simply because I beg for Her too. My attempts to say "wait... just a break for a moment..." or whatever it is I am pleading while She is delivering a punishment fall on deaf ears and there is something so ... powerful about that. There is NOTHING about the experience of being on the receiving end of this discipline that I have any control over whatsoever. I realize that this is exactly how it SHOULD be, but my Owner and I are learning much of this together. I came into the relationship with more kink "experience" but that mostly amounted to past relationships which had few similarities to this one. My relationship with my Owner is many things but it is deeper, more complete, more absolutely connected than any from my past and so things still need figuring as we go along.
The power of this recent journey into corporal punishment was confirmed for me when later that evening, due to lack of sleep and a number of other factors, I got distracted and broke the same rule a second time. In absolute honesty, I was feeling little but I was also very zoney and distracted. We were with company but we were in a situation that required vanilla context. Despite the stingy soreness of my already punished bottom, I didn't pay close enough attention and made the same mistake I had made earlier that day. I will admit that, mostly since this whole punishment thing is new, I really thought that my Owner would overlook it. She is only really recently starting to play with the feeling of actual sadism. In the past, the major driving force behind Her enjoyment of hurting me has come from the effect it is having on me. But, more recently, She has been discovering some of the darker joys to be had in enjoying it because She actually LIKES hurting me. In any case, much of this is new enough that I really didn't think She would punish me in such a harsh physical way twice in the same evening. And, I also really sort of thought that since it was so late at night and so tempting to just tumble right into bed that She would forget or get distracted or just decide She wasn't up for it.
I was wrong. She assured me I would be punished before bed and even though we spent the next hour or two talking about mundane things, when we went upstairs, She had me strip to my bare bottom and lay down in the same place on the bed. I found this surprising, and equally surprising that She did not go a bit 'easier' on my poor, already sore bottom. Amid my tears, I felt a new wave of something - and at the risk of sounding offensive would say it was like a deeper core level of respect. She wasn't going to forget and She wasn't going to be inconsistent. These were hard lines... boundaries She had drawn and She was fully intending to hold them. There is nothing for me to do but surrender, and trust. And that is a really powerful thing.
My bottom is still so sore today, and I am astounded that I can feel such immense gratitude, such overwhelming containment, such purity of submission and even pleasure at the effect of the punishment - and yet be so absolutely terrified of the punishment itself. I have ascertained that this combination means that the punishment is WORKING, but the juxtaposition of my emotions is still so fascinating, which I suppose must be fairly obvious to those who read this blog since I have so repetitively been writing about this topic. ;)
My Owner had me pull my pants and panties down, exposing my bottom, and lay face down on the bed. I've taken to grabbing a nearby pillow for these disciplinary sessions to muffle my cries. She used "the red thing" (which has yet to have a proper name but in its former life was intended to be a plastic japanese-style rug beater). And I begged, pleaded, cried and still the blows came. She stopped when I was sobbing and quite contrite, my bottom burning from the sting of the punishment She'd delivered. After, She held me and reminded me of the reason for my punishment before having me pull my panties and pants back up so that we could go out for the evening.
Words can not describe how different ... and how deeply contained and truly owned I feel knowing that She is willing to discipline me in this way. It's not something either of us really had experience with. I'd been punished before but somehow, those always felt as if I had a measure of control - both with Her and in previous relationships. It always felt like discipline would be within a sort of jointly acceptable "comfort zone" even if unpleasant. But these implements being used of late to discipline me are not comfortable, and more so I find that She doesn't stop simply because I beg for Her too. My attempts to say "wait... just a break for a moment..." or whatever it is I am pleading while She is delivering a punishment fall on deaf ears and there is something so ... powerful about that. There is NOTHING about the experience of being on the receiving end of this discipline that I have any control over whatsoever. I realize that this is exactly how it SHOULD be, but my Owner and I are learning much of this together. I came into the relationship with more kink "experience" but that mostly amounted to past relationships which had few similarities to this one. My relationship with my Owner is many things but it is deeper, more complete, more absolutely connected than any from my past and so things still need figuring as we go along.
The power of this recent journey into corporal punishment was confirmed for me when later that evening, due to lack of sleep and a number of other factors, I got distracted and broke the same rule a second time. In absolute honesty, I was feeling little but I was also very zoney and distracted. We were with company but we were in a situation that required vanilla context. Despite the stingy soreness of my already punished bottom, I didn't pay close enough attention and made the same mistake I had made earlier that day. I will admit that, mostly since this whole punishment thing is new, I really thought that my Owner would overlook it. She is only really recently starting to play with the feeling of actual sadism. In the past, the major driving force behind Her enjoyment of hurting me has come from the effect it is having on me. But, more recently, She has been discovering some of the darker joys to be had in enjoying it because She actually LIKES hurting me. In any case, much of this is new enough that I really didn't think She would punish me in such a harsh physical way twice in the same evening. And, I also really sort of thought that since it was so late at night and so tempting to just tumble right into bed that She would forget or get distracted or just decide She wasn't up for it.
I was wrong. She assured me I would be punished before bed and even though we spent the next hour or two talking about mundane things, when we went upstairs, She had me strip to my bare bottom and lay down in the same place on the bed. I found this surprising, and equally surprising that She did not go a bit 'easier' on my poor, already sore bottom. Amid my tears, I felt a new wave of something - and at the risk of sounding offensive would say it was like a deeper core level of respect. She wasn't going to forget and She wasn't going to be inconsistent. These were hard lines... boundaries She had drawn and She was fully intending to hold them. There is nothing for me to do but surrender, and trust. And that is a really powerful thing.
My bottom is still so sore today, and I am astounded that I can feel such immense gratitude, such overwhelming containment, such purity of submission and even pleasure at the effect of the punishment - and yet be so absolutely terrified of the punishment itself. I have ascertained that this combination means that the punishment is WORKING, but the juxtaposition of my emotions is still so fascinating, which I suppose must be fairly obvious to those who read this blog since I have so repetitively been writing about this topic. ;)
Processing a meltdown
My Owner asked me to write about an emotional meltdown that I had the other night. In part, this is because I had a pretty intense reaction to something and She wants to make sure that I have really thought it through and processed what happened and why. And, in part, I think She's looking for further insight into what might have caused such an episode.
Having had some space and time from it, as it happened on Thursday night, I am definitely in a better place to be able to really evaluate it and so I spent a great deal of time thinking about it last night and this morning, so here goes.
Thursday night, Syr and I were working on transferring some files over from a borrowed hard drive onto ours. The download was going to be rather lengthy and therefore my computer was out of commission, for the most part, during the file transfer. I had come home from work and spent the majority of my evening cooking a lovely dinner for my Owner and family as well as preparing a couple of desserts to bring to a dinner party we would be attending the following evening. Tired and distracted after cooking, I plopped onto the couch and habitually/instinctively pulled the table my computer was sitting on closer to me like I usually would if I was about to do something on it. But, unlike any other time I have done this, there were cords and borrowed equipment attached to it and along with the computer came the borrowed hardware that had been set up on a second table and it fell to the floor with a very large and shocking thunk.
You know that sick feeling you get when you just KNOW that it's not going to be okay? It was like that. I instinctively and immediately knew I'd busted the thing. It was confirmed when the file transfer suddenly shot up all kinds of errors. We tried to see if it was just a file transfer interruptus problem or if it was a hardware problem but either way, the data was messed up. Thankfully, we knew we had the means to replace the hard drive AND we knew the data on it was completely backed up in another location so we THOUGHT it would all somehow work out. But I, steely calm while we tried to fix it, was freaking the heck out inside.
Syr had me call the friends we'd borrowed it from to break the news. Our friends were wonderfully understanding. So much so that I suddenly burst into tears, was unable to talk, and handed the phone to my Owner who wrapped up the call and then tried very hard to be patient while I completely melted down. I was a sobbing, pathetic wreck for quite a while and Syr and I had a few tense moments while She tried to figure out what was going on. I couldn't articulate just why or how I felt SO badly but I really did.
Later that evening, once I'd calmed down, even I was surprised at how upset I had gotten over something that was so clearly fixable but I just really had felt terrible.
In retrospect, a few things became clear.
1. My hormones were *raging* which was totally confirmed when I started my period today. LOL. In all seriousness, I get crazy mood swings in the few days leading up to my period. Sorry if that's too much info, dear readers, but its the truth!
2. I had been, for whatever reason, in MAJOR service mode at the time this happened. I'd been in that sort of mood where I want to cook something delicious and fabulous and pretty and fancy for my Owner (which I had just done) and also make something for our friends that would make Her proud of me. I love doing things like that and these things often make me feel very little, submissive, and very very invested in the opinions and pride of my Owner - which can and often does sometimes leave me particularly sensitive to doing ANYTHING wrong or making even the slightest (correctable) mistake.
3. My Owner had suggested earlier that evening that I avoid going on my computer during the file transfer. It hadn't been an order, and if nothing had gotten broken would have not been a big deal at all that I went on the computer, but that really stuck in my head and I kept feeling as if I had disobeyed Her and ALSO broke our friends stuff.
4. Totally unrelated to the hard drive incident at all, some stuff is going on with one of my other friendships that, while not at the forefront of my mind that day, was certainly lingering on my mind and the bits of stress floating around about that might have really left me feeling more raw and sensitive than usual. I am doing something new with the stress going on there in really taking more time than I am used to, to figure out what the next steps are and that's not something I have any experience with and sitting in a place of ambiguity can be really quite challenging for me and would certainly be playing a part in some underlying stress.
Really, all three things combined left me RIPE for a melt down and I think partially I just was really tender and ready for something to trigger a really good cry anyway. I really think, in hindsight, that if only one of those factors had been at play, I would have not gotten SO upset, but the combination of all four was just killer.
Having gone out today and gotten the replacement drive for our friends and with the file transfer in place from the backup source to replace the data that was lost - it all seems so silly that I got so very upset, but it was what it was. I actually feel a lot more sane, now, realizing how many different factors were at play at the time. It seems to make more sense that I got so devastatingly upset about something that - in the grand scheme of the world - was really not that big of a problem.
Having had some space and time from it, as it happened on Thursday night, I am definitely in a better place to be able to really evaluate it and so I spent a great deal of time thinking about it last night and this morning, so here goes.
Thursday night, Syr and I were working on transferring some files over from a borrowed hard drive onto ours. The download was going to be rather lengthy and therefore my computer was out of commission, for the most part, during the file transfer. I had come home from work and spent the majority of my evening cooking a lovely dinner for my Owner and family as well as preparing a couple of desserts to bring to a dinner party we would be attending the following evening. Tired and distracted after cooking, I plopped onto the couch and habitually/instinctively pulled the table my computer was sitting on closer to me like I usually would if I was about to do something on it. But, unlike any other time I have done this, there were cords and borrowed equipment attached to it and along with the computer came the borrowed hardware that had been set up on a second table and it fell to the floor with a very large and shocking thunk.
You know that sick feeling you get when you just KNOW that it's not going to be okay? It was like that. I instinctively and immediately knew I'd busted the thing. It was confirmed when the file transfer suddenly shot up all kinds of errors. We tried to see if it was just a file transfer interruptus problem or if it was a hardware problem but either way, the data was messed up. Thankfully, we knew we had the means to replace the hard drive AND we knew the data on it was completely backed up in another location so we THOUGHT it would all somehow work out. But I, steely calm while we tried to fix it, was freaking the heck out inside.
Syr had me call the friends we'd borrowed it from to break the news. Our friends were wonderfully understanding. So much so that I suddenly burst into tears, was unable to talk, and handed the phone to my Owner who wrapped up the call and then tried very hard to be patient while I completely melted down. I was a sobbing, pathetic wreck for quite a while and Syr and I had a few tense moments while She tried to figure out what was going on. I couldn't articulate just why or how I felt SO badly but I really did.
Later that evening, once I'd calmed down, even I was surprised at how upset I had gotten over something that was so clearly fixable but I just really had felt terrible.
In retrospect, a few things became clear.
1. My hormones were *raging* which was totally confirmed when I started my period today. LOL. In all seriousness, I get crazy mood swings in the few days leading up to my period. Sorry if that's too much info, dear readers, but its the truth!
2. I had been, for whatever reason, in MAJOR service mode at the time this happened. I'd been in that sort of mood where I want to cook something delicious and fabulous and pretty and fancy for my Owner (which I had just done) and also make something for our friends that would make Her proud of me. I love doing things like that and these things often make me feel very little, submissive, and very very invested in the opinions and pride of my Owner - which can and often does sometimes leave me particularly sensitive to doing ANYTHING wrong or making even the slightest (correctable) mistake.
3. My Owner had suggested earlier that evening that I avoid going on my computer during the file transfer. It hadn't been an order, and if nothing had gotten broken would have not been a big deal at all that I went on the computer, but that really stuck in my head and I kept feeling as if I had disobeyed Her and ALSO broke our friends stuff.
4. Totally unrelated to the hard drive incident at all, some stuff is going on with one of my other friendships that, while not at the forefront of my mind that day, was certainly lingering on my mind and the bits of stress floating around about that might have really left me feeling more raw and sensitive than usual. I am doing something new with the stress going on there in really taking more time than I am used to, to figure out what the next steps are and that's not something I have any experience with and sitting in a place of ambiguity can be really quite challenging for me and would certainly be playing a part in some underlying stress.
Really, all three things combined left me RIPE for a melt down and I think partially I just was really tender and ready for something to trigger a really good cry anyway. I really think, in hindsight, that if only one of those factors had been at play, I would have not gotten SO upset, but the combination of all four was just killer.
Having gone out today and gotten the replacement drive for our friends and with the file transfer in place from the backup source to replace the data that was lost - it all seems so silly that I got so very upset, but it was what it was. I actually feel a lot more sane, now, realizing how many different factors were at play at the time. It seems to make more sense that I got so devastatingly upset about something that - in the grand scheme of the world - was really not that big of a problem.
Thursday, April 01, 2010
"Take what you're given, slave"
My Owner is fucking me, hard and fast when suddenly, She stops for a moment. Pausing, She looks at me and waits for my whimper of need before slowly beginning to move once more. Only now, She deliberately moves in long, slow strokes - teasing me and building anticipation. I arch up, pressing my hips up, arching, trying to take Her deeper, digging my fingernails into Her ass, begging wordlessly for more.. faster. And She replies by stopping and issuing a warning. "Take what you're given, slave. Just relax.. breathe.. and take what you're given." And as She speaks the words my body lets go of held tension and relaxes, melting, surrendering to each stroke, realizing that She is in control, always, and in trusting Her, the sweetest bliss is achieved.
Her reminder to take what I am given is, in these moments, incredibly sexy and intoxicating, but I'd not paused to consider its implications in the rest of our interactions. As long time readers of my blog will know, I struggle with a tendency to try to "help" by micromanaging or subconsciously manipulating a situation to achieve a desired result. While i'm happiest while in full surrender, giving myself over to trust, years and years of bad patterns built the impulse to try to control, first. My Owner is doing a wonderful job helping me in this regard, but sometimes it's frustrating.
Today, Syr mentioned the possibility of a reward for good behaviour. Immediately, I began imagining what a reward might look like in light of the recent punishments. I had visions of good girl spankings and special service related rewards like a night in full collar service despite the possible impracticalities of my fantasy. These visions stuck in my head and lingered there. And so, later this afternoon when Syr told me what some of Her ideas might be for a reward, I tried to "help". In the moment, I thought my intention was to let Her know there were other options than those She'd mentioned that would not cost any money. But, it made my Owner feel, instead, as if I was dismissive of Her ideas in lieu of my own.
I got so upset, because I really thought my motives were good - just trying to help. But after frustrating Her and I think making Her angry, I had to take some time to think it over (as She had to go to work). I was really distraught at first trying to figure out what was so 'bad' about having made suggestions. And then I looked at the whole interaction again, mentally, this time from the position of "impartial observer" (or at least tried to), and instantly spotted the problem.
From this mental observer position, I could clearly identify that I had some little fantasy in my head and so was trying to steer (read: micromanage.... control) Syr toward the fantasy. I didn't even have a clear idea of what that fantasy was or looked like or the different ideas within the general theme of "D/s reward" and so it was ambiguous, which of course would be frustrating. I totally get in hindsight why my Owner was frustrated and angry about my behaviour. In Her shoes I would have felt like I was being given a very narrow window of options to choose that would be "acceptable" and that is NOT my role. And, in any relationship, is an unnecessary trap to put one's partner in.
And so after thinking all of this through for about thirty minutes, I remembered my Owner's reminders to "take what i am given" in the context described at the beginning of this entry. I realized that I need to work on this in our non-sexual encounters more. How ungrateful of me to try to micromanage a reward that She was considering offering me for when I am a good girl! It must have felt yucky, indeed, to get such a stingy response from Her little girl.
I feel disappointed in myself for that, now, and wish I had been able to slip into the observer mindset sooner in our interaction as I think I could have then avoided the tension I caused by my short-sightedness. And now, since my Owner is at work, I am left to stew a bit in my own misbehaviour which never feels very good.
But the lesson I am taking away from this is to work to integrate a deeper sense of gratitude and "take what I'm given" trust-mentality. When my Owner does something nice for me (whether it be cooking dinner, or helping me with a chore or offering me a reward), I want to be a good little girl and let Her know how grateful I am - not nitpick or catch myself subconsciously manipulating for something different or "better". As always, awareness is key.
Her reminder to take what I am given is, in these moments, incredibly sexy and intoxicating, but I'd not paused to consider its implications in the rest of our interactions. As long time readers of my blog will know, I struggle with a tendency to try to "help" by micromanaging or subconsciously manipulating a situation to achieve a desired result. While i'm happiest while in full surrender, giving myself over to trust, years and years of bad patterns built the impulse to try to control, first. My Owner is doing a wonderful job helping me in this regard, but sometimes it's frustrating.
Today, Syr mentioned the possibility of a reward for good behaviour. Immediately, I began imagining what a reward might look like in light of the recent punishments. I had visions of good girl spankings and special service related rewards like a night in full collar service despite the possible impracticalities of my fantasy. These visions stuck in my head and lingered there. And so, later this afternoon when Syr told me what some of Her ideas might be for a reward, I tried to "help". In the moment, I thought my intention was to let Her know there were other options than those She'd mentioned that would not cost any money. But, it made my Owner feel, instead, as if I was dismissive of Her ideas in lieu of my own.
I got so upset, because I really thought my motives were good - just trying to help. But after frustrating Her and I think making Her angry, I had to take some time to think it over (as She had to go to work). I was really distraught at first trying to figure out what was so 'bad' about having made suggestions. And then I looked at the whole interaction again, mentally, this time from the position of "impartial observer" (or at least tried to), and instantly spotted the problem.
From this mental observer position, I could clearly identify that I had some little fantasy in my head and so was trying to steer (read: micromanage.... control) Syr toward the fantasy. I didn't even have a clear idea of what that fantasy was or looked like or the different ideas within the general theme of "D/s reward" and so it was ambiguous, which of course would be frustrating. I totally get in hindsight why my Owner was frustrated and angry about my behaviour. In Her shoes I would have felt like I was being given a very narrow window of options to choose that would be "acceptable" and that is NOT my role. And, in any relationship, is an unnecessary trap to put one's partner in.
And so after thinking all of this through for about thirty minutes, I remembered my Owner's reminders to "take what i am given" in the context described at the beginning of this entry. I realized that I need to work on this in our non-sexual encounters more. How ungrateful of me to try to micromanage a reward that She was considering offering me for when I am a good girl! It must have felt yucky, indeed, to get such a stingy response from Her little girl.
I feel disappointed in myself for that, now, and wish I had been able to slip into the observer mindset sooner in our interaction as I think I could have then avoided the tension I caused by my short-sightedness. And now, since my Owner is at work, I am left to stew a bit in my own misbehaviour which never feels very good.
But the lesson I am taking away from this is to work to integrate a deeper sense of gratitude and "take what I'm given" trust-mentality. When my Owner does something nice for me (whether it be cooking dinner, or helping me with a chore or offering me a reward), I want to be a good little girl and let Her know how grateful I am - not nitpick or catch myself subconsciously manipulating for something different or "better". As always, awareness is key.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Fresh look
Blogger has some neat new template customization possibilities that I intend to explore a bit further. For now, I'm trying this new layout on for size. Let me know what you think!
I'd also really like some feedback on some options for the little check boxes at the bottom of each entry. I love the idea of getting quick feedback on posts from readers who might otherwise not comment. If any of you are inclined to give me some ideas, that would be lovely. I think insightful and hot are both keepers, but I'm not really very sure about the others.
I am so happy right now. I don't have time for a lengthy post today, but I am just feeling so contained and so aware and connected to my Owner. My daily chores feel like service, more than ever, and I'm not sure how to describe the difference. I know that, now, I feel more slave-like as I do them, but am not sure that really makes sense.
I just mostly feel very much, myself.
I'd also really like some feedback on some options for the little check boxes at the bottom of each entry. I love the idea of getting quick feedback on posts from readers who might otherwise not comment. If any of you are inclined to give me some ideas, that would be lovely. I think insightful and hot are both keepers, but I'm not really very sure about the others.
I am so happy right now. I don't have time for a lengthy post today, but I am just feeling so contained and so aware and connected to my Owner. My daily chores feel like service, more than ever, and I'm not sure how to describe the difference. I know that, now, I feel more slave-like as I do them, but am not sure that really makes sense.
I just mostly feel very much, myself.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Ouch
I am in a very very little head space right now so I know my ability to form really coherent thought is probably a bit lacking. So I'm going to keep it as simple as possible...
My bottom hurts.
I was disciplined after work today for some bad behaviour, and as I tried to explain to Syr afterward, it's not that previous punishments haven't felt like punishments (they have) or made me feel contrite (they have!), but the shift to a punishment that is physically really and truly unpleasantly painful has made me realize what a difference it can make.
And when I say it was unpleasantly painful, I mean that it really was. She used the new evil implement ($2 rug beater turned slave beater) and not at all conservatively. She swung hard and I don't know how many times but I know that when She told me to stop squirming, I started crying harder because I was finding that an impossible task but then I went flat down on my tummy and that seemed to work because there was no where for me to go and Syr could still get at my bottom with the evil thing. She held me afterward while I sobbed and reminded me what the punishment was for and gave me some instructions.
My bottom still stings a great deal and I feel such complete and utter adoration and gratitude for my Owner.
My bottom hurts.
I was disciplined after work today for some bad behaviour, and as I tried to explain to Syr afterward, it's not that previous punishments haven't felt like punishments (they have) or made me feel contrite (they have!), but the shift to a punishment that is physically really and truly unpleasantly painful has made me realize what a difference it can make.
And when I say it was unpleasantly painful, I mean that it really was. She used the new evil implement ($2 rug beater turned slave beater) and not at all conservatively. She swung hard and I don't know how many times but I know that when She told me to stop squirming, I started crying harder because I was finding that an impossible task but then I went flat down on my tummy and that seemed to work because there was no where for me to go and Syr could still get at my bottom with the evil thing. She held me afterward while I sobbed and reminded me what the punishment was for and gave me some instructions.
My bottom still stings a great deal and I feel such complete and utter adoration and gratitude for my Owner.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
My Owner has a Friend
Okay, more specifically, my Owner has a Toppy/Dominant/Daddy-type friend. This is both really really fun because said friend's little girl and I are BFFs so the fun of doing stuff altogether is really really excellent.
The two of Them sharing ideas .... and giving each other implements as gifts and just generally sharing in each other's evilness... that part is both a little intimidating (eeks) and yet also exciting.
The four of us spent the afternoon/evening together last night. As soon as we got there, T had to show Syr a dollar store find (a very solid, flat-backed bathroom scrub brush) which He then GAVE to Syr since they were planning to go back to the same store later. Meep.
And then of course, one of the highlights of our plans that day was a trip to a nearby bargain store that is two stories and has a very wide variety of Japanese-inspired things.... everything from dishes and housewares to kids toys and crafts. The haul of BDSM-intended goodies was pretty impressive on both T & l's side and Syr's and mine.
Syr came away with what looks like a giant wooden spoon where the spoon part is very flat and big enough to cover one butt cheek on a stroke and a really cool plastic (that looks like bamboo) rug beater thing - turned slave beater. This thing has no wind resistance and one day I will take a photo of it. Syr of course had to buy one for T too. Syr also pointed out the long pieces of real bamboo and some long, very very wickedly thin pieces of coated metal - intended as Orchid supports (from the garden section) which T ended up picking up. Other finds included a small solid wooden hairbrush (for Syr) and a new, inexpensive dog collar with a quick release snap for me to be able to sleep in (which we forgot but Syr took me back out to get it today), and very sturdy baby pins for T (of which he gave TWO to Syr who then bought a pack of Her own today).
Regarding the pins: T gave Syr the idea a week or so ago to keep a safety pin on Her at all time (on Her pants/belt loop). It's quite discreet and when I need a quick correction, a subtle but effective poke with the pin brings me right back into line. So, He gave Her a few regular safety pins and it had been working really well. So, when we were all at the discount store, He found some sturdy baby pins and gave Her two of them. They were much stronger (and sharper) with much less risk of them popping open while Syr was wearing them. She liked them so well, She got some more of Her own today. They hurt much worse than the basic safety pins from before and She really likes using it on me.
After shopping, we all headed to dinner and then back to T & l's place for coffee and treats. Of course, once there, both T and Syr had to try out their new implements on us and, well, ouch! I think Syr really enjoys these little opportunities to be more open and expansive with the kink thanks to -
Friends are good!!! I love spending time with T & l. And, I can't honestly decide if the implement and tip-sharing extravaganza that is going on is fun or is scary.
But.. I have to admit.. it IS hot.
The two of Them sharing ideas .... and giving each other implements as gifts and just generally sharing in each other's evilness... that part is both a little intimidating (eeks) and yet also exciting.
The four of us spent the afternoon/evening together last night. As soon as we got there, T had to show Syr a dollar store find (a very solid, flat-backed bathroom scrub brush) which He then GAVE to Syr since they were planning to go back to the same store later. Meep.
And then of course, one of the highlights of our plans that day was a trip to a nearby bargain store that is two stories and has a very wide variety of Japanese-inspired things.... everything from dishes and housewares to kids toys and crafts. The haul of BDSM-intended goodies was pretty impressive on both T & l's side and Syr's and mine.
Syr came away with what looks like a giant wooden spoon where the spoon part is very flat and big enough to cover one butt cheek on a stroke and a really cool plastic (that looks like bamboo) rug beater thing - turned slave beater. This thing has no wind resistance and one day I will take a photo of it. Syr of course had to buy one for T too. Syr also pointed out the long pieces of real bamboo and some long, very very wickedly thin pieces of coated metal - intended as Orchid supports (from the garden section) which T ended up picking up. Other finds included a small solid wooden hairbrush (for Syr) and a new, inexpensive dog collar with a quick release snap for me to be able to sleep in (which we forgot but Syr took me back out to get it today), and very sturdy baby pins for T (of which he gave TWO to Syr who then bought a pack of Her own today).
Regarding the pins: T gave Syr the idea a week or so ago to keep a safety pin on Her at all time (on Her pants/belt loop). It's quite discreet and when I need a quick correction, a subtle but effective poke with the pin brings me right back into line. So, He gave Her a few regular safety pins and it had been working really well. So, when we were all at the discount store, He found some sturdy baby pins and gave Her two of them. They were much stronger (and sharper) with much less risk of them popping open while Syr was wearing them. She liked them so well, She got some more of Her own today. They hurt much worse than the basic safety pins from before and She really likes using it on me.
After shopping, we all headed to dinner and then back to T & l's place for coffee and treats. Of course, once there, both T and Syr had to try out their new implements on us and, well, ouch! I think Syr really enjoys these little opportunities to be more open and expansive with the kink thanks to -
Friends are good!!! I love spending time with T & l. And, I can't honestly decide if the implement and tip-sharing extravaganza that is going on is fun or is scary.
But.. I have to admit.. it IS hot.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Owie
This morning, I felt compelled to confess to my Owner, as I always do when I know I've made an error. The difference was that first I confessed the short version. But, then.... I felt like I had to provide more information. I knew, already, that Syr was going to punish me. I also knew that by providing the additional information, I may be in for a worse punishment. But, I still felt compelled to speak. Another part of the awakening of how deep this goes.. how unhindered my submission is now.
Syr took me upstairs right away, not swayed from punishing me by my confession. Following Her up those stairs, knowing we were headed for the privacy of the bedroom, and knowing why - was a part of the punishment itself. I felt very contrite and very apprehensive. I dragged my feet, mentally (though not physically, I wasn't taking any chances!)
She sat on the bed, Her new gift from T in Her hand. I wasn't surprised. I knew that was what She would be reaching for, for punishment now.
"Down", She commanded and after a bit of fidgeting on my part, and after grabbing a pillow to muffle any involuntary sounds I might make - down I went.
Once my face was buried in the pillow, my bottom high and my arms in front of me, She pulled my pajama bottoms and panties down, exposing my bottom. I couldn't help whimpering. The last strike she'd delivered with Her gift two nights prior had been over my pajamas, not on bare skin.
The first one, was light. She is still adjusting to it. The second, third, and fourth were quite hard and I stifled myself with the pillow and, without thinking, squirmed my bottom away. "Don't, or I'll start over." Syr warned, and I got my bottom back up in the air. There were two more, lighter, strikes and then it was over. Syr pulled my pajamas and panties back up and I scrunched up close, hugging Her leg and burying my face in Her lap as little tears fell and my Owner pet my head softly.
She spoke firmly, reminding me of the reason for the punishment, and then lifted my chin, "are you ready to be a good girl again?", She asked. I nodded, "Yes, Syr".
Syr kissed my forehead and we went back downstairs to finish our morning coffee.
While it's true that the emotional and psychological impact of being punished can turn any implement into a tool for punishment, I have to admit that there is a different impact to having a specific implement with such an unpleasant sensation, that I hate, dread, and fear it just by thinking about it. The impact feels greater, somehow. And I also know, that it is the one implement I could NOT enjoy in any context. Other implements can be used in pleasurable ways without feeling like a punishment, but I don't think this one can.
My bottom still remembers the sting of my punishment, and the implement (which needs a name, for convenience of writing about it if for no other reason) is awful - but I am a very grateful slave for those very reasons. I feel very contained, and very secure... and very... very... aware of my behaviour.
Syr took me upstairs right away, not swayed from punishing me by my confession. Following Her up those stairs, knowing we were headed for the privacy of the bedroom, and knowing why - was a part of the punishment itself. I felt very contrite and very apprehensive. I dragged my feet, mentally (though not physically, I wasn't taking any chances!)
She sat on the bed, Her new gift from T in Her hand. I wasn't surprised. I knew that was what She would be reaching for, for punishment now.
"Down", She commanded and after a bit of fidgeting on my part, and after grabbing a pillow to muffle any involuntary sounds I might make - down I went.
Once my face was buried in the pillow, my bottom high and my arms in front of me, She pulled my pajama bottoms and panties down, exposing my bottom. I couldn't help whimpering. The last strike she'd delivered with Her gift two nights prior had been over my pajamas, not on bare skin.
The first one, was light. She is still adjusting to it. The second, third, and fourth were quite hard and I stifled myself with the pillow and, without thinking, squirmed my bottom away. "Don't, or I'll start over." Syr warned, and I got my bottom back up in the air. There were two more, lighter, strikes and then it was over. Syr pulled my pajamas and panties back up and I scrunched up close, hugging Her leg and burying my face in Her lap as little tears fell and my Owner pet my head softly.
She spoke firmly, reminding me of the reason for the punishment, and then lifted my chin, "are you ready to be a good girl again?", She asked. I nodded, "Yes, Syr".
Syr kissed my forehead and we went back downstairs to finish our morning coffee.
While it's true that the emotional and psychological impact of being punished can turn any implement into a tool for punishment, I have to admit that there is a different impact to having a specific implement with such an unpleasant sensation, that I hate, dread, and fear it just by thinking about it. The impact feels greater, somehow. And I also know, that it is the one implement I could NOT enjoy in any context. Other implements can be used in pleasurable ways without feeling like a punishment, but I don't think this one can.
My bottom still remembers the sting of my punishment, and the implement (which needs a name, for convenience of writing about it if for no other reason) is awful - but I am a very grateful slave for those very reasons. I feel very contained, and very secure... and very... very... aware of my behaviour.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
My first little girl play-date!!!
I didn't want to mix up this lighter post with the depth of the last one but I simply NEED to post this! ;)
I had my FIRST EVER PLAY-DATE last night!!! It was absolutely awesome and I'm really really hoping I'll get to have another one very soon!
Daddy and my friends, T & L invited us over for a playdate last night. T is the Daddy and L is the girl. L and I are really close friends, already. We have a lot in common, not the least of which is that our relationship dynamics are VERY similar. She has a Daddy/Owner in a 24/7 dynamic, as do I, and both have similar views. But, still, the timing couldn't have been better.
Daddy let me bring like ALL of my toys! I hadn't really played with many of them much at all because it's just not the same to play by yourself! I brought two of my bears and my whole wardrobe of build-a-bear clothes to show her, and I brought playdough, and little kinder-surprise toys, and mylittleponies, and colouring books and crayons and... I can't remember what else. But I was so excited!!
When I got there, L & I changed into our jammies and got right to playing. But T had presents for us, special matching hair things - black with pink pirate skulls on them. Our Daddies put our hair up in pigtails - THEN we got jammies on and then we played a board game and did some other stuff and just had a blast. The Daddies ordered pizza and we went back and forth between playing and all talking and stuff.
The Daddies had a lot of really good conversation and bonding. T & L knew about the recent breakthrought hat Daddy and I had, so there was lots of bonding/talking/and sharing about that.
T gave my Daddy some presents that were intended for effective (and stealth - given our privacy issues that we have) discipline as that has been a point of frustration for Daddy. T had previously offered, but Daddy hadn't quite understood the offer so it was a miscommunication and She'd mentioned to me later that She did want one so I had emailed L and asked if she would ask her Daddy if he could make one for my Daddy after all. It's a really wicked tool made with a wire coat hanger and duct tape that ... is really, really, really ouchie. I hate it. Which is the point. I was punished once with it last night - in a serious way, that is - and it left a bruise and hurt very very badly. I've been really good since. Daddy also got some good ideas for tools that allow Her to have ways to discipline me that guarantee some privacy and that are also effective.
It ended up being a really amazing evening all around. Really good bonding for all four of us - I feel so close to L and more and more to T who has just really wonderful energy and whom I already find I respect a great deal, even though we've only just begun getting to know him in person. I don't think any of us wanted the evening to end - but T assured me and L that we could have another play-date soon.
I know that I (and I am sure L, too) found that it was really amazing to just let my hair down and really sink into my littleness like that. We had total privacy (just the four of us) and no judging eyes or ears anywhere near. My little girl space is very innocent in nature, and being able to share that with another girl is just amazing.
Years and years ago, I had a slave-sister who had some little girl in her too, and we would get giggly together and I think we coloured together once or twice, but even that wasn't like this.
I think it helps that L is really a best friend, not just in the context of kink-friendly peeps but in life in general - and so I felt completely safe to just be myself. It was just a really really happy time.
Daddy reminded me to send a thank you note to T & L this morning, which I did, and in it I suggested that maybe we could fingerpaint next time!
I had my FIRST EVER PLAY-DATE last night!!! It was absolutely awesome and I'm really really hoping I'll get to have another one very soon!
Daddy and my friends, T & L invited us over for a playdate last night. T is the Daddy and L is the girl. L and I are really close friends, already. We have a lot in common, not the least of which is that our relationship dynamics are VERY similar. She has a Daddy/Owner in a 24/7 dynamic, as do I, and both have similar views. But, still, the timing couldn't have been better.
Daddy let me bring like ALL of my toys! I hadn't really played with many of them much at all because it's just not the same to play by yourself! I brought two of my bears and my whole wardrobe of build-a-bear clothes to show her, and I brought playdough, and little kinder-surprise toys, and mylittleponies, and colouring books and crayons and... I can't remember what else. But I was so excited!!
When I got there, L & I changed into our jammies and got right to playing. But T had presents for us, special matching hair things - black with pink pirate skulls on them. Our Daddies put our hair up in pigtails - THEN we got jammies on and then we played a board game and did some other stuff and just had a blast. The Daddies ordered pizza and we went back and forth between playing and all talking and stuff.
The Daddies had a lot of really good conversation and bonding. T & L knew about the recent breakthrought hat Daddy and I had, so there was lots of bonding/talking/and sharing about that.
T gave my Daddy some presents that were intended for effective (and stealth - given our privacy issues that we have) discipline as that has been a point of frustration for Daddy. T had previously offered, but Daddy hadn't quite understood the offer so it was a miscommunication and She'd mentioned to me later that She did want one so I had emailed L and asked if she would ask her Daddy if he could make one for my Daddy after all. It's a really wicked tool made with a wire coat hanger and duct tape that ... is really, really, really ouchie. I hate it. Which is the point. I was punished once with it last night - in a serious way, that is - and it left a bruise and hurt very very badly. I've been really good since. Daddy also got some good ideas for tools that allow Her to have ways to discipline me that guarantee some privacy and that are also effective.
It ended up being a really amazing evening all around. Really good bonding for all four of us - I feel so close to L and more and more to T who has just really wonderful energy and whom I already find I respect a great deal, even though we've only just begun getting to know him in person. I don't think any of us wanted the evening to end - but T assured me and L that we could have another play-date soon.
I know that I (and I am sure L, too) found that it was really amazing to just let my hair down and really sink into my littleness like that. We had total privacy (just the four of us) and no judging eyes or ears anywhere near. My little girl space is very innocent in nature, and being able to share that with another girl is just amazing.
Years and years ago, I had a slave-sister who had some little girl in her too, and we would get giggly together and I think we coloured together once or twice, but even that wasn't like this.
I think it helps that L is really a best friend, not just in the context of kink-friendly peeps but in life in general - and so I felt completely safe to just be myself. It was just a really really happy time.
Daddy reminded me to send a thank you note to T & L this morning, which I did, and in it I suggested that maybe we could fingerpaint next time!
Breakthrough
Wednesday night, my entire world turned upside down for about 12 hours. It wasn't fun, it was pretty scary, but it was necessary.
The last three or four months had been slowly building up to it, and I think that in large part it was because I was in the midst of a pretty major growth spurt (mental/spiritual growth, that is). It seems that each time I have a major breakthrough or moment of growth there is a build to it.
In this case, I just wasn't really in a great place. I was testy, sensitive, and defiant when my feelings got hurt (which was easily). I was being careless about protocols that are important to both of us and rituals that make us both feel good.
And then, it culminated in an argument where it all came crashing down around me in a cascade of reality and a very uncomfortable hard look at my behaviour and what it was doing - to myself, my Owner, our relationship, and our dynamic.
For those excruciating 12 hours, I felt as if I was VERY close to losing the right to wear my Owner's collar, and I was also faced with the realization that whether or not I actually lost it - or was at risk of losing it - I was certainly not in a position where I could say I believed I deserved to wear it. It took an enormous amount of resolve and trust in my Owner to NOT offer to give it up. There was that part of me, so filled with shame over my recent behaviour, that really felt the right thing to do was to kneel at Her feet and hold my wrist up and offer that I understood if She needed to remove it. And then, I remembered to trust. I am owned because my Owner has chosen me. It is not up to me to suggest the removal of Her collar. It IS up to me to trust and obey Her. And in that moment, that was the truth I clung to.
The fear and the shame as the full realization of the way I'd been behaving really hit me were pretty overwhelming. The nature of these emotions was that I was removed of all complacency. I no longer had the luxury of the status quo. No, I could take nothing for granted, because I did not know if I would still be Owned in the morning....
And so I was stripped down to some very simple facts -
My Owner loves me.
I love my Owner.
I still wore Her collar.
I needed to listen, trust, and obey.
And those things were all I had left to cling to amongst a hot bed of uncertainty that the argument had brought about. I knew that if I did not listen... trust... and obey... in this most critical of moments - that the equilibrium of a moment that felt "in between" could be thrown out of balance and I could end up tipping the scales to the side of losing what is so very important to me.
And so, I listened, to some hard truths - things I knew to be true the moment they were out of Her mouth, about the last few months, and why things were the way they were that moment. I heard the truth of the hurt I caused my beloved Owner, and the truth of the lack of respect I had shown. I heard and I listened - and then I panicked. I panicked quietly, and closed my eyes to try to sleep when my Owner told me to.... but I barely slept. I clung to Her throughout the night, so afraid that I was on the brink of losing everything because of my own complacency.
When I woke, it was time to go to work. And I felt as if I was barely functioning. I couldn't stop crying... I couldn't pull myself together. All I felt was fear.
And when I got to the office, in between phone calls and work commitments, I tried to think it all through. I needed to untangle the mess in my head to get some order into it.... to bring some sense to the fear. I could feel my thoughts spiraling. Much of my fear was fueled by me imagining what She MIGHT be about to do, and the more I thought about it, the more I replayed the words She'd said, the more frightened I got.
And then, when talking to a friend (in vanilla context) about my fear, she said something pretty wise....
I said, "I'm afraid that I'll fail at making the changes I need to make... I'm afraid I won't make them fast enough and it will be too late."
She replied, simply, "Is today too late?".
The simplicity of her question stunned me OUT of the fear and into productive thinking. Within an hour or two, I realized that I was over-complicating it. Especially in light of the power exchange context of our relationship, it was simple. I needed to listen... trust... obey... and respect my Owner. And lo and behold, those simple things were what I had clung to in all of my fear.
The foundation has been there all the time, unshaken. I had lost sight of it, stopped paying as much attention to it as I need to, but it was still there... even when reduced to crippling emotional fear... it was those very things I clung to - those very things that I knew were the right things to do. My submission is not at the surface... it goes deep... deeper than i ever knew it could... and that depth is specifically linked to my depth of love and trust for my Owner.
And then I realized something else. The only reason to feel fear (fear I was going to lose Her, lose the right to be owned by Her), was if I was already planning NOT to change my behaviour. I knew what changes needed to be made. If I made them - what was there to be afraid of? Nothing. If, however, I was already looking for an excuse not to make the changes - somehow being avoidant - than I had valid reason to be afraid.
And just like that, the fear ... it just evaporated. It was simple. I am owned. I just needed to get back to basics and act like it. So much of our relationship was on seriously solid ground. Things weren't as dire as they'd seemed the previous night. But it was time to put up or shut up. I chose to put up. ;-)
I wish that I could really write well enough to do this breakthrough justice, because it was huge for me - really, really huge.
I have a lot of abandonment and self-worth issues that I have worked on throughout the years, and I am a far stronger, more independent, more powerful woman - in my slavery now than I ever was whether owned or not, before. And yet this still was the first time I had overcome that with simple thinking and processing and most of all - remembering just how deeply I trust my Owner.
I knew in my hear that She would not let me or my slavery go so easily. She has never NOT given me the opportunity to grow and learn from a situation. She had been patient and understanding - and just had to have that hard talk with me of "okay, and now I've had enough." And I needed that. I needed to know that I was hurting Her, undermining Her, and I needed to process that and come to my own conclusions and my own solutions. I needed to pick myself up, brush myself off and take charge of myself - prove to both myself AND Her that I was committed to Her, to my own personal growth, to our marriage, and to my slavery.
Once the fear was gone, I was swept up by an almost elated feeling. It was like a rush of solidity and knowledge that I was exactly where I was supposed to be, doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing. My feet were firmly on my path and I was embracing my authenticity. I felt.... EMPOWERED.
In all of my life, I have never come out of a relationship-related argument or out of a situation that forced me to face my own humanity and mistakes and shadows without feeling a loss of self-esteem, without feeling guilty and worthless and devalued.... until this time.
When I came out of the other side of that 12 hours of absolute stark panic, what I found was a firm belief in myself that I didn't even realize was there. Not a victim at all, I am the mistress of my destiny. And yes there is irony in that. I am a strong, powerful woman who can be the best she can be because that's what she CHOOSES to be. I am not the purveyor of my past. I am not a puppet to be ruled by emotions and patterns and programming installed by the abusers of my childhood. I am stronger than that.
And, oh, if I could only describe how beautiful and amazing the rewards of this breakthrough are.
It's only the third day but I feel Owned at a deeper level than ever before - and not because my Owner threw me at Her feet and demanded my obedience - but because I realized that, with every fiber of my being, that is where I belong, where I am meant to (and want to) be, and I was going to bring my actions in line with this.
I see the pride in my Owner's eyes at having gotten to this place. She believes in me, is proud of me.... and I feel deserving of that pride. That's a good feeling.
My focus is back where it needs to be. I have found myself back in a truly service-oriented headspace.
My daily chores, a ritual that began just a few weeks ago, are still going well. I've added a few things that I know I should be doing. Following this recent breakthrough, I also asked Syr if we could add 5 minutes or so of meditation as a chore I am required to do when I first get home from work each evening of the work-week and She agreed. It doesn't need to be much, but I feel that 5 minutes of quiet contemplation, whether it is more spiritual in nature, or focused on my slavery, would be beneficial as a regular reminder of what I have so recently learned.
I said to my Owner, this afternoon, that I feel like I want to ask permission for everything. She replied "Good, because that's how it is." I looked at Her, puzzled, and She clarified. "That's how it's always been, so I'm glad you're finally feeling normal again."
I want to ask permission for things, and have been since this breakthrough - because it feels right and good and not because I feel I "should" to be a good slave, but because it feels.... more NATURAL. My obedience, my trust, my total consuming feeling of being securely in my place is where I feel the most true to myself. I feel like I've come back home after too much time away. It feels good... and easy.
The last three or four months had been slowly building up to it, and I think that in large part it was because I was in the midst of a pretty major growth spurt (mental/spiritual growth, that is). It seems that each time I have a major breakthrough or moment of growth there is a build to it.
In this case, I just wasn't really in a great place. I was testy, sensitive, and defiant when my feelings got hurt (which was easily). I was being careless about protocols that are important to both of us and rituals that make us both feel good.
And then, it culminated in an argument where it all came crashing down around me in a cascade of reality and a very uncomfortable hard look at my behaviour and what it was doing - to myself, my Owner, our relationship, and our dynamic.
For those excruciating 12 hours, I felt as if I was VERY close to losing the right to wear my Owner's collar, and I was also faced with the realization that whether or not I actually lost it - or was at risk of losing it - I was certainly not in a position where I could say I believed I deserved to wear it. It took an enormous amount of resolve and trust in my Owner to NOT offer to give it up. There was that part of me, so filled with shame over my recent behaviour, that really felt the right thing to do was to kneel at Her feet and hold my wrist up and offer that I understood if She needed to remove it. And then, I remembered to trust. I am owned because my Owner has chosen me. It is not up to me to suggest the removal of Her collar. It IS up to me to trust and obey Her. And in that moment, that was the truth I clung to.
The fear and the shame as the full realization of the way I'd been behaving really hit me were pretty overwhelming. The nature of these emotions was that I was removed of all complacency. I no longer had the luxury of the status quo. No, I could take nothing for granted, because I did not know if I would still be Owned in the morning....
And so I was stripped down to some very simple facts -
My Owner loves me.
I love my Owner.
I still wore Her collar.
I needed to listen, trust, and obey.
And those things were all I had left to cling to amongst a hot bed of uncertainty that the argument had brought about. I knew that if I did not listen... trust... and obey... in this most critical of moments - that the equilibrium of a moment that felt "in between" could be thrown out of balance and I could end up tipping the scales to the side of losing what is so very important to me.
And so, I listened, to some hard truths - things I knew to be true the moment they were out of Her mouth, about the last few months, and why things were the way they were that moment. I heard the truth of the hurt I caused my beloved Owner, and the truth of the lack of respect I had shown. I heard and I listened - and then I panicked. I panicked quietly, and closed my eyes to try to sleep when my Owner told me to.... but I barely slept. I clung to Her throughout the night, so afraid that I was on the brink of losing everything because of my own complacency.
When I woke, it was time to go to work. And I felt as if I was barely functioning. I couldn't stop crying... I couldn't pull myself together. All I felt was fear.
And when I got to the office, in between phone calls and work commitments, I tried to think it all through. I needed to untangle the mess in my head to get some order into it.... to bring some sense to the fear. I could feel my thoughts spiraling. Much of my fear was fueled by me imagining what She MIGHT be about to do, and the more I thought about it, the more I replayed the words She'd said, the more frightened I got.
And then, when talking to a friend (in vanilla context) about my fear, she said something pretty wise....
I said, "I'm afraid that I'll fail at making the changes I need to make... I'm afraid I won't make them fast enough and it will be too late."
She replied, simply, "Is today too late?".
The simplicity of her question stunned me OUT of the fear and into productive thinking. Within an hour or two, I realized that I was over-complicating it. Especially in light of the power exchange context of our relationship, it was simple. I needed to listen... trust... obey... and respect my Owner. And lo and behold, those simple things were what I had clung to in all of my fear.
The foundation has been there all the time, unshaken. I had lost sight of it, stopped paying as much attention to it as I need to, but it was still there... even when reduced to crippling emotional fear... it was those very things I clung to - those very things that I knew were the right things to do. My submission is not at the surface... it goes deep... deeper than i ever knew it could... and that depth is specifically linked to my depth of love and trust for my Owner.
And then I realized something else. The only reason to feel fear (fear I was going to lose Her, lose the right to be owned by Her), was if I was already planning NOT to change my behaviour. I knew what changes needed to be made. If I made them - what was there to be afraid of? Nothing. If, however, I was already looking for an excuse not to make the changes - somehow being avoidant - than I had valid reason to be afraid.
And just like that, the fear ... it just evaporated. It was simple. I am owned. I just needed to get back to basics and act like it. So much of our relationship was on seriously solid ground. Things weren't as dire as they'd seemed the previous night. But it was time to put up or shut up. I chose to put up. ;-)
I wish that I could really write well enough to do this breakthrough justice, because it was huge for me - really, really huge.
I have a lot of abandonment and self-worth issues that I have worked on throughout the years, and I am a far stronger, more independent, more powerful woman - in my slavery now than I ever was whether owned or not, before. And yet this still was the first time I had overcome that with simple thinking and processing and most of all - remembering just how deeply I trust my Owner.
I knew in my hear that She would not let me or my slavery go so easily. She has never NOT given me the opportunity to grow and learn from a situation. She had been patient and understanding - and just had to have that hard talk with me of "okay, and now I've had enough." And I needed that. I needed to know that I was hurting Her, undermining Her, and I needed to process that and come to my own conclusions and my own solutions. I needed to pick myself up, brush myself off and take charge of myself - prove to both myself AND Her that I was committed to Her, to my own personal growth, to our marriage, and to my slavery.
Once the fear was gone, I was swept up by an almost elated feeling. It was like a rush of solidity and knowledge that I was exactly where I was supposed to be, doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing. My feet were firmly on my path and I was embracing my authenticity. I felt.... EMPOWERED.
In all of my life, I have never come out of a relationship-related argument or out of a situation that forced me to face my own humanity and mistakes and shadows without feeling a loss of self-esteem, without feeling guilty and worthless and devalued.... until this time.
When I came out of the other side of that 12 hours of absolute stark panic, what I found was a firm belief in myself that I didn't even realize was there. Not a victim at all, I am the mistress of my destiny. And yes there is irony in that. I am a strong, powerful woman who can be the best she can be because that's what she CHOOSES to be. I am not the purveyor of my past. I am not a puppet to be ruled by emotions and patterns and programming installed by the abusers of my childhood. I am stronger than that.
And, oh, if I could only describe how beautiful and amazing the rewards of this breakthrough are.
It's only the third day but I feel Owned at a deeper level than ever before - and not because my Owner threw me at Her feet and demanded my obedience - but because I realized that, with every fiber of my being, that is where I belong, where I am meant to (and want to) be, and I was going to bring my actions in line with this.
I see the pride in my Owner's eyes at having gotten to this place. She believes in me, is proud of me.... and I feel deserving of that pride. That's a good feeling.
My focus is back where it needs to be. I have found myself back in a truly service-oriented headspace.
My daily chores, a ritual that began just a few weeks ago, are still going well. I've added a few things that I know I should be doing. Following this recent breakthrough, I also asked Syr if we could add 5 minutes or so of meditation as a chore I am required to do when I first get home from work each evening of the work-week and She agreed. It doesn't need to be much, but I feel that 5 minutes of quiet contemplation, whether it is more spiritual in nature, or focused on my slavery, would be beneficial as a regular reminder of what I have so recently learned.
I said to my Owner, this afternoon, that I feel like I want to ask permission for everything. She replied "Good, because that's how it is." I looked at Her, puzzled, and She clarified. "That's how it's always been, so I'm glad you're finally feeling normal again."
I want to ask permission for things, and have been since this breakthrough - because it feels right and good and not because I feel I "should" to be a good slave, but because it feels.... more NATURAL. My obedience, my trust, my total consuming feeling of being securely in my place is where I feel the most true to myself. I feel like I've come back home after too much time away. It feels good... and easy.
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
Quickie
No, not that kind. Sorry folks!
I have some daily tasks now that are more formalized, in the chore category. I'm not a big fan of chores, which isn't a huge surprise, I'm sure. But Syr has given me a task to do a 5 minute tidying up of each of five rooms in the house, each day of the week except Saturday and Sunday.
It was a little funny because She said She was going to make me a chore chart. And, teasing, I asked Her, "You're going to make a chore chart?" and She said yes and described the 5 minute daily chore idea... and then I repeated the question putting extra emphasis on the first part ... "You're going to make me a chore chart?" and then She understood the question, snickered, and said "No, you are." Mmhmm... as I thought.
So I have a little day planner (hello kitty!) and I've been using it to keep track of my running balance of Good Girl money (pennies I have left at the end of a week of tiny transgressions as per the penny system), so I now have a section for keeping track of my daily chores.
So now there are three -
5 Minute Tidy Up (Mondays are Kitchen, Tuesdays are downstairs bathroom, Wednesdays are Living Room, Thursdays are upstairs bathroom and Fridays are bedroom)
Blog Post (either here or in my other journal)
Laundry (fold/hang up and put away clean laundry - Syr does the washing/drying).
It's only day two of the formalized process and I have to say that I was surprised at how it didn't feel like hard work to clean up the bathroom. I thought I was going to be really grumbly about it but I kinda got into the service aspect, which I'm sure is no big surprise to my Owner, but WAS a surprise to me! ;)
I do love ritual and daily reminders of my role in my Owner's Household are good for me, on a lot of levels.
I have some daily tasks now that are more formalized, in the chore category. I'm not a big fan of chores, which isn't a huge surprise, I'm sure. But Syr has given me a task to do a 5 minute tidying up of each of five rooms in the house, each day of the week except Saturday and Sunday.
It was a little funny because She said She was going to make me a chore chart. And, teasing, I asked Her, "You're going to make a chore chart?" and She said yes and described the 5 minute daily chore idea... and then I repeated the question putting extra emphasis on the first part ... "You're going to make me a chore chart?" and then She understood the question, snickered, and said "No, you are." Mmhmm... as I thought.
So I have a little day planner (hello kitty!) and I've been using it to keep track of my running balance of Good Girl money (pennies I have left at the end of a week of tiny transgressions as per the penny system), so I now have a section for keeping track of my daily chores.
So now there are three -
5 Minute Tidy Up (Mondays are Kitchen, Tuesdays are downstairs bathroom, Wednesdays are Living Room, Thursdays are upstairs bathroom and Fridays are bedroom)
Blog Post (either here or in my other journal)
Laundry (fold/hang up and put away clean laundry - Syr does the washing/drying).
It's only day two of the formalized process and I have to say that I was surprised at how it didn't feel like hard work to clean up the bathroom. I thought I was going to be really grumbly about it but I kinda got into the service aspect, which I'm sure is no big surprise to my Owner, but WAS a surprise to me! ;)
I do love ritual and daily reminders of my role in my Owner's Household are good for me, on a lot of levels.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
Bruises
It's been too long since I've posted an update, here, though I must admit that the quiet of the last week and a half has been absolutely lovely and has captured my Owner's and my attention most thoroughly. Instead of a week and a half of ravishing each other in the quiet and privacy of our house-sitting gig, we've mostly been just luxuriating in the peacefulness of a home devoid of teenagers and their booming young man-voices.
However, outside of my previous entry, we did enjoy one other really phenomenal evening together where there was much ravishing, oh yes....
~*~*~*~
Once again, we found ourselves alone. We'd gone out to dinner and on the way back, Syr began teasing me, making me blush and giggle, promising me all the things that She intended to do with me. I wasn't sure how much of it was actual promises and how much of it was simple teasing but none the less, I found myself getting all kinds of excited.
We were just getting settled in back at the house, when my Owner called me to come to Her. She was standing before the open toybag, considering thoughtfully and I watched Her, trying to do my best to stand still. She turned to me, then, holding me close from behind, Her arms wrapped around me until one hand reached up to cover my mouth and nose, taking my breath and dropping me firmly into subspace.
Once I had a chance to regain composure, She had me lay out our favourite big fluffy towel and, after fastening my collar around my neck, put me into my usual down position, but had me raise my bum very high up in the air. This position exposed the area that She likes to call my "sweet spots" very well.
She started with her hands, which are quite honestly the best thing in the world - better than paddles or crops or canes or floggers - Her hands are my deliverance, and I am always grateful to be on the receiving end of them.
She warmed me up slowly but when I squirmed, out of nowhere came "the ouchy thing" which is a rubber, flexible cane that if She is being kind, She will loop back on itself which makes it less ouchy. But, when I tried to squirm away from Her hands, She wasn't kind and let the full length of the ouchy thing smack hard against my sensitive sweet spots. She only had to do that twice throughout the evening, because - OWIE, so I did my very best to sit so still!
She rained bare-handed blows down on my ass until it felt red hot, and then She would pause and rake Her fingernails along the sensitive skin there, causing me to cry out. And that was the most wonderful part - being able to make noise. We rarely have opportunities for this degree of privacy and so I was able to let go of that part of me that is always trying to keep things quiet, and just moan, groan, whimper, and plead. My Owner seemed to really.... really... like that. :)
She spanked me for what felt like a really, really long time. She switched to a paddle (the ping pong kind with texture one side and smooth the other), but it didn't seem as intense as Her palm and so She switched back to hands. There was something about the way She was holding Her hands that was just really powerful and intense. Once warmed up, She went at me with the flogger, and even still I craved Her hands the most.
I was near tears by the time She was done and my ass was red-hot to the touch and so very sensitive. She looked and saw that I was already bruised and was very pleased as I don't bruise easily. On that note She threw me on my back, and in moments it seemed She had buried Her cock deep inside me. I was crazy-sensitive at this point. The rough texture of the towel was chaffing against the sensitive skin on my ass and I was swollen and wet and ready for Her as well, so you can imagine it wasn't long before I was begging, pleading for release.
My Owner made me wait, curling Her right arm beneath my head and pulling me close as She drove ever deeper and harder, commanding me to let go - to just let it all go. When She finally granted me permission to cum, I did - and hard. I was sobbing for a long while, and then it would subside and She would drive into me harder still and command me to let go and I would, sobbing even harder. It was a marvelous release and I would cry and laugh and cry some more but I really did let so much go. As I came and cried and moaned against Her shoulder, she crooned, "Good girl" to me. Those moments are the sweetest bliss. Not only was She giving me this beautiful gift of release but praising me for being able to let it all good. It felt amazing.
Afterward, as She held me, I thanked Her, and She whispered "You're welcome, little girl" as She does, and then hugged me even closer, kissing my temple.
This was several days ago, and bruises still cover my sweet spots. Bruises are hot, fun, lovely, re deliciously delectable reminders of the fact that I am Owned. (And Syr has sure enjoyed pinching, patting, and squeezing my bruised bum at random over the last few days as well).
Life couldn't be much better than this, could it?
Monday, February 01, 2010
"Let Me in."
"Come here." my Owner commanded as I stood in front of Her, the two of us alone for the first time in.... a long time. She snapped Her fingers and pointed at the place in front of Her feet and I hesitated, almost nervous, or perhaps it was something else. But I did kneel.
I remember sitting there, swaying... floating, and being so still as I listened to Her move to another room. I had little awareness of time passing, though later on I realized She had been gone longer than the short time it felt like (though probably only five minutes, if that).
There was something about the look in Her eyes that I could feel - an intensity and a time for seriousness. I responded to that energy, almost subconsciously, as I felt myself begin to settle into the flow between us - Her assertion of power and my surrendering of it.
My Owner asked for each ankle and wrist in turn, attaching the neoprene cuffs that, while less exciting to look at than many other similar devices, serve their purpose nicely. She pulled out the lavender collar and asked me, "Who owns You, little girl?" as I tipped my head forward resting my throat against the supple leather.
"You do, Syr." I whispered in reply as She buckled it snugly behind me. Moments later, She clipped one end of the chain leash to my collar and I gasped as she hung the cold chain down my back.
I was silent, contemplative and sinking steadily into slave-space as She retrieved the nipple clamps, also connected to one another by a cool chain and again I gasped in wordless complaint as I felt the chain against my chest but I held my breath when She attached the clamps to each nipple. I felt, fully adorned. It isn't often that I am granted the opportunity to be decorated in this way for my Owner and I felt it intensely, the surrender of self becoming closer to the forefront of my mind.
With a hand against my back, Syr pressed me forward until I was in my 'down' position, forehead and knees on the floor, ass high. I feel so exposed in this position but this feeling was magnified a hundred times by the accessories I wore and especially the chain dangling between my nipples, the weight of the clamps pulling on them by the position I was in.
I heard my Owner put on a latex glove and I trembled, lightly as I listened to the sound of the lube being squeezed onto Her finger. I had little time to think before Her finger was pressing against my anus, the position I was in allowing me little option for resistance though I unconsciously tightened.
She began slowly, pressing Her slippery, gloved finger against this most private opening, in small pulses. She slid Her finger in and the smoothness of the latex and the slipperiness of the lube made it easy and I felt suddenly very invaded and very owned. Her finger moved inside me more insistently and I whimpered against the feeling of being claimed in this way. She crooned to me to relax as She continued to move inside me.
"Let me in, little girl" She growled and I automatically relaxed further, letting Her finger slide easily. "Good girl", She crooned and I whimpered - simultaneously wishing it to never stop and wondering when it would. I love this sensation but can't admit it in the moment because if an inherent sensation of guilt or shame - yet I trust my Owner and the feeling of surrender I experience when we play in this way is all encompassing and ultimately it wins out.
"What are you thinking about?" She asked me and I whimpered, words lost on me.... I couldn't form coherent sentences let alone let Her know what I was thinking. "Are You thinking about how it might feel if this was My cock instead of My finger, little girl?" Syr asked provocatively but I couldn't answer Her. Yes, I was thinking of Her cock in my ass.... and I felt so dirty for thinking it - but I was. I felt so overwhelmed by something so small as Her finger, how would Her cock feel? But most of all it was the steady insistence of Her finger as it slid in and out of me so smoothly that kept distracting me. I felt owned. "Good girl...." She whispered again as She moved Her finger away and pressed the small butt plug into my ass in its place. Once situated, I felt filled and utterly submissive.
She had me sit up then and I looked up at Her, feeling so floaty and owned and fully surrendered, and, after removing the nipple clamps, Syr replaced Her gloves, and had me open an individually sealed alcohol swab. I glanced next to Her and saw the needles.... and shakily opened the package for Her.
She swabbed the front of my left breast and waisted little time opening the first needle and positioning it against the small bit of skin She held pinched with Her other hand. In one swift motion, She pierced my skin and I gasped, feeling the first surge of endorphins course through me. Too much skin sat between the base and tip of the needle and She had to pull back and re pierce and that stung even more, making me hiss through my teeth. The second one went in and again needed a slight adjustment, but thankfully, Syr seemed satisfied with the third.
She handed me another swab to open and swabbed my right breast, this side didn't require any re piercings and by the time the third needle on the right was in, I was very floaty, almost meditative.
Syr offered me my choice of colour from some embroidery floss laid out next to Her. I don't remember picking a colour but I wasn't very focused and She pulled out some black floss and began winding it carefully between the needles. She created a criss-cross corset-like pattern connecting my two breasts. I had to pay attention to my posture as any slouching would cause the floss to slacken. Satisfied with the lacing, She added a second colour - pink - for highlights on Her work before tying it off. The effect was very pretty, and the ornamental decoration of the floss made me feel very objectified in the most delicious kind of way.
Finished with the needles, Syr clipped my wrist cuffs together behind my back. This was helpful for my posture as it pulled my breasts slightly apart. Unloosing my leash from my collar, Syr had me stand and led me by my leash to another room where She gestured me down to my knees. She settled me there, re-clipped the handle of the leash to my collar and made sure I would be okay before letting me know She would be right back - and that I was not to move.
I remember sitting there, swaying... floating, and being so still as I listened to Her move to another room. I had little awareness of time passing, though later on I realized She had been gone longer than the short time it felt like (though probably only five minutes, if that).
When She came back, She stood very close behind me and I felt Her denim clad legs against my back. Her hands stroked lightly across my shoulders and then Her right hand curled around to the front of my throat, the barest touch arching me back against Her. She unclasped my wrist cuffs, freeing my arms for movement and within seconds Her right hand had moved up from my throat to clamp tightly over my nose and mouth.
I was so surrendered to Her at this moment, so fully encompassed in trust that I didn't move, nor try to breathe, I just sank into the sensation. Syr tried to startle me, to cause me to instinctively gasp for breath but I was much too softened for that and then She whispered in my ear, "let me feel you struggle, little girl..." and I brought my awareness forward again, and tried to take a single breath. The lack of air flowing into my lungs allowed me to relax into the struggle and my hands reached behind me, grabbing at Her legs and higher.... finding the thick hardness of Her cock and holding on tight as She held firm, keeping me from any chance at a breath for several moments before pulling me back against Her and letting go.
She moved in front of me and, my leash held firm in Her hands and I leaned back, partly intentionally and partly because I was just so lost in a sea of sensation. She was worried that the leash wasn't secure and grabbed my collar, Her fist curled against the front of my throat and I really leaned back this time, letting my body go slack. I felt, for a moment, as if I were flying - so completely surrendered to trust, knowing I was safe in my Owner's grasp.
I blinked, and realized that my Owner's cock seemed so close, no longer hidden beneath blue denim but exposed, and Syr's hands curled in my hair, pulling me closer as my mouth opened to take Her in. I moaned loudly around Her cock, loving the way it slid along my tongue, nudging at the back of my throat and Syr's hands tightened even more in my hair, pressing Her cock deep and then moving Her hips slowly - fucking my mouth. My hands reached up to grab onto Her jeans, holding onto Her pockets as if they were handles, as She encouraged me - "Show Me how much you want My cock, slave", She ordered and I obeyed as I hungrily sucked Her cock. I took it deep and swirled my tongue lavishly around the head, whimpering as She drove hard into my mouth until, suddenly, she pulled Her cock away and I mewed softly at the sudden emptiness between my lips.
"Ask Me to fuck you." She ordered, and I obeyed, the words coming easily - so lost in desire was I, and She pushed my back, forcing me down and forward onto my knees, and I noticed the slack of the embroidery threads between the piercings in my breasts. Everywhere I could move my awareness within my body was lit up with sensation. Syr reached behind me and pressed the button on the plug still snug in my ass to turn it on and the vibrations lit up the sensitivity inside me as I heard Her apply lube to Her cock, already slightly moistened from the tongue bath it had just received.
In seconds, Her cock was buried deep inside of me and I was lost. There was nothing outside of this time with my Owner, this surrender. I was claimed and lost and hungry and filled. In mere moments, I was begging to cum. She granted my wish and I came hard, filled and overwhelmed and shuddering I came again... and again... until She finally granted me reprieve and I, shuddering, sobbing, unable to move, collapsed at Her feet.
Syr touched me gingerly, removed the plug from my ass, the needles from my breasts, and the cuffs from my ankles and wrists. After helping me to clean up, She snuggled me close to Her. It was some time before I could open my eyes, and it was some time after that before I could even attempt to walk. I crawled a fair bit in the hour or two following.
I slept in my Owner's collar all night and She did not remove it until nearly noon the following day. What a glorious night.
Monday, January 25, 2010
One of those days...
Have you ever had one of those days? You know the kind, I'm sure, where you're just sort of going through the motions, floating through your day, all as it just whizzes by you...
And then, suddenly, a thought or a word or a ... something... catches you off guard and brings you back to the moment.
That was me, today, at work. I was just working my way through the day, somewhat roboticly, and then it was lunchtime. I like to take some me-time during my lunch hour which I usually spend doing yoga with my coworker in one of our meeting rooms. Well, today I was on my own for lunch and so I decided I would do some gentle yoga and some meditating. I put my "yoga in progress" sign on the door which always ensures uninterrupted quiet time in the meeting room, laid out my mat, changed into my yoga clothes, and got myself into a nice seated posture. After 15 minutes or so, I still felt like I was going through the motions. My heart and mind just weren't into it. I laid down into a final resting pose and tried some guided meditation. This seemed to be going well until I realized I was chilly, so I pulled my towel over my chest and shoulders.
Even after warming up under the towel, though, I realized that my nipples were as hard as rocks! They were just straining against the material of my bra and against the snug-fitting yoga top I was wearing. I was annoyed by this at first, but they were so hard they were tingling, so I 'accidentally' brushed them with my palms. That felt pretty good.... too good. I enjoy attention on my nipples but it is VERY mood-based. It either feels really good or it feels a little off and it's very rarely anything in between. This was a feel-good day for nipple play so I started pinching them, rolling them between my fingers, squeezing them as hard as I could. And I could feel these little sharp sensations coursing through my body as if my nipples had a direct connection to my clit.
The more I teased, pinched, pulled, and rolled my nipples, the braver I got. I was all alone in there, after all, and the yoga sign was up. If my hand snuck a little lower, discretely... I shook myself, I was at work after all. But, the ache just wasn't going away. I was on my yoga mat somewhat behind a desk so even if the door suddenly opened.... I wouldn't be seen right away. I pulled my towel down from my chest to drape over my hips and thighs and my hand snuck down my pants, fingers slipping into my panties where I found my clit - desperate for attention.
I would play, I told myself, but I won't cum. Daddy wouldn't like it if I came without permission... but some part of me thought Daddy MIGHT actually enjoying hearing about what Her brave and naughty little girl had done at work today..... and thinking about that fueled the fire and before I knew it my fingers were tracing lazy but firm circles around my clit. And soon after that, lost in fantasy, my fingers were moving faster. My orgasm snuck up on me, caught me off guard, and I pulled my hand away in surprise. It's not usually so easy for me to get myself off without assistance! I knew I needed to stop and I focused hard on putting my thoughts on something more harmless. I'm a multiple-orgasm girl. I'm like a VERY multiple-orgasm girl. Stopping after one is sort of like driving a Lamborghini at 60mph on the Autobahn. I'm left with lingering need.... and lots of it.
But that didn't change the fact that I had to confess...
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Punished
Thursday, I had a very bad day at work.
It seemed like everything was going wrong all around me and I was just scrambling to keep up, totally powerless to actually fix anything that was broken. I was frustrated, and REALLY grumpy.
I knew I was in a bad mood, so I was trying to shake it off during the drive home, coaching myself on how NOT to take it out on Syr in light of my bad habit of subconsciously picking fights with my Owner when I'm feeling bad about something else. If I'm being consciously aware and trying not to do that, I often succeed.
I tried to be quiet when I came in, and just putz about doing my usual wind-down routine. And then some little tiny thing annoyed me and I didn't keep my mouth shut about it. Ten minutes later and I know I've stepped out of line. Thirty seconds after that, I'm upstairs on the bed, crying. That moment, right when I realize I've messed up, must be the WORST moment ever. I knew I needed to pick myself up and move on, and was in the process of reaching for the bedroom door to go downstairs, when Syr came in, shutting the door behind Her.
"Are you done wallowing?" She asked and I nodded silently in reply.
"On your knees." She ordered and I looked at Her for just the briefest of moments, puzzled. "Now", She followed up and I did.
"Down." She said as She touched the back of my head, making it clear that I was to go into quiet time position: kneeling, curled over with forehead to the floor and arms stretched out in front of me. I was still close to tears haven just stopped crying moments before and could feel close all over again as I listened to the sound of Her moving to the foot of the bed. Suddenly alarmed I started to sit up to see what She was doing but Syr ordered me back down again.
She pulled my pants and panties down over my hips, exposing my bottom and I whimpered. Having my pants and panties pulled down (but still *on*) in this manner always has a potent effect on me. It makes me feel very humble and contrite as it's something I associate with punishment and this time - even more so.
"It doesn't matter how bad of a day you've had, you are NOT allowed to come home and take it out on me. Am I understood, slave?" my Owner says to me as She delivers four sharp slaps to my bottom.
"Yes, Syr." I replied sofly, tears starting to fall again.
She sat on the bed nearby and said "Come here."
I crawled over, kneeling at Her feet and burying my tear-stained cheeks against Her chest as She held me.
"Now, apologize for your behaviour." She whispered.
"I'm sorry, Syr," I whispered
"Will you be more aware of your behaviour for the remainder of the evening?"
"Yes, Syr." I answered, feeling wholly contained and also - forgiven.
Mere moments later we were chatting away doing our usual after-work thing, and no lingering emotional 'hangover' type effects remained from earlier. As my friend last weekend had described, punishment after a conflict actually provided a great deal of comfort and closure without hours of processing and/or lingering guilt. Instead, I felt firmly in my place - and very aware of my behaviour and able to let my bad mood of the day go.
My Owner and I had a very pleasant evening, afterward.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Asserting Her Ownership
Hmm, this whole asserting Her ownership more often thing is interesting. It's good and it's tough but it's mostly good.... and tough.
This evening, after work, I had another such moment, and in hindsight it was clear that Syr was at least a little pissed off or grumpy about it and She didn't immediately or obviously assert Her Ownership but I still paused and checked myself - and I credit that pause to the more frequent reminders in general that are keeping my submission closer to the forefront of my mind.
She's pulling rank on a lot of little things that She never used to. It's giving me pause, reminding me to check myself and.... to some degree bringing in a bit of testing. It sounds twisted, and I am fairly confident there's few who would agree with me, but the testing (to me) is a good sign. I'm feeling these new boundaries out - getting to know where they are, how close they're squeezing in on me and She's holding strong. The fact that I'm finding myself subconsciously testing means that I'm taking these changes seriously - not just seeing them as a phase.
A couple of times already this week, I have been in a ornery mood. I've been grumpy (read: hormonal) and touchy and a couple of times could have easily really gotten going on picking a fight. But She didn't hesitate to remind me that She owns me and I'm not allowed to do that and it nipped it in the bud.
This evening, after work, I had another such moment, and in hindsight it was clear that Syr was at least a little pissed off or grumpy about it and She didn't immediately or obviously assert Her Ownership but I still paused and checked myself - and I credit that pause to the more frequent reminders in general that are keeping my submission closer to the forefront of my mind.
I'm still in observation mode, to a degree, and still figuring out what this will mean for us long-term, but I'm liking the freedom that these new boundaries are providing me.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Punishment
Saturday evening, Syr and I were at a friend's house, just relaxing and getting caught up with one another.
I also know that my Owner takes punishment seriously. She doesn't punish me with something I enjoy. If I receive spanking or any other form of corporal punishment, it is done in a way that the emotional impact is clearly punitive and not something I find pleasurable. When She mentioned Saturday night the idea of having some sort of easy to unroll mat or thin camping mattress that She could pull out to have me sleep on the floor, I know that it was a candidate for just such a punishment. I can think of a few other things She would tend to gravitate towards as well, none of them pleasant. So that part is a little bit scary but I also think would be really good for me.
My friend had recently had a nice visit with her Daddy and I was eager to hear all about it. In relaying some of her experiences to me, she shared a story that involved a punishment she'd received as a result of bad behaviour and the way it made her feel so loved and safe - and I started to cry of all things. Now, mind you, I was a bit hormonal at the time so the tears were probably unnecessary, but I was actually moved.
As I'm sure those of you who read my blog know, I do a lot of self-work. I do a lot of hard self-analyzing and processing to better myself, primarily for myself - through my submission to my Owner. The work is the necessary road for me regardless of what kind of a relationship I find myself in, but the relationship I share with my Owner, Daddy... Wife.... is the vehicle I choose to travel in and it is the one that affords me the safety, security, and tools that make the trip a bit easier to manage.
But, in the end, I am often hardest on myself. When I do something that I feel is wrong on a fundamental level, not just when considering the power-exchange dynamic of my relationship, I am often plagued by guilt and self-doubt for (often) days after the 'thing' that happened. And what my friend was relaying was how her Daddy had employed a two part method for dealing with a similar situation. She was out of line, and he did something to catch her attention in a major way DURING the episode, and let her know that they would be dealing with it later. And later, after tempers had cooled, and clear-headedness prevailed a punishment was delivered - with an accompanying caveat: after the punishment was done, so was whatever had happened. It had been dealt with and it was time to move on. At that point, there is a clean slate.
I know that what moved me was the way that I know that this adds a completion to whatever happens. And I felt a desperate longing for something similar. I know that comparing isn't always the best thing - and ultimately I also know that by sharing my thoughts and emotions about this with my Owner that She is not obligated to do anything about it, nor will She feel that i am topping from the bottom - even if I outright ask for it. So I feel safe in processing and talking about the way it affected me. So - back to the desperate longing.... that was where the tears came from.
My Owner and I are learning how to live our dynamic day by day, moment by moment. I had the 'lifestyle' experience of the two of us, but when it comes to full time, 24/7, and fitting it in with parenting and work and the mundane realities of a life together that is about more than sex and a good flogging once a week - we both came into it as newbies.
We've both gotten really good at dealing with conflicts and finding ways to work on some of my negative communication and conflict patterns... and have made genuine progress. But one thing sort of seemed to be an ah ha moment for both of us and that is that we have built a lot of tools into the actual 'conflict' itself to make that easier and we do a good job of processing it after the fact, determining the root causes of that particular conflict, and making sure there is a lesson learned and something to think about for next time. But then I seem to be left with lingering feelings of... well.. badness... afterward. The idea of having a punishment delivered, with the intention of sort of putting the 'bow' on the wrapped package, seems to feel like something that would afford closure to each event and be both simultaneously cathartic and reassuring. I wouldn't want something like that if it was from a negative "i'm a bad person and deserve a punishment" place, but what I realized is that a punishment is sort of my opportunity to have a symbolic method of truly letting it go, knowing it hasn't caused damage to our marriage and relationship and forgiving myself as well as really accepting that I've been forgiven. There's a lot of appeal in that.
I also know that my Owner takes punishment seriously. She doesn't punish me with something I enjoy. If I receive spanking or any other form of corporal punishment, it is done in a way that the emotional impact is clearly punitive and not something I find pleasurable. When She mentioned Saturday night the idea of having some sort of easy to unroll mat or thin camping mattress that She could pull out to have me sleep on the floor, I know that it was a candidate for just such a punishment. I can think of a few other things She would tend to gravitate towards as well, none of them pleasant. So that part is a little bit scary but I also think would be really good for me.
Syr mentioned that She thinks She should do more little things to assert Her ownership throughout, otherwise mundane or busy day to day type activities - nothing overt, but little reminders. She's done a bit more of that even for the last four or five days and the result seems to be that I am more relaxed, behaving in a more trusting way, and pretty much just staying really ... really.... little.
I like it.
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